The Outlaws (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Now, some people think Community
Payback is an easy option,
a soft touch.
It ain't.
You chewing gum?
Don't know. Let's check.
Yeah. It's gum.
Get rid of it.
- Anything else you need doing?
- Yep.
Pick it up, put it in the bin.
What, are you serious, mate?
Unless you want five more hours,
pick it up, put it in the bin.
I can be a good guy
or I can be a mean bastard.
Your choice.
Let's go.
Come.
I just wondered if there was
any update on my case, sir.
Your case?
The villain I unmasked.
The gun I uncovered.
You stumbled upon it
while taking a dump,
Miss Marple,
let's not get carried away.
I was thinking I could
run Christian's file
- around to Sergeant Haines.
- The police already have access
to our database, Diane, there's no need
for you to run anything anywhere.
I really feel like
I can assist with this case, sir.
In fact, Sergeant Haines personally
asked me to apply to become a police
community support officer.
Aren't they just
glorified traffic wardens?
No. No, my point is
she's asked for my help.
Well, why don't you held
by letting the police do their job
and you do yours?
- Yeah, but sir
- Let it go, Diane.
That's an order.
Anonymous call
tipped off the duty nurse.
Was found around the corner
from A&E.
In surgery for three hours.
Can he talk?
Not yet.
What are his chances?
50/50.
His name's Aiden Haswell,
nicknamed Spider, unsurprisingly.
He's a lieutenant
in the Brookhill crew.
You think this was a hit?
Might be.
The gun we found in out that
community service place
was a CZ 75 semi-automatic.
I'm waiting to find out if the
bullet they pulled out is a match.
Want some toast?
What's wrong with him?
Can I have my phone back, please?
Thank you.
Rani, I can't remember
what we talked about.
My head is buzzing,
I can't think.
Oh, God.
Can you call me back, please?
The great Persian poet Rumi
once said Only from the heart
can we touch the sky.
Pryvet Fest comes from the heart.
Let's touch the sky.
What do you want?
Hey, how's it going?
Fine, thanks for calling.
- Have a nice life.
- No, wait.
How did the exam go? Was it OK?
- Are you being serious right now?
- What do you mean?
You said you were my friend
and I could trust you,
- but that was lies.
- You can trust me.
So why are you trying
to put my brother in jail?
Es, he had a gun.
Only because
he was trying to help me.
But you wouldn't know that
because you didn't stop to ask.
You just did us dirty like everyone
else always does.
Don't call us again.
Es!
- Agh! Christ.
- Greg-head, what are you working on?
- That's private.
- Well, let me see.
What are you
Ah, there he is. The man
everyone's calling Captain Ahab.
Why are they calling me
Captain Ahab, sir?
Cos you're always looking for dick?
Because you're the man
who landed the big whale.
Yeah, he did,
but he paid 100 quid for her.
I'm talking about Lady Gabby,
our star client.
- Right. Yeah.
- Top floor are singing your praises.
Since you brought her in, we've had
interest from some other big names.
- Can you say who, sir?
- Peter Andre has been in touch.
A couple of footballers,
and we think we might have that TV
presenter who's been touching kids.
Fantastic.
I'm having drinks and nibbles
at my place tomorrow night.
If you're free, you should come
along. Bring her ladyship.
I will, sir. Thank you, sir.
I've started the conversation
upstairs about you and the P word.
- What's the P word?
- Pervert?
Partner. Carry on, Ahab.
Sir, you know this
Hi. So, what I've done is
Hey, Greg, thanks for the money
laundering and forging documents.
You should get a pint
when you come out of jail.
Have you got your story straight?
Chillax. You're wound up
like an eight-day clock?
Well, OK, first of all,
you're far too old to say chillax.
Secondly, don't tell me to
chillax because if you blow this,
we are both in the shitter.
- Yeah.
- Your father's here.
- Fuck!
- What does your dad drink?
Er
Jameson. Jimmy.
Why does it have to
Dad!
Thank you for coming in.
So, I'd like you to meet
Howard Cherry. Pleasure.
Privilege to meet you, sir.
John Halloran.
Thanks for the meeting.
Of course, I'm sure you want
to see who your son's
getting in the sack with,
so to speak.
Well, you can't ever be too careful.
