The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e05 Episode Script

You folks see that flashing sign up there? That sign says "applesauce.
" No, I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now remember, you're all a big part of the show so the better you are, the better Larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign, and it says we're on in ten seconds.
So get ready to have a good time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? In five, four, three, two Live, on tape from Hollywood The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight, join Larry and his guests.
' Angelica Huston, The Black Crowes and comedianJeff Cesario.
And now, because he couldn't find the exit door Larry Sanders! Thank you very much.
Welcome! Welcome! Thank you.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Thank you.
Mike Tyson was quoted as saying in an interview last week that "I'm in love with myself.
" Sorry, girls.
That's it.
That's that joke.
The United States Post Office has decided to use both Elvis stamps.
- Did you know this? - I did not.
They're using the young Elvis stamp for standard mail and the old Elvis stamp for packages over 300 pounds.
We have a wonderful show tonight.
Angelica Huston, The Black Crowes, Jeff Cesario.
To Artie, get well soon, who's watching at home.
I'm amazed by these people who are married 60, 70 years.
The only time you hear about it when somebody passes away.
Like the wife, married 70 years, she'll pass away.
And then a week later, the husband dies.
And everybody always says, "That's love.
" Well, maybe it's love.
Maybe she just didn't tell him where she put his medication.
Very funny.
- Very funny stuff tonight.
- Thanks.
I guess we're out of time? - I hope you'll come back again.
- Anytime.
Thanks for having me.
It's a pleasure.
And I want to say again to Artie who I know is watching, our producer, get well soon.
Artie had that emergency appendectomy and he'll be back soon, I hope.
Yes, Arthur, come back soon.
We miss your cigar smoke in the hallway.
I would like to quickly introduce our producer who's been standing in for Artie Jonathan Littman, my good friend.
Come on out and say hello.
Jonathan, you're doing a wonderful job.
How long have we known each other now? That's right.
We're out of time.
So stay tuned for Horseshit.
Not once in six years did he ever invite me up on the stage.
Horseshit.
¿Cómo se dice "horseshit"? Qué pasa with Jeff Cesario sitting with the panel first time he's up there as a stand-up? Jesus! ¡Muy malo! This is a very bad precedent.
Come on.
A little tequila.
Tequila, no.
Nina, don't you see my show is being taken over by a guy who looks and sounds like Vanessa Redgrave? Come on.
But David Letterman, ¿por favor? - Yeah.
Thanks.
- Very funny show last night.
What was your favorite part? I loved that part where you walk into Larry, great audience last night.
Yeah, it was, Phil.
What's with Phil's fucking nose? Excuse me.
Larry? Sam Fitzgerald, new head of late-night programming.
Nice to meet you.
What happened to Melanie Perish? - Maternity leave.
- I didn't know she was pregnant.
She isn't.
Let's just leave it at that.
Jonathan, I'd like you to meet Sam Fitzgerald of the network.
The network has read your memo and the suggestions for the show are very exciting.
- Let's talk about it in my office.
- Terrific.
- I saw the show.
Good new ideas.
- Thank you.
Yeah, they wereJonathan's.
I had a feeling they were.
Jonathan, I'm a big fan of your work.
I loved the thing you did with Damon Wayans and that MTVyoung comedians thing.
May I say, you really rock me.
Maybe you're too easily rocked.
When are we going to implement some of the points Jonathan brought up? I've been asking Larry the same thing.
I think they are good ideas, and we should consider them one at a time.
Too much change too soon isn't good for the system.
With Carson gone now, it's anybody's race.
I agree with Sam.
Now's the time to really make a move.
We can pass Arsenio and Leno.
This is no time for a pit stop.
Does this mean we have to start wearing jumpsuits because I think only Hank has one? - Thanks for coming by.
- Sure.
And it goes without saying this memo is not for general distribution.
If there's one thing I'm known for, it's my complete discretion.
What really happened to Melanie Perish, by the way? You didn't get this from me, but her live-in boyfriend left.
She tried to kill herself with an overdose of Halcion.
Is that right? She's okay.
Let's just leave it at that, okay? Boy, oh, boy.
- She wasn't pregnant then? - This business will do that to you.
I got the memo! Niceness.
