The Spa (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Hi Rose, how are you feeling? Like I've been kicked in the stomach by a shire horse.
It can't have been that shy if it kicked you in the stomach.
Wholemeal toast for one.
Oh, you didn't have to bring it.
I was going to come back.
I just didn't want to wait for it.
Oh, believe me, Sally, I would never make you wait for it.
Oh, God, that sounded a bit like sex! Oh, Bo, while you're here, can you sign this card for Rose? Oh, yes.
She's OK? She's fine, she just winded herself when she jumped off the stage.
This was Vron's hypnosis? Yeah.
Alison says she's not allowed to do it any more.
Oh, this is bad news.
I wanted my kitchen porter to be hypnotised.
I really need to find a way to make him stop picking his nose at work.
He really digs around in there.
Some of the things he takes out, hai! It looks like they have heart and lungs.
See you later.
Alison.
Bo.
Did you want the post? I was just about to bring it.
Someone's got an admirer.
Oh, my God, who? Who do you think? Oh, I'm terrible at this sort of thing.
Can I have three guesses? You, Sally, I'm talking about you.
Me?! I wish! Sally, are you completely unaware of all the attention you've been getting? Not me, you must be joking! Believe me, all the signals are there, you obviously just don't want to see them.
Oh, God, Alison.
I am so flattered, but What? I just don't think you're attractive.
I beg your pardon? I mean, you're lovely and I have got so many gay friends, but personally I couldn't be a lesbian, not even for Kylie and I love Kylie.
I was talking about Bolek.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought Bolek? No, no, we're just friends.
Well, that's just as well, because you know the club's policy on staff relationships.
If you and Bolek did get together, as an impartial bystander I'd be thrilled, but as your boss, I'd have to sack you.
OK, that's good, Mrs Barrymore.
Really feel the rhythm pumping through every muscle in your body.
This is Bigos, it is a Polish stew.
Hmm.
Right.
No, no, no, this is a stew, it is a big meal for a big man.
You must take a large spoon.
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Eat, eat, eat! Is good, yes? Eric? Oh! Bolek, I think you might need to work on these recipes a bit.
That first one has what I can only describe as quite a violent after-taste.
What did you make it with? Just meat.
What sort of meat? Forcemeat.
Horse meat? What is the joke? We use forcemeat in Poland all the time - it is just a mixture of meat with added fat.
Can't you just use a fat horse? OK.
I need to get on with my work.
These you can have for your lunch, Eric, OK? There is no charge.
Right, this won't take long, it's just a quick announcement.
As of today, The Spa, specifically the Apollo Suite, has been granted approval to legally accommodate wedding ceremonies.
Brilliant! And I have passed the rigorous training to become a registrar! You're going to marry people? Yes, Marcus.
You? Yes.
Would you like to share your opinions on that with the group? I think I just did.
Anyway, we need to set the ball rolling, so if anyone knows a couple who want to marry and would like a free wedding venue, in return for featuring in our future weddings publicity brochure, do let me know.
Eric, do you want to Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I don't believe it! My friends Sam and Emma are supposed to be getting married on Saturday but their venue fell through today! I can't believe it! Then it looks like we have our first Spa wedding booked.
Oh, my goodness, Emma was on the phone to me this morning in floods of tears.
They're going to be over the moon.
Excellent.
Oh, I do like a happy ending.
All right, Sally, if you ask the bride and groom to contact me asap Well, it's bride and bride.
I beg your pardon? They're a same sex couple.
Sorry, same sex as in? As in they are two people of the same sex, I assume.
Two women.
They've been together for years.
Aaaw.
Right.
Have you got a problem with that, Alison? No.
You haven't got a problem with presiding over a lesbian wedding? Absolutely not.
Well, that's sorted then.
Thanks, everyone.
If you'd like to go back to work.
Alison, I also have many Polish fireworks left over from my birthday.
They are illegal, in this country, but make great celebration.
Thanks, Bolek, we'll let you know.
OK.
Hey, look on the bright side - there's usually one that looks like a fella.
Sorry? You know, lesbians, there's always a pretty one and a fat one in a suit that looks like a bloke - for the brochure I mean.
Fingers crossed.
One very hot cappuccino for one very hot lady.
Oh, Bolek! You do make me laugh.
So, tomorrow your friends will be married.
Oh, my goodness, it's so amazing.
I can't tell you how excited I am.
You are so sweet.
You must really love your friends very much.
