The Wizards of Aus (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
The Ballad of Baby Bones
1 (serious music) - Sticks and stones may break my bones but this story may break your heart.
Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of No Nonsense.
This past month has been dominated by a single story, the fate of one little boy, Baby Bones.
The product of a dark wizard's curse, Baby Bones was rejected by his biological parents simply because he was born without skin.
On tonight's episode we take an exclusive look at the life of Baby Bones and his adoptive parents.
A Channel Bueno exclusive, let's take a look.
- Me and Harry had been trying for a baby ever since the wedding, but it just wasn't happening.
Adoption seemed like the only way for us to have a real family.
And the orphanage just broke our hearts.
So many beautiful children who needed the loving care of parents.
But there was one child who needed love more than any other.
That child was Baby Bones.
- Yep.
- [Deborah.]
It's been a little over two months since the couple adopted the innocent child, unaware of the celebrity status the media had cruelly forced upon him.
- We would like to go up.
- Hopefully.
- Baby Bones get down from there.
(screeching) That's our Baby Bones.
(phone ringing) - Hello this is the mobile telephone of Jack.
May I ask to whom that I speak? - Hey Jack, I'm at the studio already.
Where are you? - I'm sitting in my motorized vehicle in a seemingly endless queue of other motorized vehicles, and it is boring and it feels natural and it just feels right.
- Okay yeah, they have run the Baby Bones retrospective.
- Oh fuck.
- Oh fuck is right Jack.
Look, wizards aren't in the public's good graces right now and if you don't get to this interview on time, Quinn is gonna tear you a new one.
Are you sure you can't get here any faster? They've got fish and chips.
- I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck in a traffic jam.
Fuck okay, so Baby Bones has reared his ugly head again.
Did the show make us look that bad? - Of course his life would be easier with skin.
Of course I wish those damned awful wizards hadn't cursed an innocent child to live without skin.
But he's my Baby Bones.
I wouldn't change him for the world.
Excuse me.
Baby Bones stop eating the cat this instant! (screeching) - Look um, I'm not gonna lie.
Hilde was more on the Baby Bones bandwagon, the triple B.
However, I love my wife.
And now I love my son.
My son who is a Baby Bones.
Nutritionists weren't quite sure what would sustain Baby Bones, but after some research into the occult, Hilde and I discovered that he really likes something we like to call four blood salad.
Basically you take the blood from an animal, put that in a bowl, and you take the blood from another animal, put that in a bowl.
Followed by two more types of blood.
A little pinch of nutmeg, give it a stir, and you've got yourself a salad.
It's actually a recipe from Curtis Stone's new book.
It's a weird shift from his previous books.
- Aww, my two boys.
(screeching and squealing) - I was hoping they had forgotten about Baby Bones.
I mean well that's it.
I'm fucked.
I'm completely, utterly, shittingly fucked.
- Just get here ASAP Jack.
- I'm stuck in fucking traffic.
- Technically you're not in traffic, you are traffic.
What possessed you? - What possessed you to turn that baby into a bones? I mean of all your plans to fuck me, that one's fucking me rotten.
It's fucking me frontways.
It's fucking me sideways.
Thanks to you I'm pretty much a big soggy fuckbag of cum.
- Well you're very welcome, Jack.
I don't do that for everyone.
- And now on the one nationwide interview that I've booked, my one chance to redeem myself, I'm gonna miss it 'cause I'm stuck in traffic.
- Aw yeah I heard there was a big accident up there.
It's caused all this traffic.
Also I saw it.
Also I did it.
(laughing) Why don't you just teleport there? I mean use a bit of, you know, as the French say they'd just say magic wouldn't they? I mean they're French.
They're people.
They're fucked but they're people.
- Or I could just sit down like a civilized person and wait.
- Because you're an idiot.
And just to show you how idiot you are, I'm gonna skip across the globe.
Excuse me.
I'm back.