How'd you get it, man? It was right on Larry's desk, right in a folder under some papers, in a drawer that was locked.
Finding the key was a bitch.
"Number one: New graphics.
" They did that.
"Number two: There's no reason first-time stand-ups can't do panel.
Number three: The guitar player's chronic marijuana abuse is a problem.
Must do something about that.
" They're taking that shit seriously.
- What else is in there? - Here we go.
"The monologues are getting soft and predictable like Leno's.
Of all the writers, Phil seems to be the man to take control.
" "Phil seems to be the man to take control.
Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile.
My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back.
" Right.
You know, Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.
Yeah, the memo is way off.
"Social maladjustment.
" What the hell does that mean? Now I'm sorry I made copies of this for everybody.
The memo didn't say anything bad about you.
No, but, you know, it said It said, " As far as Hank is concerned, the show could benefit from a sidekick who skews more towards a younger audience.
" Hank is very sensitive about his age.
He's only 34.
Hank is not 34.
- What? - How did you find out? Anyway, whatever age he is, he isn't that much older than Larry.
Look, right here.
"Darlene is the most competent person in the office.
" - I didn't see that.
- It's not actually here but it should be.
Yeah.
That is great.
Stay tuned.
We'll talk more about the book, Shirts Come In All Colors.
Clear! - What are you doing? - I was gonna move the plant.
Why move it now? First, Arthur tells me to put more plants on the set.
Now I hear from this memo that there's too many plants on the set.
Listen, Mr.
Sanders if you don't like the job I do on any particular plant just tell me to my face.
I went through this same shit once with Sajak.
I'm gonna get right to the point.
The reason I called you here is because I know there's this memo going around.
I'm pretty pissed off about it because it wasn't supposed to get around.
This memo does not reflect how I feel about things and I disagree with the things on that memo.
- Like what? - "Like what?" I don't have the memo committed to memory.
Does somebody have a copy? I can see what's going on.
I'll turn around and somebody put the memo in front of me.
Very funny.
Very fuckin' funny.
This thing about the plants.
Let's start there.
I don't agree with that.
I think you can never have enough vegetation.
Ask Sting.
What about the monologue jokes being "soft and predictable"? I'm sorry I'm late.
What's up? Oh, my God, we've been canceled.
No, we are talking about something else.
We have not been canceled.
What is it? Is Artie dead? Go ahead.
Go ahead.
I can take it.
We're discussing the memo, Hank.
- What memo? - Don't act dumb.
That's an insult.
I'm not acting dumb.
I don't know what memo.
I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.
- I don't know about it.
- I'm sorry.
They'll tell you about it.
Tell him about the memo.
Did Artie die? Do you believe this shit? Excuse me.
Jonathan? Diane here has convinced me that as far as the carpet's concerned we really ought to go with something more direct.
We have a situation here.
I know, Larry.
Excuse me.
How did this happen? That memo was in my desk in a folder under some papers, in a drawer that was locked.
What do I need, a fuckin' security camera? I covered that on page three of the memo.
Maybe I should get one before I get shot.
Can you just relax? "Relax"? My entire staff is paranoid.
They think they're going to be replaced.
- So? - "So?" Yeah, so maybe they'll have to work harder.
Maybe the show will become funnier.
Maybe the fucking coffee will become a little bit hotter.
From my own experience, fear is a great motivator.
I don't think I want people to fear me.
Respect me, fine.
Think I'm attractive and a great dancer, fine.
But let's draw the line there.
Do me a favor.
Why don't you let this whole thing just play itself out? Do you really think people are working as hard as they can around here? Do you really think you're getting the respect that you deserve? Come on.
Answer me.
All right, we'll play it out but Artie cannot find out about this.
- Come on.
Artie.
- Especially the plant thing.
That greenery balance on the set has been one of his pet projects for years.
Promise me it doesn't get back to him.
"Visually, the guests get lost in all the plants.
It's like a jungle out there.
Sometimes when I flip past the show on TV it looks like an old Tarzan movie.
" Horseshit! This isn't about those plants.
This is about me.
I am those plants, goddamn it.
Morning.
- What have you heard? - About what? Good.
It's being contained.
They are cleaning house.
No one is safe.
