The Neighbors s01e05 Episode Script

Previously on "The Neighbours" These are the Weavers.
This is there new house.
And these are their new neighbours.
I'm Larry Bird, leader of this community and immediate neighbor to your west.
We're just living amidst golf cart-driving pie makers with the names of professional athletes.
I'm sure there's an explanation for this.
We hope that you will consider staying.
We believe there's much we could learn from one another.
- This will be a good block to hit.
- Yeah.
Look at the size of this house.
Blinds are down, no car in the driveway.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Bucket full of Halloween candy and "please just take one" note.
Suckers.
Excuse me, parents? You're setting a terrible example for your children.
You're aware of that, right? Do you have any idea how many years your father and I have fantasized about not having to take you trick-or-treating in an apartment building? Big houses, open streets, no more ringing doorbells in a hallway that smells like soup.
Kids, what's the Weavers' favorite holiday in the whole world? - Christmas! - Christmas! Aside from christmas! - Easter! - Thanksgiving! No.
Halloween.
You gotta say "Halloween.
" Halloween! Halloween! That's right! Hey, we need a plan of attack.
What I'm thinking we should do is we get here early.
We'll put Max on one corner, we'll put Abby on the other.
We'll hit 'em right from each side.
Hurry up! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Come on! That's secure.
Hup, hup, hup, hup! Hup, hup, hup, hup! Kids, go in the house.
So, guys, uh, what's doin'? Every year since we've arrived, on the last day of your October, tiny devils have gathered at our main gate en masse, ready to invade.
In the past, our gate has kept them at bay.
- Should they breach it - We will rain hellfire and fury upon them.
Rain hell upon them! Good! Burn, little one! What's our favorite holiday? Halloween.
S01E05 Halloween-ween - Hup, hup, hup - Okay, here we go.
The last day of October, you are not being invaded.
It's a holiday.
It's called Halloween.
Kids dress in scary costumes, and they go door-to-door asking strangers for candy.
So, if I'm to believe thisthisHallo-feen - Halloween.
Ween.
- Halloween-ween? No, no, no, no.
Just one "ween.
" Really? Really? You know what? Come inside.
We'll show you guys.
Come on.
Halloween-ween.
As you can see Halloween's kind of our jam.
I always do a buddy costume with Max, and this year we're doing Nemo and Nemo's dad.
Come on.
Watch this.
Dad? Dad! My mom is dead, and now I realize I need my dad! I'm Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! I've been working on my Albert Brooks, like, all week.
- How was I? - You were fine.
The boy needs work.
And Abby's Rapunzel.
Every year, Abby gets all clingy and shy on Halloween night.
Won't let go of our hands.
It's wonderful.
Reminds us that we're still needed.
and then there's Amber.
Is knocking too hard for you? Is it too hard to make a fist and bang it against a door? Learn to knock! She is full of piss and vinegar, this one.
Amber and I do punny, topical political costumes.
Come on, Amber, baby, tell them.
Okay, fine.
Well, as you know, last year I went as the financial collapse.
Yeah.
She dressed as a dollar sign, and then just fell down randomly.
It was mom's idea.
It was basically genius.
This year I'm going as Obamacare.
It's gonna be bril.
Halloween is a real bonding experience for Amber and Debbie.
It gives them an opportunity to - Everyone get out.
- We should go.
- Let's go.
- Go, go, go.
You see, guys, you can stop preparing for war And start buying candy.
It's fun.
- It seems somewhat harmless, husband.
- To you, maybe.
Every great leader in history is defined by the threat he protects his people from.
Your Churchill had Hitler.
My father led the invasion of Uranus.
- Aw, you never laugh at those with me.
- It's funny! - Yeah.
- Please.
And I protect my people from October the 31st.
Every year, I guide them safely through the evening, and they celebrate me for it.
It's my war, and I want to keep it.
All the other kids are planning Halloween costumes.
I have no costume.
I feel so alone.
You can put together a good, easy costume last minute.
- Homeless guy's a good one.
- No, my father would never approve.
It's not a political statement about the homeless.
Just rub some dirt on your face.
Oh, no.
My father hates the homeless.
That's not the issue.
He just believes Halloween is dangerous.
Our dad is super into Halloween.
We do a costume together every year.
Wait.
You do a costume with your dad? - Yeah, every year Max does a costume with him.
- Abby! I'm talking to I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
Emma.
I'm talking to emma here.
Hey, a bunch of us are trick-or-treating as zombies together.
Our parents drink margaritas in the street while we go door-to-door.
You go to the doors without your parents? Of course.
We're not 5.
My mother told me that your Halloween costume Is going to be health care-related? If you want a partner in crime, I could go as the individual mandate.
- No, thanks.
- Death panel? Reggie, I was lying to my parents.
