The L.A. Complex s01e05 Episode Script
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1 Previously on The "L.
A.
Complex": How long you guys been together? Why would he tell them? He'd have to out himself too.
They won't fire you just 'cause you're gay.
Dude, how much you think he's worth? Hey! Do not talk about money.
I'm still working him.
"Working him?" He's perfect; he's rich and bored with his life, and wants to get into movies.
My mother was a huge Grace Kelly fan.
If you could wear them in just one scene I'm in.
You're amazing.
Maybe this is a mistake.
Can we just keep in casual? Mm mm wait.
What does that mean? She's bragging to all her friends about that Usher tour.
I didn't even book that.
I am better than every single Look, you make a sex tape, and you can't be in a music video for tweens.
I got a job offer with Vivid.
- The porn company? - It's just sex, Nick.
Connor, why am I here? 'Cause I'm not good enough.
I don't want anything from you, and that's exactly what I get.
Hey, Connor ? Are you in there? Yeah! Oh! Look out! Yeah! Sorry I'm late, guys.
It's all right, I'm here.
Let's do this! Cut! Steve?! Let's do this.
Yes.
What does that even mean? That's what I'm asking you.
Okay, but you guys have slept together, right? Short answer: No.
Long answer: Nooooo.
Nick, she's been staying at your place for weeks.
Yeah, but I just got green lit very recently.
So what's the holdup? Well, one night, Alicia kinda ruined it She barged in.
Then another night I came home she was already asleep.
I'm not gonna do that.
And then there was another night where it just wasn't You know you can have sex during the daytime too.
Yes, I understand.
So, basically, you've fooled around once, - and that's it.
- Yes.
That doesn't really sound like much of anything.
Right, but she said "let's keep it casual.
" Right? Now, in your mind, what's the "it"? - What's the "it"? - What's the "it"? It's gotta be something.
Have a good day, losers! The "it" is friendship.
The "it" is nothing.
Hey! What're you doing? Lego roshomon.
What's up? Well, he's in.
Gary's in.
Are you serious?! He loved your shorts and he wants to invest in our movie.
Oh my God! For how much? All of it.
He's gonna pay for all of it.
Oh my God! Oh my God! We're making a movie! We're making a movie! Wait, wait, wait! We gotta celebrate! We gotta celebrate! I stole these from a timeshare seminar a couple months ago.
Perfect! Wait, wait, wait! Aren't you still in A.
A.
? We don't want you to break character.
The first step to fake-recovery is admitting you have a fake problem.
Ah! She's drinking.
Here you go! Yeah! Woo! Ugh! This tastes like sweaters.
It's only 10 A.
M.
Maybe we should just take a rain check.
- Yeah.
I guess.
- Right? We could mix it with orange drink.
Mimosas! We're making a movie! We're making a movie! Agghhhhhhhh! Havin' hard times in this crazy town havin' hard times there's no love to be found havin' hard times - Damn it! - Right? This girl's for real.
Sings good too.
Who the hell is this? Yo, just listen.
Listen.
Havin' hard times Damn! A'ight! Right?! Anybody call dibs on that yet? Naw, man, this is Tariq's girl.
I know.
Tariq's girl? Yo.
What'd you say her name was again? Abby.
Woo! Abby! A girl like you, with a voice like that, don't need to be messing with no little boy.
You need yourself a real man.
Guys: True dat! True dat! That there is the only real man I've ever been with.
You'll could learn a thing or two.
Ooooooooh! - I like her.
- Ungh! Oh my God! I hit a kid with my car! Get outta here! Where, where's the body? Freeze! Don't you understand? I'll kill myself if you don't go on a date with me You're putting a lot of pressure on me.
Jump in, man.
Nah, this is maybe a dumb idea, I'm a comic, not an improviser.
So what do you do when someone heckles you? Historically, sort of stand there and look scared until they stop.
Ah.
.
They'll show 'em.
So why'd you take my class? I don't know, I thought you might help me generate material, make me more spontaneous, I guess? So jump in then! Make something happen.
Look, this is a safe place.
No one is gonna judge you here.
- Get in there.
- Ok, freeze, I guess? Freeze! Yes, um You excuse me, you, this latte I ordered from you, here in this coffee shop, doesn't have enough foam.
Stop, stop.
Nick this scene is violently boring.
Take a risk, raise the stakes.
Oh.
Uh, I was actually just trying to draw from my own life, so Oh.
Well, in that case, your life is violently boring.
Take a risk, raise the stakes.
Go.
Uh, hold on! Hold on! Hold on! What is the origin of this coffee? This isn't fair trade! People are dying, I'll have you know! Freeze! Oh my God, we are trapped in the centre of the sun, and I am pregnant.
And there's a bomb that's about to go off and it's gonna kill my baby, and it's gonna kill everybody else, and it's gonna blow up the sun, and do I cut the red wire or do I cut the blue wire? I don't know 'cause I'm red-blue colour-blind.
And the baby is yours and it's coming.
It's coming.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay! Okay! I can't have this baby before you disarm this bomb! Hurry! Uh I'll keep the baby in you; You deal with the bomb.
We can do this! Hold my coffee? I love you.
Ow! And scene.
Students: This is why you're paying $200 a class, people! I'm afraid your son has intra Um, intra-ocular Ah, I can't say that.
Can we just say Eye cancer? Eye cancer.
I can say eye cancer.
I don't know what your son has.
Let's use that.
Real doctors probably forget stuff all the time.
Ugh! Can we just Why don't we just Animate my lips like animal movies, get Seth Rogen to do my voice.
He'd be funny.
I'm afraid that your son has uh Uh I'm sorry, but your son's dead.
All right.
Why don't we pick this up tomorrow? I'm sorry, I'm I I got it.
I'll just I'll just read it a couple times.
Yeah, why don't you go home and sleep it off.
I don't want to go home and sleep it off.
Connor, go home.
I'm sorry.
What's the line? I'm gonna go for a walk, I think.
Excellent mileage, zero down, and no payments for three months.
She's sleek, elegant, and sophisticated, just like you.
Thank you for dropping this off! This is my first new car.
Really? What's the occasion? A new job.
Oh.