You sing two choruses of that,
and a lot of gum beans out there.
Gum beans?
How's a Yank come to be
using a term like that?
My neighbours in Queens were Kellys.
Second generation
off the famine ship
and straight into the heart
of Sunnyside. Old Ma Kelly,
she kept a portrait of JFK
next to the Virgin Mary.
She'd give them both a kiss
before bed.
Oh, thank you.
So, Mr Cherry,
what's your interest
in a small business like mine?
- Ours, Dad.
- Please, call me Howard.
I come up in a time and a place
when it meant something to do
an honest day's work and Irish,
Italians, Polacks,
shoulder by shoulder,
making something.
You could hold in your hands.
Nowadays, you have to search
to find something to invest in
that hasn't been built
by an Asian robot.
They say that's the future,
but I can't sit down
with an Asian robot,
pour him a drink, ask him,
"How's your wife and kids?"
What's your tipple?
I'd take a Jimmy neat,
if I thought you'd joined me.
Make it two.
- And call me John.
- Thank you, John.
Bloody hell,
you grew up in Downton Abbey?
It's not Downton Abbey,
it's called Wyndham Park.
And, yes. I was seven and then
I went to boarding school.
You went to boarding school
at seven?
Yes. Daddy wanted the best
education for me.
Daddy is a 16th
Earl of Gloucestershire.
You know how to address
an earl, right?
Yeah.
No. What's an earl again?
An earl is above a viscount
but below a marquis.
Oh, OK.
No, that doesn't help.
You address an earl as
"Your Lordship"
when you first meet him,
and then it's "Sir" after that.
And how will I dress a lord?
Your Lordship.
So, why isn't an earl
"Your Earlship"?
I don't know.
It makes no sense.
It does make sense, Greg.
A lord, an earl, a viscount
a marquis or a baron,
- they are all Your Lordship.
- What about a duke?
- Your Grace.
- You're right, it makes perfect sense.
Is that a good idea?
Just to help me focus. Want some?
No, I'm good for focus, thank you.
You've got some focus on your nose.
Yep.
Is he ready for us?
Don't shake Daddy's hand.
He'll offer his hand
if he wants to shake yours.
- Thanks very much.
- I think that went really well.
Daddy!
Hello, my dear.
Ah.
Let me look at you.
Have you lost weight?
Yes, a little bit, Daddy.
Well, I thought so.
You look good.
You're a tall drink of water.
This is Greg, my consiglieri.
Consiglieri!
Who did you use to work for?
The Godfather?
Ho! It's an honour to meet you,
Your Holiness.
Your Lordship, my lordship,
my lordship, your lord.
I'm Greg, I'm the new
legal counsel for Gabby.
I'm terribly busy, darling.
I can't give you much time.
Sebastian says you have
a proposal for me.
Yes.
Good. Come along.
Just take a few seconds.
It can't have been easy back in
the day for an Irish man to build
such a fine business
here in Britain,
let alone a Catholic
from the Short Strand.
Things were rough.
There were signs saying
Nono blacks, no dogs, no Irish.
Although I never understood
why the Irish were
lumped in with the blacks.
The Irish are grafters.
Blacks do nothing but bellyache
and beg for hand-outs.
Anyway, a toast to
all the honest grafters.
I'll drink to that.
Slainte.
Sorry, Mr Cherry,
did you want some Oh!
Sorry, there, Mr Cherry.
- You clown.
- Yeah.
Sorry. (Your tag)
Sorry, Howard,
my son's a bloody eejit.
Don't sweat it.
I never fear a wet leg,
only a dry glass.
No, I'm in a meeting.
- A young man is here to see you.
- Well, who is it?
He didn't give a name. Said
you'll know what it's about.
What does he look like?
Early 20s, black chap.
Sorry.
I'm sorry. Mr Cherry
Just, erm, excuse me.
Jesus Christ.
Thank you, Caroline.
What do you want?
- You don't need that.
- I'll be the judge.
I wasn't going to hurt you before.
Sticking a gun in someone's face,
that's-that's your idea of
showing affection, is it?
You backed me into a corner
taking that money.
I need it back.
I told you it's tied up.
Then untie it.
Please, man. Look at you. You're
rich. That money is nothing to you.
I need it.
Christian,
I can't just click my fingers.
