The Unicorn (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 WOMAN: Hi, Wade.
- MAN: Hey.
- Hi.
Let's go check out archery.
Poor baby.
Must be tough for him to go to open house night - without Jill.
- Yeah.
But to be fair, open house is a nightmare for all of us.
- GIRL: Daddy.
- Okay, okay, okay, we'll go get ice cream after.
Well, we don't have time for ice cream.
- (WHISPERS): They'll forget.
- Oh, yeah, they'll forget about ice cream? - I don't want to be here.
- You think I want to be here? No one wants to be here.
Fun night, huh? Hey, what are you guys doing after this? We're thinking about hitting up that new Whole Foods, 'cause they got a wine bar in the grocery store.
Yeah, get a glass of wine and maybe some tapas if we're feeling nuts.
- You're not gonna get groceries? - Yeah.
Addie gets 'em.
We just give her the list.
- She's very thorough.
- DELIA: Mm-hmm.
- I love lists.
- She finds them calming.
- BOY: Dad.
- She really does.
WADE: Well, the woman running the yearbook club seems nice.
Yeah.
A little too nice.
Seems like she wants to make you her after-school activity.
- (NATALIE CHUCKLES) - What does that mean in your mind? You know what? Forget it.
What'd you sign up for? - Um, archery, karate, um, and ham radio.
- Great.
So, Natalie has us covered in case - there's an apocalypse.
- (CHUCKLES) What about you, Grace? Oh, nah, I'm good.
What? Really? Nothing? You used to do so much.
- You should sign up for the debate.
- No.
See? You'd be good at it.
Oh, hey, hey.
What about the, uh, the fall musical? - No way.
- Oh you love to sing.
And look, uh, they're doing Little Shop of Horrors.
You know, the killer plant from outer space? - I don't know what that is.
- Oh, come on.
They made it into a movie with Steve Martin? - Never heard of him.
- Really? I have failed you.
Come on.
Trust me.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, and look, look.
Ah, even Addie is auditioning.
C-Come on.
Come on.
- I guess it could be fun.
- Yeah.
You bet it will.
Welcome, welcome.
And who is our aspiring thespian? - This is Grace.
- Ah, Grace Felton.
You're Jill's daughter.
We all miss her so much.
Thank you.
She-she really loved teaching here.
Get a grip, Daniel.
Grace welcome to the Ashvale Middle School theatrical family.
Huh.
You know, we do need help building the sets, too, if you have the time.
Oh, uh, no, no, he doesn't, sorry.
Uh, ye-yes, yes, I do.
- Up high.
- Up high.
Down low.
- Uh (CHUCKLES) - What do you ? - How about here? Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- (CHUCKLING) - Please stop.
- Just one? Ah! - How about that? - (BOTH CHUCKLING) All right.
I think it's great that you made her audition.
Well, I didn't make her.
I encouraged her.
Well, whatever.
You know, it's important to force them out of their shells.
- Gently.
- Yeah, gently.
The important thing is to have a plan to help them cope in case they don't get the part.
You think that could happen? I mean, there are a lot of parts.
Yeah, well, there's a lot of kids.
Not everybody gets a part.
For example, if Addie comes up empty, we have a plan to take her to the insect museum.
- It's her happy place.
- (GROANS) - Well, Grace would be crushed.
- Yeah, it's tough.
It's tough all around, man.
It's like me with high school jazz band.
Right? I practiced my fingering all summer long for that audition.
And when I didn't get first sax, I was devastated.
Despite all that fingering, I could not satisfy my band teacher.
DELIA: Yeah.
- He just doesn't hear it.
- Hear what? - (DOOR OPENS) - Uh, - hey.
- Hey.
- Found it.
- Finally.
WADE: So, - how did the audition go? - Great! They made me stage manager.
And I get to move the plant! Hey, check you out, huh? Oh, she's like a double threat.
- Congrats, honey.
- FORREST: Wow.
Um yeah, I mean, I just, I got - Audrey! - What?! - You got the lead role Audrey? - Yeah.
(LAUGHING): That's amazing! Oh, I'm so proud of you! I am so excited! And I'm nervous, but mostly excited! I'm gonna go rehearse! - Love you! - WADE: All right, um, I am so proud of you! - Wow.
- (WHOOPS) - Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I am not a huge fan of that show.
- It scared him.
- Yeah.
It scared me.
I was a kid.
It's a plant that eats people.
It's a reasonable fear.
Is, uh, is everything okay? Well am I the only one who thinks the plant would be more threatening if it had tentacles? Uh, it's, uh, it's a, it's a plant.
