The Tick (2001) s01e05 Episode Script

You guys make me sick!
What the hell are you doing?
Making sure that filth
never sees the light of day.
What've you got against
the girls of the PAC-10?
The girls of the PAC-10?
Yeah. The one
with the nude pictures
of you went out yesterday.
Yesterday?
Are you sure?
Were you buck naked on a red,
white, and blue Harley?
Oh, crap.
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline
in the never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help of
some other folks I know,
we form the yin
to villainy's malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
Grande drip.
Oh, God.
What is it, chum?
Realized the vastness
of the universe?
That's her.
Her? Her who?
Do we need to jump
into action?
No, no, we're not
jumping into anything.
It's Stacey Waxman.
The Waxman, burning his fiendish
candle at both ends.
No, Stacey Waxman, a girl
I went to high school with.
Oh, no.
Arthur?
Stacey?
Stacey Waxman?
I can't believe it.
Yeah, I know.
The ears, the suit
It's like you're
a different person.
Yeah, let me explain.
You look great!
Feel great.
Ahem.
Uh, Stacey,
this is the Tick.
Stacey Waxman I went to high
school with your partner.
Yes, you did,
and not a moment too soon.
Nobody told me you
were a superhero.
I keep meaning to send it
in to the alumni bulletin,
but it's been nuts.
We have to catch up!
Do you want to go out
for dinner tonight?
Very badly, but
I'll need to change.
Change?
Don't you dare.
You want me
to wear this?
Definitely.
Dinner with a superhero.
Who wouldn't want
to be me tonight?
Well, Zordox, for one,
Kid Psycho, The A-Hole
Eyebrows Mulligan
Boils Brown
and, of course,
Zipperneck.
Stacey Waxman is big
Very, very big.
Forgive me, Arthur,
but I found her proportions
to be rather normal.
When does she grow to these
gargantuan dimensions?
Is it when when she's angry
or attacked or confused?
Herein you see
the power of the suit.
Women cannot resist the suit.
Men cannot resist the suit.
Dogs
Yeah, I get it.
So, you think she's only talking
to me because of the suit?
I am only talking
to you because of the suit.
Damn it.
Of course.
What was I thinking?
Stacy Waxman and me.
Why else would she
like me?
The only time
she talked to me
in four years was when I got hit
by a car By her. Her car.
I threw up,
I was so happy.
Use the suit.
Bask in the suit.
Only make sure you never
take off the suit.
It has a fly, no?
No.
You know, once the government
sees those photos,
I'm going to be Captain Syria.
What's the problem?
Don't they like bosoms in Syria?
That's not the point,
Batmanuel.
Unlike you,
I don't just fight crime.
I am employed by the United
States Government
to be a symbol of all
that is good and right.
They were mad enough
when I went into detox.
They're sure as hell not going
to love this.
Hey, you, get off that!
Wonder Woman was right
You know, this is what happens
when you date Europeans.
One night he's like,
"Oh, just a couple of pictures
for my private collection."
Private, my rear admiral.
Janet, the pictures Is that
what's really bothering you?
No, I saw them
and they're great.
What's the problem?
I don't look like that anymore.
I said get off!
Anyway, they haven't
hit the stands yet
Then there's still hope.
I will help you.
Uh, don't bother.
Hush.
Batmanuel understands
the fallen honor of a woman.
You do?
Somewhat.
And together we shall see
that no eyes lay rest
on your national monuments.
Wiener?
No.
Do you want me
to come down there?
Okay, fine.
You can pick me up at 10:00,
and don't be late.
If she's only interested
in the suit,
then I feel dishonest
wearing the suit at all.
Arthur, if I may ask
a delicate question,
how long has it been
since you last
Long enough.
Then, my friend, wear the suit.
Wear two suits.
It's all so exciting.
When do we pick her up, Arthur?
We?
Okay, Tick, wish me luck.
Okay.
