The Neighborhood (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Mmm! Mmm! Baby, your pot roast is my favorite dish.
So, why didn't you eat more of it, then? Oh, no.
No, I'm not going into another food coma on family game night.
Your casserole last week gave me the itis.
Yeah, you are the only person I've ever known to fall asleep playing Twister.
It was like, left hand on blue, right hand on green, drool on yellow.
(LAUGHS) Well, y'all are in trouble tonight, because I took a nap at work.
And I'm about to destroy y'all butts in some Uno.
What is it with you and that game? Yeah, man, that box says it's for seven-year-olds.
And up! Don't forget about the "and up"! (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, who's that? It better not be Crackhead Victor.
I told him I don't want to buy no life jacket.
Oh, damn.
Is it Victor? No, worse.
The Johnsons.
Did somebody say "game night"? What are you guys doing here? I invited them.
Come on in, guys.
When we heard you guys had a weekly game night, I got so excited.
Dave loves games.
Yeah, the whole family does.
Dave loves games.
Okay, maybe I love them a little bit more than everybody else, but what's not to love? People coming together in the spirit of competition, cooperation, camaraderie.
I usually fall asleep.
Okay, Calvin, what do you say? You ready to square off against another OG? Original gamesta.
Your turn.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh Hmm.
Jenga.
I win! Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Which brings us to our fourth option Potato Famine Farmers.
You did this.
Okay, now, the rules are really quite simple.
Everyone will play as farmers during the Irish Potato Famine, who are trying to get their families back to Dublin so they can avoid starvation.
Now, to get there, you'll utilize a combination of victory points, agricultural bonuses, and trail attacks.
Now I don't want to get ahead of myself And this is not a requirement But what's everybody's basic understanding of Gaelic? You're right.
I did this.
No.
Come on.
This game is a blast.
Look, around here, we don't play games in Gaelic.
We play in English.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, that's why we play Uno.
Well, I vote for the potato game.
You know, I love Riverdance, so maybe I'll like this.
Hey, Malcolm, can I go play video games in your room instead? Yeah.
Sure, little man.
Whoa.
Uh, seriously, buddy? You you want to go play video games instead of having fun with your family and friends? See ya.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
I'm going with Grover.
Whoa, hold on.
I Calvin, Calvin, this Look, this'll give us a chance to all hang out and have fun together.
Come on, baby.
He's our guest.
Let's play a new game for a change.
Okay, but I don't want to be a shamrock sharecropper.
What other games you got in there? Uh, okay.
You know what? Here's a good one.
It's called Naming Names.
Naming Names? Around here, that game is called "snitching.
" Mm-hmm.
I actually like this one.
Actually? Take the win, sweetheart.
Come on, Milton Bradley.
How do you play? Joke's on you.
Personal hero of mine.
Okay.
Here's how this works.
I'll read a question from the deck like, "What's your favorite hobby?" And then everyone will write down their answers.
And then I'll read the answers, and we'll all guess who wrote what.
Okay.
Cool.
I'll keep score.
Well, it's not really about keeping score.
It's-it's more of a game of just getting to know each other.
Well, get to know me.
I'm Calvin Butler and I keep score.
All right, after eight rounds, guess who has a ten-point lead.
Me.
(LAUGHS) How do you say "I'm kicking your ass" in Gaelic? (LAUGHS) Come on, Dave.
Hit me with another question.
Here's a good one.
"What's something bad you've done, but never told anyone about?" Damn, this is a nosy-ass game.
Okay, while you're all writing, I'll tell you mine.
Uh, I once asked for a water cup at a fast food restaurant and filled it with lemonade.
Wow, Dave.
Thank God you turned your life around.
Okay.
All right, all right.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Here we go.
Here we go.
- All right.
The first answer is Oh, it looks like I'm not the only bad boy in the room.
Someone wrote, "I shoplifted.
" Malcolm.
He doesn't have a job.
It's got to be him.
Boom! Another point for your boy! Whoa.
So, just because I don't have a job, that makes me a thief? I'm just saying, if the shoe fits, you probably stole it.
Well, you can take your point off, 'cause it wasn't me.
It was me.
I'm the shoplifter.
Oh, damn.
I should've knew it.
Malcolm was too obvious, man.
Damn, Gemma, you're a thief? I can see that.
You never told me you shoplifted.
It was a long time ago.
Is it weird that I'm turned on by that? I was in junior high.
Then the answer is yes.
Wait.
So, what'd you steal? A Star Trek backpack.
Oh, damn it.
It's sexy again.
(LAUGHS) Wait.
You stole a Star Trek backpack? Gemma, live long and plunder.
Actually, I was aiming for the Spice Girls, but I panicked.
I wanted Sporty, but instead I grabbed Spock.
- Hmm.
- And then what? I ran out.
Damn! My girl Gemma outrunning the po po.
No, no, no.
No one chased me.
ALL: What? Yeah, I was so on edge, I binged, like, four Cinnabons - just to calm down.
- Ooh.
Girl, if you was black, you'd still be sitting in jail with type 2 diabetes.
Wait.
You think I got away with it because I'm white? - Yes, definitely.
- Yeah.
Of course.
Shoot, I was in the store the other day.
Security followed me so long, I thought I did steal something.
- That still happens? - Are you kidding? I have more followers in a department store than I do on Twitter.
Yeah, it's profiling, man.
It's still an everyday thing for us.
Yeah, tell me about it.
You just did it to me.
What are you talking about? You just accused me of shoplifting and called me a thief.
I was playing a game.
Stop being so sensitive.
Oh, so now you're calling me soft? All right, you two.
Yeah, um, you know what? Let's do another question.
(LAUGHS) Here's a good one.
"Who's your favorite Smurf?" No, you know what, Dave? I don't want to play with somebody who keeps disrespecting me.
Boy, sit down.
Ain't nobody disrespecting you.
Yes, you are, Pop.
You do it all the time.
Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if you did something worthy of my respect.
Forget this, man.
I'm out of here.
Malcolm? - (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) - Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to start a fight just because I stole a stupid backpack.
You stole a backpack? The point is, I felt so bad for stealing that backpack, I realized the right thing to do was to return it and apologize.
Good job, Mom.
I'm proud of you.
Aw, thanks, baby.
All right, buddy.
Now go put on your pajamas and brush your teeth.
I'll be up to tuck you in in a minute.
Wow.
You handled that really well, but why didn't you tell everybody else you returned the backpack? Because I didn't.
I'm a thief and a liar and a terrible mother.
That-That's not true.
You're not a terrible mother.
Yes, I am.
I just lied to my son's face.
Yes, I know, but that's only because you don't want him to grow up to be like you.
I'm serious.
What do you think I should do? Return the backpack? Wait.
You still have it? Gemma, that's sick.
And, again, sexy.
Ugh! I feel terrible.
Well, how do you think I feel? I just drove a wedge between Calvin and Malcolm.
I tore their entire relationship apart.
I think you're being a little dramatic, Dave.
Dramatic? I'm a home-wrecker.
Whatever.
I never want to play this stupid game again.
Well, it's not the game's fault.
Hate the players, not the game.
What are you still doing here? Have you been up all night? Oh.
(LAUGHS) Well, Dave left behind Potato Famine Farmers.
At first I started playing it ironically, and then I got hooked.
(LAUGHS) Daddy, my family is starving! (KNOCKING) - Hey, Calvin.
- Hey, Dave.
I just wanted to come over and make sure everything was okay.
I feel really bad about last night.
Why? Because I won? (LAUGHS) Don't hate the player, hate the game.
I think you're saying that wrong.
Hey, what's up, Dave? You ready to go, Pop? Wait.
So, you guys are okay? - Yeah, why wouldn't we be? - Yeah.
Come on, let's go.
Oh! Would you get that game out of here before Marty turns into a potato head? Hey, uh, Marty, can I ask you something? Now is not a good time, Dave.
My wagon is stuck in a ditch, and my wife Lorelei's water just broke.
Well, it's just that your dad and Malcolm got into a huge fight last night, and now they seem completely fine.
Yeah, that's what they do.
Things blow up, they ignore it and pretend like it never happened.
Well, has it always been like that? No, it started when Malcolm stopped playing baseball.
I didn't know he played baseball.
Yeah, well, I didn't know wolves could eat my baby.
Why'd he stop? Uh, he, um, he got injured in the minors.
It kept him from making it to the big leagues.
Oh, man, he must have been crushed.
Yeah, so was my dad.
Baseball was their thing.
You know, maybe since they can't connect over baseball anymore, I can get them to connect over a different game.
(LAUGHS) Well, it can't be this one, because it is ruining my life! Thank you so much for coming with me.
Are you kidding? White girl returning a bag she stole 20 years ago Nothing on TV better than this.
I just want to set a good example for Grover, you know? I don't want him thinking I'm a hypocrite.
Eh, all good parents are hypocrites.
My boys think I'm at church right now.
I have kind of a weird situation, and I know it's gonna sound a little crazy, but I need to return a backpack I stole from one of your stores in 1998.
I get it.
When my uncle got sober, he had to make amends, too.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not getting sober.
Mama needs her wine.
I'm just trying to return this backpack.
Okay, maybe you should take it back to the store that you stole it from.
(LAUGHS) Well, to do that, I'd need Marty, Doc Brown, and a DeLorean.
I don't know what any of those things are.
Listen, Meadow, I have a six-year-old son, and I lied to his face.
I need to return this backpack so I'm not a liar anymore.
Because if a kid can't trust his mom, he can't trust anyone.
So you are gonna take this damn backpack and help me save my baby boy.
Okay, let me, uh, handle this.
Hi, Meadow.
All my friend here needs to do is return that bag, so what is the best way to resolve this situation? I'm sorry.
I can't resolve anything for you.
Well, I hear you say that, but I don't feel like you really tried.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa, there's no need to be aggressive.
I'm not being aggressive.
I don't appreciate your tone.
My tone? Th-Th-There's nothing wrong with my tone.
I was just trying to help my friend.
Security? I've got a situation with a very angry woman and her blonde friend from the '90s.
Oh, my God, she just called you angry.
(SCOFFS) Tina, I don't know if you realize this, but you are being profiled.
Oh, my God, Gemma.
I think you might be right.
Well, I am not just gonna stand here and watch you be disrespected.
See, now you're upsetting my customer.
Oh, you want upsetting? I will show you upsetting.
Okay.
All right, let's go, Angela Davis.
- You're gonna get me arrested.
- You may not realize it, but you should be ashamed of yourself.
Y-You need to get woke! She's black, and I'm proud! Okay.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Who's up for some cornhole? Did you get beat up a lot as a kid? Not as much as everybody thinks.
(CHUCKLES) Wait, wait, guys, hold on.
You guys should really talk about your issues.
If you don't want to do it for yourselves, do it for me.
That is the least compelling reason to do it.
Hey, Dave, look, it's cool, man.
We're fine.
Yeah.
Look, I-I know, as a man, how hard it is to talk about our feelings.
I wish it was harder for you.
Marty told me about how your problems started when Malcolm stopped playing baseball, and I think maybe it's because alpha males, like us sometimes use sports to connect emotionally.
Guys, it's not healthy to keep having these blowups and pretend like they never happened.
You know, you're suppressing your feelings.
Suppressing our feelings? No.
We don't suppress anything around here.
Right, Malcolm? - I - See, I told you.
- I think Dave is right.
- What? I think Dave's right.
We should play the game and talk.
About what? About how you talk to me.
How you disrespect me.
Look, I-I'm sick of it, man.
Oh.
Oh, so you're the one sick of something? Yeah, Pop, I'm sick of it.
Huh.
Okay.
Okay.
See, now we're communicating.
Who wants to throw the first beanbag? If you don't get your ass out of here, you're gonna be the first beanbag.
Let the healing begin.
You feeling better now? Yes.
I just can't believe she treated you like that.
I told you, it happens all the time.
But maybe this time we can use it to our advantage.
How? Follow my lead.
You drop the goods, and I'll handle the rest.
Okay.
I'm just gonna have this other Cinnabon first.
How do you not have an ass? Ka-kaw! Ka-kaw! (LAUGHS) You followed the wrong one.
And you couldn't handle the '90s.
All right.
Go ahead, big man.
Say what you got to say.
Well, Dave said playing the game will help us to do it.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Yeah.
There.
Go.
We're playing.
Oh, damn, I made it.
You know what, just forget about it, Pop, 'cause you're not gonna listen to me, anyway.
There you go.
Quitting 'cause you lost.
Classic Malcolm.
Had enough of you talking to me like that.
Mm.
Ever since I stopped playing baseball, you treat me like I'm a bum.
Well, ever since you stopped playing baseball, you been acting like a bum.
What am I supposed to do, Pop? J-Just get some job and forget that I was ever good at baseball? I did 6:00 a.
m.
workouts every day, took batting practice till my hands bled.
I gave everything I had to baseball.
Worked my ass off chasing my dream and just for my arm to go out on me, Pop.
You have any idea how unfair that is? What you want me to say, Malcolm? Life is unfair.
But what are you gonna do? Just sit in the living room all day and guard the damn furniture? Do you see what I'm saying, Pop? Why do you have to come at me like that? I'm trying to get you to fight, son.
I don't want to fight with you.
I don't want you to fight with me.
I want you to fight back.
Fight back at what? At life.
I'm trying to motivate you, son.
Pop, when you tear me down like that, it doesn't motivate me.
It just makes me feel like like I'm worthless.
Worthless? You're my son.
There's nothing worthless about you.
Malcolm, I loved watching you play baseball.
And you know why? Because you were fearless.
You dove for every ball, you always took that extra base, and you never struck out without swinging at the pitch.
You always went down swinging.
That's because when I was a kid, you told me if I didn't try my hardest, I would have to walk home.
Yeah, you remember that time you had to walk home - in a thunderstorm? - (CHUCKLES) How can I forget? It was an away game.
Look, son, but these last couple of years, you've been caught looking.
You need to start swinging again.
I know, Pop.
But at what? Anything.
I mean, a swing and a miss is always better than no swing at all.
Well, maybe you're right.
I is time for me to start swinging again.
Yeah.
And, look, I may be tough, but I always got your back.
Well, I would appreciate it, Pop, if you would just cut down on the jabs a little bit.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
All right, I can do that.
So what you thinking, like five jabs a week? (LAUGHS) How about two, Pop? Okay, three it is.
Deal.
I'm-a do you one better.
Come here, man.
Love you, boy.
Love you.
- Oh, damn.
- What? Did Dave's little cornhole plan work on us? It sure did.
Well, all right.
So, y'all are starving, but my oxen are yoked.
My sheep are shorn.
And Uncle Seamus's amputation went off without a hitch.
Dublin, here I come.
Oh! Boom! Bumper crop.
(LAUGHS) Where you gonna get your french fries from now, huh? Me! After tonight, this goes in the trash, too.
Yeah.
(LAUGHING)