The Middleman s01e05 Episode Script
The Flying Fish Zombification
[Middleman.]
Previously on The Middleman: This the part where I ask you who the hell you are - and what the hell you do? - Our mandate is protect people from threats, infra, extra and juxtaterrestrial.
Not to become consumed with the mundane problems of everyday life.
Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.
Hi, Wendy's boss.
Apparently you have something for me.
Oh, this is for you? My skin thanks you kindly, Lacey, as do I.
- [grunts.]
- Ahh! Sensei Ping is the most lethal man alive.
Since he has agreed to train me into a killing machine to be a better sidekick, there are three things I must remember.
I'm a confrontational spoken word performance artist.
I confront.
I speak.
- What do you do, Dub-Dub? - I'm a visual artist.
[Dubbie.]
I am your best friend.
Wow, Mom.
Exiled Cuban tenors.
Yeah.
I'll make sure I'm watching Canal Cinco this Friday at nine.
Yeah, Mom.
Actually I am writing Aunt Sarita a thank you note for that "Little Havana is for Lovers" needlepoint throw pillow this very second.
Yes Mother, I am very aware of how difficult it is to needlepoint when you have plantar fasciitis.
What was her address again? [crashing.]
[speaking Spanish.]
Drive, yeah.
Got it.
I'll put it in the mail right now.
OK.
Gotta run.
Love you.
Have you said thank you today? For the fact that your mother I assume that by "your mother" you mean Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD.
That Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD has a full and interesting life and doesn't need to micro-manage yours? For the fact she only calls once a year and that's to rationalize for missing my birthday? Could you hand me that lid over there to close that can of worms I just opened? You're the lucky one, Dub-Dub.
Phone calls, care packages, greeting cards Well, I guess I do love her in all her hectoring Latina glory.
When was the last time you talked to Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD, anyway? Knife.
Twisting.
If she's finished heading that pediatric cardiac surgery unit in the Ukraine, maybe you could invite her to Art Crawl.
Yeah, right, 'cause I'm sure that Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD is just dying to come to an art show hosted by her daughter, her cynical roommate and their bohemian friends.
- I'm ironic, not cynical.
- You're on peyote.
Seriously, what's the harm in asking? We created Art Crawl so we could show our work off to the world.
Why shouldn't Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD get to be here at least once to bear witness and have some grain punch? - Art crawl! - Art crawl! [dialing phone.]
Hello, may I speak to Dr.
Thornfield? It's her daughter.
She only has one.
Lacey Thornfield.
Yes, I'll hold.
- [woman.]
Lacey? - Dr.
Thornfield? Hey, it's me.
So I know I haven't spoken to you in forever, but I've actually been thinking of you a lot and I'm performing tonight at Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were my mom.
Yes, I'll continue to hold.
One month the theme was Art Crawl Department Store, and our floor was women's intimates, so Lacey and I hung bras from the ceiling and I get the feeling you don't share my enthusiasm.
Then I'm wearing the right expression.
I wish I had time to prepare you for your first session with Sensei Ping.
- He's trying to say it's been nice knowing you.
- It's not gonna be that bad.
The man loves pain and suffering like tornadoes love trailer parks.
I get it, I get it, it's like Bruce Lee coming back from the dead.
And beating you with his own coffin.
Sensei Ping has destroyed a hundred wannabe Middlemen.
He'll cut you down like Satan's gnarly fist.
Really? You mean I could fail out of this? Dubbie.
You're my hand-picked.
I know you'll do well in there.
I'm here to support you every step of the way.
You did sign a living will, right? - Ida! - Sensei Ping made you cry.
- He did? - Yeah.
And the big green cheese is supposed to be Sensei Ping's favorite apprentice.
- He made you cry? - In times of extreme stress, crying is an inevitable physiological response.
Sure it is, cupcake.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
[kung fu fighting sounds.]
[electrical zapping.]
- [cat squealing.]
- [thumping.]
I'm devoid of human emotion and that made me want to wince.
You should have been more supportive of her.
The psychological advantage is crucial.
Oh, sure.
I'll get to it, after I powder your diaper.
[loud crashing, glass breaking.]
That's it.
We lost her.
I'll get the bugle and the flag.
That was awesome! That was the best thing ever! The teaching! The learning! The laughter! The bonding! I swept the leg.
[kung fu grunting.]
I guess Sensei Ping's got a new favorite.
[theme music.]
Middleman I thought the chances of Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD making a same day appointment were one in negative one.
It was so weird.
I called, I held for like 45 minutes and then I asked and she said yes.
You just blew my mind.
Almost didn't happen, too.
At first Francis busted into the line and said she couldn't come.
- Who's Francis? - Her assistant.
Your mom's assistant listens in to your conversations? She always has someone monitoring her calls in case Henry Kissinger's trying to reach her.
Oh, right, Kissinger.
My bad.
So he mentioned something about some sort of honorary degree in Abu Dhabi and then Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD said to reschedule the flight.
She's never rescheduled for me.
I hope this doesn't mean she's dying.
- [Middlewatch beeping.]
- Oh look, it's my Weird work-related video pager that no other temp I've ever seen has? Exactly.
Do you mind if I Call Sexy-Bossman's crabby assistant? Nope.
Be my guest.
I'll get hooks.
Hey, Ida.
Can this wait? - Sure thing, sweetie.
Catch you later.
- Really? No.
Drop the fattie and get over here.
Some chicky just went monkey fudge on her husband.
They were taking a camping trip for their honeymoon - and she attacked him with an RV.
- Driving? - Throwing.
- Wince.
Right before she tried eating his flesh.
- I'll be right there.
- Oh, thank heavens.
I think we should hang the gun-toting ape outside the door.
I might have to do the hanging later because Something came up at work.
- something came up at work.
- I didn't see that coming.
- I'm not ditching Art Crawl.
- Better not.
Lacey, Art Crawl is my mecca.
I'm just gonna take care of some stuff and I'll run back home.
- Art Crawl! - Art Crawl! A woman could throw an RV at her husband for several reasons.
Perhaps it was steroids.
Perhaps she was bitten by a bat with a new and powerful strain of rabies.
Perhaps Perhaps she realized her husband took her camping for their honeymoon.
Camping is a perfectly viable alternative to expensive international travel.
Sure, Opie, whatever you say.
My point is, I don't think it was any of the above.
The way this story is unfolding, the rural setting, the civilian who suddenly turns into a ravenous flesh eater My gut says we may be dealing with the seminal stages of a zombie outbreak.
Entrail-ripping, brain-chewing zombies? - The very same.
- Cool.
Dubbie, there is nothing cool about zombies.
- Mr.
Argent? - Hey.
Miss Blunstone and I are claims adjusters with Time of the Season Unlimited Mutual.
- Would you mind telling us how you got here? - Sure.
Bonnie Blue and me took the turnpike as far as Bristoltown, then decided the mountains would look nicer from the parkway, so we cut over - Why don't you start with last night? - Oh.
Well.
I'd caught and cleaned up a couple of trout for dinner.
Had trout gore all over me.
Anyway, Bonnie was washing up by the pond.
But she came back all scary.
Gray skin, yellow eyes, sharp teeth and green slime shot out her mouth.
- Ahh.
- She tackled me.
Felt heavier than a fridge.
With a sink in it.
That didn't seem right.
She's tiny.
But we rolled around like that.
Her trying to chew my face off.
Me trying to keep her from chewing my face off.
Finally I whacked her with a log from the fire and ran to the woods.
That's when the camper came crashing over the trees.
This really isn't like her.
Mr.
Argent, I must ask you something very important now.
Did Bonnie Blue bite you? - Before or after going nuts? - Uh, I'm guessing after.
Miss Blunstone, would you please draw the curtain? I hate this part of the job.
Uh did I miss something? That man's wife is a zombie and she bit him.
If he's not a zombie yet, it's not far off.
He displays all the signs: distant, lethargic, emotionless.
- I think that's called morphine.
- You've seen movies, Dubbie.
Zombies beget zombies.
The only way to stop them is to completely destroy the brain.
Come on, isn't there something else? Do you have any idea how serious a zombie outbreak is? A Middleman died in a zombie outbreak, to come back from the dead as a zombie.
His Middleman-in-training had to shoot him.
- You want to shoot me? - No.
We have to stop the outbreak before it starts, by putting one between this man's eyes, we will save countless lives.
Oh, God, please don't kill me! Congratulations, sir.
Zombies lack any sense of self-preservation, which means you are definitely not a zombie.
You're not gonna shoot me? Completely unnecessary.
Get well soon! You are certifiable.
You just threatened to kill that innocent, defenseless man.
I had to know he wasn't a zombie, Dubbie, and time is of the essence.
As Sensei Ping always says, "The goat who tarries is a friend of death.
" But he also says the badger shouldn't bare its teeth when peace sits at the tea table.
He said that to you? Is that some kind of a big deal? It's an "aces high according to Hoyle" fantastic deal.
[Middlewatch beeping.]
What is it, Ida? Zombie attack in progress.
Just outside of town.
Flowers for Algernon! We're on our way.
What is it, Noser? Pip's being all territorial again.
Yo Pip, hands off Wendy's stuff.
I have to make room for my paintings.
You're not hanging your paintings outside my door.
- You have wall space on the fifth floor.
- No one ever goes there.
Not my fault you drew a place next to a guy who makes creepy phallic sculptures.
Now put Wendy's stuff back and sweep out the elevator.
Think you might want to be a little easier on Pip? His dad does own the building.
Sorry for snapping, Pip.
You can hang one painting.
How about your nude self-portrait? - That's my sister.
- Hey now.
Awkward.
So, you hear about who's coming to Art Crawl? Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD? - I thought she was disarming landmines in Bosnia.
- No.
That was last year.
What are you gonna do for Art Crawl? - Stump the Band.
- Stump the Band! I wanted to retire it, but Stump the Band has become something greater than myself, and it will not be denied.
Hey, Lacey, since you two are doing spoken-word, I should perform my epic monologue, "Hey, Mr.
God.
" Mmm.
Mm-mmm.
I've got gluten-free bread to bake.
Oh! Hey, Noser, make sure you wear your purple jacket tonight.
It's adorable.
Yeah.
You heard the lady.
Adorable.
Art Crawl, baby.
Art Crawl.
[people screaming.]
Ladies and gentlemen, we're from the Atkinson Memorial Insane Asylum.
Please move away from the building.
- Which way do we go? - In situations like this folks are running from danger.
That makes our job easy.
Run toward it.
Trout! - Did that woman just say trout? - I was gonna ask you.
Trout! - Help me put her in the car.
- How do we know she's out for the long haul? One great session with Sensei Ping doesn't make you Sonny Chiba.
I just wanna make sure Bride of Frankenstein doesn't go crazy on us at 64 miles an hour.
I juiced this lady with enough tranquilizer to take down a Bengal elephant.
- Trout! - [zapping.]
Two Bengal elephants.
[panting.]
Trout.
This is a real head-scratcher, Dubbie.
I've seen every kind of zombie and they always crave the same thing: the flesh of the living.
Never once have I seen a zombie demand - Trout.
- Maybe it means "brains" in another language.
Not in any of the 18 Earth languages in which I'm fluent.
- Can't we just feed her trout? - Would you give a dope fiend their fix? - Don't answer that.
- It might stop her cravings, but it's not exactly a cure.
Well, at least we have her in our custody, and the outbreak is contained Isn't she cute? She thinks she's gonna get out in time to hang paint with her bolshie friends.
Guess again.
Honeymooner's heart rate's increasing half a beat every thousand and five seconds.
- Which means? - Trout.
One: she still has a heartbeat, so there may just be a way to pull her back from her zombified state.
And two: if we don't find an antidote, her heart's gonna explode like a sausage casing full of weasels.
I'm just gonna go ahead and run Bonnie's blood through HEAL.
That's the Hemo-Electric Antidote Locator.
- I didn't ask.
- We need to find the cause of this zombification and pronto.
Oh, phooey.
Don't be sad, crumpet.
The art world's loss will be everyone's gain tonight.
Put a sock in it, Circuit City.
Let's jet.
[Wendy.]
So, I was thinking, maybe you should let me drive today.
Why? Well, you know, I'm learning, training.
Sensei Ping thinks I'm pretty good, and I do have a Middlemobile of my own.
I don't know if you're road ready.
We could get into some kind of high-speed chase situation Against zombies? I admire your ambition, But given the spotty history Middlemen have had with zombies, I think maybe I should stay behind the wheel on this one.
Sure, you could do all the driving, but you know what Sensei Ping says.
The turtledove who grows content in the nest loses his wings at dawn.
Sensei Ping is a wise man.
So OK, guys, just remember, there's no valet parking this month - because Joe 90 lost his license - [groaning.]
- Oh, not to the cops.
He literally just lost it.
- [relieved sighs.]
Also, to cut down on confusion I've made the recycling into 11 easy categories, so I better not find any more high density polyethylene in with the low density stuff.
OK? And that's it.
Keep up the great work, guys.
Go, Art Crawl! - Art Crawl! - Yes.
Looking good, Noser.
I've got the city's best stylist.
- How do I look, Lacey? - Oh Pip, you're like a little ray of sunshine.
I'm supposed to look dangerous.
[both laughing.]
Wendy's gonna wish she saw that.
[cell phone ringing.]
Oh, it's my mom.
Dr? What? Henry Kissinger? Tonight? No.
No, of course I understand.
[Middleman.]
What about the Arm of Oblivion? That the one where you drive your arm straight out then hook it back into their throat? Hot diggety dog.
Sensei Ping said I was the first pupil capable of that move.
What about Danger Toes? - Oh, that one's fun.
- What about the Three Terrors? [kung fu grunting.]
- You jealous or something? - Jealous of what? You've been grilling me about Sensei Ping all day.
- I'm proud.
- Proud? Dubbie, I selected you for this job.
If you survive Sensei Ping, I made the right choice.
If you impress Sensei Ping, well then, that's just a humdinger then, isn't it? You're not even a little jealous? What little mental space I have for negativity is currently taken up by my concern for the young bride whose life we need to save and the impending zombie apocalypse facing the world.
- Gosh Ace, then I'd better drive faster.
- [cell phone rings.]
Yo.
So, guess who's not coming to Art Crawl? - Oh, crap.
What happened? - Henry Kissinger.
That guy.
Cambodia.
Chile.
Now Art Crawl.
And I guess you hate me too for making you ask Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD to come.
In that profoundly messed-up way that the children of narcissistic workaholics displace their anger from the parents to the people who truly love them, absolutely.
- Sorry.
You holding up OK? - Yeah.
- But not really? - Yeah.
- I just wish I didn't care.
- It's only natural to care.
She's your mom.
But you know what? You've still got your friends, and we're your real family.
And if Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD can't be bothered to come, it's her stupid loss.
Look, I don't want to nag, but if work's gonna keep you away tonight, could you tell me now? I'd rather get my coping over with before my performance.
Look, I'm coming, OK? I may not be able to hang my paintings, but I'm gonna be there to watch you perform.
In fact, zombies couldn't keep me away.
You're the best.
- Art Crawl! - Art Crawl! [Dubbie.]
So, what are we looking for? Canisters of radioactive waste, vats of medical garbage, anything that would have turned that poor woman into a trout-craving zombie.
Did you alter your equipment? Yeah.
Pretty cool, huh? Looks like somebody's jealous.
Nothing is cooler than standard black.
Except skulls.
Well, I prefer standard black.
Well, you know what Sensei Ping says about skulls.
Did you mean what you told Lacey? You mean about going to Art Crawl? Yeah.
We should cover as much ground in as short a period of time so as to insure success.
[Middlewatch beeping.]
What is it, Ida? I've got good news, bad news, more bad news and worse news.
First the good news.
I know what made our blushing bride a freakazoid.
She got bitten by a Peruvian Flying Pike.
- Did you say flying pike? - Whoa! It's an extremely rare and dangerous trout predator, native only to remote regions of South America.
Completely illegal to import or breed.
How in the customs agency did one get up here? I dunno, but it's a bad sign.
The pike bites anything that moves, and its venom instantly turns victims into mindless, trout-craving zombies.
So it's the venom.
That must be why Bonnie's bite didn't affect her husband.
He had no direct contact with a pike, just with Bonnie.
- Plinko! - So have you found an antidote? Yeah, but there's a catch.
Pun intended.
To make the antidote you'll need pineal fluid from a Flying Pike.
Gosh darn it, what are my chances of finding one of those? In time to keep the blushing bride's heart in her chest? Slim to none.
And it gets better.
For the antidote to work, it's vital, I repeat vital, the Flying Pike must be alive.
Right.
So if we want to stop a zombie apocalypse and save the life of an innocent young woman, we must capture the fish alive.
Got it.
Ida.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
This is terrible.
If by terrible you mean fantastic, zombie cause destroying, antidote finding, get me to Art Crawl goodness, then, yeah.
Dubbie, we needed that extremely rare and possibly unique Peruvian Flying Pike alive.
It's the only way to make an antidote.
Don't get all up on my grill.
Like Sensei Ping says, study the fish's tail if you want to know how to move forward.
The Odessey fishery? I'll be in the car.
Must be enough Peruvian Flying Pike here to trigger trout zombie armageddon.
- Who'd wanna do that? - I don't know, but I intend to find out.
[growling.]
[man.]
Care to tell me what you're doing here? [guns cock.]
Stand back, Dubbie.
I'll handle this.
- Wanna do Pain's River? - Sensei Ping taught you Pain's River? - Yeah, like first thing.
- The Pain's River? With the knees and the knuckles? Do you want to talk about Pain's River or do Pain's River? I want to see Lacey's show.
Do you want top or bottom? All right, shotgun-Joe, your little fish farm's the first stop on a zombie assembly line and I wanna know who's pulling the strings.
- No.
He'll kill me.
- Who? Please.
I can't.
Sounds to me like someone wants another trip down Pain's River.
No! Anything but that.
He's called Mr.
White.
I don't know his first name.
Once a month he sends a truck, picks up more pike, doesn't tell me why.
He pays cash.
I've never even seen his face.
- Anything else? - No.
That's all I know, I swear.
Sensei Ping says he's never seen a man who can lie in the face of Pain's River.
- So, are we done here? - Hardly.
We have to call the Fish and Wildlife commission and drop a dime on these villains, collect several pike, take them back, synthesize an antidote and save Bonnie Blue from certain death.
You get on the horn to Fish and Wildlife.
I'm gonna go to the car and get some gloves.
And after that, Art Crawl! OK guys, there's only time for a few more songs, so who wants to try and Stump the Band? Kung-Fu Fighting.
Yeah, I know it.
Scream Your Love For Me! - By that cheesy boy-band? - I bet he doesn't know it.
Oh, I know it.
All right, who wants the last song? Let's make it something really hard.
Jessie's Girl.
- [crowd groaning.]
- [man.]
You don't know it.
Whoa, uh - No.
I know it.
- [cheering.]
Thank you, thank you and thank you.
And now for the confrontational spoken word stylings of Lacey Thornfield.
Whoo! Lacey, you're on.
Still no sign of Wendy? [dialing phone.]
- [fish growling.]
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I'm just gonna go on without you.
I can't keep everybody waiting.
Stump the Band's over.
Come on, Lace.
I'm almost done.
And I really want to see you perform.
Can't you just buy me some time? Fine, but if I put these people through hell and you don't show up, the stink is on you.
Putting them through hell? What? I don't have time to explain.
I gotta go buy you some time.
Is she coming? Yup, but I need to buy her some time.
I need a warm-up act.
You mean like me? Yes, Pip, you can perform your monologue, "Hey, Mr.
God.
" But no spitting on the crowd, and drop that section about gym class.
I will not be censored.
No spitting, drop the part about gym class.
Got it.
Hey, Mr.
God! [screaming.]
[light panting.]
- [coughing.]
- [gurgling.]
Did it work? Ma'am, can you hear me? Where am I? We're with the Centers For Aquatic Disease Control.
You were brought here after suffering an Ichtiolyssavirus infection, but everything is fine now.
Just listen to Ida.
She'll take good care of you.
- Ichtiolyssavirus? - Fish rabies.
Gotta say, boss, I had my doubts, but we found our pike and we saved Bonnie Blue.
Now do you hear that? It's the thundering sound of Art Crawl! Hate to rain on your parade, Dubbie, but this night is far from over.
We cured fishzilla over there, what else do we have to do? The guard at the fish hatchery said he works for a Mr.
White.
Here you'll see the address of every Mr.
White within 200 miles.
So you've narrowed the list of potential suspects down to - one thousand and five? - Spiffy, huh? But what if he's not one of those Mr.
Whites? - Or Mr.
White's a fake name? - Chances we'll have to take.
The possibility of worldwide zombie pandemonium are just too gosh darn high.
Do you want me to miss Art Crawl? That's a terrible thing to say.
Yeah, as my punishment for how well things went with Sensei Ping.
Don't be absurd, Dubbie.
The training experience is highly personal and subjective.
Each student's journey unique.
Yeah.
And mine went uniquely better than yours.
I couldn't be happier you had a good day with Sensei - Don't do that.
- Do what? "I'm so proud of you, Dubster.
You doing so well with Sensei Ping is a scrump-diddly humdinger-ding-dang doo.
" Please.
I know you're upset about Art Crawl, but sometimes that's the job.
I'm fine with the job.
I love the job.
What I don't love is stretching this out for no reason other than I smoked you with Sensei Ping and you have no other way to deal.
I am doing what I do.
Focusing on the mission, which is what you You're making work.
Busy work.
If that's what you want to do, then you live that dream.
Dubbie, the fact that you're good at what you do is the reason I need you here.
Well, I have friends that need me and right now your zombie apocalypse is a lot less real than what I can do for them.
- [Pip.]
Hey, Mr.
God - [yawning.]
what about all the poor people? Hey, Mr.
God, someone sure has a high opinion of himself.
Hey, Mr.
God, what about all the pretty girls and their prettily painted toenails? Hey, Mr.
God, you ever hear of a little thing called the Internet? Hey, Mr.
God, what about me? [scattered applause.]
What'd I miss? You made it.
- You owe me 20 bucks.
- Why aren't you in costume? - Waiting for Godot? - Well, Godot's here, so let's put on some pretty and enjoy what's left of this night.
You really bet against me? Don't be upset, it was a beat the spread thing.
And I beat the spread.
I can't stop wondering, Ida, what if she's right? I don't care.
Am I obsessing over this potential zombie attack because deep down I truly feel that her accomplishment with Sensei Ping - somehow diminishes my own? - I don't care.
What if I am penalizing her without even knowing it? What if I envy the fact that she's the kind of person who can have a full and vibrant social life and the support of Sensei Ping? Hold the presses.
There's something you need to know right away.
- Golly, what? - I don't care.
- Wish me luck.
- [Middlewatch beeping.]
Oh, come on.
Seriously? - It's fine.
Just go break a leg.
- [turns off watch.]
[sighs.]
[ringing.]
Oops.
No service.
I am city! I breathe, I hunger.
If you cut me, do I not bleed? Why didn't you respond to the Middlewatch? Or answer my call? - asphalt energy.
- Why are you talking during Lacey's piece? - This is important.
- It can wait 10 minutes.
You lie the liar believes.
- There is a zombie attack in progress.
- cold night of day.
Can I say something without your feeling compelled to follow up with a lecture? - The First Amendment's still in force.
- Sometimes this job sucks.
And though my street cleaners try their hardest, will they ever wipe away the stain [sobbing.]
the blood of her broken heart? Trout.
Trout! Trout! Trout! Trout! I hope this chick has good credit 'cause she's replacing this dress.
If zombies take over the world you won't have much call for fancy clothes.
It's the principle of the thing.
How'd you find her, anyway? I ran a gamma-cardio-scan of the city, searching for irregular heartbeats.
Once I ruled out addicts and frat house skin flick parties, I found Heidi.
- Frat house skin flick parties? - They're more common than you think.
Heidi here freaked at a rave and tried to beat a DJ to death with his turntable.
Then she ran to that convenience store, and well, you know the story from there.
How come you didn't get any Slurpee on your uniform? I was a Navy SEAL.
I know how to stay dry.
- Smurfette's here to see you.
- She might be out a while.
What happened to your dress? Ah, it's a long story.
I have time.
I'm sorry I left the show.
I really wanted to be there.
I would have never left if it weren't important.
I gave you like a hundred chances to say you couldn't come.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I had to leave.
- Hello, Lacey.
- Hey.
Uh, Wendy, there's been another - Temp-employment related emergency? - Yes, in fact.
And let me just say how sorry I am to have pulled Wendy away from your riveting performance.
- Perhaps we could arrange an encore.
- I don't think so.
- Lacey.
- No.
I've had it with him and his big muscles and his pillow lips and his deep, soulful eyes and his work-related excuses.
Can we talk about this in private? Maybe you ought to.
You know where I'll be.
She's just coming to.
Is everything OK with Lacey? Um, let's just talk to the zombie, OK? Where am I? - Drunk tank, downtown.
- It's changed since Friday.
- We need to know if you've gone camping.
- Woods are gross.
- Been near any exotic flying fish the last 24 hours? - No.
- 48? - These are weird questions.
- Have you eaten fish today? - No.
- What did you eat today? - Nothing.
How do you think I poured myself into this sock? - You haven't eaten all day? - No.
Just had a can of Just a can of - What the hell is? - It's an energy drink.
The name is four of those exclamational thingies, but that's how you say it.
There's an empty can in my purse and it totally tasted like fish.
Does that matter? It smells like Peruvian Flying Pike and something else.
Trout? - You can smell that? - You can't? Miss, how did you come to be associated with? It's a nightmare.
My dad's all over me to get a job.
I'm like, I want to have fun, and he's like, you have to be a grown-up now.
- Skip to the job part.
- So I went to this casting call to be a girl because the ad says they want pretty girls with hot bodies, that's me, so I check it out.
And I'm stoked 'cause there's supposed to be travel, but the travel part, it's just out in the country, and I'm like, no thanks.
Between you and me I took a few cans on my way out.
I tell you it tasted like fish? It's weird now that I think about it, because I hate fish, but I could not get enough of that.
Wish I took more.
So, let's reason this out.
Somehow Peruvian Flying Pike venom has made itself into cans of So there must be a bad guy out there who wants a nation full of zombies, or someone made a big mistake at the plant.
A soda that contains both venom that turns you into a trout-craving fiend and the trout to satisfy that craving? I'm betting bucks to beans it's a bad guy.
Miss, where was the plant located? This creepy warehouse downtown with a big sign on top.
[sniffs.]
That can of Heidi's was no mistake.
This whole load of is contaminated.
[man.]
Step away from the truck.
It's the guy from the fish hatchery.
I'm going to assume you didn't have a rapid career transition from fishery guard to soda company guard.
Just call me Mr.
White.
Mother of planting and payoff! You're Mr.
White? But you said How could you lie in the face of Pain's River? Once, I was just a down and out poacher struggling to make ends meet in the face of a growing animal rights movement.
While hunting endangered baby turtles on the Amazon, a ravenous school of Peruvian Flying Pike attacked me.
Fortunately my vulcanized rubber waders deflected most of the bites.
Some of the pike I clubbed to death, some I shot, but one latched onto the back of my neck, spitting its venom directly into my spine.
The experience left me impervious to pain.
So, you were bitten by a pike? How come you're not a trout-mongering zombie? Ah.
For 30 days and nights I wandered the jungle, burning with the trout fever, But a friendly native gave me the antidote.
After selling his village to a lumber corporation, an incredible idea occurred to me.
That instead of using your misfortune to help others, you could concoct the cocktail of aquatic addiction to make yourself rich by hooking the world on your energy drink.
My plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity, isn't it? No, it isn't! This is never going to work.
How do you think you're gonna get your drink past the FDA? Hmm.
Let's just say the Deputy Commissioner and I are close friends.
[man.]
Trout! Oh.
That is just sick.
Trout! Tonight, I test market my soda outside the city.
Tomorrow - I wouldn't bet on it.
- Don't be so quick to count me out.
One doesn't spend this many years on a plan without buying insurance.
Why does everybody have it out for this dress? Mr.
White, it'll take a lot more to stop us than dead fish.
Oh, those aren't just any ordinary fish.
[women's voices.]
Trout! Trout! Trout! Trout! Oh, phooey.
- Dubbie? - Yeah? - Run.
- Trout! So, I guess before we become zombie carnage, I should bring up the elephant in the warehouse.
That I had a great day with Sensei Ping and I let it get to my head and I wanted to get back to Art Crawl to see Lacey's performance and I left my post.
Now there's a big steaming zombie pile-up in front of us.
If I would have been a better student the world wouldn't be in danger.
- I need to ask you something important.
- What? Did Sensei Ping teach you the Devil's Dance? The world's about to be addicted to a zombie energy drink and that's what you ask? I'm aware of the danger but the Devil's Dance is our one shot at getting out of here alive.
- You're not gonna say I told you so? - No, Dubbie.
You may be Sensei Ping's student but you're also my student, I'd be a bad teacher if I stop doing what I always do.
- Which is to fight evil.
- Come what may.
Not always fun, but it's who I am.
- Now did Sensei Ping teach you the Devil's Dance or not? - No.
It's a good thing you're such a fast learner.
[theme music.]
Middleman Trout! - [grunts.]
- Middleman - Nicely done, Dubbie.
- Well, I got a great teacher.
Ida, you need to get down here with enough pike antidote for three adult females and one Commissioner of the FDA.
Hurry and the girls might still be unconscious.
But I'm watching The Price Is Right.
How is that fun for you? You're pre-programmed with the MSRP of every product on the shelf.
I'm not having this conversation right now.
Get down here fast.
Dubbie, not to micromanage, but why aren't you driving? What's the point? Even with the Devil's Dance we're hours behind Mr.
White.
He probably turned half the countryside into zombies.
I guess Sensei Ping didn't get around to the part about curiosity.
- You mean that it kills cats? - I mean did you try the spare key? Why would I do that? [whirring.]
You were saying? [screaming.]
Like a Bengal Elephant.
The one who does the take down gets to say the catch phrase.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Be my guest.
Swift justice.
"Swift justice?" Really? It was in my delivery.
Ah.
[rock music.]
[door closes.]
So, remember when I went off on your boss? Big muscles, deep soulful eyes, pillow lips, work-related excuses? Yeah, I remember.
- Did I really say "pillow lips?" - Yup.
Did I get you in trouble? Nah.
He's a big boy.
He can handle it.
He wouldn't be Sexy-Bossman if he couldn't.
Lace.
I'm sorry I left the show.
I got your hopes up, and that was wrong.
A zombie bride attacked by a fish? It used to be airplanes.
And Asian dudes.
And Asian dudes in airplanes.
I don't know what to do with this.
Yeah, well, you're talking about art school.
Life was simple.
Keep off the freshman 15, open the window if you're using spray paint, put a bow around the door if there's a boy in the room.
But real life is scary.
I'm just working it out on the canvas.
These paintings aren't a desperate cry from your subconscious because it knows you're planning to quit art in favor of a mysteriously urgent and time-consuming form of temping? Scout's honor.
Hey, Dub-Dub? We copacetic? Yeah, copacetic.
Although there are still a few things we need to hash out.
I shouldn't have mentioned Sexy-Bossman's pillow lips.
I'm talking about the next Art Crawl.
You know you can never plan these things too early.
In spite of recent events I was thinking something supernaturally themed would be killer.
What about the desperate cries of my subconscious? That was inspiring me to do a performance piece from the perspective of the living dead.
Like Lady Lazarus with zombies.
That does sound killer.
I will take dictation.
OK, so how about something like this? We cover the stage with soil and a tombstone and a hand reaches out from the middle of the stage I could be the hand and you sit on it.
You could be the hand.
I'll sit on it.
- OK.
Then I move up.
- Great.
Previously on The Middleman: This the part where I ask you who the hell you are - and what the hell you do? - Our mandate is protect people from threats, infra, extra and juxtaterrestrial.
Not to become consumed with the mundane problems of everyday life.
Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend? He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.
Hi, Wendy's boss.
Apparently you have something for me.
Oh, this is for you? My skin thanks you kindly, Lacey, as do I.
- [grunts.]
- Ahh! Sensei Ping is the most lethal man alive.
Since he has agreed to train me into a killing machine to be a better sidekick, there are three things I must remember.
I'm a confrontational spoken word performance artist.
I confront.
I speak.
- What do you do, Dub-Dub? - I'm a visual artist.
[Dubbie.]
I am your best friend.
Wow, Mom.
Exiled Cuban tenors.
Yeah.
I'll make sure I'm watching Canal Cinco this Friday at nine.
Yeah, Mom.
Actually I am writing Aunt Sarita a thank you note for that "Little Havana is for Lovers" needlepoint throw pillow this very second.
Yes Mother, I am very aware of how difficult it is to needlepoint when you have plantar fasciitis.
What was her address again? [crashing.]
[speaking Spanish.]
Drive, yeah.
Got it.
I'll put it in the mail right now.
OK.
Gotta run.
Love you.
Have you said thank you today? For the fact that your mother I assume that by "your mother" you mean Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD.
That Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD has a full and interesting life and doesn't need to micro-manage yours? For the fact she only calls once a year and that's to rationalize for missing my birthday? Could you hand me that lid over there to close that can of worms I just opened? You're the lucky one, Dub-Dub.
Phone calls, care packages, greeting cards Well, I guess I do love her in all her hectoring Latina glory.
When was the last time you talked to Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD, anyway? Knife.
Twisting.
If she's finished heading that pediatric cardiac surgery unit in the Ukraine, maybe you could invite her to Art Crawl.
Yeah, right, 'cause I'm sure that Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD is just dying to come to an art show hosted by her daughter, her cynical roommate and their bohemian friends.
- I'm ironic, not cynical.
- You're on peyote.
Seriously, what's the harm in asking? We created Art Crawl so we could show our work off to the world.
Why shouldn't Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD get to be here at least once to bear witness and have some grain punch? - Art crawl! - Art crawl! [dialing phone.]
Hello, may I speak to Dr.
Thornfield? It's her daughter.
She only has one.
Lacey Thornfield.
Yes, I'll hold.
- [woman.]
Lacey? - Dr.
Thornfield? Hey, it's me.
So I know I haven't spoken to you in forever, but I've actually been thinking of you a lot and I'm performing tonight at Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were my mom.
Yes, I'll continue to hold.
One month the theme was Art Crawl Department Store, and our floor was women's intimates, so Lacey and I hung bras from the ceiling and I get the feeling you don't share my enthusiasm.
Then I'm wearing the right expression.
I wish I had time to prepare you for your first session with Sensei Ping.
- He's trying to say it's been nice knowing you.
- It's not gonna be that bad.
The man loves pain and suffering like tornadoes love trailer parks.
I get it, I get it, it's like Bruce Lee coming back from the dead.
And beating you with his own coffin.
Sensei Ping has destroyed a hundred wannabe Middlemen.
He'll cut you down like Satan's gnarly fist.
Really? You mean I could fail out of this? Dubbie.
You're my hand-picked.
I know you'll do well in there.
I'm here to support you every step of the way.
You did sign a living will, right? - Ida! - Sensei Ping made you cry.
- He did? - Yeah.
And the big green cheese is supposed to be Sensei Ping's favorite apprentice.
- He made you cry? - In times of extreme stress, crying is an inevitable physiological response.
Sure it is, cupcake.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
[kung fu fighting sounds.]
[electrical zapping.]
- [cat squealing.]
- [thumping.]
I'm devoid of human emotion and that made me want to wince.
You should have been more supportive of her.
The psychological advantage is crucial.
Oh, sure.
I'll get to it, after I powder your diaper.
[loud crashing, glass breaking.]
That's it.
We lost her.
I'll get the bugle and the flag.
That was awesome! That was the best thing ever! The teaching! The learning! The laughter! The bonding! I swept the leg.
[kung fu grunting.]
I guess Sensei Ping's got a new favorite.
[theme music.]
Middleman I thought the chances of Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD making a same day appointment were one in negative one.
It was so weird.
I called, I held for like 45 minutes and then I asked and she said yes.
You just blew my mind.
Almost didn't happen, too.
At first Francis busted into the line and said she couldn't come.
- Who's Francis? - Her assistant.
Your mom's assistant listens in to your conversations? She always has someone monitoring her calls in case Henry Kissinger's trying to reach her.
Oh, right, Kissinger.
My bad.
So he mentioned something about some sort of honorary degree in Abu Dhabi and then Dr.
Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD said to reschedule the flight.
She's never rescheduled for me.
I hope this doesn't mean she's dying.
- [Middlewatch beeping.]
- Oh look, it's my Weird work-related video pager that no other temp I've ever seen has? Exactly.
Do you mind if I Call Sexy-Bossman's crabby assistant? Nope.
Be my guest.
I'll get hooks.
Hey, Ida.
Can this wait? - Sure thing, sweetie.
Catch you later.
- Really? No.
Drop the fattie and get over here.
Some chicky just went monkey fudge on her husband.
They were taking a camping trip for their honeymoon - and she attacked him with an RV.
- Driving? - Throwing.
- Wince.
Right before she tried eating his flesh.
- I'll be right there.
- Oh, thank heavens.
I think we should hang the gun-toting ape outside the door.
I might have to do the hanging later because Something came up at work.
- something came up at work.
- I didn't see that coming.
- I'm not ditching Art Crawl.
- Better not.
Lacey, Art Crawl is my mecca.
I'm just gonna take care of some stuff and I'll run back home.
- Art Crawl! - Art Crawl! A woman could throw an RV at her husband for several reasons.
Perhaps it was steroids.
Perhaps she was bitten by a bat with a new and powerful strain of rabies.
Perhaps Perhaps she realized her husband took her camping for their honeymoon.
Camping is a perfectly viable alternative to expensive international travel.
Sure, Opie, whatever you say.
My point is, I don't think it was any of the above.
The way this story is unfolding, the rural setting, the civilian who suddenly turns into a ravenous flesh eater My gut says we may be dealing with the seminal stages of a zombie outbreak.
Entrail-ripping, brain-chewing zombies? - The very same.
- Cool.
Dubbie, there is nothing cool about zombies.
- Mr.
Argent? - Hey.
Miss Blunstone and I are claims adjusters with Time of the Season Unlimited Mutual.
- Would you mind telling us how you got here? - Sure.
Bonnie Blue and me took the turnpike as far as Bristoltown, then decided the mountains would look nicer from the parkway, so we cut over - Why don't you start with last night? - Oh.
Well.
I'd caught and cleaned up a couple of trout for dinner.
Had trout gore all over me.
Anyway, Bonnie was washing up by the pond.
But she came back all scary.
Gray skin, yellow eyes, sharp teeth and green slime shot out her mouth.
- Ahh.
- She tackled me.
Felt heavier than a fridge.
With a sink in it.
That didn't seem right.
She's tiny.
But we rolled around like that.
Her trying to chew my face off.
Me trying to keep her from chewing my face off.
Finally I whacked her with a log from the fire and ran to the woods.
That's when the camper came crashing over the trees.
This really isn't like her.
Mr.
Argent, I must ask you something very important now.
Did Bonnie Blue bite you? - Before or after going nuts? - Uh, I'm guessing after.
Miss Blunstone, would you please draw the curtain? I hate this part of the job.
Uh did I miss something? That man's wife is a zombie and she bit him.
If he's not a zombie yet, it's not far off.
He displays all the signs: distant, lethargic, emotionless.
- I think that's called morphine.
- You've seen movies, Dubbie.
Zombies beget zombies.
The only way to stop them is to completely destroy the brain.
Come on, isn't there something else? Do you have any idea how serious a zombie outbreak is? A Middleman died in a zombie outbreak, to come back from the dead as a zombie.
His Middleman-in-training had to shoot him.
- You want to shoot me? - No.
We have to stop the outbreak before it starts, by putting one between this man's eyes, we will save countless lives.
Oh, God, please don't kill me! Congratulations, sir.
Zombies lack any sense of self-preservation, which means you are definitely not a zombie.
You're not gonna shoot me? Completely unnecessary.
Get well soon! You are certifiable.
You just threatened to kill that innocent, defenseless man.
I had to know he wasn't a zombie, Dubbie, and time is of the essence.
As Sensei Ping always says, "The goat who tarries is a friend of death.
" But he also says the badger shouldn't bare its teeth when peace sits at the tea table.
He said that to you? Is that some kind of a big deal? It's an "aces high according to Hoyle" fantastic deal.
[Middlewatch beeping.]
What is it, Ida? Zombie attack in progress.
Just outside of town.
Flowers for Algernon! We're on our way.
What is it, Noser? Pip's being all territorial again.
Yo Pip, hands off Wendy's stuff.
I have to make room for my paintings.
You're not hanging your paintings outside my door.
- You have wall space on the fifth floor.
- No one ever goes there.
Not my fault you drew a place next to a guy who makes creepy phallic sculptures.
Now put Wendy's stuff back and sweep out the elevator.
Think you might want to be a little easier on Pip? His dad does own the building.
Sorry for snapping, Pip.
You can hang one painting.
How about your nude self-portrait? - That's my sister.
- Hey now.
Awkward.
So, you hear about who's coming to Art Crawl? Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD? - I thought she was disarming landmines in Bosnia.
- No.
That was last year.
What are you gonna do for Art Crawl? - Stump the Band.
- Stump the Band! I wanted to retire it, but Stump the Band has become something greater than myself, and it will not be denied.
Hey, Lacey, since you two are doing spoken-word, I should perform my epic monologue, "Hey, Mr.
God.
" Mmm.
Mm-mmm.
I've got gluten-free bread to bake.
Oh! Hey, Noser, make sure you wear your purple jacket tonight.
It's adorable.
Yeah.
You heard the lady.
Adorable.
Art Crawl, baby.
Art Crawl.
[people screaming.]
Ladies and gentlemen, we're from the Atkinson Memorial Insane Asylum.
Please move away from the building.
- Which way do we go? - In situations like this folks are running from danger.
That makes our job easy.
Run toward it.
Trout! - Did that woman just say trout? - I was gonna ask you.
Trout! - Help me put her in the car.
- How do we know she's out for the long haul? One great session with Sensei Ping doesn't make you Sonny Chiba.
I just wanna make sure Bride of Frankenstein doesn't go crazy on us at 64 miles an hour.
I juiced this lady with enough tranquilizer to take down a Bengal elephant.
- Trout! - [zapping.]
Two Bengal elephants.
[panting.]
Trout.
This is a real head-scratcher, Dubbie.
I've seen every kind of zombie and they always crave the same thing: the flesh of the living.
Never once have I seen a zombie demand - Trout.
- Maybe it means "brains" in another language.
Not in any of the 18 Earth languages in which I'm fluent.
- Can't we just feed her trout? - Would you give a dope fiend their fix? - Don't answer that.
- It might stop her cravings, but it's not exactly a cure.
Well, at least we have her in our custody, and the outbreak is contained Isn't she cute? She thinks she's gonna get out in time to hang paint with her bolshie friends.
Guess again.
Honeymooner's heart rate's increasing half a beat every thousand and five seconds.
- Which means? - Trout.
One: she still has a heartbeat, so there may just be a way to pull her back from her zombified state.
And two: if we don't find an antidote, her heart's gonna explode like a sausage casing full of weasels.
I'm just gonna go ahead and run Bonnie's blood through HEAL.
That's the Hemo-Electric Antidote Locator.
- I didn't ask.
- We need to find the cause of this zombification and pronto.
Oh, phooey.
Don't be sad, crumpet.
The art world's loss will be everyone's gain tonight.
Put a sock in it, Circuit City.
Let's jet.
[Wendy.]
So, I was thinking, maybe you should let me drive today.
Why? Well, you know, I'm learning, training.
Sensei Ping thinks I'm pretty good, and I do have a Middlemobile of my own.
I don't know if you're road ready.
We could get into some kind of high-speed chase situation Against zombies? I admire your ambition, But given the spotty history Middlemen have had with zombies, I think maybe I should stay behind the wheel on this one.
Sure, you could do all the driving, but you know what Sensei Ping says.
The turtledove who grows content in the nest loses his wings at dawn.
Sensei Ping is a wise man.
So OK, guys, just remember, there's no valet parking this month - because Joe 90 lost his license - [groaning.]
- Oh, not to the cops.
He literally just lost it.
- [relieved sighs.]
Also, to cut down on confusion I've made the recycling into 11 easy categories, so I better not find any more high density polyethylene in with the low density stuff.
OK? And that's it.
Keep up the great work, guys.
Go, Art Crawl! - Art Crawl! - Yes.
Looking good, Noser.
I've got the city's best stylist.
- How do I look, Lacey? - Oh Pip, you're like a little ray of sunshine.
I'm supposed to look dangerous.
[both laughing.]
Wendy's gonna wish she saw that.
[cell phone ringing.]
Oh, it's my mom.
Dr? What? Henry Kissinger? Tonight? No.
No, of course I understand.
[Middleman.]
What about the Arm of Oblivion? That the one where you drive your arm straight out then hook it back into their throat? Hot diggety dog.
Sensei Ping said I was the first pupil capable of that move.
What about Danger Toes? - Oh, that one's fun.
- What about the Three Terrors? [kung fu grunting.]
- You jealous or something? - Jealous of what? You've been grilling me about Sensei Ping all day.
- I'm proud.
- Proud? Dubbie, I selected you for this job.
If you survive Sensei Ping, I made the right choice.
If you impress Sensei Ping, well then, that's just a humdinger then, isn't it? You're not even a little jealous? What little mental space I have for negativity is currently taken up by my concern for the young bride whose life we need to save and the impending zombie apocalypse facing the world.
- Gosh Ace, then I'd better drive faster.
- [cell phone rings.]
Yo.
So, guess who's not coming to Art Crawl? - Oh, crap.
What happened? - Henry Kissinger.
That guy.
Cambodia.
Chile.
Now Art Crawl.
And I guess you hate me too for making you ask Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD to come.
In that profoundly messed-up way that the children of narcissistic workaholics displace their anger from the parents to the people who truly love them, absolutely.
- Sorry.
You holding up OK? - Yeah.
- But not really? - Yeah.
- I just wish I didn't care.
- It's only natural to care.
She's your mom.
But you know what? You've still got your friends, and we're your real family.
And if Dr.
Barbara Thornfield MD, PhD can't be bothered to come, it's her stupid loss.
Look, I don't want to nag, but if work's gonna keep you away tonight, could you tell me now? I'd rather get my coping over with before my performance.
Look, I'm coming, OK? I may not be able to hang my paintings, but I'm gonna be there to watch you perform.
In fact, zombies couldn't keep me away.
You're the best.
- Art Crawl! - Art Crawl! [Dubbie.]
So, what are we looking for? Canisters of radioactive waste, vats of medical garbage, anything that would have turned that poor woman into a trout-craving zombie.
Did you alter your equipment? Yeah.
Pretty cool, huh? Looks like somebody's jealous.
Nothing is cooler than standard black.
Except skulls.
Well, I prefer standard black.
Well, you know what Sensei Ping says about skulls.
Did you mean what you told Lacey? You mean about going to Art Crawl? Yeah.
We should cover as much ground in as short a period of time so as to insure success.
[Middlewatch beeping.]
What is it, Ida? I've got good news, bad news, more bad news and worse news.
First the good news.
I know what made our blushing bride a freakazoid.
She got bitten by a Peruvian Flying Pike.
- Did you say flying pike? - Whoa! It's an extremely rare and dangerous trout predator, native only to remote regions of South America.
Completely illegal to import or breed.
How in the customs agency did one get up here? I dunno, but it's a bad sign.
The pike bites anything that moves, and its venom instantly turns victims into mindless, trout-craving zombies.
So it's the venom.
That must be why Bonnie's bite didn't affect her husband.
He had no direct contact with a pike, just with Bonnie.
- Plinko! - So have you found an antidote? Yeah, but there's a catch.
Pun intended.
To make the antidote you'll need pineal fluid from a Flying Pike.
Gosh darn it, what are my chances of finding one of those? In time to keep the blushing bride's heart in her chest? Slim to none.
And it gets better.
For the antidote to work, it's vital, I repeat vital, the Flying Pike must be alive.
Right.
So if we want to stop a zombie apocalypse and save the life of an innocent young woman, we must capture the fish alive.
Got it.
Ida.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
This is terrible.
If by terrible you mean fantastic, zombie cause destroying, antidote finding, get me to Art Crawl goodness, then, yeah.
Dubbie, we needed that extremely rare and possibly unique Peruvian Flying Pike alive.
It's the only way to make an antidote.
Don't get all up on my grill.
Like Sensei Ping says, study the fish's tail if you want to know how to move forward.
The Odessey fishery? I'll be in the car.
Must be enough Peruvian Flying Pike here to trigger trout zombie armageddon.
- Who'd wanna do that? - I don't know, but I intend to find out.
[growling.]
[man.]
Care to tell me what you're doing here? [guns cock.]
Stand back, Dubbie.
I'll handle this.
- Wanna do Pain's River? - Sensei Ping taught you Pain's River? - Yeah, like first thing.
- The Pain's River? With the knees and the knuckles? Do you want to talk about Pain's River or do Pain's River? I want to see Lacey's show.
Do you want top or bottom? All right, shotgun-Joe, your little fish farm's the first stop on a zombie assembly line and I wanna know who's pulling the strings.
- No.
He'll kill me.
- Who? Please.
I can't.
Sounds to me like someone wants another trip down Pain's River.
No! Anything but that.
He's called Mr.
White.
I don't know his first name.
Once a month he sends a truck, picks up more pike, doesn't tell me why.
He pays cash.
I've never even seen his face.
- Anything else? - No.
That's all I know, I swear.
Sensei Ping says he's never seen a man who can lie in the face of Pain's River.
- So, are we done here? - Hardly.
We have to call the Fish and Wildlife commission and drop a dime on these villains, collect several pike, take them back, synthesize an antidote and save Bonnie Blue from certain death.
You get on the horn to Fish and Wildlife.
I'm gonna go to the car and get some gloves.
And after that, Art Crawl! OK guys, there's only time for a few more songs, so who wants to try and Stump the Band? Kung-Fu Fighting.
Yeah, I know it.
Scream Your Love For Me! - By that cheesy boy-band? - I bet he doesn't know it.
Oh, I know it.
All right, who wants the last song? Let's make it something really hard.
Jessie's Girl.
- [crowd groaning.]
- [man.]
You don't know it.
Whoa, uh - No.
I know it.
- [cheering.]
Thank you, thank you and thank you.
And now for the confrontational spoken word stylings of Lacey Thornfield.
Whoo! Lacey, you're on.
Still no sign of Wendy? [dialing phone.]
- [fish growling.]
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I'm just gonna go on without you.
I can't keep everybody waiting.
Stump the Band's over.
Come on, Lace.
I'm almost done.
And I really want to see you perform.
Can't you just buy me some time? Fine, but if I put these people through hell and you don't show up, the stink is on you.
Putting them through hell? What? I don't have time to explain.
I gotta go buy you some time.
Is she coming? Yup, but I need to buy her some time.
I need a warm-up act.
You mean like me? Yes, Pip, you can perform your monologue, "Hey, Mr.
God.
" But no spitting on the crowd, and drop that section about gym class.
I will not be censored.
No spitting, drop the part about gym class.
Got it.
Hey, Mr.
God! [screaming.]
[light panting.]
- [coughing.]
- [gurgling.]
Did it work? Ma'am, can you hear me? Where am I? We're with the Centers For Aquatic Disease Control.
You were brought here after suffering an Ichtiolyssavirus infection, but everything is fine now.
Just listen to Ida.
She'll take good care of you.
- Ichtiolyssavirus? - Fish rabies.
Gotta say, boss, I had my doubts, but we found our pike and we saved Bonnie Blue.
Now do you hear that? It's the thundering sound of Art Crawl! Hate to rain on your parade, Dubbie, but this night is far from over.
We cured fishzilla over there, what else do we have to do? The guard at the fish hatchery said he works for a Mr.
White.
Here you'll see the address of every Mr.
White within 200 miles.
So you've narrowed the list of potential suspects down to - one thousand and five? - Spiffy, huh? But what if he's not one of those Mr.
Whites? - Or Mr.
White's a fake name? - Chances we'll have to take.
The possibility of worldwide zombie pandemonium are just too gosh darn high.
Do you want me to miss Art Crawl? That's a terrible thing to say.
Yeah, as my punishment for how well things went with Sensei Ping.
Don't be absurd, Dubbie.
The training experience is highly personal and subjective.
Each student's journey unique.
Yeah.
And mine went uniquely better than yours.
I couldn't be happier you had a good day with Sensei - Don't do that.
- Do what? "I'm so proud of you, Dubster.
You doing so well with Sensei Ping is a scrump-diddly humdinger-ding-dang doo.
" Please.
I know you're upset about Art Crawl, but sometimes that's the job.
I'm fine with the job.
I love the job.
What I don't love is stretching this out for no reason other than I smoked you with Sensei Ping and you have no other way to deal.
I am doing what I do.
Focusing on the mission, which is what you You're making work.
Busy work.
If that's what you want to do, then you live that dream.
Dubbie, the fact that you're good at what you do is the reason I need you here.
Well, I have friends that need me and right now your zombie apocalypse is a lot less real than what I can do for them.
- [Pip.]
Hey, Mr.
God - [yawning.]
what about all the poor people? Hey, Mr.
God, someone sure has a high opinion of himself.
Hey, Mr.
God, what about all the pretty girls and their prettily painted toenails? Hey, Mr.
God, you ever hear of a little thing called the Internet? Hey, Mr.
God, what about me? [scattered applause.]
What'd I miss? You made it.
- You owe me 20 bucks.
- Why aren't you in costume? - Waiting for Godot? - Well, Godot's here, so let's put on some pretty and enjoy what's left of this night.
You really bet against me? Don't be upset, it was a beat the spread thing.
And I beat the spread.
I can't stop wondering, Ida, what if she's right? I don't care.
Am I obsessing over this potential zombie attack because deep down I truly feel that her accomplishment with Sensei Ping - somehow diminishes my own? - I don't care.
What if I am penalizing her without even knowing it? What if I envy the fact that she's the kind of person who can have a full and vibrant social life and the support of Sensei Ping? Hold the presses.
There's something you need to know right away.
- Golly, what? - I don't care.
- Wish me luck.
- [Middlewatch beeping.]
Oh, come on.
Seriously? - It's fine.
Just go break a leg.
- [turns off watch.]
[sighs.]
[ringing.]
Oops.
No service.
I am city! I breathe, I hunger.
If you cut me, do I not bleed? Why didn't you respond to the Middlewatch? Or answer my call? - asphalt energy.
- Why are you talking during Lacey's piece? - This is important.
- It can wait 10 minutes.
You lie the liar believes.
- There is a zombie attack in progress.
- cold night of day.
Can I say something without your feeling compelled to follow up with a lecture? - The First Amendment's still in force.
- Sometimes this job sucks.
And though my street cleaners try their hardest, will they ever wipe away the stain [sobbing.]
the blood of her broken heart? Trout.
Trout! Trout! Trout! Trout! I hope this chick has good credit 'cause she's replacing this dress.
If zombies take over the world you won't have much call for fancy clothes.
It's the principle of the thing.
How'd you find her, anyway? I ran a gamma-cardio-scan of the city, searching for irregular heartbeats.
Once I ruled out addicts and frat house skin flick parties, I found Heidi.
- Frat house skin flick parties? - They're more common than you think.
Heidi here freaked at a rave and tried to beat a DJ to death with his turntable.
Then she ran to that convenience store, and well, you know the story from there.
How come you didn't get any Slurpee on your uniform? I was a Navy SEAL.
I know how to stay dry.
- Smurfette's here to see you.
- She might be out a while.
What happened to your dress? Ah, it's a long story.
I have time.
I'm sorry I left the show.
I really wanted to be there.
I would have never left if it weren't important.
I gave you like a hundred chances to say you couldn't come.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I had to leave.
- Hello, Lacey.
- Hey.
Uh, Wendy, there's been another - Temp-employment related emergency? - Yes, in fact.
And let me just say how sorry I am to have pulled Wendy away from your riveting performance.
- Perhaps we could arrange an encore.
- I don't think so.
- Lacey.
- No.
I've had it with him and his big muscles and his pillow lips and his deep, soulful eyes and his work-related excuses.
Can we talk about this in private? Maybe you ought to.
You know where I'll be.
She's just coming to.
Is everything OK with Lacey? Um, let's just talk to the zombie, OK? Where am I? - Drunk tank, downtown.
- It's changed since Friday.
- We need to know if you've gone camping.
- Woods are gross.
- Been near any exotic flying fish the last 24 hours? - No.
- 48? - These are weird questions.
- Have you eaten fish today? - No.
- What did you eat today? - Nothing.
How do you think I poured myself into this sock? - You haven't eaten all day? - No.
Just had a can of Just a can of - What the hell is? - It's an energy drink.
The name is four of those exclamational thingies, but that's how you say it.
There's an empty can in my purse and it totally tasted like fish.
Does that matter? It smells like Peruvian Flying Pike and something else.
Trout? - You can smell that? - You can't? Miss, how did you come to be associated with? It's a nightmare.
My dad's all over me to get a job.
I'm like, I want to have fun, and he's like, you have to be a grown-up now.
- Skip to the job part.
- So I went to this casting call to be a girl because the ad says they want pretty girls with hot bodies, that's me, so I check it out.
And I'm stoked 'cause there's supposed to be travel, but the travel part, it's just out in the country, and I'm like, no thanks.
Between you and me I took a few cans on my way out.
I tell you it tasted like fish? It's weird now that I think about it, because I hate fish, but I could not get enough of that.
Wish I took more.
So, let's reason this out.
Somehow Peruvian Flying Pike venom has made itself into cans of So there must be a bad guy out there who wants a nation full of zombies, or someone made a big mistake at the plant.
A soda that contains both venom that turns you into a trout-craving fiend and the trout to satisfy that craving? I'm betting bucks to beans it's a bad guy.
Miss, where was the plant located? This creepy warehouse downtown with a big sign on top.
[sniffs.]
That can of Heidi's was no mistake.
This whole load of is contaminated.
[man.]
Step away from the truck.
It's the guy from the fish hatchery.
I'm going to assume you didn't have a rapid career transition from fishery guard to soda company guard.
Just call me Mr.
White.
Mother of planting and payoff! You're Mr.
White? But you said How could you lie in the face of Pain's River? Once, I was just a down and out poacher struggling to make ends meet in the face of a growing animal rights movement.
While hunting endangered baby turtles on the Amazon, a ravenous school of Peruvian Flying Pike attacked me.
Fortunately my vulcanized rubber waders deflected most of the bites.
Some of the pike I clubbed to death, some I shot, but one latched onto the back of my neck, spitting its venom directly into my spine.
The experience left me impervious to pain.
So, you were bitten by a pike? How come you're not a trout-mongering zombie? Ah.
For 30 days and nights I wandered the jungle, burning with the trout fever, But a friendly native gave me the antidote.
After selling his village to a lumber corporation, an incredible idea occurred to me.
That instead of using your misfortune to help others, you could concoct the cocktail of aquatic addiction to make yourself rich by hooking the world on your energy drink.
My plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity, isn't it? No, it isn't! This is never going to work.
How do you think you're gonna get your drink past the FDA? Hmm.
Let's just say the Deputy Commissioner and I are close friends.
[man.]
Trout! Oh.
That is just sick.
Trout! Tonight, I test market my soda outside the city.
Tomorrow - I wouldn't bet on it.
- Don't be so quick to count me out.
One doesn't spend this many years on a plan without buying insurance.
Why does everybody have it out for this dress? Mr.
White, it'll take a lot more to stop us than dead fish.
Oh, those aren't just any ordinary fish.
[women's voices.]
Trout! Trout! Trout! Trout! Oh, phooey.
- Dubbie? - Yeah? - Run.
- Trout! So, I guess before we become zombie carnage, I should bring up the elephant in the warehouse.
That I had a great day with Sensei Ping and I let it get to my head and I wanted to get back to Art Crawl to see Lacey's performance and I left my post.
Now there's a big steaming zombie pile-up in front of us.
If I would have been a better student the world wouldn't be in danger.
- I need to ask you something important.
- What? Did Sensei Ping teach you the Devil's Dance? The world's about to be addicted to a zombie energy drink and that's what you ask? I'm aware of the danger but the Devil's Dance is our one shot at getting out of here alive.
- You're not gonna say I told you so? - No, Dubbie.
You may be Sensei Ping's student but you're also my student, I'd be a bad teacher if I stop doing what I always do.
- Which is to fight evil.
- Come what may.
Not always fun, but it's who I am.
- Now did Sensei Ping teach you the Devil's Dance or not? - No.
It's a good thing you're such a fast learner.
[theme music.]
Middleman Trout! - [grunts.]
- Middleman - Nicely done, Dubbie.
- Well, I got a great teacher.
Ida, you need to get down here with enough pike antidote for three adult females and one Commissioner of the FDA.
Hurry and the girls might still be unconscious.
But I'm watching The Price Is Right.
How is that fun for you? You're pre-programmed with the MSRP of every product on the shelf.
I'm not having this conversation right now.
Get down here fast.
Dubbie, not to micromanage, but why aren't you driving? What's the point? Even with the Devil's Dance we're hours behind Mr.
White.
He probably turned half the countryside into zombies.
I guess Sensei Ping didn't get around to the part about curiosity.
- You mean that it kills cats? - I mean did you try the spare key? Why would I do that? [whirring.]
You were saying? [screaming.]
Like a Bengal Elephant.
The one who does the take down gets to say the catch phrase.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Be my guest.
Swift justice.
"Swift justice?" Really? It was in my delivery.
Ah.
[rock music.]
[door closes.]
So, remember when I went off on your boss? Big muscles, deep soulful eyes, pillow lips, work-related excuses? Yeah, I remember.
- Did I really say "pillow lips?" - Yup.
Did I get you in trouble? Nah.
He's a big boy.
He can handle it.
He wouldn't be Sexy-Bossman if he couldn't.
Lace.
I'm sorry I left the show.
I got your hopes up, and that was wrong.
A zombie bride attacked by a fish? It used to be airplanes.
And Asian dudes.
And Asian dudes in airplanes.
I don't know what to do with this.
Yeah, well, you're talking about art school.
Life was simple.
Keep off the freshman 15, open the window if you're using spray paint, put a bow around the door if there's a boy in the room.
But real life is scary.
I'm just working it out on the canvas.
These paintings aren't a desperate cry from your subconscious because it knows you're planning to quit art in favor of a mysteriously urgent and time-consuming form of temping? Scout's honor.
Hey, Dub-Dub? We copacetic? Yeah, copacetic.
Although there are still a few things we need to hash out.
I shouldn't have mentioned Sexy-Bossman's pillow lips.
I'm talking about the next Art Crawl.
You know you can never plan these things too early.
In spite of recent events I was thinking something supernaturally themed would be killer.
What about the desperate cries of my subconscious? That was inspiring me to do a performance piece from the perspective of the living dead.
Like Lady Lazarus with zombies.
That does sound killer.
I will take dictation.
OK, so how about something like this? We cover the stage with soil and a tombstone and a hand reaches out from the middle of the stage I could be the hand and you sit on it.
You could be the hand.
I'll sit on it.
- OK.
Then I move up.
- Great.