- I need time.
- I don't have time.
I just I think
that's a very good proposal.
And, yeah, I think I'm going to
chew that over.
OK, well, I'll drop back by tomorrow
and I'll see what you decided.
- Well Good to see you, Howard.
- And you, John.
- See you soon, I hope.
- Mm.
What was he doing here?
He wants his money back.
What money?
What money do you think?
My boutique festival will bring
together the millennial generation
with 300 years of heritage
and tradition to create the cultural
experience of the decade.
The great Persian poet Rumi
once wrote
..Only from the heart
can you touch the sky.
My festival comes from the heart.
Let's touch the sky.
Thank you.
- "Privet" Fest?
- Oh, no, it's "Private",
erm, as in exclusive.
It looks like "Privet",
as in the hedge.
Well, you do a lot of hedges
so it still works.
What are your revenue projections?
Oh, well, 5,000 attendees
with an adult ticket price starting
- at £110 plus sponsorship.
- Promotion?
I have a social media reach
of a million and a half.
Are you staying off the booze
and the drugs?
- Yes, Daddy!
- Good. That's why you've lost weight.
Booze and drugs make you
fat and puffy.
Your mother was the same.
So, what do you think, Daddy?
Look, infrastructure costings
seem woolly,
the profit margins are tight
..but your proposal is thorough
and your presentation
was well prepared.
You have my blessing.
Good job.
Thank you, Daddy!
I will make you so proud.
Darling, I'm terribly
pressed for time.
I need to jump into some
legal particulars with Greg.
Yes, of course.
Yes, you do your thing.
It's just
Are you fucking my daughter?
- Am I doing what, now, sir?
- Are you fucking my daughter?
No, she's a lesbian, isn't she?
No, it's just a phase.
Like when she would only
eat food that was blue.
What is there except blueberries?
Nothing.
That's why it only lasted a day.
So, what's your angle?
I haven't got an angle, sir.
I'm just helping with the festival.
Oh, that's not happening.
Shut it down.
Sorry, sir,
you seemed to intimate
pretty clearly to her
that it was happening?
Gabriella, like her late mother,
is a basket case of emotions.
If I'd said no, I'd have had
an hour of tears and tantrums.
And I don't need the brain ache.
Make it go away, would you?
Your Lordship, Gabby
Lady Gabriella, she's worked tirelessly
on this. She'll do a great job.
Gabriella has never finished
anything in her life, but if by some
miracle, she did pull this together,
I don't want some juggler shitting
in my hedge or my cokehead daughter
and 5,000 crusties ruining my lawn.
So, shut it down.
With respect, sir, I think
you need to tell her yourself.
No, I needn't.
That's why I pay people like you.
Well, again, with the utmost respect,
I don't work for you, I work for her.
The retainer Gabriella
pays law firm,
where do you think that money
comes from?
Instagram? Reality TV? No.
I bankroll her entire life,
which means you don't work for her,
you work for me.
If you want it to stay that way,
make this disappear.
Oh, and I don't want to
upset my daughter.
As far as Gabriella knows,
this didn't come from me.
What am I supposed to tell her?
You're her consiglieri,
think of something.
Bro, I went to his house,
I checked the rooms,
and he wasn't at his place.
So that's it, is it?
End of search?
What am I supposed to say
to the Dean when he calls?
Sorry, the man with your money
wasn't home?
What time do you want
to put a bullet in my head?
I'm free after 6:00.
Fuck me. How could something
so big have such a tiny brain?
You're like a fucking
brontosaurus with cornrows?
Who is it?
Police.
We'd like to ask you about someone
with the nickname Spider.
It's the Brookhill.
How are we going to get past?
Emergency services,
which service you require?
Police, please.
Es! Are you mad?!
You know you can't call feds!
Police emergency?
Hello.
I'm a 15-year-old girl and I'm
home alone and I'm really scared.
Why are you scared?
There are these boys
hanging outside my house.
They're smoking drugs
and wearing hoodies.
And they're black.
Stay indoors
and we'll send someone.
What's your address?
There she is, the supergrass.
All right. Leave her alone.
Guy had a gun.
- What's she supposed to say?
- Nothing.
Why would he run
if he wasn't guilty of something?
Says the rich white
aristocrat's daughter.
He was scared.
