The Power of Parker (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Where am I?
HE GASPS
Martin Parker. Parker's Electricals.
Drugs? No!
Needs dropping off by tomorrow.
I am not doing a drug drop.
Whoa-oa-oh!
LOUD THUD
Alison's school fees, Mrs Parker.
N-No. There must be some
kind of mistake.
You've remortgaged the house.
I beg your pardon?!
Piece of shit!
I can't think
of a better replacement
for Rotary Club treasurer.
If you two put your shares together,
you'd own Parker's outright.
Go to his office and get
that shareholder agreement.
You've distracted me enough.
What the bloody hell is this?
These bad boys are ecstasy tablets.
There's a fair few
grand-worth here, easy.
Hiya. You didn't get it, did you?
What's he doing here? Oh, shit.
He can't see us together. Not yet.
That's what my heart
Yearns for now
Love and pride ♪
Hold that door, will you? Thank you.
That's what my heart yearns for
now ♪
Excuse me, love.
I'm looking for Kath Pennington,
hairdresser, or Gladys.
Erm Right.
Shit!
Quick, quick. In here, in here.
Ow! No. Diane!
Yes.
MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
Oh, it's YOU, is it?
You've got some nerve showing
your face around here, sunshine.
Where is she, Gladys?
I don't know
who you're talking about.
Uh, look, this is important, love.
Don't you "love" me!
This is ridiculous!
Oh.
DIANE SIGHS
You getting turned on?
Eh?
Bit of bleach?
It's like catnip for you.
What ARE you talking about?
You know -
where you first shagged Martin.
Oh, grow up! Sh!
Oh
God, have you farted?
I'm very stressed.
Do you think he followed me?
He hasn't come for you.
He's come for me.
Oh, has he, now?
To carry on your grubby little
affair in an old people's home?
Very classy, Kath.
Says the woman who got pregnant
in a cleaning cupboard.
BREATHES DEEPLY
That stinks.
DIANE SIGHS
Oh I don't have time for this.
Ah! Hey, that's mine.
Pervert.
You won't find her in there.
Well, I'm not looking for HER
in there, am I?
I'm looking for a kettle.
Well, you're not stopping for tea.
MARTIN GROANS
Hmm.
SHE GASPS
Diane What?
I lied to you. About what now?
About Julie.
Her massive hands?
No, but they are VERY big.
I DID go to the office last night.
I didn't wrestle Julie,
but I did see Martin.
Right. So, you did get
the paperwork, then?
No, I-I didn't lie about that bit.
I didn't get the paperwork,
but I did get a kettle.
Oh, Jesus wept, Kath,
you're talking in riddles.
I think he's doing drugs.
I think YOU'RE doing drugs.
Drugs? What are you?
Oh, my God.
What? You slept with him, didn't
you? I can see it in your eyes.
No. Unbe-fucking-lievable.
I didn't. I-I didn't.
I wouldn't do that to you. Oh
Diane, I think he's dealing.
Dealing what?
Cards. What do you think?
Drugs! Like a drug dealer.
You're a fantasist.
I nicked a kettle for Gladys,
cos she needed a new one.
I was trying to be nice.
That's what I do.
I'm a modern-day Robin Hood.
Oh, is that why you stole
my husband, then?
Will you listen to me?
I found a kettle full of pills
and a faxed copy of my tits,
and now Martin's come here
to get it.
He's come for me.
He's come for the drugs.
SHE LAUGHS
Are you serious?!
Yes. Drugs?
No. Don't believe it.
It's a kettle full of the buggers.
We're very lucky -
Gladys thought they were mints.
One sniff of them, and she'd be
smacked right off her tits.
Bless.
I need you to tell me where Kath is.
What's the magic word?
Please.
Swivel.
Unbelievable.
Oh right, listen to me.
You're going to have to go back
to the office tonight and get
that shareholders' agreement.
No pissing about. We need it.
Will you come with me?
Well, I can't.
I'm out with Martin, aren't I?
You're effing what?
Oh, it's just some Rotary Club
dinner. I'd rather not go.
So don't go.
Believe me, I do not want to.
It'll be painful.
But Sandy's offering him some
high-up position or something,
and he's got all giddy about it.
