The Santa Clauses (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

[Scott] Oh, God. This can't be good.
Bernard.
-Did you miss me?
-What are you doing here?
What's with all the theatrics?
And why do you look like an old man
with pointy ears?
It's-- I gotta be honest,
a little unsettling.
I've been alive for 1,600 years.
What's your excuse?
You ever heard of moisturizer?
Listen, I haven't seen you
since you disappeared
from the North Pole
to that Elf Rumspringa.
-Kribble-Krabble.
-Yeah, whatever. You never came back.
Well, I met someone. A human.
So I made the jump
and gave up eternal youth as an elf.
And now I've got this thing,
and it won't go away
no matter how many burpees I do.
But, sadly,
I'm not here for giggles and stuffing.
Brace yourself.
I know. Simon is ruining Christmas.
So, if you know that, why aren't you
at the North Pole kicking some Santa butt?
Because it's not my job.
You know, I screwed up at first.
And second and third.
Simon will figure this out.
You know, this is so you.
You know, being stubborn.
No, no. This is so you.
Showing up at my house uninvited
and freezing my family,
which is a new one.
How did you-- How did you do that?
My nifty little clicker.
Works on sea lions too.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
-[clicker beeps]
-Mmm-- Oh!
-Whoa. What just happened?
-[chuckles]
Something happen?
Oh! Bernard! Oh, my goodness!
I'm so happy to see you!
Carol. It's so great to see you.
You look great.
-[clicker beeps]
-[Scott groans]
I would not wanna be you
when she unfreezes.
And I would not wanna be you
when the word gets out
that you refused to save Christmas!
[stammers] I didn't refuse.
Listen, I retired.
Yeah, theoretically, so did I.
But when La Befana came to me,
did I quibble-quabble
about leaving Kribble-Krabble?
No! So Santa up!
It was an accident anyway.
Somebody slid off the roof and boom!
There I was.
Of course you'd think that.
-That's what happened!
-Come on.
-I need that clicker.
-No, no. Change of plan.
Scott, I need to show you something.
-[choir harmonizing]
-[theme playing]
[grunts]
[harmonizing continues]
["Jingle Bells" plays]
Wow. What happened to all the color?
Your little magic clicker,
you couldn't afford sepia?
[Bernard]
You're aggravating my hiatal hernia.
[Scott] Okay, Bernard. [chuckles]
You got my attention.
I wandered into the History Channel.
-[shushes] He's coming.
-Who's coming?
Oh… [chuckles] …Bernard!
Oh, it's good to see you.
Uh, I hope you don't mind.
I brought a cranky plus-one.
Scott Calvin.
Aren't you a sight for immortal eyes?
He's been throwing a little pity party
for himself.
Thinks everything in his life is random.
Oh. The Santa-blues.
Yes, occupational hazard.
And, I'm sorry-- [stammers]
-Who might you be?
-You could call me Santa,
but it gets a little confusing
because there are a lot of us.
I was the 17th Santa,
so most just call me 17.
And this is the Great Depression,
which happened during my reign.
So this is where you get to hang out.
Hey, good time.
It wasn't easy, but we made do.
-We handed out oranges and socks.
-[gasps]
[chuckles]
Yeah, my grandparents used to tell us
that story to make us feel ungrateful.
That's what this is about, huh?
Make me feel guilty,
so I'll go back and do my job.
No, no, no. Being Santa is not a job.
You chose the wrong replacement
because you weren't supposed
to step down yet.
Okay, well, how was I supposed to know?
You were supposed to feel it. Here.
That's acid reflux.
He deflects a lot.
I think we all know
that I screwed up, right?
Which means I'm not the guy to fix this.
You know, I'm gonna go back to my world
where it's in full color,
but I am gonna get a tuberculosis test,
just in case.
They probably got a quick thing
at the pharmacy.
What is this now?
Feliz Natal!
[Scott] Holy Santa.
-Papai Noel. Uh, I have so many questions…
-[bell tolling]
Merry Christmas, kids.
