The Upshaws (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
I'm here! I'm here!
Oh, God, I'm here.
Ooh, them stairs is killing me.
Thank God I ain't a fat daddy.
Mr. Upshaw? You're 15 minutes late.
I'm here! I'm here! I'm here!
[PANTING] Hey.
I shoulda wore some flats, though.
Pretty sure I just knocked all
the polish off my big toes.
[EXCLAIMS]
[EXHALES]
About time you made it.
We've been waiting.
Oh, please. I just saw
you parking illegally.
I know he ain't Principal
Rothstein. [CHUCKLES]
I called you both in to talk about
Kelvin's chronic tardiness
and I think we've pinpointed
the source of the problem.
Kelvin's late? Why?
Aaliyah's never late.
Aaliyah's mom got a car.
Kelvin's mom slips on a grey
wig and rides on a senior pass.
That does not leave this room.
I sympathize, but our
attendance policy's clear,
and in the three weeks Kelvin has
been here, he's been on time once.
He's in serious danger of expulsion.
That's on you.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Everything's on me.
You know what? We may
not be together anymore,
but you still his father.
So, work it out.
Okay, fine.
But just know, the only
reason why you his mama
'cause your girlfriend stayed
in that bathroom too long.
[VOCALIZING]
Solid as a rock ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Solid ♪
Okay, so, Lucretia,
if you can take Aaliyah
to choir on Monday,
that gives me three extra
hours to study for the GMAT.
Girl, will you stop stressin'?
You need to sip on something.
Jeez. Just take the test
when you can take it.
They only offer it at certain times.
If I don't take it next month,
I gotta wait until next year.
See, this whole testing
thing is a racket.
You gotta take a test to get in
school just to take more tests.
That's why people stay dumb.
[SCOFFS] Listen, can you
take the girl or not?
Okay, first of all, I'm your big sister,
so get the bass out your voice.
And you know I got your back.
Thank you. How about having it now?
I need somebody to take
Maya to swimming.
Mmm. Can't.
Captain Cam's coming to town.
Oh. Your booty-call pilot.
That's demeaning.
Yes.
You would really put casual
sex over helping your sister?
Yep. You better hope the GMA
questions are that easy.
Ooh, that reminds me,
since Captain Cam's coming,
I need to prepare my landing strip.
Oh, damn, and I was hungry.
Let me see if they can squeeze me in.
Okay.
What kind of serial killer shit is this?
[CHUCKLES]
I don't have time to
walk you through it,
I need you to take Maya to swimming.
Okay, but first I gotta
go pick Kelvin up,
get him some new kicks, and
take him to basketball practice.
I finally got him to do something
I won't have to bail him out for.
Okay, that's fine. Maya
can be a little bit late.
She is no Michael Phelps.
The only way she's getting
on a Wheaties box
is if we change her name to Wheaties.
[CHUCKLES]
Rosario can see me at three.
I think I'mma go for a fade this time.
What she gonna do about
the hair on your back?
Finger waves?
Dad, there you are. Mom
said I can get a new phone.
The hell I did.
Oh, snap.
- Didn't see you there.
- We've been over this phone thing.
But everyone at school
has the new iPhone.
Okay, well, then borrow theirs.
This phone sucks, it doesn't even work.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- Phone works.
For now, but what if it breaks?
If it breaks, then we'll deal with it.
Remember you said that.
Hey, get your sister
and meet me out front.
- Thanks, babe, bye.
- Bye, babe.
Hey, so now that it's just us,
there's something I want
to talk to you about.
Finally! I got a go bag and
a new passport for you.
We'll send for the kids next week.
Stop trying to make that happen.
It's about Bernard.
I saw him at my trivia bar.
With a guy.
And they seemed close.
Like "close" close.
You mean like Starsky and Hutch,
or like Kenan and Kel?
More like Bert and Ernie.
Were they huggin'? Kissin'?
Vogueing?
No. And I'mma need you to
freshen up your stereotypes.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
No, it wasn't anything like that.
Then forget it.
You're getting all worked up
and you don't know anything.
Your mom knows you're gay.
How? Did you tell her?
Boy, please. I've been keeping
it quiet since you were ten.
I only told you last year.
Baby, no ten-year-old knows all
the words to "Livin' La Vida Loca."
I didn't tell you you were gay,
that's how tight these lips are.
Then how'd she find out?
Your careless swiping-left-and-right ass
met up with some dude at her trivia bar.
Shit. What'd she say?
Nothin'. I told her she
didn't see anything,
but you know your mom,
she's not gonna let this go.
I'm not ready to tell her yet.
Bernard, gay or straight,
your mom just wants you to be happy.
I'll think about it.
To be honest,
I thought she'd figure it out
when you went as Janet Jackson
three Halloweens in a row.
