The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s01e05 Episode Script

Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and these are some of my friends.
These are my neighbours, Brian and Steve.
They're gigantic, orange and gay.
That's my sister, Laura.
She's adorable.
Like if a puppy made love to a swan and crapped out a woman, that would be Laura.
This is Jay and as you can see from his moustache, he's a dick.
This is a turtle with a piece of Swiss cheese on its head.
Some people call me on the phone.
My parents are dead.
I like cookies.
Don't! Stop it! The Sarah Silverman Program may not be suitable for sensitive viewers.
If you are such a viewer, now might be the time to go make yourself a nice BM.
I was supposed to meet my friends for brunch.
- Well, I'm finished.
- Thank you.
If you want, I can hook you up with movie channels.
I'm not paying extra for some stupid movie channels.
Okay, well, how about this? How about I give you the movie channels for free, for a kiss.
What, is that a challenge? Fine, go.
I just You know what? The movie channels are on me.
Awesome.
Now I can watch Soul Plane 800 times.
Yeah, so my partner got suspended 'cause this Hispanic kid pulls a gun on him.
Paul opens fire.
Turns out it's a pellet gun.
It looked really real, though.
There should be a law that says those things have to come in bright colours.
Laura.
They're human beings.
Iced coffee and TaB.
That's not what I ordered.
- Great.
- Just drink the TaB.
- No, I don't like TaB.
- Have you ever tried it? - No.
- But you know you don't like it.
- I know I didn't order it.
- And God forbid the universe defy you with an opportunity to experience something new.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
That's really good.
Anyway, I have a temporary partner.
She should be here in a few minutes.
- She? Should I be jealous? - Negative.
She's a dyke.
Really, racist? Well, guess who else is? Your girlfriend.
And me and Albert Einstein and Woody Allen.
I said dyke.
This is the greatest soda I've ever had in my life.
Enough.
Tig, Tig, hi! This is my girlfriend Laura.
This is Steve, and this is Brian.
Sarah.
- How's it going? - Good.
Good.
So, Tig, tell us about yourself.
Pour us a piping hot cup of Tig.
Well, I'm a lesbian.
Which is fine, you know, 'cause nobody cares.
What is a lesbian? What is anything? Like, what's a unicorn? It's a horse with a horn on its head that's magic.
You know, a lesbian is just a woman with a horn on her head that's magic.
That's exactly what I was gonna say.
Magic and funny.
Chester, can I get another TaB? In your largest glass, please.
- Jesus, dude.
- What? Well, it looks kind of like we should be getting going.
You know, crime doesn't break for breakfast.
Although statistically, it does wake up later.
- Nice to meet everyone.
- Lez keep in touch.
I'm kidding.
It's 'cause I'm so comfortable with it.
Tig.
Do you know how many lesbians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No.
- She should know that.
- Yeah.
I think it's three.
Orange juice And we're back with the surprise we've been talking about all day.
How many of you are stressed out? You are being so mature right now.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Poop.
Oprah's a rerun.
Tig, could you pass me the remote? I mean, Steve.
Well, that was kind of weird.
Probably just a little tired.
Man, I'm so jonesing for the T-A-B right now.
All right.
I get it.
I shouldn't have asked you to try something new.
- You can quit punishing me now.
- Why would I punish you, Steve, when it's you that released me from a TaB free prison of my own design and led me to the discovery of my new favourite beverage, TaB? Will you guys be quiet? I'm trying to watch Tig's vagina.
I mean, TV.
TV, Tig's vagina, it's the same initials.
So, it's a funny way I remember.
Okay, that was bizarre.
I keep thinking about Tig.
Why am I thinking about her? I mean, I like men.
I've always had good relationships with men.
- I met Larry Bird once.
- I know, Daddy.
Well, you don't act like you do! - Can I get your cell number? - I don't have a cell phone.
And just before he died, he says, "I'm not gonna call it heaven, Jeff, "not until you are there with me.
" Baby.
Your tears smell like eggs.
Maybe I haven't had the easiest time with men.
All I wanted you to do was have a sip and see if you liked it.
And all I wanted to do was not have that sip, Steve.
But you persevered and I had that sip, and thank TaB I did because my previous life was just a dream, but now I'm awake.
You know what, Brian? I'm so happy for you and TaB, and I'm gonna support you, and I'm gonna support your passion for TaB until the very day you decide that this can stop.
Well, don't count on that day ever coming, Steve.
I'm a lesbian.
What? You're not a lesbian.
Really? Well, then how do you explain this? Wow, it looks like things are really heating up around here.
The Sarah Silverman Program will be back after these messages.
Here's the arrest report.
Hey there, stranger.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
What are you doing here? I'm gonna report a crime.
- You're kidding.
What happened? - Someone stole my heart.
You did.
You stole my heart.
- That's funny.
- You're funny.
- I'm confused.
- You're confused.
- You're right.
- I'm right.
Right about to tell you some pretty cool news.
Guess who's a lesbian? This girl.
When did this happen? I like to think it started in the womb, but if you're asking when I came out of the closet, it was shortly after meeting yourself.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- I don't know.
- You don't know what? Whether to go to your place or mine? I'm totally ready to lez out.
Sarah, if I thought you were being serious, that'd be one thing, but you just don't strike me as gay.
You strike me as a dabbler.
I'm a full blooded dyke, and I say dyke because I'm, like, taking the word back from the man.
Baby, I'm in it to win it.
When I say "it," I mean tit.
And when I say "tit," I mean your tit.
You better watch it.
You're getting yourself in way over your head.
That's funny 'cause that's where your ankles are gonna be.
I have work to do.
So do I.
So do I.
Watch it.
- Is this all you have? - Yeah.
I think.
That's too bad.
It's his favourite.
Yeah, you don't, like, sell a machine that makes TaB, do you? - No.
- Wouldn't that be great? Then I would drink it all day.
You know, it's funny.
I'd never even tried the stuff before this morning.
I know, I totally pushed it on him.
I was a huge dick about it.
Well, in his defence, it is such an important thing.
I mean, here is this brand of soda I never tried before.
You know, and I was about to go my whole life without ever trying it.
Which is insane, right? But then I tried it, and now I know it's the greatest thing ever, and I'm gonna drink it and talk about it forever.
And I'm gonna be right there alongside him, helping him, because I love him.
Cool.
Hi.
Can I borrow some lesbian-looking clothes? Have you ever even kissed a girl? Tig asked me the same thing.
That's so funny.
Isn't she amazing? She looks like a tiny Bruce Jenner.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
I just don't think you're a lesbian.
Well, as a lesbian, I resent your laughter.
And all laughter.
All right, I believe you.
You're a lesbian.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
This shirt is so gay.
May I? Halliburton, Dick Cheney I think we've all lost our brainy Wake up, America This is your wake-up call Wake up in your huddled masses Wake up on your hot pink asses Wake up with your Microsoft-coloured glasses and your Game Boy classes Wake up Will you accept the charges? Peace.
- All right.
- All right.
Thanks.
Nice job.
That was the poetry of Chris Paterson, also known as our dessert chef.
He bakes pies and exposes lies.
Okay, now we have a newcomer here to Romanski's open mic.
Please give a big hand for the musical stylings of Sarah Silverman.
This is a song for a real special girl I met.
I wanna harvest our eggs for a while Make love to you scissor style And make a whole new world With you With you, my friend My partner in crime We've done our time on Maple Drive I love your outfit.
Well, I thought about it and I read about it Yeah, yours is great, too.
Thanks.
Come outside with me for a sec.
I've got a surprise.
But it was really fun Excuse us.
Incoming.
Coming through.
Skating's fun Whether you're gay or straight or black or white or Asian But just those five Just those five kinds of people Is that our car? Yeah.
It's ready for our big trip to Chattanooga, Tennessee, home of the original TaB bottling plant.
We'll be able to see TaB actually get made, and they'll answer all of our questions.
I took care of all the arrangements myself.
I even called your boss and told him you needed the week off.