Can I ask what you do? Oh! Sorry! Am I in the wrong room? Don't know who you are, where you came from, or what Tariq told you, but I know one thing: If I so much as hear a whisper about some little bitch spreading lies about Kaldrick king? That little bitch is gonna spend the most painful twenty-four hours of her damn life Before she disappears forever.
You feel me? Yeah, you feel me.
Connor, we're gonna wrap you for the day.
Why don't you head home? Home.
You know what? You're tired.
Let me just check you out.
Seriously, come on.
Just take a deep breath.
Connor, I think it's time to go.
I think you need to go home.
Call me in the morning.
I have to get into that writing room with you guys.
Just doing takes, I'm like Wouldn't it be great if I then But between this and between the other series that I'm on hold for Oh! Yes! Got it! Quest, quest, questo I don't speak Spanish, man.
Course you do.
Soy Someone ate all your cookies.
You wanna get outta here? Do you wanna get outta here? Let's get outta here.
I have to work all day.
Ditch with me.
Not right- hey! What? Okay, jeez! Okay! Hey, man, I'm Pete.
I'm fillin' in for Danny.
Where's home? Alicia? Are you ready to shoot? Are you okay in there? Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
Is your room okay? Is it too warm? Is it too cold? - It's fine.
- Hey, Tabitha.
Well, I didn't know what you wanted to drink, but I can get you a water, or a juice if you'd rather Water's fine, thank you.
Oh, perfect timing! Dennis, this is Alicia.
Alicia, this is Dennis.
You two will be working together today.
It's nice to meet you, Alicia.
I'm really looking forward to working with you.
If there's anything you need And I mean anything - you just let me know.
Donna tells me this is your first time.
I don't wanna do this anymore! I changed my mind, I'm going home.
But Hey.
Sabrina, right? Um I'm Nick.
I don't know if you remember me, but we just did a scene where I put my hands on your And then kissed you and then you slapped me? It was like a minute ago.
Rings a vague bell.
Yeah.
That was crazy, huh? Sure was, Nick.
Well, all the best.
Uh You're not by any chance silently watching me, are you, Nick? No.
I just I wanted to I wanted to thank you for saving my bacon back there.
Sure.
You looked really foolish until I slapped you in the face.
That's probably true.
Uh, now, about that slap, was that Was that Like were you in like character? Mm, you know, I was just so into it out there, I don't know who it was, you know? Right Well, I just wanted to come over and apologize for kissing you.
You know, here's some lady advice from a lady: Maybe don't express regret about kissing a girl to the girl you just kissed.
Ever.
Uh, duly noted.
So did I hear you right? You're a comic? Um yep.
- Cool.
Me too.
- Yeah? Are you funnier than I am? I'm just messing with you, I know the answer's no.
So who are you into? Like influences? Uh, I don't know, Bill Cosby.
George Carlin.
Anyone not from olden times? Yes.
Someone's that not I like Patton Oswalt a lot.
So you know how to use the Internet.
That's good.
I do, yes.
Good.
Have you ever heard of dice's "the day the laughter died"? Dice? Like Andrew Dice Clay? The diceman? Uh, no, it's not the mid-nineties It's not what you think.
It's this amazing set where he just completely bombs.
It's like watching your least favourite Uncle implode in slow motion.
Wow.
That sounds No, I've never heard that one.
I actually just got into the just for laughs showcase.
You know what I just decided while you were trying to brag to me? You should come over now and listen to it.
Like come over to your place? Yeah.
Okay.
Come on! You can come to terms with it on the way.
Uh, yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
Hey, is something wrong? Um, I don't feel well, I have to go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up a second.
You you what? I just Something came over me and I-I don't think I can sing any more today.
Do you know how hard it was to get you in here? I have to go home.
Abby, what's wrong? Hey! We doin' this or what? Get outta my way, I have to go home.
ooh ooh-ooh Lookin' for a lovin' home it never is far away The only way to move on is to get back in the game Ah, that's so erotic.
Hey hippies! Get in this pool! We're making a movie! Get in the pool! Come on! Hey, boozehog, quit hogging the booze! You almost ruined our terrible champagne! Gary What're you doing here? My patient canceled.
Thought I'd see if you wanted a coffee.
But it looks like you don't.
We were We were just celebrating 'cause of the movie.
I can see that.
I can't be here right now.
I just had like a couple swigs of champagne.
It's not a big deal.
I think we both know that neither of those things are true.
Gary! What? You wanna lie to me some more? She's just a party girl smoking What just happened there? I think Raquel just fell off the wagon.
Gary! Gary, wait! Please stop! Gary, listen! Listen! I screwed up, okay? I don't know what you want me to say.
I screwed up and it's never gonna happen again.
Traditionally, a drunk will sober up before promising to not drink again.
I'm so sorry.
It's my fault.
I never should've gotten involved with you.
It's too early in my sobriety.
Clearly, too early in yours.
Oh, Gary Please don't do this I need you.
You need a meeting.
I can't help you anymore.
- Gary - Goodbye, Raquel.
Gary, come on! Gary, come on! Please! What did you say to her?! One second she's fine, the next minute she's crying her eyes out.
Tariq, what's going on? You better watch your tone, boy.
Before somebody mistake you for being disrespectful.
Oh, you wanna talk about respect? Well, I wasn't gonna make it big deal, being that that's your girl and all.
But since you asked me so nicely, your little friend followed me into the bathroom, asked what she could do to make sure she makes the cut.
Now, on principle, I told her I couldn't consummate, you know, on a biblical level But she could blow me.
After that, I guess she got cold feet or something.
Little bitch ran out crying.
Now, I know you're upset, but you should see how my dick feels.
Not a happy dick, brother! I quit.
Tariq! Tariq! He ain't gonna quit.
What was that all about, man? He asked me, so I told him.
You say something like that, how'd you expect him to react? I woulda walked out on you too.
I go to prison for a year, all of a sudden, everybody got feelings.
Nah, I got it.
Look, I know I signed a contract, so if you wanna sue me then sue me.
I just bought a new car.
You're more than welcome to have that.
But aside from that I'm broke, so good luck.
I'm not a lawyer.
I'm Donna.
I'm the director today.
I was hoping we could have a little chat? Okay, well, whoever you are, I'm leaving, so.
Okay.
Look, I don't know you, okay? But you are obviously a beautiful, sexy young woman with a good head on her shoulders.