And I have to keep up appearances.
Oh, my God, Diane!
DIANE SIGHS
Look, he's still my husband.
He'll smell a rat if I go AWOL.
I have to go.
He can't suspect a thing.
I don't believe
DIANE SIGHS
Drugs!
Right.
Here you are.
Back entrance. Go tonight,
while I've got my eye on him.
What do I do if someone asks me
what I'm doing? Wh-what do I say?
Well, just say the cleaner.
You look the part. Mm.
It's a bit risky, innit?
Oh, Kath, we're middle-aged women.
No-one cares.
Hit 40, and you're invisible.
They don't give two shits about us.
We could rob a bank and, as long as
we had a pair of Marigolds on,
no-one would bat an eyelid.
SHE SIGHS
CLATTERING
Aha! Yes!
HE CHUCKLES
So, where did you get this kettle
from, then, eh?
Don't know
what you're talking about.
What kettle's that?
Never seen it before.
Ha! Thank God.
If I were you
I'd sleep with one eye open.
RADIO JINGLE
The first results
in the hotly contested
Conservative leadership election,
which sees Margaret Thatcher
with 204 votes
and Michael Heseltine with 154
Go on, Maggie!
at the top of the hour.
When it comes to electronics
ask someone who knows ♪
HE GROANS
RADIO OFF
CAR LOCKS
DOG BARKS
Keeley!
What have I told you?
Take me cigs again, I'll take
a match to your Care Bear!
DOG BARKS
Hey! I'll put a bloody knife
through it.
Cheek!
Fuck off, you big fat shit!
Mum, have you seen
my paisley hoodie?
What are you doing?
Nothing.
HE SIGHS
Give us one.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Sod it!
Never knew you smoked.
Well, there's a lot you don't know
about me, Thomas.
You're acting weird.
Am I? Yeah, proper weird.
What's going on?
You normally never leave home,
and now you're never here.
It's been two days, Tom.
I'm always here for you.
Everything I do is for you.
Who washes and irons your clothes,
puts the food on your plate
day after day, runs around like
a blue-arsed fly for everyone?
Who else has single-handedly kept
this family together
when no-one else seems to give
a single shit?
Not one shit! All right.
SHE SIGHS
Jesus, Mum.
Sorry, darling.
So, come on, then. Tell your mother.
Hmm?
What's going on with Zara?
I really like her.
I said I'd see her in France.
Shit! Shit! She's gone back!
Oh, I forgot. I completely forgot.
I didn't say au revoir.
Oh Well, I really like her.
She's different to the girls
around here, so
Yeah. Yeah.
She's a lovely girl. Sound.
Are you all right, Mum?
Yeah, course.
Promise me you won't turn out
like your dad.
You are joking.
DOOR CLOSES
Only me!
What the hell are you doing
out here? It's brass monkeys.
Having a bit of air. Good day?
Not really.
Had a day-and-a-half of it.
Oh, that's a shame.
Your hoodie's in your wardrobe, Tom,
washed and ironed. Cheers, Mum.
Hey, you're not getting dolled up?
Sandy's tonight.
Yeah. Looking forward to it.
Oh, and before I forget,
Mr Scott grabbed me earlier.
Something about the school fees
being late.
What? Are you sure?
No, that's not right.
I'll call him in the morning.
I knew it'd be a mistake.
Thank you, Martin.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, bloody hell. I'll get that!
Hello, love. No, we don't need any
tarmacking, thank you very much.
I'm here about the golf clubs
for sale.
We spoke on the phone?
Yeah, well, I'm buying new ones,
you know.
I just don't want to
fling them out.
I'm practically giving them away.
It's not all about money.
So, there's a bit of movement
on price, is there?
Absolutely not, mate.
There you go. Have a go.
Well, we'll take a tenner off
for that.
Don't know what's happened there.
Still no money from Parker.
You need to go round
and shit him up.
Yeah, I will. I'll go round later,
see if there's a way in.
Yeah. All right.
Smash a few windows.
Kick a door in. Yeah. Sound.
I've just got to finish my tea
first, or Mum'll lose her nut.
Yeah. Best do that.
All right. Sound.
Right, see you later. See you later.