Gee whiz I had a lot of fun.
Glad I'm not stuck in traffic like a bloody drongo.
Oh and by the way, the rain in Spain falls mainly on nothin' 'cause I evaporated Spain.
It's gone.
Cha cha.
No jamon for you.
That's Spanish ham.
Fuckin' buy it in a Safeway.
Buy a whole leg into your cart now.
- We love you Baby Bones! - He may not have skin, but certainly he has fans.
- I love his bones.
- If I have a baby, I'm gonna rip off all his skin too.
- Appeared on tee shirts, mugs, his hip-hop single, or the wildly successful line of children's toys.
â« Baby Bones Baby Bones Schmampftz â« - Baby Bones merchandise is a must-have accessory for kids this summer.
- I like Baby Bones because he doesn't listen to teachers.
(screaming) - I love those bones! - Baby Bones has become a media darling.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Pottinger have faced harsh scrutiny, forcing their child to undergo a life-threatening procedure to have its bones surgically removed.
Needless to say, Baby Skin has failed to capture the imagination of the Australian public.
But is it all too much? Child Psychologist and mother of four, Miranda Merhtens believes Baby Bones should be Baby Left Alones.
- I just don't think it's healthy that the youth of our country is so obsessed with what is objectively a spooky, scary skeleton.
- And do you have any words tonight for all those fans watching you? (screeching) - All your skins shall cast asunder and all that will remain will be bones! (laughing) - What a darling little trooper.
- He may not look like a normal baby.
But he's an extraordinary Baby Bones.
- [Deborah.]
And what do you think of the media's obsession with your Baby Bones? - I consider it an invasion of my family's privacy.
I beg of everyone please, stop making my family into a media circus.
(disturbing rasping and whispering) - Well we thank you for letting our crew into your home.
- Oh you're welcome.
It's been my pleasure.
(horns honking) - Whew these Cubans are delicious.
Cigar's not bad either.
Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak.
Seriously bud, I ate a lot of Cuban people.
And most of them were delicious, except Diego.
- Shut up! I'm trying to listen to this interview that I am missing.
- [Voiceover.]
Talk about Jack the Ripper, Ripoff.
Jack the Ripoff.
This is typical.
This is the mark of a coward.
They're good aren't they.
You create a level playing field.
And he hasn't got the guts to turn up.
Why? What's he hiding? It's disrespectful to your wonderful listeners whom I adore.
It is rude, crude, it's kangarooed.
It's absolutely fair dinkum, unfair dinkum.
He's a dirty, rotten coward.
This is appalling, Paul Hogan.
(screech snoring) - And now for some unfortunate news.
Since we recorded that episode, there have been some alarming developments in the Baby Bones saga.
Two days ago, Baby Bones's adoptive father Harry Swinton disappeared.
While no full body has been recovered, his undamaged skin has been found in the crawlspace beneath the family home.
The whereabouts of Baby Bones is currently Baby Unknowns.
However the police have released this security footage taken from a mechanic's mere blocks from the Swinton residence.
(creepy music) Baby Bones is considered at large and dangerous.
Here at Channel Bueno, we strongly urge all our viewers to keep children and pigs inside, doors and windows firmly fastened, and please lock up your bones.
(reporters shouting at man on television) - I have no official comment tonight.
But I will say this, this latest business, the quadruple B, the bigger Baby Bones business, this is disgusting.
It sticks in my craw.
They've gone too far this time.
They went too far the other times as well.
But this time they've gone even further.
It's time for us to do a little bit of magic and make the bastards disappear next Saturday at the ballot box.
We've had enough! - I'm totally boned.
(screeching) (gentle music)
Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of No Nonsense.
This past month has been dominated by a single story, the fate of one little boy, Baby Bones.
The product of a dark wizard's curse, Baby Bones was rejected by his biological parents simply because he was born without skin.
On tonight's episode we take an exclusive look at the life of Baby Bones and his adoptive parents.
