The Real O'Neals (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Kenny: There's nothing like the first warm day after an endless Chicago winter.
Is it warm? I-it's 52 degrees.
[Crying.]
People go a little nuts.
[All cheering.]
Yesterday was dark and gray, but I know we will move along Hey, hey, hey - Ohhhh! - Looking for a holiday I found a place that's nice and warm for my escape The sunshine makes you ready for a fresh start.
More importantly, it makes you think that anything might be possible.
Hey, how ya doin'? - [School bell rings.]
- it feels so good to see you smile At school, skin is showing and love is in the air.
But spring for the only out gay kid at a midwestern Catholic high school is a little lonely.
I mean, there is clearly gay Stewart.
Hi.
But Stewart's still working through some stuff.
Mm.
Bitch, you are delish.
Too bad I'm off carbs.
[Both laugh.]
I risked everything by coming out, all so I would be less lonely, but I'm more alone than ever.
Sometimes, life makes you wonder.
Ow! Watch it! Hey, sorry! I hate frisbee.
It's so hard.
Oh, my god.
Archie: God bless the women of Chicago.
Bringing out the legs the minute it breaks 50 just like little troupers.
I hope all these girls have some warm coats in their cars 'cause it could be winter again in an hour.
I'm just gonna ignore that and enjoy this bounty of limbs, which you, as a newly single man, should be doing, too.
Yeah, but I'm not really single yet.
That's the thing.
I'm just in this weird sexless purgatory where all I do is learn how to use the washer/dryer.
All the more reason to open your eyes and let in the limbs.
Honestly, man, I'm so far from getting back out there again.
I don't even see them.
I still have marriage eyes.
Is that why they're so cold and dead? Yes, it is.
Jodi: Hello! It's spring! I say we go find that one grassy patch in the park and celebrate with this classy European dessert booze I made in my sink.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to go drink in the park by yourself again.
I'm applying for a job.
Well, if it's a job with the fun police, you're hired.
I mean, what was the point of even coming out when there are zero people at school to do anything out with? Not just at school.
Think about it.
If only 10% of the population is gay, and only like half of those are out, and only like 5% of those are your age, there's like four people for you to date in all of Illinois.
Oh, my god.
Some of them are probably farmers.
It's not funny! It's a little It's a little funny.
It's called biscotti and baskets.
They make these darling baskets filled with, well, Biscotti.
And I thought it's time for a job.
You know, I'm not a wife anymore.
In four years, I'll be an empty nester.
Well, aside from Jimmy probably.
And I just feel like I want to go out there and contribute.
[Mockingly.]
That's very responsible.
[Normal voice.]
Let's go to the park.
I just don't want to be one of those single women who sits home drinking all day.
Not the first time I've been someone's cautionary tale.
I'm just worried no one will hire me.
I mean, aside from teaching Sunday school and making baskets for church auctions, I haven't had a real job since before the kids were born.
But your baskets are so good.
Remember the Christmas basket that you made with the peppermint bark and the abstinence-education materials? The "guard your basket" basket was a classic.
Maybe I could just take the laptop and show the guys some pictures of things I've made.
But I have no idea what to write on this application for references.
I can help.
I've applied for tons of jobs because I'm not the kind of woman anybody wants to take care of.
Just don't tell anyone, especially the kids.
I hate for them to know I've ever failed at anything.
[Mockingly.]
"Except for my marriage.
" [Giggles.]
[Normal voice.]
I'm kidding.
I'm totally kidding.
I think that it's great that you're getting back out there.
And I'll help you with what to write.
You know, you're a strong, wonderful woman, and anybody would be lucky to have you.
We just have to fix All of this.
[Shannon clears throat.]
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi.
What you guys talking about? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
I'm just gonna run out to my car and get a grooming kit I keep in my trunk in case of an outbreak or an emergency child pageant.
[Chuckles.]
Well, farmers are cute, and they - milk cows, you know - Jimmy! Well, Mom's Internet dating.
- Shut up! - What? Yeah, I heard her talking to Aunt Jodi about it.
Next we'll meet a series of guys, which will be awkward, but at least one of them will teach us how to ski.
And Dad will meet a career woman who thought she missed her chance to have babies, but marries Dad by summer so she can squeeze a couple out before she gets the change.
What did she just What? What? N Wait, no, Dad still lives downstairs.
Will we all live together when they're remarried? Wha Are we becoming mormons? No, Mom cannot get a boyfriend before I do.
Really? That's where you went with this? Listen, it's creepy and upsetting that our parents are moving on, but I'm 16 and I'm still way more interested in this.
