The Royle Family (1998) s01e05 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # Oh, I'm holding that place together.
I'd done four trays of pasties before she'd took her hands out of her pockets.
(Sighs) You know what it is, though, don't you, love? - No, love, and I'm fascinated.
- She don't want to work, her.
Well, that will be it, then, won't it? She's got a new fella.
She wants to be gallivanting.
Ha! She'll be back.
She'll be back for her job once he's chucked her.
She thinks he's gonna take her on with them two kids and they're not even his.
He'll never leave his wife for her.
They never do, do they? No, but some of them must be really tempted.
(Door slams) - (Denise) Yeah, you do.
No, you do! - Ooh, that's our Denise back.
(Dave) one night in that pub without her there.
Sounds like Dave's with her.
(Arguing continues) (Sighs) Do you know, I can't believe this time next week them two will be married.
(Dave) Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Sounds as though they're already married.
You don't think they're having a row, do you? (Denise) I'm not marrying you.
Get lost! Oh, yeah, they are.
They're having a row.
(Denise) I'd rather marry a big stick of shit! (Dave) Well, I think I am marrying a big stick of shit with a big gob.
Oh, Jim.
They're having a right go at it.
It's much worse than it was last week.
(Dave) Yeah, yeah.
Do you think you'd better pop down and have a word with her? Mmm.
I don't know whether I should.
(Antony) Shut it! We're trying to kip up here.
- Hey, you shut it, Antony! - (Arguing continues) Think I might go down, Jim.
Go on, love.
You go and sort it out.
If you think I'm marrying you now, you pig, I'm not.
- Oh, aye.
- Look, look.
Well, a load of lads fancy me.
Right? And I never bother with them.
- Well, bother with them if you want to.
- I don't want to! Every time we see Beverly Macca it's the same.
You love flirting with her.
I saw your face and you love it.
- I'm not even talking about this crap.
- Yeah, well I could wear a dead, dead tight top and a really, really short miniskirt, but I don't because I've got more respect for myself.
But you don't, you don't respect me.
You don't give me any respect.
- Oh.
Dave, what have you done now? - I've done nowt.
She's not crying for nothing, is she? - He was flirting with Beverly Macca.
- Was I hell.
I'm a DJ, right? She was asking me for a record.
Yeah.
"All right, darling," he kept saying to her.
And why? Why did you have to kiss her when she left? She came over to me.
Yeah, well Every time when I come out of the toilets, right, she was round him like flies, right, round shit.
And you're the shit.
And she's not even the fly because she's too fat to be the fly.
And she's the shit.
And that's what they are - the two shovels of shit.
And that's it.
You don't have to bring shit into it, love.
- 'Ere.
- Right He's not even interested in getting married to me.
Every time I mention the wedding, right, he's not even interested.
Oh, I'm sick of this crap, I'm going.
- You can't drive.
You've had a drink.
- I'm all right.
You're not all right! Jim! Yeah, let him go, Mam, let him kill himself if that's what he wants.
Oh, no, come on, Denise, now you know you don't mean that.
Every time I do a gig round here we get this crap.
Every time you do a gig round here that cow is there.
(Footsteps) (Sobs) What's going on now? They're arguing about Beverly Macca.
She's all right, Beverley, she's a tasty piece.
Jim! Got something to tell you, Dad.
I'm not getting married on Saturday.
That's a few bob saved, anyway.
Come on, let's get to bed.
- Jim! - Well, it's the ale talking, isn't it? - Bloody hell.
They're canned up.
- I'm not canned.
What have you been drinking? Water? Now, listen, it's a big step you're both taking.
You're bound to get het up.
I mean, we're all fed up with this wedding, we've just got to grit our teeth and get through it.
- I can't believe you've just said that.
- What? You're fed up with the happiest day of my life.
Let's have a nice cup of tea.
Aye.
I'll put the kettle on.
All I wanted, right, all I wanted was just the happiest day of my life, right? And then just to live happily ever after, that's all I wanted.
And him bloody Peter Stringfellow, he's spoilt it.
I know.
I'm going in there.
It's doing my head in, this.
Anyway, he was never even bothered about the wedding.
He was just more bothered about the stag night.
Well, you're having a hen night, aren't you? Yeah.
And And I'm gonna have a brilliant time just to spite him, that get.
Come on.
Blow.
Now, just grin and bear it, son, it will all be over in a couple of weeks.
See, our Denise is like her mother, and Barbara always has a bloody go at me when she's pissed.
Mind you, to be fair to her, she has a go at me when she's sober.
I'm looking forward to this wedding, Jim, just cos I don't do a song and dance about it every two minutes I know.
Is there any tea going? Bloody hell.