And I'd be lying to you if I said they didn't all see dollar signs when they look at you.
But nobody's gonna force you to do something you don't wanna do.
No, I know that.
Truth is you'll have more control here than you'll ever get in mainstream Hollywood, and you'll probably have to sleep with fewer people.
Listen, why don't you just hang around for the day.
You know, get a feel for the place.
You don't have to shoot anything.
Or you can leave right now.
Completely up to you.
Eddie: Eddie, c'mon man, I can hear you in there.
All right.
Okay.
Hey! Connor! What's up, man? You look terrible.
I just want um Can I have my old room back? Yeah, right.
Seriously? It's been rented.
All the rooms are rented.
What do you want your room back for? What, are you researching a role? I'll take your room.
I'll take anything.
I'll pay you double.
Triple.
Okay.
Hey, come on in for second, buddy.
It's great to see you, man.
Connor, you do not wanna move back in here, okay? I think we have silverfish.
Do you know what silverfish are? Neither do I, but they are terrifying.
And I think there's asbestos in the walls.
I was cleaning the vents in 111 last week, all of a sudden I've got a cough I can't get rid of and my arm will not stop itching.
So what I think you should do, is just go back to your mansion and have nice epsom salt bath in your big hot tub.
'Kay? Right? What? Oh hey man, hey.
It's okay.
I don't think Hey.
No, no, no.
Shush.
Shush.
Shush.
You want a drink? Huh? I'll make one of Eddie's magical mojitos.
How 'bout that? Yeah? Have a drink, we'll stop crying, it'll be great.
Here.
Come sit.
Come sit.
Right there.
Okay.
Wow.
Great place.
Oh, cool, you like A bunch of music I don't know.
You know this one? I thought we were gonna listen to Andrew Dice Clay.
You did? That's adorable.
Oh! Mm okay.
I mean, I'd still like to hear it after.
It sounds really interesting.
Uh What? I'm sorry, this is just so cool.
This whole thing is just so cool.
You're like this awesome girl I barely know and then- stop talking.
Okay.
Tariq.
Tariq! Boy, I'm talking to you.
What did you say to her? Don't you come at me all puffed up like that! She's my friend, I care about her.
I don't give a damn about her! What about me? Hmm? You talked to that girl about me? She's not gonna say anything! Oh, I know she's not.
You know how I know? Cuz I told her I'd put her ass in the ground.
You can't threaten my friends.
Well, then don't make me! You broke the rules when you ran your damn mouth! You know, I am sick of your rules! How'd you think it was gonna play out? You thought I was just gonna let you talk to your little friends? Do you love me? Keep your voice down, Tariq.
Do you love me? - I'm not gonna say it again.
- Do you love me?! - Keep your voice- - Do you- stop! Get off me! Get off me! Keep your damn voice down.
I love you.
You know I do.
But this is my life, you understand that? Why'd you bring that girl here in the first place, huh? So Dynasty and Jay and everybody else can see that you're a real man.
We're exactly the same.
Mm no.
You're all hate.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Stay away from me, stay away from my friends.
Oh, Tariq! It's like the best worst thing ever.
Right? Oh, I hope I don't die like that on my "Just for laughs" showcase.
You should keep namedropping that a few more times.
I haven't quite figured out you're doing it yet.
Sorry.
Do you want me to call John, see if I can get you a spot I'm already on the bill, junior, but thanks.
Let's hear some of this amazing set.
Oh, no, I Yes, one thing.
One funny joke.
Um oh, okay.
Vagina's are like time machines: Men go in, babies come out.
I'm not really giving it my Well, it's part of a whole bigger thing.
Has anybody ever laughed at that? You're starting to make me feel bad.
Don't blame me, blame your terrible joke.
What is wrong? Did I hurt your feelings? I can be sharp and pointy sometimes, but I actually really like you.
I didn't even have to fake my orgasm, and that is rare.
Yeah, no, me too, my orgasm was definitely real also.
I-I-I just I kinda started seeing a friend of mine, recently.
"Seeing" as in Rowboat Rides? No No Rowboat Rides.
She says she wants to keep it casual.
Mm.
So she doesn't like you.
What? No, she likes me plenty.
Likes you when? You know, if something bad has happened and she's upset, she'll often come to me for comfort and solace.
Like when she has a fight with her boyfriend.
No! Sometimes It's about like work stuff.
You're confused.
A little.
You know why? Because it's confusing.
Oh, that's much clearer.
Thank you.
Look, if someone wants to keep it casual, they're gonna officially label it casual.
Right.
There's nothing less casual than the keep-it-casual conversation.
Right.
Exactly.
Because if you actually want to keep it casual, you're not gonna talk about it.
I mean, you should be at home all day, having sex in a lazy side spoon position Facing the television.
That's the way I do it.
Watching fresh prince reruns.
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
If I want to keep it casual, I not gonna have formal conversations.
Right.
It's opposing principles.
It defeats the whole purpose.
Well, it's like wearing sweatpants under suit pants.
- It's confusing.
- Exactly.
Mm-hmm.
I also try not to hand out certificates when we bang.
Good one.
Mm.
You know how you know this is casual? Because you're generally mean to me? Because I still have my shoes on under here.
- Really.
- Mm-hmm.
Mind if I check? Where do you think my shoes are? I'm mostly just trying to distract you from making fun of me.
Oh, we're gonna have to work a whole lot harder than that Oh yeah.
Okay, this way, everybody.
I wanna direct your attention to the sink full of dirty dishes everyone's been ignoring.
Okay, your mother doesn't work here.
We're all adults That's why it's called the adult film industry.
So I think we're capable of When does all the You know, sex happen? After lunch.
Five dollar Friday! Wanna do the honors? - Oh! - Come on.
No peeking! Dennis Walker.
Yes! Okay, our tour's gonna have to wait, I forgot I had a meeting.
Uh, Mandi, can you help me out for a sec? Who's the new girl? This is Alicia.
Mandi's our resident Uh, how would you describe yourself? In charge of spirit.
- Hi.
- Hi.
All right.
See you in a bit.
'Kay.
Wanna see the secret room? That guy sounds like such a jerk! Where does he live? I'm gonna go burn his house down.
He was kind of sweet.
Yeah.
Until he completely screwed you over.
