The Madame Blanc Mysteries (2021) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
The importance of relics
in the Catholic Church is paramount.
They have received the divine
blessing of God himself,
allowing the particular
saint to hear and watch
over the faithful masses.
What have you dragged me here for?
I'm a bit sketchy on relics.
What's in the box?
A relic. Oh.
It's the remains of a Pope's heart.
Oh, God!
AndSorry.
..as the great
Hans Urs von Balthasar said,
"What you are is God's gift to you,
"and what you become is your gift."
"To God"
I beg your pardon?
"What you become
is your gift to God."
Thank you for correcting me, Father.
And thank you all
for coming, everyone.
Home, please. Yeah. Yeah.
IN FRENCH:
It's from both of us.
IN FRENCH:
SHOUTING CONTINUES
SHOUTING CONTINUES
DELIVERY MAN SPEAKS FRENCH
SHOUTING CEASES
THEY GASP
# Do you remember the first time
# That my eyes set on you?
# Your smile came from nowhere
# For sometime never,
or sometime soon
# The road is a long one
# I was only passing through
# I was only passing through. #
I'll tell you what I don't
understand about the church.
They're always skint, aren't they?
Eh.Well, every time I went
to church when I was a kid,
they're always banging
on about the roof leaking
or the graveyard caving in.
Well, it must take a lot of money to
maintain such beautiful buildings.
Did you see the amount of cash
going into that collection box?
I can't see anything
wrong with that church,
looks absolutely fine to me.
Blimey, Dom, I didn't
know you felt so strongly
about church maintenance.
Is it because they've
never actually asked you
to do any work for
them by any chance?
No, I'm just saying if
they're that hard up,
why don't you just sell
a few candlesticks, or?
Well, it's all
about faith, isn't it?
Well, you got to have faith.
If you start singing George Michael,
I'm going to hurt you.
MUMBLING:He's dead.
Father Donadieu is dead.
Please, help.
So, let's go over this again.
Of course.
We were taking delivery of
the candles in the vestibule,
and we realised that Farther
Donadieu had stopped shouting.
And then we saw him.
It was awful.
And the Sacred Heart was gone.
He was shouting?
Father Donadieu could
be very impassioned.
And the door was still bolted?
No, no, we only opened
the door to get some help.
Hey, couldn't have been more than
ten minutes before Father Durand
came over for help - to the pub.
I mean, I'd not even
been served my drink.
And what time was this delivery?
It was 5:20pm, straight
after the truck.
It always is.
Our delivery man will confirm.
Madam White, do you
know the approximate value
of the stolen goods?
Well, I'm not an
expert in relics, but, uh,
priceless in its spiritual value.
Would it be easy to sell?
Oh, there's always a
buyer for the priceless.
But if someone wanted to sell
such a thing, where would they go?
Uh, I really don't know.
It's so specific, and
Actually, I might know someone
who could help us. Excuse me.
Hi, Dom.
Fancy going on a pilgrimage?
Lourdes?
Well, I'm just going there
to look up an old friend.
Rather you than me.
It's too touristy.
DOOR OPENS
Sorry, we're not open yet.
My boy! Mommy!
THEY CHUCKLE
Mum, this is Dom and Gene.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, lovely to meet you.
Right, we best be off, then.Yeah.
Where are you off to, dear? Lourdes.
Oh, another child of the Lourdes!
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, yes! Oh!
Oh! Oh.
Celine, I don't suppose
you have a clean room
ready for me, do you, dear?
I didn't know you were coming.
Never mind.
You look exhausted.
I'll clean it myself.
And when I come back, I'll have
a pint of the black stuff, son.
How much food did you order?
Just asked Celine to
do us a packed lunch.
We're only driving half an hour.
Ah, I don't believe it.What?
Food of the gods.
HE CHUCKLES
Well, yeah, we are going to Lourdes.
Oh, Celine asked me a while back
what food I missed from England,
and this was on me list.
She must've got some in, bless her.
Whoa, whoa, hang on.
Of all the things
you could have said,
pork pie with egg, top of your list?
It's not top of my list.What's top?
Baby's head.
Babwhat is baby's head?
Baby's head!
You know, steak and
kidney suet pudding.
A Northern chip shop classic.
So-called because It's as
smooth baby'sBaby's head!
OK! Exactly!
I make a cracking baby's head.
I could give Gordon Ramsay
a run for his money.
Is that a threat or a fantasy?
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh.
All right, then, prove it.
What?
You can cook me dinner.
All right, then.
I'll cook you baby's
head, chips, peas
And gravy, you can't have
baby's head without gravy.
All right! I knew you knew!
Of course I knew!
I went in our chip shop that
often they used to give me
a free calendar at Christmas.
SHE LAUGHS
Did they now?
Oh, I can't believe that.
I mean, how many nuns do you need?
Depends on what you've
been up to my, child.
It's all right, Karen. You can drop
the French accent, he's with me.
Jean! Ah!How are ya?
I'm all right. This is Dom.
All right, Dom. Are you a sinner?
Uh, I've had me moments, yeah.
Let's get that kettle
on and have a ciggie.
Come on.
I washed all those
glasses last night,
and she just washed them all again.
Look, I had no idea
she was coming, love.
Anyway, I know
exactly why she's here.
She just wants to cause trouble.
You know she's been so lonely
since my dad died, Celine.
You know, they did everything
together for 45 years.
Maybe that's why she's here,
to see her only son,
eat with the only family
she has left in the world.
Did you ever think it
could be that?I'm sorry.
It's just It's just
you never give her a chance.
Over here, son!
I'll have another Guinness
when you're ready, son.
I hope you're not gambling, Ma.
Gambling? No, no, son.
This is just a little
friendly culture exchange.
I'm teaching them
how to play cribbage,
and they're going to
teach me how to play bull.
Can I smell a bit of bull?
SHE LAUGHS
He's a funny man, my son.
I mean it, Ma.
We're not licensed for gambling.
Trust me, son, it's
just a little friendly.
OK.And if you found yourself
adding a wee tot of whiskey
as a chaser for your ole ma,
she'd be very grateful.
All right, gentlemen.
50 euro each in the kitschy,
twice round the board.
And I told her I buy curios
THEY CHUCKLE
..and she thought
I was coming on to her.
THEY LAUGH
So how long were you a nun for?
Hey, I still am a nun.
I don't wear this to
keep my head warm.
Praying and all that was all
right for the first few years,
but I needed more, you know,
to keep my faith shining bright.
So she decided to
become one of the world's
leading experts in
religious art.Like you do.
Hey, love, I heard about Rory.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
So, to what do I owe the honour?
Right.
Can you shed any light?
The Sacred Heart or
the heart of Pope Pius VI?
That box is a little
bit small for a heart.
Oh, no. It was only the remains
of his heart in the box.
Uh, mingin'.
What was the history?
In 1791, Pope Pius VI rejected the
Constitution civile du clerge.
What's that?Well, the
New Republic, not the Vatican,
were now in charge of
the Catholic Church in France.
But Pius wasn't having any of it,
so he suspended any
priest who accepted it.
Brave.Yeah, very.
It was only seven
years later in 1798
that the French took control of Rome
and declared it the Roman Republic.
When Pius refused to
submit to the conquerors,
they dragged him back to France.
But he was getting on a bit,
and, of course, he didn't make it.
He croaked on the way back.
Blimey.
He was buried without ceremony
in a non consecrated grave,
and his heart stayed in France.
You're very good with your dates.
Ah, a nun with
a photographic memory.
I should be in a circus.
So the Sacred Heart was stolen
from the Church of the Virgin Mary
in San Victoire yesterday.
But it's priceless,
spiritually and financially.
That's exactly what I said.
If someone was trying to
get rid of it for money,
where would they go, Karen?
I don't even know how
you would get rid of it. Mm.
There's only one
dealer I can think of
who might chance their
arm with something like this.
Oh, who?
Vivienne Dumonet.
Do you know where I can find her?
Here.
Careful, though, love,
she has quite the reputation.
Oh. Thank you, Karen.
Can I use your loo before I go?
Yeah, of course you can.
It's right through there.
Come on, then. What?Who's he?!
Dom?No, St Francis of Assisi.
He's just a mate.
Hm, he makes you sparkle.
He does not.
He is hot.
Are nun's even supposed to say that?
No, probably not.
But religious art experts can.
You are allowed a life, you know.
SHE SIGHS
It's too soon for me, Karen.
He's been so lovely.
I'm really going to miss him.
I've not had a friend
like that for a long time.
HE CLEARS THROA
Aw Yes!
Sorry, Peter. Uh-huh.
It's a sea of glasses out there.
You were playing cribbage?
Well, that's well observed by
a man so young as yourself.
Do you play?
How much is at stake?
SHE LAUGHS
Well, that's very kind of you, young
man, but I'll buy my own drink,
thank you.
Next game is 50 euro stake,
twice around the board.
Take a seat.
WHISPERS: Don't touch anything.
Oh, hello, um
A friend of mine said you might
be able to help me.With?
I'm looking for a religious item.
You have come to the right place.
It's very valuable.
I deal in the finest antiques
and icons, not cheap souvenirs,
Madame, quality surrounds you.
Hm, yes, I can see that.
But this is, um, priceless,
and it'smissing.
You mean the Sacred Heart
of Pope Pius VI, yes?
How do you know?
Anyone who knows
the reliquaries knows.
I only wish it had
come through here.
I could have got rid of
it in five minutes.
Oh!Oh!
What have you done?!
That is finest Capodimonte!
Oh, no, it's not
a Capodimonte, is it ?
Come on.
You owe me 1,500 euro!
Oh, I don't think so, love.
You and I know that's just a
piece of mass-produced pottery.
Here.
Have ten euros for your trouble.
Keep the change.
What did I say?
Seen something you like? What?
Wait a minute.
I saw him in the church with
Father Donadieu.
SHE GASPS SOFTLY
Follow that car.Ah, brilliant!
I have always wanted
somebody to say that to me.
HORN HONKS
THEY SPEAK FRENCH SOFTLY
They're a good looking
couple, make no mistake.
Yeah, this is true.
Got a real sense of style,
haven't they?
What, them two?
You've only just seen them.
No, I mean the French in general.
Yeah.
You know, when I first came here,
I tried to copy the look.
Went to the same shops,
bought the same clothes.
Did I nail it? Nah.
Think I've just got
a very British head.
You always look great to me.
Oh, thanks.
Um, I'll have a ham and
cheese baguette, please.
Yeah.
IN FRENCH:
Madame?
Don't go with your mouth full.
What's gone on there?
I'm going to take a
little look round the church.
Lunch on me, if you'll have
a look at that leaky pump
you keep promising you'll fix.
It's all right.
I'll see you in a bit.
HE TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL
SHE KNOCKS
You don't want to go down
there, that's the crypt!
No-one's been down there for years.
Oh, sorry.
Can I help you?
Yes, I was come to see
you and your mom, actually.
Mama, you remember Madam
White from the night of the
Oh, hello again.
I justI just wondered
how you were both doing.
We're OK.
Of course, it has been
so horrific and shocking
that my sleep has not been good.
He hasn't got a wink. Bless him.
I hope you don't mind me asking,
the gentleman that came into the
church before, I recognise him.
Oh, you mean Sacha Ruse?
He came over to sign
the papers on the field
he has purchased from the church.
Is he a builder?Yes, he is.
He's been wanting to buy
the field for many years.
But Father Donadieu was not keen
and kept it stringing along.
Is that because it was consecrated?
No, because that's the
kind of tyrant he was.
Mama, no.
You cannot speak of
the dead like that,
especially within these walls!
Father Donadieu was a man of faith
in the face of his congregation.
Behind closed doors,
he was a very different man.
It could be very difficult,
especially with
those closest to him,
and my mother has worked
for him since she was 15.
Oh, we've all had tough bosses.
Exactly.
I think I know who
murdered Father Donadieu.
For sure?
The evidence is pretty solid.OK.
Sacha Ruse.
Monsieur Ruse?
Uh, are you sure?
What is your evidence?
His girlfriend is the
only person around here
who could get rid of a relic.
Father Donadieu refused
to sell him a piece of land
that he really wanted,
but just after the murder,
he buys the same piece
of land off Father Durand.
It's got to be Sacha Ruse!
What piece of land?
Oh, it's at the back of the church.
It's not consecrated or anything,
but you've got to
admit the timing's fast.
No, Jean, this is
all circumstantial.
And how would he get
back through a bolted door?
Well, I don't know, Caron,
but somebody is dead
and everything is pointing to him.
Monsieur Ruse is a very important
member of the community,
a magistrate,
and incredibly charitable.
If you are wrong, the
ripple effect will be huge.
But what if I'm right?
Hasn't your community
got a right to know
that it's living with a murderer?
We should at least question him.
IN FRENCH:
your antiques, Jean White?
I do.
Can I ask you a few questions?
All right, of course.
It has come to my knowledge
that you have recently bought
the piece of land behind the church.
Yes.
And you've been trying to get
your hands on that land for ages.
Yeah, yes.
But Father Donadieu did not
want me to develop the land,
even though it was not consecrated.
And you're currently
dating an expert
in religious icons and antiques?
Oui.
And what business is that of yours?
Monsieur Ruse,
forgive my directness,
but it is a bit of a coincidence
that a religious
relic has been stolen,
you have a girlfriend that
could get rid of it for you,
and the only person
standing in the way
of a big development got murdered.
HE CHUCKLES
And you're being serious?
The circumstantial
evidence is strong, Monsieur.
Mm-hm.
Are you areligious woman,
Madame White?
Um
..well, I would say I was
spiritual more than religious.
Mm, but you were
raised with religion?
You grew up with it?
Roman Catholic.
Well, I am a committed atheist.
HE CHUCKLES
And, you know, one of the
reasons why I am an atheist,
when my mother was
just three years old
..she was ripped away from
her mother by the church.
No reason other than she was
unmarried and struggling.
Her child torn away.
My grandmother committed suicide,
rather than live with the
grief of losing her daughter.
And, you know, the judge did?
They threw her into a pauper's pit.
No burial, no grave.
The shame my mother had to grow up
with coloured her entire life.
That is why I wanted to buy the
land in the back of the church.
That land is the very pauper's
pit in which my grandmother lies.
Oh.Oui.
I want to turn it into a place for
people who need help. Hm?
A sort of sanctuary,
in my grandmother's honour.
But Father Donadieu was
not in favour of the idea,
as it would bring
shame on the church.
HE LAUGHS DRYLY
Oh, and as for stealing
the remains of a heart
that might have
belonged to the Pope
..you will not be surprised to know
that doesn't interest me at all.
Monsieur Ruse,
can I ask where you went
after leaving the church that night?
Mm.
Madame Dumonet and
I dined at La Salle Nuit.
The restaurant was packed.
Maybe you should have
asked me that first.
Please accept my sincere apologies.
Jean, how could you do that to me?!
I've never been so humiliated!
The evidence was so compelling,
I was sure it was him.
I will never live this
down in this village.
I'm sorry.Not to mention my wife!
Your wife?
She is a member of the same art
committee as Vivienne Dumonet.
She will never let
me live this down!
Well, just explain to her
that it was all my fault.
You don't know my wife!
Caron, you can't make me feel
any worse than I already do.
PHONE PINGS
What's wrong?
There has been another stabbing.
IN FRENCH:
Yes, but he's a local drug
dealer, so it's probably unrelated.
Oh, it was awful.
I don't think I'm cut out
for this police stuff.
There's so much blood.
Happened to me once.
What, you witnessed a murder scene?
No, a really about shaving cut.
There was blood all over the place,
I nearly fainted.
And Caron's still
not speaking to me.
Oh, love.
I'll see you both later.
See you.
That's why I stopped shaving.
Xav's gambling, over there!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Glo.
My Ma told me it
was just a friendly.
Come on, Gloria.
What the hell do you
think you are doing?!
Mama?You could get to
shut down, you stupid woman!
Hey, there's no need for
that, Celine. No, there isn't!/font
And how dare you
speak to me like that?
We don't have a licence to gamble.
Well, you should get one!
There's a reason why
we don't "get one"!
Do you have a criminal record?
I don't have a criminal record,
but if you don't get out of
my face, I soon will have.
Please, everyone!
I'm the reason why they
don't have a licence.
I'm a recovering addict.
Well, we're not doing drugs, son.
Besides, you won the kitschy twice.
Not drugs, gambling.
I'm supposed to be in recovery.
I'm sorry, Mum.
Can we go home now?
Thanks Celine
..for trying.
You always have to
look at the parents
to see why the child
behaves so badly.
I think you know
what you need to do.
Take no notice, son.
This whole PC thing
has got way out of hand.
You should've seen his face, Dom.
I've never seen anyone so upset,
especially someone like Caron.
I feel awful.
SHE SIGHS
And he mentioned his wife?
Yeah.
It's the first time he's mentioned
her to me, thinking about it.
Well, that'll be it, then.
What do you mean?Uh
How do I put it?
Have you ever seen
Caron out of uniform?
Ever seen him relax or have dinner?
Weirdly, no.No.
He hates to go home,
he just stays at work.
Because of his wife?Yeah.
A few times he mentioned it to me,
he just said he and his
wife do not get on. Oh.
I mean, the only time
I saw them together,
they were sniping all night,
it was exhausting.
Why don't they just split up?
Who knows?
I just know that that kind
of thing would drive me insane.
Gosh, even so,
he's such a lovely man.
I wish I could make it up to him.
BELL RINGS
You fancy a prayer service?Really?
Oh, come on, please.
Justjust give me one more look.
A prayer service? I don't
know what to do, all the
Just do what I do.
Come on, it'll be fine.
PRIEST SPEAKS FRENCH
THEY SING IN FRENCH
OFF TEMPO SINGING
PRIEST CONTINUES IN FRENCH
THINKING: Different curtains.
WHISPERS: Mother and son.
Uh!
WHISPERS:What?! Dom, stay in
your seat after the service.
What? It's bad enough being
here in the first place,
never mind staying
longer than we have to.
Please, Dom?
All right. All right.
Oof, you got me skin then. Sorry.
PRIEST SPEAKS FRENCH
BELL RINGS
Oh, that was a
lovely service, father.
Thank you. You must be
very proud of your son.
I am, especially since he
gets to lead the service.
Oh, did Father Donadieu not
let you lead the service?
Never. Father Donadieu was, shall we
say, a little bit possessive.
Oh, Monsieur Ruse said that Father
Donadieu was also very possessive
about the land at the
back of the church.
Father Donadieu said it was
the property of the church,
but I thought selling the land could
create something for the community.
Oh.
So it's quite useful
that, um, Father Donadieu
is not here any more.
What are you insinuating?
Just that life's a little
bit better for everyone.
Are you accusing me
of murder in God's house?
No, Father.
Not you.
Madame White, how dare you?!
When I first came into the church
after Father Donadieu
had been murdered,
I couldn't see why the
confessional box seemed strange.
But tonight, I worked it out.
It's out of place, only slightly.
But it's not quite
where it should be.
Would you like to
tell us why, Paulette?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Should I refresh your memory?
This is absolute nonsense.
Had a little bit of
help, didn't you?
This is how I see it.
As we left the church that night,
your drug dealer friends
sneaked off and hid in
the confessional box.
As Father Donadieu came
back into the church,
your young friend
came out of the box
and stabbed him in the
back with a crucifix
..and quickly returned,
picking up the relic on the way.
You then sent Durand for help
to the pub across the square.
And while he was gone, you both
slid the confessional box across,
revealing a secret door?
Which I assume leads to the crypt.
After he made his escape,
you tried to put the confessional
box back into the right place.
But, well, in your efforts,
you left a tilted
station of the cross.
Can you give me a hand?Yeah.
Only a girl who's
worked here all her life
would know where a secret door was.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, my darling.
HE INHALES SHARPLY
How did you know?
I saw you going in the
crypt door one morning.
I assumed it was the side door
until I came to visit you.
I'd been at the receiving
end of that monster's wrath
most of my working life.
I was determined my son
wouldn't go through the same.
I dreamt about murdering him,
what silencing him would sound like.
But you murdered twice, didn't you?
What?The boy!
What boy? Come on,
the boy, Paulette.
He was killed with shears!
Your sewing shears!
He was blackmailing me.
I paid him well, he wanted more.
I spent all my savings.
So, what happened
to the Sacred Heart?
Oh, well, that was used
just for a motive for murder.
Never left, did it, Paulette?
you would never sell a holy relic,
good Catholic girl like you.
No, you made new
curtains to hide it.
Mama?
How
The curtains on the leaflet
are a different colour.
And when I was in the vestry,
I noticed the thread in your
sewing machine was crimson.
CARON:I got your text.
This better be good, Jean.
Let's give them a minute.
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS
So, you still going to
cook me baby's head, then?
I'm not one to renege on a promise.
I don't want tinned peas, mind.
I want them soaked overnight.
Oh, do you now?In a hairnet.
A hairnet?Yeah.
Like me gran used to do.
Do I look like the kind
of woman who wears a hair net?
I refuse to answer that
question on the grounds of fear.
SHE CHUCKLES
Just turn up at
mine at seven o'clock.
Would it excite you if I told you
that I've got a couple of bottles of
Dandelion and Burdock to bring over.
Now that excites me more than
you could possibly imagine.
Hiya, Love. Hello, love.
How's Xav?I've just come back
from one of his meetings.
You're such a lovely mum.
Oh, Celine, I'm so sorry
for kicking off yesterday.
Oh, kicking off?
You were positively graceful.
You have absolutely
nothing to apologise for.
We promised you that there
would be no gambling in here.
It's us who should
be apologising to you.
Wasn't your fault.
Maybe not,
but it was the fault of her.
SHE SIGHS
I know she's my mother-in-law,
but I cannot stand her.
This one actually told me
that I couldn't possibly be
a real woman because
I hadn't had a child.
THEY GASP
I can't believe the
outright cheek of her!
I told her I didn't want her here,
straight away, but
she just ignores me.
How about Niall?
Him?!
He resorts to being a
12-year-old boy. Bless him.
She smothers him as a mother,
and she guilt trips him on religion.
Ugh, for a few hours off
There she is, a child of God!
How was your trip to Lourdes?
Oh, um, great, great.
Sister, I got your message,
what's so urgent?!
Jean, there's something
I have to tell you,
and it just couldn't wait.
I must ask you all for your
complete confidentiality.
What I'm about to say
might just change the world.
Of course. Yeah, yeah.
At seven o'clock last night,
Sister Bernadette saw the
face of our lady
in a croque monsieur in
a cafe in Lourdes.
Now, please, don't
mention this to anyone.
But there is every chance
that the croque monsieur
will cry at any minute,
and the Cafe de Royal will
become a place of pilgrimage.
THEY LAUGH
Remember, son, you're
the man of the house.
Don't go letting her
walk all over you.
She's a beautiful woman, Ma.
Maybe to you.
Here, take care of yourself.
See you soon.
And get that
gambling license sorted!
And I told her I buy curios,
and she thought I
was coming on to her!
THEY LAUGH
I don't know how to thank you.
You can start with
another Rum and Black.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, excuse me.
Hi, Barbara.
Cash buyer?
Oh, so, when can they view again?
Tomorrow?
Oh, Barbara, that'sthat's great.
Third time lucky, eh?
Yeah, bye.
Cash buyer, that's brilliant news.
The sooner I sell that cottage,
the sooner I'm on my way home.
Celine, fill me up.
We're all celebrating.
Oh, OK! Hey, hey!
Cheers! Cheers!
in the Catholic Church is paramount.
They have received the divine
blessing of God himself,
allowing the particular
saint to hear and watch
over the faithful masses.
What have you dragged me here for?
I'm a bit sketchy on relics.
What's in the box?
A relic. Oh.
It's the remains of a Pope's heart.
Oh, God!
AndSorry.
..as the great
Hans Urs von Balthasar said,
"What you are is God's gift to you,
"and what you become is your gift."
"To God"
I beg your pardon?
"What you become
is your gift to God."
Thank you for correcting me, Father.
And thank you all
for coming, everyone.
Home, please. Yeah. Yeah.
IN FRENCH:
It's from both of us.
IN FRENCH:
SHOUTING CONTINUES
SHOUTING CONTINUES
DELIVERY MAN SPEAKS FRENCH
SHOUTING CEASES
THEY GASP
# Do you remember the first time
# That my eyes set on you?
# Your smile came from nowhere
# For sometime never,
or sometime soon
# The road is a long one
# I was only passing through
# I was only passing through. #
I'll tell you what I don't
understand about the church.
They're always skint, aren't they?
Eh.Well, every time I went
to church when I was a kid,
they're always banging
on about the roof leaking
or the graveyard caving in.
Well, it must take a lot of money to
maintain such beautiful buildings.
Did you see the amount of cash
going into that collection box?
I can't see anything
wrong with that church,
looks absolutely fine to me.
Blimey, Dom, I didn't
know you felt so strongly
about church maintenance.
Is it because they've
never actually asked you
to do any work for
them by any chance?
No, I'm just saying if
they're that hard up,
why don't you just sell
a few candlesticks, or?
Well, it's all
about faith, isn't it?
Well, you got to have faith.
If you start singing George Michael,
I'm going to hurt you.
MUMBLING:He's dead.
Father Donadieu is dead.
Please, help.
So, let's go over this again.
Of course.
We were taking delivery of
the candles in the vestibule,
and we realised that Farther
Donadieu had stopped shouting.
And then we saw him.
It was awful.
And the Sacred Heart was gone.
He was shouting?
Father Donadieu could
be very impassioned.
And the door was still bolted?
No, no, we only opened
the door to get some help.
Hey, couldn't have been more than
ten minutes before Father Durand
came over for help - to the pub.
I mean, I'd not even
been served my drink.
And what time was this delivery?
It was 5:20pm, straight
after the truck.
It always is.
Our delivery man will confirm.
Madam White, do you
know the approximate value
of the stolen goods?
Well, I'm not an
expert in relics, but, uh,
priceless in its spiritual value.
Would it be easy to sell?
Oh, there's always a
buyer for the priceless.
But if someone wanted to sell
such a thing, where would they go?
Uh, I really don't know.
It's so specific, and
Actually, I might know someone
who could help us. Excuse me.
Hi, Dom.
Fancy going on a pilgrimage?
Lourdes?
Well, I'm just going there
to look up an old friend.
Rather you than me.
It's too touristy.
DOOR OPENS
Sorry, we're not open yet.
My boy! Mommy!
THEY CHUCKLE
Mum, this is Dom and Gene.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, lovely to meet you.
Right, we best be off, then.Yeah.
Where are you off to, dear? Lourdes.
Oh, another child of the Lourdes!
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, yes! Oh!
Oh! Oh.
Celine, I don't suppose
you have a clean room
ready for me, do you, dear?
I didn't know you were coming.
Never mind.
You look exhausted.
I'll clean it myself.
And when I come back, I'll have
a pint of the black stuff, son.
How much food did you order?
Just asked Celine to
do us a packed lunch.
We're only driving half an hour.
Ah, I don't believe it.What?
Food of the gods.
HE CHUCKLES
Well, yeah, we are going to Lourdes.
Oh, Celine asked me a while back
what food I missed from England,
and this was on me list.
She must've got some in, bless her.
Whoa, whoa, hang on.
Of all the things
you could have said,
pork pie with egg, top of your list?
It's not top of my list.What's top?
Baby's head.
Babwhat is baby's head?
Baby's head!
You know, steak and
kidney suet pudding.
A Northern chip shop classic.
So-called because It's as
smooth baby'sBaby's head!
OK! Exactly!
I make a cracking baby's head.
I could give Gordon Ramsay
a run for his money.
Is that a threat or a fantasy?
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh.
All right, then, prove it.
What?
You can cook me dinner.
All right, then.
I'll cook you baby's
head, chips, peas
And gravy, you can't have
baby's head without gravy.
All right! I knew you knew!
Of course I knew!
I went in our chip shop that
often they used to give me
a free calendar at Christmas.
SHE LAUGHS
Did they now?
Oh, I can't believe that.
I mean, how many nuns do you need?
Depends on what you've
been up to my, child.
It's all right, Karen. You can drop
the French accent, he's with me.
Jean! Ah!How are ya?
I'm all right. This is Dom.
All right, Dom. Are you a sinner?
Uh, I've had me moments, yeah.
Let's get that kettle
on and have a ciggie.
Come on.
I washed all those
glasses last night,
and she just washed them all again.
Look, I had no idea
she was coming, love.
Anyway, I know
exactly why she's here.
She just wants to cause trouble.
You know she's been so lonely
since my dad died, Celine.
You know, they did everything
together for 45 years.
Maybe that's why she's here,
to see her only son,
eat with the only family
she has left in the world.
Did you ever think it
could be that?I'm sorry.
It's just It's just
you never give her a chance.
Over here, son!
I'll have another Guinness
when you're ready, son.
I hope you're not gambling, Ma.
Gambling? No, no, son.
This is just a little
friendly culture exchange.
I'm teaching them
how to play cribbage,
and they're going to
teach me how to play bull.
Can I smell a bit of bull?
SHE LAUGHS
He's a funny man, my son.
I mean it, Ma.
We're not licensed for gambling.
Trust me, son, it's
just a little friendly.
OK.And if you found yourself
adding a wee tot of whiskey
as a chaser for your ole ma,
she'd be very grateful.
All right, gentlemen.
50 euro each in the kitschy,
twice round the board.
And I told her I buy curios
THEY CHUCKLE
..and she thought
I was coming on to her.
THEY LAUGH
So how long were you a nun for?
Hey, I still am a nun.
I don't wear this to
keep my head warm.
Praying and all that was all
right for the first few years,
but I needed more, you know,
to keep my faith shining bright.
So she decided to
become one of the world's
leading experts in
religious art.Like you do.
Hey, love, I heard about Rory.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
So, to what do I owe the honour?
Right.
Can you shed any light?
The Sacred Heart or
the heart of Pope Pius VI?
That box is a little
bit small for a heart.
Oh, no. It was only the remains
of his heart in the box.
Uh, mingin'.
What was the history?
In 1791, Pope Pius VI rejected the
Constitution civile du clerge.
What's that?Well, the
New Republic, not the Vatican,
were now in charge of
the Catholic Church in France.
But Pius wasn't having any of it,
so he suspended any
priest who accepted it.
Brave.Yeah, very.
It was only seven
years later in 1798
that the French took control of Rome
and declared it the Roman Republic.
When Pius refused to
submit to the conquerors,
they dragged him back to France.
But he was getting on a bit,
and, of course, he didn't make it.
He croaked on the way back.
Blimey.
He was buried without ceremony
in a non consecrated grave,
and his heart stayed in France.
You're very good with your dates.
Ah, a nun with
a photographic memory.
I should be in a circus.
So the Sacred Heart was stolen
from the Church of the Virgin Mary
in San Victoire yesterday.
But it's priceless,
spiritually and financially.
That's exactly what I said.
If someone was trying to
get rid of it for money,
where would they go, Karen?
I don't even know how
you would get rid of it. Mm.
There's only one
dealer I can think of
who might chance their
arm with something like this.
Oh, who?
Vivienne Dumonet.
Do you know where I can find her?
Here.
Careful, though, love,
she has quite the reputation.
Oh. Thank you, Karen.
Can I use your loo before I go?
Yeah, of course you can.
It's right through there.
Come on, then. What?Who's he?!
Dom?No, St Francis of Assisi.
He's just a mate.
Hm, he makes you sparkle.
He does not.
He is hot.
Are nun's even supposed to say that?
No, probably not.
But religious art experts can.
You are allowed a life, you know.
SHE SIGHS
It's too soon for me, Karen.
He's been so lovely.
I'm really going to miss him.
I've not had a friend
like that for a long time.
HE CLEARS THROA
Aw Yes!
Sorry, Peter. Uh-huh.
It's a sea of glasses out there.
You were playing cribbage?
Well, that's well observed by
a man so young as yourself.
Do you play?
How much is at stake?
SHE LAUGHS
Well, that's very kind of you, young
man, but I'll buy my own drink,
thank you.
Next game is 50 euro stake,
twice around the board.
Take a seat.
WHISPERS: Don't touch anything.
Oh, hello, um
A friend of mine said you might
be able to help me.With?
I'm looking for a religious item.
You have come to the right place.
It's very valuable.
I deal in the finest antiques
and icons, not cheap souvenirs,
Madame, quality surrounds you.
Hm, yes, I can see that.
But this is, um, priceless,
and it'smissing.
You mean the Sacred Heart
of Pope Pius VI, yes?
How do you know?
Anyone who knows
the reliquaries knows.
I only wish it had
come through here.
I could have got rid of
it in five minutes.
Oh!Oh!
What have you done?!
That is finest Capodimonte!
Oh, no, it's not
a Capodimonte, is it ?
Come on.
You owe me 1,500 euro!
Oh, I don't think so, love.
You and I know that's just a
piece of mass-produced pottery.
Here.
Have ten euros for your trouble.
Keep the change.
What did I say?
Seen something you like? What?
Wait a minute.
I saw him in the church with
Father Donadieu.
SHE GASPS SOFTLY
Follow that car.Ah, brilliant!
I have always wanted
somebody to say that to me.
HORN HONKS
THEY SPEAK FRENCH SOFTLY
They're a good looking
couple, make no mistake.
Yeah, this is true.
Got a real sense of style,
haven't they?
What, them two?
You've only just seen them.
No, I mean the French in general.
Yeah.
You know, when I first came here,
I tried to copy the look.
Went to the same shops,
bought the same clothes.
Did I nail it? Nah.
Think I've just got
a very British head.
You always look great to me.
Oh, thanks.
Um, I'll have a ham and
cheese baguette, please.
Yeah.
IN FRENCH:
Madame?
Don't go with your mouth full.
What's gone on there?
I'm going to take a
little look round the church.
Lunch on me, if you'll have
a look at that leaky pump
you keep promising you'll fix.
It's all right.
I'll see you in a bit.
HE TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL
SHE KNOCKS
You don't want to go down
there, that's the crypt!
No-one's been down there for years.
Oh, sorry.
Can I help you?
Yes, I was come to see
you and your mom, actually.
Mama, you remember Madam
White from the night of the
Oh, hello again.
I justI just wondered
how you were both doing.
We're OK.
Of course, it has been
so horrific and shocking
that my sleep has not been good.
He hasn't got a wink. Bless him.
I hope you don't mind me asking,
the gentleman that came into the
church before, I recognise him.
Oh, you mean Sacha Ruse?
He came over to sign
the papers on the field
he has purchased from the church.
Is he a builder?Yes, he is.
He's been wanting to buy
the field for many years.
But Father Donadieu was not keen
and kept it stringing along.
Is that because it was consecrated?
No, because that's the
kind of tyrant he was.
Mama, no.
You cannot speak of
the dead like that,
especially within these walls!
Father Donadieu was a man of faith
in the face of his congregation.
Behind closed doors,
he was a very different man.
It could be very difficult,
especially with
those closest to him,
and my mother has worked
for him since she was 15.
Oh, we've all had tough bosses.
Exactly.
I think I know who
murdered Father Donadieu.
For sure?
The evidence is pretty solid.OK.
Sacha Ruse.
Monsieur Ruse?
Uh, are you sure?
What is your evidence?
His girlfriend is the
only person around here
who could get rid of a relic.
Father Donadieu refused
to sell him a piece of land
that he really wanted,
but just after the murder,
he buys the same piece
of land off Father Durand.
It's got to be Sacha Ruse!
What piece of land?
Oh, it's at the back of the church.
It's not consecrated or anything,
but you've got to
admit the timing's fast.
No, Jean, this is
all circumstantial.
And how would he get
back through a bolted door?
Well, I don't know, Caron,
but somebody is dead
and everything is pointing to him.
Monsieur Ruse is a very important
member of the community,
a magistrate,
and incredibly charitable.
If you are wrong, the
ripple effect will be huge.
But what if I'm right?
Hasn't your community
got a right to know
that it's living with a murderer?
We should at least question him.
IN FRENCH:
your antiques, Jean White?
I do.
Can I ask you a few questions?
All right, of course.
It has come to my knowledge
that you have recently bought
the piece of land behind the church.
Yes.
And you've been trying to get
your hands on that land for ages.
Yeah, yes.
But Father Donadieu did not
want me to develop the land,
even though it was not consecrated.
And you're currently
dating an expert
in religious icons and antiques?
Oui.
And what business is that of yours?
Monsieur Ruse,
forgive my directness,
but it is a bit of a coincidence
that a religious
relic has been stolen,
you have a girlfriend that
could get rid of it for you,
and the only person
standing in the way
of a big development got murdered.
HE CHUCKLES
And you're being serious?
The circumstantial
evidence is strong, Monsieur.
Mm-hm.
Are you areligious woman,
Madame White?
Um
..well, I would say I was
spiritual more than religious.
Mm, but you were
raised with religion?
You grew up with it?
Roman Catholic.
Well, I am a committed atheist.
HE CHUCKLES
And, you know, one of the
reasons why I am an atheist,
when my mother was
just three years old
..she was ripped away from
her mother by the church.
No reason other than she was
unmarried and struggling.
Her child torn away.
My grandmother committed suicide,
rather than live with the
grief of losing her daughter.
And, you know, the judge did?
They threw her into a pauper's pit.
No burial, no grave.
The shame my mother had to grow up
with coloured her entire life.
That is why I wanted to buy the
land in the back of the church.
That land is the very pauper's
pit in which my grandmother lies.
Oh.Oui.
I want to turn it into a place for
people who need help. Hm?
A sort of sanctuary,
in my grandmother's honour.
But Father Donadieu was
not in favour of the idea,
as it would bring
shame on the church.
HE LAUGHS DRYLY
Oh, and as for stealing
the remains of a heart
that might have
belonged to the Pope
..you will not be surprised to know
that doesn't interest me at all.
Monsieur Ruse,
can I ask where you went
after leaving the church that night?
Mm.
Madame Dumonet and
I dined at La Salle Nuit.
The restaurant was packed.
Maybe you should have
asked me that first.
Please accept my sincere apologies.
Jean, how could you do that to me?!
I've never been so humiliated!
The evidence was so compelling,
I was sure it was him.
I will never live this
down in this village.
I'm sorry.Not to mention my wife!
Your wife?
She is a member of the same art
committee as Vivienne Dumonet.
She will never let
me live this down!
Well, just explain to her
that it was all my fault.
You don't know my wife!
Caron, you can't make me feel
any worse than I already do.
PHONE PINGS
What's wrong?
There has been another stabbing.
IN FRENCH:
Yes, but he's a local drug
dealer, so it's probably unrelated.
Oh, it was awful.
I don't think I'm cut out
for this police stuff.
There's so much blood.
Happened to me once.
What, you witnessed a murder scene?
No, a really about shaving cut.
There was blood all over the place,
I nearly fainted.
And Caron's still
not speaking to me.
Oh, love.
I'll see you both later.
See you.
That's why I stopped shaving.
Xav's gambling, over there!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Glo.
My Ma told me it
was just a friendly.
Come on, Gloria.
What the hell do you
think you are doing?!
Mama?You could get to
shut down, you stupid woman!
Hey, there's no need for
that, Celine. No, there isn't!/font
And how dare you
speak to me like that?
We don't have a licence to gamble.
Well, you should get one!
There's a reason why
we don't "get one"!
Do you have a criminal record?
I don't have a criminal record,
but if you don't get out of
my face, I soon will have.
Please, everyone!
I'm the reason why they
don't have a licence.
I'm a recovering addict.
Well, we're not doing drugs, son.
Besides, you won the kitschy twice.
Not drugs, gambling.
I'm supposed to be in recovery.
I'm sorry, Mum.
Can we go home now?
Thanks Celine
..for trying.
You always have to
look at the parents
to see why the child
behaves so badly.
I think you know
what you need to do.
Take no notice, son.
This whole PC thing
has got way out of hand.
You should've seen his face, Dom.
I've never seen anyone so upset,
especially someone like Caron.
I feel awful.
SHE SIGHS
And he mentioned his wife?
Yeah.
It's the first time he's mentioned
her to me, thinking about it.
Well, that'll be it, then.
What do you mean?Uh
How do I put it?
Have you ever seen
Caron out of uniform?
Ever seen him relax or have dinner?
Weirdly, no.No.
He hates to go home,
he just stays at work.
Because of his wife?Yeah.
A few times he mentioned it to me,
he just said he and his
wife do not get on. Oh.
I mean, the only time
I saw them together,
they were sniping all night,
it was exhausting.
Why don't they just split up?
Who knows?
I just know that that kind
of thing would drive me insane.
Gosh, even so,
he's such a lovely man.
I wish I could make it up to him.
BELL RINGS
You fancy a prayer service?Really?
Oh, come on, please.
Justjust give me one more look.
A prayer service? I don't
know what to do, all the
Just do what I do.
Come on, it'll be fine.
PRIEST SPEAKS FRENCH
THEY SING IN FRENCH
OFF TEMPO SINGING
PRIEST CONTINUES IN FRENCH
THINKING: Different curtains.
WHISPERS: Mother and son.
Uh!
WHISPERS:What?! Dom, stay in
your seat after the service.
What? It's bad enough being
here in the first place,
never mind staying
longer than we have to.
Please, Dom?
All right. All right.
Oof, you got me skin then. Sorry.
PRIEST SPEAKS FRENCH
BELL RINGS
Oh, that was a
lovely service, father.
Thank you. You must be
very proud of your son.
I am, especially since he
gets to lead the service.
Oh, did Father Donadieu not
let you lead the service?
Never. Father Donadieu was, shall we
say, a little bit possessive.
Oh, Monsieur Ruse said that Father
Donadieu was also very possessive
about the land at the
back of the church.
Father Donadieu said it was
the property of the church,
but I thought selling the land could
create something for the community.
Oh.
So it's quite useful
that, um, Father Donadieu
is not here any more.
What are you insinuating?
Just that life's a little
bit better for everyone.
Are you accusing me
of murder in God's house?
No, Father.
Not you.
Madame White, how dare you?!
When I first came into the church
after Father Donadieu
had been murdered,
I couldn't see why the
confessional box seemed strange.
But tonight, I worked it out.
It's out of place, only slightly.
But it's not quite
where it should be.
Would you like to
tell us why, Paulette?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Should I refresh your memory?
This is absolute nonsense.
Had a little bit of
help, didn't you?
This is how I see it.
As we left the church that night,
your drug dealer friends
sneaked off and hid in
the confessional box.
As Father Donadieu came
back into the church,
your young friend
came out of the box
and stabbed him in the
back with a crucifix
..and quickly returned,
picking up the relic on the way.
You then sent Durand for help
to the pub across the square.
And while he was gone, you both
slid the confessional box across,
revealing a secret door?
Which I assume leads to the crypt.
After he made his escape,
you tried to put the confessional
box back into the right place.
But, well, in your efforts,
you left a tilted
station of the cross.
Can you give me a hand?Yeah.
Only a girl who's
worked here all her life
would know where a secret door was.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, my darling.
HE INHALES SHARPLY
How did you know?
I saw you going in the
crypt door one morning.
I assumed it was the side door
until I came to visit you.
I'd been at the receiving
end of that monster's wrath
most of my working life.
I was determined my son
wouldn't go through the same.
I dreamt about murdering him,
what silencing him would sound like.
But you murdered twice, didn't you?
What?The boy!
What boy? Come on,
the boy, Paulette.
He was killed with shears!
Your sewing shears!
He was blackmailing me.
I paid him well, he wanted more.
I spent all my savings.
So, what happened
to the Sacred Heart?
Oh, well, that was used
just for a motive for murder.
Never left, did it, Paulette?
you would never sell a holy relic,
good Catholic girl like you.
No, you made new
curtains to hide it.
Mama?
How
The curtains on the leaflet
are a different colour.
And when I was in the vestry,
I noticed the thread in your
sewing machine was crimson.
CARON:I got your text.
This better be good, Jean.
Let's give them a minute.
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS
So, you still going to
cook me baby's head, then?
I'm not one to renege on a promise.
I don't want tinned peas, mind.
I want them soaked overnight.
Oh, do you now?In a hairnet.
A hairnet?Yeah.
Like me gran used to do.
Do I look like the kind
of woman who wears a hair net?
I refuse to answer that
question on the grounds of fear.
SHE CHUCKLES
Just turn up at
mine at seven o'clock.
Would it excite you if I told you
that I've got a couple of bottles of
Dandelion and Burdock to bring over.
Now that excites me more than
you could possibly imagine.
Hiya, Love. Hello, love.
How's Xav?I've just come back
from one of his meetings.
You're such a lovely mum.
Oh, Celine, I'm so sorry
for kicking off yesterday.
Oh, kicking off?
You were positively graceful.
You have absolutely
nothing to apologise for.
We promised you that there
would be no gambling in here.
It's us who should
be apologising to you.
Wasn't your fault.
Maybe not,
but it was the fault of her.
SHE SIGHS
I know she's my mother-in-law,
but I cannot stand her.
This one actually told me
that I couldn't possibly be
a real woman because
I hadn't had a child.
THEY GASP
I can't believe the
outright cheek of her!
I told her I didn't want her here,
straight away, but
she just ignores me.
How about Niall?
Him?!
He resorts to being a
12-year-old boy. Bless him.
She smothers him as a mother,
and she guilt trips him on religion.
Ugh, for a few hours off
There she is, a child of God!
How was your trip to Lourdes?
Oh, um, great, great.
Sister, I got your message,
what's so urgent?!
Jean, there's something
I have to tell you,
and it just couldn't wait.
I must ask you all for your
complete confidentiality.
What I'm about to say
might just change the world.
Of course. Yeah, yeah.
At seven o'clock last night,
Sister Bernadette saw the
face of our lady
in a croque monsieur in
a cafe in Lourdes.
Now, please, don't
mention this to anyone.
But there is every chance
that the croque monsieur
will cry at any minute,
and the Cafe de Royal will
become a place of pilgrimage.
THEY LAUGH
Remember, son, you're
the man of the house.
Don't go letting her
walk all over you.
She's a beautiful woman, Ma.
Maybe to you.
Here, take care of yourself.
See you soon.
And get that
gambling license sorted!
And I told her I buy curios,
and she thought I
was coming on to her!
THEY LAUGH
I don't know how to thank you.
You can start with
another Rum and Black.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, excuse me.
Hi, Barbara.
Cash buyer?
Oh, so, when can they view again?
Tomorrow?
Oh, Barbara, that'sthat's great.
Third time lucky, eh?
Yeah, bye.
Cash buyer, that's brilliant news.
The sooner I sell that cottage,
the sooner I'm on my way home.
Celine, fill me up.
We're all celebrating.
Oh, OK! Hey, hey!
Cheers! Cheers!