The McCarthys (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

This is my hometown.
My family members are scattered all over Boston.
My parents live here, my sister lives here, my brothers live here and here, and I live way over here.
But we always seem to end up over here.
What's Jackie doing? I decided to make the pumpkin pie.
I know what you're thinking.
"Jackie's baking? Jackie, who once burned a smoothie?" - Yeah, that Jackie.
- I'm gonna be a single mom, so I got to learn to cook for my baby.
See? There's a nice thought behind it, so you can't really say no.
You just got to let it happen.
Is there bourbon in the pie? No, but there's a bunch in your mom.
Got to love Thanksgiving.
Family, food and football.
You see Jackie helping out in the kitchen? Is the fire extinguisher still under the sink? - Yeah, I brought the upstairs one down, too.
- Smart.
It's great when Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday.
You get a four-day weekend.
It always falls on a Thursday.
Yeah, and it's always great.
MARJORIE: Sean is right.
Thanksgiving will be great.
Dinner will be great.
Dessert will be available.
RONNY: Oh, no.
Oh, God, no.
It's Gerard, and he's with Katrina.
- Oh, God.
No.
- Why? Oh, please don't let them be back together again.
The day they broke up was the happiest day of my life.
- Ma.
- Oh, I know.
You all were born, I got married, every day's a gift, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, so you're saying I'm crazy? I'm saying that even if Princess Diana wasn't dead, she wouldn't shop at CVS.
Hey, McCarthys! Guess who's back together.
Katrina and Gerard.
We're calling ourselves Katard.
(chuckles) My gal's a wordsmith.
New color for the kitchen? - No.
- Oh, wasn't a question.
It was a suggestion.
You're welcome.
How in the hell How did this happen? Well, I was walking down Centre Street the other night, and out of the blue, I hear, "Hey, loser!" And he turns his head, 'cause, you know, the shoe fit.
No, I turned because "loser" was her pet name for me.
Come here, loser.
Give me some fish lips.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah Okay.
Weird.
Unsavory.
Sorry, my girl gets carried away.
Oh, I wouldn't mind if she were carried away.
(laughs loudly) (chuckles) Marj in charge.
Of the jokes.
So, Jackles, I hear congrats are in order.
Mmm.
Thank you.
So when's the glorious bastard coming out? (chuckles) Just kidding.
You're glowing or whatever.
Oh, Ron.
Hey, I heard gay guys work out all the time.
Good for you, bucking the stereotype.
(chuckles) She's saying you're weak.
- She still loves to zing.
- I do.
All right, well, we just wanted to stop by - and share the good news with everybody.
SEAN: - Hey, Gerard, before you leave, Ma needs you to go up in the crawl space and get the Thanksgiving decorations.
Why can't you do it? I tried.
It's pretty tight up there, and you got those little doll hands.
Right? The other day, he was waving at me, and his watch just went flying off.
My hands are normal.
The watch you got me was too big.
I'm not complaining.
I like your tiny hands.
They make my boobs look huge.
(groans) - Oof.
- Off-putting.
Father Time.
So, I see you're gearing up for a nice Turkey Day.
Me? I got no plans.
Oh, that's information.
Yeah.
My mom's away on that cruise she won for getting hit in the head with a puck at a Bruins game, so I'm on my own all day tomorrow.
- That is for sure.
MARJORIE: - Well, that's the right way to do it.
So, you gonna pour yourself a glass of wine? Soak in a tub? Nah, baths are gross.
Soaking in your own filth? Not interested.
So So So why don't you come here for Thanksgiving? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks a lot, Ronny.
Hey, Gerard! Your family just invited me to Thanksgiving, like, right out of the blue! The McCarthys S01E05 Original air date 27/11 - Looks good.
- Yeah.
Now we just have to add "It was a" and " until Ronny ruined it by inviting that monster.
" Sorry.
I panicked.
Uncomfortable silences are my weakness.
That and accepting compliments.
Probably because I was raised with insults.
Thanks for taking us behind the scenes of your screwup.
See, that felt right.
Relax.
I said I'd ask.
Katrina wants to know what she can bring tomorrow.
Oh, just herself.
(quietly): Or not even that.
Mom, it's a holiday.
Let's just be nice.
She said she'll bring stuffing.
The hell she will! I make the stuffing! No on the stuffing.
Because every year Ronny makes his special stuffing.
It's his thing.
I don't know.
It's okay.
Kind of dry.
In a good way.
Because it's important to him.
He doesn't have a lot going on in his life.
In a good way.
Stop arguing.
You're ridiculous! Aw, thanks.
Your butt's ridiculous.
How can they be back together? She's not good for Gerard.
She's an awful person.
She's mean to every one of you.
Even poor Jackie, who's never done anything to anybody.
Yeah.
I never Shh! Not now, Jackie.
It hurts me that she's with Gerard.
Literally.
Because we're twins.
You know, when he feels pain, I feel it, too.
In my shoulder.
The other day, I'm sitting in the movies, all of a sudden, "Ah!" Turns out, at that exact moment, Gerard was in traffic suffering from road rage.
Why don't we just tell Gerard how we feel about Katrina? Maybe he'll dump her.
You know we can't do that.
It's Gerard.
Hey.
New shirt? What, you don't like it? Not my favorite.
Oh, well, now it's my favorite! And I'm never gonna take it off! Ronny, you did this.
You need to make it go away.
Are you asking me to kill Katrina? Hey, as long as she's not here tomorrow, I'm not asking any questions.
So, Gerard and Katrina, the sequel.
Yeah.
Insane, right? Yeah.
Sanity, nowhere to be found.
You know what I love about her, Ronny? I really don't.
She always puts me first.
That's super.
But I did want to say - Oh, you're wearing that shirt again.
- Yeah.
Katrina reminded me I'm angry about it.
I had forgotten.
She keeps me organized.
Don't worry, Ronny.
Someday you'll find your Katrina.
Oh.
No.
So, your Katrina is gonna be the only one who's not a part of the family at Thanksgiving.
Tough stuff.
Why? You know our family.
Sometimes we make people feel like they're not part of things.
And for her to feel like she's an outsider ouch.
I hadn't thought of that.
Yeah.
Boy, if only there was something you could do to prevent putting her in that situation.
Ronny, are you suggesting I am.
It might be for the best.
I think it is.
I'm gonna do it.
Oh, thank God.
I was afraid this was gonna be awkward - I'm gonna propose to Katrina.
- What?! - On Thanksgiving! - On Thanksgiving?! Make her a part of the family on a family holiday.
Great idea, Ronny.
Oh, my God.
- I'm freaking out.
- Me, too! (both yelling) Maybe it was a measuring thing? I don't think so.
Wait, is a pint a quart? Here's how I remember it: "A pint is a pint, a quart is a quart.
" Hi, guys.
Hi.
Hey, how'd it go with Gerard last night? Oh, no, you didn't tell him? And you somehow made it worse.
Oh, my God, he's gonna propose at Thanksgiving?! What? How do you do that? A mother knows.
A witch knows.
Oh, Ronny, why would you tell him to propose? Right.
I told him to propose.
- Why? - What's wrong with you? You do weird things, Ronny.
Well, I refuse to accept this.
Evil only triumphs when good men do nothing.
Translation: someone has a crazy plan.
Here it is.
If we all work together, we can stop this proposal from happening.
We can save Gerard.
Sean, you stay close to him all morning.
Be sure he doesn't propose before he gets back to the house.
You got it, Ma.
I'd lay down my life for that little guy.
First, I got to take a leak.
Arthur, you have got to talk to Gerard.
You find out a way to bring up marriage and then scare him off of it.
What do I tell him? You tell him all the things that you don't like about being married to me.
- I'm not falling for that again.
- Arthur this time, it's not a trap.
Really? I get to vent? What time does he get here? Yes.
And, Ronny, you just figure out how you're gonna ruin Christmas.
What about me, Ma? What can I do? You keep making that pie.
We might need a weapon.
Oh.
Your father got a phone mail.
His words, not mine.
Apparently, Sean is still with Gerard.
So everything is going according to plan.
Are you rubbing your hands together like a villain? I am applying lotion.
Like a villain.
Wait, this is lotion? I got to start over.
I'm going to the market.
Look, Ma I know it's heartwarming to see the whole family pull together to destroy a relationship It is bringing us closer.
Even still, he loves her.
What does he love about her? Well, his big thing is that she puts him first.
(groans) Your generation.
Who in the world has anybody who puts them first? Most people with a mother.
So Gerard wants to marry Katrina because she puts him first.
But if I put him first He'd want to marry you? No.
- He wouldn't need Katrina.
- Ah.
Your plan's insane.
But I enjoyed the salt and pepper theater.
Actually, this one is half salt, half sugar - Jackie refilled it.
He's here.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Gerard, I'm thankful for you.
Top of the list.
So you actually believe this will work? Quiet, Ronny, you make me sound like a crazy person.
I need this.
There's my number one son.
- Thanks, Ma.
- Move.
Come here, you.
I wanted you to have the first piece.
Because I put you first.
Before the meal? Yeah, before the meal.
That's how first you are.
Now, you come in and sit down, you.
You must be exhausted from being amazing all day.
Oh, no, no, not there - in the easy chair.
Arthur, get up.
I don't understand.
I never get up.
Get up.
There we are.
So you have a nice seat there.
All right.
(grunts) Are you comfy, honey? Where the hell do my arms go? So, I see that Katrina's not here.
She went to go pick up the wine.
Oh, so, to her, it's wine here and then you.
Yikes.
I think she just needed a break from Sean.
Hey.
You're an incredible girl.
- I know.
- And tonight, I - Hey.
(shrieks) - Oh, gah! He wouldn't leave us alone all morning.
It was so annoying.
Hey, buddy, I feel what you feel, so I'm annoyed by me, too.
Sean, Ronny, get the folding table.
Gerard, you just relax.
Arthur, why don't you have a little chat with your son? Do some venting.
Oh, I'm gonna.
You want to know what bugs me about being married to your mom? Not really.
She makes plans when I don't want to do stuff.
Her feet are cold.
I thought there were more.
So why are you complaining? Sounds like you're happy.
You're right.
I am.
Marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me.
You get weird on that couch.
Gobble, gobble, nerds, it's Katan in the house.
(whoops) Okay.
Hey, Gerard, help me, please.
- Why'd you buy this giant clown wine? - No, it's regular size.
It just looks giant in your tiny lady hands.
At least one of us is a lady.
You're my lady.
Go fish.
Mm.
(kissing) Ronny, can you put this in the kitchen? Wow.
Oh, if it's too heavy for you, there's no shame in rolling it.
Oh, and can you hang my coat up, please? And be careful, it's pleather.
(whispers): Ronny.
What are you morons doing? None of your business.
You think it'll firm up in the oven? Well, you preheated it to 500, so who knows? Might even turn to glass.
I'll never learn to cook.
My baby's gonna starve.
- No, Jackie, I think it's the opposite.
- You do? This is the only pumpkin pie I've ever seen that a baby could eat.
Thanks, Ma.
Should I make another? No, no, you take a break and I'll let you know when the pie's boiling.
Courtesy of Katrina.
(short laugh) It's gonna take more wine than that to tolerate her.
Mom, he's gonna do it.
He's got a ring.
What? No.
Because I put him first.
And the pepper was there and the salt was there.
I need more spices.
Get me all the spices.
Mom.
Give me the shakers.
Gerard's an adult.
This is inevitable.
You got to get on board.
Was that Katrina? Might've been Gerard.
It's been a long day.
Gobble, gobble, Marj at large.
Hey, look what I made: Katrina's special stuffing.
- But I make the stuffing.
- Oh, I know, but I decided to do my own.
Okay, I'm gonna go 'cause it smells real gross in here.
- Helps, right? - Little bit.
Ugh.
I don't want to be out there with her.
And I don't want to be away from you.
You're my rock.
Thank you, Arthur.
Your nonsense is just what I need right now.
Good.
I've got a tingle in my shoulder.
Something's coming.
Hey, guys, Katrina was hoping we could eat soon.
She has to leave by 8:00 so she can get in line - for the Black Friday sales.
- Oh, fun, that's always a lovely herd of people.
Yeah, my girl loves to shop.
She even made the news last year as part of a trampling.
Trampler or tramplee? Eh, she said, they said.
KATRINA: Let's get this show on the road! All right! (whispers): Tonight's gonna be really special.
Well, that's our life now.
Fish lips and tramplings.
No, it's not.
Gerard just handed us our plan.
Katrina's leaving at 8:00.
All we have to do is stall till then.
Oh, Ronny, what's to stop him from proposing tomorrow, or the next day, or any other damn day? Oh, once we have him alone tonight, we'll talk to him.
We'll tell him how we really feel about her.
But what about the shirt, Ronny? He wore it more.
This isn't a shirt.
This is his entire family telling him what's best for him.
Can we call it a Katrinavention? Would you like that? I would.
It's very clever.
Great.
We'll have a Katrinavention.
But first, we stall like we've never stalled before.
Now go! What has gotten into you? I make the stuffing.
Wow.
Football and a folding table.
It's like dining with the Kennedys.
How's everyone liking my pumpkin soup? I thought you were making pumpkin pie.
It wanted to be soup.
I decided not to fight it.
Plus, a baby could eat it.
Looks like a baby already ate it.
Aw, babe, what can't you zing? I know.
All right, everybody, listen up.
I have an announcement to make.
Nope.
(clears throat) Before any announcements, I think we should go around the table, and each say what we're thankful for.
Bet no one's gonna say the soup.
We never say what we're thankful for.
We make fun of people who do that.
Well, there you go.
I'm thankful that we have things to mock.
In some parts of the world, people don't have things to mock.
And now I shall list some parts of the world.
(clears his throat) Albania.
No way.
It's my turn.
I'm thankful for a very special person.
No, no, not your turn.
I'm next to Ronny.
Well, we're gonna go in random order, like how turkeys run.
So, um Jackie, next.
JACKIE: Okay.
I'm thankful that next year, I will give birth to this precious little baby inside me.
I never thought that motherhood would Got it.
Baby.
Next.
I'm grateful for my beautiful Marjorie.
My best friend and I can't go on.
Thank you, and you're useless.
Sean, go.
I'm thankful for my family.
And here are some other parts of the world.
Alaska, West Alaska.
All right, enough of this garbage.
I have something to say, and I can't wait any longer.
MARJORIE: Mm, mm, oh, I'm I'm choking on the stuffing.
I thought choking people can't talk.
(mouthing) Okay.
All right, there it goes.
Oh, boy, that was wild.
I am traumatized.
Better call it a night.
Bye-bye, Katrina.
Fine with me.
I got to get to my sales anyway.
Well, bye, you dirty giblets.
Marj, what can I say about this meal? It was my only option.
Hold on.
Katrina, life is precious.
(mumbles) (sighs) One minute everything's fine, the next minute, you could choke to death on a traditionally soft food, like stuffing.
My dad told me that my mom is the best thing that ever happened to him.
And I want what they have.
(gasps) Katrina will you marry me? Oh, Ger-Bear.
Pass.
Ow.
Katrina what are you saying? I'm sorry.
It's just, you know, we fought a lot when we dated before, and I mean, now that we're back together, I just wonder.
Maybe we're settling for each other, you know? I I guess what I'm trying to say is I think I could do better.
Sorry, Ger-Bear.
You stuffing-stealing harlot! Excuse me? Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a guy as caring and devoted as Gerard? You should be grateful he even gave you a second chance.
Let alone want to spend the rest of his life with you.
He's a great kid! And if you think for one minute you'll ever find anybody better, then you're crazy.
So, be on your way, madam! McCarthys, you make a terrible dinner, but some excellent points.
All right, Ger-Bear, I will marry you! Oh.
Aw, babe, you always make me work for it.
Hey, let's go celebrate at Target.
Later, dinks! Hey, we're family now! Guys, thank you.
(sighs) This may not be the right time, but her stuffing's better than yours.
Shh, look.
Turn it up.
MAN (on TV): A local citizen was injured this evening in a trampling at a Black Friday sale.
The victim (gasps) a 50-year-old man from Dorchester (all sigh) Oh, well, there's always next year.