I swear, the next time I see Ricky Lloyd, I'm gonna give him a face-punch.
So what do think of all this? I don't know, I don't have a problem with porn itself, it's just I'm not sure if I wanna Have sex with a stranger while a bunch of people film it? Right.
So don't.
Have sex with me.
I'm not a stranger.
We just bitched about our exes, consumed some refined sugar; that officially makes us friends.
But the script says I'm with Dennis.
You've seen a porn before, right? We're not super-committed to the story.
Yeah, but Wait You've never done it with a girl before.
What am I, Amish? Of course I've done it with a girl.
Alicia, I really like you, and it would mean a lot to me if You'd let me be your first.
Well, technically, Ricky would've been my first.
Ugh! Ricky?! Okay, that is it.
That guy's house is getting burned.
Oh There she is! Did you want some help? - There's a trick with those.
- I got it! Hey Hey, hey Are you drunk? It's okay, just It's okay.
Oh.
See? Not so hard.
Thanks.
What happened? It's complicated and I don't wanna talk about it.
I know what this is about.
You're upset About Mansoor.
What? Who's Our lovechild, conceived on the rooftop.
Unconceived in the pharmacy.
I named him Mansoor.
You miss him, don't you? I do.
Our imaginary Spanish-Asian Australian child.
God, he would've worked constantly.
This is how you're trying to make me fee better? Well, it's one of my ways.
I have many.
Oh yeah? Like what? Like break dancing.
Okay.
Okay, I got two ways.
What's in there? Ah! I have three ways.
Um do you wanna come in? Yeah.
Isn't that Nick's room? Yeah.
Um, I got evicted, so I'm just crashing here until I can scratch together enough money to get my own place.
Why did we stop hanging out? You banged an old blonde chick.
Riiiiight.
I'm not even into blondes.
Yes you are.
I've seen you into blondes.
Okay, how 'bout this? Let's get these all out.
Have you got anymore? Cuz I would love to get to the part where we're friends again.
I'm done.
I'm done.
She's a whore and I hate her.
Okay.
Now I'm done.
So why aren't you at work? I got sent home.
Why? For really good behaviour? Is everything okay? Are you okay? Not really.
What's wrong? Tell me.
I don't - Connor! - What? Move in with me.
What? I have a huge empty house, you can stay as long as you like.
No! Well, what're you gonna do? Are you gonna stay on Nick's couch forever? Nick is amazing.
He's there for me.
I can be there for you.
I will be there for you.
Okay, you need to leave.
Come on.
No, Abby, wait.
I'm sorry.
Let's just Let's just sit here and Um, are you hungry? I'll buy you some food.
Please.
Come on, let's just sit.
I'll just sit over here, and you can just stay over there, And I promise that I won't try and touch you.
Can I just talk? Okay okay I am sorry.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be here, but the truth is, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't have anyone to talk to about that because I've been pretty successful at keeping anyone who cares about me about as far away as possible Pretty much my entire life.
And if they have managed to get close, I've become quite good at finding ways to hurt them, take advantage of them, make them hate me.
Which, I guess, is safer or something? I don't know.
I have done a particularly good job of that lately.
In fact I think I may have just destroyed the first real relationship of my life.
And I guess I also just lost a movie, but uh I'm having trouble caring about that right now.
I don't have my 24-hour chip yet, because I haven't been sober for twenty-four hours.
But I'd really like to get that chip, I think.
I'm really tired.
Thanks for listening.
Goodbye.
Raquel! Raquel! Sorry.
I don't want this to be it.
I want to figure this out.
I'm just gonna ruin everything for both of us.
No, you're not.
Don't say goodbye.
Hello.
How was your day? Uh, oh! Everything okay? What happened? I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
You wanna get outta here, go to a movie, eat some food? What do you need? Whoa what is this? What are we I don't wanna be casual anymore.
There was a time when my world was filled with darkness darkness, darkness then I stopped dreaming now I'm supposed to fill it up with something something, something in your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before somebody long ago I'm still trying to make my mind up I love you.
Am I free or am I tied up? I love you.
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still I love you too.
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah, I slip I'm still an animal And that is a wrap on Alicia! You were so hot! That was incredible, Alicia.
Wasn't Alicia amazing? Okay, now we also have a bit of a surprise.
Through some hard-earned, much-protected intel, we've discovered it's somebody's birthday! Oh! You guys! Wait, you have to see the surprise! Daniel?! Happy Birthday, sexy.
All right, blow out your candles and cut this thing; these people want cake.
Alicia, this is one of my very best friends, Daniel Diaz.
I know who you are.
Oh, we've met? No, but I've auditioned for you.
Well, for your choreographer.
I didn't get hired or anything.
Oh, well, remind me to fire my choreographer.
Actually, we're auditioning for the new Will I Am video tomorrow.
What's your availability like in morning? Seriously? Seriously.
Look, here's my card.
Address is on there.
10:15, I'll squeeze you in? Isn't he the best?! Speech! Speech! Something tells me I'm lucky we met.
Me too.
I'm just so happy to have found all of you.
You guys are my family and I love all of you.
And because I'm probably gonna wreck my mascara anyway, um, I'd like to make a toast To a girl who had her first day today.
I just want her to know how incredible I think she is.
To Alicia.
To Alicia! Ah And now I'm pulling your disguise out are you free or are you tied up? Hey Tariq, you coming down? Come on, brother! I'm still, I'm still an animal nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah, I slip I'm still an animal I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah, I slip I'm still an animal Oh hey, man.
Can I have another Another round? I'm gonna have to say no.
Oh, come on, man.
The answer's still no.
What about a nice hot cup of tea then? Why don't you just pay your bill and go home? Somebody tell me where this home is that everyone keeps talking about? Show me where the home is, because I'll go there.
That's what I thought.
What, you enjoying the show? Not really.
You wanna give me some direction? Okay, Orlando Bloom, why don't you quit while you're ahead, before I show you where to go.
He's just a kid.
I don't care how old he is.
He talks to me like that again, I'll take him over my knee, maybe smash his pretty little face in for him.
I-I didn't mean anything by it.
I just had a hard day at the office.
Lost a patient.
Let me buy you a drink.
Ungh! Ungh! That's where you can go.
Just go home, man.