Boy. Where is the mule smell
coming from? Because…
[growls]
Krampus!
Listen, how do I get back to Chicago?
[sighs] The door.
Okay, great.
Taking kids' toys… always good.
I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.
Oh. You troublemakers again.
-Is this, like, "Santasia"?
-No, it doesn't have a name.
-"Kringleville."
-No.
-The "Yule-verse."
-Stop trying to name it.
You don't remember me, do you?
[imitates screaming]
You're the Santa that fell off my roof.
-[chuckles]
-You here to sue me or something?
That night on your roof
was not the first time we met.
Jolly Old Saint Nicholas ♪
[Scott] Oh.
Lean your ear this way ♪
Wow. This is the house I grew up in.
This is me right here.
-[gasps]
-[groans]
[laughs]
I knew it! You are real!
[Santa 17] Ho ho ho.
Scotty Calvin. The boy with the long list.
You know, Santa doesn't bring you
everything you want.
The bike isn't for me. It's for Jimmy.
And the doll is for Angela,
the rosary for Sister Mary,
and the slow cooker for my parents.
I thought if I got them what they needed,
they'd believe, like I do.
Why did you believe in me
when you had never seen me before?
I felt it in here.
Like a little whisper.
Most people forget the magic of Christmas
and how it makes them feel
like anything is possible.
So, I'll forget? Like my parents?
Adults have a harder time believing
in things they can't see.
But one day, I think that you are going
to make this world a much better place.
I don't remember any of this.
Well, you know how it goes.
You dusted me? I was a little boy.
This is probably why I'm horrible at math.
Why didn't you tell me about this?
Believing is seeing.
[Scott] Whoa!
Okay. Where are we now?
What is this, like, the clubhouse
for the Yule-verse?
Stop calling it that.
Oh, look at that! Saint Nicholas of Myra.
I don't think it looks much like me,
but what are you going to do?
-Bernard. Now what's this?
-Just pay attention.
It was never about gifts.
It was about giving!
Saint Nicholas, his parents died.
He became quite wealthy,
and then gave all his money away
-to help those in need--
-I thought I was telling my story.
[all laugh]
Anyway, life was hard during that time.
Parents couldn't always shield the
children from the horrors of the world,
so I found ways to give back
with food, candy.
Small joys.
Life's kindling.
You gave them what they needed.
Hope.
If you'll excuse me,
I've actually got some rounds to finish.
Oh, you're leaving already?
[Saint Nicholas]
I've never really been gone, Scott.
I live through you.
[echoing]
Remember, it's all about the giving.
[echoing] The giving.
Wow.
Hey, no big deal.
I was just with Saint Nicholas,
then he disappeared in a puff of smoke
like at an Elton John concert.
[chuckles] Oh, yes. He is very impressive.
His undertaking injected true magic
into the world.
And from that magic emanated
the world of Claus and elves,
-ethereal beings…
-Wow.
…who carried on the mission.
Ethereal?
-I wondered about that. Am I ethereal?
-Nope.
You are a regular human man
with many, many faults.
Each Santa was chosen
to meet the challenges of their times.
Now, during my final years… [sighs]
…technology was becoming the new magic.
I thought only a human
could meet the new challenges.
A special human.
The clauses were created to guide you.
The Santa Clause,
the Mrs. Clause, all of 'em.
If I'd known at the time, I would've
put in the, uh, Less Talking Clause.
Wait a minute.
I'm here because of an accident.
I saw you slip off the roof. You fell.
[chuckles] You think someone yelling,
"Hey," really made me slip and fall?
[laughs] I'm Santa, baby!
[laughs] I have been on millions of roofs.
[laughs]
No Santa's gonna slip off of a roof.
-[Santa 17 laughs]
-That would be horrible.
But that-- Wait a minute,
am I the first human Santa?
I thought a human Santa
could raise his family in the North Pole,
and perhaps those kids
would inherit the magic of the North,
making the passing of the torch
less up to the whims of a bunch
of pompous ethereals.
My kids don't have any magic powers.
