The Millers (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Okay, how do we look? Ooh, cute.
I'm an evil scientist and Debbie's my lab rat.
He's disregarding my rights as one of God's creatures by growing human parts on my back.
Grandpa, let's make the scariest pumpkin in the whole neighborhood.
Ooh, that's a tall order.
What we'll need is some inspiration.
Think of the meanest, most terrifying, hateful monster that you could possibly imagine.
Happy Halloween! Hello, pumpkin.
Hey, uh, hope you don't mind.
I just need to borrow a costume.
Every drugstore between our house and here is sold out.
I warned him all week not to wait till the last minute.
He's always last-minute shopping for the holidays.
Which is why last Christmas I got breath mints, the wrong razor blades, and The Bodyguard on DVD.
Nathan, just admit you were wrong and should've shopped earlier.
No! I you know what? I tell you who's wrong.
Is my my boss who makes reporters wear costumes on air.
If your station's been doing costumes for years, then you should've known Okay, I was wrong! Can we let it go? Take it from someone who was married to her.
She won't let it go.
She likes to torture people.
She thought Zero Dark Thirty was a comedy.
Yeah, Mom, it is annoying the way you always gloat about it when one of us messes up like when I failed my driver's test or when I burnt the Thanksgiving turkey or when I married Adam.
A different Adam.
Not your dad.
It is my duty as your mother to point out your shortcomings.
My criticisms help you build character.
The fact that I enjoy it simply makes it a win-win.
If it builds character to admit that you're wrong, how come you never do it? Oh, trust me, I would love to build some character.
I just never get a chance 'cause I'm never wrong.
Why is that funny? Name a time I was wrong.
Nathan, think of a time.
What? Yes, okay just Dad, think of a time.
Oh, well, she, uh Pass.
Oh, oh! Got it! You misspelled my middle name on my birth certificate.
So, now instead of Nathan James, I'm Nathan Jasem.
J-A-S-E-M.
Jasem.
Actually, that was me.
I was drunk.
Waiting rooms were different back then.
Whoo! Check out this old school French maid costume! Carol, I'm proud of you, girl! Actually, that was me.
I was drunk.
Halloweens were different back then.
Go down to the basement and get a few of my craft boxes.
I can make a costume out of anything.
When the Leesburg Little Theater did their version of A Few Good Men, I made 14 military costumes out of tablecloths and bottle caps.
I even filled in once for the lead.
Ooh, I bet you made a hot Demi Moore, didn't you? No, but I was a very inspiring Jack Nicholson.
Oh.
People saluted me at the grocery store for weeks.
Look who's here.
Artie! I spotted this ogre and figured, there must be a beautiful princess here in need of rescue.
Adam, you're the ogre.
Yeah, we got it.
You having chili? I like chili on Halloween.
Well, we have mac and cheese.
Oh, that would be great if I wasn't in the mood for chili.
What's the deal with Sir Lance-a-little? He's our annoying neighbor Artie.
His parents keep dumping him off here.
He's, like, this new breed "cocky nerd.
" They're popping up everywhere now that schools have gotten rid of all the bullies.
Mikayla thinks he's funny and she has a crush on him, so we got to be super nice to him.
You know, we're afraid that if she knows that Debbie and I don't like him, that she's just gonna like him even more.
So just get rid of him.
When Mikayla's not looking, take the best candy from her bag and plant it on him.
Even Taylor Swift wouldn't date a candy thief, and she'll date anyone.
What? I read magazines.
Okay, Mom, I would never frame a little kid.
Yeah, plus, if we get caught, it's just gonna push them closer to their wedding at Medieval Times, and I am not gonna let him ruin Medieval Times for me! All right, Mom, found some glue, streamers, and a bunch of old party hats.
You think you can do something with this? The world's most handsome piñata.
The only way this would be more perfect is if you were hanging from the ceiling.
I agree.
Our sources indicate they plan on charging him as an adult.
The Leesburg Police Department has also asked that you no longer give kids the option of trick.
I'm Nathan Miller walking your safer but still spooky streets.