Yes, but plants can have tentacles.
N-No, they, they can't.
Okay, well, agree to disagree.
Maybe we should talk to a plant expert.
Uh, I'm, I'm a landscape architect.
I meant theater plants.
Uh do you, do you want me to make tentacles? Would you? Oh, yes.
I love that idea.
Yes.
Okay, let's take it from where we left off.
Places.
And sing time.
(PIANO PLAYING) Suddenly Seymour - Oh, he's good.
- Is here to Provide you With sweet understanding Seymour's your friend (NERVOUSLY): Nobody ever treated me kindly Daddy left early Mama was poor I'd meet a man and I'd I'd-I'd follow him blindly He'd snap his fingers, and me, I'd say sure (CLEARS THROAT) Suddenly Seymour (COUGHING) KERSEY: Okay, you know what? Let's take five.
- Hey.
- Michelle.
You went on the field trip? Oh, yeah, they needed chaperones.
You know what that's like.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- You don't have to tell us.
- Oh, no, I know.
- Yeah yeah.
- Obviously, yeah.
You don't know what that's like, do you? No, I don't actually think I've seen you volunteer for - anything.
- FORREST: We'd like to.
- But we both work, you know, we have jobs.
- Yeah.
Honey, they just told me they can't volunteer for anything at school because they both work.
BEN: I work.
And I took the day off.
Well look at that time.
What is the time, anyway? Oh, wow.
You know, and it's not just school.
- MICHELLE: Hmm.
- I've coached the kids' soccer for five years now, - and I've never seen you help out once.
- Well, Ben, you know, the last five years, I've been pretty slammed.
- You knew that.
- I've got four kids.
- Four! - Right.
I still find time.
You've just got Addie.
Addie, you know, she's a handful.
Um, I did my homework on the bus, so can I make us a quiche for dinner tonight? - Please? - FORREST: Ugh, see? DELIA: Well, I guess, yeah, if you want to.
Thank you.
- Yeah, a real handful.
- Okay.
Got it.
- Loud and clear.
- Yeah.
We will volunteer, all right? - At some point.
- Yes.
- In the near future.
- Down the road.
There you go.
What? - Oh.
Addie, you want to go? - Oh.
- Addie wants to go right now.
- Oh, my God, she's rushing us everywhere.
- Okay, we'll just go.
All right.
We're leaving.
- It's such ugh! That girl makes quiche? It's just okay.
Hmm.
BOY: Do, re, mi, fa, so, fa, mi, re, do Do, re, mi, fa, so, fa, mi, re, do Uh, Mr.
Kersey? Can I, uh, can I talk to you? Grace seems really nervous.
- Yes, she does.
- Uh, but-but she'll get there, right? I mean, obviously she was much better in the audition.
Well, actually, she wasn't.
If anything, she was worse.
What? Well, then-then, why did you give her such a big part? Well, after the year she's had, I wanted to bring a little joy into her life.
I've always been a big believer in the healing power of the theater.
Well, h-h-how is that going to be healing? I mean, she's going to embarrass herself in front of the whole school.
The whole point of this was to get her out of her shell.
Now she's just gonna go right back in it.
Oh.
Well, we don't want that.
No, we don't, so, uh, what are we going to do about that? I'm open to suggestion.
GRACE: Do, re, mi, fa, so, fa, mi, re, do Do, re, mi, fa, so, fa, mi, r-re, do - Do, re, mi - Okay, look, if it's any comfort to you, I'm using all of my skill as a director to make her better.
Uh, that is literally no comfort.
Yeah.
I mean, what was Mr.
Kersey thinking? He was trying to be nice.
And I had no idea that she would be so shy.
I mean, she has such a nice voice.
And I knew folks treated me differently after Jill died, I just I didn't realize they were doing the same thing to the kids.
Hey, uh, Natalie, do your teachers ever treat you differently because of Mom? - No.
- That's a yes.
Hang on there, Hopalong.
Get back here.
Look me in the eyes and tell me that you're not getting any special treatment.
What is with your eyes? It's like they're drilling into my soul.
Yeah, they do that.
Okay, fine.
It might be possible that when my math teacher heard about Mom, she let me slide with my homework and I kind of let her, so now I can't do pre-algebra.
Okay.
All right, this is not good.
You're gonna bring your textbook home, and we are gonna study all weekend.
But I'm getting an "A".
Fine.
Fine.
Those eyes.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
You've already had two juice boxes today.
Oh, you think I don't see? I see everything.
(GROANS) (SIGHS) Hey, Forrest, you know how you wanted to help out? Right, of course, at some point.