You sure about that?
[door opens]
Jolly Old Saint Nicholas ♪
Did you show him?
Show him what?
[Bernard] I've got a plan here, Papai.
Thank you.
Give him a moment
to take in the whole Yule-verse.
Ah! Damn it, now he's got me saying it.
-[Krampus growls]
-[Santas murmuring]
[blows]
Show the North Pole.
Betty, breaks my heart seeing you
making toys like a common elf.
No elves are common, Pontoon.
[chuckles] It's fine.
Look, I even made a nice truck.
[clattering]
[Simon] Hey, what's with the lame toys?
Cody Pugh asked for a truck.
[Simon] Cody Pugh.
He doesn't have a NowAccount with us.
I know. He sent a Christmas list
through the mail.
The mail? Was he writing from 1987?
We still have to get
the Christmas orders out.
As in, like, chimney drops and "ho ho ho"?
No, no, no. That doesn't quadrate
with our vision anymore.
-But what--
-No, there's no buts, okay?
I'm Santa. What I say goes.
This isn't Christmas, Betty.
You can't think like that, Pontoon.
If you lose your hope, you'll disappear.
You can be as sad as you want
if you wear one of these bad boys.
[whooshing]
The elves are disappearing.
Why didn't you lead with that?
Don't you see?
Everything is connected
to Christmas spirit,
going all the way back
to Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
The job was getting difficult.
I assumed it was me.
The job has always been difficult.
I delivered gifts during drought,
colonization.
-Try the Dark Ages.
-[Santa 17 scoffs]
Big deal. I had the Great Depression,
World War II, Vietnam,
and the Star Wars Holiday Special.
[all groaning]
-I'm such an idiot.
-Now we're getting somewhere.
I gotta go back to the North Pole.
Finally. We were starting
to regret giving a human all this power.
Yeah, humans always disappoint.
Might I-- Might-- Can I just--
Can I say something?
No, no, no, because it's gonna be mean.
It's gonna be mean.
-None of you were a picnic, okay?
-[sighs]
You all thought you knew the best way
to run things, and you didn't.
And the elves always picked up your slack.
Now, I was against this whole Scott
experiment from the very beginning.
I told you this is gonna be mean.
Entrusting the fate of magic
to human hands? [chuckles]
Honestly, that sounded like
the end of the world to me.
-Like totally apocalyptic.
-Ooh. Is there an end to this?
Year after year, I kept expecting
Scott Calvin to flame out.
-To give up. But he always kept going.
-Mmm.
That kid that wanted
to get people what they needed,
so that they could believe.
Now, you may all have picked him
for the job,
but Scott chose to be Santa.
The best Santa I ever saw.
-Now, I haven't been around lately…
-[sniffles]
…because, uh,
well, I got married, to a human.
-Yeah, look at that.
-[Santas murmuring]
That's Vanessa Redgrave. She's, like, 85.
We're several hundred years apart,
but we still find things to talk about.
-Now, that's a good couple.
-Congrats.
-[rumbling]
-[clamoring]
All right. [stammers] Time's running out.
That thing's gonna get you back
to the North Pole.
-Right. I gotta stop by my house first.
-I know. Go out the way you came.
Listen, you're irritating as usual.
I didn't enjoy a single second
of this either, sir.
[Scott] Come on. Anyway.
Can't believe you got married
to an Oscar winner.
Tell her I said "hi." I gotta go.
Well, I gotta run.
Hey. Good, good. Gotta go.
Hey, Krampus.
You doing something new with the horns?
[grunts] Thanks for noticing.
[Carol] Oh. Wait. Scott?
-[Scott sighs]
-What's going on? Where's Bernard?
Uh, about that.
You won't believe where I gotta go.
It brings me no pleasure to report
that if Christmas spirit dips any further,
then the delivery system
might stop working altogether.
You said you could run this with science.
I said I can run it with mainly science
and a little bit of magic.
[buttons click]
So make more.
[sighs] I can't just make magic.
People would need to believe in magic.
In Christmas.
I'm surprised the system is still working!
[sighs]
There must be some magic source
from within the North Pole. I just--
I just can't figure out where it is.
["Jingle Bells" playing]
[Simon] Oh, wow.
[Grace] I was decorating for Mom.
Christmas was always her favorite time.
She once told me that she wished
she could bottle that Christmas feeling
so she could use it
on those other days that get you down.
-Christmas Every Day!
-Yes! That's right.
Gosh, I wish she could see all of this
coming true.
She sees us, Dad. She knows.
Christmas decorations.
I know it's July. I just needed it.
I mean, they're perfect.
How are you feeling?
Tired, sad, mad, happy…
thankful. You name it.
You know, your little girl tried so hard
to stay up for you.
I'm sorry.
Promise me, here,
that you will give Grace the best life.
Oh, come on. I'm gonna give her the world.
[Grace] Hey, Dad.
If Christmas Every Day is
supposed to make people happy,
why is everyone around here so sad?
Oh, they're not-- No, they're not sad.
Uh, it's just that change,
even good change, can be hard at first.
But things will be better
than they were before. You'll see.
Hey, how about a little marshmallow?
-Oh, no, no, no.
-[groans, spits]
They don't have
the marshmallow ones anymore.
[grunts]
[Scott] So, long story short,
I retired too soon. I hired the wrong guy.
I've gotta go back to the North Pole.
But we were finally gonna have
Christmas together.
We will do it next year.
I promise. I promise.
But we have a life now.
And the kids love it here
and I finally have a name.
And it-- And it's Principal Carol!
I love it here too,
but as I told you guys,
I spent some time in this realm,
the Yule-verse.
-No, that's a-- [chuckles]
-Huh?
That's a terrible name.
-The Yule-verse. Say it. It's beautiful.
-[Sandra] No.
[Carol] Yule--
No, it's even worse the second time.
It should be something like SantaLand.
Or like-- Oh, oh, Sant-lanta.
-Uh-huh.
-Oh, so, what about "Claus-mopolis"?
-[Carol] Oh, yeah!
-I like that, but "Chris-Mesopotamia."
-Oh, yeah! Now, that's good.
-That's excellent.
That's not excellent.
There's too many syllables--
We're off subject. The subject is,
Simon is destroying Christmas spirit.
I have felt something was off,
but I thought it was just my acid reflux.
It's weird. I've been feeling
the same thing. You know what else?
The Santas in the Yule-verse, ah, told me,
since you kids were born
at the North Pole,
you may have magic powers.
Us?
[all laughing]
[Scott] That was their hope
with the first and only human family
from the North Pole.
Okay, no. Back up.
Wha-- You left that part out.
All the clauses,
all of them were created for us.
So, I was the first Mrs. Claus?
I didn't ask.
Of course you didn't.
So what you're saying is that
we were the first human family
at the North Pole.
That we were specifically chosen
for this time.
Well, that changes everything.
We have to go back.
No, that's not-- Listen.
It's too dangerous.
Elves are disappearing. I can't have you--
Elves are disappearing?
You should have led with that!
No. We're part of this. We're going.
All right. Let me think about this.
Um, go get some stuff together.
I will think of a plan down here.
-You're right. Yeah. Okay.
-Cool. Okay.
-[Sandra] What are we gonna get?
-[Cal] We'll be right back.
[Noel] Who wants ice cream?
I didn't eat any.
Some of the cartons
just come already licked clean.
[shushes] Come here. Listen.
-I don't want the family to hear this.
-Okay.
Going to the North Pole.
We're gonna stop Simon.
Now we're talking.
Home. It's so quiet.
Where are the reindeer?
I don't know,
but they left a little gift for me.
-Nice landing spot, Orb.
-[sloshing]
[both laugh]
Listen. We gotta round up
everybody who's still here
and go set Simon straight, okay?
Don't be mad,
but I kinda need to find Betty first.
I've realized she's the most important one
in my life.
It's been a little weird
it's been me for so long.
All right. I'll meet you later.
[Carol] I'll grab a couple snacks
from the kitchen!
-Are you guys gonna be warm enough?
-[Cal] I'm good. I'm good. Thank you.
Where's-- Where's Dad?
[Cal] Huh? Where is he?
[Sandra] Uh, I-- I think he left us.
I'm gonna kill him.
-Oh, well, no, Mom, you can't kill Santa…
-[knocking]
…'cause then you'd become Santa,
and how would that work?
-Hi.
-Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, Riley. [chuckles]
-I am so excited about game night.
-[Cal] Hey.
Although, I do hope
that we're not playing Flip the Sheep.
That game led to my parents' divorce.
Oh, no. I'm sorry, something's come up.
I'm not sure we can do game night.
Oh. No bigs.
-[chuckles]
-[Carol] Wonderful.
Oh, my gosh, Sandy, cute shirt!
Where is that from?
-Uh…
-[typing]
Found it, ordered it,
should be here any second.
What? Uh, how?
Well, it's Christmas Every Day
with EverythingNow!
With a NowAccount, you just press
Insta-Deliv and bam. Immediate delivery.
-[cell phone dings]
-[chuckles] Oh! It's here.
-[drone whirring]
-[sighs]
Thanks, drone.
-I'm gonna go try this on.
-[Sandra] Sure. Go ahead.
She's gonna look amazing in that.
Christmas Every Day?
This is how
he's destroying Christmas spirit.
And where did all these drones come from?
And how did they get here so quickly?
Oh, through the hole in the sky.
-Hole? There's--
-What?
-There's nothing there.
-[Carol] Uh-uh.
I'm telling you, there's a ripple
in the sky, like a vortex.
All the drones are coming from there.
Okay.
He can see what Dad sees.
[chuckles] Okay. We need to get back
to the North Pole to help your dad.
If only we could get back
through that vortex.
Um, well, I have an idea,
but you may think I'm crazy.
Oh, sweetheart.
Crazy lost all meaning a long time ago.
Betty? Doc? Hazel?
Pudding?
Goose?
Bob?
Crumpet!
Noodle? Percy?
Peppermint?
Nougat?
Beans?
Churro?
["Jingle Bells" playing on harp]
[door creaks]
That's really pretty, Grace.
Thank you.
It's getting so quiet around here.
Is it true the elves are disappearing?
Yes.
Will they come back?
Elves were born
of Christmas spirit itself.
And it's not as strong as it used to be.
They could be gone forever.
I wanna help. I miss Edie.
[sighs] You just have to believe.
Believe with all your heart in the spirit
of Christmas and all that is good.
That's the secret.
I believe, Betty.
And I'll tell my dad too.
He'll definitely wanna help.
I'm sure he will.
I should get back to work.
[door creaks, closes]
-["Jingle Bells" continues on harp]
-[sighing]
[grunts]
[rustling]
[whooshing]
[Noel] Betty?
Betty?
Honeybuns?
So I have to go away for a while,
and I can't tell you where,
and I'm not sure when I'll be back.
Wow. [chuckles]
You're just like all the other guys.
I promise you I'm not,
but I can't really get into this--
Wait, what other guys?
Just tell me the truth. Whatever it is.
You owe that to me.
Okay. Okay. Um…
[sighs] My dad is, or was,
but might be again, Santa Claus.
And me and my family have to go back
to the North Pole to save Christmas.
-Goodbye.
-Wait. [sighs]
Listen, I understand
if you never want to talk to me again,
but please just do me
this one favor, okay?
Stay up on Christmas Eve,
and if me and my family make it
through all this,
Santa will come down your chimney,
and then you'll see it's really my dad.
I don't believe in Santa,
so why would he come down my chimney?
To give your little brother
the Loki Funko Pop he wants.
How do you know that's what he wants?
I don't know. I just-- I just do.
Stop! Invader!
Calm down. Calm down.
Gary, it's me. Look at me.
Listen to my voice.
You look terrible.
I know. I know.
Listen, Christmas is in trouble.
I know you pledged your loyalty to Simon,
but I need your help.
That nitwit? [chuckles] Hardly.
Excellent. Excellent. All right.
We're gonna need the old crew
off the toy line.
I'm the only one left, chief.
Okay, well--
I told 'em all to wear these foil caps
so they don't disappear.
They laughed at me,
but here I am, at your service.
I'm really happy you're on board.
I need your help.
You know me.
I'll do anything to help you
and save Christmas.
All right, good. Let's go.
[stammers] Now?
I'm sort of on my cocoa break.
Hey, Gary, put the cocoa down.
[slurps]
Butter, what if I told you
that you could fly like Santa's reindeer?
[Butter nickers] No.
All animals can fly.
They just gotta believe that they can.
-[Butter whinnies]
-She can't be serious.
Oh, Cal, don't be a naysayer.
I'm not. The horse is.
She's gonna get us killed.
I cannot die before my first kiss.
-Oh. I-- I believe in Sandra.
-[Butter whinnies]
I believe in you both.
Oh, those are real nice last words, Mom.
[Scott] We gotta find Simon
and talk some sense into him.
[Gary] He's not the same Simon you knew.
Apparently not. Dude needs a decorator.
What is this?
Can't be that bad of a guy.
He's got this beautiful little tree.
Tinsel's a little off.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey! Hey! Hey!
-I was gonna say, "Don't touch that."
And yet, you didn't.
-[drone] Intruder! Intruder!
-[alarm beeping]
Oh, yeah.
Forgot to tell you about these clodpolls.
Don't shoot. We're unarmed.
[whispers]
I can't believe I fell for the Santa trap.
[whispers] Me either. Especially because,
technically, you're not Santa anymore.
I wonder if the elves actually disappeared
or they just ran away from you.
-Okay. Ready?
-[Carol sighs]
To die? Why not?
Yes, sweetheart.
I was talking to the horse.
[nickers] This seems like a horrible idea.
I gave Butter a pep talk,
but he doesn't seem to be buying it.
Oh, what's not to buy?
A plain old horse flying us through a hole
in space that only Cal can see.
The same Cal who flunked his driving test
because he couldn't see
the dozen orange cones.
[giggles] Let's go!
Come on, Butter. You can do this.
Hi-yah!
Okay, Sandra's clearly better
at driving a sleigh than me,
but maybe we should've taken
two seconds to come up with a plan B?
[shushes] She's doing great.
You're doing great, sweetie.
Oh, good Lord.
Is the cell really necessary, Simon?
I came back to save Christmas.
Once we do that,
maybe you and I can sit down.
I can give you a few pointers
on Santa etiquette.
Listen, the world doesn't need
your old-school version of Santa anymore.
But people need to believe,
and the Christmas spirit is dying.
How can the Christmas spirit be dying
if it's Christmas Every Day?
Well, there's a thinker!
-Fence! Fence, fence, fence, fence!
-[Sandra] Oh. All right.
Butter-- Butter, let's fly! Come on!
Come on! Now! Now! Butter!
Butter! I treasure you!
-[Sandra screams, whoops]
-[Butter whinnies]
[screaming, whooping]
Yes!
You did it! You did it! You did it!
You did it! I knew it.
-[Sandra] Cal, uh, where's the opening?
-[Carol sighs]
-Cal!
-[Butter whinnies] Cal! Open your eyes!
-Oh! Oh, man. This is happening.
-Right.
-Yep.
-Okay.
-You gotta go higher. Higher.
-All right.
To the right. And higher. Straight.
Higher. Higher! Too high. Too high!
There. There.
-Guys, this is too dangerous. Turn around!
-[Sandra] What?
I can't! It's pulling us in!
It's pulling us in!
[all screaming]
[drone] Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
What now?
Think we're running out of time. Look.
[Simon] Hey, where'd you get that?
No, wait, hold on. Hold on. Whoa.
[door opens]
You know,
that orb could've gotten us out of here.
-[door closes]
-I know.
So, what are you in for?