The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 APPLAUSE MUSIC: Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj # She got a body like an hour glass # But I can give it to you all the time # She got a booty like a Cadillac # But I can send you into overdrive # Bang bang, into the room I know ya want it # Bang bang, all over you I'll let ya have it # Bang bang, there goes your heart I know ya want it # Back, back seat of my car I'll let ya have it # Wait a minute lemme take you there # Wait a minute till ya # She might've let you hold her hand in school # But I'm a show you how to graduate # No, I don't need to hear you talk the talk # Just come and show me what your momma gave # You've got a great big (Shhh) # Mouth but don't say a thing (Shhh) # Bang bang, into the room I know ya want it # Bang bang, all over you I'll let ya have it # Wait a minute, let me take you there # Wait a minute till ya # B to the A To the N # To the G To the uh # B to the A To the N # To the G To the hey # See anybody could be good to you # You need a bad girl to blow your mind, your mind OK.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! Put your hands together for the Tiller Girls! APPLAUSE I found something out today.
The first time the Tiller Girls performed at the Hackney Empire was in 1920.
How amazing.
That just shows you what good living and a bit of Botox can do.
We're going to get more from the Tiller Girls later.
We're going to get more from them because who wouldn't want more of that? It's brilliant.
Everybody, you're all settled into the summer? AUDIENCE: Yes! It's coming into the summer, isn't it? The end of the school year.
People are starting to look for holidays.
Anyone booked their holidays? CHEERING Yeah.
We've had that conversation in our house.
Melanie, me wife, said, "Don't you think we should try and book a holiday, "get away from it all?" I thought, well, you ARE it all.
APPLAUSE Don't clap that joke, cos she's in! That's just caused a row in about an hour.
The truth of the matter is - I'll be honest with you - I've been married for a long time.
And it's not Melanie that's the issue - I've got kids.
When you've got kids, going on holiday is not fun.
It's not fun! I haven't enjoyed a holiday for about 15 years! It's not fun, because it's just stress.
There's just stress when you're going.
There's stress booking it, cos everyone's got an opinion about where they want to go.
My kids are men now.
They've got an opinion where we go on holiday - they're not even paying! They've got an opinion where we go.
There's stress all about the holiday.
The whole thing about booking it, they think it's really funny that they put you on a flight at 5:30 AM, so nobody gets any sleep.
And then on the way to the airport, particularly if you've got teenage kids, everyone thinks that because you booked the holiday, you built the hotel.
So they start asking you questions you've got no answers to.
"How many sun loungers are there?" All the kids are going, "What's the Wi-Fi password for the hotel, Dad?" "I don't know, son.
We've not even left England!" "But I need the Wi-Fi password, Dad, I need the Wi-Fi password.
"If I don't get the Wi-Fi password for the hotel, "I won't be able to go on Facebook when we're there.
"If I don't go on Facebook, I'm going to die!" It is! It's a nightmare! It's an absolute nightmare.
I'll be honest with you, I'm probably like every single married man in here.
There's a moment about going on holiday for me, the best moment of all, is that moment that you leave the house, when you get everybody outside.
You've got them in the taxi.
Or you've got them in the car.
And you do that man job.
The dad job of going, "Right - I'm just going to go back in "and set the alarm.
" And every year for the last 15 years, I find myself walking into the house, and it's not my house any more.
It's like an oasis of tranquillity.
There's no kids, there's no dogs, there's no arguments, there's no noise.
And you just walk in.
And I always find meself standing there, pressing the alarm, going, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
And every year for the last 15 years, I find myself thinking, "When this alarm sets, "if I stood perfectly still for two weeks, "I'll have a better time than if I get in that taxi.
" APPLAUSE It's true! And also, what happens with us, we go to Mallorca a lot.
And I like going to Mallorca, I really like Mallorca.
But there's no way of getting to Mallorca from the North of England in a posh way.
You can only get there on a budget airline.
I've always flown budget airlines, and I like them.
I like the convenience, I like the fact that you can get on them and fly all over the world for very cheaply.
I think that's good.
If you're like me and grew up as a child of the '70s, we never went anywhere on holiday.
So budget airlines are brilliant.
And obviously now, I'm doing OK, so I pay for speedy boarding.
I'm not bragging, you know what it's like, speedy boarding.
Speedy boarding just means that when you get there you go in a straight line and everyone else zigzags, that's about it.
Just people zigzagging, going, "Dickhead, ã6.
50 for that?" There's nothing else! You just see people zigzagging.
And I've always flown on budget airlines.
In the change in my life that's gone on since I've got on telly, I've never even considered not doing it, cos I've never thought what it looks like if you're sat on a plane and someone off the telly gets on a budget airline.
But I found that last year.
We were flying to Mallorca, flying from Liverpool Airport.
There was me, Melanie, me youngest lad Daniel, we're getting on the plane.
And there was a fella there.
And you get used to the idea that people recognise you, and you see the little nudge, when people go, "Ooh, that's" We get on the plane, I see this fella nudge his wife.
He had the loudest whisper in the world.
He just went "Is that John Bishop?" And she went, "Oh, yeah.
" And he went "On Ryanair?!" She went, "Oh, yeah.
" He went, "The tight bastard!" APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? CHEERING Now, last year I was invited to a comedy festival in Austria - it's called the Altitude Festival.
And people go so they can do some skiing in the day, and watch comedy of a night.
The offer came through, they said, "We'd like you to come.
"We'll give you some money "and you can bring a friend to go skiing with you for a week.
" I said, "That's a good idea.
" I said, "If I bring more mates, is that OK?" They said, "OK, we'll just take the cost of bringing your mates off your fee.
" I ended up taking 13 mates.
I ended up owing them money.
During the week, when I did the gig - these are all mates that I've known for over 20 years - during the week, when I did the gig that was paying for all of our holiday, you know how many of my mates came to see me? Three! They couldn't be arsed! But every single one of them went to see this next act.
He was brilliant, I enjoyed him then, and you are going to enjoy him tonight.
Please put your hands together for the fabulous Alex Edelman! APPLAUSE Hi, guys! Hello! Wow! What an exciting night! I'm a comedian, obviously - but this wasn't my first job.
The job I had first when I was a kid, I worked at a KFC.
I worked in a KFC for three weeks, which is the longest anyone has ever worked there.
I know, I have a pension.
LAUGHTER What you're supposed to do when someone walks in is say, "Can I help you?" The place that I worked was in Penn Station, which is New York City's train station, and I worked the 1:00 AM to 8:00 AM shifts.
At one o'clock in the morning, in a fast food restaurant in a train station, "Can I help you?" is not good customer service.
It's a promise you can't keep.
And this woman came in once, and she was at least 300lbs, and she had the meanest You guys don't use pounds.
Right? You use Stone! That's right, stone.
So this woman came in, she was one boulder, and LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And she gets to the front, and I said, "Can I help you?" And she went, "I don't know, can you?" And I was like, "Yeah, we have chicken? "Yeah, of course - what would you like to eat?" She went, "I don't know!" And I said, "What are you feeling?" Which is also the wrong question.
Because she went, "Well, I'm tired, and I'm home sick, "and I miss my family, what you think I should get, you little asshole?" And because I was like, a child, and I had no training, and I had no other options, I was like, "If you miss your family, we have a family bucket.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I love it here.
I genuinely do.
People are so nice to me in the UK.
I love being an American in England - I just don't like seeing other Americans.
We are not good ambassadors for each other.
Like, a few months ago, it was January - I was waiting on a train platform in Kingston.
And it's cold, it's dark, and everybody's trying to get where they need to be - and these two girls stumble onto the platform.
And you know how some girls dress with no regard for weather? LAUGHTER It's like when they were getting ready, someone said, "Ladies, we're going to Kingston.
" And they were like, "Jamaica?!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And so they're coming down this platform, and they are so drunk, and they are so loud and they are so clearly from New York City.
And the British guy next to me looks at them, and then he looks at me - I don't know this guy - he just goes, "Ugh.
"Americans.
" LAUGHTER And I didn't know what to say that, so I just went, "Mmm-hmm" LAUGHTER And they get down the platform and they stop in front of me, and for a second I was like, "They can smell it.
" And then I realise, I'm wearing a New York Yankees hat.
And one of them goes, "You're from New York City! "We're from New York City! Where in New York are you from?" And the British guy next to me looks at me like, "Are you?" And instead of handling it like an adult, this is what I did, I went LAUGHTER I pretended to be deaf to get out of a conversation! APPLAUSE And everyone backs off except for one of the girls, who mistook, "I'm sorry, I'm deaf," for, "I can't hear you, "yell at me.
" LAUGHTER So she starts screaming, "Where are you from in New York?! "Where are you from?!" And then, to the horrified looks of everyone, she goes, "Why won't you answer me?!" And the British guy is getting angrier and angrier.
Because, in his mind, it's not one jerk American being a jerk to another jerk American.
It's one jerk American being a jerk to a nice, deaf British boy.
And he says to the girl who backed off, "Hey, you better get a hold of your mate.
" And she goes, "Katie?" Which I could've guessed, by the way.
LAUGHTER "Katie, he's deaf.
" And her friend goes And then, she gets right in my face, and she goes, POOR IMITATION OF DEAF SPEECH: "I'm really sorry you're deaf!" LAUGHTER And I was offended as a fake deaf person.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And they walk away down the platform.
And everyone was just standing there, frozen, just horrified.
And the British guy especially, this guy next to me.
And after a few seconds, he looks down the platform at them, and he looks at me, and he goes, "I can't believe you got away with that.
" LAUGHTER And I said, "How did you know?" And he went, "Mate, you have your headphones in.
" LAUGHTER Guys, this has been one of the coolest things I've ever done, thank you so much having me.
I'm Alex Edelman.
APPLAUSE Thank you so much! Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Edelman! How good was that? That's his first time ever on any TV ever in the world.
Brilliant, wasn't he? Brilliant.
CHEERING Are you ready for some music? CHEERING It gives me a great pleasure now to bring someone onto the stage who first performed on this stage as a child.
That was her first ever performance, since then she's gone from strength to strength.
She's performing her new single Fire Under My Feet - it's brilliant to bring home Leona Lewis! APPLAUSE # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # Fire # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Oh oh-oh oh-oh-oh # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Oh-oh-oh # I tripped and I stumbled # Watched my world crumble # Sometimes you eat dirt # You live and you learn # The lamb with the lions # The tigers and titans # Afraid to get hurt # But now I'm making them purr # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # Fire # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Fire # Whoo-oh-oh # Was drowning in quicksand # Nobody grabbed my hand # Thought it buried me # Instead, I'm set free # Moving onto bigger things # I begin to spread my wings # No longer in chains # I'm dancing over these flames # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # This may not be # Not be perfect # But I'm happy # And I've earned it # Every tear shed # Will be worth it # Step by step, ain't looking back # Got no regrets cos I've got Fire under my feet Come on, Hackney Empire - clap with me! # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # Fire # I got fire # I got fire # Yeah, yeah, yeah # Fire # Fire # Fire # Whoo-ooh-ooh # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Fire Can't put out these flames.
APPLAUSE Thank you so much.
Thank you! Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, Leona Lewis! APPLAUSE Are you ready for more comedy? CHEERING I want to bring on the stage now a girl who performed a storming set in Australia.
It's led her all over the world, she's had over ten million Facebook hits.
I was one of the people who've seen the set.
It made me laugh, it's going to make you laugh - please welcome to the stage the fabulous Louisa Omielan! APPLAUSE Hello, London! Aw, thank you! It's nice to be here, Hackney.
It's nice to be here.
I've been travelling around the world a lot recently - it's just my life now, babe, it's just my life LAUGHTER You know what I've noticed? We like to judge, don't we? Mmm? Oh, we like to judge, don't we, bitches? You're doing it right now, look.
Judgy, judgy, judgy! We like to judge people on our accents, on our hair colour, on our body shape.
Sometimes, I've noticed, people like to insult you to your actual face and they don't think that you realise.
Bitch, I realise! Par example, my friend Mary - Mary's always like, "Louisa, look at Beyonce! "Look how beautiful Beyonce is.
"Louisa, could you imagine being beautiful?" LAUGHTER I don't need to imagine, actually, Mary - but nice to know how you really feel, thank you.
LAUGHTER Insulting me to my face, thinking I don't know.
But the worst ones are the subtle ones, right? For example, if I don't know you very well, and we've gone out for lunch together, don't assume it's all right to ask, "Louisa, would you like to have a starter and a main course, "or a main course and a desert?" Erm, I'm sorry - what makes you think I'm not going to eat the shit out of all three? LAUGHTER Bring the bread back, what are you doing? Bring the bread back! These are your issues, these are not my issues.
Because when I'm about to sit down and taste my food, now is not the time to tell me how many calories are on my plate or how long you went running for that day.
It's called a Happy Meal for a reason, bitches - stop raining on my parade! All right? Because you see this? Do you see this?! Let me make sure you can really, really see it.
I love this! Oh, I love this! Do you know what this means? Do you know what THIS means? This means I go out for dinner with friends.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And what I don't like, guys, what I don't like, is how it's become popular to be self-deprecating, it's popular now.
We self deprecate, we're horrible to other people, and we put ourselves down.
That's the worst.
Do you see Beyonce putting herself down? Hell, no.
You've got to upgrade yourself, that's what Beyonce would do.
For example, I saw a friend, I said, "Babe, that's a nice dress.
" Do you know what her response was? Do you know what my friend's response was? "Oh, this? Oh, erm "It's cheap, I got it years ago It doesn't fit any more, "when I bought it I was really skinny, and I've put weight on, "and I was doing my laundry today, I was just in the house, "and now I've seen you, and, oh, my God! "You've seen me in this dress! And I look horrendous! "I hate myself! "I hate myself!" After a compliment! That's the wrong answer, bitches! Somebody comes up to you and says you have a nice dress on, you know you need to say? "Damn right it's a nice dress.
"And I'll tell you something else for nothing, "it looked shit on the hanger.
" Upgrade! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Upgrade yourselves! Giving me issues I don't need.
Like, "Am I beach body ready?" I was born beach body ready! Like my thighs - Oh, my God! My thighs are touching each other! Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing! Can you see it? Can you see it?! Can you see it, London? Can you see it? Oh, my God! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh, my God! My thighs are touching each other! LAUGHTER WOLF WHISTLE LAUGHTER CHEERING Yes, my thighs might be touching each other.
Whoo! Whoooooo! I'm sorry, bitches - if you were this close to my vagina, wouldn't you start touching yourself? Am I right, ladies? APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely, I'm Louisa Omielan, big love, thank you.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Louisa Omielan! APPLAUSE Thank you, brilliant! Now - when you start off in comedy, you often meet people, you're crossing paths.
The next performer, we shared a venue in the Edinburgh Festival a number of years ago.
That venue was called The Hut.
You don't even have to guess how small that venue was.
It was a tiny venue.
He was always on after me, I was getting about five or six people coming, he was getting sold-out runs because he was brilliant.
He's still brilliant, you will absolutely love him, because he storms everywhere he goes.
Please welcome to the stage, the unmistakable Lee Nelson.
APPLAUSE Good evening, Hackney Empire! CHEERING People, nice to be here this evening.
I got a nice big smile on my face.
I've had some lovely, lovely news today.
In fact, you lot are the first people to hear about it outside of my family.
About five hours ago, my missus took a pregnancy test, and I'm absolutely buzzing, people! Thank you, yes! It was negative.
I'm happy, man! You know, I voted for the first time in the elections a little way back.
Hands up if you voted? Hands up if you voted? Yeah, all right.
OK, hands up if you didn't vote? Anyone who didn't vote? OK.
Legend over there, how are you doing, my man? You didn't vote - could you vote? Are you on the electoral register? No, she took me off it.
She took you off it? Why, is you on some other sort of register as well? LAUGHTER I think we should have done text voting, it would've been easy, you want to vote Cameron, just text BELLEND to 111 LAUGHTER Want to vote Miliband, just text NO HOPE to 112 If you wanted to vote Nick Clegg, just could've text him direct, he would've been so happy about it.
LAUGHTER It was kicking off in Scottyland, wasn't it? It was proper kicking off in Scottyland during the election.
We got Scottish people in the house tonight, give us a cheer.
CHEERING Yeah, a few Scottish - whereabouts in Scottyland people from? Glasgow.
OK, never heard of it.
LAUGHTER Welcome.
Where's the Glasgae geezer? Give us a wave.
Where's the Glasgae man? Look at that, right at the back, welcome, welcome, welcome.
How you feeling about the whole independence thing, my man? I wanted it to be yes.
AUDIENCE: Oooh Ooh.
Probably piss off, then, mate.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Good for you, fella.
I had mixed feelings about the whole thing, you know.
I love Scottyland, I promise you that, but I was hoping you was going to separate out, you know.
Mainly to encourage Wales to piss off.
Welcome, it's a bit of banter, a little bit of banter, North-South banter, d'you know? We should be proud of that in the UK.
I mean, you try North-South banter in other countries, I don't know, Korea Have we got foreign legends in the house tonight? Foreign legends, give us a cheer.
Any foreign people? Oi-oi, foreigners! CHEERING All right, chill out, I'm not handing out food here.
Let's go, one at a time.
Welcome, you, sweetie-pie, look at that.
Yes, I can tell you're foreign, cos in London that T-shirt is not acceptable, babe.
Welcome, whereabouts you from? Your hand up, you look like a nice girl.
Whereabouts? Poland.
Poland! Wow, welcome, welcome, welcome.
How amazing to get a Polish person in London(!) Love Poland, respect the Polish culture, you know, I love your national dance, the POLE dance.
Welcome, sweetie-pie.
Any other foreign legends in the house tonight? Who've we got? MAN SHOUTS What's that, geez? China! Ch-China? Are you proper? Are you being serious? You were made in China? Legend! Legend! Welcome, my man, Sam Sung! Chinese legend in the house! That's nice to have you over here, geez.
Tell us what's, erm, what's your name, my man? Joe.
Joe? Joe? Chinese fella "Joe, mate, that's my name.