Emma and Sam are incredible.
They're so lucky to have found each other.
Meeting the right person is not easy.
Tell me about it.
The thing is, I'm not that bothered about looks, I just want someone who I can have a laugh with.
Yes.
This is what is important to me too, I want someone who will make me laugh.
But where do you meet someone like that? In Poland we have this saying, sometimes you cannot see the trees because of the wood.
It means sometimes the answer is staring you right in the face.
I don't know what the question is.
Sally, would you like to go on a date? Well, of course I would, but who on earth would be interested in me? Sorry I was ages, the traffic in town is horrendous.
Honestly, that one-way system is like banging your head against a brick wall.
I know this feeling.
Oh, he's so sweet.
He said he wants to meet someone who can make him laugh.
But where do you find someone like that around here? Oh heck! This whole thing has got totally out of hand.
Oh, I think it's lovely, having weddings here.
A lesbian wedding, Rose? I had a lesbian wedding.
I'm sorry? Yeah.
I had no choice.
I was pregnant.
You had a lesbian wedding? Not lesbian Shotgun.
You had a shotgun wedding because you were pregnant? Yeah, but that turned out to be a poltergeist, so to be honest, the whole thing could all have been avoided.
Phantom pregnancy.
Yeah.
Hello? Yes? Yes, I'm on my way, for God's sake.
You can't say that now you're a vicar.
I'm not a vicar, I'm a registrar.
Oh, Christ, look at the time.
Fair warning, I am terrible at weddings.
I'm afraid I shall probably blub.
I'm sorry, I'm with Alison on this one.
The first wedding at The Spa shouldn't be a lesbian wedding, it should be a normal one.
Vron, that is really offensive.
You know what I meant, don't try and make me out to be prejudiced.
I've been to bed with a woman.
Really, Vron? Yeah.
My best mate at polytechnic, Sharon, was gay.
It never affected our relationship until She found out you were a woman.
Until her girlfriend dumped her.
She said she was upset and asked would I watch a film in bed with her, like her girlfriend used to.
Then she asked if I'd cuddle her, like her girlfriend used to.
And then she asked would I do something else for her, like her girlfriend used to.
Oh, my gosh! Yeah, I know.
I said, "Sharon, I love you as a mate, "and I will do anything for love, but I won't do that.
" Meatloaf.
I never saw what it looked like, thank God.
Oh, my God.
What has she come as?! Dearly beloved, I would like to welcome you all here on this most suspicious occasion a-auspicious occasion of the civil partnership of Samantha Godliman and Emma Er, er, is that right? Yes.
Emma Smallcock.
No making up your own jokes at the back.
This place has been duly sanctioned by law for the registration of weddings and civil partnerships.
Sounds a bit clinical that, doesn't it? Shall we say "same sex wedding", then at least you get the "wedding"? Although, no, we don't really want "sex" in the title.
Er two ladies who, for whatever reasons, wish to um, amalgamate no, that sounds stupid.
Um, merge, merge.
Everybody happy with merge? Why don't you just read the book? Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, good idea.
Um, OK.
Civil partnership, Samantha Godliman, Emma, er, Small.
If any person It's Smallcock.
Thank you.
If any person present knows of any impediment to this partnership, let he or she or those undecided declare it now.
No? Any impediment whatsoever? Impediment meaning a reason not to go ahead today.
No? OK.
Er, so, no impedi ment or mant? Can we continue? Absolutely, yes.
Er, yes.
Emma and Samantha have chosen to pledge themselves to each other Mrs Crabbe, Mrs Crabbe Eric, do you mind? We were in the middle of It's not legal.
Eric, we've been through this, it is legal.
I'll admit it looks a bit odd but two women have as much right to No, no, no, the room.
You've marked off the wrong room on the plan.
What? As part of the application to hold civil partnerships, you had to specify which room you wanted to use.
Yes, the Apollo Suite.
No, you've marked off the wrong part of the building on the map.
Any civil partnership held in this room will not be legally binding.
Oh, for goodness sake! OK, look, there's no problem.
Show me the map.
Where are we? We're in the Apollo Suite.
Yes, I know that, I mean where on the map are we? Well, we're here, but you've got us down as here, and that's the only part of the building where the ceremony will be legal.
OK, well, no panic, we'll all just move there.
Which part of the building is that? Civil partnership means making a commitment to developing co-operation, friendship, honesty and, of course, humour.
It demands courage, the courage to be open, the courage to grow and change.
Can you just get on with it? I think my partner's about to pass out.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
What this all boils down to is, do you take her? Yes.
And do you take her? Hmm.
That's a little bit less convincing, but no, it'll be fine, we'll take it.
If you'll both exchange rings.
Oh! The ring doesn't fit, I think we've expanded in the heat.
Don't worry, it doesn't matter.
If you'd both just sign the civil partnership document.
And Sally, you were going to witness.
Excellent.
I'll read this very quickly, because some people are on borrowed time here.
"Let the world now recognise that you are now civil partners.
"May insert names here "treasure their trust and responsibility, "and blah blah blah blah blah.
" Congratulations to you both, you may now kiss, if you feel it is appropriate.
Entirely up to you.
Aww! So, how did it go? Well, didn't you hear? Everyone ended up in the sauna.
Yes! Wait a minute, lesbian sauna wedding.
I think I have this DVD.
What's in the bottles, Bolek? This is my father's potato vodka.
Well, my father's recipe.
Oh no, I don't drink.
Well, give us it here.
My grandfather, he also make vodka, but in my father's recipe, you wash the dirt from potatoes.
Gives it a slightly smoother finish.
That's not bad that.
Hey, who said you could store them fireworks in my shed? I want them out.
Eric, don't be an asshole, they are for the wedding.
You shouldn't have put them in the shed then, cos it's not waterproof, and after all this rain you might as well put them all in the bin.
Shit.
This way, everybody, just follow me, if you wouldn't mind.
We'll get some lovely pictures of you all.
Out you come.
That's lovely.
Now, if you can arrange yourselves in um, you know, boy girl, boy girl, because that always looks good in dinner parties, doesn't it? Um right.
Excuse me.
Sorry to ask you, are you actually a man? Because if I could put you over here, it's just we're really top heavy on women in these photos.
Right, can we have one of the happy couple kissing? No! Absolutely not! Are you some kind of pervert? No, local press, darling.
Oh, my God, right.
We cannot have any photographs until we get people in the right order, OK.
OK? Right.
So you're there, lovely.
So I'm going to move you over here, my love.
You come there, that's lovely.
You'll look beautiful there.
Between them.
That's better, now you need to squidge in, you're not going to be in like that, you need to squidge.
Squidge.
Eric, have you had any of these nibbles? They're really unusual.
Ah, no, no thanks.
Horsemeat, that's not my kind of thing, thank you very much.
How do you know it's horsemeat? Bolek told me.
He gets the meat from the stables.
Ah, well, there's a couple that's got away.
Eh? No, Emma! Whoa! All right, babes? What do you think? Are you charging me for this? Of course not.
I've got my ad on the side of the carriage.
Did the press arrive? Oh, so it was you that called them? What's going on? You're feeding us horsemeat! What?! Don't be ridiculous! Eric said Bolek used horsemeat.
Bolek, why on earth did you use horsemeat for the catering? I said forcemeat.
Forcemeat is meat with fat, not horse meat.
You need to clean your ears.
One potato, two potato, three potato, four, five! Marcus, my office now.
What? What is it? What, I'm not drunk.
I'm not drunk? Why am I drunk? Tiny, two little tiny glasses is all I had.
Now! Oi, excuse me! First you make us feel unwelcome with your snide, homophobic remarks.
Oh, Emma, I swear to God, Alison is not homophobic, she was just born in a different era.
Exactly.
What? How old do you think I am? Late fifties? I wasn't asking you.
Late fifties?! Then we are made to take our vows in a sauna! Late fifties?! Yeah.
Then you drag us out here, feed us horsemeat and what I can only describe as un-distilled battery acid.
It's got wheels! It's got wheels! How would you feel if this was your wedding day? Oh, she's not married.
All right, your daughter's wedding day.
She hasn't even got a boyfriend.
Thank you, Sally! Look, you knew full well that this was our first wedding and there would inevitably be teething trouble.
After that welcoming drink, I can hardly feel my teeth! Come on.
Come on, let's go.
This was supposed to be the happiest day of our life.
You may not have charged us a fee for this wedding, but it has certainly cost us far more than we intended! Oh, here we go.
Right, now we get to the bottom of it.
This is just one big compensation scam.
What on earth are you talking about?! As far as I'm concerned, this wedding has been nothing but a huge success.
Good luck with your claim, you haven't got a leg to stand on.
Wah! Whoa! Whoa! Woo-hoo-hoo! To the happy couple!