Good luck, Arthur.
Don't wait up.
I won't.
Where are you off to?
To pick up Stacey,
of course, silly.
It's going to be
a whale of a time.
Ahoy, mateys!
Tick, I'm taking out Stacey.
Of course.
Let's not keep her waiting.
She'll only perspire and alarm
the neighborhood cats.
No, Tick, I don't think
you understand.
Stacey is my date.
Of course, my, as in we.
My-we.
My-we?
Yes, don't forget
we are a duo.
Okay, let's start there.
When we fight crime,
we're a duo.
When we buy slacks,
also a duo.
Bobsled competition,
duo.
We don't bobsled enough!
But when I have a date
with a girl, no duo.
Ohhtrio.
Tick, what I'm asking you
to do, what I need you to do,
is to please let me go
out with Stacey by myself.
Go.
Temporarily.
Out.
By myself.
Go?
So I can be with someone else.
Go?
Tick, I've been giving
this a lot of thought,
and I think you're ready.
Here, it's the key
to our apartment.
Arthur, I haven't gotten
you anything.
Wait
For you, friend.
Keep the key.
So, look at you, I mean, wow!
You're a celebrity.
Not to the bad guys.
Was the decision hard
to start wearing the cowl?
That's a good question.
When you have a calling
Where did you get the
inspiration to be the rabbit?
Oh, I'm actually a moth.
Fascinating.
Oh, no, I just remembered
something
Senior year,
didn't I get drunk
and drag you
into the shower with me?
No.
That is one hot
superhero uniform.
It sure is.
Don't.
But it's our destiny.
Watch the road.
You didn't have to do this.
Janet, when you feel pain,
Batmanuel feels pain.
Right now I'm feeling
the pain of bursitis.
Do you have anything for that?
Okay, give me
the truth.
Why are you here?
Batmanuel is
a jealous ex-lover.
If he cannot see you naked,
then nobody can.
Wow, I don't know if that's
romantic or just extra creepy.
Joe Alamar's
a podiatrist?
That's insane.
I know.
It's brilliant!
I'm really glad
we went out tonight.
Me too.
I'd like to see you again,
if if that's okay.
That'd be great.
Arthur?
Yeah?
This is your apartment.
Oh, so it is.
Ha, ha, ha.
Guess that means I can still go
for the kiss.
A kiss from a superhero
We can start there.
Whoa.
Where are you going?
Batmanuel has finished
the Big Gulp.
Now he must water the bushes.
Ew.
Batmanuel?
Just a second.
It's the truck.
Give me the keys!
I said occupado!
Aah!
I have a confession.
I've never been
with a superhero before.
Is that a turn-off?
I think I can overlook it.
Tick!
He enters,
felling the mass
of oak with nary
a timber,
and bows with a new respect
to his little ally,
the incredible Mr. Schlage.
Tick, you remember
Stacey.
Oh, of course.
Yes, I heard a tale that Arthur
was such a horse's patootie
in high school that you wouldn't
give him the time of day,
you time-hoarding wench!
Excuse me?
Tick, can I have
a word with you?
Now, please,
in my bedroom, please?
Right-o.
Excuse us.
Tick, what are you
doing here?
Get out.
Out!
Why?
Why? Because I think Stacey
Waxman wants to sleep with me.
Really? She seems
wide awake.
Tick, you know what
I mean Do it.
We're all
doing it, chum.
That's what we do.
We do it. Do what?
Therein lies
the mystery.
Tick,
I mean have sex.
Sex?
Well, that sounds familiar.
No, actually, it doesn't.
Don't talk to me.
Janet
Thanks to you, my picture
is going to be
on every dorm room
in the country.
Well done. I say let tomorrow's
white collar criminal
stare well into
the teats of justice.
I take it
you didn't stop the truck.
If by stopping the truck, you
mean watching Batmanuel
irrigate the local flora with
his mountain dew, then, yeah,
we stopped the truck.