I hear everyone's pre-gaming Halloween at the fro-yo place, and I need to jump-start my popularity, So despite my better judgment, I've decided to sex up my costume this year.
- Canadian health care.
- I don't want to wear a costume! You have to! I'm going as a slutty magician.
If I do it alone, then I'm just a slut with a rabbit.
But if you do it, it's a thing.
Whatever.
'sup, Amber? - 'sup, hair? - What's up? You know, "Gossip Girl" does actually have kind of a point.
I can't be too obvious about it.
I have to be stealth sexy.
It's got to be a thing.
Okay, fine.
Reggie, you can be my costume partner this year.
So, death panel, 'cause I feel like It's got the most upside.
Would you stop? We're going as a slutty nurse and a hot doctor.
You have 24 hours to figure it out.
Whatwait, Amber, can I at least tell you my ideaI had for death panel? 'Cause it's pretty sexy.
Amber? Okay, I'm gonna put a pin in right here.
You put a pin in my tuchus! That's Albert Brooks.
So, Larry Bird can't know about this, But I quietly explained to the community your interpretation of Halloween-ween.
Not interpretation, Jackie, common knowledge.
Okay.
Listen, Debbie Weaver, you are our first human friends, and this is our first human holiday, and we'd like to learn more about it.
- And Larry Bird? - Don't worry about Larry Bird.
I told him his hair looked limp.
He'll be deep-conditioning for hours.
You know, we would love to help you out, Jackie, but we are planning our own Halloween right now.
Is it just me, or is anyone else schvitzing in here? Okay, Marty, enough from you.
Skirt needs to be shorter.
Neckline needs to be deeper.
Are you making a statement that without national healthcare, people won't be able to afford full-length skirts? Yeah.
Totally.
You know what? I'm just gonna do it myself.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
This is not happening.
You tell me that this is not happening.
I think she finally outgrew punny, topical halloween costumes, Marty.
I think our Baby's gone slutty.
No! Our baby has not gone sl hey, kids! What's up, Max? Costume's almost finished.
Change of plans.
I'm going as a zombie this year.
But you know, Max, come on, We trick-or-treat as a family, you know? Huh? We buddy up, huh? And Abby is afraid to let go of our hands.
Actually I want to go to the doors by myself this year, like a big girl.
What's happening, babe, huh? I'm falling.
Honey, tell me what's happening.
I don't know.
What's happening is that you now have the time to teach us about Halloween-ween.
- Halloween.
- One "ween.
" Halloween-one-ween.
Halloween! All right, everybody, listen up! First lesson of Halloween is trick-or-treating.
Which we taught our own kids before they abandoned us! Hold your pillowcases out! What is the meaning of this?! Does this have to do with Halloween-ween? Was this a ruse? Does my hair look lifeless or not? No, no.
It lacked luster.
Liar.
Now I'm over-conditioned.
Everyone back to your homes! Everyone stop! They want to learn about this, and if you're not going to teach them, I will.
The only thing you're teaching them is insubordination.
- Zabvronians, tell him.
- Halloween-ween sounds fun! Halloween-ween means candy! It will be a great way to meet men.
- It is settled.
- Wife! Everybody, trick or treat! Okay, good job, everybody! Mary Lou Retton, we have we have a few notes for ya.
See? You can dress as anything.
Something you've always wanted to be, Someone you admire, Something punny and topical with a light political bent! Yes, uh, I have a question at the back.
Supreme leader.
You claim that Halloween-ween is safe.
You claim that we may confidently open our gates on October the 31st, but how can you be sure that the people wearing costumes are not concealing weapons For murder? Seems like a stretch.
Whose side are you on? - It's not so bad.
- I hate it.
I'm not very happy with myself, either, If it's any consolation.
- It is.
- It's not.
I'm out.
- Did she leave? - She's gone.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
Trick or treat.
I got that wrong, didn't I? Is Reggie here? We have to be at the fro-yo place, and we're already late.
Hello, Amber.
Oh, crap.
When you said hot doctor and sexy nurse, I just assumed you'd wanna be the doctor.
Good god, man.
You know what? It's fine.
We can go as sexy nurse and asian transgender or something.
It's still a thing.
Come on.
- Good night, mother.
- Trick or treat.
So, the betrayal continues.
Oh, dial it down, drama queen.
I know how you feel about me doing this.
Like it or not, I am participating in this fun human ritual.
Tonight we will receive trick-or-treaters.
- Our youngest will be a trick-or-treater.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow your rolls.
Dick Butkus is trick-or-treating? Yes.
Tonight out little Dick turns tricks with the Weavers.
Hey, Dick.
Are you You told me to dress as someone I admire, so I dressed as you, Debbie Weaver.
And this is my Marty Weaver puppet.
Okay.
Why am I the puppet, and not her? All right, well, we should hit the road if we want to get the the fancy candy bucket neighborhood early.
Kids, let's go! You know, we could still make this fun.
You know, even though Max isn't doing a buddy costume, And Abby wants to go to the doors on her own.
And they've completely ruined Halloween for me.
Marty I hope you're all happy with your decision.
For ten years I have led you safely through this night.
But who am I to get in the way of candy? So allow these marauders to storm our gates.
What do I know? I'm only the supreme leader.
- Maybe he has a point.
- Yeah.
Husband, you're frightening them.
They should be frightened.
They should all be frightened to have an opinion that doesn't align with mine.
And now you will all pay the price.
Open the gates! Hold Hold Hold! Let's go! Flee! Flee! Flee! - Trick or treat! - Trick or treat! Take shelter in my home! I will protect you! Happy Halloween-ween.
Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Well Did I not warn you how frightening and dangerous tonight would be? - You did.
- He warned us! Who do we fear? Strangers.
And when do we fear them most? Halloween-ween! But who protects you on that day? Larry bird! Larry bird! Larry bird! Larry bird! Larry bird! Larry bird! Good neighborhood, good candy, good costumes.
- Hey, Max.
- Hey, Emma.
Come on.
We go up to the doors, and our parents follow behind.
Can I have my mom make you a cocktail? Oh, that'd be nice.
You sure, hon? Didn't you have a martini while we were getting ready? It calms me.
And are we really judging right now? Why don't you clear your internet history once in a while? That's okay, Emma.
I already had a martini at home.
See you later.
Sweetie, are you scared of the zombies? - No.
- They're not real zombies, Abby.
I'm not scared.
Our kids don't need us anymore, Marty.
Good, then maybe you'll finally get a job.
- Are you serious with this? - It wasn't me! It was the puppet! I can't control the puppet! Can't this wait? I hate to miss another round of mea culpas.
Husband, I'm sick of bickering about this.
Can you please just admit what this is? They need to rely on me, wife.
They need to need me.
If I lose that, I My beautiful husband, Do you have any idea how impressive you are? Oh, stop it.
Wait.
Was there more? 'cause I feel like I cut you off.
Halloween-ween is only one day a year, but you lead us every day.
You provide safety.
You provide us counsel.
You do everyone's hair.
You have an impossible job and you do it brilliantly.
I work so hard.
- I even work weekends.
- I know.
But you make it look so easy.
Well, I have the best wife.
Husband, they don't need to be frightened.
All they want is to learn, but they need a leader.
If you lead, they will follow.
That's one long, dark walkway.
Are you sure you don't want daddy to hold your hand and walk you to the door? I'm sure.
Are you sure, because it's a pretty scary front lawn, and you never know what's hiding behind the cauldron! Marty, let's use fear to manipulate our children.
You're the boss, dear.
- Dick, enough! - Dick, enough! All right, all right.
They're just children in costumes.
- Huh? - What did he say? They're just children in costumes.
We're not under attack.
It's just a ridiculous human holiday.
The children just want candy.
Enough! Observe! Trick or treat! Whoo! You did it! You did it! - All right! - Good job! What did you get? I said, trick or treat.
Slowly Slowly Slowly.
Thank you.
To your homes! Give the tiny humans the crap they desire! - To our homes! - To our homes! - To our homes! - To our homes! Babe, looks like Halloween is me and you from now on.
Well, hopefully we'll outgrow it, too, one day.
Look how much they gave me! Oh, boy! Yeah.
She said, "aw, you don't have any candy yet," and then she gave me all of this candy.
Here.
You hold it.
That way, every person will think I have no candy.
That way, they'll give me more.
So you're saying you need us for your candy scam? It sounds like you're saying you need your parents in order to cheat adults out of candy.
Listen, you are you in or not?! - Baby! - Of course we're in.
Hey.
I I think I want to do a few houses with you guys.
Honey, is everything okay? Yeah, it's just I think Emma wants to be my girlfriend.
I don't know if I'm ready for all that.
Half of me still thinks girls are gross.
So what you're saying is, you think Halloween is still a little bit scary? And you need us, in new, more important ways? What's happening here? Thought I'd find you here.
We bailed on the frozen yogurt pre-party.
There were, like, But only one exotic lady-boy.
Again, that was not a compliment.
Turns out, to my dismay, I have more self-respect Than the average Hey.
Come on, guys.
What do you say we hit a few more houses before I return lady-boy here to his brothel? Come on, guys.
Wait! I just wanted to say, I love you kids very, very much.
What your mother said.
I have no opinions of my own.
Okay, you know what, Dick? The puppet goes after tonight.
So? It was a magical Halloween-ween.
I told you there was nothing to be afraid of.
- And you were right.
- Mm.
Now I just want to sit back and share the holiday with my two sons.
- We're home! - Did quite well.
I'm sorry.
This holiday is just not for me.