The Me You Can't See (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

I believe
that we should be embracing
whatever works,
and whichever aspects
of modern medicine,
as it were,
have been shown to work
should be embraced
alongside those
religious, traditional,
and spiritual practices
that have helped people
with mental health problems
for millennia.
The first time
I felt depressed,
it was before
my parents divorced
when I was nine.
I just remembered feeling
really, really low
even then.
With depression,
you're not really
fully present in life
in many ways.
You're more detached.
You're distant.
You're just living
in your head.
When I was really struggling,
I used to come down here.
I'd read online
about sort of various things
that would help
with depression,
so even coming here,
yeah, it's beautiful.
Yeah, it's nice,
but I'd be walking along
through Lee Valley going,
"It's not working.
It's not working."
I tried so many
different things, you know?
And nothing was helping.
Being on antidepressants
Tried writing
these daily diary entries.
Things just kept getting
progressively worse.
"I don't see
any way out of this.
I may as well be dead."
"Everything is fake
and painted on.
I can't
go on like this anymore.
I don't want to die,
but I can't live like this
so what do I do?"
"I just don't know."
Discovery
in mental health care
has been disappointing
for decades.
Prozac was discovered
in the 1980s,
and we haven't really
had anything that new since.
I discovered literature
on LSD and psychotherapy
in the '60s where they thought
that you could treat
mental illness
with psychedelics,
and then it was,
like, wow, no one had done
any brain imaging research
with LSD.
Maybe there's something
to this.
For me,
it was blue sky science,
just pure curiosity.
What the hell
happens in your brain
when you're under
the influence of psychedelics?
So we did a study
with psilocybin,
a chemical that occurs
naturally in magic mushrooms,
used FMRI
to look at brain activity,
and then we saw things
that made sense
in the context of depression.
Psilocybin targets
a particular aspect
of the serotonin system,
and that aspect
is related
to what we call plasticity,
which is the ability to change,
most simply.
It's kind of exactly
what you see
with a lot of different
interventions for depression.
It was kind
of hard, biological evidence,
and so we had a trial
with participants.
And the mental health
professionals
that we brought in also felt
kind of, you know, rejuvenated
with this opportunity,
that they were
kind of disillusioned
with mainstream
mental health care,
but this,
oh, this is really exciting.
We were gonna
give this everything.
When we planned out
this trial,
we went for the upper end
you know,
the severer end of depression,
so everyone
had suicidal intent.
Applicants did a study,
heard about it in some way,
and then a screening process,
which is a very, very
careful screening process
to check that people
don't have any
of the contraindications
for psilocybin safety
for example, not having had
a psychotic experience himself
or a close family member
with psychosis or bipolar.
Also to get into the trial,
they had to have a back history
of failed treatments.
Now this was
like last chance saloon.
When I was
accepted onto the trial,
it was like all other routes
had been exhausted.
I've had enough.
I can'tI can't deal
with this anymore, you know?
I didn't feel
there were many options,
and it's easy
to start feeling worthless.
Because we
hadn't done this before,
and no one
had done this before,
we gave a low dose to know
that they could tolerate
a higher dose
that we know would be
really pretty damn potent.
You put on eyeshades,
you lay back in the bed,
and you listen to music,
and the music playlist
is crafted
in a particular way,
to take you on a journey,
and the drug takes you
on a journey anyway
based on what's
already in your mind,
but if there's any direction,
it's really coming
from the music.
It's evocative.
It's emotional.
It's atmospheric.
It takes you on a journey,
but it's
a very personal journey.
The psilocybin experience
breaks down the ego.
It allows for you to access
all the deeper layers
of yourself.
The memories that people
have kept pushed away
for a very long time,
to really sit
with those memories
and learn what they're
trying to teach you.
Definitely affected me.
I definitely felt it.
But the first dose,
I resisted.
I was worried about
letting go in so many ways,
and even something as simple
as rolling over
to make myself comfortable
I was, like, glued
to this spot in the bed.
It's almost like depression's
some sort of form of control.
It's like you know
where you are with it,
even though it's horrible,
and this was like
I don'tI don't want
to let go.
And it didn't quite work
the first time.
If we're suffering
from depression,
we're living in our heads.
We feel very isolated,
very separate
from everything else.
It is challenging
your defenses.
It's kind of saying, "let go."
But you want to say,
"No, back off."
People feel
that's what they need to do.
That's what
we're almost taught
is the strong,
stoic thing to do.
It's survive and resist.
What you resist persists.
I'd tried to resist
and had managed to resist,
but I knew that I needed
to try this again.
And so all our prep
and the facilitation
of the session itself
is to try and say,
"It's okay to let go.
It's okay to be vulnerable.
You're supported here."
With taking the second dose,
I was really scared
because I knew
that I was taking a dose
that was 2 1/2 times stronger
than the dose
I'd taken before,
but the key phrase
was "in and through."
Whatever comes up,
you look it in the eye,
you go into it,
and you go through it.
You don't avoid.
A good analogy
for the psilocybin experience
is deep sea dive.
If you imagine swimming
along the surface of the sea,
and that being normal,
everyday consciousness
And for people
with depression,
that's like swimming
against waves
of negative thinking
that are crashing
against them,
just trying to stay afloat,
just treading water.
And the psilocybin,
it's like diving down
from the surface
of those waves,
from the mind into the body.
People then go down
into the very deepest layers
of themselves, and that's
like the bottom of the sea,
swimming down there
in those dark waters,
and we really encourage people
to swim
towards the dark places to see
what you can discover there.
We talk about looking
for the oysters
like, spiky oysters
are the memories
kept pushed away
for a very long time
and don't ever
want to look in.
After my parents
had split up
I was abused by my dad.
I refused to be held back
by what my dad did to me.
But by virtue of that,
I kind of denied, really,
that it had affected me
as much as it had.
It's been, like,
a recurring thought
in my head,
and I've always pushed it
to one side
because if I entertained it,
that will be the end.
That will be likeI won't
be able to cope with it.
For years before that,
it was mentioned,
it was brought up,
but I really didn't see that
as being
the root cause of it all.
I was just like,
"well, I'm not coping.
Why aren't I coping?
There must be some reason
for this."
The second dose,
I was still trying to resist.
I was still digging
my heels in
but it was so strong
that I couldn't resist.
I was able
to just be open to it
and allowing everything
to come up to the surface.
It's the complete opposite
of depression,
which is avoid, avoid, avoid.
This was visual.
It was like
this horrible memory
was here.
My dad was to my left,
and I could see myself.
I was like,
"I'm going that way."
And I would realize, you know,
this is what I always do.
This is the way I always go.
Doctor, I'm scared.
Ian expressed some fear,
and it was
a very intense moment
for everyone, I think.
We knew something
was happening.
I was feeling
just this darkness
building up inside me
but it was only
by being in this situation
and being on this drug
with the support I had
I was able
to look my dad in the eye.
It didn't kill me.
In fact, it just revealed him
for what he really was and is.
I felt so alive,
like that weight
that I'd carried around
with me everywhere
that sort of crushed
the life out of me
had just been taken away.
"The is-ness of all things
is overwhelmingly apparent.
It's like zooming in
on the present moment
to a cellular, atomic level.
Every living thing,
every object is shining
with its own presence
and life.
Negative thoughts
and feelings still arise,
but they rise and then fade
again in complete awareness.
They just are.
Being fully accepted
just means they are a ripple
that subsides quickly,
painlessly,
and without a struggle."
People refer to it
as ten years of therapy
in a day,
but for the benefits to last,
there needs
to be a lot of work
because otherwise on their own,
there is this sense of opening
and then shutting again.
Do you feel that sense
of psychological flexibility,
and if so,
what does it feel like?
I have been in places
where I'm like, "I'm stuck.
- I can't get out of this."
- Yeah.
"What do I do?"
But, like,
the most recent time,
within the last couple of weeks
for instance where
it's like someone flicks
a switch, and I'm just
I spiral down and down
and down and down.
Yeah?
People after
their psilocybin experience
will feel depressed again.
The psilocybin experience
opens the door,
but to maintain that kind
of sense of flexibility
and openness
takes daily practice,
and if you have
a psilocybin experience
without that daily practice,
it might bring you
a kind of afterglow,
but that will be
a temporary thing,
and it won't change your life.
But it's teaching them
how to be flexible
in the face of that
and how to say, "well,
I'm feeling a bit bad,
but I'm gonna do something."
Too frequently we are left
with the same old treatments.
Treatments that my father
might have been given
decades ago are still
some of the latest treatments.
We need to understand
more about the brain
and science in order
to accelerate discovery
for better treatments.
Let's open the universe
of things we consider,
but actually do study them
'cause if they work,
people should
have access to them.
Sometimes I'm like,
"I need to meditate
'cause today's not going well."
I'll overthink any situation
that's coming up.
Mm-hmm.
- Anxiety's like a gas
- Mm.
And it will just fill
whatever the space
whatever space you give it,
it will fill it, you know?
What I found after the study
is that the individual
integration people had
was okay, but what was
much more effective for people
is when we had
an integration group.
So we brought the participants
of the study together
where they were able
to meet each other,
share with each other.
Ian met Mat, and I think
that's been much richer.
This is gonna be good for you
because when you
get into your head,
this is something
you can just bring in
- Mm.
- If you remember to do it.
Yeah.
So imagine there's, like,
a kind of cocoon
all around your body,
it's this white bark,
and it's protecting you,
and as you breathe in,
you're just breathing in
everything that is yours,
everything
that you've forgotten,
and breathing out
what you're letting go of.
So Ian and Mat
are in
a therapy group together.
The idea is not
that they will just have
one psilocybin experience,
but that they will have
a number of them
over the course
of a long, therapeutic process
with lots of therapy before
and after each session.
I did my psilocybin trial
at Imperial College of London
with Ros as my guide.
You know, the psychedelic
experience itself
gives you this amazing opening
and this lovely connection
and acceptance,
but integration is about
maintaining that kind of
new opening that you've got.
Psilocybin
is about connection.
It's about allowing
all of it, you know,
just to burst out.
Yeah, allowing
a bomb to explode.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah.
It gives you a path to go
towards the challenging stuff,
- doesn't it?
- Yeah.
The world is waking up
to the potential
of psychedelic therapy.
Very few people
have been able to access
this treatment so far.
It's really hopeful
that we can just build this
and build this and build this
and that people
can have ongoing access.
I've thought depression
is a cancer.
Depression is a lump
that I need to cut out
of myself and throw in the bin
and get rid of,
and now I see depression
is really about my relationship
with myself.
The answers do lie within you,
but it takes kindness.
It takes ongoing work
to be able to see it.
The use of
any psychoactive medication
has some potential risk.
This is a promising treatment,
but it should be done
in collaboration with
an experienced clinical team
in a safe environment.
We're learning more about
the brain and how it works,
and we're trying
to see how that fits
with our old views
about how to give diagnoses
and do treatment.
Right now, we're
a little bit too categorical.
We're putting people
in too many boxes, you know?
And the truth is human beings
are so complex.
You know,
there's 86 billion neurons
in your brain,
and there's trillions
and trillions
of synaptic connections,
and so there are
lots of different ways
that those systems
can be dysregulated
or dysfunctional.
We have all kinds of
medications and interventions,
and they're very important,
but we're starting to
understand a little better now
that there is
so much that we can do,
and adversity is not destiny.
And what the data
and the evidence tells us
is that sleep, exercise,
nutrition, mindfulness,
healthy relationships,
exposure to nature
are also important.
I'm very in the moment
out on land like this,
and I'm very aware
of the wind and the light
and the tracks in the snow
and the smells and the rocks
and thesilence.
The idea that I
can come back to this
at this point in my life
is huge.
I always wanted
to be an actor.
Take it!
I never thought
of being a star.
I thought of being an actor
pretending to be someone else,
which we did all the time
when we were little.
From when I was 7
to when I was 22,
I was in this group
called MRA.
And it was basically a cult.
Everybody spouted
the same things,
and there was a lot of rules,
a lot of control.
Because of how we were raised,
anything that you thought
you would do for yourself
was considered selfish.
We never went
on family vacations
or didn't have
any collective memory
about stuff other
than what we went through.
It was really awful.
We were so broken up.
I mean, it's astounding
that something
that you went through
at such an early stage
in your life
still has such a potential
to be destructive.
I think
that's childhood trauma.
Because of the devastation
emotional and psychological
of the cult,
I have not been successful
in my relationships
and finding
a permanent partner,
and I'm sorry about that.
I think it's our natural state
to be connected like that.
But I don't think
you ever change
your trigger points,
but at least
you can be aware of them
and at least you can
maybe avoid situations
that might
make you vulnerable,
especially in relationships.
That's probably
why we all have our dogs.
But here I am
at this point in my life,
after 45 years
that I've been an actress,
getting comfort
and companionship
on a regular basis
from my family.
I've come home to them.
They don't like
to be thrown like that.
Speak for your own dice.
That, for me, has
psychologically grounded me
in very important ways.
Glenny, God damn it!
Tina, watch your mouth.
Well, I won the first game.
Don't forget that.
I haven't.
Never.
And now I'm living in Montana
with my family.
You've added a lot of energy
to the mix, 'cause you
have a lot of energy,
and you do a lot of stuff,
but it's good.
You'vesort of livened me up.
I've come back to my family.
I'm connected to them,
where I used to be
a whole country away
from them for all my career.
I do, hi!
Morning!
Morning.
Hi, everyone!
Hey.
Jessie was always
considered the wild one,
theyou know, the rebel,
theyou know,
pull up your socks,
do something with yourself,
get a job, get an education.
The transmission
of the VW van
fell out on the freeway.
What state were you in?
Arizona.
- I mean what mental state.
- Oh, who knows.
Probably manic.
Oh, God.
But when she came up to me
one summer
when we all happened to be
at my parents' house
in Wyoming,
and they wereI remember,
I think her kids
were already
loaded in her car,
and she came up to me
across the driveway,
and she said, "I need help.
I can't stop thinking
about killing myself."
And
For me, it was a shock.
She ended up
in McLean Hospital.
I took her there.
She was finally, at age 50,
properly diagnosed
as bipolar 1
with psychotic tendencies.
And Jessie told me
she was afraid
that if parents found out
that she had bipolar 1,
that they wouldn't allow
their children
to play with her daughter.
I still have
a little hesitation
and embarrassment
when I say I'm manic depressive
or bipolar 1,
whatever they call it.
The hard truth
when somebody says to me,
"I got bipolar disorder.
How come?"
The answer is, "I don't know."
And that's the hard truth.
A percentage of people
millions
will develop that condition.
We don't really know why.
It's humbling
that we don't know why,
but for most
medical conditions,
we actually
don't know why either.
I'm quite steady now.
I no longer
have psychotic thoughts.
Before I went to the hospital,
I had a squirrel that kept
going around and around
and around in my brain,
and it would say,
"Kill yourself.
Kill yourself.
Kill yourself.
Kill yourself."
And it wasn't until
I was on the proper medication
that the creature
left me alone,
which wasI can't
even imagine it now.
I justyeah.
It's not fun
having a voice in your head
telling you
that you need to commit suicide
all the time,
and if it wasn't
for my children,
I probably would've
commit suicide.
I couldn't do that to them.
An example of just sort of chaos.
That's got, like
I probably painted on that,
like, four times.
There's gotta be something
going on in my brain
'cause I really get heavy
over here on the left,
and then have trouble
moving over to
the right side of the canvas.
My eldest son Calen
was diagnosed schizophrenic
when he was 18.
He's 38 now.
Calen was psychotic.
We didn't know what to do.
I remember
he stood out in the yard
and pointed to the TV antenna
and said,
"Do you know why that's there?"
And I said, "Well, yeah,
for the TV reception."
And he said, "No,
they're keeping track of us."
So we got him
into McLean Hospital.
He was there for two years
and that was
a very, very painful,
trying time.
He would call me and say,
"Please bring me home.
Please."
And I'd have to say, "No."
And that would trigger me.
It was difficult.
When did you talk
to Dr. Levy last?
I talked to her yesterday.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I talked to her today.
- Mm.
Yeah, that's good.
I think I'm pretty consistent,
and it has been
for a long time,
so it's just these kind of
simple, little check-ins,
and, you know,
we don't go into anything
too deep or heavy
or anythingthese days anyway.
- We've both come a long way.
- Yeah.
I mean, just keep
changing yourself
for the better and just
not getting into those
grandiose, you know, thoughts
that don't do any good
and don't lead anywhere good.
Do you still have
to stop thoughts?
Sure.
Not a lot.
I don't fight with it.
You still get paranoid?
- No, not really.
- I do.
Yeah.
Having schizophrenia,
it means that I
have a relationship
with my psychiatrist,
and I see her,
and I take medication,
but I don't think about it
too much.
The term "mental illness,"
it feels like
a categorization.
I mean, I will admit
that, you know,
there is
some negative aspects,
but there's also
a lot of positive stuff too,
and the positive stuff
has to do with just insight
into myself
but also into the world.
Mental health in our country
is greatly underserved,
and here in Bozeman,
there's only maybe
three or four
real psychiatrists.
I have usually mothers
calling me and asking,
"What can I do?
My son is out of his mind,
and I can't get
into a psychiatrist."
We need more psychiatrists
in Bozeman,
and so I'm trying
to get a psych ward
stabilization
and evaluation unit
up at our hospital.
Thank you all for coming.
This is our second meeting
trying to get help
for the people we love
who suffer
from mental illness.
It's a big deal,
especially when
your late teen child
is getting psychotic.
We need a place
to take our children
when they areout of control.
So we would like
to bring a psych ward
to Bozeman.
Montana has the highest
suicide rate in the country,
and Bozeman is one
of the fastest growing cities
in the country,
so for there
to be an argument still left
that this sort of level
of need is not present
doesn't make
a ton of sense to me.
Can we start
with somebody in crisis?
What exactly
would be their journey?
Family's calling 911.
Mom is upset.
Son is making threats.
Obviously we have to go there
as law enforcement first.
Once we can control the scene,
then we have
a mental health professional
come in and evaluate them.
If they decide that they
have to go someplace,
we put them in a vehicle,
and if they're uncooperative
and they are a threat,
then I have to take
a detention officer
out of the jail,
have a deputy
and a detention officer
take that person
across the state.
When I first started
26 years ago,
I'll never forget bringing
a woman that I could've swore
was my grandmother in crisis,
and our policy
was we had to handcuff them,
and I had to take her two hours
to Warm Springs in the back
of my patrol car handcuffed,
and I'm like,
"how is this helping anyone?"
When hospitals used to be run by nuns
or doctors,
you were with the patient,
so you had
that neurological reaction
most of usof wanting
to try to help the person,
but if you're off
as an administrator
in a desk someplace
without that stimulus
of wanting to help
that other human being,
it's really easy to just look
at dollars and cents
or fancy units or remodels
and not realize
the suffering that's resulting.
If Bozeman Health
has hesitations,
it's predominantly
around the desire
to do what we do
spectacularly well,
and I think
we have some nervousness.
If we go into the Super Bowl,
which is, you know,
maybe my analogy
for inpatient psychiatric care
compared to some
of the clinical work
that we're doing now,
we wanna make sure
we're good at it.
But if you're waiting
to be good,
- when are you gonna start?
- Yeah.
I mean, you start
with a basic team
of passionate people,
and you build a system.
See, so the fact that you're
nervous about not being good,
to me, doesn't
it doesn't apply.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I appreciate that.
I don't think it applies.
You know, my kids,
if they're suicidal,
they don't deserve
any less, right?
I mean, so if they're suicidal,
I don't need
to take them to the Super Bowl
of psychiatric care.
I just need
to get 'em in the door.
You know, when you invest
in building
that kind of resource
in your local community
and you staff it
with people who
are your neighbors,
it becomes really compassionate
and connected care.
There's no way to be
mentally well as an island.
It just doesn't happen.
My sisters and my kids
represent stability for me,
so it's a dream come true
that we're all here.
This issue,
if it's in our family,
and if we're dealing
with this kind of pain
and this kind of fright
and this kind
of sense of shame,
there are millions
of other families
who are going
through the same thing.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye, darling.
My story is fully-realized
when I'm with my family.
People die without connection.
That's how we're wired.
I've got real optimism
and hope for the way
that every single one of us
approach life
perhaps slightly differently
and with more empathy
and compassion to each other,
but when it comes
to the conversation
around mental health,
there's a generational gap
that I see.
I'm not saying
it's about everybody
that's beyond a certain age,
but there is
quite a stark difference there
because they've
never been encouraged
to from their parents
to be able
to have a different perspective
and to look
at something differently
to what you have
always looked at it.
The benefits that come
with that are vast.
They're huge.
To be able to mix the two
the experience
of the older generation
and the emotional intelligence
of the younger generation,
that in itself
I think would be
an enormously
powerful thing
Because when you're young,
you feel everything.
Growing up, I knew
I was different somehow.
There was no one
to talk to about it.
There was no internet.
There was no Google.
It was only your mind.
It was only your heart
that speaks for you.
And until and unless
I speak out
nobody is going to understand
what I am going through.
A little on the side.
Shall I cut a bit on the sides?
I am worried.
There is not much hair left, see.
Soon will become bald.
Identity and mental wellness,
it's inseparable.
For a queer child
while growing up,
they don't speak up openly
because of the fear.
And it affected my health.
I didn't find a space anywhere
where I could say
that I am safe.
Manipur is a region
which has been in conflict
all the time.
It's on the border
of India and Myanmar,
so you are living somewhere
which is very isolated
Conflicted
because of militarization.
You are constantly afraid.
You are constantly scared.
India is one of
the most unequal countries
in the world.
Sexual minorities
have always been oppressed.
In fact, they were criminalized
until only a few years ago
because the Indian state
continued to embrace
a British colonial law.
It's traumatic for me
to pass this route
all the time.
I was on a date with a man.
It was raining really heavily,
so we thought
we will just take shelter
for some time.
There used to be a gate here.
We were just waiting
for the rain to stop.
One police jeep came in
and started asking questions
like, "What are you doing?"
I had taken out my papers
saying that, you know,
I am a student.
I had a student ID.
I am a student.
You know, I am
just home for vacation.
You know, five, six of them
jumped down the jeep
andwith all
the lathis and guns,
and started beating us up.
Stopped us
and started beating us up
like animals.
Made us kneel
and put my hands like this.
And when I was kneeling down,
I sensed something.
Then they had put the gun
in my head here.
You know, and this is how
I'm going to dieat gunpoint.
The shame, the guilt,
it doesn't let me
overcome the trauma.
That incident put me
back where the society
told me that I should be,
the closet again.
I started developing issues
around my anxiety, stress,
and PTSD.
I really wanted
to feel belonged.
I really wanted to feel cared
and to be with someone
who makes you feel comfortable.
I, again,
had gone out on a date.
He started asking me
if I had ever done Hi-Fun.
"It's okay.
It's like weed."
Or something.
All I remember
is we did that for two days.
I realized I just met.
This substance
made me feel belonged.
It was so strong that I
just couldn't stop myself.
And there was a day
when I overdosed finally.
Until and unless
you experience it yourself,
you know, people don't know.
People judge you.
Very easily,
they will judge you.
When I was recovering
there was a worse case,
and I think no one expected
also that
that would happen to me.
But I knew also that I
could not explain to our mother
what is the situation
and what he's
going through and all.
The only thing I told my mother
is he's not well
and isand in bed in hospital,
so I have to go,
or somebody needs
to be there with him.
It was difficult.
It was terrible.
You don't know
what's happening to you.
For our family, we accept this.
What he'swhen I hope
even society also
slowly, slowly
it will take time
'cause there are
a lot of people
who think that we have
to maintain our tradition.
I also never felt like
that is something
which we should be talking.
In every family
and in the society also,
no one talks
about mental health.
I am weak.
I am vulnerable.
Through my sexuality,
I am vulnerable.
My health condition,
I am vulnerable.
I abuse substance,
I am vulnerable.
And from the place where I am,
I am vulnerable
to many forms of conflict
so as long as, you know,
I was hiding all these things
and thinking that I
am weak all the time,
it made me more weaker,
but when I accepted
that, yes, I am vulnerable,
all these things,
things started changing.
I started thinking,
"what is it
that I really want?
What is missing?"
So I started
building my own space
because everything
has been so suppressed inside.
This is a space I am free.
I can be anyone.
I can be how I want to be
And recover
from what I had gone through.
That was then when,
you know, I created Ya All
whereto just assist somebody
if they are in need.
Phone number they could call up
if they are in crisis
and it started from there.
It was my safe space,
which later on
became everyone's safe space
Listening to your situation,
you seemed very anxious.
It's so upsetting
listening to your story.
And somehow,
I started finding
my own therapy for myself.
If one has issues
with their mental health
or had a visit to the psychiatrist,
they are either labeled as lunatics or
stereotyped by the society from before.
Queer people,
when they go to a service provider,
at a first moment,
they are, you know,
laughed at,
stigmatized, discriminated,
so they don't feel
like going back there again.
It's hard to find people
who are queer affirmative.
It's hard to find people
who are youth friendly.
When the problem happened
to me,
I realized what must be happening
to other people who
do not have this much access.
You haven't talked to
anybody about this,
but if you keep it to yourself,
it will only bother you more.
We are talking
about sexual health,
reproductive health,
mental health,
LGBTI issues,
people living with HIV,
psychosocial disabilities
just to make them understand
or just to make them feel
how they are.
I myself am an intersex.
Such situations had existed from before,
but the issues are new.
What we are facing now
is that I myself have
not changed my gender,
but we can't let this
happen in this work.
We started
making Ya All
as a connecting point
by empowering their peers,
training them,
and making them informative
about what are the resources
available in your areas.
We used to isolate
from the society
and stay
as our own group together
as a queer community,
but the way we took
was we tried different tools
like literature,
tools like media, like sports,
which helped connect
to the mainstream society.
In 2020,
we created a complete team
of transgender persons.
We wanted
to break the stereotype
that, you know,
transgender persons
or a queer person
can play equally
if given the platform.
Even if my family supports me,
the society always has
something to talk about.
I feel very sad when my family
pressures me due to society.
When I join Ya All, I feel happy
that there is a group for transmen only.
If you have a passion,
it's up to you to utilize
the platform we provide.
If you need support
to achieve your passion,
Ya All will always extend support.
I tried to fit in at first.
I was born a female,
so I tried to fit in.
Previously I have long hair,
but now I have short hair.
He has no boyfriend like before.
It seems like you are
disrespecting to me.
When I go out, there are comments
that I am a boy or girl.
I take it as a joke,
but it hurts inside.
Mama, bye bye!
Bye bye.
Many young people
from queer community
didn't get the spaces
where they
could be themselves.
They could not come out
and be productive.
So many of them
perished on the way here
because of a conflict
with the family,
within themselves.
Many died by suicide.
Many took up many, you know,
got into substance abuse
and everything
only because there was
no one to listen to them.
I have not learned
mental health as a degree.
I have lived it,
so I am a living example
of how you use
your personal story
as a professional way
to connect with people.
Ya All,
if we read in Manipuri,
it means revolution.
Ya All also,
if you pronounce in English,
it means "you all."
Inclusive, everyone.
So if you connect them both,
it's like
an inclusive revolution
Ya All, you all.
Yeah.
When you engage in helping others,
teaching others,
changing the system,
advocating at a legislature,
doing a program like this,
you're taking this thing
which has visited you
which you may feel
places you in a position
of helplessness,
and it changes the equation
very profoundly.
You become an agent of change.
You become somebody
who knows what it's like.
They want
to make the world better
for the next generation
of people.
Now, you and I
coming from separate worlds,
both understanding,
though, the value
and how vital it is
to get other people
in the world to recognize
- what their brain's health
- Yeah.
And what mental wellness means
and how much it matters.
You've come to it
for a different reason, but
than I havebut both of us
are using what has happened
in our own livesfor me,
it's my relationship
with all the girls
I've tried to help
and also recognizing
that most important question
of "what happened to you?"
And for you,
it's your own personal journey.
- Combined with my work as well.
- Combined with your work.
It was the work before,
it was the personal experience
or the realization
the awakening, let's call it.
So you left
- Started a new life
- Yep.
To maintain your sanity
and well-being for your family.
Do you still feel
controlled by them?
The media,
do they still have a hold
on you feeling controlled?
No, they're desperately trying
to control the narrative
because they know
that if they lose it,
then the truth will come out.
We are starting today
with a story
dominating headlines
around the world this morning.
Last night,
after weeks of speculation,
we finally got to hear
Harry and Meghan's story
as they sat down with Oprah
for a tell-all interview.
Meghan was suffering
from suicidal thoughts,
and Harry was
what in he called,
"a dark place."
I like to think that we were able
to speak truth
in the most
compassionate way possible,
therefore leaving an opening
for reconciliation and healing.
The couple revealed intimate details
of their rift
including a claim
that one member
of the royal household
had expressed concern to Harry
about how dark
his children would be.
The interview was about being real,
being authentic,
and hopefully
sharing experience
that we know
is incredibly relatable
to a lot of people
around the world
despite our unique,
privileged position.
But before the Oprah interview
had aired,
because of their headlines
and that combined effort
of the firm and the media
to smear her,
I was woken up
in the middle of the night
to her crying in her pillow
because she doesn't want
to wake me up because
I'm already carrying too much.
That's heartbreaking.
I held her.
We talked.
She cried,
and she cried, and she cried.
Therapy has equipped me
to be able
to take on anything.
That's why I'm here now.
That's why my wife
is here now.
Without therapy
and without doing the work,
we would not be able
to withstand this.
I've never had
any anger through this.
I've always had compassion.
Making this move
was really scary.
Like,
at every possible opportunity,
the forces
that were working against us
tried to make it impossible.
Did I expect to find ourselves
in this situation
so quickly?
No.
I think we've done
a really good job,
and I have no regrets.
It's incredibly sad,
but I have no regrets at all
because now I'm in a place
where I feel as though
I should have been
four years ago.
Hello.
- Hi.
- How are you?
I'm now more comfortable
in my own skin.
I don't get panic attacks.
I've learned more about
myself in the last four years
than I have in the 32 years
before that.
I have my wife
to thank for that.
Well, anyway,
now what do you want to do?
What happened?
You know, we've got
a beautiful, little boy,
and he keeps us busy,
keeps us running around.
He makes us laugh every day,
which is great.
We got two dogs.
And then another
little baby girl on the way.
I never dreamt that.
- Yay, the end!
- Good job!
Yeah, I have no doubt
that my mum would be
incredibly proud of me.
I'm living the life that she
wanted to live for herself,
living the life that she
wanted us to be able to live,
sonot only do I know
that she's
incredibly proud of me,
but that she's helped me
get here.
And I've never felt
her presence more
as I have done
over the last year.
I wish she could have
met Meghan.
I wish she was
around for Archie.
Whoo!
Whoosh!
I got you!
I got a photo up
in his nursery,
and it was one of
the first words that he said
apart from "Mama," "Papa,"
it was then "Grandma."
"Grandma Diana."
It's the sweetest thing,
but at the same time,
it makes me really sad
because she should be here.
Now I'm on my way
to having healed that part
of my life,
those younger years,
and having
a clarity of perspective
that I never, ever thought
that I would get.
I'm still the person
that I was,
but I'm just
a better version of that.
I kind of feel as though
this was always meant to be.
It's hard to put yourself out there
and share your stories,
and certainly
hard to do it on a national,
international scale.
So for every person
who has agreed to be followed
and profiled
for this series
I think we owe
a debt of gratitude to them
For nothing less than courage.
To allow their stories
to be shared in such a way,
as an example to the world
of what it means
What I'm hoping
is that people
will see themselves
in this series.
What's clearly in front of us
is a human being
who's suffering.
Sometimes you
just needed to have somebody
that can just hug you
or can just sit there
and listen to how you feel,
and it's no judgement.
Too often we don't get the time
to create that space
to understand one another.
If we're gonna hurt,
we're gonna hurt together.
Surround yourself
with at least one person
that validates you,
somebody that believes you.
Because we try
We learn new things.
Caring for others
is one of
the most powerful routes
to healing yourself
and supporting
your own recovery.
Human to human, it's so beautiful.
The best things for ourselves
when we're hurting is
another loving, compassionate
person or animal.
Connection to anybody
that cares about you
makes a world of difference.