- What? - Yeah, we'll have to make some sacrifices for a while, but they're paying us 100 bucks a month for advertising, so every little bit counts.
What do you think? I think you read my mind, buddy.
- Really? - Yeah.
But why just a week? I say we quit our jobs, move to Chattanooga and just work at the bottling plant.
That sounds like a great idea.
I was inspired by you, buddy.
I was inspired by you.
Well, I went to see the doctor of philosophy And he said, "Man, what are you doing here, you lesbo?" And I said, "Hey, man "You call me just what you like 'cause I'm me "And she's she "And we're us" Sarah Silverman.
Sarah Silverman, everybody.
Now, before we bring on the next poet, I'm gonna do a couple of mine.
Hey.
You got my message.
I'm psyched you came.
So am I.
You sounded great up there.
I really loved your sound.
I guess I had you pegged all wrong.
- Who's this? - That's my friend, Joyce.
- What kind of friend? - The good kind.
This next one is called, "The Beach is Big.
" "The beach is big "Where's our blanket? Where's our blanket? "A thousand faces, a sea of faces Where's our blanket? "Where's our blanket? There it is" Thank you.
Well, let me ask you something, Joyce.
What do you think you can give Tig that I can't give her, Joyce? I'm sorry.
Is there something I don't get here? There is so much you don't get here.
You have to actually be a real lesbian to get it.
Really? Because I've been openly gay since I was 14.
Really? Maybe you should tell your face? Right, I mean, I've heard of lipstick lesbians, but she's, like, a lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, microdermabrasion, pore-refining, blush Sarah, you're being ridiculous.
No, you're being ridiculous.
You're being ridiculous! Okay, you know what? We're leaving.
Now you're a "we"? How brave.
Bravo! What is happening to you? You see this? Ignore it.
You're nuts.
You're nuts! You're nuts about me, Tiggles.
You're mine! I'm in your head! Why are you being such a fickle pickle? Yeah, that's right.
Stare at the lesbian! Enjoy the show! I'm sorry, but there's no smoking allowed here.
Go tie your balls in a knot, breeder.
My heart is broken.
I'm sure we'll be back to visit.
Right, you guys are moving.
I was talking about Tig.
Right.
I forgot you became gay today.
You want a TaB? No, thank you.
You guys are so lucky you have the relationship you do.
You're always there for each other.
Like when Brian decided that he liked TaB, Steve, you made this whole TaB world for him.
It's just a world I'll never have.
- Sure you will.
- Not with Tig.
Not with Tig.
- Maybe we should make some tea.
- Tea? Yeah.
Tea sounds pretty good right now.
Yeah.
Door! - Tig.
- Jay told me I could find you here.
I didn't think I was ever gonna see you again.
Yeah, neither did I.
But I've always been the kind of person that runs from anything real or pursues what I can't have, and when you laid yourself out like that today, I realised I don't want to be that kind of person any more.
I don't want to be that weird, lonely person whose only healthy relationship is with a dog.
- So, here I am, laying myself out.
- Wow.
- Sorry I was being sarcastic.
- I'm sorry I pushed you there.
You know, I actually like TaB, but nothing tastes as good as a beverage of my own choosing.
Yeah, I completely understand.
I guess we both got carried away.
It's none of my business whether you try a new drink or not.
- All I care about is that you're happy.
- I'm happy.
- I'm so gay for you, dude.
- Ditto.
Now that I've stopped running, I guess I guess you've caught me.
Goodbye, Sarah.
Enjoy spending your life alone.
Tig! You enjoy spending your life alone.
I don't know where to start with this one, Doug.
I mean, I failed at heterosexuality.
I failed at homosexuality.
I guess I just have to stop thinking that the right person is just gonna come along, you know.
I have to be the right person.
I have to come along.
I'm a me-mo-sexual.
Anyway, good night, Dougie.
I hope you die in your sleep tonight.
I'm just kidding.
But if it had to be one of us, I hope it's you.
But it was really fun For any kind of person Skating's fun Whether you're gay or straight or black or white or Asian But just those five Just those five kinds of people Your hair blows in the wind of my mind