The War at Home s01e05 Episode Script

When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion.
Let 'em cry, don't let 'em cry.
Let 'em watch TV, don't let 'em watch TV.
Spank 'em, don't spank 'em.
But the one thing that everyone agrees on is, sooner or later, you have to trust them and hope you raised them right.
I'm totally screwed.
Where you been? Oh, I was just talking to Hillary.
All this time? How long does it take her to roll her eyes and tell you to get the hell out of her room? Actually, we had a really good talk.
Really? About what? Oh, nothing.
I took care of it.
Oh, okay.
So, what exactly did you take care of? I can't really tell you.
I promised her I wouldn't.
Oh, I get it.
So, what was it, huh? Is it about that Kyle kid she's been hanging out with, huh? Come on, tell me! Okay, but you have to promise me, you won't freak out, and you have to promise me you will not repeat what I'm going to tell you.
Give me a break, Vicky.
Half the time, I don't even remember what you tell me.
Okay, go ahead, say it, promise me.
Fine.
I promise.
Okay? Promise.
What was it? Hillary came to me and wanted to know how you know when the time is right.
Please tell me she's still confused about daylight savings.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This-this is crazy.
She's not ready for this, okay? I mean, she's only 16 years old! Dave, focus on the good news.
If she's still asking, she's still not doing.
Okay.
So, what did you tell her, huh? How'd you talk her out of it? You're good at that.
You talk me out of it all the time.
Dave, she came to me and had the courage to ask me, so I had to answer her questions honestly.
Excuse me? Since when do we tell them the truth? They lie to us, we lie to them.
Come on, that's how that works around here.
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it, either, and I let her know that.
Honey, believe me, I said all the right things.
And at least now she knows all about safe sex and birth control Bah, bah, bah, shh! Okay, I see that you obviously don't know how to handle these kinds of things.
So, I'm going to have to go talk to her myself.
What? You can't! If you tell her what I told you, she'll never trust me again.
Why not? I'm her father.
If she wants to have sex, I want to be involved.
You know what I meant.
No.
Relax, Dave, relax.
I handled it.
I really don't think we have anything to worry about.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you're going to actually give it up to Kyle! Yeah! I said I was just thinking about it.
Look, Brenda, I know that we said we'd wait until we both have boyfriends, but Kyle's just so cute, and we're completely into each other, and I mean, I don't know how much longer I can hold out.
Actually I lost my virginity last month.
What?! I can't believe you didn't wait! With who?! Matt Reich.
Matt Reich?! Oh, my God! You little skank! Shut up! So, how was it? Amazing.
But you really have to experience it for yourself.
So, wait.
I'm officially the only girl in our grade who's still a virgin? N o.
There's Karen Uzel.
She's in a wheelchair! Oh, my God.
That's it.
I'm definitely, definitely gonna do it with Kyle.
Hey, Mom? Yup? Can I borrow 20 bucks? I want to get waxed.
Sure, honey.
Waxed? No, no, no, no, no.
You don't prune the hedges if you're not expecting company in the front yard.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are you getting waxed and why? My eyebrows.
I want to look perfect for Saturday night.
What's so special about Saturday night? I'm going out with Kyle, remember? You said I could.
Oh, yeah.
Well, maybe that's not such a good idea.
Why not? Because I just don't think Saturday's an appropriate night for two young people to be going out.
Did you say something to him?! No! Say something? About what? What's going on? Nothing! Then why did she ask if you told me something? Just forget it! Okay.
It's forgotten.
What? I didn't say anything.
Dave, please, give it up.
Give it up.
Hope that's not the advice you gave Hillary.
I'm warning you.
I handled it.
Let it go.
Let it go? It's already gone, okay? What am I gonna do? I can't do anything anyway.
Look, if there's any fathers out there, I'm open to suggestions.
You dads in the red states, come on, this is right up your alley.
Big surprise! This family is going to the city, having dinner at Finique, and afterwards, I got tickets to see Wicked! Oh my God, I've been dying to see that! I know! I remembered.
Dinner and a Broadway show?! What's the occasion? Did you cheat on me? Oh, who cares! Wicked? I'm so jealous.
I'm trying not to hate all of you all right now.
Not working.
A musical? Wow.
You know, maybe we can visit Great Aunt Sylvia at the home on the way back.
So, when are we going? Saturday night.
Wait.
This-this Saturday night? Yup.
No, I can't.
What are you talking about? You've been dying to see this play! I know, but I'm going out with Kyle Saturday night.
So, cancel it.
I can't.
I can't disappoint Kyle.
God, I can't believe I'm going to miss this show.
And I can't believe we're gonna have the entire house to ourselves! Can you please have a talk with your daughter? What do you want me to say? She made plans.
Can you just help me out here? You did say something to him! No, I didn't! Say something about what?! What's the big secret, ladies? Nothing! Nothing.
And I'm still not going! Hey, Hillary, come back here! Hey, if Hillary can't go, I know someone who loves musicals just as much as I do and would kill to go.
Yeah, I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem finding someone.
Yeah, Marla's gonna love this! Marla? I am psyched for you guys.
Okay, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I don't like Marla as much as I pretend to.
I'm busting my butt trying to keep that guy away from Hillary! Why didn't you back me up?! I'm sorry, Dave, but what exactly is the plan here? Are we going to get tickets to Broadway plays every night and every matinee until Hillary gets married? Because, you know, I love a show, but Okay, okay, maybe it wasn't the smartest idea, but at least I'm trying to do something.
I can just imagine the line of crap that kid Kyle is feeding her.
"I love you so much, baby.
"Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby, let's do it right now, baby.
" Come on, she's not an idiot.
You fell for it! Honey, I've got news for you.
I never had sex with a guy who pressured me.
At least not until I got married.
Relax.
I really think I handled things with her.
Fine.
Then I'm just going to return the stupid tickets.
What? No! We are going to that restaurant and we're going to see Wicked! You can't take that back! Are you crazy? We can't go to the city for six hours on a Saturday night! We may as well get Kyle a room at the Four Seasons and say, "Here's our daughter, enjoy!" I mean, what do you want to do, huh? You want to go see a show? Or you want to help our little girl from being violated? I want to see that show.
What's that way down there? It's really small.
I can't quite make it out Oh it's the stage.
You hear that? That's the orchestra.
They sound like crap.
Let's get out of here.
They're tuning up, Dave.
Isn't this great? The two of us, sharing this special night? Yeah, this is so cool.
Come on, let's get out of here, Vicky, all right? If we leave now, we can beat the traffic.
Dave, Hillary is fine.
I handled it.
But Vick Hey, hey! I'm in Manhattan, wearing makeup and grownup clothes.
my hair is perfect, And even though a spring from this seat is poking me in the ass, I'm having the time of my life, and we are not leaving! Hey, hey, the show's down there, Pops.
Wow, maybe maybe we should slow down a bit.
What is it? What's wrong? I'm part of this club called The Silver Ring Society.
That's nice.
You see, you put on a silver ring and you take a pledge a pledge that you won't have sex until you're married.
You're not only cute, but you're funny.
No, no I mean it.
It's just, uh I don't know, it just kind of makes life a little simpler.
You're serious? No sex until you're married? Yeah.
Well, look, I'm not saying that a temptation won't come along someday and I might not be able to resist it Temptation? You mean like this? Oh, my God Okay! We're out of here.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can I get through here? I don't know what you're wasting your breath for.
Can't hear you from all the way up here.
Wasn't that just amazing?! Hi, honey.
How was your night? It was okay.
How was the play? Great.
So, what'd you and Kyle do tonight? Oh, not much.
We went out for dinner and, uh, we watched a movie here.
A movie? Here? That's cool.
What else did you do? Nothing.
Nothing, huh? That seems strange.
Two teenagers all alone in a big house and all you did was watch a movie.
You sure you guys didn't do anything else? Like what? I don't know, become a woman? Oh, my God! Mom! You did tell him! No, no! I would never Damn straight she told me! I know everything, okay?! I know things about you you don't even know you know, I know.
You promised you wouldn't say anything.
I can't believe you! Go ahead.
Follow her.
You got to find out what happened tonight, you know? Keep those lines of communication open.
Are you kidding me? I don't think she'll talk to me again, let alone confide in me.
Thanks a lot! Fine.
You know what? I'm gonna go talk to her myself.
And when she tells me what happened tonight, I'm not gonna tell you anything.
You know why? Because I can keep a secret.
Dad, I really don't want to talk about this with you.
Look, I'm your father, okay? What you do is my business, and what you don't do is my business, okay? Everything about you is my business.
Now were you doing business tonight or not? God, Dad, this is really embarrassing.
Come on, sweetie, we used to talk about everything.
Remember? Even the embarrassing stuff.
Remember the first time you got your period? Yeah.
Hey, Hil, Mom, told me the big news! How's it going in there? No! Get away! Leave me alone! Oh, that PMS just kicks right in, huh? You think this is fun for me? You think I like having these kinds of discussions with you? I only do it because I care about you.
Well, could you care about me a little less? Fine.
Look, if you don't want to talk, then just listen.
Fine.
This is the thing.
You know, when I was young, I would say anything to a girl to get her to well, to get her to.
I would tell fat girls they were hot.
I would tell ugly girls they were pretty.
I would tell stupid girls they were Well, I really didn't have to tell them much.
They were pretty much good to go.
But, you know, as soon as I got what I wanted, I was done with them.
Dad, that's disgusting.
That's my point.
I was disgusting, like every other guy is disgusting.
We're all disgusting! Okay, it was, uh, great talking to you, Dad.
Is this conversation over now? Listen, sweetie, I just, I don't want to see you get hurt, okay? I mean, you only have one first time, and I just I want you to try to make it be with somebody that, you know, you really, really love, and that really, really loves you.
And that you're really, really old, and I'm really, really dead.
Marla and I don't have anything in common.
When she gets over here, I'm breaking up with her.
It's really up to you.
I support you either way.
Hey, you want to go to the comic bookstore? Would I? Let me just go tell my mom.
Hi.
Marla! Hi! Yeah, I think we need to talk about last night.
Oh, is this about me falling asleep? Yeah.
How could you? This was something I was really excited about Okay, wait.
Let me explain.
See, Larry, this relationship is the most important thing that's ever happened to me.
-All right, fine, I underst -No, let me finish.
Look, I know this is gonna sound totally dorky, but I was so nervous about going out with your family that I got no sleep the night before.
And then, you know, at the play, I ate a little candy, and I just crashed.
Excuse me, a little candy?! Oh, God.
That makes total sense.
I get nervous when I go out with my family, too.
And they're my family.
Hey, I guess that's another thing we have in common.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hi, Kenny.
Hey.
Can we take a rain check on the comic bookstore? No problem.
Yeah, you guys have fun! Hi.
Can I help you? Yeah.
I'm Dave, Hillary's father.
And I don't want your son Kyle laying a hand on her, okay? 'Cause he's disgusting, all right, like I was disgusting and like you're disgusting.
Okay, we're all disgusting.
And I don't your son being disgusting with my daughter! You follow? Um, if you're looking for Kyle's family actually, they live next door.
Then never mind.
Actually, they live next door the other way.
Yeah.
Screw him.
I've got great news.
Oh, come on, you're not still mad at me, are you? Come on, talk to me.
You know I would but then you'd just run around and tell everybody what I said.
Yeah, well, I think you'll get over it when you hear what I found out.
I went and had a little chat with Kyle's dad and it turns out that Hillary is definitely still a virgin.
Oh, that's a relief.
How do you know? Ah, this kid Kyle's in some Silver Ring organization, and he's taken a vow not to have sex.
Huh, what do you know? He and I are in the same club.
What's wrong with me? I mean, I was totally willing to give it up, and nothing even happened.
Kyle doesn't even want me.
Okay, can we put this in perspective? You totally hot; him religious freak.
No, but Brenda, I'm telling you, it was the worst night of my life.
And then my dad talking to me about sex? Oh, I know.
Totally creepy and gross.
Yeah, I know, right.
What's that all about? I don't know.
Probably about how much he cares about you and how much he worries about you, and how much he loves you.
Are you okay? Why didn't my dad have a talk with me? Maybe if he had, I wouldn't have been in such a rush to do it with Matt Reich.
But I thought you said it was amazing.
Oh, it totally was.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Really? Yeah, okay.
You, too.
Bye.
Oh my God! Kyle wants me to come over tonight.
He quit the ring club.
No way.
Sorry, Karen Uzel.
Looks like I'm going to lose my virginity before you do.
Um, actually Look, I know you told me something and I betrayed your trust.
So, it's only fair that I'm going to tell you something, and you could tell it to whoever you want.
What is it? I love you.
What else you got? Come on, that was cute.
What, are you going to stay mad at me forever? If you think about it, I've done a lot worse.
Mom's gonna get some, Mom's gonna get some What is it? What's wrong? Did you change your mind again? Oh, no, no, no.
It's just, uh, you know, if we're going to do this I want to see what's going on.
Kyle? Yeah.
I love you.
You do? Well no, not-not really.
It's okay.
It's all right.
No, uh it's not.
Actually, my dad made some really good points.
I'm going to wait until I find someone that I really, really love and who really, really loves me.
Or at least someone who knows what they're doing.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on? Nothing, Dad, okay? Okay.
What was that for? Nothing.
Nothing? There had to be a reason.
Don't worry about it, Dad.
It's okay.
Tell your mother.
I'll find out from her later.
What's up, Kenny? Larry's not here.
He and Marla went out.
So, what are you doing? Watching TV.
Alone.
Hey, Mike, why don't you take Kenny upstairs and show him that new video game.
Yeah, that's going to happen.
I love figure skating.
It's called hockey.
You do have other friends besides Larry, right? Of course.
Not really.
Well, maybe you should think about making another friend, you know.
Someone to hang out with when Larry's not available, you know? Like now.
You're right, I should.
There you go.
Maybe I'll make a bunch of new friends.
I think one's a good target, Kenny.
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