She did have a lot of looks.
Hi, busy bee. Lunch at your desk?
Yeah. Cutting back a little.
I'm going for my GMAT.
Careful, I might take your job someday.
[LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY] Okay.
Anyhoo, I was asked to
go through all of this
and put together an operations
manual for the department.
Sad face.
Are you sad because you don't know
how our department operates?
Sure don't.
But, yay, I have you. Happy face.
Have it done by Thursday,
please. Thanks so much.
[SIGHS]
I hate that bitch.
Angry face.
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, this little girl done
lost her damn
Aaliyah!
Oh, my God.
Did the garbage disposal
destroy my phone?
Somebody ain't been washing dishes here
because this garbage disposal
hasn't worked in four years.
Stop playing with me.
I have a giant project that got
dumped in my lap by my boss
when I should be studying for the GMAT.
That's why I'm not gonna
waste my college.
And I'm not gonna take a break for kids.
I appreciate being born, but I'm
gonna break this cycle. Up top!
I'm not high-fiving that.
Now go clean a toilet.
Toilet!
Don't you flush that phone!
I hope them is menus
'cause I'm hungry as shit.
Nope. I got Sheila'd. Again.
No dinner?
Can't you slap together a meatloaf?
I could slap somethin'.
What? I've been running around,
dropping off kids and picking up kids.
Do you know how hard that shit is?
For real?
Yeah. And I had to work, too.
I'm at work now.
And pretty soon I'm gonna be in school.
This is just the beginning.
So wrap your head around that, bruh.
No dinner and she called me "bruh."
Shit's just getting out of hand.
Listen, I'm all for you
stepping up for Kelvin.
But don't forget you've got
responsibilities here, too, all right?
It's not all on me anymore.
School is making you hard.
I don't think you should go.
That, my friend, is not the
conversation we having right now.
Yeah, well, you know, I'm just worn down
from running kids around and everything.
- Plus Tasha had me running errands
- Hey! [MUTTERS]
Running errands for Tasha?
She's not your concern.
She didn't have a way to get around.
Then the bitch needs to get a car.
Y'all ain't playing house.
Come on down, Tasha Lanesha Lewis.
You have just won a brand-new car!
[LAUGHS]
That ain't new.
It's new to you.
You don't have a car. It's a car.
Is it, though?
Or is it how I get tetanus?
I wouldn't be mad if you got lockjaw.
I can't be seen in no raggedy Pacer.
Okay, well, turn your
wig around in the front.
[CAR ENGINE STALLS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
Listen to that baby purr.
Sounds sick.
Uh-oh.
How am I already doing 40?
Look, just pay attention,
don't speed, don't hit nothing,
and don't be curling your
eyelashes on the highway.
You cannot get pulled over in this car.
Oh, hell no. Bennie,
you gave me a dirty car?
It's not dirty. It's got tags, and
Okay, I made 'em myself.
Fine. Got it, bye.
You ain't gonna push me?
Yeah, off a bridge.
Bank bag, now. I have someone to do.
Oh.
I can tell you ain't had none in a
while, you want everybody to know.
Hey, babe, I know you
said to wait in the car,
but I gotta go to the
bathroom real quick.
Oh, shit. Given what you up against,
I'd have to throw up, too.
- This must be Bennie.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you, man.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah, nice bracelet.
- That's my good luck charm.
I haven't had an accident
yet, but I'm about to.
- Where's the bathroom, bro?
- Oh, yeah.
It's in the back, and being
that you dating family,
we got the two-ply toilet
paper hid up in the ceiling.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, so you sleeping
with married men now?
What? What you talkin' about?
Please, what man wears a pink
bracelet to a booty call?
That his kid made, and his
wife wanted him to wear it?
My man is my business.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
I was just playin'.
[EXCLAIMS]
Your sister gonna hate you ♪
You just like Tasha ♪
And you so ugly ♪
You do adultery ♪
I'm a grown woman. My choices are mine.
Okay, well, let's call Regina.
[SPLUTTERS]
What do you want?
My shop paid off.
This is not a $85,000 secret, dumbass.
Okay. That's it, right there.
That's what I want.
No more shit-talking.
Especially in front of Regina.
Okay, fine.
You keep my secret,
I keep my mouth shut.
No, I don't want it shut.
But every time you come at me
come with a compliment.
Fine. You ignorant,
low-down, son of a bitch.
What the hell?
Do you see Regina?
It's only a two-mile walk
from school to home,
Aaliyah could do that.
Shit, as long as she
stays on the shoulder.
Mommy, I'm a gymnast!
[THUDS]
Baby, you okay?
I'm good. [PANTING]
My PE teacher says they
want me on the team.
Honey, that's wonderful.
So can you take me on Tuesdays?