Bravo!
Arthur, was last night
a success?
Almost.
Almost?
Batmanuel does
not understand almost.
Me neither.
Almost means thanks
to the Tick,
she went home annoyed
at 10:00 p.m.
10:04, chum, remember?
I was playing
"Shout out the time."
Actually it was
kind of a relief.
This costume is giving her
expectations I'm pretty sure
will not be forthcoming.
Once again,
I cannot relate.
Ha, ha, ha!
Oh, wonderful story.
You really don't
get it, do you?
Oh, don't you worry.
I get it, and how.
You understand what I'm trying
to do with Stacey?
Completely.
Because it seemed like the other
night, you didn't understand.
Je comprends, mon frere.
Je comprends.
Well, then,
indulge me, Tick.
Explain it to me.
Tell me what
I'm trying to do.
You want to fight crime
with her behind my back!
I am seeing
Stacey tonight alone.
And please let me get
to the laundromat.
I haven't taken this suit
off in a week,
and it's starting
to smell like a giant sock.
You already have a date, and not
just for coffee and a doughnut
A prom date, with the town's
prettiest gal the penal code.
Oh, sweet thing, yeah!
How could they
do this to me?
Look at these pictures.
Just look at them!
Don't look at them!
Hello?
No I
Ugh!
I take it you don't have
Prince Albert in a can?
That was the government.
I have been summoned
to a disciplinary hearing.
I'm impressed. I didn't know
the Pentagon read "Peek-a-Boom."
What does she have
that I don't?
I don't have time
for this.
Oh, it's my fault.
I underestimated the fiendish
charm of the Waxman,
and now Arthur
is ensconced in its waxy,
wax-like waxiness
of her wax.
Janet, may I have
a word with you?
Yeah.
Waxy, wax, wax, wax.
Tick, you don't, by any chance,
have super hearing?
What?
Never mind.
Is he serious?
If it's weird, and it's him,
then the answer is yes.
What are we
going to do?
We have to explain
things to him.
Ugh.
Janet?
Tick, sometimes when
a man person
and his lady friend
Blah, blah, blah. Tick, blah,
blah, blah, wine and cheese,
blah, blah, blah, love,
blah, blah, blah, babies.
Blah, blah, blah, condom, blah,
blah, blah, call girl, blah,
blah, blah, paternity suit.
Blah, blah, blah,
excellent lawyer.
Oh.
Is that clear to you now?
Is what clear to who when?
Urban trailblazers, I salute
your brazen colonizing
of this street corner frontier
for the purpose of stalking
the rampaging buffalo of evil.
You looking for action?
You smell my musk.
The Tick is always looking
for action
On the streets, in the alleys,
on the rooftops.
Hey, you want him?
Already he's exhausting me.
Captain Liberty, are you aware
of the seriousness
of the charges against you?
Yes, sir.
As the symbol of everything that
is good and decent
in this great nation of ours,
to appear naked wearing only
thigh-high motorcycle boots
Let the record show
they're go-go boots.
Whatever.
Liberty, before we decide
whether or not
to court-martial you,
is there anything you'd like
to say on your behalf?
Yes, sir, I believe the man that
took those pictures was a spy.
General,
if it pleases the court
Who the hell are you?
I am Batmanuel.
Make it fast.
Batmanuel never makes it fast,
that is, unless
the husband is in,
you know, anyway.
General, your national anthem,
is it not
"America the Beautiful"?
No.
That might be a mistake,
but it's not
for Batmanuel to judge.
What are you doing here?
Would you not agree that,
as the embodiment
of America's commitment
to truth,
that Captain Liberty
herself is subject
to the freedom
of information act?
Objection.
Overruled.
Thank you.
You say it's a disgrace
to this country
that its symbol can be seen
in the flesh,
but is she not also the symbol
of an open society
that is the envy
of every nation on Earth?