Of what?
High Pockets,
what's the jail time for
having an undertaker's friend?
- A what?
- An undertaker's friend.
A gun.
Well, don't say it like everyone knows
what an undertaker's friend is.
- You're a lawyer.
- Not from the 1950s.
What's the jail time?
Gun possession?
Minimum, five years.
- Yeah.
- Five years?
Rekowski, words, my office.
Is this a store cupboard?
No, it's my office.
Did it used to be a store cupboard,
then?
Doesn't matter what it used
to be. It's my office now.
You're probably wondering why I
don't keep my notes on a computer.
Yeah, sure.
Criminals have logarithms.
They can hack any password
in two minutes or less.
Did you know that?
- No.
- No.
Most computer companies
don't want people knowing.
Don't want to start a panic.
If you worked in law enforcement
like I do, you'd know.
But you're a civilian so you don't.
How did you know the gun
belonged to Christian?
Cos I saw him with it.
Do you know why he had a gun?
If you know more than you're saying,
and I find out,
that I will rain down vengeance on
you the likes of which
What is it, Ronnie?
Can I get my mop and bucket?
Well, quickly then,
I'm doing an interrogation.
Close the door. Thank you.
Jesus.
I will rain down vengeance on you
the likes of which
you have never known.
Now,
do you know where Christian is?
I have no idea.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I got a call about
antisocial behaviour,
do you know anything about it?
Do you have anything sharp
in your pockets?
What's in the bag?
Es, we've got to go.
Esme!
Es.
Hey.
Hey. You all right?
Do you think I killed him?
No. Do you know how hard it is
to kill someone?
You'd have to be like
an expert shot,
hit all the right organs.
Have you ever fired a gun before?
- No.
- No.
So the chances of you hitting him
where it matters
is next to zero.
OK?
Come on.
You got to go.
- I want to call the hospital.
- Mm-mm. We can't call the hospital.
- I need to know.
- I know but we can't right now.
All right?
Right now, we got to leave.
All right?
Pack your stuff. Yeah?
Let's go.
Yeah?
I know you don't want to speak
to me but I also know
that you and your sister
are in some kind of trouble.
It's all my fault.
Let's meet at the placement
whenever you can.
Please.
I really want to help.
So last night, I was up till
God knows what time and I was
refining the plans and I started
thinking about the next stage,
so we need to bring in an events
organiser and a marketing person.
Do you think maybe a music festival
might be a bit ambitious?
Got to dream big to achieve big.
Totally. And you did
an amazing job yesterday.
You've completely proven to your dad
what you're capable of.
Yeah.
I just wonder if we should start
with something smaller
than a music festival,
like a
car-boot sale.
Why the cold feet, hey?
Daddy was the biggest hurdle.
We played him by a mile.
OK, I need to speak to you now.
I want to find, Christian.
Why? You starting a lynch mob?
No. To make things right.
- I got him all wrong.
- You think?
Will you help me find him?
How?
I'm thinking we break
into Diane's office,
get a look at Christian's file,
go from there.
- That's mad.
- Completely mad.
- I am so in. And so is Greg.
- Yeah.
No, Gr No, Greg's not
breaking into Diane's office.
Why not?
Because we're in community service,
not Ocean's 11.
Plus, he had an undertaker's friend.
High Pockets is right.
Don't get involved.
I'm already involved.
Please just help me find Christian.
- What's that about Christian?
- This doesn't concern you.
Oi! Less conversation,
more perspiration.
You're here for 125 hours
picking up rubbish for no money.
I'm here reading my magazine,
getting paid £25,000 a year net.
I own a Citroen Picasso, after six
more payments. And I get two weeks
annual paid leave when I get
to take my wife and kids to Majorca
and the Government literally
pays me to sit on my arse.
Now, you have two choices in life -
you can either be the person
picking up the rubbish,
or you can be the person watching
the person picking up the rubbish.
Ask yourself,
which one do you want to be?
Hey, are you thinking of helping her
find the kid?
No, as she said,
it doesn't concern you.
It does concern us.
We took the kid's money.
- That was Christian's money?!
- That was Christian's money, OK?
And that gun of his, by the way,
he put that thing to my head.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. He is desperate, OK?
And he came to my place of work.
All right? So if you're thinking
about helping her find him,
he is not just going to thank
you for your kindness and allow us
to keep the huge bag of cash
we stole from him.
We can't just abandon him
to the police.
I know this isn't what you want
to hear right now,
- but I think you can.
- No!
Can't just let the police
chase him down like a rabid dog!
Please catch him and the gun
gets him five years.
He's out of our hair.
Five years. What?
Because I stood by and did nothing?
No, because he put himself
in this position.
No, because we stole his money.
It's not the life savings
of some little old lady.
You said it yourself,
it's dirty money, which you cleaned.
You used it to finance
the collective.
Exactly. That's a good point.
How many people
can you help now, right?
I mean, hundreds,
thousands of deserving people.
Right?
Listen, if by some miracle, you do
end up saving him from the police
or whatever, that fucker's
coming for his money.
Can you afford to just
give it all back to him?
Because I sure as shit can't.
So, what are you going to do?
I don't know.
Did you know that corporate
manslaughter legislation means
that if there are any deaths
at the festival,
you could be blamed personally.
So, like if a lady
was on her boyfriend's shoulders
and she was flashing her boobs
during Coldplay and she slipped off
and cracked her head open,
you could go to jail.
So, should we call
the whole thing off?
What is with you, G?
If you don't think I can do this,
I will find a lawyer who does.
You can't do this.
- What?
- Your father won't allow it.
What are you on about?
He gave it his blessing.
Then afterwards, he told me
to put an end to it.
What do you mean, what did
What did he say?
That he didn't want
jugglers shitting in hedges
and his cokehead daughter
ruining his lawn.
Well
You're lying.
I mean, why wouldn't he just
tell me that himself?
Because maybe he's not
always the best dad in the world?
My father raises millions
for charity, Greg.
He has given me the best education,
a house in Clifton, cars, clothes.
My-my father has given me everything
I've ever wanted.
Has your dad
ever given you his time?
You meet him for five minutes,
and what, suddenly,
- you're a fucking expert on my dad.
- I'm not saying that, Gabby, no.
No! My name is Lady Gabriella
Penrose-Howe.
If you wish to address me,
it's "My Lady" or "Your Ladyship."
I'm sorry, Your Ladyship.
I apologise.
- Apology accepted. You're fired.
- What?
Gabby, calm down before you say
something you might regret.
Will you stop fucking lecturing me?
Always mouthing off about
how the rest of us should live.
Why don't you turn the spotlight
on yourself for a change?
- Ha-ha!
- What are you laughing at?
Nothing, no.
Justyou got her number, hey?
Her number?
You two are the same person.
There is no difference
between you two.
You think you're so superior,
but you are both just down here
in the shit with the rest of us.
Oi! Less chin-wagging,
more bin-bagging.
Fuck off, you twat rag.
What did you just say to me?
She said, "Fuck off, you twat rag."
Yeah, I heard what she said.
- Five more hours for you, Missy!
- Gargle my nutsack, Missy!
I'm done.
She said, "Gargle my nutsack."
Thank you. I heard that too.
Hey.
If we don't get Christian's file
by tomorrow, we won't be back
at the probation office for a week,
by which time the police
would have got him so, please,
will you help me?
No.
All right, Yvonne.
Can I come in?
Oh. Hello, Terry, how are you?
You know, busy selling my soul
to our corporate overlords.
Yeah, right. About that, I, er,
apologise.
Terry, did hell freeze over?
I'd also like to apologise
for saying that the both
of you have the backbones
of tapeworms.
You also call us the black
Donald and Melania.
That was wrong of me.
What about when you said
I sold out faster than the PS5?
Yes. Sorry.
I'm sorry for all of it.
Oh, God.
- Do you only have six weeks to live?
- No, I'm fine.
Then why are you acting like
the housekeeper in Get Out?
Well, I am aware that I can
..sometimes come over a bit
What did you call it? A balled-up
fist of fossilised rage.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how
I became that person.
Do you need money?
Is that why you're being so nice?
No.
But I do need your advice.
Advice?
From me?
Can we speak privately?
Go watch sport and scratch
your balls, would you, love?
Sure.
But if she starts stirring her tea
really slowly,
shout.
What's up?
Well, you know me, I'm always
so certain of my opinions.
