The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh, Stu, don't feel bad.
Come on.
God, I just want to put a bullet in my brain.
I can't believe my date is a no-show.
- It's not that big a deal.
- Come on, Stu.
This was supposed to be a double date.
No, I mean, I'm used to it being the three of us.
- Yeah.
- And sometimes it's fun.
You guys don't get it, okay? It's not easy meeting someone in this new age.
Maybe you need to work on your approach.
- Yeah.
- Tell me what you say when - you meet a girl you like.
- Okay, usually I'm like, "Excuse me.
Are you ready to get Stued? By the way, my name's Stu.
" - Whoa.
- That doesn't even sound like it's fun getting "Stued.
" I think you're making this harder than it actually is.
- Yeah.
- You just find a nice girl and ask her out for a drink.
No lines I don't know where to meet a nice girl.
What about work? Well, there is this one girl at work, but I'm just kind of too nervous to ask her out.
- At work? Who? - Marie.
Not Marie Marie.
Yeah, Marie.
Pretty Marie.
Morons! What part of "Blue is for recycling" do you not understand? I am going to leave the company rulebook open to the page I need you to memorize, or you'll lose your vacation time.
Suck on that! You're physically attracted to Marie? Ohhhh, I love the way she yells.
That's a strange thing to be attracted to.
You know what? I'm going to take your advice and I'm gonna ask her out.
No, that was not the advice.
- Tim.
- Yeah? - I'm desperate.
- Not that desperate.
The only two people at work I have not asked out are Marie and Gladys.
Oh, these feet are filthy, aren't they? Shouldn't clip the toenails in public, you know? Yeah.
I wouldn't rule Gladys out.
I really wouldn't.
Sure, Debra, we offer maternity leave.
It's called "the weekend.
" Squeeze the kid out, sew it up, be back Monday.
Yes, Stewart? Oh, hello, Marie.
Yes, Stewart, go ahead.
Marie, listen I have a question for you.
The answer, I'm sure, is no, Stewart.
Will that be all? Uhhh, yes, but no.
It's not about me Uhhh It's uhh errr it's about us.
As in, OmniCorp Worldwide us? No, us as in me and you boyfriend girlfriend.
I'd like you to be asked out on a date by me.
- Stewart? - Mm-hmm? I'm flabbergasted.
That's unexpected.
But I must admit, it's flattering.
Why don't we meet at O'Flaherty's after work, - take it for a test run? - A test run? Run it up the flagpole, see who salutes.
- I will salute! - Fantastic.
You are the president of my heart.
Okay.
Are you gonna meet me at the bar? I'll wear a sweater so you know which one I am.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
- Are you okay, Stu? You having a heart attack? No no no.
I might be.
She said yes, Tim.
- Marie said yes? - Marie said yes.
Marie said yes.
- We're going - You're going on a date? - We're going on a date.
- Lie down, Stu.
Oh, why are the walls so small in here? - You're going on a date? - Oh, Tim, if you don't No one's ever said yes to me.
Tim, you gotta go with me.
Go with no.
Dates are for two people.
Just for like 10 minutes, just to listen- just to break the ice.
Don't speak, Stu.
Stu, don't speak.
I'll go with you.
I'll go for five minutes to get the ball rolling.
There's like this taste of battery acid in my mouth.
That's a strange reaction to a woman saying yes.
I have to say, Stewart, I don't get propositioned by many of the young men at the firm.
They must not appreciate your shrill, abrasive yelling like I do.
- Tim! - Hey, Stu and Marie.
- What a coincidence.
- Casual to see you here, Tim.
Oh, we have an elaborate plan here, don't we? - What? - Just happened to be traveling by, huh? All right.
I just thought I'd say hi.
How's the date going? It was scintillating, but now that you're here, Tim, I think it puts an added value bonus on it.
What is that supposed to mean? - Tim.
- Yeah? I think we all know why you're here.
We do? Look, I have to say I love the idea of a threesome.
- What? - Oh boy.
What? What did you say? I'm talking about the three of us having wild sex in my studio apartment with my cats and my fake plants.
That was the strangest sentence I've ever heard.
- The answer is yes.
- I'm gonna get out of here.
- You guys have fun - No! - Enjoy the date - No! - Well, l - No! I feel silly, as though I've misread the signs.
- No, you haven't.