I'll be good.
Ungh!
A.
Complex": How long you guys been together? Why would he tell them? He'd have to out himself too.
They won't fire you just 'cause you're gay.
Dude, how much you think he's worth? Hey! Do not talk about money.
I'm still working him.
"Working him?" He's perfect; he's rich and bored with his life, and wants to get into movies.
My mother was a huge Grace Kelly fan.
If you could wear them in just one scene I'm in.
You're amazing.
Maybe this is a mistake.
Can we just keep in casual? Mm mm wait.
What does that mean? She's bragging to all her friends about that Usher tour.
I didn't even book that.
I am better than every single Look, you make a sex tape, and you can't be in a music video for tweens.
I got a job offer with Vivid.
- The porn company? - It's just sex, Nick.
Connor, why am I here? 'Cause I'm not good enough.
I don't want anything from you, and that's exactly what I get.
Hey, Connor ? Are you in there? Yeah! Oh! Look out! Yeah! Sorry I'm late, guys.
It's all right, I'm here.
Let's do this! Cut! Steve?! Let's do this.
Yes.
What does that even mean? That's what I'm asking you.
Okay, but you guys have slept together, right? Short answer: No.
Long answer: Nooooo.
Nick, she's been staying at your place for weeks.
Yeah, but I just got green lit very recently.
So what's the holdup? Well, one night, Alicia kinda ruined it She barged in.
Then another night I came home she was already asleep.
I'm not gonna do that.
And then there was another night where it just wasn't You know you can have sex during the daytime too.
Yes, I understand.
So, basically, you've fooled around once, - and that's it.
- Yes.
That doesn't really sound like much of anything.
Right, but she said "let's keep it casual.
" Right? Now, in your mind, what's the "it"? - What's the "it"? - What's the "it"? It's gotta be something.
Have a good day, losers! The "it" is friendship.
The "it" is nothing.
Hey! What're you doing? Lego roshomon.
What's up? Well, he's in.
Gary's in.
Are you serious?! He loved your shorts and he wants to invest in our movie.
Oh my God! For how much? All of it.
He's gonna pay for all of it.
Oh my God! Oh my God! We're making a movie! We're making a movie! Wait, wait, wait! We gotta celebrate! We gotta celebrate! I stole these from a timeshare seminar a couple months ago.
Perfect! Wait, wait, wait! Aren't you still in A.
A.
? We don't want you to break character.
The first step to fake-recovery is admitting you have a fake problem.
Ah! She's drinking.
Here you go! Yeah! Woo! Ugh! This tastes like sweaters.
It's only 10 A.
M.
Maybe we should just take a rain check.
- Yeah.
I guess.
- Right? We could mix it with orange drink.
Mimosas! We're making a movie! We're making a movie! Agghhhhhhhh! Havin' hard times in this crazy town havin' hard times there's no love to be found havin' hard times - Damn it! - Right? This girl's for real.
Sings good too.
Who the hell is this? Yo, just listen.
Listen.
Havin' hard times Damn! A'ight! Right?! Anybody call dibs on that yet? Naw, man, this is Tariq's girl.
I know.
Tariq's girl? Yo.
What'd you say her name was again? Abby.
Woo! Abby! A girl like you, with a voice like that, don't need to be messing with no little boy.
You need yourself a real man.
Guys: True dat! True dat! That there is the only real man I've ever been with.
You'll could learn a thing or two.
Ooooooooh! - I like her.
- Ungh! Oh my God! I hit a kid with my car! Get outta here! Where, where's the body? Freeze! Don't you understand? I'll kill myself if you don't go on a date with me You're putting a lot of pressure on me.
Jump in, man.
Nah, this is maybe a dumb idea, I'm a comic, not an improviser.
So what do you do when someone heckles you? Historically, sort of stand there and look scared until they stop.
Ah.
.
They'll show 'em.
So why'd you take my class? I don't know, I thought you might help me generate material, make me more spontaneous, I guess? So jump in then! Make something happen.
Look, this is a safe place.
No one is gonna judge you here.
- Get in there.
- Ok, freeze, I guess? Freeze! Yes, um You excuse me, you, this latte I ordered from you, here in this coffee shop, doesn't have enough foam.
Stop, stop.
Nick this scene is violently boring.
Take a risk, raise the stakes.
Oh.
Uh, I was actually just trying to draw from my own life, so Oh.
Well, in that case, your life is violently boring.
Take a risk, raise the stakes.
Go.
Uh, hold on! Hold on! Hold on! What is the origin of this coffee? This isn't fair trade! People are dying, I'll have you know! Freeze! Oh my God, we are trapped in the centre of the sun, and I am pregnant.
And there's a bomb that's about to go off and it's gonna kill my baby, and it's gonna kill everybody else, and it's gonna blow up the sun, and do I cut the red wire or do I cut the blue wire? I don't know 'cause I'm red-blue colour-blind.
And the baby is yours and it's coming.
It's coming.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay! Okay! I can't have this baby before you disarm this bomb! Hurry! Uh I'll keep the baby in you; You deal with the bomb.
We can do this! Hold my coffee? I love you.
Ow! And scene.
Students: This is why you're paying $200 a class, people! I'm afraid your son has intra Um, intra-ocular Ah, I can't say that.
Can we just say Eye cancer? Eye cancer.
I can say eye cancer.
I don't know what your son has.
Let's use that.
Real doctors probably forget stuff all the time.
Ugh! Can we just Why don't we just Animate my lips like animal movies, get Seth Rogen to do my voice.
He'd be funny.
I'm afraid that your son has uh Uh I'm sorry, but your son's dead.
All right.
Why don't we pick this up tomorrow? I'm sorry, I'm I I got it.
I'll just I'll just read it a couple times.
Yeah, why don't you go home and sleep it off.
I don't want to go home and sleep it off.
Connor, go home.
I'm sorry.
What's the line? I'm gonna go for a walk, I think.
Excellent mileage, zero down, and no payments for three months.
She's sleek, elegant, and sophisticated, just like you.
Thank you for dropping this off! This is my first new car.
Really? What's the occasion? A new job.
Oh.
Can I ask what you do? Oh! Sorry! Am I in the wrong room? Don't know who you are, where you came from, or what Tariq told you, but I know one thing: If I so much as hear a whisper about some little bitch spreading lies about Kaldrick king? That little bitch is gonna spend the most painful twenty-four hours of her damn life Before she disappears forever.
