The Windsors (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

You're to be exiled to America and you have to wear this.
- Why? - They don't want you going on any more chat shows.
This is for you.
I made it in a Latvian mental hospital.
Face it, Daddy, we've outgrown our usefulness like nipples on men.
I'm as important as a nipple on a woman.
Give the people of Britain a referendum, on the abolition of the monarchy.
Following Prince William's dramatic broadcast last week, David Cameron has announced a referendum for a month today, on the future of the monarchy.
Republican support has been running high, with Duchy Original water biscuits and shortbreads being publicly burned.
Explaining his decision, the Prime Minister said -- Relations between Prince William and his father are said to be cordial.
You little shit, you've ruined everything.
You could still wave out the back of a car, just don't expect anyone to wave back.
Call Cameron now and stop this nonsense.
It's what I believe.
You can't ask me to do that any more than I can ask Dad to stop using traditional hedge-laying methods.
The British people need someone to look up to.
They think you're ridiculous.
If I'm so ridiculous, how come I've got these medals? Wouldn't you rather just get a job? Waiting to be king is a job.
No, it's not.
Well, someone's paying me 19 million quid a year to do something.
Do you really want to take us on? We've got the whole of the British establishment behind us.
The armed forces, MI5, the Dimblebys.
What have you got? The National Union of Teachers.
We've got something much bigger on our side -- justice.
And the gypsies.
Try running this country without clothes pegs.
So, it's war, then.
Me against you.
Well, may the best man win.
Pippa.
Oh, breakfast in bed? And, er, I made you this.
Oh, Harry, and you kept it within the lines.
Oh, there's something in the marmalade.
- Harry? - Pippa .
.
will you marry me? Yes! Oh, Harry.
Can we have a bigger wedding than Kate's with gold carriages and massive crowds and a special commemorative mug? Actually, so long as I'm with you, I'll be happy with a small country church and a Red Arrows fly-past.
Oh.
- You've had a letter from the Duke of Edinburgh.
- Grandad.
Read it.
"What the fuck are you playing at? "Of course we've got to have a fucking monarchy.
"I can't go back to hiring out pissing pedalos in Corfu at my age.
"My fucking knees have gone.
" File it with the others.
Harry, you're late.
- Well, only an hour.
- Two days and an hour.
It doesn't matter.
First job for you, what should the exact phrasing of the referendum question be? Oh, tricky.
I've got it.
People say yes or no to the statement, "We think the monarchy "is a big bucket of gentlemen's goo and should fuck right off.
" Well, that way, we get positive associations with the words fuck and gentlemen's goo.
OK.
How about two boxes, one with keep and one with abolish? Brilliant.
That's why, one day, you're going to make a great king.
Erm Harry, thanks for joining us.
The public love you.
Apparently they respond to the fact I don't give a fuck.
Oo-er.
By the way, while you're here, try not to shag anyone.
Oh, I wouldn't anyway, I'm engaged.
That's wonderful news.
Who to? - Pippa.
- What? Oh, fantastic, isn't it, Wills? Ya, yeah, very good.
So, er, this is the HQ? I'm determined to do this without taking any public money so we've got to keep the cost down.
Yeah, but how come we're all crammed in here when you've got another three floors? Carpets.
Oh.
Finished -- my ideal British high street.
Thought you were working on your speech for the TV debate.
Oh, that'll be fine.
This is what we're fighting for -- the baker selling my delicious Cornish biscuits, the architect espousing the ideals of 15th-century Tuscany and of course, the vast statue of me bestriding the town like a benign colossus.
Is that all you've been doing for the last four days, you miserable fuckwit? Well, lucky one of us knows what it takes to win these things and I've got an ace up my sleeve, or should I say, in their camp.
Mum! Hello, girls, I've come back to join Will's campaign.
But the Duke of Edinburgh will kill you when he finds you in Britain.
And I thought you liked all the royal stuff.
Well, I don't owe the monarchy anything.
All I've ever had from them is heartache.
And the 16-acre gated estate in Surrey.
Well, I think it's great.
Welcome aboard.
But what are you doing up here? Oh, er, I thought I heard the ghost of Princess Margaret.
Well, the chandeliers clinking can sound like someone lugging up - a crate of brown ale.
- Yeah, that'll be it.
You shouldn't be here The carpets.
Well, if you think that maintaining the integrity of the carpets is more important than establishing proof of the paranormal, then good luck to you.
Tonight, in the first of two televised debates, Prince Charles and Prince William will argue for and against the abolition of the monarchy.
The opinion polls are neck and neck but there are still three weeks to go before the nation decides.
If the referendum is a tie, the decision will be made by Strictly Come Dancing's Len Goodman.
Seven.
How are you doing, babykins? I'm loving it, going round normal people's houses again.
Only instead of tarmacking their drives, I'm trying to persuade them to abolish the monarchy.
Hi, guys.
I just wanted to say thanks again for making me media rep, even though my latest business -- letting myself be experimented on for medical research -- was doing really well.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, this won't do at all.
I did train with Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- Uncle Edward - By the way, I don't think you're going to get - too many hard questions tonight.
- Why? I bribed the chairman, David Frost.
But David Frost died three years ago.
Oh, bollocks, who did I just give 60,000 quid to? Oi, you! Oi! Don't worry, darling, you'll be great.
Shit! Do the candidates agree that the monarchy provides valuable checks and balances in our democracy? Well, thank you for your question, Rex.
It's Samantha.
Oh, do forgive me, only I have a cocker spaniel called Rex, who looks exactly like you, although unlike you, he can't speak.
Well, he can say, "Ruff", by which I don't think he's referring to the Elizabethan collar-type arrangement made famous by Sir Walter Raleigh.
No, I think he wants his dinner.
Er, or tea, as you would probably say.
Well, that's your time, Prince Charles.
Prince Wills, your answer, please.
Well, Samantha, it's supposed to be a check but the royal veto hasn't been used for 300 years and do you really want the checks and balances to be provided by an unelected family of unqualified aristocrats? And you, sir, what do you do? I'm a plumber.
Well, you're more skilled than me.
I mean, why shouldn't you be king? I'm going to be King! Why not? If he was King, maybe he'd do some of the renovations to Buckingham Palace himself and save you lot 150 million quid.
This will be us in a couple of weeks.
The first ladies' debate.
And you've had so little experience of television, but then it must be hard getting reception in a caravan.
But that's the advantage of living in a house with wheels.
You can tow it to an area with perfect reception.
And I've done plenty of debating, arguing with the Council.
I think you'll find dealing with me in front of 30 million people quite different to shouting at a bailiff through a little window.
85 pence.
Correct, that is exactly the price of a loaf of Kingsmill thick slice.
And now on to you, Prince Charles.
I say, would you mind awfully addressing me as Sir? It's a little less formal.
OK, Sir, how much is a pint of milk? Ha-ha, well, this is a trick question, isn't it? Cos milk of course doesn't come in pints, it comes in little china jugs.
I do wish you'd say something, darling.
I don't know why I went in to the dance.
Nerves, probably.
And then lifting up my kilt, I was so sure I was wearing my gunties.
They will pixellate it on the news, won't they? Too late, it's already out there.
So is it time to stick the Picassos in the U-boat and head for Paraguay? No, if there's one thing my Swiss finishing school taught me, is that when the going gets tough, the tough start stamping on people's throats and fucking them up.
Hello, Pippa.
I'm sorry, I don't buy dishcloths at the door.
May I? What are you doing here? You know the pubs are open.
You know, Pippa, we're the same, you and I.
We both know what we want.
I want power - .
.
you want to shaft your sister big style.
- What do you mean? Kate's always been the special one, hasn't she? No matter how many triathlons you run, how many parties you organise, how many columns you write for Waitrose magazine, you'll always be second best.
I don't care about any of that now.
All I care about is marrying Harry.
Oh, yes, Prince Harry -- the fun prince.
All the money and all the status but without ever having to meet Theresa May.
Sadly, it doesn't look as if Harry's going to be a prince much longer.
I wouldn't care if he just worked in an office.
An office? He can barely hang on to his job in the charity shop.
But, if Harry were to switch sides He's so popular, he might just turn things around, and then you'd get a proper royal wedding with a dress that'd really show off your arse.
Who'd pay for something like that? The great British scum will.
The tax-paying sheep.
The One Show-watching zombies.
What happened to you? The 1970s.
Shall we talk? What a week.
How are we doing, Edward? Huh? Oh, er 16 points ahead with a week to go.
Well, let's not count our chickens, but any of you guys thought what you'd do if we win? Well, I'm going to go back to modelling.
I was on the cover of Tatler, you know.
But that was when you were a princess.
I don't think that will make a difference.
No.
No.
How about you? What are you going to do for money, Fergs? Oh, I'll probably just prostitute myself in America.
You mean, hit the chat show circuit? Oh, yeah, that's, erm a possibility as well, yeah.
Well, I can't wait for the monarchy to be abolished.
You don't know what it's like being a zero hours contract royal, turning up to open a hospital and seeing the look of disappointment on people's faces.
Mind you, I will miss the privy purse.
I love it when that cheque comes in.
'These people can't survive in the real world.
'It's like freeing budgies.
'The first cat they meet's going to rip their guts out.
'Can I really do this to my own family?' You have to! Oliver Cromwell? The chap who started a republic? Why are you here? To tell you, you must put the country before your family.
A hereditary ruler is wrong.
I thought you made your son Lord Protector after you? He was the best man for the job.
Now, it's a wonderful thing you're doing, Wills, - and I don't often say that to royalty.
- Thanks, Oliver Cromwell.
Oh, before you go, there are a number of women I've identified as witches and I'd like you to burn them.
One -- Anne Robinson.
Two -- Davina McCall.
Three -- the Loose Women team I don't think they're witches.
Aren't they just strong women? Yeah.
Four -- Kirstie Allsopp.
Five -- Claudia Winkleman.
Six -- Adele.
Seven -- Mary Berry.
Eight -- Paula Radcliffe We're almost there.
One last push, and remember what we're fighting for, for a country based on talent and merit, not just who happened to ejaculate up your mum! Thank you.
And now here he is, the most popular of all the soon to be ex-royals, my brother, we all love him, it's Harry Windsor.
We love you! Er, no, no autocue.
And not just because I can't read.
This comes from the heart.
Wills, this campaign has been amazing, but it's a mistake.
Britain needs kings and queens.
What would happen to the tourist industry? Who'll want to come to Britain if we're not here? No-one.
Harry! And what about the people who collect plates with our faces on? What happens to them? What happens to them? Now, think about what you're doing.
This isn't a general election, this actually matters.
If it's not broke, why fix it? Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! What have you done? I came here to support the abolish campaign, but Harry makes some very good points.
I agree, Alec.
It's no' broke, so why are we fixing it? And who will want to come to Britain if there's no monarchy? And let's not forget my incomplete collection of plates.
Why did you do it, Harry? You know how important you are to this campaign.
- It's what I believe.
- You're lying.
Has someone got to you? What makes you think I'm lying? You've got a tell.
No, I always lose control of my bladder when I've had 14 pints.
Problem, darling? Is this your doing? Harry came to the decision on his own.
Yah.
After three blowies.
Just going to change my trousers.
Is this revenge because I refused to sleep with you when Kate had Ebola? Don't flatter yourself.
I'm doing this so I'll become a princess too.
But one who doesn't have her simpering head stuck up her own arse.
Why do you hate your sister so much? I'll tell you why.
Now, I can only take one of ya to see the horses being boiled up to make glue and because Kate's been so good, I'm taking her.
No!!! So that's why Kate vomits when she uses a Pritt Stick.
She's had everything on a plate ever since.
I feel sorry for you, Pippa.
Well, don't.
I'm going to marry your brother, the prince who's a laugh, and I'm going to shit all over my sister.
You really going to do this First Ladies debate, darling? Since Harry defected, we're ahead.
We've got it all to lose.
A five-point lead isn't enough.
I want to grind them into the dirt.
I just need one final knockout punch.
I might be able to help you with that.
Fergie! About time you came up with something.
Give.
Yes, but I have a condition.
Yes, impulse control disorder.
No.
I want to be part of this family again.
I want to come to Balmoral for Christmas.
Don't be absurd.
You know what happens when you're around that much eggnog.
Kew Palace for St Swithin's.
Windsor Castle for Easter.
Highgrove for Whitsun.
St James's Palace for Pancake Day.
Clarence House for Chinese New Year.
- Clarence House for Halloween.
- Done.
And we have a big '80s disco.
Oh, just hand it over.
