The Mindy Project s01e05 Episode Script

Hey.
Hey, sleepyhead.
Josh? Hmm? Josh.
No.
Dude, wake up.
What? Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm sorry.
It's nothing.
It's just that I got cold, so I put on your button-down, but it doesn't even fit me right, 'cause I'm just a girl.
No, that actually looks really good on you.
Come on, no.
Yeah.
Yeah, you look like drew Barrymore in one of those movies I hate.
No, I don't.
Come here.
Back in bed.
You have work.
Back in bed.
Okay.
I have an idea.
How about we both play hooky today? Okay, can maybe do that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah? How does this sound? I'll go out, get us some coffee and croissants mm-hmm.
And when I get back, that shirt better be back on the floor.
Okay.
Okay.
What are we even doing, Josh? I can't even believe my life right now.
This is bad.
You are a bad influence on me.
This is weird.
What happened to my jeans? Oh, my God.
The waist always like this? Take those off right now.
This is bizarre.
There's all these jolly ranchers in the pocket.
You are wearing my jeans.
Please take them off right now.
No, it's fine.
We're doing the same thing.
No.
You're wearing my shirt, I'm wearing your jeans.
No, no, it is not the same.
Okay? This is adorable.
That is like a lap-band surgery ad.
Lot of room in the back.
Oh, my God, Josh! Hey, what kind of coffee do you want? I don't want coffee! I want you to go to work, and I want you to take your damn shirt! Okay.
This took a turn.
Are you still here? Yeah.
Can I have my tie, please? Leave your tie.
I'm gonna use it to hang myself.
媻 I know you said that you don't want to know the sex of your baby, but let me just tell you, It's the good one.
Bye, Courtney.
Did you receive my texts? I don't need to read your pathetic "take me back" texts.
I'm sorry that I haunt you.
Just please move on.
Yeah, I would like to move on, Mindy, preferably with the bulgari wristwatch that I left in your apartment the last time we you know.
The last time I accidentally allowed you to let me rock your world? Yeah, I might have seen the watch.
Wh-what are you doing in Dr.
Shulman's office? Hey.
Just working.
Why don't you work in your own office? You know, one of these days, Dr.
Shulman's going to retire, so sometimes I like to come in here and get a feel of what it's going to be like when I'm in charge.
Okay, if we are indulging imaginary situations, I would love to introduce you to my husband, straight Anderson Cooper.
You know, I can imagine that quite vividly.
I think the two of you would have an amazing chemistry.
Thank you.
Now can I please have my watch back? No.
Mindy, the anger I feel at the loss of my watch is exceeded only by my grief.
I'm in mourning.
Look, guys.
All this This under the Castellano regime won't be tolerated.
This is two colleagues trying to sort out a personal issue Exactly.
Who cares? Just go work it out in your own time.
Well, under the Lahiri regime, all voices will be heard.
Dr.
Lahiri? Not now, Betsy.
Part of the reason Dr.
Penney called about your appointment.
Oh, God, yeah.
Can you please reschedule it? That's the thing.
You've rescheduled five times.
I've been trying to tell you, he retired two months ago.
That's incredible.
A gynecologist that can't get it together to go see her gynecologist.
I'm going to ask Dr.
Shulman to be my gynecologist because I'm kind of his protege.
In your dreams.
Maybe when I'm in charge, you can be my protege.
Well, now give her a break.
I mean, she has a long line of virtues Chief among which, forgiveness.
Hey, man, you were mean to me, and I'm never going to give you back your watch.
I do not appreciate how I've been treated in this room.
Neither of you know what I'm capable of.
I'm a better doctor than the lot of you.
That guy cracks me up.
Very theatrical.
Morgan, hi.
Now I know we've only just met, but I'm absolutely fascinated by your biography.
I'd love to know more.
I was born in rockaway hospital.
They took me out little-caesars style through the guts.
Skipping forward a bit, um, I'm particularly intrigued by your background as a reformed criminal.
Did you ever learn to, say, pick locks? That was my specialty.
They used to call me the lock-ness Morgan, mostly because I would show up blurry in photographs.
But I don't do crimes no more.
Oh.
What a shame.
It's just I was hoping on slipping into Mindy's apartment while she's here at work and decorating it for a little surprise party for her Half birthday.
I love half birthdays.
Ah, I'm in.
Danny.
Danny, Danny.
Can you come here for a second? What's up? I can't tell you from out there.
Can you come Can you come a little bit closer? I'm coming in, yeah.
What do you think of this homemade retirement card that I made for Dr.
Penney? Be honest.
Take the sunglasses off the sun Makes no sense.
The sun's the only thing that never needs sunglasses.
Um, the sunglasses are the best part.
That is how you know that the sun is cool.
Okay, what are we doing here? Do you want to hear something interesting? Sure.
You can sit down.
No, I'm good.
Just talking to Dr.
Shulman.
He says that he can't take me on as a patient 'cause, get this Too close to me.
He just likes me too much, so I now need to find a gynecologist with whom I don't have a personal relationship.
You're looking at one.
Wait, wait.
What does that mean? You and I don't have a personal relationship.
Yeah, we do.
We just collaborated on this awesome card, and we share an office.
I share an office with lots of things.
You, that lamp.
I'm like the lamp? I'll put it this way: I have the same personal attachment to you both.
The lamp provides light to that part of the room.
You do what you do.
So what you're saying is that you could be my gynecologist.
Nah, it would never work.
Why wouldn't it work? Finish the card? I was just thinking about it.
If I'm like a lamp to you, how come you couldn't be my gynecologist? I could be your gynecologist.
I'm saying you couldn't be my patient.
And why is that? Come on.
No, why? Because you have a certain You know, look, it's human.
What are you saying? I see how you look at me when I'm in a t-shirt.
Are you kidding me? You are such a narcissist! You think I'm interested in your weird body? I do.
I think you harbor some very personal, un-lamp-like feelings for me.
I think, in fact, that you harbor un-lamp-like feelings towards me.
Not the case.
And you couldn't handle being my doctor.
Not the case.
Well, I guess there's only one way to find out.
Congratulations, you have a new patient.
Congratulations to you.
You now have the best ob-gyn in this practice.
Great day for both of us.
Yeah.
You're not even going to make it through the consultation, buddy.
All right? Wear your tightest t-shirt, Mr.
gorgeous, and don't check me out as I walk away.
Dr.
Reed, sweet burglar clothes.
Morgan.
I got my break-in tools.
I got a pick, screwdriver, a nice, juicy t-bone steak to distract any guard dogs.
Right? Wait, wait, Dr.
Reed! Wait! No, don't leave without me! Whoa! What are you doing here? How does she know about the surprise? I invited her to help decorate Dr.
Lahiri's place.
Ugh.
Any kind of party theme, I'm ready.
"Under the sea," "New York, New York," baseball cap, cell phone case, car keys This might be the lost and found box.
I like to ask all my new patients some lifestyle questions to learn more about their health.
Go for it.
And remember, you can stop this at any point if you begin to feel uncomfortable.
Hey, so can you.
When did you first start menstruating? Best night of my life.
What was the date of the first day of your last period? just when I wanted it to.
That's great.
Good for you.
And what's your typical amount of flow? Um Heavy on the first day, and then kind of Peters out by day four.
Are you sexually active? Ha ha.
Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? What do you think, Danny? Yeah, I'm sexually active, okay? I'd prefer if you call me Dr.
Castellano.
I'd prefer that.
Sorry, Dr.
Castellano.
Terrific.
When was the last time you had sexual intercourse? No, um, um, just write, "the last time that the moment was right" "The last time that the moment was right.
" "With someone I cared about, and feelings were mutual.
" Okay, I'm not writing all that, but "A while ago.
" Do you use contraception? Yeah, condoms.
But ugh, am I right? I don't know.
What does "ugh" mean? Well, condom etiquette, it's hard for women, you know? 'Cause you want to have condoms, but you can't keep them by the bed 'cause then it seems like you're, like, using them constantly, but you can't not have them, so you do, like, that whole dance.
Like, "oh, hey, I think I might have a couple somewhere, "from, like, a bachelorette party, like, I had as a goof," and then you have to look a couple wrong places before you finally, like, "find" them, Just to seem, like, ladylike, when you had them the whole time.
You never had that experience? Never.
How would you characterize the nature of your sexual activity? What is that supposed to mean? What do you do when you have sex? Is that on the sheet? We could stop.
You want to stop? No, I'm having a great time.
Great.
Thanks so much.
Next question.
We're in.
Excellent work, Morgan.
Thank you.
No guard dog? That's a waste of a steak.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, get in.
Whoa.
It's even more beautiful than I imagined.
It's pretty cool she can afford this place on a woman's salary.
Okay, first things first.
Mindy is a flashy, yet sophisticated, Cosmopolitan woman.
With that in mind, where should we hang the pinata? Above the stove.
No.
Nobody touch anything.
We're not here to decorate.
I'm looking for my watch.
But what about Mindy's half birthday? It was a fiction, and I, its author.
If you two take anything from this experience, Question everything.
So not only did I get tricked into breaking into my best friend's apartment, you're telling me there's no party? I got priors! This right here, this is strike two for me.
I could spend the rest of my life in jail if I so much as kill someone.
I'm out.
Do you exercise or play sports? I do the elliptical, three times a week.
There is a cluster of elliptical machines at my gym.
I am planning on joining a gym near my house, okay? "Sedentary.
" That's rude.
What medications do you take? I was taking fish oil until the bottle rolled behind my fridge.
"Almost takes fish oil.
" I'm very healthy.
You drink? Yeah, I have a glass of wine every night at dinner, for my health.
So Betsy's must've been the healthiest night of your life.
Hey, man, those were jagerbombs, all right? Not wine.
So joke's on you, "castel-lame-o.
" You're upset.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable talking to another doctor, but No, I'm fine.
I just don't know how many questions are on this insanely long and nosy questionnaire.
There's just one more page.
Okay, easy-squeezy.
All right.
"Do you plan on having children?" I'm gonna check "no.
" Wait, why would you check "no"? I do want to have kids, four of 'em.
Jaden, Madison, Brie, and the little one is piper.
Are you kidding me with those names? You want a bunch of girls who work at the mall? More like they own the mall.
But you aren't married or even in a committed relationship.
Yeah, but when I do get married, I'm gonna stay married, unlike you.
Okay, let's do the math of how these four kids are realistically gonna play out.
Okay.
Math away, nerd.
So let's say you spend the next year or so dating this guy.
You're 33 then.
You spend a year getting to know him, 34, two years living with him, 35, 36.
Finally he proposes.
You get married.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You're 37.
You start talking about having kids, but the maternity leave alone's enough to take you out of the game.
You spent so long building your career 38.
Now your husband starts resenting how busy you are.
He wants someone with more free time, but you don't want to stop working, so he moves out.
Divorce is finalized, 40, but you're not worried because 40's the new 30, right? You immediately start dating again, this time online.
Good news, you find a guy real quick and get married again.
Got a couple kids already, though, so it takes some time to convince him.
Do you manage to have one kid under the buzzer? Hey, anything can happen.
Okay, now that we're done with the paperwork, are you ready for your exam? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Danny's right, it's too late for me to have kids.
I have no one.
Okay, I know you're sad, but the floor is disgusting.
Do you know, when I die, in my will, I leave all of my money to Tina Fey? Tina Fey! I don't even know her! I just think that she would spend it in an interesting and responsible way.
Oh, I have such a girl crush on Tina Fey.
I hate it when people say "girl crush.
" No one's gonna think you're a lesbian if you just say "crush.
" Gwen, I don't want all of my money to go to Tina Fey.
I want it to go to my kids and grandkids so they can be crazy socialites.
Look, you've spent years building a career.
There's still plenty of time to figure the rest out.
You're not 22.
So what? No one is.
I think people are 22.
This Danny guy, he doesn't know what's gonna happen.
No one does.
Take Carl and me Do you remember how we met? Of course I remember.
You and I moved to the city to be fun, single roommates together, and the first time we go out, you get hit on by some 37-year-old pephile.
Oh, hey, don't call him that! I'm sorry, sexual predator.
Anyway, he buys you a drink, a year later, I'm maid of honor at the world's stuffiest wedding, and two years after that, you have some random baby.
Your goddaughter.
Whom I have grown to love.
Thank you.
The point is, when I met Carl, I didn't see it coming, and when it happens for you, you won't see it coming either.
Gwen, that was, like, crazy inspirational.
I don't say this lightly: You should write magazine articles.
Hey, Dr.
l.
, if you've been wondering wre I've been the last few hours, I was at the movies.
That's my ticket, so that's what I've been up to, alibi-wise.
Hey, Morgan, I want to encourage you not to check in with me as much.
Why are you on the floor? Did someone kick your ass? Emotionally, yes.
Well, lucky for you, guess whose number one trait is "listens good".
Me.
What's your name? Gwen.
"Gurn"? What kind of name is that? Dr.
Reed, stop this right now.
I'm calling Dr.
Lahiri.
To tell her what, Betsy? That you were my accomplice? That you dragged me here against my will to ravish me on her own bed? To eat her gummy worms? Hmm? I didn't think she'd miss a couple.
You know, some of the people around the office think you're a jerk Ohmy God.
But when you and Dr.
Lahiri started going on bedroom dates, I figured there had to be some good in you, but now that I see the kind of guy you are, I like you less, and that makes me like Dr.
Lahiri a little less too, which makes me not like you at all! Here's your dumb watch.
I found it in the nightstand next to a tube of really slippery toothpaste.
That son of a bitch.
I know.
Thank you for saying that.
I mean, he's technically your boss, so I would not repeat that, but thank you.
Listen, sit down.
I'm gonna give you guys some prison Wisdom.
Okay? If you're too tall for a blanket, sew together two of them.
Voila, long blanket.
Okay, that sucked.
That was a bad one.
That was a bad one.
Give me one more.
Okay.
Look, whenever I got my ass kicked, whether it was my literal butt ass or my emotional heart ass, I did the same thing.
I got back out there, and I made 'em regret they ever messed with me in the first place.
Is this helpful to you? I think it's heading somewhere helpful.
Okay.
Think of the best, strongest warrior version of yourself.
Give that warrior a name.
Never tell it to anyone.
Mine is axehead lundgren.
Come on, Morgan! Wait, keep going.
This is interesting.
Okay, okay, then whatever he's doing to the warrior, he's not doing to you, so you find his weakness, and you tell your warrior to go get him.
Wow.
You two are the smartest people that I've ever met.
I think you'd actually have pretty smart babies.
Did I sense a chemistry here? I was thinking the same thing.
Uh, definitely not.
What'd you say? I was talking.
Shauna, where's Betsy? Hmm? I suddenly have an opening in my schedule.
Did Dr.
Lahiri fold? Is she a virgin? I knew it.
Shauna, I can't comment on a patient, even one who's no longer a patient of mine because she couldn't handle it.
Now, I'm gonna use my free hour to work out.
Only an hour, Danny? Don't you need more than that to perfect all the hot muscles on your great body? That had the cadence of an insult, but it was a compliment.
Whatever.
I will see you in the exam room.
Whoa.
Hi, Mindy, how are you? My urine.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Great work.
And now, let's get your weight.
Uh, you're in luck, I weighed myself last night.
You can just write that down, Perfect.
We'll just verify that.
Why don't you hop right up here? Do you want to stop? No.
Just taking a second.
Okay.
Oh, we'll just Guess we'll have to add a little bit of weight.
God, you are such a jerk.
How do you sleep at night? I sleep pretty good.
No wonder your wife left you.
Hey, babe, we can stop this train anytime you want.
Don't listen to him.
What's that, Mindy? You're not Mindy, you're a warrior, and your warrior name is Beyonce pad thai.
Keep going.
Are you sure? Weigh me, you son of a bitch! Damn it! Oh! Good-bye, old friend.
Keep time.
You're a good doctor, Danny.
Yeah, okay.
No, I mean it.
Even with all of this, I'm really learning a lot.
Told you I was the best doctor here.
Why did want to be an o.
B.
? Were your parents doctors? Oh, please.
My mom cleaned motel rooms.
What about your dad? My dad? Your guess is as good as mine.
I haven't seen him in 25 years.
Wow, that must've been hard.
You know what? I'm glad it was hard.
If it wasn't hard, I wouldn't be who I am.
I'm happy that you feel enough of a personal relationship with me that you could open up about that.
What? I didn't I didn't open up to you about anything.
So I don't feel a personal relationship to you, okay? Can we just Just finish the exam? What's next? The breast exam, my friend.
Right.
Dr.
Reed, where have you been? Your patients were waiting so long, some of them are in a new trimester.
I went for a walk, Shauna, and I must have lost track of time, because you see, I still don't have A watch.
No offense, but that excuse stinks.
I told them you were helping a little black kid.
That's pretty good.
Huh.
I've never had a gynecologist examine my face before.
I'm just being thorough.
Yeah? Yeah.
If you feel uncomfortable with any of this, we can stop at any time.
Are you kidding me? I'm fine.
You sure? Absolutely fine.
Okay.
My breasts.
Yup.
Go nuts.
I will.
I will.
Okay.
Hey, hey.
Eyes down here.
Mmm.
Shut up, okay? Just come on, shut up.
What? What? Don't do that to me.
What am I doing? I'm sorry.
It's just, you were doing a good job.
Does everything feel normal? Yes, it feels It feels fine.
You know, um, after you finish this, we have the, uh, main event.
I can't, okay.
Okay, I I-I can't do this.
You're being ridiculous.
Why? I thought you thought of me as a lamp.
Why don't you just examine my wires? I'm going home, okay? I'm going home.
Everyone! Everyone! Listen up! I am sorry to announce that Danny Castellano was unable to finish my gynecological exam because of his personal feelings for me, which got in the way.
Dr.
Castellano, is that true? I'm not coming in tomorrow.
Danny! Danny, you may take the day off, but our friendship endureth.
Taking the week off.
See you, Danny! Nice to know ya! Beyonce pad thai! Thank you, thank you.
Thanks so much.
It was difficult, but I managed to win in the end.
Hey, I'm realizing that I still don't have a gynecologist.
I kind of dropped the ball on that one.
Do you think you can help me out with that? Yeah.
Proud of you, dog.
Peace.
You're a badass bitch.
I appreciate that.
Watch out for the wall.
Uh, left, left, left.
Right, right, yup.
Ugh! Yup.
Yup.
Awesome.
Go to bed.