Like that Jermaine was the most
talented of the Jackson Five?
He absolutely was.
No. I mean, like, you know,
the important stuff
like how we act in life.
Go on.
I'm in asituation.
I can't divulge all the details,
but I can either help one person now
who is in big trouble or I can
help lots of people in little ways
for years to come.
But I can't do both.
Well, you always say the right thing
to do is whatever produces
the greatest good for the greatest
number of people?
I know but what if it isn't?
I think you have to
ask yourself this.
If you turn your back
on this one person,
will you be able to live
with yourself?
Do you need me to top up
your pay as you go?
30 quid would be great.
- Hi.
- Hey, babe.
I'm having a party tonight,
so just tell everyone.
I feel really, really
guilty about what I did.
You told the truth.
There's no guilt in that.
You don't owe this boy anything.
Then what do I feel so bad?
Rani, you are special.
You have a wonderful future.
People don't expect you
to jeopardise that for someone
you barely know.
But I do know him. He's my friend.
He is not your friend.
He is.
I've seen him outside of CS.
Why would you go and do that, Rani?
Can you just not tell Dad?
And can you
..not tell them that I'm
..I'm going to go help him.
- No, you're not.
- I have to do something.
No, you don't have to do anything.
Rani, you say you want to
speak to me like an adult
and you are talking like a child?
- Mum, you are really
- Listen to me, please.
- You're not listening to me!
- No, Rani!
Listen, please, please,
sweetheart, just
..really listen to me.
I know that right now, helping
this boy seems like the most
important thing in the world.
But thinking you can wave a magic
wand and save him from his problems,
that is a child talking.
Being an adult means knowing that
he is not your responsibility.
This feeling of guilt you have, huh?
That's just a moment in time.
It'll be gone in a flash.
But one bad decision now
..will wreck your whole life
forever.
I told him the provenance.
I can get 165 at auction.
If he keeps lowballing,
I'll simply put it on the open market.
Hang on a minute, Carl.
Yeah. She's at it again.
Hey, kiddo, you home alone?
Tom's here, Mummy's at work.
What you doing, drawing a picture?
That's me.
And that's Mummy. And that's Tom.
And who's that?
You.
It's for you.
Thank you.
Hm.
Let's stick it on the fridge.
I smell smoke.
You been smoking my cigars again?
Huh. What's on the menu?
Do you know what we read
in school last year, Frank?
Fahrenheit 451.
Do you know what that is?
The burning temperature of paper.
Give me the money, son.
If you want it, come and get it.
Oh, no, you can't, can you?
Because I measured it
and your tag would go off
and how would you explain
a big box of cash to the police?
I won it gambling.
Yeah! Got lucky at the bingo,
did you?
I had a flutter on the gee-gees.
Hid the winnings because
..I know your mother doesn't approve.
Mr Francis Sheldon, from London
Heathrow to Rio de Janeiro.
Win this at the horses too?
I treated myself to a holiday
for when the tag comes off.
For Christ's sake,
what are you doing?
- Are you abandoning Mum again?
- No.
Then why is it a one-way ticket?
Not one-way, open-ended.
More lucky winnings go in the fire
every time you lie, Frank.
- I'm not lying.
- Oh, dear.
Are you abandoning Mum again?
- I'm not abandoning anyone.
- Stop lying!
Are you abandoning Mum again?
No.
Yes, all right, yes.
Was everything you said a lie?
Not everything.
I defended you.
Nobody asked you to.
Don't look at me like that.
I was going to leave your mother
some of the money.
She doesn't want your money.
She wants her dad.
She survived without me before.
She'll survive again.
Why didn't you want to stay with us?
Because I spent 18 months
in a prison cell,
I'm not spending my last few years
in another one.
So, that's what we are to you?
- No, no
- Another prison cell.
Come on.
I didn't mean it that way.
No, what are you doing?
No need to tell your mother, yeah?
You know, Mum was right.
Have you every just once put
anyone else before yourself?
You know, first time
I was in a police station
..I was six years old.
My mother had this very
flattering nightdress.
It was white chemise with
..embroidered gold irises.
And she should put it on
..and she hung herself.
I found the body.
And I just remember I felt so scared
and so alone, and I was petrified.
I was only six.
And I called my dad.
And he was too busy.
