The Strange Calls (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

WOMAN: (WHISPERING EERILY) Bill, come to me.
Bill.
Bill! You're meant to be down on one knee with champagne.
Oh, yeah.
And? - Um - The speech, William.
- The speech we wrote together.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
- I'm nervous.
- No, you're not.
You're not nervous.
- Thank you.
- You're immature.
Can you please just say the speech? BILL: My darling, Kristy.
- Oh my God, Bill.
- I WOMAN: (WHISPERING) Bill - Bill? - Forget her.
- Bill? - Don't marry her! Can you please concentrate? Come to me! You do know this is a story we're meant to tell our kids.
You know what, I knew it.
I knew you'd screw this up.
Oh, Wha ? You're going for a swim, now? That's it! That's it! We're over.
We are through! Call me when you want to propose properly, you dickhead! WOMAN: (WHISPERING) Come to me (GASPS) (EERIE HISSING) (EXCLAIMING) MAN 1: Hello, I need your help! WOMAN: My books are reading themselves.
MAN 2: My truck's stolen itself! WOMAN 2: The costume shop comes alive at night.
MAN 3: My glasses don't make me see.
MAN: (ON TV) Maybe there's no music playing.
Maybe it's not snowing.
Maybe there's no Mexican trumpet players.
But there's no maybes about my feelings for you.
- I love you.
- (LAUGHTER) You see how he's treating her? That's how you've got to treat Kath on the big date tomorrow.
It's not a date.
We're just grabbing dinner.
(LAUGHING) Jenga again! Cut it out! Anyway, look, here's a little consolation pressie for you.
What is it? I know you've banned me from giving you surprises, but it's It's nothing really.
It's just that last time it was nothing, it was a snake.
- A corsage.
- Yeah, for your date.
Well, thank you, Gregor.
But it's not the 1950s.
You don't expect me to wear a suit as well do you? (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello, Coolum Beach Police, this is Officer Banks speaking.
Sorry? You've locked a nudist in your shed? - (BANGING) - She's been banging like that since I called you guys.
- She? - Yeah.
I caught her trying to steal my nan's clothes off the line.
- Jesus! - I know, right? And so, naturally I wanted to confront her about it, and she just went wild.
- She's a strong one, too.
- Yeah? MAN: Mmm.
I think she's a Swedish backpacker.
What What makes you say that? 'Cause she was drunk.
- Right.
- And naked.
Careful now.
She's got a mean right hook on her.
I'm gonna film this on my phone at the bottom of Nan's stairs.
- (LOUD CLANG) - (EXCLAIMING AND LAUGHING) I love this shift! Uh, hi.
Um Um, I'm a police officer.
I'm here to help.
Here.
Um Uh, can you take my jacket? - Bottoms.
Um - Oh.
No, Gregor! No, no, no, Gregor, no! - Pants stay on.
- Pants stay on.
BANKS: Pants stay on.
Uh Here you go, just pop that on too.
I'm, uh, I'm Officer Banks.
Toby Banks.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) What's your name? My name is Lola.
She's drunk.
She can't even talk proper.
It's an accent.
I think it's Norwegian.
Think it might be Swedish, maybe.
It's not Swedish.
Might be Danish.
Banks said it might be Danish, not Swedish.
What makes him a professional? Oh.
Lola.
Um You're safe now.
It's okay.
Come Come with me and we'll look after you.
- He's got a girlfriend, you know.
- We're just grabbing dinner.
Can you please lock the shed, Mr.
I'm Professional at Determining Everyone's Accents? GREGOR: What the Uh, so.
(CLEARING THROAT) So, you After a bit of a wild party, you got left behind by your friends? Yeah.
And you've lost your bags, too.
- Yeah.
- And your passport? - Yeah.
- Oh, that is so annoying, isn't it? - And your camel, too? - Yeah.
- I told you she's drunk.
- Shh! She's Norwegian or something.
I don't know.
Look Lola, um, I'm sure you must be scared, but I want you to know that you're safe here.
And that I'm I'm going to help you sort all this mess out, I promise.
LOLA: (GASPS) Oh! It's okay.
No, no, that's okay.
It's all right.
It's, uh, It's not hot.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's all fine.
SARGE: Why? But why? But why? You really want me to say it, don't you? Okay, fine.
Harry, can we please borrow the Swimming Club's dinghy? Yes, we'll have it back for the carnival.
