The Job Lot (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Ooooh! Oh, that is such a relief.
Look at that.
And that's just from one.
Hang on.
Don't come in.
Danielle's expressing.
It's me, Janette.
Staff briefing when you've finished your milking.
Can't she do that in the toilet? Would you make your tea in the toilet? Sorry, Trish.
Nearly done.
Just getting the dregs.
No problem.
Morning.
All right.
Good night last night? I did have a good night.
Yeah.
Yes.
A very, very good night.
Oh, yeah? Sounds like someone got lucky.
Who was she? Morning, everybody.
Not her.
You look happy, Angela.
You all right? Had a little win on the Lottery last night.
Lads, let me tell you about this girl.
How much did we win? WE didn't win anything.
I won on my personal ticket.
But you're in charge of the staff syndicate.
You can't do your own personal ticket.
I keep 'em separate.
This girl How do you keep tickets separate? I do two lucky dips.
I keep the staff one in my left pocket and my personal one in my right pocket.
George.
How much did you win? It's vulgar to talk about money.
How do we know you didn't switch the tickets? Oh, what a shame you can't just be pleased for me.
Come on, everyone.
I had sex in a field last night.
The important thing to remember is these appraisals are as much for you as they are for me.
There's nothing to worry about.
I'll be closely observing your work and judging your performance.
I don't like being watched.
You won't even know I'm there.
Like George on a surveillance mission.
No, it won't.
Well, I just mean No, it won't.
What if we're crap? Save your questions.
Everyone will be having a one-on-one with me later.
Is anyone going up a grade? I may be moving someone up internally.
I'm surprised a lottery winner is bothered about pay grades.
Now I don't want you to act differently.
Just remember I'll be watching at all times.
Until four because I have to leave early.
I'm having laser eye surgery so this time tomorrow, I'll have the vision of a 21-year-old.
You should have said, Trish.
I've got a laser pen in my bum bag.
Thank you, Paul.
OK, everyone.
Off you go.
Karl could you pop these chairs away for me, please? So carry on.
In a field? Didn't you get dirty.
Tried my best.
So I couldn't go on that training course.
I had to look after my nan.
Right.
She's gone demented.
You have to make sure she doesn't put her head in the blender.
Is Trish watching me? No, why? She needs to think I'm doing a good job.
You look like you're doing OK.
I'm not.
She's there.
Don't mind me.
OK.
So, if you look after your nan Bryony, maybe you should think about a career in the care industry.
Oh, there's a job here in the system.
Work experience in a retirement home.
Let me call them for you.
What? Hello.
I'm calling from Brownall Job Centre.
I've got somebody here who is interested in your vacancy.
OK.
Thanks.
How are you? How am I? How are you? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Sorry.
Could I take the job reference number? Job reference BRO48927.
That's a nice little coat.
I know.
Where did you get it from? Why? Are you gonna get one? No.
If you get one, I can't wear this.
I'm not gonna get one.
It's Miss Bryony West.
Great.
I'll let her know.
Oh, my God, Bryony.
I've got you an interview.
Well done.
Yeah.
Well done, Danielle! Right.
Super.
Who's next? I thought it was you.
I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Mia? What? What you doing here? I'm signing on.
What are you doing here? You told me you worked in a bar.
I do but I sign on as well.
You told me you were a street artist.
Girls aren't impressed when you say you work in a job centre.
So you wanted to impress me.
A little bit.
Did I? A little bit.
Do you want to impress me again tonight? Erm yes.
Listen, you're gonna have to go.
If word go round that I'd made love to a jobseeker, I'd get sacked.
Really? It's completely against the rules.
No-one can find out.
That's exciting.
Danger sex.
We should do it somewhere really naughty tonight.
They are really painful but I love my new funbags.
Cabbage leaves, love.
That's what you need.
Tuck a couple down your bra.
That'll sort you out.
Chuck in some roasties and a Yorkshire pudding and you've got a carvery.
There you go.
What's this for? I'm treating everyone to a little chocky bar.
You know.
Share with your colleagues.
Here you are.
Just a little something.
I don't expect anything in return.
Thank you, George.
I didn't get you anything but then you can get your own, can't you with your lottery winnings.
I might go to Thorntons later.
So now you know I work and sign on, are you gonna punish me? No.
Don't worry.
It's fine.
Ooh, but I've broken the rules.
I've been a bad girl.
Not really.
Loads of people do it.
No, Karl, I've been a bad girl.
I need to be punished.
Oh.
Er You've been naughty.
I'm gonna give you a right telling off.
Go on, then.
Mind if I join you? Err Trish, not this one.
Oh, carry on.