- Good news.
"At some point" is tomorrow.
- Ha.
The Sarkisians were supposed to run the snack bar at soccer, - but they had to pull out, so - (DELIA GROANS) That is so like them.
Some people are just completely unreliable, huh? Because they're having twins.
Know what, guys? This is a community.
All us parents, we're in this together.
We've all got to pitch in.
That's the only way this works.
You know what? It might feel good to do our part.
Great.
Do you think you two can handle the snack bar? FORREST (SCOFFS): Yeah.
The CEO of my company called my department one of his "smaller headaches", so I think we can handle the snack bar.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah, and I'm a doctor.
- Yeah.
WADE: Uh, guys, um, Grace is gonna get crushed.
Maybe this play was a bad idea.
I just wish that I could give her the confidence.
So, tell her she's great and she's got nothing to worry about.
- Just lie? - BEN: How many times do I have to tell you this? Yes! GRACE: Um, Dad? Grace.
Hey.
- You okay? - GRACE: Um, Gina, the girl playing Mr.
Mushnik, she told everyone I was terrible and I only got the part because Mr.
Kersey felt sorry for me.
Oh, honey.
It's not true, is it? (MOUTHS) Right.
- (SIGHS) - Okay.
Grace.
Grace.
I'm sorry.
BEN: It's okay, Wade.
- Wasn't that bad.
- Really? No.
I'm lying.
That was heartbreaking.
Yeah, this is okay.
- We can do this.
- I can't.
What is this so-called food? I mean, soda, energy drinks? Corn dogs? Nachos? See, this is why I never let Addie come here.
I mean, who even eats this crap? I don't know.
Gross people.
- God, I hate them so much.
- Forrest, - we both know you're not great with cheese.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, don't keep eating it.
All right.
- I can do this, right? - Yeah.
'Cause I'm a pediatrician who's just selling poison to small children.
- So what? - (SIGHS) - All right.
- ORRIN: Hi.
Uh, could I get an orange soda, please? - Great.
You don't have anything smaller? - Orange soda.
Coming right up.
- Okay.
I'll get the change, uh - Orange soda.
Orange soda.
- Wrong cooler.
Very cold in there.
- How much is it? Do we even know? Do you know? You don't know.
Okay.
- 75 cents? Geez, who sets this? - One cola, we got two colas.
- This one's all colas.
- All right, I think this is - Uh ah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
There you go.
I don't even know what I did with the original ten.
- (LAUGHS) - Thank you? - We got this.
- Yeah.
- Dad, I forgot my water bottle.
- Okay, all right, I'll grab you one.
MICHELLE: Hey, how's Grace? I don't know.
She hasn't come out of her room.
Is that a good sign? - Not great.
- DELIA: One at a time.
- Forrest, nachos! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it, I'm on it.
Nachos.
Nachos.
DELIA: Who opened this? - Okay.
- Oh! (GRUNTS) Chips down.
Chips down.
Oh! So hot.
So, so hot.
- Enjoy your hydrogenated palm oil.
- GIRL: Thanks.
- Uh, hey, can I please get a water, and fast? - Ugh, God.
Okay.
Coming right up.
Forrest, water! I'm only one man! Oh, really shoot.
- Uh, oh, excuse me.
Ah - Hey.
How's Grace? Uh, honestly, I'm a little worried.
I mean, you know her.
She's always been a little shy, but Jill knew how to push her.
And I-I-I just don't know how.
- Tell her she can quit.
- Wha no.
That's the last thing Jill would want.
To let Grace walk away because some mean girl made fun of her? No, no, no.
I'm not saying she should quit.
I'm saying give her a choice.
Like, when a kid comes in my office and they freak out just before I give them a shot Delia, do we have Twizzlers? I don't know.
So, I tell the kids, "You don't have to get the shot.
That's up to you.
" I let 'em think it's their choice.
You see? 99% of the time, they step up and they take that needle.
That's worth a shot.
What about the kids who don't? Oh, I just have the parents sit on 'em and then I just jab 'em.
Okay, well-well, hopefully, it won't come to that.
- Forrest, water! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, got it.
Got it.
Oh, God, so cold.
So cold.
I can't feel this hand.
I can't.
Look.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
- Good luck.
Good luck.
- Oh, look who cut the line.
- Nothing.
If it isn't my favorite patient Colton.
What can I get you, hon? I'll have a caramel corn and two things of the Sour Bombz.
What are you doing? Huh? You know you've got high triglycerides.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
I am your doctor You know what? I cannot, I cannot do this.
- I won't and I can't.