What? Phone the agent.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" Sid Bissell, please.
Hank Kingsley calling.
"I will fear no evil, for Thou art my rod and my" Sid? Jonathan Littman is taking over the Sanders show.
He hates my work.
Don't you remember? He fired me from that QE2 Fourth ofJuly special.
Protect me, Sid.
Come on.
Protect me! This goes no further.
- Where was I? - "For Thou art my rod" "And my staff.
Thou makest me to lay down in green pastures.
" - I can't see Hank now.
- Hank would like to I can't! Not right now.
- Want to see me? - No.
- What the hell is going on? - I'm sorry.
What is it, the memo? The ideas contained in that memo are not my ideas.
I do not happen to think we need a younger sidekick.
Thank you.
What is that? What? You mean this? The earring? I've had this for, golly, some time now.
Bullshit.
You've gotten an earring to make yourself look younger.
What have you done to your nipples? - Hey now.
- Let me see.
Come on.
Let me see.
Sit down.
Sit down! What's wrong? What's wrong? Hank, look that way.
Look up.
Look down.
Did that loosen you up? - How's that feel? - Good.
- Oh, boy.
Does this hurt? - Yes! Where'd you get this done? Was it in a sterile environment? Look that way.
- Boy, very swollen and reddish.
- Really? - And the left ear is the gay ear.
- It is? When you wear it low like that, it means you're catching, not pitching.
I had a friend who was allergic to base metal.
Got a really bad infection.
Lost about 90% of his hearing.
- Yeah? - That looks very pussy.
What kind of metal did they use? I gotta go.
I'm sure it's fine.
I like it.
Keep it.
Yeah, "keep it.
" All right.
Boy, oh, boy.
Don't hide it.
Be proud.
Catching, not pitching.
Call me an ambulance.
Close that door.
What are you doing here? I'm preparing to say good-bye.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Come on.
It's Demerol, you ass, and tequila.
It's a good mix.
Heard about the memo? Are you kidding? You think there's anything that goes on around here that I don't know about? If somebody farts in the Xerox room, I've heard about it.
Listen.
Nothing gets by me.
Nothing.
What the hell's in your ear? - Earring.
- Get rid of it, for God's sake.
I can't.
Larry wants me to keep it.
I think it's infected.
I can hear something inside my head.
I guarantee you there's nothing in there.
Here, drink this.
No, thanks.
I got a show tonight.
I'm obviously going to be under a massive program of antibiotics.
Drink it, or I'll knock you to the floor step on your neck and piss in that good ear.
Never get sick.
If there's one cardinal rule in show business, it's "Never get sick.
" It's when you're down, when you show the slightest weakness that they slip that knife in your back.
Darlene, I'm feeling better, so just cancel that ambulance.
Do you think you're really out? Of course I'm out.
Jesus! If you're out, we're all out.
I have to admire that little lago Jonathan Littman.
He played it brilliantly.
I want you to be honest with me.
I'm going to ask you something of a very, very personal nature.
- Go right ahead.
- Please, hear me out.
I've never said anything like this to another human being.
I'm just gonna say it, okay? Do you think I skew to an older demographic? It's all bullshit.
It's just change for the sake of change.
It's endemic in Hollywood.
It has nothing to do with the way any of us do our jobs.
It's flavor of the month What the hell you doin' now? - I'm sorry.
- That's the way this town runs.
Competence professionalism, loyalty they're not words in the Hollywood vocabulary.
What's gonna happen to me? Too sad to even think about.
Oh, God.
Regis Philbin.
Come on, Artie.
Regis Philbin.
He came back.
Is that what you want to do? You want to sit there while Kathie Lee prattles on in your good ear about how Frank hates to change Cody's poopy diapers? Fuck me.
Hello, you worthless piece of shit! Don't worry about us.
We have options.
Does the name SallyJessy Raphael mean anything to you? "SallyJessy Raphael"? Yeah, "Cousins Will Fuck" is the first topic.
I see.
Arthur, you shouldn't be up.
You just had surgery.
Yeah, but that knife was wielded by a relative stranger.
You're as young as you feel! That's what they say.
Jesus, Artie.
You got Hank drunk? Hank does whatever he wants.
Sit down there, Hank.
Please, please let me take this earring out.