You feel me? Yeah, you feel me.
Connor, we're gonna wrap you for the day.
Why don't you head home? Home.
You know what? You're tired.
Let me just check you out.
Seriously, come on.
Just take a deep breath.
Connor, I think it's time to go.
I think you need to go home.
Call me in the morning.
I have to get into that writing room with you guys.
Just doing takes, I'm like Wouldn't it be great if I then But between this and between the other series that I'm on hold for Oh! Yes! Got it! Quest, quest, questo I don't speak Spanish, man.
Course you do.
Soy Someone ate all your cookies.
You wanna get outta here? Do you wanna get outta here? Let's get outta here.
I have to work all day.
Ditch with me.
Not right- hey! What? Okay, jeez! Okay! Hey, man, I'm Pete.
I'm fillin' in for Danny.
Where's home? Alicia? Are you ready to shoot? Are you okay in there? Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
Is your room okay? Is it too warm? Is it too cold? - It's fine.
- Hey, Tabitha.
Well, I didn't know what you wanted to drink, but I can get you a water, or a juice if you'd rather Water's fine, thank you.
Oh, perfect timing! Dennis, this is Alicia.
Alicia, this is Dennis.
You two will be working together today.
It's nice to meet you, Alicia.
I'm really looking forward to working with you.
If there's anything you need And I mean anything - you just let me know.
Donna tells me this is your first time.
I don't wanna do this anymore! I changed my mind, I'm going home.
But Hey.
Sabrina, right? Um I'm Nick.
I don't know if you remember me, but we just did a scene where I put my hands on your And then kissed you and then you slapped me? It was like a minute ago.
Rings a vague bell.
Yeah.
That was crazy, huh? Sure was, Nick.
Well, all the best.
Uh You're not by any chance silently watching me, are you, Nick? No.
I just I wanted to I wanted to thank you for saving my bacon back there.
Sure.
You looked really foolish until I slapped you in the face.
That's probably true.
Uh, now, about that slap, was that Was that Like were you in like character? Mm, you know, I was just so into it out there, I don't know who it was, you know? Right Well, I just wanted to come over and apologize for kissing you.
You know, here's some lady advice from a lady: Maybe don't express regret about kissing a girl to the girl you just kissed.
Ever.
Uh, duly noted.
So did I hear you right? You're a comic? Um yep.
- Cool.
Me too.
- Yeah? Are you funnier than I am? I'm just messing with you, I know the answer's no.
So who are you into? Like influences? Uh, I don't know, Bill Cosby.
George Carlin.
Anyone not from olden times? Yes.
Someone's that not I like Patton Oswalt a lot.
So you know how to use the Internet.
That's good.
I do, yes.
Good.
Have you ever heard of dice's "the day the laughter died"? Dice? Like Andrew Dice Clay? The diceman? Uh, no, it's not the mid-nineties It's not what you think.
It's this amazing set where he just completely bombs.
It's like watching your least favourite Uncle implode in slow motion.
Wow.
That sounds No, I've never heard that one.
I actually just got into the just for laughs showcase.
You know what I just decided while you were trying to brag to me? You should come over now and listen to it.
Like come over to your place? Yeah.
Okay.
Come on! You can come to terms with it on the way.
Uh, yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
Hey, is something wrong? Um, I don't feel well, I have to go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up a second.
You you what? I just Something came over me and I-I don't think I can sing any more today.
Do you know how hard it was to get you in here? I have to go home.
Abby, what's wrong? Hey! We doin' this or what? Get outta my way, I have to go home.
ooh ooh-ooh Lookin' for a lovin' home it never is far away The only way to move on is to get back in the game Ah, that's so erotic.
Hey hippies! Get in this pool! We're making a movie! Get in the pool! Come on! Hey, boozehog, quit hogging the booze! You almost ruined our terrible champagne! Gary What're you doing here? My patient canceled.
Thought I'd see if you wanted a coffee.
But it looks like you don't.
We were We were just celebrating 'cause of the movie.
I can see that.
I can't be here right now.
I just had like a couple swigs of champagne.
It's not a big deal.
I think we both know that neither of those things are true.
Gary! What? You wanna lie to me some more? She's just a party girl smoking What just happened there? I think Raquel just fell off the wagon.
Gary! Gary, wait! Please stop! Gary, listen! Listen! I screwed up, okay? I don't know what you want me to say.
I screwed up and it's never gonna happen again.
Traditionally, a drunk will sober up before promising to not drink again.
I'm so sorry.
It's my fault.
I never should've gotten involved with you.
It's too early in my sobriety.
Clearly, too early in yours.
Oh, Gary Please don't do this I need you.
You need a meeting.
I can't help you anymore.
- Gary - Goodbye, Raquel.
Gary, come on! Gary, come on! Please! What did you say to her?! One second she's fine, the next minute she's crying her eyes out.
Tariq, what's going on? You better watch your tone, boy.
Before somebody mistake you for being disrespectful.
Oh, you wanna talk about respect? Well, I wasn't gonna make it big deal, being that that's your girl and all.
But since you asked me so nicely, your little friend followed me into the bathroom, asked what she could do to make sure she makes the cut.
Now, on principle, I told her I couldn't consummate, you know, on a biblical level But she could blow me.
After that, I guess she got cold feet or something.
Little bitch ran out crying.
Now, I know you're upset, but you should see how my dick feels.
Not a happy dick, brother! I quit.
Tariq! Tariq! He ain't gonna quit.
What was that all about, man? He asked me, so I told him.
You say something like that, how'd you expect him to react? I woulda walked out on you too.
I go to prison for a year, all of a sudden, everybody got feelings.
Nah, I got it.
Look, I know I signed a contract, so if you wanna sue me then sue me.
I just bought a new car.
You're more than welcome to have that.
But aside from that I'm broke, so good luck.
I'm not a lawyer.
I'm Donna.
I'm the director today.
I was hoping we could have a little chat? Okay, well, whoever you are, I'm leaving, so.
Okay.
Look, I don't know you, okay? But you are obviously a beautiful, sexy young woman with a good head on her shoulders.