- Thank you, good-bye.
- What is it, Banks? Uh, Sarge, I picked up this girl last night.
You don't need to tell me that sort of thing, Banks.
What? No, no, no, no, she's lost.
She needs our help.
We've got an actual missing persons problem here, okay? William Kay disappeared on the king tide last night.
It may have been a shark.
- A shark? - Shh! We're trying to keep it quiet.
WOMAN: Sarge? Mmm Mmm.
I'm taking the dinghy out today, so, uh, your personal problem will have to wait.
What? No, no, it's not a personal problem, Sarge.
She's lost, she's got no passport or money or place to stay.
Don't we get her a hotel or something? (LAUGHING BREATHILY) We're not Noosa, Banks.
We can't afford to throw money at every problem that comes our way.
Uh, Sarge, we just picked up a harpoon.
(LOLA GASPING) SARGE: Good job.
Sarge, sorry, but what am I supposed to do with her? Oh, sorry, Banks.
There's a shark on the loose, okay? I can't hold your hand this time.
You're going to have to take care of it yourself.
Lola? Uh, listen.
Um, the backpackers, it's full.
But, um, you're more than welcome to come and stay at my place, um Just until we get all this sorted out.
- How does that sound? - Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, okay.
- KATH: Banks.
- Uh, thank you.
Hi.
Hi, Kath.
KATH: Who's this? Um, oh, this is Lola.
Yeah, I found her last night.
She had her passport stolen, and her backpack.
She's a backpacker.
She's from Sweden, I think.
Or Norway.
Well, wherever she's form, she's very pretty.
No, she is not pretty.
She's gorgeous.
GREGOR: Hi.
Lovely crabs, Kath.
Oh, thanks, Gregor.
All right, which one of you is gonna be me lucky crab? (GROANS) So Looks like you've got your hands full.
I mean, if you want to reschedule dinner, if you're busy with, um, Lola.
Oh, no.
No, I am I'm not busy, no.
Tonight is perfect.
Okay.
Well, um, see you at 7:00 then? Yep, good, 7:00 it is.
7:00 it is.
Hey! This better be the last time I get crabs from you, Kath.
(LAUGHING) Bye! So, um, you know You'll be, um You'll be in here.
And, uh, I've just made it.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
And, uh, I'll be out there in the other room on the floor.
You're not sleeping with me? Um, no.
No.
(LAUGHS) You don't like me? Yes.
You're very nice.
So, we can both sleep here, then.
Pardon? I want you to sleep with me.
Um, no, I've got to go to the toilet.
- (DOOR SHUTTING) - (GREGOR SINGING INDISTINCTLY) (SINGING) You're going to be Gregor's lunch (LAUGHING) Ooh.
See the pot.
In the pot.
(LAUGHING) I love this bit the best.
- (SNARLING) - (YELLING IN PAIN) You bit me! Oh, shit, land snakes alive! Fin sula thue, horange! Did you just call me an orange? - Let's see how you like it.
- (BOTH GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) GREGOR: Ahh! - (LOLA YELLING) - GREGOR: Ow! GREGOR: Ow! GREGOR: My hair! (SCREAMING) (TOILET FLUSHING) (TOBY WHISTLING) Whoa! What is going on here? - Gregor? - (LOLA CRYING) No, no, no, Lola, don't go in there yet, please! What have you done? She bit me! (LOLA SOBBING) Lola, are you okay? Lola? Lola? - Lola? - What the ? Come out here.
We can talk out here in the fresh air.
Lola, please? Some vegetarians have very strong views on the issue.
You know, actually that's That's It's going up on the list.
Yeah.
She's no vegetarian.
She's a mermaid! Well, you saw how she defended the crab, and you saw how she reacted when you spilt the water.
Also, she's shedding scales.
She's strong.
She's Norwegian.
Yeah, strongest woman I ever fought.
She's a Viking.
Wait.
What? She wants to eat your heart, Banks.
That's what she's here for.
Either that or it's because you're a bit fat.
They like that, too.
Come in, let me read you something from the book.
- (CLANGING) - (GROANS) "On any king tide, the temptresses of the deep "lure unsuspecting sailors to the water with their siren song.
" The king tide is tonight, Banks.
Stop slamming things down.
You know, I appreciate that you are trying to look out for me - in your own way.
- So, it's agreed? - We'll kill her together.
- No.
Gregor, you're being ridiculous.
Lola is not a mermaid.
WOMAN: (WHISPERING EERILY) Banks! - Banks? - You're not fat! Banks, don't listen! You're skinny (LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) - (MUSIC STOPS) - I told you, she's a siren.
Well, if she's a mermaid then, where's her tail? - On land, they appear in human form.
- Ah.
They only show their tail when they're Wet.
- Oh! Whoa! - (LOLA SCREAMING) Look at it! Look at it! No! You realize what you did was wrong? - You're aware that a 68-year-old - Hey! Forty-seven-year-old can't go barging in on On a I don't even know how old she is.
Mermaids are immortal.
They live forever.
Far out, Gregor, you seriously invaded someone's boundaries there.
Well, what do you want me to say to her? I'm sorry you're trying to eat me best friend? Gregor, I understand that in your head you're looking out for me.
But you're going to have to apologize to her, and you're going to have to mean it.
Hey, is that the Water World shirt I gave you? Stop it.
Stop it! Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Lola.
How are you? Um, I'm sorry, you're just going to have to get used to to Gregor's eccentricities.
But he has something that he wants to say.
Gregor? Uh, Lola, let me say truly, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize.
I'm sorry that I saw your tail.
- Okay.
- All right, all right.
We, uh, We got off to the wrong start there.
Again.
Why don't we all just go back into the van and And relax and play some games.
Lola, um, what would you like to play? Swimming.
What about fish? Do you have a six? No.
Gregor? You're picking this up really, really quickly.
Thank you.
Had enough? Scared? A little.
But I won't consider myself in trouble till I start shedding scales.
Come on.
(SARGE CLEARING THROAT) Sarge! Sarge, um, is everything all right? They found that missing kid.
Turns out he was swept out on the king tide.
Wasn't a shark, unfortunately.
- BANKS: Uh, that's annoying.
- I know.
So I won't be able to use this harpoon now.
I thought we'd store it here with all the other police junk we never use.
Yeah.
That Sure.
It's good.
Just, uh I can see you're, uh, getting along very well with Lola.
What? Oh, yeah.
Well, no, she's just staying here until we can find her a room at a hostel.
It's just that, uh, I heard that you were meeting Kath.
We're just grabbing dinner.
Well, you're a professional policeman, Banks.
You treat people with respect.
Well, great.
Well, thank you.
- No, I meant that as an order.
- Right.
Kath's a special girl, Banks.
You don't mess her around.
(CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) - Suppose I'd better get going.
- Okay.
(ALL CHEERING) SARGE: That cheer just now.
- Was that for me leaving? - What? No, no, no.
We're just, uh We're just playing.
You remember what I said, Banks.
Yeah.
Yes.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) GREGOR: The usual, thanks, Tony.
(SIGHS) (SLURPS) Lovely.
(SIGHS) Well, it's nice to see you alive, Bill.
Look, you don't have to feel ashamed, son.
I think we've all been caught in a king tide.
What? Let's talk about that king tide.
Mrs.
Merrylease, it's not a date.
We're just grabbing dinner.
Yes, that's what she said.
Please stop crying, Mrs.
Merrylease.
Yes, I know it's a happy cry.
I've got to go now, Mrs.
Merrylease.
I've gotta go now.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
- Are you leaving me? - Yeah.
Sorry, yeah.
Just for a couple of hours.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, please don't go.
I want you to take me on the beach.
For a walk.
I've got a date.
I mean, I'm just grabbing dinner.
Okay, bye-bye.
LOLA: (WHISPERING SLOWLY) Banks! Stay with me! You're not fat! You're skinny! Whoa, um, maybe we do have time for a quick one.
A walk.
A quick walk.
One.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Doesn't matter.
- Um Mmm.
- Thank you.
I'm so hungry.
Hungry? No, I'm from Hungary.
Oh! (CHUCKLES) Right.
Everyone's been wondering.
It's hazy.
I mean, the only thing I remember clearly is the song.
It was the most beautiful song I ever heard.
It's like it called me out to the ocean.
(SLOW HISSING IN THE DISTANCE) Like Chumbawamba? - Yeah.
- And? Anyway, the song stopped, and that's when it attacked me.
It was vicious, and it was like biting and clawing and dragging me under.
I thought I was going to die.
What'd it look like? It was a girl.
She was Looked Swedish or Norwegian or something.
And she called me an orange.
You know how they say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die? All I saw was Kristy.
I guess sometimes you don't know what you've got - till you're about to lose it.
- (SLURPS) I know exactly what you mean, son.
No, wait! What do I do about Kristy? Look, uh, love's a precious thing, Bill.
When you find it, you better damn well make sure you hold onto it.
Thank you.
But Kristy Wilson's a massive bitch.
You dodged a bullet there, mate.
Banks! Toby Banks! Lola, we We really have to go back now, okay? Stay with me.
No, Lola.
I have to go.
Okay, what are you, uh Let's go swimming.
I I really can't do this.
You don't like me? No, I I do.
Um, it's just There's someone else I like more.
And plus, it's a king tide.
It's all blue bottles and stuff out there.
Ugh! LOLA: (WHISPERING SLOWLY) Tell me, Banks! Forget her! Don't go! Stay with me.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) - Gregor? - Right.
I pressed the wrong button.
It was meant to be a song about how sorry I am.
What are you doing? I've come to apologize.
- She was going for a swim.
- Yeah, but it's a king tide.
I mean, there's all those blue bottles and stuff out there.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You know I really want to apologize to you, son, and Lola.
I think it was something that Roseanne said before she won the lottery.
She's She's incredible.
She said, "You know, in life you don't get many real friends, Jackie.
"So, hold 'em close.
" Well, Banks is my friend, and, Lola, I gotta admit, when you came along, I got a bit jealous.
So, I'm really sorry.
Gregor, that's That's actually really beautiful.
That's maybe the first time I Don't you have a date to get to? Well, it's just a dinner.
But, yeah, I do.
Uh So, what do I do with Lola? Well, I'll take care of Lola.
Don't worry.
Is that okay, Lola? (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE) - Hey, that means yes.
- BANKS: Oh, you speak Hungarian? Okay, great.
Okay, well, I will see you back at the caravan.
(CHUCKLES) You picked the wrong fat cop there, sweetheart.
(GROWLING) Hungry? LOLA: (WHISPERING SLOWLY) Let's play some board games! I love Blossom too! Ain't gonna work with me.
I'm 86% deaf.
Now, listen, girlie.
We don't like your type around here.
Coming in, stealing our jobs, eating our coppers.
But if you decide to stick around chasing Banks, I have no other choice but to end things right here and right now.
Now, start swimming! Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) I still can't believe my other plans fell through.
That's okay.
I had a big dinner at home.
With heaps of friends.
- They'll be mad at me tomorrow.
- What happened? Possum problem, at home.
- That's annoying.
- Ah, I'm used to it.
Did you know, uh, in New Zealand, there's about 30 million possums? That's about seven per person.
- That's interesting.
- I thought so, yeah.
MAN: (OVER PA) Number 47, steak and chips and a prawn cocktail.
- (SIGHS) - How are you? Good.
Good.
I think about you.
From time to time.
Neil, I thought (PANTING) - (CLEARS THROAT) - Um, sorry I'm late.
I got caught up.
- With Lola? - Yep.
She wanted to go for a swim.
Well (CLEARS THROAT) I should probably go.
No, Neil, stay.
We're just grabbing dinner, right, Banks? Yeah, we're just grabbing dinner.
Great.
Well, I know what I want.
Uh, I'm thinking of getting the chicken with the sesame seeds on top of it.
They use this new sauce and, uh, people say it's disgusting, but it is beautiful.
Now, for dessert WOMAN: (ON TV) Some things just aren't meant to work out, I guess.
MAN: (ON TV) Yeah, like dinosaurs, the ice age and fingerless gloves.
(CHUCKLES) But not us.
(DOOR OPENS) Hey, you're back early.
Yeah.
Where's Lola? Oh, her backpack turned up, and so she decided to move on.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Well, you know what these Swedish birds are like.
In, they're out.
I thought she was Hungarian.
And I thought you were on a date.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was.
Just me and Kath and and Sarge.
It was very romantic.
You should have worn that corsage.
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
I know what will make you feel better.
How about I make you a lovely spider? Did Lola even say anything about me? Um She asked me to give you this.
Now, how about that red lemonade from the locked cupboard, eh? You could've just said she wanted to give me a kiss.
Ah.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.
MAN: Hi.
Uh, look, my shirt's just shrunk, like it's been in a dryer.
BANKS: Yes? MAN: Well, I don't have a dryer.