And therefore, as that very
symbol, I ask you,
would it be appropriate
for Captain Liberty
to be photographed in anything
less than the nude?
In fact, isn't it an insult that
she's not naked right now?
That's enough.
The court will now deliberate.
I'm more than the suit.
I think that's obvious.
Or maybe not.
Every time I see her, I feel
like I'm putting on a toupee,
but not a normal toupee,
a full-body toupee.
Ha! I'm not the moth,
I'm the toupee.
Oh, my God,
I don't believe it.
I do not believe it!
Your suit is still wet.
I give you extra quarter.
You know what?
I'm not even the toupee,
I'm the comb-over,
the human comb-over.
Quick, zip me up.
Arthur?
Stacey!
So what will you do if they
decide against you?
Oh, probably work
the auto show circuit.
A wise choice, but, in your
haste, don't forget boat shows.
Help me.
Help me understand what Arthur's
thinking, what Arthur's feeling.
Janet, you don't by chance have
any hand puppets, do you?
This is so funny
running into you here.
I know. It's hilarious.
Well, how about a hug?
Oh, you don't want a hug.
Arthur, are you sweating?
A little bit.
You're so funny.
Now, how about that hug?
Stacey, I can't hug you.
Why?
Because my suit
is sopping wet,
but that's
not the reason.
The real reason
is that you don't want
to hug me at all.
All you want to do
is hug the suit.
But if you want me, you have
to want the man inside the suit.
Arthur, I do want
the man inside.
You do?
I mean, you don't care
about the suit?
I like the suit.
It's hot.
But did you think
I was that superficial?
I am.
So what do you say we finish
what we started the other night?
With or without
the blue guy?
Because he creeps me out.
Without.
Totally without.
You see, this is what
I'm talking about.
It's Sorry.
Tick, I don't know
how else to say it.
It's about love,
it's about trust,
it's about intimacy.
Men and women do things,
dirty things, nice things.
They touch. They feel.
Men have stuff.
Women have stuff.
They
Aw, to hell with it.
Ah, ha, ha, ha!
This poor fella's
got bosoms.
Maybe we should
take a break.
Again.
He stalks
the night streets,
his mind racing
around a single track
with no finish line
in sight.
What is it?
Is Arthur doing it?
Is it doing Arthur?
What does it want?
The praying mantis has
perhaps the most vicious habits
in the entire insect kingdom.
Tell me more.
Here we see the praying mantis
begin the process of coupling
with her mate.
Once the coupling is complete,
the female partner
consumes her mate.
Oh, Lordy.
The Waxman is about
to strike.
I must save Arthur.
Ready?
Ready.
Am I a stud, or what?
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
I'm too late!
You've eaten Arthur!
What?
You've consumed my little chum!
You waxed him!
Spit him out!
Spit him out!
Tick, what are you doing?
Hey, quiet, buddy,
can't you see I'm grieving here?
Arthur!
I'm Arthur!
Shut up!
Ohh.
I can't take this.
Hey, I'll call you.
We'll have fun.
Well, thank you
very much.
Don't thank me.
I failed.
You certainly did.
All I wanted to do was
save my little chum.
Yeah, well, you didn't.
It's you!
You're alive!
Ugh. I know.
I know.
This is what happens when you
take off the suit.
I begged you, "Wear the suit.
Embrace the suit."
They dropped the charges.
Hey, that's fantastic.
Naturally.
Hey, do you want me
to kick your behinds?
Shut up, grandpa!
Thank you, Batmanuel.
I owe you.
Well, there's only
one way to repay me.
That was not it.
Hey, did you patch
things up with that girl?
Stacey?
I think so.
I'm taking her out
to dinner tonight.
Great!
When do we pick her up?
Spit him out!
Hey, quiet, buddy,
can't you see I'm grieving?
Arthur!
Shut up!
Arthur.
Come out here, little buddy.
Come here.
Hey, fella!
Hey, little chum!