Have you got radar up your arse? What's happening now? Dunno if you know it or not, lad, but he's getting married next week.
Oh, what is it this time, then? She's got a cob on cos I was talking to Beverly Macca.
- That's the top and bottom of it.
- Beverly Macca? - She's got gorgeous knockers, her.
- I wouldn't know.
Oh, no, she has, son.
Jesus.
Ooh! Antony, ask your mother where she's hid that whisky, we'll have a drop in our tea.
Oh, nice one, yeah.
Hey, I love whisky, me.
Have you owt to eat, Jim? I'm starving.
Don't let our Denise see you stuffing your bloody face at a time like this, lad.
There's a bit of ham in there.
Shove it in a bloody butty.
- In the pan cupboard, Dad.
- In the pan cupboard? She's not expecting burglars, is she? - (Clattering) - Oh, Jesus.
Tell you what, you couldn't have an argument every week, could you, Dave? - Is that beetroot going spare? - Aye, get it down you.
Cheers.
You not making me one, Dave? None left.
(Laughs) Where's them Club biscuits gone? There you go.
Come on, Denise, love.
Hey.
He's dead upset in there.
Well, I don't care.
Is he? He thinks the bloody world of you, you know.
And he's a good lad, a good-hearted bloody lad.
Always got his hand in his pocket at the club, not like his bloody old fella, Limp-along Leslie.
Come on, love, try and drink it.
I've put a bit of whisky in for your nerves.
She don't want any more.
She's had enough.
I'm not pissed.
I only had about nine.
It's just too much for me.
The wedding and him.
He's all right, the big, long streak of piss.
What's he doing in there? He's, er He's talking it over.
With Antony? He knows nowt.
Is there anything on the telly, Barb? Just put the box on, love.
There isn't anything on.
That's why nothing gets sorted in this house, nobody ever talks.
You do nothing else but talk.
You just bent me ear for a bloody hour and bored the arse off me, telling me about bloody Pauline's flexitime.
It was Donna! Do you know, I knew you werert listening.
I don't know why I bother to keep our relationship going.
Dad! Stop picking your nose.
How can you be bothered about me picking me nose with all the troubles you've got? - Havert you got a hanky? - What? In my pyjamas? - There's not enough room for me tackle.
- Do we need to know, Jim? So is Is that it, kiddo, is it Is it all off? I don't know.
I'll have to have a think in me head.
Eh.
Do you remember the first time Dave came round? He never said a word for three months.
And he took that old armchair to the tip for us and it really broke the ice.
Bloody hell, you don't half talk rubbish sometimes, Barbara.
Well, it did.
At least he's better than that other dopey bugger.
What was his name? Stuart who lived in the flats.
He was a gormless get, him.
He couldn't find his own arse with both hands.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I were really glad when you broke that engagement off.
Yeah.
(Siren) Eh.
Do you remember when Dave came to Cleethorpes with us in that four-berth? He took his shoes off and none of us dared say nowt.
I bloody did, they were rife.
- He wanted a stake through them.
- (Laughs) They've got much better now.
You know, since I got him that stuff from the Avon.
Well, there, you see, he does make an effort for you.
You see, love, there's nothing wrong in looking at someone's thrupenny bits, just as long as you're only looking.
I know that, Dad.
(Sniffs) It's just her, Beverly Macca, she just winds me up.
She's always there, laughing at everything he says.
He's not that funny.
Oh, I know that, love, I know that.
Bloody hell.
Tell you what, Barb.
Don't give me any more of that bloody rhubarb, it's giving me bloody chronic bloody indigestion, it's repeating on me.
I've got some Gaviscon or some Rennies there, if you like.
I don't fancy either of them.
I think you better get us a couple of Rennies.
Right.
(Sighs) Come on, Denise, don't worry.
It'll be all right.
The Rennies will soon do the trick.
(Chuckles) Hey, gannets.
Them KitKats are for your dad.
- Have you seen them Rennies? - I've not had 'em.
I didn't say have you had 'em, I said have you seen 'em? It's a wonder you haven't had 'em, you've had everything else.
Do you know, you can't find anything in this house.
Oh.
Here they are.
Are you coming in, Dave? - She calmed down a bit? - Yeah.
It's all blown over now.
Aye.
Barbara.
- Hm? - There was nowt going on, you know.
I know.
It's that Beverly Macca.
OK.
Now, you're quite you're quite amazing-Iooking - Here you are, love.
- Ta, love.
Turn that telly off.
All right.
There's always shite on at this time.
- Hey.
Is The Equalizer on? - Equalizer, my arse.
And what does that What does that feel like? Is it? What do you do for a living? I have some gardening jobs, for old ladies All right, Panda Eyes? They match your top.
I'm not laughing at you, Dave.
I'm still not speaking to you.