And I'd be lying to you if I said they didn't all see dollar signs when they look at you.
But nobody's gonna force you to do something you don't wanna do.
No, I know that.
Truth is you'll have more control here than you'll ever get in mainstream Hollywood, and you'll probably have to sleep with fewer people.
Listen, why don't you just hang around for the day.
You know, get a feel for the place.
You don't have to shoot anything.
Or you can leave right now.
Completely up to you.
Eddie: Eddie, c'mon man, I can hear you in there.
All right.
Okay.
Hey! Connor! What's up, man? You look terrible.
I just want um Can I have my old room back? Yeah, right.
Seriously? It's been rented.
All the rooms are rented.
What do you want your room back for? What, are you researching a role? I'll take your room.
I'll take anything.
I'll pay you double.
Triple.
Okay.
Hey, come on in for second, buddy.
It's great to see you, man.
Connor, you do not wanna move back in here, okay? I think we have silverfish.
Do you know what silverfish are? Neither do I, but they are terrifying.
And I think there's asbestos in the walls.
I was cleaning the vents in 111 last week, all of a sudden I've got a cough I can't get rid of and my arm will not stop itching.
So what I think you should do, is just go back to your mansion and have nice epsom salt bath in your big hot tub.
'Kay? Right? What? Oh hey man, hey.
It's okay.
I don't think Hey.
No, no, no.
Shush.
Shush.
Shush.
You want a drink? Huh? I'll make one of Eddie's magical mojitos.
How 'bout that? Yeah? Have a drink, we'll stop crying, it'll be great.
Here.
Come sit.
Come sit.
Right there.
Okay.
Wow.
Great place.
Oh, cool, you like A bunch of music I don't know.
You know this one? I thought we were gonna listen to Andrew Dice Clay.
You did? That's adorable.
Oh! Mm okay.
I mean, I'd still like to hear it after.
It sounds really interesting.
Uh What? I'm sorry, this is just so cool.
This whole thing is just so cool.
You're like this awesome girl I barely know and then- stop talking.
Okay.
Tariq.
Tariq! Boy, I'm talking to you.
What did you say to her? Don't you come at me all puffed up like that! She's my friend, I care about her.
I don't give a damn about her! What about me? Hmm? You talked to that girl about me? She's not gonna say anything! Oh, I know she's not.
You know how I know? Cuz I told her I'd put her ass in the ground.
You can't threaten my friends.
Well, then don't make me! You broke the rules when you ran your damn mouth! You know, I am sick of your rules! How'd you think it was gonna play out? You thought I was just gonna let you talk to your little friends? Do you love me? Keep your voice down, Tariq.
Do you love me? - I'm not gonna say it again.
- Do you love me?! - Keep your voice- - Do you- stop! Get off me! Get off me! Keep your damn voice down.
I love you.
You know I do.
But this is my life, you understand that? Why'd you bring that girl here in the first place, huh? So Dynasty and Jay and everybody else can see that you're a real man.
We're exactly the same.
Mm no.
You're all hate.
Oh! I'm sorry.
Stay away from me, stay away from my friends.
Oh, Tariq! It's like the best worst thing ever.
Right? Oh, I hope I don't die like that on my "Just for laughs" showcase.
You should keep namedropping that a few more times.
I haven't quite figured out you're doing it yet.
Sorry.
Do you want me to call John, see if I can get you a spot I'm already on the bill, junior, but thanks.
Let's hear some of this amazing set.
Oh, no, I Yes, one thing.
One funny joke.
Um oh, okay.
Vagina's are like time machines: Men go in, babies come out.
I'm not really giving it my Well, it's part of a whole bigger thing.
Has anybody ever laughed at that? You're starting to make me feel bad.
Don't blame me, blame your terrible joke.
What is wrong? Did I hurt your feelings? I can be sharp and pointy sometimes, but I actually really like you.
I didn't even have to fake my orgasm, and that is rare.
Yeah, no, me too, my orgasm was definitely real also.
I-I-I just I kinda started seeing a friend of mine, recently.
"Seeing" as in Rowboat Rides? No No Rowboat Rides.
She says she wants to keep it casual.
Mm.
So she doesn't like you.
What? No, she likes me plenty.
Likes you when? You know, if something bad has happened and she's upset, she'll often come to me for comfort and solace.
Like when she has a fight with her boyfriend.
No! Sometimes It's about like work stuff.
You're confused.
A little.
You know why? Because it's confusing.
Oh, that's much clearer.
Thank you.
Look, if someone wants to keep it casual, they're gonna officially label it casual.
Right.
There's nothing less casual than the keep-it-casual conversation.
Right.
Exactly.
Because if you actually want to keep it casual, you're not gonna talk about it.
I mean, you should be at home all day, having sex in a lazy side spoon position Facing the television.
That's the way I do it.
Watching fresh prince reruns.
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
If I want to keep it casual, I not gonna have formal conversations.
Right.
It's opposing principles.
It defeats the whole purpose.
Well, it's like wearing sweatpants under suit pants.
- It's confusing.
- Exactly.
Mm-hmm.
I also try not to hand out certificates when we bang.
Good one.
Mm.
You know how you know this is casual? Because you're generally mean to me? Because I still have my shoes on under here.
- Really.
- Mm-hmm.
Mind if I check? Where do you think my shoes are? I'm mostly just trying to distract you from making fun of me.
Oh, we're gonna have to work a whole lot harder than that Oh yeah.
Okay, this way, everybody.
I wanna direct your attention to the sink full of dirty dishes everyone's been ignoring.
Okay, your mother doesn't work here.
We're all adults That's why it's called the adult film industry.
So I think we're capable of When does all the You know, sex happen? After lunch.
Five dollar Friday! Wanna do the honors? - Oh! - Come on.
No peeking! Dennis Walker.
Yes! Okay, our tour's gonna have to wait, I forgot I had a meeting.
Uh, Mandi, can you help me out for a sec? Who's the new girl? This is Alicia.
Mandi's our resident Uh, how would you describe yourself? In charge of spirit.
- Hi.
- Hi.
All right.
See you in a bit.
'Kay.
Wanna see the secret room? That guy sounds like such a jerk! Where does he live? I'm gonna go burn his house down.
He was kind of sweet.
Yeah.
Until he completely screwed you over.