Um
Aaliyah's got debate on Tuesdays.
But this is my life now.
Well, baby, I
I'm not saying no.
- Thank you, Mommy!
- [REGINA CHUCKLES]
Wait, I'm not saying yes, either!
- Oh, my God.
- Aaliyah, I'm a gymnast!
[THUDS]
I'm good!
Baby, you'd be proud of me.
I picked up Maya.
And she wasn't the last kid there.
I actually had to go in and get her.
Well, come on, Daddy.
No, I wanna watch some ThunderCats.
Two steps forward, one step back.
Well, you can't right now, baby,
I gotta go over this schedule
with you and Lucretia.
She's coming over.
Oh, Lucretia's coming. Perfect, yeah.
[LUCRETIA] Girl, why was
Aaliyah's phone in the driveway?
I almost ran over it.
Damn.
Hey, Cree Cree.
Evening.
All right, listen up, so I got the
next two weeks all mapped out
Hey, real quick. Lucretia?
On a scale of one to ten,
how am I as a husband?
Ten being the highest.
So, you have me taking the girls
[BENNIE] We'll get to that.
Go on.
You're definitely the highest
husband I've ever seen.
Not quite what I was looking for.
Tell Regina how you said you
wish you had a man just like me.
Are you high right now?
Lucretia knows how blessed
you are to have me.
Don't you? You little
cute little gremlin.
Am I high right now?
You
ain't terrible.
That's it?
It feels like you cheating
me out of a compliment.
You wouldn't be cool with
cheating, would you?
You're a great husband and a
perfect father. [INHALES DEEPLY]
I can't breathe.
- I gotta go. I gotta go.
- [BENNIE LAUGHING]
Just call me and tell me
what you need me to do.
Bennie, uh, this "car" sucks, okay?
Do something.
What's wrong with it?
What's right with it? Okay?
It keeps making this
weird rattling noise.
It brakes before I want it to brake.
Did you start it with the trunk open?
I am not dying in this car!
You gave me this piece
of shit, so you fix it.
I'll be in your waiting room.
You gave your baby mama a car?
No, we was talking
We was talking about some
- Ooh.
- What?
You in trouble ♪
Your wife gonna kill you ♪
'Cause I'm gonna tell her ♪
'Cause I'm a gremlin ♪
No, no, no.
You late and you wrong.
And as Regina said, I quote,
"This bitch needs to get a car."
Okay, so she knows
that you got her a car.
How are we gonna play this out?
You don't say shit,
and I won't say shit.
As long as we both agree
that you ain't shit.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Big news, I just heard from Jan.
"Jan" Jan? COO Jan?
There's only one Jan, so
I've worked here ten years and
I've never even talked to Jan.
I poured her a cup of coffee once,
that's how I know she
doesn't drink coffee.
- Sheila.
- Jan.
Oh, now this bitch drinks coffee.
Sheila, this operations
manual is stunning!
I had to personally tell you
that it's going to be used as a template
for the entire medical group.
- Well done.
- [SHEILA] Thank you.
But I do have to give credit to Regina.
Thank you, Sheila. [CHUCKLES]
Reconciling the section
on Medicaid regulations
and the physician reimbursement,
that kept me up all night.
But I threw on some Mary J. Blige
and got it crunk in the dancerie.
You stayed up all night?
That's what you got from that?
You motivated an employee to stay
up all night and work on this?
Well, I guess I
Brava! [CHUCKLES]
As we like to say upstairs,
a team is only as good as its leader.
I don't want to speak out of school,
but there could be a bonus in
this for you. [CLICKS TONGUE]
I mean, I did let her do it, so
You got big things coming, Sheila.
I do have big ideas.
T-shirt Tuesday at Old
Navy, that was me.
I don't remember that.
It never happened, but
I had the idea, so
Well, keep those big ideas coming.
I'm glad that went well. [LAUGHING]
Thank you for all your hard work.
Mmm. I can't tell you
what it does to my soul
to know that I've helped
make you more money.
Unrelated, what does an ulcer feel like?
Not sure.
If I have to spend one more day
working for that phony-ass,
slack-jawed idiot! [GRUNTS]
I'm gonna slap that irritating
smile right off her damn face.
Oh! But then she'd get another bonus
and then my ass would be in jail.
Oh, but maybe then I would
have time to get my MBA
in between doing cornrows to
keep them big bitches off of me.
How was work?
[LUCRETIA] Hey, Regina?
Where's that top I let you borrow?
- You know, the silver one with
- Laundry room.
She's in a mood.
What did you do?
Oops.
My bad.
I think this was Thursday.
Just take the top and go.
These chickens wings is cold.
You wanna warm them up for me?
Your fingers broken or do
you just want them to be?
Damn, relax.
Damn, what is this?
Oh, my gosh, did the
microwave melt my phone?
Aaliyah, you gettin' on my
last nerve with this phone.
Wait a minute. What are
you doing home early
when the only three people that
could pick you up are in this house?
Tasha gave me a ride.
- Tasha?
- Yeah, Dad bought her a car.
- How do you know that?
- You did what?
Kelvin told Savannah, who told me.
Savannah better keep
her damn mouth shut.
You got half a chance
to explain yourself.
Well, it's like this.
Your sister's sleeping
with a married man.
What the hell? We had a deal.
A married man?
Bennie bought his baby mama a car.
Ha! She already know that.
You used our money to
get your baby mama a car?
That's my phone money
right there Oop!
I didn't buy her anything.
The car was sitting in there for months.
Yeah, but he didn't
run and ask you first.
Yeah, and the pilot got kids, too.
Kids? Oh, so you just going full ho?
Get her, baby.
Bennie pretends to work on cars
so he doesn't have to help
with stuff around here.
He could be taking care of all this.
At least I don't break up marriages.
Well, except for the one you're in!
You side-baby-having bastard!
- How disrespectful is that?
- [CLAMORING]
Tasha riding around in a
car that you bought her.
- Whatever.
- How do you think she gonna feel?
- [BENNIE] None of your business.
- I drew a picture!
- I got a car! Bennie got a car!
- Whatever.
That's it!
I've had enough!
Don't worry, baby.
Auntie will put this
on her fridge, okay?
Why don't you put a picture of
that man's wife on your fridge?
Yeah, get her, baby.
And you
What the hell were you thinking
getting that woman a car?
Baby, you said
I said?
I said?
All I've been saying
is that I wanted to go back to school.
Is that I wanna get a better job
with more money.
I'm trying to better myself.
To make life better for all of us.
But you ungrateful, selfish
asses, y'all don't care.
Y'all Y'all just want what
you want, when you want it.
'Cause "Regina got this,
Regina will fix it,
Regina will hook it up."
Well, you know what? Regina's
ass is out. She's done!
Y'all are on your own!
You hungry? There go the bread!
Thirsty? There go the faucet!
You don't want the faucet?
Get the hose outside!
- You don't like the phone you got?
- [CELL PHONE THUDS]
You got no phone!
If you need a ride, take the bus.
If you get hungry for lunch,
what did I say before?
"There go the bread"?
[SHUSHES] Not now, baby. Not now.
[REGINA] This
This is my time,
and my dream and I'm
gonna make it happen.
Disrespected at work,
disrespected at home.
Y'all can kiss my entire Black ass.
I'm going back to school,
I'mma get my MBA,
and I don't wanna hear nothing
nobody has to say about nothing!
- Hey, Ma, can we talk
- [SCREAMING] No!
Way to go, Bernard.
Man, you really told them.
Are you kidding me right now?
[SHUSHES] You'll wake up the baby.
Then don't scream when I stab you.
You said Tasha needed a car.
Plus Kelvin was getting
kicked out of school.
I know all of that.
You were supposed to step up.
Just not take the easy way out again.
Easy? It was a Pacer,
you know what it took for
me to get that car going?
Oh, my God, I'm so tired
of having to tell you
the same shit over and over.
You cannot keep hiding things from me,
even if they're for Kelvin.
- I hear you.
- Do you?
Do you really? 'Cause I'm
not playing about this.
You need to be transparent.
Is there any more shit
you're keeping from me?
No, I told you everything.
All right.
Keep it that way.
Now, I worked everything out.
And I did the math.
We can cover Maya's gymnastics
if I let my edges grow out.
But you need to take her every Tuesday.
Now, see, I can do that.
Now that Tasha got a car,
I mean, I really kind
of got the car for you.
That's
Negro, please.
I took a shot.
Damn, Bennie. Hah!
I'm surprised to see you in one
piece. I know Regina don't play.
Yeah, you know I know
how to handle my woman.
You know, calmed her down,
told her everything,
full transparency shit. We all good.
Really? Okay, player, okay.
So she okay with Tasha
driving a dirty car.
Hey, why are you yelling that?
She don't know that.
I told you, "transparency,"
not "stupid."
[TASHA] Bennie! Bennie!
Bennie.
Hey.
Y'all got a tow truck, right?
Why is you coming in here with
half a foot? What happened?
I broke my shoe climbing out of a ditch.
Oh, yeah, um, the car's in a ditch.
Damn, you only had that car one week.
Oh.
Please tell me you remembered
to get the tags.
I remembered my purse.
And my lucky hot comb.
That don't help nobody.
Tony, get the truck.
And be quick, okay?
'Cause he said I need to be back in
an hour or he gon' call the cops.
- Who said?
- The dude in the Saab I hit.
I mean, keep up.
[BOTH GROANING]