That's good.
I thought I'd gone deaf.
I feel really rough, you know.
You haven't given them Rennies a chance yet.
You've only just shoved them in your gob.
- Think I've got liver failure.
- Oh, don't be so daft, Jim.
I've had a bloody pain in my kidneys.
Is it moving around your body? - Where are your kidneys? - In your back.
How can you have a pain in them if you don't know where they are? (Denise) Remember last time when it was trapped wind? Yeah.
You don't think it was them pork chops, do you? We'd all have it, then, wouldn't we? No, some people are very funny about pork.
Jim, you want me to get the doctor? No, no.
No bloody need for that.
He can't be that bad, then, can he? No.
And he was right as rain when the football was on.
- Hey, who won? - Celty, one nil.
- Yes.
Who scored? - Hughes.
'Eader.
56th minute.
Bang.
Magic.
(Jim sighs) I feel as weak as a bloody kitten, you know.
Dad.
Will you pass us a fag before you josh it? Probably pulled something, Jim.
Why don't you put some Fiery Jack on it? No, I hate that stuff.
It stinks the house out.
(Belches) Ooh.
(Belches) Ooh.
Oh, I think that shifted it.
(Barbara) Yeah, well, there you see, I told you it was heartburn.
Oh, Jim.
Had me worried there, love.
Aye, but that's how it will bloody happen one day, you'll see.
You wanna treat that as a bloody dress rehearsal.
(Belches) Oh, aye.
It feels a lot better, that, now.
Right, you two, are we getting married or what? Course they are.
Arert you? Don't know.
What do you think, Dave? Might as well.
All right, then.
Seeing as you've apologised to me.
(Jim) Right, Antony, go and make another drink now, we can celebrate.
We've just had one.
I know, but I was bloody dying then, wasrt I? I couldn't enjoy it.
Glad I didn't call that doctor.
I wouldn't have known where to put me face.
(Yawns) We'll just have this brew and then we'll go to bed.
Oh, eh, Denise, you'll have to go and get that sleeping bag out of the airing cupboard for Dave.
Right.
A blue-eyed beauty.
A majestic six-footer.
It's a thumbs-up to everybody Ooh, I didn't tell you.
Nana rang.
She wants us to look after Robson, she's going to see Auntie Annie.
- Why doesn't she take it with her? - What? To Blackpool? Anyway, Annie's got a cat.
It's crap, that budgie.
Can't even talk.
It can, it's just your nana doesn't let it get a word in bloody edgeways.
Don't even hardly squawk since Jerome died.
They were in love, them two.
- They're blokes, Robson and Jerome.
- It's only names, irt it? You couldn't tell which one was the boy and which one was the girl.
I bet you they bloody could.
Anyway, budgies are blind.
Don't talk so stupid.
How do they find their perches? They'd be sat on their arses on the floor of the cage.
Oh, it's bats I'm thinking of.
(Denise) Yeah.
Hey.
Mate of mine worked in a pet shop, you know.
Oh? Yeah, but he, er he got the sack.
Oh.
Why? - He got caught with his hands in the Trill.
- Wahay! - (Laughs loudly) The old ones are the best.
Yay.
You daft pair of buggers.
Forget the tea, Flash.
Just bring the whisky.
(Tuts) Look at him now.
I'm glad I didn't call out that doctor.
Hey, Dave.
Do me dad that impression of Paul Daniels.
- Go away.
- Oh, go on.
- Yeah, go on, Dave.
I love impressions.
- No.
- Go on.
- Go on.
No.
Hey, Jim, turn that telly down.
- Who's he doing? - Paul Daniels.
It's brilliant.
- Go on, Dave.
- Go on.
All right, all right.
(Clears throat) That's magic.
(Laughs) - That's Orville.
- That's bloody Orville.
Rory Bremner's job's safe, isn't it? Eh, you remember that time they had Paul Daniels on Spitting Image? And he was in bed with Debbie balancing a glass of milk on the top of his head.
And he goes like that and he whips his rug off, and the glass of milk stays on his head and he goes, "That's magic".
- (Laughing) - I love that, me.
Not a lot.
I'm sure you two are a bit bloody simple.
- Is that that puppet thing, Dave? - Yeah.
Oh, I never got that, me.
I don't like puppets.
- You like the Muppets.
- Oh, yes, I like the Muppets.
Come on, Barb, I think it's time for bloody bed.
Do you know, it's freezing in here.
Dad, can we put the fire on? No need for that.
We're going to bed after this bloody drink.
Dave, if you're not warm enough in that sleeping bag, love, there's some blankets in the airing cupboard.
(Jim) They're made for Arctic conditions, them sleeping bags.
- Just as well, in here.