You got a problem with that?" I was expecting something more exotic, more different, but that's so nice to talk to someone from China.
You finding there's big cultural differences over here? Yeah.
What sort of food d'you get in China? Sweet and sour pork.
Sweet and sour pork.
Hang on, you nicked that off us, mate.
Welcome, so nice to have you over here.
I'm fascinated by China and Chinese culture.
It's so interesting, the language is proper amazing.
Fella over here, d'you know how many letters there is in the English alphabet? 26, you don't look that clever, but you smashed that! Chinese alphabet has got 10,432 letters.
Wow! Wow-wow! Can you imagine how massive one tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti is out there? Welcome, welcome.
Listen, man, I think we've got to try and spread the love a little bit more, you know? We can all be a little bit racist.
Yeah, yeah, we can.
I found myself being a little bit racist a few weeks ago.
I'm embarrassed to admit this.
I was in Chinatown, grabbing a little bite to eat.
I was looking around, and I'm embarrassed to say this, but I suddenly had a little fleeting thought, "Oh, my gosh, Chinese people look, like, really similar.
" And rather than pretending I never thought that, I've decided I'm going to do something about that.
And there's a Chinese fella on my estate, really lovely, lovely guy, I've known him for years, absolute diamond geezer, and I went round to his house, and I said to him, "My man" "I was in Chinatown the other day, and I found myself thinking, "All Chinese people look a bit similar.
" "As a Chinese person, do you find that offensive, "or as a Chinese person "d'you think all European people look similar?" And he said something to me that changed my attitude towards race and racism for ever, cos he said, "How should I know? "I'm Japanese.
" People, I have been Lee Nelson, yous lot have been a bunch of legends, thank you and goodnight! My man, my man, my man.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Nelson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, we've just had the English view of the world.
I think it'd only be right to have some balance and take the European view, so we've got the very European, very French, and very unique Marcel Lucont.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS Well, well Yes, here I am, Marcel Lucont.
Here to put the "Oh-h-h-h-h!" .
.
into John Bishop Show.
Here we are in Hackney.
Little bit pretentious for me.
Still, I have been to many, er, soirees and media parties of this part of London.
I've learned some English phrases from the media parties.
Er, if your ears are burning .
.
someone has been talking about you.
If your nose is burning HE SNIFFS AND SNORTS .
.
YOU have been talking about you.
Far too quickly, far too close to my face.
I've no interest in starting a business with you, it's six in the morning.
You are lucky to have me here at all.
Every time I am in London, "Oh, ladies and gentlemen, "we have severe delays on the Central Line, Jubilee, Northern, "every line due to planned engineering works.
" Oh, planned, you say? Mm You meant to screw up my weekend? As long as it is planned, well I will just stand on the platform watching the miniature rodent zoo you have provided.
I've been in Newcastle.
Wow! Tell me, who is stealing all of the North English girls' eyebrows? It's the most bizarre theft I have seen.
And to add to the ignominy of the theft, someone has drawn the crime scene above it.
You've got it quite badly.
Nothing that resembles an eyebrow at all.
If it rains, which it does, it wipes away, no expression there at all, just terrifying zombie woman before you.
Wake up next to one of these women, she rolls to her back the following morning, her pillow has an attitude.
Before to go in North England, they say, "Marcel, "the women of North England, they are more warm "than the women of South England.
" Think they are just inferring this from the orange hue of the skin? Just because a woman is orange does not mean she is warm to the touch .
.
in any sense of the word.
If anything, you try to warm your hands on a North English girl's face, instantly! Angry with you! Well, I think she was angry.
She was midway through drawing on the new expression.
I just left.
Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be in a place failing to see the irony of being a city where eyebrows are frowned upon.
But it's too much.
APPLAUSE Well, my ears are burning.
Time to be somewhere else.
A bientot.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Marcel Lucont! Are you ready for some more music? CROWD: Yeah! Now, I have to tell you the story behind this next act because what happened, my middle son, Luke, came home with some music.
This band.
He got my wife, Melanie, into it.
This band.
She got me into it.
I thought, "This band is brilliant.
" She said, "They're playing in Manchester, "d'you think we can get tickets?" I thought, "Right, we can get tickets.
" I phoned up somebody who phoned up somebody who not only got us tickets, they got us to see this band on the side of the stage.
I thought, "I'm going to be the coolest dad in the world.
" We were there, stood on the side of the stage, watching this band, when all of a sudden I heard someone go, "All right?" Turned round, it was Gary Neville! Gary Neville! I had gone from the coolest dad in the world to being the dad who had something in common with Gary Neville .
.
because we both love this band, and that shows what a cultural divide that this band can cross over, if they can make me and a Manchester legend love them, because they are superb.
They're performing, from their album Concrete Love, How Good It Was.
Please welcome Courteeners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # And then she's here # And then she's gone # Never to be seen again # And then she's here # And then she's gone # Never to be seen again # I'm trying not to think of her # But think of nothing else # And the sight of her shoes at the end of the bed # And the gap on the wall where she hangs up her jacket # I try not to think of her # But she's seen I'm on a losing streak # And the bathroom is bare And the kitchen is cold # And the nights are long I try and remember # How good it was # Even if it's over Please remember # The way that we were # In our own little world Back when we were young # How good it was # Even if it's over Please recall # The times that we said that we'd never regret # Back when we were young # And then she's here # And then she's gone # Never to be seen again # And then she's here # And then she's gone # I try not to think of you # But think of nothing else # And if you're out enjoying yourself # Well, I hope that you are but not that much # I check my phone to see you again # Are you secretly wishing Wanting me back? # Do you still think of me favourably? # I hope that you do # Please say you remember # How good it was # Even if it's over, please remember # The way that we were # In our own little world Back when we were young # How good it was # Even if it's over, please recall # The times that we said that we'd never regret Back when we were young.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Courteeners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Superb, lads, superb.
Ladies and gentlemen, earlier we opened the show with the Tiller Girls, and I did say we were going to see them again because in every Christmas show I have tried to do a dance routine, which has normally been a disaster.
This time I'm going to try and put that all right.
Please put your hands together once more for the Tiller Girls! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: History Repeating by Propellerheads and Shirley Bassey CHEERING AND WHISTLING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ye-a-a-ah! JOHN LAUGHS Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Tiller Girls! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! I can't tell you how much practice has gone into that! Have you enjoyed yourselves? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Thank you for being here, thanks for watching at home, please put your hands together for all the guests tonight.
Thank you for watching, goodnight and God bless! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! Put your hands together for the Tiller Girls! APPLAUSE I found something out today.
The first time the Tiller Girls performed at the Hackney Empire was in 1920.
How amazing.
That just shows you what good living and a bit of Botox can do.
We're going to get more from the Tiller Girls later.
We're going to get more from them because who wouldn't want more of that? It's brilliant.
Everybody, you're all settled into the summer? AUDIENCE: Yes! It's coming into the summer, isn't it? The end of the school year.
People are starting to look for holidays.
Anyone booked their holidays? CHEERING Yeah.
We've had that conversation in our house.
Melanie, me wife, said, "Don't you think we should try and book a holiday, "get away from it all?" I thought, well, you ARE it all.
APPLAUSE Don't clap that joke, cos she's in! That's just caused a row in about an hour.
The truth of the matter is - I'll be honest with you - I've been married for a long time.
And it's not Melanie that's the issue - I've got kids.
When you've got kids, going on holiday is not fun.
It's not fun! I haven't enjoyed a holiday for about 15 years! It's not fun, because it's just stress.
There's just stress when you're going.
There's stress booking it, cos everyone's got an opinion about where they want to go.
My kids are men now.
They've got an opinion where we go on holiday - they're not even paying! They've got an opinion where we go.
There's stress all about the holiday.
The whole thing about booking it, they think it's really funny that they put you on a flight at 5:30 AM, so nobody gets any sleep.
And then on the way to the airport, particularly if you've got teenage kids, everyone thinks that because you booked the holiday, you built the hotel.
So they start asking you questions you've got no answers to.
"How many sun loungers are there?" All the kids are going, "What's the Wi-Fi password for the hotel, Dad?" "I don't know, son.
We've not even left England!" "But I need the Wi-Fi password, Dad, I need the Wi-Fi password.
"If I don't get the Wi-Fi password for the hotel, "I won't be able to go on Facebook when we're there.
"If I don't go on Facebook, I'm going to die!" It is! It's a nightmare! It's an absolute nightmare.
I'll be honest with you, I'm probably like every single married man in here.
There's a moment about going on holiday for me, the best moment of all, is that moment that you leave the house, when you get everybody outside.
You've got them in the taxi.
Or you've got them in the car.
And you do that man job.
The dad job of going, "Right - I'm just going to go back in "and set the alarm.
" And every year for the last 15 years, I find myself walking into the house, and it's not my house any more.
It's like an oasis of tranquillity.
There's no kids, there's no dogs, there's no arguments, there's no noise.
And you just walk in.
And I always find meself standing there, pressing the alarm, going, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
And every year for the last 15 years, I find myself thinking, "When this alarm sets, "if I stood perfectly still for two weeks, "I'll have a better time than if I get in that taxi.
" APPLAUSE It's true! And also, what happens with us, we go to Mallorca a lot.
And I like going to Mallorca, I really like Mallorca.
But there's no way of getting to Mallorca from the North of England in a posh way.
You can only get there on a budget airline.
I've always flown budget airlines, and I like them.
I like the convenience, I like the fact that you can get on them and fly all over the world for very cheaply.
I think that's good.
If you're like me and grew up as a child of the '70s, we never went anywhere on holiday.
So budget airlines are brilliant.
And obviously now, I'm doing OK, so I pay for speedy boarding.
I'm not bragging, you know what it's like, speedy boarding.
Speedy boarding just means that when you get there you go in a straight line and everyone else zigzags, that's about it.
Just people zigzagging, going, "Dickhead, ã6.
50 for that?" There's nothing else! You just see people zigzagging.
And I've always flown on budget airlines.
In the change in my life that's gone on since I've got on telly, I've never even considered not doing it, cos I've never thought what it looks like if you're sat on a plane and someone off the telly gets on a budget airline.
But I found that last year.
We were flying to Mallorca, flying from Liverpool Airport.
There was me, Melanie, me youngest lad Daniel, we're getting on the plane.
And there was a fella there.
And you get used to the idea that people recognise you, and you see the little nudge, when people go, "Ooh, that's" We get on the plane, I see this fella nudge his wife.
He had the loudest whisper in the world.
He just went "Is that John Bishop?" And she went, "Oh, yeah.
" And he went "On Ryanair?!" She went, "Oh, yeah.
" He went, "The tight bastard!" APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? CHEERING Now, last year I was invited to a comedy festival in Austria - it's called the Altitude Festival.
And people go so they can do some skiing in the day, and watch comedy of a night.
The offer came through, they said, "We'd like you to come.
"We'll give you some money "and you can bring a friend to go skiing with you for a week.
" I said, "That's a good idea.
" I said, "If I bring more mates, is that OK?" They said, "OK, we'll just take the cost of bringing your mates off your fee.
" I ended up taking 13 mates.
I ended up owing them money.
During the week, when I did the gig - these are all mates that I've known for over 20 years - during the week, when I did the gig that was paying for all of our holiday, you know how many of my mates came to see me? Three! They couldn't be arsed! But every single one of them went to see this next act.
He was brilliant, I enjoyed him then, and you are going to enjoy him tonight.
Please put your hands together for the fabulous Alex Edelman! APPLAUSE Hi, guys! Hello! Wow! What an exciting night! I'm a comedian, obviously - but this wasn't my first job.
The job I had first when I was a kid, I worked at a KFC.
I worked in a KFC for three weeks, which is the longest anyone has ever worked there.
I know, I have a pension.
LAUGHTER What you're supposed to do when someone walks in is say, "Can I help you?" The place that I worked was in Penn Station, which is New York City's train station, and I worked the 1:00 AM to 8:00 AM shifts.
At one o'clock in the morning, in a fast food restaurant in a train station, "Can I help you?" is not good customer service.
It's a promise you can't keep.
And this woman came in once, and she was at least 300lbs, and she had the meanest You guys don't use pounds.
Right? You use Stone! That's right, stone.
So this woman came in, she was one boulder, and LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And she gets to the front, and I said, "Can I help you?" And she went, "I don't know, can you?" And I was like, "Yeah, we have chicken? "Yeah, of course - what would you like to eat?" She went, "I don't know!" And I said, "What are you feeling?" Which is also the wrong question.
Because she went, "Well, I'm tired, and I'm home sick, "and I miss my family, what you think I should get, you little asshole?" And because I was like, a child, and I had no training, and I had no other options, I was like, "If you miss your family, we have a family bucket.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I love it here.
I genuinely do.
People are so nice to me in the UK.
I love being an American in England - I just don't like seeing other Americans.
We are not good ambassadors for each other.
Like, a few months ago, it was January - I was waiting on a train platform in Kingston.
And it's cold, it's dark, and everybody's trying to get where they need to be - and these two girls stumble onto the platform.
And you know how some girls dress with no regard for weather? LAUGHTER It's like when they were getting ready, someone said, "Ladies, we're going to Kingston.
" And they were like, "Jamaica?!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And so they're coming down this platform, and they are so drunk, and they are so loud and they are so clearly from New York City.
And the British guy next to me looks at them, and then he looks at me - I don't know this guy - he just goes, "Ugh.
"Americans.
" LAUGHTER And I didn't know what to say that, so I just went, "Mmm-hmm" LAUGHTER And they get down the platform and they stop in front of me, and for a second I was like, "They can smell it.
" And then I realise, I'm wearing a New York Yankees hat.
And one of them goes, "You're from New York City! "We're from New York City! Where in New York are you from?" And the British guy next to me looks at me like, "Are you?" And instead of handling it like an adult, this is what I did, I went LAUGHTER I pretended to be deaf to get out of a conversation! APPLAUSE And everyone backs off except for one of the girls, who mistook, "I'm sorry, I'm deaf," for, "I can't hear you, "yell at me.
" LAUGHTER So she starts screaming, "Where are you from in New York?! "Where are you from?!" And then, to the horrified looks of everyone, she goes, "Why won't you answer me?!" And the British guy is getting angrier and angrier.
Because, in his mind, it's not one jerk American being a jerk to another jerk American.
It's one jerk American being a jerk to a nice, deaf British boy.
And he says to the girl who backed off, "Hey, you better get a hold of your mate.
" And she goes, "Katie?" Which I could've guessed, by the way.
LAUGHTER "Katie, he's deaf.
" And her friend goes And then, she gets right in my face, and she goes, POOR IMITATION OF DEAF SPEECH: "I'm really sorry you're deaf!" LAUGHTER And I was offended as a fake deaf person.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And they walk away down the platform.
And everyone was just standing there, frozen, just horrified.
And the British guy especially, this guy next to me.
And after a few seconds, he looks down the platform at them, and he looks at me, and he goes, "I can't believe you got away with that.
" LAUGHTER And I said, "How did you know?" And he went, "Mate, you have your headphones in.
" LAUGHTER Guys, this has been one of the coolest things I've ever done, thank you so much having me.
I'm Alex Edelman.
APPLAUSE Thank you so much! Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Edelman! How good was that? That's his first time ever on any TV ever in the world.
Brilliant, wasn't he? Brilliant.
CHEERING Are you ready for some music? CHEERING It gives me a great pleasure now to bring someone onto the stage who first performed on this stage as a child.
That was her first ever performance, since then she's gone from strength to strength.
She's performing her new single Fire Under My Feet - it's brilliant to bring home Leona Lewis! APPLAUSE # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # Fire # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Oh oh-oh oh-oh-oh # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Oh-oh-oh # I tripped and I stumbled # Watched my world crumble # Sometimes you eat dirt # You live and you learn # The lamb with the lions # The tigers and titans # Afraid to get hurt # But now I'm making them purr # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # Fire # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Fire # Whoo-oh-oh # Was drowning in quicksand # Nobody grabbed my hand # Thought it buried me # Instead, I'm set free # Moving onto bigger things # I begin to spread my wings # No longer in chains # I'm dancing over these flames # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it in my heartbeat # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # This may not be # Not be perfect # But I'm happy # And I've earned it # Every tear shed # Will be worth it # Step by step, ain't looking back # Got no regrets cos I've got Fire under my feet Come on, Hackney Empire - clap with me! # Oh, you can't put out these flames # You can't keep me down in my seat # I got fire under my feet # And I feel it # Oh, go get out of the race # If you can't take the heat # Fire # I got fire # I got fire # Yeah, yeah, yeah # Fire # Fire # Fire # Whoo-ooh-ooh # Oh oh-oh oh-oh # Fire Can't put out these flames.
APPLAUSE Thank you so much.
Thank you! Brilliant.
Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, Leona Lewis! APPLAUSE Are you ready for more comedy? CHEERING I want to bring on the stage now a girl who performed a storming set in Australia.
It's led her all over the world, she's had over ten million Facebook hits.
I was one of the people who've seen the set.
It made me laugh, it's going to make you laugh - please welcome to the stage the fabulous Louisa Omielan! APPLAUSE Hello, London! Aw, thank you! It's nice to be here, Hackney.
It's nice to be here.
I've been travelling around the world a lot recently - it's just my life now, babe, it's just my life LAUGHTER You know what I've noticed? We like to judge, don't we? Mmm? Oh, we like to judge, don't we, bitches? You're doing it right now, look.
Judgy, judgy, judgy! We like to judge people on our accents, on our hair colour, on our body shape.
Sometimes, I've noticed, people like to insult you to your actual face and they don't think that you realise.
Bitch, I realise! Par example, my friend Mary - Mary's always like, "Louisa, look at Beyonce! "Look how beautiful Beyonce is.
"Louisa, could you imagine being beautiful?" LAUGHTER I don't need to imagine, actually, Mary - but nice to know how you really feel, thank you.
LAUGHTER Insulting me to my face, thinking I don't know.
But the worst ones are the subtle ones, right? For example, if I don't know you very well, and we've gone out for lunch together, don't assume it's all right to ask, "Louisa, would you like to have a starter and a main course, "or a main course and a desert?" Erm, I'm sorry - what makes you think I'm not going to eat the shit out of all three? LAUGHTER Bring the bread back, what are you doing? Bring the bread back! These are your issues, these are not my issues.
Because when I'm about to sit down and taste my food, now is not the time to tell me how many calories are on my plate or how long you went running for that day.
It's called a Happy Meal for a reason, bitches - stop raining on my parade! All right? Because you see this? Do you see this?! Let me make sure you can really, really see it.
I love this! Oh, I love this! Do you know what this means? Do you know what THIS means? This means I go out for dinner with friends.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And what I don't like, guys, what I don't like, is how it's become popular to be self-deprecating, it's popular now.
We self deprecate, we're horrible to other people, and we put ourselves down.
That's the worst.
Do you see Beyonce putting herself down? Hell, no.
You've got to upgrade yourself, that's what Beyonce would do.
For example, I saw a friend, I said, "Babe, that's a nice dress.
" Do you know what her response was? Do you know what my friend's response was? "Oh, this? Oh, erm "It's cheap, I got it years ago It doesn't fit any more, "when I bought it I was really skinny, and I've put weight on, "and I was doing my laundry today, I was just in the house, "and now I've seen you, and, oh, my God! "You've seen me in this dress! And I look horrendous! "I hate myself! "I hate myself!" After a compliment! That's the wrong answer, bitches! Somebody comes up to you and says you have a nice dress on, you know you need to say? "Damn right it's a nice dress.
"And I'll tell you something else for nothing, "it looked shit on the hanger.
" Upgrade! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Upgrade yourselves! Giving me issues I don't need.
Like, "Am I beach body ready?" I was born beach body ready! Like my thighs - Oh, my God! My thighs are touching each other! Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing! Can you see it? Can you see it?! Can you see it, London? Can you see it? Oh, my God! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Oh, my God! My thighs are touching each other! LAUGHTER WOLF WHISTLE LAUGHTER CHEERING Yes, my thighs might be touching each other.
Whoo! Whoooooo! I'm sorry, bitches - if you were this close to my vagina, wouldn't you start touching yourself? Am I right, ladies? APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely, I'm Louisa Omielan, big love, thank you.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Louisa Omielan! APPLAUSE Thank you, brilliant! Now - when you start off in comedy, you often meet people, you're crossing paths.
The next performer, we shared a venue in the Edinburgh Festival a number of years ago.
That venue was called The Hut.
You don't even have to guess how small that venue was.
It was a tiny venue.
He was always on after me, I was getting about five or six people coming, he was getting sold-out runs because he was brilliant.
He's still brilliant, you will absolutely love him, because he storms everywhere he goes.
Please welcome to the stage, the unmistakable Lee Nelson.
APPLAUSE Good evening, Hackney Empire! CHEERING People, nice to be here this evening.
I got a nice big smile on my face.
I've had some lovely, lovely news today.
In fact, you lot are the first people to hear about it outside of my family.
About five hours ago, my missus took a pregnancy test, and I'm absolutely buzzing, people! Thank you, yes! It was negative.
I'm happy, man! You know, I voted for the first time in the elections a little way back.
Hands up if you voted? Hands up if you voted? Yeah, all right.
OK, hands up if you didn't vote? Anyone who didn't vote? OK.
Legend over there, how are you doing, my man? You didn't vote - could you vote? Are you on the electoral register? No, she took me off it.
She took you off it? Why, is you on some other sort of register as well? LAUGHTER I think we should have done text voting, it would've been easy, you want to vote Cameron, just text BELLEND to 111 LAUGHTER Want to vote Miliband, just text NO HOPE to 112 If you wanted to vote Nick Clegg, just could've text him direct, he would've been so happy about it.
LAUGHTER It was kicking off in Scottyland, wasn't it? It was proper kicking off in Scottyland during the election.
We got Scottish people in the house tonight, give us a cheer.
CHEERING Yeah, a few Scottish - whereabouts in Scottyland people from? Glasgow.
OK, never heard of it.
LAUGHTER Welcome.
Where's the Glasgae geezer? Give us a wave.
Where's the Glasgae man? Look at that, right at the back, welcome, welcome, welcome.
How you feeling about the whole independence thing, my man? I wanted it to be yes.
AUDIENCE: Oooh Ooh.
Probably piss off, then, mate.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Good for you, fella.
I had mixed feelings about the whole thing, you know.
I love Scottyland, I promise you that, but I was hoping you was going to separate out, you know.
Mainly to encourage Wales to piss off.
Welcome, it's a bit of banter, a little bit of banter, North-South banter, d'you know? We should be proud of that in the UK.
I mean, you try North-South banter in other countries, I don't know, Korea Have we got foreign legends in the house tonight? Foreign legends, give us a cheer.
Any foreign people? Oi-oi, foreigners! CHEERING All right, chill out, I'm not handing out food here.
Let's go, one at a time.
Welcome, you, sweetie-pie, look at that.
Yes, I can tell you're foreign, cos in London that T-shirt is not acceptable, babe.
Welcome, whereabouts you from? Your hand up, you look like a nice girl.
Whereabouts? Poland.
Poland! Wow, welcome, welcome, welcome.
How amazing to get a Polish person in London(!) Love Poland, respect the Polish culture, you know, I love your national dance, the POLE dance.
Welcome, sweetie-pie.
Any other foreign legends in the house tonight? Who've we got? MAN SHOUTS What's that, geez? China! Ch-China? Are you proper? Are you being serious? You were made in China? Legend! Legend! Welcome, my man, Sam Sung! Chinese legend in the house! That's nice to have you over here, geez.
Tell us what's, erm, what's your name, my man? Joe.
Joe? Joe? Chinese fella "Joe, mate, that's my name.
You got a problem with that?" I was expecting something more exotic, more different, but that's so nice to talk to someone from China.
You finding there's big cultural differences over here? Yeah.
What sort of food d'you get in China? Sweet and sour pork.
Sweet and sour pork.
Hang on, you nicked that off us, mate.
Welcome, so nice to have you over here.
I'm fascinated by China and Chinese culture.
It's so interesting, the language is proper amazing.
Fella over here, d'you know how many letters there is in the English alphabet? 26, you don't look that clever, but you smashed that! Chinese alphabet has got 10,432 letters.
Wow! Wow-wow! Can you imagine how massive one tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti is out there? Welcome, welcome.
Listen, man, I think we've got to try and spread the love a little bit more, you know? We can all be a little bit racist.
Yeah, yeah, we can.
I found myself being a little bit racist a few weeks ago.
I'm embarrassed to admit this.
I was in Chinatown, grabbing a little bite to eat.
I was looking around, and I'm embarrassed to say this, but I suddenly had a little fleeting thought, "Oh, my gosh, Chinese people look, like, really similar.
" And rather than pretending I never thought that, I've decided I'm going to do something about that.
And there's a Chinese fella on my estate, really lovely, lovely guy, I've known him for years, absolute diamond geezer, and I went round to his house, and I said to him, "My man" "I was in Chinatown the other day, and I found myself thinking, "All Chinese people look a bit similar.
" "As a Chinese person, do you find that offensive, "or as a Chinese person "d'you think all European people look similar?" And he said something to me that changed my attitude towards race and racism for ever, cos he said, "How should I know? "I'm Japanese.
" People, I have been Lee Nelson, yous lot have been a bunch of legends, thank you and goodnight! My man, my man, my man.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Nelson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, we've just had the English view of the world.
I think it'd only be right to have some balance and take the European view, so we've got the very European, very French, and very unique Marcel Lucont.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS Well, well Yes, here I am, Marcel Lucont.
Here to put the "Oh-h-h-h-h!" .
.
into John Bishop Show.
Here we are in Hackney.
Little bit pretentious for me.
Still, I have been to many, er, soirees and media parties of this part of London.
I've learned some English phrases from the media parties.
Er, if your ears are burning .
.
someone has been talking about you.
If your nose is burning HE SNIFFS AND SNORTS .
.
YOU have been talking about you.
Far too quickly, far too close to my face.
I've no interest in starting a business with you, it's six in the morning.
You are lucky to have me here at all.
Every time I am in London, "Oh, ladies and gentlemen, "we have severe delays on the Central Line, Jubilee, Northern, "every line due to planned engineering works.
" Oh, planned, you say? Mm You meant to screw up my weekend? As long as it is planned, well I will just stand on the platform watching the miniature rodent zoo you have provided.
I've been in Newcastle.
Wow! Tell me, who is stealing all of the North English girls' eyebrows? It's the most bizarre theft I have seen.
And to add to the ignominy of the theft, someone has drawn the crime scene above it.
You've got it quite badly.
Nothing that resembles an eyebrow at all.
If it rains, which it does, it wipes away, no expression there at all, just terrifying zombie woman before you.
Wake up next to one of these women, she rolls to her back the following morning, her pillow has an attitude.
Before to go in North England, they say, "Marcel, "the women of North England, they are more warm "than the women of South England.
" Think they are just inferring this from the orange hue of the skin? Just because a woman is orange does not mean she is warm to the touch .
.
in any sense of the word.
If anything, you try to warm your hands on a North English girl's face, instantly! Angry with you! Well, I think she was angry.
She was midway through drawing on the new expression.
I just left.
Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be in a place failing to see the irony of being a city where eyebrows are frowned upon.
But it's too much.
APPLAUSE Well, my ears are burning.
Time to be somewhere else.
A bientot.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Marcel Lucont! Are you ready for some more music? CROWD: Yeah! Now, I have to tell you the story behind this next act because what happened, my middle son, Luke, came home with some music.
This band.
He got my wife, Melanie, into it.
This band.
She got me into it.
I thought, "This band is brilliant.
" She said, "They're playing in Manchester, "d'you think we can get tickets?" I thought, "Right, we can get tickets.
" I phoned up somebody who phoned up somebody who not only got us tickets, they got us to see this band on the side of the stage.
I thought, "I'm going to be the coolest dad in the world.
" We were there, stood on the side of the stage, watching this band, when all of a sudden I heard someone go, "All right?" Turned round, it was Gary Neville! Gary Neville! I had gone from the coolest dad in the world to being the dad who had something in common with Gary Neville .
.
because we both love this band, and that shows what a cultural divide that this band can cross over, if they can make me and a Manchester legend love them, because they are superb.
They're performing, from their album Concrete Love, How Good It Was.
Please welcome Courteeners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # And then she's here # And then she's gone # Never to be seen again # And then she's here # And then she's gone # Never to be seen again # I'm trying not to think of her # But think of nothing else # And the sight of her shoes at the end of the bed # And the gap on the wall where she hangs up her jacket # I try not to think of her # But she's seen I'm on a losing streak # And the bathroom is bare And the kitchen is cold # And the nights are long I try and remember # How good it was # Even if it's over Please remember # The way that we were # In our own little world Back when we were young # How good it was # Even if it's over Please recall # The times that we said that we'd never regret # Back when we were young # And then she's here # And then she's gone # Never to be seen again # And then she's here # And then she's gone # I try not to think of you # But think of nothing else # And if you're out enjoying yourself # Well, I hope that you are but not that much # I check my phone to see you again # Are you secretly wishing Wanting me back? # Do you still think of me favourably? # I hope that you do # Please say you remember # How good it was # Even if it's over, please remember # The way that we were # In our own little world Back when we were young # How good it was # Even if it's over, please recall # The times that we said that we'd never regret Back when we were young.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Courteeners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Superb, lads, superb.
Ladies and gentlemen, earlier we opened the show with the Tiller Girls, and I did say we were going to see them again because in every Christmas show I have tried to do a dance routine, which has normally been a disaster.
This time I'm going to try and put that all right.
Please put your hands together once more for the Tiller Girls! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: History Repeating by Propellerheads and Shirley Bassey CHEERING AND WHISTLING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ye-a-a-ah! JOHN LAUGHS Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Tiller Girls! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! I can't tell you how much practice has gone into that! Have you enjoyed yourselves? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Thank you for being here, thanks for watching at home, please put your hands together for all the guests tonight.
Thank you for watching, goodnight and God bless! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE