The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e05 Episode Script

I love kissing.
And you know what else? I think I'm a really great kisser.
So, um, you wanna take this inside? Why? I think we're doing great out here.
Plus, I like making out standing up, because I don't get a roll over my pants.
- I can't do this again.
- What? We've been dating for two months, I've only made it as far as your porch.
Now, is there a problem, or are you just a porch tease? I told you what the problem is.
My kid is in there.
I've never introduced him to anyone I've dated.
I mean, that is a really big step for me.
I understand that.
I'm a dad.
I know what a big deal it is.
I let you inside my house.
But, Burton, your kid wasn't there.
I can't just parade random guys through my 8-year-old's life.
I mean, not that there's been enough guys to constitute a parade.
More like a circus, with more clowns.
So, uh, when do you think you might be ready? Soon.
Yup, before you know it.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, right around the corner.
Yeah, okay.
All right, I got it.
- Well, good night.
- Well, good night.
I'm getting inside.
- No, oh, no, you are not.
Stop it.
Oh, come on.
It hasn't been that bad, has it? I mean, didn't doing it in your car last week make you feel like a teenager? Yeah, until I got home and I had to ice everything.
No kidding.
I got a bruise from knee to nipple.
This is about taking our relationship to the next level.
But I can't.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, Burton, not yet.
- Okay.
- Well, good night.
- Well, good night.
Thank you.
You're a wonderful man.
You deserve a fantastic kisser like me.
Go away.
That's all you're getting tonight.
We're closed.
But we open tomorrow at 9.
Get here early before all the good stuff is picked over.
Hi.
- Who's she? That's my sister.
She used to be married to him.
Now he goes out with her.
And she's an awkward dater.
Wha? Wanna throw egg rolls out on the lawn for Burton? - Who's Burton? - The guy she's been seeing.
She doesn't wanna introduce him to Ritchie.
- Who's Ritchie? - Oh, I'm sorry, he's my son.
Wait, who are you? This is my girlfriend, Michelle.
Oh, girlfriend? Wow, when did that happen? About noon.
Still not letting Burton in the house? - Yeah, I can't.
It's not good for Ritchie.
- Is that it? Or are you just using Ritchie as a human shield to keep your relationship from moving forward? Oh Hmm.
Uh, Matthew, I am not really comfortable discussing my personal life in mixed company.
Christine.
You can't leave Burton out there forever.
You don't wanna be a porch tease.
- Is that really a thing? - No, we were listening.
Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
- I thought you liked him.
If you keep him out on the porch much longer, you're gonna lose him.
No, I'm not.
Burton's totally fine with it.
He wants me to take my time.
No.
Guys need to know they're moving towards a goal.
- They need to know when they're winning.
- Yeah, it's why we like sports and war.
Well, he's not gonna break up with me just because I'm not ready to move forward.
- Is he? - Men don't like stop signs.
They like green lights and war.
You know, Richard was nervous about introducing me to Ritchie.
But you just have to take the leap and know that he's gonna be okay.
He's a great kid.
You're a great mom.
Oh, thank you.
Like now, Ritchie and I get along great.
We laugh at each other's jokes, we have cute nicknames for each other.
Yeah, I said, thank you.
Mom? Oh, hi, sweetie.
You're up.
How was your night? It was good.
I saw a dead mouse.
Oh, sorry I missed that.
You didn't.
I kept it.
Oh, even better.
Um, ahem, listen, sweetie I wanna talk to you about something, okay? You know how you have a best friend at school, Austin? Mm-hm.
Well, Mommy has a best friend too.
And his name is Burton.
Does he pick his nose? I hope not.
Does he teach you dirty words? Couple.
But he's a very nice man, and I would like for you to meet him.
But only if you would like to meet him.
Like to meet him? No.
Well, he would like to meet you.
And I would like for you to meet him.
So, what do you think? - No, thanks.
- Well, you're gonna meet him.
And if you don't like him, you don't have to see him again.
- Okay.
- Okay, all right.
Go to sleep now, sweetie.
It's late, okay? We can talk about this in the morning if you want.
- I don't want to.
- We'll talk about it in the morning, okay? - I love you, darling.
Night.
- Night.
Oh, God.
- What are you doing? - Cleaning.
Why? Is Mom coming? I'm not here.
I'm studying for the bar.
What'd we tell her last time? Law school? Med school? What? Matthew, pull yourself together.
Mom is not coming.
I'm tidying up so Burton doesn't think I'm a slob.