I can't hardly see and the infection is going right to my optic nerve.
Larry fuckin' cares about your fuckin' eye! He wouldn't fuckin' care if that infection ran straight into your brain swelling it to such a grotesque size that the skull bursts like a ripe honeydew melon.
I saw a case like this in Korea once.
It was a horrible, painful way to die.
Yeah, the screams still haunt me.
- So where's your friend now? - Yeah! Yeah, the Whiz Kid! I put up with such shit from this memo.
Get off it! You couldn't wait to get that butthole buddy of yours in here because you don't want anybody in here who will challenge you! You don't want anybody You just want people that fear suck up to you! Could we please talk about this at another time? I think you've been drinking, and you're under medication.
I put up enough with that from the writers.
There won't be another occasion, sonny boy 'cause I quit.
- This is fuckin' nuts.
- Is it now? We look like nuts to you? Hank just threw up in my wastebasket.
Artie had a drunken tantrum.
He thinks he's out.
- Really? - Yeah.
And he thinks we're hiring you to take his place.
- Is that right? - That's right.
I need you, Jonathan, to come with me right now.
We're gonna tell Artie you are not interested in taking his job.
- Sam, I'd like you to go with me.
- I don't know that we can do that.
I think Sam's reluctance to placate Arthur is based on his knowledge of my this is an embarrassing admission but my enthusiastic and aggressive interest in taking his job and producing this show.
Are you serious? We at the network love the direction the show's taken the last couple of weeks.
Hold it.
I can see what's happening here.
I'm the schmuck in this story, aren't I? I'm just saying that we would not be unhappy ifJonathan were to take over as producer.
When you say "us," you mean the network? You mean, the entire network? Sheldon is behind this 100%.
- He is? - Yeah.
Call him if you think we're lying.
You know, Sheldon and I are really close.
Okay, we're lying.
Hi, Jeannie, honey? I'll be home around 8:00, okay? Just wanted to let you Love you too.
Bye.
All right.
I suppose we did make one slight, little tactical error.
We did not have you on board from the very beginning.
But I have to say my most egregious mistake was overlooking our friendship in my somewhat lusty pursuit of this job.
Have I ever told you, Jon, I can't stand the way you talk? I think we're done here.
- I don't think you want to read that.
- What is this? "One of Sanders's weaknesses is that he doesn't have a stable of beloved characters a la Carnac, Aunt Blabby, et cetera.
" Don't read it.
Obviously you guys don't know about my Chinese weatherman.
It's "fleezing"! Lee and I are going to buy that place we always dreamed about in Puerto Vallarta.
Sitting on a veranda over the blue Pacific watching the sunset counting the pelicans.
Artie, just hear me out about this.
I can't do this show without you.
I don't want to do this show without you.
You're the reason I'm here, 'cause you've trusted me.
You've had faith in me right from the beginning.
That's right.
Like the first week when you couldn't hold down solid food.
Remember you held my head? I don't want some new guy holdin' my head.
Thanks.
Remember that day when we spent the entire morning readjusting these damn plants? Listen, you are the one that wanted these plants.
But then you got upset because you said you couldn't see the Hollywood sign or the sunset.
Well, you know Well, the sunrise.
Sunset.
It's a nighttime show.
We're facing east, so it's actually the sun rising.
West.
You considered that stuck-up little shit, didn't you? I had every right to consider him.
Damn right you did.
I taught you well.
Come on.
What do you think? I would dump someone I love just because some new good-looking guy comes along? You know, I'm always telling you how funny you are and how well your clothes fit and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants.
I don't do that because I have to.
I do it because I love you, you bastard.
I don't want you to see me like this.
So, you're gonna stay, right? Thanks.
- Hey, Lare.
- Hey, Morty.
You know Robert Morton? How could I forget him? Co-exec producer for the Letterman show.
- Right.
We're having lunch today.
- Oh, yeah.
Artie, it is just lunch.
Come on.
We're just having lunch.
I swear to God.
Great to see you.
How are you? I'm great.
Thank you.
- You know my producer Artie.
- Sure.
Hi, Artie.
- How are you doing? - I'm fine.
Thanks.
Man, you guys sure have a lot of fuckin' plants on this set.