I swear, the next time I see Ricky Lloyd, I'm gonna give him a face-punch.
So what do think of all this? I don't know, I don't have a problem with porn itself, it's just I'm not sure if I wanna Have sex with a stranger while a bunch of people film it? Right.
So don't.
Have sex with me.
I'm not a stranger.
We just bitched about our exes, consumed some refined sugar; that officially makes us friends.
But the script says I'm with Dennis.
You've seen a porn before, right? We're not super-committed to the story.
Yeah, but Wait You've never done it with a girl before.
What am I, Amish? Of course I've done it with a girl.
Alicia, I really like you, and it would mean a lot to me if You'd let me be your first.
Well, technically, Ricky would've been my first.
Ugh! Ricky?! Okay, that is it.
That guy's house is getting burned.
Oh There she is! Did you want some help? - There's a trick with those.
- I got it! Hey Hey, hey Are you drunk? It's okay, just It's okay.
Oh.
See? Not so hard.
Thanks.
What happened? It's complicated and I don't wanna talk about it.
I know what this is about.
You're upset About Mansoor.
What? Who's Our lovechild, conceived on the rooftop.
Unconceived in the pharmacy.
I named him Mansoor.
You miss him, don't you? I do.
Our imaginary Spanish-Asian Australian child.
God, he would've worked constantly.
This is how you're trying to make me fee better? Well, it's one of my ways.
I have many.
Oh yeah? Like what? Like break dancing.
Okay.
Okay, I got two ways.
What's in there? Ah! I have three ways.
Um do you wanna come in? Yeah.
Isn't that Nick's room? Yeah.
Um, I got evicted, so I'm just crashing here until I can scratch together enough money to get my own place.
Why did we stop hanging out? You banged an old blonde chick.
Riiiiight.
I'm not even into blondes.
Yes you are.
I've seen you into blondes.
Okay, how 'bout this? Let's get these all out.
Have you got anymore? Cuz I would love to get to the part where we're friends again.
I'm done.
I'm done.
She's a whore and I hate her.
Okay.
Now I'm done.
So why aren't you at work? I got sent home.
Why? For really good behaviour? Is everything okay? Are you okay? Not really.
What's wrong? Tell me.
I don't - Connor! - What? Move in with me.
What? I have a huge empty house, you can stay as long as you like.
No! Well, what're you gonna do? Are you gonna stay on Nick's couch forever? Nick is amazing.
He's there for me.
I can be there for you.
I will be there for you.
Okay, you need to leave.
Come on.
No, Abby, wait.
I'm sorry.
Let's just Let's just sit here and Um, are you hungry? I'll buy you some food.
Please.
Come on, let's just sit.
I'll just sit over here, and you can just stay over there, And I promise that I won't try and touch you.
Can I just talk? Okay okay I am sorry.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be here, but the truth is, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't have anyone to talk to about that because I've been pretty successful at keeping anyone who cares about me about as far away as possible Pretty much my entire life.
And if they have managed to get close, I've become quite good at finding ways to hurt them, take advantage of them, make them hate me.
Which, I guess, is safer or something? I don't know.
I have done a particularly good job of that lately.
In fact I think I may have just destroyed the first real relationship of my life.
And I guess I also just lost a movie, but uh I'm having trouble caring about that right now.
I don't have my 24-hour chip yet, because I haven't been sober for twenty-four hours.
But I'd really like to get that chip, I think.
I'm really tired.
Thanks for listening.
Goodbye.
Raquel! Raquel! Sorry.
I don't want this to be it.
I want to figure this out.
I'm just gonna ruin everything for both of us.
No, you're not.
Don't say goodbye.
Hello.
How was your day? Uh, oh! Everything okay? What happened? I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
You wanna get outta here, go to a movie, eat some food? What do you need? Whoa what is this? What are we I don't wanna be casual anymore.
There was a time when my world was filled with darkness darkness, darkness then I stopped dreaming now I'm supposed to fill it up with something something, something in your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before somebody long ago I'm still trying to make my mind up I love you.
Am I free or am I tied up? I love you.
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still I love you too.
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah, I slip I'm still an animal And that is a wrap on Alicia! You were so hot! That was incredible, Alicia.
Wasn't Alicia amazing? Okay, now we also have a bit of a surprise.
Through some hard-earned, much-protected intel, we've discovered it's somebody's birthday! Oh! You guys! Wait, you have to see the surprise! Daniel?! Happy Birthday, sexy.
All right, blow out your candles and cut this thing; these people want cake.
Alicia, this is one of my very best friends, Daniel Diaz.
I know who you are.
Oh, we've met? No, but I've auditioned for you.
Well, for your choreographer.
I didn't get hired or anything.
Oh, well, remind me to fire my choreographer.
Actually, we're auditioning for the new Will I Am video tomorrow.
What's your availability like in morning? Seriously? Seriously.
Look, here's my card.
Address is on there.
10:15, I'll squeeze you in? Isn't he the best?! Speech! Speech! Something tells me I'm lucky we met.
Me too.
I'm just so happy to have found all of you.
You guys are my family and I love all of you.
And because I'm probably gonna wreck my mascara anyway, um, I'd like to make a toast To a girl who had her first day today.
I just want her to know how incredible I think she is.
To Alicia.
To Alicia! Ah And now I'm pulling your disguise out are you free or are you tied up? Hey Tariq, you coming down? Come on, brother! I'm still, I'm still an animal nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah, I slip I'm still an animal I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah, I slip I'm still an animal Oh hey, man.
Can I have another Another round? I'm gonna have to say no.
Oh, come on, man.
The answer's still no.
What about a nice hot cup of tea then? Why don't you just pay your bill and go home? Somebody tell me where this home is that everyone keeps talking about? Show me where the home is, because I'll go there.
That's what I thought.
What, you enjoying the show? Not really.
You wanna give me some direction? Okay, Orlando Bloom, why don't you quit while you're ahead, before I show you where to go.
He's just a kid.
I don't care how old he is.
He talks to me like that again, I'll take him over my knee, maybe smash his pretty little face in for him.
I-I didn't mean anything by it.
I just had a hard day at the office.
Lost a patient.
Let me buy you a drink.
Ungh! Ungh! That's where you can go.
Just go home, man.
I'll be good.
Ungh!