I can't believe this!
TRICKLING
You've had all day to get ready!
I need to get sorted now!
Di, where's my lucky blue suit?
This should all be ready for me.
This is your job, like -
a woman's job.
This is what you do.
Di! Two ticks!
TOILET FLUSHES
I took it to the dry-cleaner's.
It had a bit of mud on it.
No idea how you managed that.
Bloody hell, Di.
That was my lucky suit, that was.
Here you go.
All freshly washed and ironed.
PHONE RINGS
SHE SIGHS
Is that Mr Pennington's daughter?
Yes. This is his daughter speaking.
He's ready to go home.
Oh! That's great news.
Can you come straight away?
No, um, I can't pick him up
this evening. I'm sorry,
I've got a dinner party to go to.
It's the Rotary Club.
Can you can you keep him in
until the morning?
Not really. We're the NHS, love,
not a Trusthouse Forte. No,
it's fine. I'll sort it. Thank you.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Rude!
PHONE RINGS
Oh, nice necklace, Babs.
Love a chunky chain.
Hides the turkey neck.
Hello! Kath, the hospital's phoned.
You need to pick up Dad.
YOU pick him up. They phoned YOU.
Have you forgotten I've got?
I've got a heist to do.
Well, I can't.
I'm out with Martin, aren't I?
Oh, yeah. To your fancy dinner.
While I'm out risking life and limb.
Look, we need to stick
to the plan, cos
Yeah, the thing about
these these diets is, Marie,
you need to stick to the plan.
So, stick to the plan and have
a jacket potato instead.
Stop gabbing and get dressed.
Hurry the bloody hell up, Di!
The taxi'll be here in a minute.
Two ticks.
Is that him? Yes, that's right!
What's he wearing?
Oh, well, thanks for asking, Marie.
He's being discharged, so hopefully
someone will pick him up.
Oh, thanks for offering, Marie.
She's going to pick him up.
Is he wearing his lucky blue suit?
Listen, you silly cow.
Just stick to the plan
and eat your potato!
Fine.
Is that new toothpaste? Rank!
Come on, Di. Get a wriggle on.
DOORBELL RINGS
You look nice.
Do I?
Thanks for doing this tonight.
It's a big, important night for me, this.
I know you don't want to be here.
I do appreciate it.
Oh, right!
Thank you!
So, remember, go easy on the wine.
Just sit there and smile, eh?
Knockout, Jean!
Hi! Knockout! In't she, Di?
Eh? He keeps you lovely.
SOFT JAZZ PLAYS
I love what you've done
with the place.
Oh, I have the same breakfast bar!
Oh, thanks for picking me up, love.
I'll be glad to see the back
of this place. I need a break.
Them nurses - all over me.
These looks - they're a curse.
Dad, I just need to nip somewhere
before we go home.
You don't mind, do you?
We can't be long.
I'm dying for a decent brew.
It's like piss water in there.
DULL THUDDING
DOOR BANGS
The Lady In Red
by Chris De Burgh
So, er, you're in the building
trade, Vinnie?
Yeah.
You might know me as Mr Skip.
You're looking at the man
who introduced the mini-skip
to the whole northwest region.
Impressive.
And, er, you deal in white goods?
Electrical retail.
A wide selection of white AND brown
goods across three stores.
Doing VERY well in VERY hard times.
Cool.
So, about this treasury
I've got a question for you.
And I bet you get asked
all the time. Fire away.
Whatever happened to the Betamaxes?
Ah! See, I've got a couple of blueys
in the loft, you know.
We've had dimmers fitted throughout.
Good for you.
Nice to be able to set a mood.
Is this it, Jean?
Is what it? Life -
is this it?
A bloody dimmer switch
and a fancy chandelier?
Biding our time until they jack us
in for a younger model
with perkier tits?
Did I show you the vertical blinds?
No! No, you didn't!
Kath! What the bloody hell
are we doing HERE?
I'll only be a minute, Dad.
You just stay in here
and keep watch. Right?
Keep watch. Why?
What are you going to do?
Nothing. Is HE in there, is he?
Well, I wouldn't mind
a couple of minutes with HIM.
No, Dad, he's not.
Cos I've got unfinished business.