And you know who he sent to
look after me?
His groundskeeper.
I was still wearing his wellies.
Do you ever feel like if you
vanished off the face of the Earth,
it'd make no difference to anyone?
Yeah, all the time, yeah.
I missed a day at work once
because I lost my glasses
and I'm so blind I couldn't find
my spare glasses
and nobody at work noticed.
People would notice if you vanished.
You got 1.2 million followers
on social media.
For what, though?
For looking over my shoulder
on a red carpet
so people can see my face
and my arse at the same time?
I went to my great aunt's funeral
and I spent the whole time thinking,
What is the saddest
Instagram filter?
What is it?
Midnight Blue.
I don't do anything.
I don't make anything.
No-one actually needs me.
Rani does.
She asked for all of our help,
you're the only one who said yes.
Straight away. You didn't hesitate,
you were straight in there.
That says a lot about who you are.
I spoke to your father, and he said
he's not going to press charges.
Then he fired me.
He can't do that.
I already fired you.
Yeah, I told him that, yeah.
Guys
Firstly, I just want to apologise
for my outburst yesterday.
And, secondly, if you still want
help finding Christian, then
I am in. And so is Greg.
I'm in, too.
Thank you but I'm
..out.
This was your idea.
It was childish.
Being an adult is realising
I can't solve Christian's problems.
No. Being an adult is doing
what you think is right,
which is why you came to us.
I came to you because I felt guilty.
That will pass.
Making the wrong choice now
could wreck our lives forever.
Every choice we ever make
could be the wrong one.
We still have to make them.
You told me not to get involved!
So, why should we jeopardise
our entire lives
for a complete stranger?
But Christian isn't a stranger,
he's our friend.
You said you wanted to make
things right.
Can you live with yourself
if you don't?
I'm in.
What's your plan?
Hello, Northcott, morning.
Is this Gregory Dillard?
No, sir.
Well, when will he be in next?
Not until Monday, sir, but I share
a desk with him. Can I help?
Yes. My name is John Halloran.
Dillard did a deal for
an investment in my company.
I'm just doing due diligence
on the investor.
Of course, we have to log all legal
work on our case management system
so I can pull up the file.
What's the name of your company?
Halloran and Son.
That's not coming up
on the system, sir.
Check again.
I mean, your company's names
all over the paperwork.
Hm. Nothing's been logged, sir.
What's the name of the other party?
Cherry. Howard Cherry.
An American fella.
Again, nothing showing up, sir.
My eejit of a son has just been
taken in by a bloody con man.
OK, so this is the security camera
facing the office where Diane keeps
Christian's file in
a locked cabinet.
Diane has the only set of keys.
This is me.
Greg, this is you.
Why am I the used condom?
Because you're thin and full of
spunk, and that's a compliment.
Now, pay attention.
Where am I in this?
Oh, so, you're somewhere over here
with the others distracting Diane.
Right. Diane is one problem.
What about our other problem?
What other problem?
There they are.
- Him.
- Thank you, John.
- What are you all up to?
- Nothing.
You better not be
because I see everything.
And you might be interested to know
that last night I applied to be
a police community support officer.
Aren't they just glorified
traffic wardens?
No.
Less blathering, more gathering.
- Shit.
- You two are on five more hours.
Well done.
- Hello.
- Hello, Sergeant Haines.
It's Diane from Community Payback.
- Hi, Diane. Everything OK?
- Everything's fine.
I just wanted to let you know
that last night I applied
to be a community support officer,
as you requested.
It was more of a suggestion
than a request.
Also, as per your other request,
no suspicious activity
to report at this end.
How's it going at your end?
You started any of that stuff
with the court boards,
the registering yet?
I'm afraid I can't talk about
ongoing investigations
with a member of the public.
Oh, sorry,
- is there a member of the public there?
- No, I meant you, Diane.
Oh. Well, I'm not the public,
though, am I?
You know that phrase,
long arm of the law?
Well, if you're the arm,
then I'm like one of your fingers,
aren't I? Poking away in the dirt
at the front line.
And I appreciate that but I
still can't talk about the case
outside my department, Diane.
I'm sure you understand.
Yeah, absolutely understand.
I just wondered if you wanted
any help locating the perp.
- Who?
- Christian Taylor.