You should go online, too.
- You think? - Totally.
There are a million apps.
Gays basically invented the online hookup.
Right after they invented Bravo and Lady Gaga and breaking out into song in the middle of a normal play.
Gays are the greatest.
Give me your phone.
Okay, Grindr's old news.
I know the app.
Um Kenny, name, age, I got that.
Size? You mean like small, medium, large, or, like, number sizes? I don't know.
Um I'm a medium top, small bottom.
Write that.
Next, what are you looking for? There's categories of guys to choose from.
What? Bear, wolf, otter, giraffe, silver fox.
They're all animals.
- Are these types of gay people? - I don't know.
- What type are you? - I don't know.
- Well, what's your type? - I don't know.
I need advisers, like a Like a gay presidential cabinet.
Gay bear: We'll help you, sugar.
So, let's walk you through this.
I'm a bear.
Typically, we're barrel-chested, covered in hair, and most comfortable in flannel.
Got it.
Uh, that makes sense.
And that's an otter.
They're like bears, but littler.
And we like to float on our backs.
You also got a silver fox, a bull, a wolf, a dolphin.
And I'm a giraffe, which just means I'm tall.
Not sure why people don't just call me tall.
- Giraffe.
- Seriously.
- give it a rest.
- We love labels.
Guys, I'm lost.
Okay.
Well, I-I'm gonna help you out the same way I would if my little brother was curious about girls.
I'm gonna take it to a higher power.
Internet porn.
N-no.
But but we're not 18, and they always ask.
Kenny, you're adorable.
"Gay porn for dudes.
" I'm out.
Look at this.
The first flowers of spring.
Watch the slush, ladies.
Those sandals have to last you all summer long.
And I'll take that.
And these.
The open container law is still in effect when the sun's out, people.
Hi, I'm sorry, but I'm a little lost.
Do you know which way to rush and division? Sure.
Just two blocks up, three over.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- You cover that beat, too? - No, ma'am, that's vice on account of the rampant prostitution.
Be safe.
What are you doing? What? The only directions that woman needed was to the intersection of her and you.
[Chuckles.]
Me on, are you this guy today? It's warm out.
I'm this guy till labor day.
Really think she was flirting? The world is trying to welcome you back, man.
- [Sighs.]
Here.
- Just try chatting somebody up.
I'm just not ready, okay? 'Cause if I chat up a girl, then I probably have to go on a date.
Yeah, you do! And then if she's my age, she's probably got kids.
Child-bearing age! I just don't want my kids sharing bedrooms with her kids who have behavioral issues from their parents' divorce, 'cause then when they steal our TV for drug money, it's all on me, you know? Yeah.
You're not ready.
There are a lot of categories.
Where do you want to start? Mm, I don't know.
[Gasps.]
Mm, but I do like the shirt in the Brooks Brothers ad.
Oh, linen's back.
- Yeah, finally.
- [Chuckles.]
Um, okay, let's start with something mellow.
Oh, like this one.
"Office party.
" I mean, it's at work.
People can't misbehave too much, right? [Computer chimes.]
- Whoa, Nelly! - Oh, god! That's not mellow.
It's not mellow.
There are so many people at this party.
Far too many.
Come on, I just wanted to see nice men doing normal gay stuff.
Yeah, me too.
To be supportive.
I'm trying to be supportive.
Why don't we search for something else? - Not to be homophobic.
- No, you're not homophobic.
New search.
[Computer chiming.]
It's not working.
It's frozen.
[Computer chiming rapidly.]
Oh, god! What's happening now? Wha why are all these windows popping up? Dude, it's a pornado.
Shut it down.
Click it off now! Kenny! - It's not stopping.
- It's getting worse.
So many close-ups, and that one's straight porn.
- Be consistent! - Where does it end? God.
I just wanted to find someone to like.
I can't handle this! Don't leave me with all the butts in my face! Not to be homophobic! You know I'm not one to hand out compliments, but I look amazing.
You look so great.
He's gonna love you.
We'll see.
I'll drive you for moral support.
You've been drinking since noon.
You'll drive me for moral support.
Oh, wait.
My computer with my pictures.
I'll be right back.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Oh.
You like my baskets? You're welcome, Mr.
President.
Okay, let's just reboot the computer, clear the history, and then I'll go sit quietly in my bedroom and live a lonely life of sexless reflection.
Where's the computer? Maybe the pornado blew it off the bed.
Shannon, did you take the laptop?! Shannon: No, I think mom did.
What's wrong? The computer got a porn virus.
If mom opens it What is on the computer will literally melt her face off.
Like at the end of "Indiana Jones.
" Right, but, you know, with fewer Nazis and way more bronzer.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry.
This is really funny for me.
Horrible for you and Mom, though.
Totally see that.
We got to get it back before she opens it.
Okay, where did she go? Ooh, she's on an Internet date.
- Wh already? - What? Great, I'm gonna die alone and Mom is killing it.
She's already dating? That's no.
This this is too soon.
What would she even wear on a date? She's got regular khakis and capri khakis.
- Like, that's it.
- Really? Why would Mom take a computer on a date? Well, she's pretty dumb about computers.
She might think an Internet date means you actually have to be on the Internet.
We have to get it back before Mom opens it in front of some strange guy who thinks that Mom is into four guys trying to - Hello? - [Chuckling nervously.]
Hi.
What is up, girlfriend? How are you? How are you? Uh, just running a couple errands.
What's up? Uh, you know, I really need the computer for some school stuff.
I think you have it.
I do, but I'll be home in an hour.
Maybe I could just, like, come by, pick it up? Where are you precisely? Um, I'm pretty far.
Trying out a new dry-cleaner a few towns over.
She's having a life of her own for once.
Stop hounding her.
[Cellphone beeps.]
[Groans.]
Now what? We have to get the computer back.
Wait, who has the "Find my Mac" code? - Dad.
- Dad.
W but Mom is on a date.
That'll kill him.
Okay.
Well, we'll try to keep it a secret, but if we have to choose between Dad seeing Mom on a date or Mom seeing the literal bowels of the Internet - Go, go! - Great.
Can you drive any faster, Dad, please? I know I should be wagging my finger at you guys, but this reminds me of a time in high school when I rented a little adult film about some young ladies at a summer camp.
It got stuck in the VCR.
Gross.
What's a VCR? Dad, it's not that kind of movie.
I know, I get it.
It's Kenny's kind.
But it's fine.
Still normal stuff for boys to be looking at.
No, Dad, this was not normal.
It was advanced, Dad.
Like like A.
P.
Porn.
What do you mean "advanced"? Well, you know that video where they cut open the shark and a whole tire slides out? It's kind of like that.
Just, like, stuff you cannot unsee.
Is that what you're into? No.
No.
That's the whole point, Dad.
I was watching this stuff 'cause I have no idea what I'm into, then I was gonna start online dating, but then they started asking what kind of animals I like.
Oh, God! No, no, no, Dad.
Not real animals.
It's types of gay guys.
There's all sorts of terms that you have to learn.
- It's weird.
- Being gay has homework.
What kind of animal am I? - You're a bear.
- And I'm a wolf.
- What's Kenny? - He's a twink.
- I am? - Mm-hmm.
That is the gayest-sounding one.
Not to be homoph You g you get it.
None of this matters anyway.
I'm gonna die alone.
It's just Just too complicated.
Hey, it's not complicated, okay? Just think about your ideal person.
What's he like? Right now, I just want someone cute to smile at me.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Aww.
That's adorable.
And I bet that's what Mom's about to see on the computer right about now.
Someone cute and smiling because he just - Dad, how close are we? - Just around the corner.
Look, don't worry.
I'll go in.
If she's seen anything, I'll just tell her she's got to accept that there are some new things in all of our lives now and we have to be open to change.
Um Dad, I'm really glad you feel that way, because, uh, if you're gonna be going in, you should probably know something.
Mom is currently on a date.
[Tires screech.]
She what?! Dad, take a deep breath.
Think about the The girls at summer camp.
How is your mom dating already? I still have marriage eyes.
How come she doesn't have marriage eyes? Her eyes are colder and deader than mine.
Um, Dad, do you think doesn't have could emotionally unravel and drive at the same time? We know this is hard, and yes, Mom's dating and will get remarried, and our new dad will be great on the grill and he'll use your barbecue, and that'll hurt, but we'll still visit you and the triplets in your condo on the lake, and that'll be nice, right? I bet he'll teach you how to ski, too.
Look, Dad, I realize you're upset, but there is a ticking porn bomb out there.
So if we could maybe, you know, just get going.
Dad, listen, I'm as freaked out about this as you are, okay? But but you're not gonna have to worry about how things are gonna go for you out there.
You are a beautiful bear.
A-and you're gonna be just fine.
Kenny, you're attracted to guys.
Tell Dad what you find attractive about him.
No, don't think that's a good idea.