- What? What are you doing? Where are you going? I'm going somewhere where I don't have to violate the Hippocratic Oath.
Well, honey, honey.
Hon, do, do-do you know when you'll be back? Delia! Delia! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey.
Who are you texting? No one.
Right, right.
Is that on account of, uh Everyone knowing I'm a disaster who shouldn't be in the show? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Hey, you're not a disaster.
(SIGHS) But as much as I think that you should see this through, ultimately the decision is yours.
So, if you really want to quit, - you can - Oh, my God, yes.
- Yes, thank you! Thank you so much.
- Ye-Yes, what, what - You're the best dad ever.
I quit, I quit! - Wait what? - Thank you! - You're-you're quitting? You're quitting? - (SIGHS) - (LINDA BARKS) Stop judging me.
(BARKS) - Where are my nachos? - Please be patient.
This is a very delicate operation.
God oh, man.
All right.
Okay.
We're out of nachos.
(ALL GROANING) Oh, Delia! Oh, you came back! I knew you would.
Well, I hoped you would.
Okay.
Listen up, everybody.
From now on, we're only serving rice cakes, apples and kale chips.
- Okay? - (CROWD GROANING) Any chance I could get this dipped in caramel? - Nope.
- Thanks.
Can I interest you in some kale chips? They're delicious and a great source of beta-carotene.
(CROWD BOOING) Boo you! Guys, I am saving your little lives.
NATALIE: Ha, you lost a life.
GRACE: I don't know what I'm doing.
Natalie, give me and your sister a minute.
Uh-oh.
- (TURNS OFF TV) - Go do your algebra homework.
Ugh.
Dang it.
Grace, about the play Dad, you already told me I could quit.
I know, but that was a mind game, and you won.
(LAUGHS): I don't even know what I'm doing.
And even if I wanted to, I'm totally in over my head.
Maybe.
Maybe.
You know what? Come here, sit down.
Right here.
(EXHALES) Look, I'm, I-I'm pretty good at being a dad.
But when Mom got sick, she told me that, that I was gonna have to be more than that.
That-that I was gonna have to be a mom, too.
And I-I had no idea how I was gonna do that.
I was terrified.
But when the time came, I stepped up - And you were great.
I get it.
- What? No.
No, I was terrible.
You saw.
But I'm getting better.
And as scary as it was, rising to the challenge made me stronger.
All because Mom pushed me to do things that scared me.
Just like she pushed you.
You're awesome.
Just be you.
You'll be happy that you stuck it out.
Okay, Dad.
- I'll try.
- (SIGHS) - Good.
- NATALIE: And if you stay in the show, it'll really stick it to Gina.
I hate her.
Natalie, put the juice box down.
- This is my first.
- It's your third.
I see everything.
(GROANS) Dang it.
Oh.
How was snack bar? Oh.
You know what? Really great, but I think we decided that it's just, it's not really for us.
Yeah, you get it.
Yeah.
We signed you up for once a month.
Oh.
And tournaments.
- That seems fair.
- Yeah.
(EXHALES) (MUSIC PLAYING) Suddenly Seymour Is standing beside you You don't need no makeup Don't have to pretend Suddenly Seymour Is here to provide you With sweet understanding Seymour's your friend Ow.
You're hurting my hand, Dad.
Sorry.
Suddenly Seymour Is standing beside me (WHISPERS): You got this.
He don't give me orders He don't condescend Suddenly Seymour Is here to provide me Sweet understanding Seymour's my friend.
(WADE WHISTLING) KERSEY: She did it.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, she did.
What did I tell you? I knew the magic of the theater would work its magic.
- Yes.
- Couldn't think of a different word there.
It's okay.
Uh, congratulations.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
It was okay? Uh, it was, uh it was incredible.
You were incredible.
Your mom would've been so proud of you.
Uh, these are for you.
- For you.
- (LAUGHS) Thanks.
Um.
Hey, everyone who worked on the show is gonna go across the street to get frozen cookie dough.
Is that okay? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
I mean, I built the sets and I love cookie dough, so let's-let's go.
- No.
Dad.
- Go.
Go on.
Go have fun with your friends.
- Great job.
- Go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (MOUTHS) (MOUTHS) Wow.
I'm sorry, I'm trying so hard to go along with this, but - raw cookie dough? - Okay.
- Oh.
- They're all gonna get salmonella.
Yeah, no, no.
Come on.
Let's just go.
- All of them.
- Yeah, let's get out of here.
- Yeah, okay, okay, all right.
- I mean, it's a place that sells only raw cookie dough, so you think they've probably figured that out.
DELIA: How is it even legal?