You have not - She did.
You are right on the money, Marie.
She misread them a little bit.
Ring ring ring! Oh, I think your cell phone is ringing in the bathroom.
Let's go take the call, Tim.
Do not blow this for me.
I have to blow it for you.
I'm not having a threesome - with you and the HR lady.
- Why not? That trio will never be naked together.
- Come on.
- No.
It's just like we used to talk about in high school.
We didn't go to high school together.
Tim, just go to her apartment with me, okay? - No.
- And before anything happens, you pretend to get an emergency call Amy's dead, whatever you want to say and you cut out.
And then I make sweet, dirty sex - to Marie.
- This plan is not strong.
Tim, I haven't been naked with a woman since I took baths with my mom.
Fine.
I'll go for five minutes and then I'm leaving.
Thank you, Tim.
You will not regret this.
I already regret it.
Stu Stu's gonna get it wet tonight.
Get me out of here.
# Tim and Stu # # And Marie the HR lady # # Gonna get naked and do the Funky Stu # - Wow.
- # Stu # # Beef Stu # # Tim and Beef Stu.
# - Why am I here? - Okay, boys, how about a little music to put you in the mood? Yeah, something sexy.
Read my mind.
That is not good threesome music.
Tim, remove your shirt now.
What kind of way is that to start a threesome? Come on, shirtless guys.
No no.
Oh no! What's this? I don't believe this.
I have to leave.
- I have to leave the threesome - Tim and go home.
I got an emergency email.
This is disappointing.
- Tim, your phone is off.
- I have to go to Tim, I'm just going to keep your phone over here.
It's contraband for now.
Get comfy.
That emergency thing did not work.
- Sorry about that.
- That plan was not well executed.
I promise I'm gonna do what I can to get you out of here.
Thank you.
Do you gentlemen mind if I videotape this? Not at all.
Start filming now.
- Tim, take your shirt off.
- No.
- Let's do this.
- What just happened? All right, Stewart, say something dirty.
Tell me what you'd like me to do to you.
Oh, gosh, uh, so many things I want to, you know, bang you, for starters.
That's great.
If you could identify yourself first, tell me the date, the time, your employee I.
D.
Number.
- Why? - It just turns me on, Tim.
Shh shh shh shh shh.
My name is Stu, employee number 17263.
It's 10:00 P.
M.
And I am here with the intention of totally boning the human resources director at OmniCorp.
That is not good dirty talk.
- I thought that was fine indeed.
- That is not good.
Tim, if we can hear something from you now, please.
- I'm not a big dirty talker.
- No? Just skip me.
Tim, just play along.
Tim, just play along.
All right.
I'm Tim.
I'm employee 24124.
- Ooh.
- I'm here to just, uh, you know, - be intimate - Intimate? With the HR lady.
I want to hug her and kiss her.
- Can you get a little more - That's about it.
- A little more detailed? - You can do better than that, Tim.
- Just try.
- All right, fine.
Here we go.
I'm Tim, employee 24124.
- Okay, great.
- I want to nail the H.
R.
Lady.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sure! Pretty much want to stick it to her.
- Yeah! - Right? - Uh-huh.
- While Stu is naked in proximity - close proximity.
- Number 17263.
Can I leave? Can I get out of here? You can, but can I talk dirty first? - Okay.
- Yeah, it's Marie's turn.
How about if I just read from the OmniCorp employee rulebook? Oh, you weirdo.
I love it.
Great.
Section 12, Article 3A - Mmm.
"No OmniCorp employee shall engage in romantic relationships with a coworker while under the employ of Omnicorp or any of its subsidiary companies.
" - Wait.
I'm I'm - That didn't sound dirty at all.
- Tim - I don't think you're playing along - like we are.
- It's called a setup.
- You're both busted - No no.
No vacation time for a year.
- Okay.
- Oh, Stu.
I'm having some trouble processing this.
- I knew this seemed too- - Too good to be true? "Too good to be true" is a weird way to phrase it, but yeah.
All right, people, listen.
Earlier this week we asked you specifically to memorize the corporate rulebook.
But some of you have not and now we need to make an example of you.
Oh, boy.
- Rodney.
- Yeah.
Marie informs me that you were caught making copies without the proper client code.
- Moron.
- How many times, Rodney? Sorry, boss.
No excuse.