Dad, I Mom was just starting to kind of thaw on the idea of me being gay.
If she sees what's on that computer, she will never speak to me again.
Okay.
You know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
Dad has a strong jawline and eyes you can get lost in.
Sure.
Pornward! [Tires squeal.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
So, the hit biscotti and baskets took with the edible arrangements boom was tough, but the bloom is definitely off of that rose, and we're ready to expand our workforce.
I never liked edible arrangements.
The only way to make a pineapple into a flower is if you save the hard middle part.
Why would I send a bereaved loved one cut fruit you need to keep cutting? [Chuckles.]
"Sorry about your dead parent.
Here's the worst part of fruit.
" "Congratulations on the new baby.
Here's more work for you.
" [Both laugh.]
[Both sigh.]
I like you, Eileen O'Neal.
I like you, Michael-Gregory.
So, I have some great ideas for your shop.
I think, actually, even more important than "work experience" is that I've been making gift baskets for school and church auctions for years.
I have some photos if you'd like Oh, don't worry about that.
You wouldn't be actually making the Baskets.
That's my job.
Oh.
Well, um, I also love to bake, so if biscotti making is my game Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We have a master biscotti maker.
Went to school in Florida.
Whoa.
Hard to beat that.
[Chuckles.]
So, uh, if I wouldn't be doing Biscotti and I wouldn't be doing Baskets, what would I be doing at biscotti and baskets? You'd be more of a do- whatever-I-need sort of gal.
You good at following orders? Yeah.
Sure.
Sometimes.
Once.
Um, I would love to show you some examples of what I could do if you'd be willing to expand the job description just a skitch.
Oh, God, she's opening it! That's who she's on a date with? That guy does not ski.
Mom's into koala bears.
Huh.
All right, I will take a look at what you have here.
Hi, I'm so sorry.
Just want to do homework so bad right now.
Kenny? What are you doing? You're wearing your Christmas lipstick for him? Wha [Voice breaking.]
I'll be in the car.
Sorry we're interrupting your date.
Date? What? How you doing? My name's Pat, and as you can see, I carry a gun.
It's not a threat, just a fact.
Please write down your income and pass it back to me.
What is going on? I am not on a date.
This is a job interview.
What? Really? - Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
We'll talk when you get this number up a little bit.
I am so sorry, Michael-Gregory.
I know this is very unprofessional.
Oh, I don't care.
You seem mean and I like that.
[Chuckles.]
Besides, it's not Biscotti and brain surgery.
You got the job.
- I do? - Mm-hmm.
You got a job? [Scoffs.]
You got a job! [Chuckling.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Wow, thank you.
It feels so good to know you want me.
But I-I'm gonna have to pass.
What? Well, I Think I have more to offer than you're looking for, and now that I know I can get a job, I-I'd rather wait for something more worthy of my time.
I get that.
But sometimes you aim for Broadway and land at biscotti and Baskets.
Good luck.
Mm.
[Bell over door rings.]
I cannot believe you thought I was ready to date.
You're not? - No! - Okay.
I mean, what if he has a dog? Or a cat? Or hobbies? I'm so glad to hear you say that, 'cause I'm definitely not ready to date, either.
- Good.
- [Chuckles.]
Maybe we should lay down some ground rules for when we are ready.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
No firemen.
They're just so smug.
I mean, you know who else could do your job, pal? Water.
- All right, well, no Janie Robertson.
- What? She's divorced now and she likes to play volleyball in a bikini.
Ooh, really? Yes.
Okay, no Janie Robertson, no firemen.
- Deal.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, would you look at that.
It's not spring yet after all.
Ah, Chicago, you got us again.
Spring doesn't always come all at once, and after a long winter, it's easy to get ahead of yourself.
The O'Neals all put on shorts a little too early this year.
Kenny? Yeah, that's That's me.
This one's on the house, Kenny.
But then, out of nowhere, just the right amount of sun broke through.
Really? Um, thank you.
Uh, Jake.
I'm [Chuckles.]
Jake.
Ooh! Coffee.
Thank god.
I am hung.
Kenny, I realize with your hairy legs and your hairless torso, you could be a faun Half boy, half goat.
Oh.
And winter returns.
He is cute.
You are cute.
Are you sure everyone's asleep? Yes.
Don't worry about it.
- You got Mom's credit card? - Wichow! This is so exciting.
Okay, let's find something you like.
What size? That looks way too big.
Yes, it does.
What color do you want? Black or white? I like purple.
[Chuckles.]
You would.
Now, that was homophobic.
Thank you.
That one.