So, Kate, if you'd like to give us your opening statement about the abolition of the monarchy.
Thank you, David.
As a gypsy and a princess, - I'm in a unique position to - I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have some documents in my possession that prove categorically that Kate Middleton is a murderer.
It's not true.
But these are photographs of your own diary.
You broke into my room.
"Today I murdered a man" This is your handwriting.
Yes, but it wasn't like that.
Does Wills know? No.
So you're a liar as well as a murderer.
But this is what happens when you let tinkers into the royal line.
Vote to keep the monarchy, but let's make sure that her and her kind are never let anywhere near it! What did you just call me? You heard me.
Tinker! Oooh! You see? She's trying to murder me now! Interesting stuff.
And if you'd like to tweet us on that, it's hashtag #katemiddletonmurderer.
Murder? You murdered a man? It was my gap year.
I needed cash for Bestival so I did some bare-knuckle fighting.
I don't know who you are any more.
You're right, I should've told you, but I was worried you wouldn't marry me if you knew I was a murderer.
I'm not sure I would have.
Can you forgive me? Wills? Oh, when you look at me like that, I could forgive you anything.
But the campaign, I've destroyed it.
The polls open in the morning and we're 88 points behind.
Let's just hope they look at the issues and not at the personalities.
I still don't understand how they got the information.
Oh, hello, girls.
Wasn't it a shame about Kate being a murderer? Oh, come off it, Mummy! You grassed her up.
- What? - That's what you were doing in her room.
You weren't trying to prove the existence of the paranormal at all.
I could smell Princess Margaret's fags.
You took those photos.
You're the only titled person in Britain that still has a Nokia.
All right, it's true.
I'm sorry, girls, but Camilla said I'd be part of the family again.
I can't go back to America, they don't show Hollyoaks there.
- Could've sent you a DVD.
- I like to watch it live.
You could've watched it live on the internet.
Oh, yeah.
An illegal streaming site.
Oh, I've ruined everything, haven't I? I'm just a big old stupid mess.
Oh, come here, Mummy.
Oh Look at the instant reaction.
We've seen them off once and for all.
No matter how much the public hate you, no matter how much the public hate us, there is nothing your treacherous twat of a son can do.
The sheep have spoken.
Morning, Fred.
- Morning, Terry.
- Morning, Your Majesty.
If only you'd been made king 50 years ago, we might still have an empire.
Well, that's not for me to say, but I'm fairly sure the Tottenham riots wouldn't have happened.
Sir, I think it's marvellous how you've solved the deficit.
Well, when people saw how handsome I was, they thought they'd better buck up their ideas and get the economy more Sir, my dog, he keeps shitting all over the flat.
Shall I bring him to ya? Don't worry, I'll cure him from here.
There.
Now he'll only do his business outside.
You're the best king ever, ever, ever Don't shit anywhere 'Early exit polls are showing an unprecedented turn-out 'and a landslide win for the Keep the Monarchy campaign.
' Harry, you're on the other side now, remember? I know, I just wanted to be with you when the results come in, if that's all right.
Of course.
You've never stayed up all night to watch an election before, have you? No, I'm really looking forward to it.
Well, an astonishing result, a complete turnaround from what the polls were predicting.
It's a win for the Abolish campaign.
The British monarchy is no more.
Oh, my God, we've won.
They've forgiven me for being a murderer.
They know you'd only kill in exceptional circumstances.
I did really want to go to Bestival.
Oh, Kate, we've done it.
I can be a helicopter pilot, or an estate agent, or anything I want to be.
And I can go to book group and drink white wine, and pass off opinions I found on the internet as my own.
We're going to be so happy.
Harry? - Pippa.
- We need to talk.
- About what? - I know what she's here for.
Now you're not going to be a prince, she's going to chuck you, throw you out like a slightly whiffy sports bra.
Harry, I came here to tell you that Well, I don't care if you're a prince or a pauper, I love you.
And I want to marry you.
Oh, Pippa.
Oh, Pippa, we're going to be sisters AND sisters-in-law! We'll be almost as inbred as these two! 'I wonder how Dad's taking the abolition.
' I know it looks bad, darling, but whatever happens, we've still got each other.
Are you deliberately trying to piss me off? This is only temporary.
Those two haven't seen the last of us.