All right.
Now, Gladys, we made a rule specifically for you no toenail clipping at work.
Yet you continue to clip away.
Sorry.
It's irresponsible and unhygienic.
- Okay.
- Wow.
Gladys, you gotta follow the rules.
Is that it? No, Tim.
Interestingly enough, there seems to be one more incident worth noting.
- Uh-oh.
- Would you care to share your story with the group? Okay, I um I handed in my time sheets on Thursday instead of Wednesday.
- Really? - It's not much of a story.
I just handed it in a day late.
Marie, let's just go to the videotape.
- Rolling.
- Videotape? I'm Tim, employee 24124.
My name is Stu, employee number 17263.
Tim, take your shirt off.
Let's do this.
I want to nail the HR lady.
I want to nail the HR lady.
- Sure.
- Pretty much want to stick it to her.
- Yeah.
- Right.
I want to bang you for starters.
Bang you.
Bang you.
Bang you.
Bang you.
Hmm.
Tim, it's unbelievable.
What do you have to say for yourself? Um, I just want to say that I think that was some unnecessarily high production value.
I mean honestly, is anyone as offended as I am at how much time went into that video? That's the shocking thing here.
Ugh.
If I weren't already embarrassed about who I was, I'd be really embarrassed about who I am.
Hello, Stewart, Tim.
- Hey, Marie.
- Oh, hello, Marie.
I thought the two of you handled that slap on the wrist very well.
Thank you? And if we can keep this our little secret, I'd actually like to take you up on your offer.
Offer? The three-way offer? - The three-way offer.
- I think that's a bad idea.
Absolutely.
Let's do it, tonight, okay? Come to my place.
I will bring chips I will get lube, some Papa John's.
- I will also purchase a couch.
- Stu this was setup number two.
You're busted again.
No vacation for two years.
Stu, you really should have seen that coming.
When you live in the fast-paced world of three-ways, you never really see it coming, Tim.
Just the Hubba Bubba? Excuse me? Just the Hubba Bubba? I can't understand what you're saying to me.
- Just the gum? - The gum, yeah, that's all.
Excuse me.
When's Valentine's Day? - Valentine's Day's today.
- Today? - Almost over.
- Don't say that.
- No? - No.
Do you have any gifts? Any candy? - All out.
- You got any cards? - All out.
- Give me something.
You got flowers? - All out.
- You're out of flowers? - Check with Serge.
- Where's Serge? Go outside.
Serge? - Yes, my friend? - You're Serge? - Yes.
- I need flowers.
- Oh.
Valentine's Day flowers? - Yeah.
- Very late in the day.
- I know.
I just need something.
- I know it's late.
- How much you have? - Six bucks.
- Six Six bucks.
- Roses? - I can set you up with a fern.
- A fern.
- A fern or a cactus.
- Fern or cactus? - That's what I have fern - That's not even flowers.
cactus.
That's it.
- What would you like? - Neither.
Cactus.
I'm winking at you.
- Yeah - Go with cactus.
Go with cactus? Is that more romantic? Oh, it's very romantic.
Look at it.
- It looks awful.
- No no no.
Nothing says, "I want to poke you" like a cactus.
You think that's what that communicates? - Nothing says - I guess so.
"I want to stick it to you forever, hard" better than a cactus.
- Never thought of it that way.
- Yes.
Okay, wrap it up.
- "I wish to poke you.
" - "I want to poke you like a cactus.
" Amy, I have a little surprise.
You do? How fun! It's Valentine's Day, the holiday which I remembered.
- Voila! - Oh.
Flowers.
Um, Tim, That's a cactus.
No, I got it at the flower shop.
Yeah, but it's a cactus.
No, it's a flower.
It's a flower of the desert.
- Um - Here, smell it.
- It smells beautiful.
- Ouch! - Ouch? - Son of a bitch! - Son of a bitch? - Jesus, am I bleeding? - What kind of language is that? - That really hurt! - Give me a kiss.
- No, I think I'm bleeding.
Look! No one's bleeding.
There's no blood, only romance.
- That really hurt.
- Let's just put the cactus away.
You know what? Just put it away.
It was a nice gesture.
You gotta admit that.
So what are our dinner plans? The dinner plans - Valentine's Day dinner.
are to go to yeah yeah.
The plans are to go to a nice Italian restaurant.
- Oh.
Okay.
- I can get us in.
- That sounds great.
- I'll get us in no problem.
Wow, this is so authentic.
Red, all the red.
- Feels like we're in Italy.
- You're joking, right? What are you talking about? This is what Italy is like.
Hey, would you shut up and just make the fucking calzones? - This is not Italy.
- This is not? Tim, I know you're on a budget, but couldn't we have gone to a real restaurant? - This is a real restaurant.
- It is not, Tim.
- We paid for food.
- This is a to-go pizza place.
I can't believe that you brought me here.
Amy, just because I come here on my lunch break four out of five days of the week does not make this night any less magical.
- Yes it does.
- Why? All I see is you.
I look into your eyes.
I don't look into the eyes of the bum picking the crust off the floor.
I'm looking at my girl.
- Sir? - Yeah? - Excuse me.
- Yeah? We're having a Valentine's Day dinner here.
- Oh, happy Valentine's.
- Thank you.
But this isn't a restaurant, really.
- What is it? - It's a pizza place, man.
What are you talking about? You serve bread and salad.
Yes, but if you need to go to the bathroom, you have to get a key.
- You have to get a key? - See the key attached - to the plastic sausage? - That's men's? That's the men's room.
It's not classy, I'll give you that, but come on.
If there's metal silverware, I think that puts it over the edge.
That's a restaurant.
Okay, you're close, but wrong.
- I feel like everyone's going crazy.
- No, wait a minute.
If your food's served on a brown tray that can be stacked above the garbage, it's not a restaurant.
Good point, actually.
- Ew! - What happened? He's mopping over my feet! Gross! - What are you doing? - I'm mopping over her feet.
- Why are you doing that? - 'Cause it's gross and it wouldn't happen in a restaurant and I'm proving my point.
- I'm leaving.
- No, no.
We're having a nice dinner.
Amy, where are you going? If you're going to the bathroom, you need a key.
I think the meatball is the women's room.
Well, if it isn't my favorite customer! - Oh, Debbie.
- Hey, you look down.
I kind of messed up.
Valentine's Day was not a big hit.
What did you get your girlfriend? This year I went for a cactus - Oh.
and a slice - a slice of pizza.
- That's awful, boy! Even I had a better Valentine's Day than that, and I was giving some homeless gentleman a $10 BJ on the subway.
Not a bad Valentine's Day.
What you've got to do is buy something nice for your lady-friend.
I can't afford something nice.
Okay, how much money do you have? I got like three bucks.
I know a place.
Let's go.
Larry's Bras and Hooker Outfits? Isn't that nice? This is where I got these pants.
They work on you, but I can't get those for Amy.
Thank you for the compliment.
She has a dress code at her office.
Oh, so no assless pants? You gotta cover that rear end.
Oh, like in church.
Yeah.
At all times, cover it up.
Well, they have many other things here.
- Yeah? - Yes.
It's much like a Nordstrom's, Timmy, but without the piano player.
I guess they don't need the piano player.
Who the hell does? - Can I get some help here? - Yeah, sure.
'Sup? - I need lingerie for my girlfriend.
- Sweet.
What's her boob size? Sweet uh, her boob size is like a medium.
- Medium? - Medium boobs.
- Medium boobs? - Yeah.
What are you, 12 years old? Give me letters and numbers.
- I'm a grown man.
- 32B, 32C, what is she? Can I give you, like, fruit? Can I squeeze the air and tell you it's What kind of fruit-size boobs does your girlfriend have? - Oranges? - Oranges.
Grapefruit, maybe? Orange or grapefruit? Those are totally different, dude.
How about sweet potatoes? Do vegetables count? - No.
- They don't count? - No.
- Why? - I don't do them that way.
- You don't do them that way? - No.
- Can you adjust? I have my system.
I've been doing this a long time.
What are yours? What are those what do you got there? Mmm, Bartlett pear.
Those are not that's bigger than a Bartlett pear! I've had a pear before.
Well, do you get them in a box around the holidays? - Yeah.
- That's about right.
Listen, dude, you gotta get me a size, all right? Just go and take a picture of your girlfriend's rack and I can figure it out from there.
- Take a picture? - Yeah, you know, maybe like if she's on all fours, on some sort of rug, that's rad.
That'll help me, 'cause the way they hang, it helps me - I can't promise I can - Just pull it off incognito.
Is this a good idea? I think that's a tremendous idea.
- That's a tremendous idea? - Oh, yes.
- All right.
- Let's go now.
Hey, Tim, can you grab me a towel from the rack? Okay, one second.
Why don't you stand up? I'll hand it to you.
Lean some more.
- Okay.
- Turn to the light.
I can't there we go.
What are you doing? What do you mean? I took a picture of your rack.
I said hand me a towel off the rack.
Oh! That makes a lot more sense.
Yeah, you think? - You don't want the photo, then? - No! All right, my mistake.
Hey, I'm back.
Got the stuff? The stuff? I got the photo.
- Yeah.
- I feel weird showing it to you.
Dude, I see this stuff so often it doesn't even affect me anymore.
I'm like a doctor.
I'm like a boob doctor.
You're like a boob doctor.
Okay.
- Here's the photo.
- Let's take a look.
Yowza! Who-ho-ho! Doctors don't say "Yowza.
" Those are nice.
Doctors don't say "Yowza.
" Hold on, let me see.
She's about a 32B.
- Okay.
- I got something perfect for her.
Hold on.
I'll be right back.
Dr.
Larry.
- How about this? - That's a little strange.
She's gonna love it! If she's onstage she can swing them around, get the crowd all riled up.
No, this is just more for support, isn't it? She doesn't need to swing anything.
Trust me, she's gonna want to swing 'em.
She's not gonna want to swing 'em.
- With those? - You've never met Amy.
- The ones I saw in that picture? - She's not gonna want - to swing them.
- She's gonna want to swing 'em.
Every girl at heart wants to swing them.
I guess you'd know better.
Hey, who runs a bra store? - You Larry does.
- Yep.
Fair enough.
Wrap it up.
All right.
Good call, my man.
- Can I get that photo? - Oh, let me get it out of the scanner.
The scanner? I felt so bad about the pizza debacle and that cactus making your face bleed, I got you something special.
You didn't have to do that, Tim.
Well, I did.
Whoa! "Whoa" you love it, or "whoa" What is this? It's a bra.
It's for your boobs.
- What do I do with these? - You can swing them.
Kind of like a stripper? No, like a nice normal girl swinging her boobs in the air.
- Um - You're gonna like it.
It's fun.
It's something to do.
Maybe I can just exchange it.
Where'd you buy it? I don't even remember the name.
Oh, well, here it says "Larry's Bras and Hooker Outfits"? - That's not the right receipt.
- What? That's not where I bought it.
Is this where you bought my present? Hold that thought.
We got visitors.
Oh, hey, Bashko.
Hello, Tim.
Is Amy inside? - There she is.
- Hi.
Amy-yyyyyyy! May my friend come in? Thank you.
Amy, we wanted to congratulate you.
- On what? - On being on the internet.
On the internet? - Miss February.
- You are standing in the bathtub, naked, wet.
What are you talking about? Go to the internet and it's on "Larry Lovely" - "Wet Ladies" - "Wet Ladies" dot-com.
- Larry's? Tim, are you hearing this? - I am.
It's a little - A picture of me getting out of the bathtub on some porn website? - Yeah.
- What do you have to say, Tim? I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but congratulations? Okay, Amy, let's just put it all behind us.
We're at a real restaurant now, I got you removed from the porn site, and we're gonna go exchange your gift.
It's all good? This is nice, Tim.
- That's good.
- This is really nice.
- Hey! - Woops, there's Debbie.
- Hey! - Oh, there's wow.
- Isn't it my favorite couple? - It is.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just tend to walk around.
Hello, Amy.
Hi, Debbie.
Tell me, sweetheart, how do you like your gift? Honestly, it's not me.
Well, did you try it on? At least try it on.
I am not trying this on here.
Amy, try it on.
Come on.
Just slip it on.
Slip it on real quick.
I'm not putting it on.
Well, I will put it on for Amy.
There you go.
Okay, Debbie's putting it on.
She's putting it on.
Wow.
How's that? That is surprisingly tasteful.
- Mm! - It's great.
- I think it's a keeper.
- Wow! - Happy ending.
- You can really swing these! This is really something! That really is well made.
Why is Amy blushing? - I can't imagine why.
- It's great, Tim.
Happy Valentine's Day.