Just pretend I'm not here.
This is my manager.
She needs to observe me for my appraisal.
If you don't want her here, ple-ase say.
No, it's cool.
I was just explaining that I'm working and signing on at the same time.
I told her you're not allowed to.
Don't be afraid to be hard with her, Karl.
OK.
I will have to refer you to a decision maker.
Explain the process to the customer, Karl.
So, I fax all the information across And what about me? Will you FAX me? I don't know.
Can I fax her? If that's what she wants.
Then.
Yes.
Fax her.
OK, then.
I'll fax you later.
I'll look forward to receiving it.
Lovely work.
Well done.
Willkommen.
Bienvenue.
Welcome.
Come in.
Take a seat.
Please don't feel intimidated.
Oh, hello.
You remember my union rep from the tribunal.
Morning.
Yes.
Hello.
This is just meant to be a one-on-one.
I'm entitled to have my union rep present.
Yes.
Of course.
It is just a chat.
Just to see how you're progressing.
Shall we make a start? So how do you feel like you're progressing? Extremely well.
Great.
And was there anything you would like any more support with? No.
OK.
And erm where do you see yourself in 12 months time? Branch manager When you move on.
Thanks.
Bye.
Hey, Karl.
Bring your girlfriend to the pub tonight.
Er no.
I can't.
I can't do that.
Why not? It's all right.
They let guide dogs in.
Er no, sorry.
I don't want to be all mysterious.
No-one can meet her and I can't tell you why.
What? We're not cousins or anything.
It's just, you know, work and life.
Keep 'em separate.
She's a bloke.
He'd have worked that out last night.
Maybe she's a bit of both.
What do you mean? You know.
Half rice; half chips.
Who's next? OK.
I'm off to the clinic for the you know.
Zeeez.
Good luck.
Oh, I'll be fine.
See you lasers.
OK.
Slight problem.
I have actually had to refer you to a decision maker.
It doesn't matter.
I'm starting a new job next week anyway.
Oh, right.
Brilliant.
Yeah.
Three months around the Med on a cruise ship.
Oooh, right.
Brilliant.
Oh, quick hide.
No, please.
Please hide.
If anyone found out.
Texting the new girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend.
The worst thing you can do for love is deny it.
This young maiden has clearly captured your heart.
Big bangers? She is very beautiful.
Olive skin.
I think she's a bit Spanish.
I shacked up with a Spanish bird, once.
What a woman.
I knew every inch of her.
If she was in, I'd recognise her by her shadow.
She was a big girl.
A bit Spanish? What bit? Your castanets.
Karl, why don't you come with me? On the cruise.
What? Well, I know the bloke.
They're still recruiting.
I I dunno.
I've just bought a monthly bus pass.
Are you serious? No, you're right.
No, I'm being stupid.
I can get a refund.
Well, there you go.
Let's go to the pub.
Oh, I've never bunked off work before.
I must be a bad influence on you.
Come on.
Let's get drunk.
I'm the king of the world! Sorry.
You're in early.
I got a taxi.
All right for some.
Oh, I can't believe we did it on my desk.
I know.
Hey, is the coast clear? Yeah.
Quick.
Go.
Enjoy your last day.
Oh, Trish is gonna be so gutted when I resign.
She'll probably cry.
I might cry.
I won't cry.
I'll see you later.
Yeah.
Bye.
Morning, Trish.
How did it go? Oh, brilliant.
Eyes of a hawk.
20-20 vision.
Technically, hawks have better than 20-20 vision.
Then er then that's what I've got.
You have blinded me.
I'm a danger to myself.
Everything I have done this morning has been total guesswork.
No-one said anything about a recovery time.
OK.
Someone did say something about recovery time.
Yes, I'm still here.
No, I can't go home.
I'm in charge of a very busy job centre.
And my staff rely on me and my eyes.
And if my eyes don't work then I can't see.
Did they not teach you that at medical school? When I can see, I will see you in court.
Dan, I've got some news.
Can you keep a secret? No.
But tell me anyway.
I've got the job.
In the retirement home? You're joking.
You've got a job? Yeah.
I'll have gotta do is take the eldest for a walk when they want which is fine cos most of them can't.
Wicked.
And I've got to help with dinners which is just soup.
That's amazing.
When do you start? Nine o'clock this morning.
Bryony, it's quarter to ten.
All right.
I'm going.
I tried to get you loads of interviews.
It's not my fault you're crap at your job.
Fine.
Whatever.
I don't care.
These are for you.
I got 'em yesterday.
Thanks.
Forever in our thoughts.
Someone died in the home.
There were loads.
What's that? I bought it with my lottery winnings.
It's the same one George Clooney uses.
That's good of you, Angela.
It'll be nice to get a decent cuppa in You can't touch it.
It's for my personal use only.
Is that a joke? I have to order the sachets online.
It's a luxury drink.
We'll all club together.
No.
You all use proper milk.
I can't have lactose.
I'm highly intolerant.
Hello.
Have you got a minute? Karl.
Yes.
Yes.
Of course.
I was just writing appraisal reports.
I wanted to give you this.
Thanks.
I'll erm I'll look at it later.
Maybe you should read it now.
OK.
Yeah.
I can do that.
Right.
Right.
I see.
Right.
Is that OK? Do you think it's OK? I suppose.
Well, then, go for it.
You know.
Let's action that now.
Would you not want to talk about it? Is there anything to to talk about? I suppose not.
Well, there we are, then.
All done.
You may go.
Ooh.
Di-vine.
What you doing? I'm off.
I'm leaving.
I'm going to go and work on a cruise ship.
Real life? I'm serious.
I'm gonna run the Kids' Club.
Face painting mainly.
But you hate kids.
No, I don't.
Not all of 'em.
But I like painting.
I've got an art degree.
What about your new girlfriend? She's going with me.
I may as well tell you it's Mia Gibbs.
She signs on here.
Mia Gibbs? She's really fit.
How did you pull her? She's a woman.
She's got needs.
This is mental.
You on a cruise? It's really exciting.
Oh, you'll be able to have a buffet breakfast every day.
And you'll be trying all sorts of mad food you've never heard of.
My Auntie Tina went on a cruise and she ate a goat.
Really? Yeah.
In a curry.
You'll be trying new stuff all the time.
Which is brave because you've had the same sandwich for lunch for the past two years.
They'll have plain ham on the boat, won't they? Yeah.
It'll be just like the Titanic.
I'm king of the world.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what I said.
I'm not going for long.
I'll come and see you when I get back.
Yeah.
You'll have to.
You'll be out of a job.
Janette, I wonder if you might have five minutes to help with filing.
Janette.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't think Trisha's eyes are right.
She can't see.
Oh, hello.
Karl.
Hello.
Sorry.
Forgot to ask.
How are your eyes? Oh, they're fine.
It really could not have gone better.
What you doing? Someone has been using my machine.
You sure? Yes.
I've had terrible bloating all day.
Someone's put normal milk in my steamer.
No-one would do that.
I know my own bowel, thank you, George.
Can you spare a bit more? Go on, then.
Hey, not too much.
That's Loop's tea.
Er what's going on? Why aren't you at work? I walked out.
He said I wasn't getting paid.
You're not getting paid.
I told you it was work experience.
Let me call him.
Tell him there's been a mistake.
Too late.
I gave him the swear fingers and keyed his car.
Danielle, can you arrange for somebody to come and Trish.
What's this? They were in the tray.
That's Mia Gibbs.
Who's Mia Gibbs? Karl's girlfriend.
What's Karl doing with a girlfriend? Everything.
On your photocopier.
Ooh, come on, then.
What's all this about? Working late last night, were you? Er forgot about that.
Give me.
Hold on.
I haven't finished yet.
Please don't look at them.
Ooh.
Sorry.
Is that an arm? No.
I thought you lot weren't allowed to go out with jobseekers.
She's a jobseeker? I'm not going out with her.
But you're going on a cruise with her.
You're going on a cruise? No.
You've already resigned.
Resigned? No, I'm not going anywhere.
I've finished it with Mia.
I'm staying.
What did she say? I don't know.
She hasn't texted me back yet.
You texted her? Karl Lyndhurst, you love rat.
I see.
You're just going to walk out cos something better has come along.
Not even bother with a goodbye.
I wrote you a resignation letter.
Not through the official channels.
You're going to have to tell HR.
But I don't want to leave.
You couldn't even if you wanted to.
I don't want to.
Well, I wouldn't care if you did.
You can't.
You can count yourself lucky I'm not sacking you.
I do.
Good.
Fine.
I'm fine.
It's fine.
Just get back to work, please.
So, what happened was, right, I was in the park and I saw under a bush there was an adder.
An adder? An adder.
So I went in and told Neal.
Do you know Neal? Keeps snakes in his bath.
As it happens, when we got there, we realised it wasn't an adder.
It was a belt.
Oh.
Good.
Neal said to me that I should keep it but to be honest, I can't.
I've got no use for it.
These are elastic.
Do you want it? I've got the belt at home.
I could bring it in for you.
Technically, it is a ladies belt but it will keep your pants up.
No?