Nice work.
Uh-oh, you got a bogey at 4:00.
Whoa! No-no-no.
No, not a real piñata.
Run along.
Come back! You gotta be kidding me.
Be nice.
All right.
Hey Hey, buddy, what seems to be the problem? I'm tired, and all this trick-or-treating has given me a great thirst.
I need my goblet of grape juice.
Well, that's all the way back at the house.
To retrieve it, send your tallest man.
Listen, would you stop laughing? I'm not real! There is so much free candy around here.
Why are you doing this? Tyler, stop playing with that strange man! Uncle Nate, will you take me to the house on the corner? She keeps insisting on going up to the house on the corner.
I keep saying no because it's the house on the corner, Nathan.
The house on the corner Oh, my God, do you still think that a witch lives there? No, I think a creepy woman lives there.
However, I was told she was a witch by a person who has recently discovered has never been wrong.
Mom did say that.
She used to always say, "Don't go near the house on the corner 'cause a witch lived there.
" There is something she was wrong about! So, can we go? Oh, we're going.
Ray, get your camera.
We need proof that Mom was wrong.
Trick-or-treat! Oh, look at you, so cute.
Oh, a compliment.
How non-witchy of her, right? Start filming.
Let me get some candy.
Come on in.
Not you, Blackie.
Blackie's an outside cat.
Oh, my goodness.
I thought we were gonna have a big problem just now.
Normally, I don't get any trick-or-treaters.
That's because everybody thinks you're a witch.
Mikayla! Sorry.
She's just a child.
My only child! A child who'd been fed two generations of misinformation, because anybody who thinks that that you're a witch is clearly wrong.
Oh, no, that's right.
I'm a witch.
Well, technically, a wiccan.
Great.
Mom was right.
She's a witch.
Okay, cut, and burn the tape.
I know I have some candy here somewhere.
Let me go check the kitchen.
Oh, my God! I was so close to proving Mom wrong! I even had the skywriting worked out in my head.
It was just gonna say, "Ha!" You gotta pay by the letter.
I'm gonna go load the truck up.
Take it easy, Blacky.
Awesome parrot! Huh, look at that.
Kind of looks like my old bird Cappy.
You never told me you had a bird.
Yeah, when I was running for seventh-grade class president, I trained him to say, "Vote for Debbie.
" And then right before the election, someone left the window open and he flew away.
It was an accident, okay?! I felt so bad that you lost the election, I didn't even vote for myself for prom king.
And yes, I won anyway, but you can't control the masses.
Vote for Debbie.
- Did he just say ? - Vote for Debbie.
Vote for Debbie.
Nathan, I think that's Cappy.
Here you go.
Excuse me, uh, Mrs.
Witch.
Uh, where did you get this bird? Oh, we was given to me a long time ago.
By who? Oh, a lady in the neighborhood.
Oh, it's been so many years.
Let's see.
Kind of bossy, a voice like a foghorn, and for some reason, people used to salute her in the grocery store.
Mom Mom did something wrong.
Thank you very much.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe that she let me spend 20 years believing that I was responsible.
She didn't just do something wrong, she did something morally wrong, and that is the wrongest wrong! And we caught her! Oh, God, I would ! Kiss you right now if there wasn't a small part of me that thought I might turn into a frog! But it is a miracle.
It's a Halloween miracle! I can't believe your mom gave Cappy away.
Had I known at the time, well I probably wouldn't have done anything.
You know what? Maybe we shouldn't tell her that we know right away.
We should have fun with this.
Toy with her like a, like a kitten with a cricket.
Yeah, 'cause I want this feeling to last.
I want my first time to be special.
Ah, you guys are back early.
Yes we are.
You know, life can be a funny thing.
Ah One minute you're kind of You stole my bird and gave it to a witch! Well, you just ate the cricket! What are you talking about? The jig is up, Carol.
The kids talked to the witch.
You gave her Cappy and blamed it on Nathan.
Oh, please, that was 20 years ago.
So was "Achy Breaky Heart"! It doesn't make either of those things less wrong! I wasn't wrong! The bird was a menace.
Debbie hated taking care of it, it squawked at Tom, it bit you once, it had all of us arguing.
You should be thanking me.
Wrong again.
No one is thanking you.
No one.
'Cause for 20 years, I've carried the guilt of letting Cappy escape.
Yeah, and I have harbored feelings of hate for my very own brother.
Feelings that ultimately led to me keying his car.
Yeah.
Wait, you keyed my Camaro? They couldn't buff it out.
I had to add words.
"Nathan sucks at not being awesome.
" It's a double negative that means I'm awesome.
Look what you've done to us.
Well, not every plan is perfect.
Sometimes there has to be collateral damage for the good of the family.
Collateral damage - for once, just admit you were wrong.
- Yeah, Mom.
And without Cappy, I lost the election.
Okay? Who knows what I could've accomplished if I'd been elected class president.
I mean, I might've gone to a college Okay, fine.
I may have made a mistake on this one.
Although I think my greatest sin is loving my family too much.
But if you really need to hear me say it let me know.
Mother I shouldn't have given your bird away.
I was wrong.
I knew I was saving this for something.
Oh, I gotta say I never thought this day would come.
You know there are so many people that I want to thank, uh Debbie Dad This isn't just a win for us, this is also a devastating loss for Mom.
Look who's back.
Cappy? I don't like being wrong, so I made things right.
You can't just barge into my home and We had a deal.
You could keep the bird as long as my kids didn't find out he was here.
Well, they found out.
Now I need him back.
Wiccan spirits, hear me shout! Make this woman's teeth fall out! Cut the crap, Myra.
Our kids went to the same preschool.
If you really had magical powers, your little Jeremy wouldn't have been kicked out for drinking out of the toilet.
So he's ours again? We're keeping Cappy? We are? Yep-o! Cappy's back home where he belongs.
I'm gonna go get Cappy some crackers.
Here are his vitamins and a list of care instructions.
His favorite recipes are on the back.
Apparently, he's a little fickle.
Well, I'll let you guys catch up.
Although you probably have 30 years to do that, since parrots live to be at least 60.
Good night! Have fun.
Oh, she is good.
Did you see what she just did? She gave us the bird.
Oh, she gave us the bird, all right.
The cricket just ate the kitten.
She thinks that we're gonna bail on taking care of him, and prove that she's right.
But we're not.
'Cause we are gonna take care of Cappy, no matter what.
Call me if you need anything.
But we're Nathan! No, no, no, no.
I can't take care of a bird.
They're a lot of work and they're really expensive.
Listen, that bird may squawk a lot, but he's never gonna squawk as much as your mother will if we admit she was right.
Debbie, you can do this.
And don't worry.
I'll pay for whatever he needs.
Okay, fine.
Yeah.
We can't let Mom win.
That's the spirit! Together we can take care of this beast.
I'll also help you with the bird.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tom, Tom, you can't put the blanket on.
We're we're trying to keep him awake so he doesn't squawk all night.
- Was that him squawking? - Yeah.
I thought it was your bedsprings I was impressed.
Till I realized it was my daughter.
Then I got angry.
Then I fell asleep.
Okay, well, we gotta take the blanket off.
Aw, do we have to? The bird remembers every insult Carol ever yelled at me.
It's like being married again.
Tom has a flat butt.
Flat-butt Tom.
I do not have a flat butt.
Flat-butt Tom.
Yeah? You're the one with a weird butt.
It's just feathers and a hole! You don't understand.
That bird keeps us up all night long.
Then I have to spend all day cooking these special noodles for him.
Oh, and if they're not cooked properly, he gets bird diarrhea.
Okay? Last night our living room looked like Jackson Pollock stopped by.
And had diarrhea.
This hasn't been easy for me, either, all right? I mean, I had no idea how expensive this thing would be.
His eyedrops alone cost $200.
Oh, yeah, about that I'm not putting those in anymore.
No, no, no, no.
You have to.
Every time I try, he pecks my hair out and it hurts, Nathan.
How would you like losing your hair one clump at a time? Ow! Ow! Let go.
No.
Ow! You let go.
You let go! Come on, this hair is on the news.
Okay, fine, fine! Fine! Ow, gosh.
I'll do the drops.
What is your problem? No, you shut up! That bird is a jerk.
Do you think I have a flat butt? I don't know, Dad.
I tried to look at it in the bathroom mirror, but I had to jump up higher than the sink and I'm not in the air long enough to get a good look.
Do we have a camera? I got one.
And I'm going back in for two.
I like that restaurant.
Next time, can we take Cappy? Well, they had an open pizza oven that was very hot plus some dangerous ceiling fans, so maybe.
Uh, honey, did you leave the TV on for Cappy? Hmm? Artie? The front door was unlocked.
I thought I locked it.
I've been freeing up some space on your DVR.
You already saw The Bachelorette finale, right? Nope.
Well, she gave someone a rose.
Yeah Hey, Deb, I was telling Ray about Cappy's eyedrops, and he said that he'll give it a try.
Yeah, I like birds.
I worked on a documentary in the rain forest.
I got real friendly with a cockatoo named Jennifer, and I taught her how to whistle "La Cucaracha".
And I'm pretty sure she taught me how to say "I love you" in "bird".
He's in Mikayla's room.
Good luck with that.
So, couldn't find the spoons? Nope.
But, uh, you found the peanut butter okay? Yep.
You Hey, Cappy's gone! What? The bedroom window was open.
He must have escaped.
No! Cappy can't be gone! I'm gonna pick up the pieces.
I speak "bird".
I'm gonna find him.
Hey, little buddy, where you at?! Mr.
Parrot! Hey, what is the deal with you letting Cappy go? I thought that we agreed to tough it out.
Me?! I bet you're the one who did this.
You've been complaining about spending all the money.
Oh, please, I paid your rent for the last two years.
If I cared about money, I would have opened a window and let you fly out of here.
Okay, fine.
Well, if it wasn't either of us, then hen who else would have done it? Dad? Wasn't me.
If I wanted to get rid of that bird, I wouldn't be doing two hours of glute exercises a night.
Okay, well, then who did it? Why is Ray perched at the top of your oak tree? It was you.
Excuse me? You did it again, didn't you? But why? I don't know what you're talking about.
The bird! You got rid of him again! Please.
Mom did you give the bird back to the witch? Answer me.
You want answers? I think we're entitled to them.
You want answers? We want the truth! You can't handle the truth! Son, you live in a family where people make mistakes.
Big mistakes.
Like idiot fathers buying parrots for their children.
And someone needs to clean up after those mistakes.
And who's gonna do it?! You?! You?! You?! As your mother, I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! You can all try to hide from me that you aren't miserable with this bird back in your life, but a mother knows.
You weep for your precious Cappy and you curse my methods.
You had that luxury.
You had the luxury of not knowing what I do.
My existence, while sometimes grotesque and incomprehensible to you, is good for this family! You don't want the truth, because, deep down, you want me at that window.
You need me at that window.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a family who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the parrot-free lifestyle I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way.
Did you give the bird back to the witch? I did what any good mother would do.
Did you give the bird back to the witch?! You're gosh darn right I did! That bird was tearing this family apart.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
See? I told you you would all thank me.
I wasn't wrong, was I? You know why? I'm never wrong.
No-no-no-no-no, this is wrong.
What about Mikayla? She loves that bird, and now she's gonna think that she left the window open, and she's gonna blame herself for the rest of her life.
And then she's gonna marry Artie, and I'm gonna have to tell him that I love him.
And I'm a terrible liar.
And he's just gonna see right through that, and I'm never gonna see my grand-kids.
Did you ever think of that, Carol? Oh, I thought of that.
Who do you think left your front door unlocked? Artie let Cappy out! There's peanut butter all over the window! It's better when the collateral damage lands outside the family.
I swear, I was on the couch the whole time! Leave and never come back! Thank you!