The Nanny s01e05 Episode Script

Hurry up, kids, the limo's waiting.
I love saying that.
/ And I love hearing it.
Oh Oh, I'll get it.
You finish.
I have finished.
/ Oh, well you look again.
Good morning, Miss Babcock.
Come in, make yourself comfortable.
I see you have.
You don't know.
Between the boss and the kids, who's got time to dress? Mister Sheffield, Miss Babcock's here! Miss Fine, please! They've already freed Willy.
Oh, well don't you girls look gorgeous.
We wear these same uniforms every day.
Trust me.
Men dream about these outfits.
Come on, Brighton.
You're gonna miss the limo.
Is it the stretch or the town car? / Oh, what do you care? Just be grateful.
Your father had to walk ten miles in the snow to get to his limo.
Good morning, everyone.
Oh boy, don't you look handsome.
/ Well, thank you.
Oh, wait a minute.
You got a little shmutz.
Did she just spit on that tissue and rub it on his face? I brushed.
Okay, off you go.
Good luck on your math test.
What's six times twelve? / Seventy-two.
Yeah, that sounds right.
Does my hair look okay? / You're beautiful.
But let's save this for when you need a facelift.
There.
That's much softer.
Very pretty.
Oh, and my headache's gone.
And you have fun in school today, Gracie.
How can I when the polar ice caps are melting? Oh, don't worry about it.
I put a snorkel in your lunch box.
Now everyone, say goodbye to Daddy.
/ Goodbye.
Daddy? Did I miss the wedding? That twitch becomes you.
Is it new? Oh.
Let me fix your tie.
Oh, no good? I was trying a double Windsor.
Churchill wore one you know.
/ Oh, he must have been hiding a goiter.
Does Donna Reed ever give it a rest? Excuse me.
I have some pies I need to cool on the windowsill.
Well, Nanny Fine has certainly made herself at home.
Yes, yes.
She's proving to be an absolute treasure.
How lucky for us all that you dug her up.
I just hope the children aren't getting too attached.
She is the nanny, C.
C.
That's kind of the point.
Yes, but lately I feel like I haven't spent any time with you and the children.
C.
C.
, you've never spent any time with me and the children.
Why dwell in the past? Well, tomorrow is Miss Fine's day off.
We could go to the zoo.
The zoo? How marvelous.
We'll be like one big happy family.
You and me.
And the children.
/ Oh, of course.
That goes without saying.
C.
C.
, this is a side of you that's rather unexpected.
Maxwell, I adore children.
It's a natural thing.
A female thing.
I hear some females eat their young.
I don't wanna go to the zoo.
I had nightmares about fangs and claws and snarling.
Gracie, they keep the animals in cages.
She's talking about C.
C.
Oh, come on.
Stop being such a big fat baby.
You got a toothache, you go to a dentist.
I don't have a toothache.
Just slept on it wrong.
Who sleeps on a tooth? Unless you're waiting for a fairy.
Now open up, let me take a look.
Miss Fine, it's my mouth.
I reserve the right to keep it shut.
An option you might consider from time to time.
All right, but what are you gonna do when all your teeth fall out? I assume I'll me masticating for him.
I hope you get time and half for that one.
Why is this water so blasted cold? It's the polar ice cap! Now you see what happens when you neglect dental hygiene? Miss Fine, isn't this your day off? / Do you have to go? Well, I'd much rather be with you, angel, but I gotta be bridesmaid to my second cousin, once removed.
And believe me, she was removed for a reason.
Miss Babcock, I presume.
Good morning, children.
Good morning, Maxwell.
C.
C.
, don't you look smashing? Banana Republic? Abercrombie and Fitch, dear.
All right, so you paid double.
Well then, we're off to the zoo.
One second, Maxwell.
You have some crumbs.
Ow! / What? I did it just like she did.
That's it, no zoo for you.
You're going to see a dentist.
Oh, I remember a customer in the bridal shop.
She had a toothache, turned into an abscess, the infection got into the blood stream.
By the end of the honeymoon, they buried her.
Who's got the butter? I'm fine.
Besides, dentists don't work on Saturdays.
Oh yeah? Well, I got an Uncle Myron / How did I know? Don't laugh.
He's built an entire practice on availability alone.
Miss Fine, the children were counting on going to the zoo.
Well, Miss Babcock can still take them.
This is just how my nightmare started.
Oh yeah, remind me to do that anytime soon.
/ Just shut-up, Brighton! There you're home.
Are you happy? Niles, get me anything and make it a double.
We'll look who's out of Africa.
I take it the natives were restless.
/ Oh no, we had a marvelous time.
I think the highlight was when Brighton threw up in my helmet.
Oh, and it's so tricky getting vomit out of pith.
Try baking soda.
Fran told you not to let me have junk food.
/ You insisted.
Who listens to a ten-year old? We didn't even go to the petting zoo.
Is it my fault your sister had to stop at every bathroom? She must have a bladder the size of a walnut! Fran says it's not small.
It's just tilted.
I don't care if it's mounted on a gyroscope.
All day long, it's Fran, Fran, Fran.
If I hear the 'F' word one more time Fran enjoys spending time with us.
Fran enjoys spending.
.
Let me tell you something about your beloved nanny.
She gets paid to spend time with you.
I did it for nothing! That's not true! Fran loves us! / Gracie By the way, I also threw up in your purse.
So next week "Chuck E.
Cheese"? Hey, Ma, I look like Pat Boone's mistress.
God forbid you should outshine the bride.
Really, is it my fault she's a size eighteen? Did I shove the donuts in her mouth? No.
She was always jealous of you.
What are you doing? / Putting polish on my runs.
Well, you're supposed to use clear.
That looks like somebody bit you.
I should be so lucky.
Zip me up.
Oh, too tight? oh, I don't know about these straps, Ma.
You look like a ham.
The salesgirl said I looked like a dream.
Maybe Oscar Meyers.
She should choke on her commission.
Ah, it's six o'clock.
Comb your father's hair.
Morty, we're leaving without you! Part it on the right.
It stays better in the wind.
On the left is better.
One eye is smaller.
Be a doll, get my shoes.
Okay.
I never You know, Ma, if you wore leather your feet wouldn't sweat.
I should pay top dollar for shoes I'm only gonna wear once.
Nineteen ninety-five.
Oh, they're perfect.
Oh, they're like rocks.
Take the hair into your father before the glue dries.
Oy, too late.
Who's that? Oh, it's Gracie.
Ma, it's Gracie.
Honey, what are you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
Isn't she adorable? You want a scooter pie? That's your first question? How did you get here? What's the matter? I missed you.
/ Oh, well I missed you too, honey.
But you're supposed to be at the zoo with C.
C.
Maybe she's allergic.
You know, your Uncle Marvin was allergic to peacocks.
There are no shots for that.
Ma, I see your lips moving, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
Where's your father? How did you get here? I ran away.
I took a limo.
I ran away.
I took a banana.
Are you mad at me? No, angel, but who runs from Park Avenue to Flushing? Honey, you're running in the wrong direction.
She's running to you.
Oh, isn't this the sweetest thing I ever heard.
Now I know the love of a child.
You could get fired from all this love.
/ Why? What did I do? She's too emotionally attached to you.
/ Oh, she is not.
I'm her nanny.
Meanwhile, I have a girl who comes twice a week to clean.
If she left tomorrow, would I take a limo to Haiti? I'm telling you, it's not normal.
Keep it up, Ma.
The kid's dolls are in therapy.
Darling, you're home.
How was the dentist? I think you have a mouth full of cotton.
Oh, right.
Oh, hey, I had to take this out when I got home.
Niles.
Oh, goody.
Five more of these and I'll have a sweater.
How's the pain, Maxwell? Uncle Myron filled me with so much novocaine, it could bring down an elephant.
Then went on about his grandson, Robbie, the tap dancing genius.
I kept begging for the gas.
How was your day? It has to have been better than mine.
Oh, the children and I had a marvelous time.
We're much closer now.
Yes.
She really got Brighton to spill his guts.
Here, darling, have another cookie.
Ma, enough.
She's gonna pop.
Oh, let me spoil her.
At the rate you're going, this could be my only grandchild.
Sheffield residence.
/ Hiya, Niles.
Hello, Miss Fine.
How'd you know it was me? / Just a shot in the dark.
Do me a favor, put the boss on.
Niles, didn't say boo.
They have no idea she's missing.
Here, try the Entemann's.
Stop forcing food down her throat.
She's not a goose.
We're not making pate.
Hello, Miss Fine.
Oh, how are you, Mister Sheffield? Is everything okay? Oh, everything's splendid.
C.
C.
and the children had a marvelous time.
Uh-huh.
Well, let me talk to Gracie? / You wanna speak to Gracie? I'll fetch her.
/ I'll go.
C.
C.
's going upstairs to look for you right now.
Well she won't find me.
/ That's right.
Frankly I had my doubts about C.
C.
, but it seems she's full of surprises.
Uh-huh.
Wait.
She's a regular box of Cracker Jack.
You know, in a way, she's a good influence on the children.
Well, they can be wild sometimes, and she's so poised and collected.
She's gone! / What?! She's gone.
What do you mean she's gone? Where the devil is she? I'm not sure.
I'm almost positive she came home with us.
Well, well, don't you know? C.
C.
, she was in your care! Well, she could have sneaked out without my seeing her.
She is very small.
I have to call the police.
/ Hi, Daddy.
Grace, get off the phone.
I have to call Gracie, you're there? I'll be right there.
I'm leaving now.
No.
So are we.
You'll have to meet us at the wedding.
Go to Leonard's on Astoria boulevard.
Park in the car wash, ask for the Mishkin affair.
Bye.
L'Chaim! Oh look, Gracie, Jeffrey Mishkin's giving you the eye.
Why don't you go have fun, angel? And don't mention global warming.
Chicken.
For this I gave a fifty-dollar check.
You should have given them a bond, mad them wait.
Oh, Mister Sheffield, over here.
Who's the park ranger? That's his business associate.
/ Uh-huh.
She wishes.
So, Mister Sheffield, hi.
You remember my mother.
Mrs.
Fine, charmed.
/ That makes two of us.
I'd like you to meet my husband.
Morty! God, it's hereditary.
That's nothing.
On my father's side, they all have webbed toes, but excellent swimmers.
Sylvia Fine.
/ C.
C.
Babcock.
How do you do? Like a fish.
/ Hm-hmm.
Excuse me.
I have to bring Morty a plate.
No skin.
No butter.
No sauce.
Mr.
Gandhi ate better that that.
Better he should drop dead on me? Like I'd notice.
Hi, Daddy.
Sweetheart, oh you scared me half to death.
We were worried sick.
/ You didn't even know she was missing.
Well, I would have been worried sick had I known.
Honey, what happened.
Why, why did you run away? Well Oh, it doesn't matter why.
All that matters is she's okay.
C, C.
C.
, you're smothering the child.
She won't be happy till she's finished her off.
Gracie, dear, go and get your coat and we'll discuss this at home.
But I don't wanna go home.
After they cut the cake we're having Schnapps.
That sounds delightful.
But you see, to, today is Miss Fine's day off.
And, well, we wouldn't want to intrude.
So then it's true.
/ What's true, angel? That you only spend time with me because Daddy pays you to.
What kind of a vicious cold-hearted imbecile would say something like that? Well, I meant it in the nicest possible way.
Oh, C.
C.
! Sheffield! / Oh God, Uncle Myron.
The nightmare continues.
I want you to meet my grandson.
Robbie.
Myron, not now.
/ Hit it! Laugh and cheer up, put on a happy face.
********************* Well, they were all ganging up on me.
So you take it out on a six-year old.
/ She started it.
Oh, that's very mature.
/ Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.
Now come on, let's move on.
The important thing is so put on a happy Will you shut-up! Well, that was only slightly more painful than the toothache.
Meanwhile, what about poor little Where's Grace? Well she was right here.
See? And you both jumped down my throat! Gracie? Looking for something? / Yeah.
If she's three foot two and not a Jew, she's in the powder room crying her little eyes out.
Oh, I better go talk to her.
/ No, Miss Fine, she's my daughter.
I'll talk to her.
Maybe you better talk to her.
Creep! Gracie? I'm never coming out.
Oh, honey, aren't you getting a little claustrophobic in that teeny-weeny stall? C'mere baby.
Oy, one day with my mother and you're ready for Jennie Craig.
Honey, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? Okay.
/ All right.
It's true, I do get paid to take care of you.
But I don't get paid extra for loving you.
And I do.
I love you, too.
Oy, let's face it, Grace, I'm no Ivana Trump.
Of course, neither is she anymore.
I got on lousy Christmas Club account with maybe forty-nine cents in it, so I gotta work for a living.
Lucky for me I got the best job in the whole wide world.
I love you.
And you don't just do it for the money? Believe me, by the time they take out state, and federal, and FICA, it's a labor of love.
Let's see, what d'we look like here? Oh, yuk, I'm a mess.
What's Jeffrey Mishkin gonna think? I'm all puffy.
Honey, he's gonna think you're gorgeous.
Now you'll first look like his mother.
Grace, are you all right? Through pain comes growth.
What? / She's fine.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Go, dance with your daughter.
All I wanted to do was have the children like me.
I try so hard to be loving and sensitive and fun.
I can also juggle.
/ Beat it you untalented little troll! You are a regular Mister Rogers.
Look, I can understand that you're incredibly threatened by me.
Yes, even in this dress.
However, it doesn't mean that we can't all live under one roof.
Oh, that's right, you don't live with us.
Your point? Look, you're a lovely woman, and I wish you well.
But if you ever hurt one of my kids again, they'll be wiping your blue blood off the walls.
And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Pardon me.
Ma, what are you doing? Why shouldn't I have a little centerpiece? But they haven't even cut the cake yet.
You're already taking the flowers? Well, for my fifty dollars, I should get something.
Look, Ma, she's standing on his shoes.
Is that the cutest thing you ever saw? Adorable.
Go cut in.
when thoughts a gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style, so put on a happy face.
Great.
One more time.
Grey skies are gonna clear up.
Put on a happy face