- When I courted your mother, I couldn't stay behind in her house no matter how cold it was.
- I had to bloody walk home.
- Well, you didn't have a car.
Well? Do you know, I am glad that wedding's back on again.
I'm always upset when you call it off.
- To the wedding.
- (AII cheer) - How long have we been together, Barb? - 27 years.
27 years, Dave, and we've never had a cross word.
What are you on about, Jim? # How to handle a woman # Is to love her # Simply love her # Big, soft ha'p'orth.
- You haven't got a clue, have you? - I missed me way, me, kid.
I could have been the Mick Hucknall of our estate.
Ah, Dad.
Sing Dave that song you used to sing our Antony when he was a baby.
- (Antony) Oh, no.
- Go on.
- Oh, yeah.
It's lovely.
- Hey.
You'll like this.
- Come on.
- It's a nice one, this.
(Laughter) # Walking down the street in ragged clothes is not a joke # People laugh at me, ha, ha! # And call me beggar cos I'm broke # But there's one little lad and he calls me dad # Shake hands with a millionaire # (Cheering) (Laughs) Antony, go and get me banjo, son.
(Barbara) Bugger off, Jim, it's one o'clock.
I'm gonna enjoy meself, we're 24-hour bloody party people.
(Antony) Go on, Ma.
- (Dave) Banjo.
- Go on, then.
Oh, I thought I'd seen the last of that thing.
Have you heard me on the old banjo? Several times, James.
Do you know, when you peg it, I'm going to bury you with that thing.
(Antony) Hey.
I thought I was getting that.
Good lad.
You're going to follow in my musical footsteps.
He bought that down the car boot.
A-ha, two, a-one, two, three, four.
# I want a girl # Just like the girl that married dear old Dad # Skiddly-do, skiddly-do-do-do-do # She was a girl # And the only belle that Daddy ever had # A real old-fashioned girl with eyes of blue # The one who really loved no one but you # I want a girl # Just like the girl that married dear old Dad # (Cheering) (Laughs) Any requests? Yeah.
Let's go to bed.
(Laughs) - Hey, Mam.
You sing us a song.
- No.
It's one o'clock in the morning.
- Go on.
- We're not at the bloody Palladium.
(Dave) Come on, Barbara.
(Chanting) Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
No.
No, I don't know any songs.
Do that one that you sing when you wash up.
- Oh, no, no.
I'll sing.
- Oh, no.
- (Antony) Don't let her sing.
- Shut up.
Do you remember when she sang in the bloody Feathers? What did she sing? That Whitney Houston number.
She was that bad, the landlord barred his bloody self out.
Dad.
# You were made for me # Everybody tells me # - I'm not doing any more.
You take over.
- Come on.
(Jim) It's nice, that, nice.
# All the trees are meant for little things # That sing and fly # And the sun was burn um, dee-dee # Up in the sky # Little eyes were never meant to cry # They were meant to see # And when I held you in my arms I knew # That you were meant for me # Oh, you # Oh, nice one, Barbara.
(Jim laughs) - Lovely, kiddo.
- Hey, Ant, do that muscleman thing.
- Oh, not again.
- Come on.
We've all had a go.
Hey! Come on, now.
We've all had a go.
(# All hum) - Oh, that's enough.
- (Jim) Miserable bugger! I'm not giving any more than that.
- Get out.
- (Laughter) Hey, that reminds me.
Is there any chicken left? Hey.
Hey, come on.
What are we gonna sing now? (Barbara) We're going to bed.
(Jim) Don't be a killjoy.
I'm enjoying myself.
I was going to put one bar of the fire on.
Come on, Antony.
Go and hide that thing.
And, er, get that sleeping bag for Dave, will you, love, while you're there? Hey, Dad, will you play the banjo at our reception? It's already paid for, your reception.
We'll have a bloody good time if it kills us.
I'm going to bed.
Night.
- Night.
- Night, muscleman.
Will that be warm enough for you, Dave? Oh, aye.
Sound, this, yeah.
I haven't got any pillows for you, love.
- I'll put a couple of cushions together.
- Yeah, put some cushions together.
- Good night, Dave.
- Night.
Should I leave that big light for you, love? - Er, yeah, for a minute.
- You will buggery.
You'll forget to put it off.
Come on, Denise.
Good night, Casanova.
Night, Bev.
- Denise.
- (Scoffs) Hey.
Don't push it.
(Sighs) # You were made for me # Everybody tells me so # You were made for me # (# Hums) (Distant siren) # And kiss me on # - (Farts) - (Sighs) (Farts) Dave.
I love you, you big pillock.
Hey, get in here for a cuddle.
All right.
Ooh.
- Dave.
- What? Have you farted? (Laughs) One-nil.
# So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # Half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #