The Simpsons s01e05 Episode Script

Do I smell cupcakes? - Ooh! Do I ever! -Uh-uh, Homer.
Lisa's making these for her teacher.
Ah.
Say no more.
- Yum! Don't mind if l do.
- Bart! Oh, man! Keep your greasy mitts outta there.
- These are for Lisa's class.
- It's Mrs.
Hoover's birthday.
- you know, there are names for people like you.
- No, there aren't.
- Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser-- - Bart! - You're saying "buttkisser" like it's a bad thing.
- Huh? Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad.
I like my teacher.
Sure, Lis.
You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake here, a good grade there.
Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
Yeah, right, Lisa.
It's the three roads to success, Bart: Work, brains and hmm-- Oh, brother.
- Uh-oh, school bus.
Gotta go.
Heh-heh-heh.
Doh! - Yo, Ottoman! - Yo, Bart dude! Hey, can you believe it, man? My sister here made a whole pile up cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb.
That's bad news, man.
Here, Otto.
I made an extra one for you.
- Oh, thanks, little lady.
- You're welcome.
Whoa! - Better let me hold these, Lis.
- Forget it.
- you sniveling toad! you little egg sucker! - Tell me more.
Back-scratcher.
Foot-licker.
Honor student! You'll never get one now, Mr.
Name-caller.
All right, all right.
Look, I'm sorry.
I-I got upset.
In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
- you weren't thinking, were you? -No.
-I'm not a sniveling toad, am I? -Not really.
I'm not a little egg sucker, am I? - Of course not.
- Then what am I? - A beautiful human being.
- What do you like best about me? Well, I'd have to say your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
Well-- Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise.
Ahh! Thanks, Lis.
You're the best.
- Look, Janey.
Cupcakes.
- Ah, give me that! Hey, give those back! - Hey, what's the big idea? That's my sister, man.
- So what? So give her back those cupcakes before I knock your block off.
Don't, Bart! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz! Ooh! Ooh! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Wha-- Nelson, you're bleeding.
Nah, happens all the time.
Somebody else's blood splatters on me.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're right.
You made me bleed my own blood! It was an accident, man.
A terrible, ghastly mistake.
Ask anybody.
Uh-oh.
A cold wind.
Hello, kids.
Everything above the board here? Good.
Play friendly, children.
- Uh-oh, there's your bell.
Come along, now, all of you.
No dawdling, now.
- I'll get you after school, man.
- But-- No, no, no.
He'll get you after school, son.
- Now hurry up.
It's time for class.
- But-- Scoot, young Simpson.
There's learning afoot.
Okay, Nelson, put up your dukes! Whaa! Yikes! Uh-uh-uh! Ha, ha, ha! - Ha, ha, ha! - Oh.
Aah! - Uh-oh.
Stop! - Mmm! Lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! - Lunchtime! - Aah! Lunchtime, Bart.
It's lunchtime.
I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.
You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart.
I can't squeal.
It would violate the code of the schoolyard.
Hey, everybody! Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer! - Yeah! - You're our hero, Bart! Look, everybody.
I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero.
I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.
Look out! Nelson, it was all a mistake.
This is how it happened, man.
Listen up.
You may get a kick out of it.
My sister was making cupcakes this morning and-- I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15.
And you better be prompt.
He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.
Good-bye, little dude.
- He looks so lifelike, man.
- Yes.
The school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight.
Good-bye, son.
I guess you were right.
All that homework was a waste of your time.
Thanks, Bart.
We got the day off from school for this.
- Yeah, and I got the day off from work.
- Homer! Who wants a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again? Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart! That's better, Homer.
Be brave.
Bye-bye, Bart.
You were always my special little guy.
Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted.
I can't help but think if l had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided.
I know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead.
Hey, look.
They got food at this thing.
Here's one for the road, dude.
- Aah! - Put 'em up.
Oh! Boy, you sure taught me a lesson.
Whoo.
Thanks, guys.
I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake.
Right, guys? I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson.
Is 3:15 good for you? Uh, not really.
Too bad.
Oh, no.
Oh, man, that guy's tough to love.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
- Tough day at school, boy? - Bart, what happened to you? Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister.
So, you had a little scuffle, eh? Heh-heh.
Hope you won.
I'm gonna miss you, big guy.
Bart, your mother has the fool idea that you're upset about something.
Dad, I need help.
Please.
Oh.
Now come on, Bart.
We don't want your mother to see you crying.
- Here.
- Oh, man.
Let me help you dy those tears.
So what's the problem, son? - I had a run-in with a bully.
- A bully? Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa.
Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
I guess I could do that.
What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart died.
What on earth are you talking about, Homer? The code of the schoolyard, Marge.
The rules that teach a boy to be a man.
Let's see.
Don't tattle.
Always make fun of those different from you.
Never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
- What else? - Homer, that's ridiculous.
Bart, instead of fighting, why don't you try a little understanding? - What do you mean, Mom? - Yeah, right.
- This oughta be good for a laugh.
- Shh! This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side? - Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
- Mm-hmm.
And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
No, he's pretty dumb.
He's in all the same special classes I am.
- That's why he lashes out at the world.
- Oh, Marge.
So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him.
You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go.
Well, thank you very much, Mrs.
Maharishi Gandhi.
Let's go, boy.
Now here's that bully of yours.
Show me your stuff.
No, no! Not like that! Like this! See that, boy? You didn't expect that, did you? And neither will he.
You mean I should fight dirty, Dad? Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.
Amen.
So the next time this bully thinks you're gonna throw a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eyes! And then you sock him when he's staggerin' around blinded! - Yeah! - And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
- Gotcha.
- And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
Thanks, Pop.
- Whoa! - Put 'em up! Ha! Ooh! Remember the family jewels, son.
Hmm? Oh, no, boys.
Not the can, please.
Doh! Bart, you can't go on like this.
I know.
- Why don't you go see Grandpa? - What can he do? He'll give you good advice.
He's the toughest Simpson alive.
- He is? - Yeah.
Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home? Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home? I'm here to see Grandpa.
Half the people here are named Grandpa.
Well, Grandpa Simpson then.
Second floor, third dank room on the left.
Thanks, lady.
" Dear Advertisers," I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.
We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.
Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again.
Number one: bra.
Number two: horny.
"Number three: Family jewels.
" - Hi, Grandpa! - Bart, what brings you here? I need some advice, Grandpa.
See, there's this bully at school who keeps beating me up.
Let me tell you somethin', boy.
If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are gonna be pickin' on you for the rest of your life.
Simpson, give me your newspaper! - Why should I? - I wanna do the crossword puzzle.
No, I want to do the crossword puzzle! - I said, give me that puzzle.
- No.
- Give me! Give me! - No! No! Heh-heh-heh.
Well, I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can.
- Here? - Yep, this is it.
What's the password? - Let me in, you idiot! - Yeah, right you are.
So, Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Soldier Of Fortune come in yet? No, not yet.
- Can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? - No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.
Ah.
Hello, young American.
Hello, sir.
Uh, Mr.
Herman? Yes? Did you lose your arm in the war? My arm? Well, let me put it this way.
Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it! Yes, sir, I will.
Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson.
I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
Strategy.
Hmm.
How many men do you have? - None.
- You'll need more.
And you'll need to train them hard! Now, let's see.
Ah.
Okay.
The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.
The Greeks knew it.
The Carthaginians knew it.
Now you know it.
First you'll need a declaration of war.
Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal.
Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War.
I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read " Bart Simpson.
" Psst! - Grandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
- Oh, yeah? Well, General George S.
Patton was a little nuts.
And this guy is completely out of his mind.
We can't fail! Psst! Pass it on! So, Mister, what are we doin' here anyway? I wonder where Bart is.
Yeah.
It's way past Okay, we all know why we're here, right? - No.
Why? - To fight Nelson the bully.
That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it.
I can't promise you victory.
I can't promise you good times.
But the one thing I do know-- Whoa, whoa! All right! Okay! I promise you victory! I promise you good times! I got a " B" in arithmetic I got a " B" in arithmetic Would've got an "A" but I was sick Would've got an "A" but I was sick Aah! We are rubber you are glue We are rubber you are glue It bounces off of us and sticks to you It bounces off of us and sticks to you - Sound off - One, two - Sound off - Three, four Go! Go! - What's the matter with you, soldier? - It's my nerves, sir.
I just can't stand the barking anymore.
Your nerves? I won't have cowards in my army.
- Ow! - Sorry, Bart.
You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send 'em off to die on some godforsaken rock, but for some reason, you can't slap 'em.
Now apologize to that boy right now.
- Sorry, man.
- It's cool.
In English class I did the best In English class I did the best Because I cheated on the test Because I cheated on the test - Sound off - One, two - I can't hear you! - Three, four All right, there's your enemy.
Now hit him! Hit him! Let's go, next group.
Martinez! Steinberg! O'Hara! Chang! Olajuwon! Herman! Die! Die! We are happy We are merry We are happy We are merry We got a rhyming dictionary We got a rhyming dictionary - Sound off - One, two - One more time! - Three, four Bring it on home now! One, two, three, four One, two, three, four Nelson's at the Elm Street Video Arcade.
Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the arcade.
Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart for a cherry Squishy.
Then that's where we'll hit him.
When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.
- We got the water balloons? - Two hundred rounds, sir.
Is it okay if they say " Happy Birthday" on the side? Well, I'd rather they say " Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.
Okay, our main force will be split into two groups.
One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat, the other will drive in this way, closing the trap.
- It's a classic pincers movement.
It can't fail against a ten-year-old.
- Heh-heh! - Nelson's at the arcade, General.
- Battle stations.
- I feel so alive! - you know, I thought I was too old.
I thought my time had passed.
I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes.
Thank heaven for children.
Hey, good Squishies.
- What flavor did you get? - Blue.
Hey, you two birds! You're gonna be suckin' all your meals through straws if you don't shut your traps.
Well, looky here.
Little Bart Simpson.
Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
Ha! Oh, yeah? You and what army? This one.
Artillery, commence saturation bombing! Hey! All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself-- Heh-heh-heh! Got him! You, up in the tree.
The tall gray-haired kid.
Get your butt down here right now! Doh! No! Please! - Don't hurt us! - Oh, we surrender.
W-W-We were only followin' orders! Eww! Knock it off! I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you.
The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, man.
Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna untie you.
Ha! You're gonna have to sometime.
Uh-oh.
He's right.
Don't you worry.
I was ready for this little eventuality.
Armistice treaty, article four.
" Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger.
" Article five.
" Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist.
" Article six.
"Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
" Wow.
Sounds good to me.
Okay, I'll sign.
- What about you, boy? - All right, I'll sign.
- Are you boys through playing war? - Yes, Mrs.
Simpson.
- Good.
Then here's some cupcakes.
- Oh, boy! - Cupcakes.
- Mmm! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun.
There are no winners.
Only losers.
There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War I, and the Star Wars trilogy.
If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library-- many of them with cool, goy pictures.
Well, good night, everybody.
Peace, man.
Shh!