Oh, God.
Why am I bothering to do this? I'm not gonna pretend to be somebody I'm not.
He can either take me the way I am, or not at all.
Wow, you will really go to any length to justify not cleaning.
I know, right? Oh, God.
Okay, uh, yeah, just Just a second.
Ritchie.
Ooh, look at you.
You look adorable.
Honey, don't scratch.
Burton's gonna think you have fleas.
Come on.
Coming.
Honey, you're not nervous about meeting Mommy's new friend? What friend? I thought Grandma was coming.
Wait, is she or is she not coming? Would everybody please relax? This is supposed to be fun.
Aren't you having fun? I'm having fun.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow, you look great.
Are you ready? - I'm ready.
- How was your day? Uh, not so good.
My mom got into a bit of a car accident Okay, let's go.
Come.
Ritchie, I'd like you to meet my friend Burton.
Are you my new dad? Wow, that must've been a tough delivery.
No, that's my idiot brother, Matthew.
Idiot.
- Where is Ritchie? - Bathroom.
Okay, out.
Out, out, out.
I don't know why I was in a hurry to get in the house, it wasn't that great.
I probably should've cleaned it, but Matthew talked me out of it, so - What were you saying about your mother? - She got in an accident.
- She's fine, but the other driver is just - Okay, he's back.
Come on.
Ritchie, this is my friend Burton.
- Hi, Ritchie.
- Hi.
My pants itch.
Can I go change? Yes, of course.
Oh, my God.
That went great.
That was so much better than I expected.
What exactly did you expect? Oh, you know, tears, tantrums, maybe somebody yelling: "You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.
" Plus, I had no idea how Ritchie was gonna react.
So can I go now? My pants itch too.
Yes, you're excused.
You were a big help.
I'll tell Mom.
I'd really appreciate that.
- Nice to meet you.
- The pleasure's all mine.
Really, I can't thank you enough for taking the old gal off my hands.
- So you're in.
- Hmm.
How does it feel? The way you were guarding it, I thought it'd be fancier.
I don't know, maybe some gold columns and white tigers.
But, uh, it's nice.
Ugh, this is big.
I really feel like we've crossed over into new territory.
You know, I was so nervous about it, but now that it's done I really feel like it was the right move.
Me too.
- So speaking of big steps - Mm-hm.
when do I get to meet your kid? Oh, yeah, yeah.
One of these days.
You know, when the time is right.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
- What? - I showed him mine.
Now he won't show me his.
I hope to God you're talking about your boobs.
No, my kid.
I introduced Burton to Ritchie, and then when I mention meeting his kid he says, "When the time is right.
" - What is that supposed to mean? - I guess he's not ready.
Yeah, ugh, but this was supposed to be a milestone in our relationship.
I mean, I was under the impression that the feeling was mutual.
He was practically begging me to get inside my house.
- I hope to God you're talking about your - Oh, shut up.
God, this is so embarrassing.
I mean, it's like I said, "I love you," and he said, "Thank you.
" Well, it's better than, "I bet you do.
" I mean, he was acting as if he was ready to move to the next step.
And now it's like he thinks I'm moving too fast? I mean, what is wrong with men? They make everything too complicated.
- Well, talk to him.
- No.
He'll think that I need him to tell me how much he likes me.
I want him to tell me he likes me without him knowing that I need him to tell me that.
Yeah, men are complicated.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm just gonna talk to him.
I'm gonna see what he's thinking.
I'm so confused.
Would've been easier if you just showed him your boobs.
Yeah.
No kidding.
I always forget I have these things.
- Hey, stranger.
- Yeah, uh, hey.
Um, ahem, I'm a little bit confused about what just happened.
I really thought that we're on the same page about our relationship and where it was going, but, uh, clearly I was wrong.
What do you mean? Uh, do you wanna come inside? Oh, no, no, no.
I don't wanna move things forward too quickly.
I should stay out here on the porch and come in when the time is right.
You know, one of these days.
Christine, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Why are you hiding your kid from me? - What? Yeah.
I showed you my kid, now you won't show me yours? I mean, are you not serious about this relationship, Burton? Because if you're not, we can end it right now.
Stevie is in Montana with his mother.
He won't be back for another six weeks.
I thought you could meet then.
Oh.
Ahem.
Uh, so when you said, "When the time is right," you meant - When he's in the same state.
- Oh Yes, yes.
Well, that's what I thought, just I just wanted to storm over here and make sure.
Christine, come on, come on.
I don't wanna hide Stevie from you.
I don't wanna hide anything from you.
- Of course I want you to meet him.
- Really? Of course, baby.
Oh I love you.
I bet you do.
Oh, good, you're all here.
Sorry.
We stopped by to say hi but then we ordered a movie on pay-per-view.
My God.
That woman is naked.
Yeah, there's a lot of nudity in this.
That's why we ordered it here.
We didn't want Richard's cable company to think we're pervs.
- You wanna watch with us? - Oh, no, thanks, Michelle.
Not Michelle.
You know, for a guy who does nothing all day, you do all right.
I heard you introduced Ritchie to Burton.
- How'd that go? - Good.
He said he loved me.
Aw.
I said, "I bet you do.
" I know.
I'm a horrible person.
So, "I bet you do.
" Brutal.
I know.
I wasn't expecting it.
- I thought you liked him.
- I do.
- You don't love him? - I don't know.
How am I supposed to know? Do I love him? Should I love him? Do you love him? Christine, it shouldn't be this hard.
I told you I loved you on our first date.
You said it back to me.
Yeah, but we were 22.
I'd had just seen Ghost.
I would've told the movie usher I loved him.
Good to know our marriage was built on such a rock-solid foundation.
Come on, it worked out okay, except for the divorce.
Maybe you're just afraid, and you're keeping yourself from loving him.
Am I doing that? Should I be doing that? Do you ever do that? Have you eaten today? I don't know.
I mean, of course I'm afraid.
I'm so scared, you know? I mean, what if I fall in love with Burton and then 10 years down the road, the whole thing falls apart? Well, if you don't try, you'll never know.
- Do you like the guy? - Very much.
- Is he nice to you? - So nice.
But not so nice it makes me not like him anymore.
What did your parents do to you? You know.
You spent Christmas with them.
- Yeah, yeah.
- God, you know, I, ugh Burton and I have a great time together.
You know, he's nice, he's funny, he's smart he's handsome.
I mean, what's not to love? I don't know.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I'm just scared.
- I do love him.
- Then tell him.
I will.
Where you going? - To tell Burton I love him.
We have got to get you a telephone.
I know.
But, um, I have to tell you something and it's the kind of something that should only be said in person.
Or on a giant screen at a baseball game.
I can hardly wait.
Burton, I am so sorry I freaked out before.
L When you said, "I love you," I didn't mean to say, "I bet you do.
" I don't know why that came out of my mouth.
What I meant to say was, I don't think I can see you anymore.
Wow, I'm so glad you didn't put that on a giant screen at a baseball game.
I, uh, thought you were gonna say, "I love you.
" Oh, my God.
So did I.
That's what I came over here to say.
I meant to say that.
But I can't.
I guess I don't love you.
Yeah, I'm getting that.
I'm, uh You know, it was, uh, implied with the "I bet you do.
" And then you, uh, really drove it home with the "I don't wanna see you anymore.
" I guess that was why I was keeping you out on the porch.
I said it was for Ritchie, but it wasn't.
It was for me.
So What are we doing? Uh, I don't know.
What, uh? Why don't we go back to the way it was before? On the porch.
I love the porch.
We can't go back.
We moved past the porch.
- But it was so good.
- I can't go back to the porch.
And I can't say "porch" anymore.
Christine, I'm done with dating.
I wanna settle down, be with one person.
And I was hoping it was you.
Burton, I really would do anything not to hurt your feelings.
- I just - Yeah, I get it.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad, but I understand.
You're the most incredible woman I've ever been with.
And, um when you are ready that person's gonna be the luckiest man alive.
Bye, Christine.
Do I love him? Sweetie, you know how we were talking about friendship the other night? Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, the thing about friendship is sometimes you're friends with people forever.
And sometimes they come into your life and they make you feel good about yourself and they teach you a few new words.
And then you move on.
But I like Austin.
I don't wanna move on.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can be friends with Austin.
I mean, he picks his nose, but you play with dead mice so his mom's probably not thrilled either.
Anyway, Ritchie, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes people come into your life to stay.
And sometimes they're just passing through - Mom, can I go to sleep? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Almost there.
Hang on, sweetie.
Um, darling, listen.
Burton's not gonna be coming around anymore.
He's a great guy, and he really liked meeting you.
But he's one of Mommy's friends that's moving on.
And everybody's okay.
- Are you okay? - I'm okay.
Oh, good.
- Is there anything you wanna ask me? - Mm-hm.
Who's Burton? - Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night, Mom.