What do you mean?
He had one lucky punch.
Martin punched you?!
I thought you had a heart attack.
He is not going to hurt my girls.
Oh, I should've sorted him out
years ago.
Oh, God. It is all my fault,
isn't it?
Bad luck follows me round.
Seriously, I am cursed.
Oh, bloody hell! Don't tell me
he's got you cleaning for him.
Christ Almighty!
It's not like that.
Me head's up my arse.
I'm all over the place.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's crap, Dad.
It's all just a big load of crap.
SHE SIGHS
I know. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look at that.
That's a good 'un, that is. Hey!
Keep watch
and don't make any noise.
Sh. Right?
WHEELS CLATTER LOUDLY
The conservatory's lovely, Jean.
Bet there's a lot of windows
to clean.
Vintage Pinot Noir!
Oh, it is that.
Nothing but the best for you, Sandy,
eh, Vinnie?
Oh, aye.
SANDY CHUCKLES
So, here's to mini-skips, Vinnie.
BOTH CHUCKLE
Nice necklace, Diane.
Oh!
I'm thinking of getting my Jean
one of them fax machines, eh?
Keeps things spicy!
Excuse me, fellas. I'm going to have
to check in with HQ,
otherwise I get all kinds of earache
if I don't.
THEY CHUCKLE
VINNIE SIGHS
He's a nice fella, Vinnie.
Hmm.
Thanks for this, Sandy.
It means so much to me.
Anything for you, Martin.
You know that.
But you've been like a brother
to me.
How IS your mum?
Great. Yeah. Never changes.
My dad always fancied her, you know?
Hmm?
Said yours never missed
an opportunity.
Shrewd as they come - like you.
But come on,
tonight's all about us getting you
that treasurer's gig,
you winning over Vinnie.
Have you spoken to his new wife
Fiona yet?
Thick as a Boxing Day turd.
But you can't deny
she looks the part.
BELL RINGS
If you could all take your places
at the table.
Oh, lovely. I'm starving.
Come on, then. Right this way.
I've put place cards down
to show you where to sit.
Oh, great! Do I have to sit
next to Martin?!
MARTIN LAUGHS
What's she like?!
Yeah. What am I like?
Silly old Diane.
Do you need a hand, Jean?
She's fine, Diane.
She loves doing it.
I love place cards.
She nagged and nagged
for that conservatory.
It really is a cracker, Sandy,
isn't it?
Top class, mate. Looks a beauty.
Bloody well ought to, price I paid.
Cost me a fortune.
Don't you even dare ask me how much!
No.
Very nice.
Lovely. Oh, thanks.
Oh, thank you, Jean.
9,850 of your English pounds.
And that's without
the wicker furniture.
Hey, keep your voice down.
SHE'LL want one.
SHE LAUGHS
No, she will not.
She knows he can't afford it.
Oops! Am I not supposed to say that?
MARTIN CHUCKLES
She's pulling your leg.
DIANE CHUCKLES
GULPS AND SLURPS LOUDLY
Eat up.
Oh, the cherry!
Prick!
Bernadette was always Bernie.
Patricia was Pat,
and Elizabeth was Betty,
which is mad, in't it,
cos she looks like a Claire?
You know what? I love names.
What's Diane short for?
Well, I'm stuffed.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Lovely food, Jean, as always.
Wasn't it, Di?
Thank you.
What? I just said
the food was lovely.
Jean has served us a treat,
as always.
Well, you can't balls-up
shop-bought gateau, can you?
MARTIN LAUGHS
I think you've had enough,
er, darling.
And I think you should mind
your own fucking business.
True
by Spandau Ballet
Should I dim the lights?
Oh, yes, Jean.
You carry on fiddling with
your dimmers, nothing to see here.
Er, Vinnie was saying
he enjoys a round of golf.
We should pop over to that course
in Lytham, it's belting.
Fantastic idea.
Knock a few balls around,
put the world to rights.
How are you going to do that?
Cos Martin sold his golf clubs.
I think he needs the cash.
No, no, I'm buying better ones!
Yeah. Let's do it.
Make a lads' weekend out of it.
Lads?! You wish!
BLOWS RASPBERRY
WHEEZING LAUGHTER
She's got a point.
True.
But you're only as young
as the woman you feel, I say.
And what shall we do when they're
out cavorting, eh, ladies? Hmm?
When the cat's away
maybe WE should go out
and have a bit of fun. Hmm?
Oh, Diane!
Could be a giggle.
DIANE LAUGHS
What do you reckon, Fiona?
What's that?
Where do you youngsters go
to get a bit of trouser?
Diane?! What?
I mean, that's what you're doing
on your golf trips,
isn't it, Martin?
VINNIE LAUGHS
I like this one, Marty.
She's got bite.
Hasn't she just?!
What's she like?!
Hmm
Oi!
Oi! Fingers!
What are you doing with my bike?
Sorry? My bike.
Are you deaf, or summat?
I thought it was abandoned.
My mistake.
Yeah. Big mistake Grandad.
I beg your pardon?
Do you know who I am?
No.
Marguerita Time
by Status Quo
I didn't think it was true
That I could be
just like anyone else
I'll take my chance ♪
Hey. Going well tonight, Martin!
Do you reckon? Yeah.
Yeah! Vinnie loves your Diane.
Does he?
She's the life and soul.
Listen, the treasury job's yours.
Congratulations.
We both decided
there's no point hanging around.
I'll drop off the float tomorrow.
Thank you so much, Sandy!
That means so much to me!
Oh, and Vinnie wants
one of them fax machines an' all.
What can I say? He's a tit man.
DIANE CACKLES
My Fiona Hmm?
she's like a breath of fresh air,
you know,
compared to that old witch.
It's like starting again.
DIANE SCOFFS
Your Martin,
he seems like a good 'un.
Let me tell you about Martin.
Hang on.
There Yep.
Diane, get in!
The meter's running!
Once again, Jean,
I'm so sorry about the lamp!
Jean! Jean! Remind Sandy to pop
round to the shop first thing
in the morning with the float
and all that. I will do.
You're the best! Ta-ra!
Ta-ra.
HE SIGHS
Everything is going to be
all right, Di.
HE CHUCKLES
Ohh
Driver, I just need to do
one little detour.
Here you are, mate, anywhere here.
Thank you.
Spot-on, mate. Just be a sec.
What are we doing HERE?
Oh, no. No.
Martin, we need to go home.
I want to go home, Martin.
No, I just want to pop in
and get a fax for Vinnie.
I said I'd pop it round first thing.
Tonight? Oh, no, Martin
Martin, no!
Martin, no! No, leave it.
Just leave it.
Just get back in. Can you
take us home, please, driver?
Look, it won't take a minute, Di.
Do that again,
and I'll knock you out.
I will put you over my knee
in a minute, lad.
Dad! You can't be threatening a kid.
Are you all right, love?
Screw you, Grandma.
SHE GASPS
Rude!
Who are YOU?
Who are YOU?
He's a little shit,
that's who HE is.
Yeah. I'm your worst nightmare, sweetheart.
He's a Slater, whatever that means.
KATH LAUGHS
You're a Slater brother?
Yeah. What are you laughing at?
So, Martin Parker owes you money?
Yeah, he does, and it needs paying.
What's it to you, anyway, blondie?
I'm his
his cleaner.
Then, you can tell him
if he fails to pay,
me and my brothers are going
to teach him a lesson.
What, how to do wheelies?
HE SCOFFS
Here you are. This'll shut you up.
See you later, psycho!
Well, where's HE going?
I was just going to give him
these bonbons.
Come on. Driver, can you
just take us home, please?
Get back in.
It won't take a minute, Di.
SHE SIGHS
What are you doing?
You've never looked so attractive.
Huh?
I think I like you being
the treasurer.
Oh, sneaky cow!
Bloody hell, Di!
Frig the fax.
Come on.
We'll get the driver to play us
some Elkie Brooks.
BOTH CHUCKLE
Fool If You Think It's Over
by Elkie Brooks
CHUCKLING CONTINUES
Drive on, mate!
Fool if you think it's over
Cos you said goodbye
Fool if you think it's over
I'll tell you why
Newborn eyes always cry with pain
At the first look
at the morning sun
Fool if you think it's over
It's just begun ♪