Oh, he's been discounted
from our inquiries.
What?! Why? He had a gun.
- As I said, I can't talk
- OK, talk about the case.
Yep. Roger that.
Well, just know that I'm here,
fingering away.
Good to know, Diane.
All right. Thank you, ma'am.
Hello? Hello? Oh.
She's gone.
- Ballistics came back.
- And?
And the gun we found and the
bullet they pulled from Spider
..perfect match.
Jesus.
- Red shovel.
- Red shovel.
- Garden rake.
- Garden rake.
John, just thought
you'd want to know that,
yeah, you were right.
No-one's going to look for the kid.
OK, good.
- Diane.
- Yeah?
Can I just have a quick word?
You know, I've apologised to
everyone else, but I just wanted to
apologise to you, too, for
telling you to gargle my nutsack.
I mean, as you can see,
I don't actually have a nutsack,
so how could you gargle
with it even if you wanted to?
- Yeah, I did wonder.
- Hmm.
OK, well, thank you.
- Apology absorbed.
- Thank you, Diane.
Every one of the bus
in five minutes. OK?
Thanks, Diane.
You're welcome.
Fucking hell, Greg-head.
You're in a lot of trouble now,
mate.
Right. Everyone off.
Oh, Diane,
is that paint or something
on the back of your jacket.
Oh, yeah, that's bad.
It's OK. It doesn't matter.
Got to get it early
before it stains.
It's all right, it's fine.
Can you get a cloth?
Yep, I'm on it.
- Greg, come with me.
- Yep.
I don't need a cloth. It's OK.
What colour is it?
It's OK
What?
That looks great
Guys, it's OK. So leave it,
leave it, leave it. Right, come on.
- Let's head inside.
- Right, come on!
Which one of you thieving
bastards has taken in?
What?
- My phone is missing.
- Probably just left it in the bus.
No, it was here in my bag
and now it's gone.
I want every single one of you
searched.
I'm not searching everyone.
You search everyone
whenever you've lost anything?
She has a point. You do carry out
a lot of random searches.
Yeah. You're always searching,
like a search-meister.
- She's not searching everyone!
- Oh, really?
Well, what have you got to hide?
Yeah, actually,
what have you got to hide?
Arms up! Right now!
Hurry up.
I don't want to go to jail.
- Pretty boy like me.
- No, I'm trying.
Here, why don't you
wait in our meeting room?
Shit!
Hiya.
Yeah. Um, if you'd just
- That's really professional, Diane.
- Oh, thanks.
Can you talk us
through your technique?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Got to have looseloose hips.
All in the fingers, really?
Got to be smooth,
careful but cautious.
There was actually a man at Heathrow
Airport who was caught smuggling
rare birds down his pants.
That's actually where the phrase
"budgie smugglers" comes from.
Erm Sorry, I lost my place there.
Er Right. Erm Start again.
- Arms up.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Right, this side. Then back up
and then again down the leg,
- and back up
- Diane!
- ..and kind of
- What are you doing?
I'm just conducting a search, sir.
I don't care if you're conducting
the Berlin Philharmonic.
The police are here.
They want to speak with everyone.
Now.
Best behaviour, please.
Sergeant Haines.
Sergeant Selforth.
Lovely to see you again.
What are you doing?
Just having a stand.
Can we speak privately?
Absolutely.
Please come through to my office.
Fuck off!
- What happened?
- He pinched my arse!
No, I didn't!
Are you calling her a liar?
I stand with her!
Hands up, mate! I'm not putting up
with your shit any more!
What is going on?
- I didn't do anything wrong.
- Yes, you did!
You were born a straight white male!
What is happening here?!
Desist!
I insist you heed my command!
Heed my command!
Stop shouting!
Yes. Thank you.
Oh, stop this madness.
What is going on? Detective
Sergeants, I do apologise.
They are never like this.
They normally fear me.
This way, please.
Wait there, you lot.
You're in big trouble.
- Right.
- I'm sorry.
Someone better tell me
what the hell is going on.
I've spoken with Christian Taylor.
He has an alibi. All day.
Are you absolutely sure the man
you saw with the gun is him?
100%.
Do you have a picture
of Christian Taylor?
Erm,
his mug shot will be in his file.
Taylor.
What is it?
This isn't the same man.