A Channel Bueno exclusive, let's take a look.
- Me and Harry had been trying for a baby ever since the wedding, but it just wasn't happening.
Adoption seemed like the only way for us to have a real family.
And the orphanage just broke our hearts.
So many beautiful children who needed the loving care of parents.
But there was one child who needed love more than any other.
That child was Baby Bones.
- Yep.
- [Deborah.]
It's been a little over two months since the couple adopted the innocent child, unaware of the celebrity status the media had cruelly forced upon him.
- We would like to go up.
- Hopefully.
- Baby Bones get down from there.
(screeching) That's our Baby Bones.
(phone ringing) - Hello this is the mobile telephone of Jack.
May I ask to whom that I speak? - Hey Jack, I'm at the studio already.
Where are you? - I'm sitting in my motorized vehicle in a seemingly endless queue of other motorized vehicles, and it is boring and it feels natural and it just feels right.
- Okay yeah, they have run the Baby Bones retrospective.
- Oh fuck.
- Oh fuck is right Jack.
Look, wizards aren't in the public's good graces right now and if you don't get to this interview on time, Quinn is gonna tear you a new one.
Are you sure you can't get here any faster? They've got fish and chips.
- I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck in a traffic jam.
Fuck okay, so Baby Bones has reared his ugly head again.
Did the show make us look that bad? - Of course his life would be easier with skin.
Of course I wish those damned awful wizards hadn't cursed an innocent child to live without skin.
But he's my Baby Bones.
I wouldn't change him for the world.
Excuse me.
Baby Bones stop eating the cat this instant! (screeching) - Look um, I'm not gonna lie.
Hilde was more on the Baby Bones bandwagon, the triple B.
However, I love my wife.
And now I love my son.
My son who is a Baby Bones.
Nutritionists weren't quite sure what would sustain Baby Bones, but after some research into the occult, Hilde and I discovered that he really likes something we like to call four blood salad.
Basically you take the blood from an animal, put that in a bowl, and you take the blood from another animal, put that in a bowl.
Followed by two more types of blood.
A little pinch of nutmeg, give it a stir, and you've got yourself a salad.
It's actually a recipe from Curtis Stone's new book.
It's a weird shift from his previous books.
- Aww, my two boys.
(screeching and squealing) - I was hoping they had forgotten about Baby Bones.
I mean well that's it.
I'm fucked.
I'm completely, utterly, shittingly fucked.
- Just get here ASAP Jack.
- I'm stuck in fucking traffic.
- Technically you're not in traffic, you are traffic.
What possessed you? - What possessed you to turn that baby into a bones? I mean of all your plans to fuck me, that one's fucking me rotten.
It's fucking me frontways.
It's fucking me sideways.
Thanks to you I'm pretty much a big soggy fuckbag of cum.
- Well you're very welcome, Jack.
I don't do that for everyone.
- And now on the one nationwide interview that I've booked, my one chance to redeem myself, I'm gonna miss it 'cause I'm stuck in traffic.
- Aw yeah I heard there was a big accident up there.
It's caused all this traffic.
Also I saw it.
Also I did it.
(laughing) Why don't you just teleport there? I mean use a bit of, you know, as the French say they'd just say magic wouldn't they? I mean they're French.
They're people.
They're fucked but they're people.
- Or I could just sit down like a civilized person and wait.
- Because you're an idiot.
And just to show you how idiot you are, I'm gonna skip across the globe.
Excuse me.
I'm back.
Gee whiz I had a lot of fun.
Glad I'm not stuck in traffic like a bloody drongo.
Oh and by the way, the rain in Spain falls mainly on nothin' 'cause I evaporated Spain.
It's gone.
Cha cha.
No jamon for you.
That's Spanish ham.
Fuckin' buy it in a Safeway.
Buy a whole leg into your cart now.
- We love you Baby Bones! - He may not have skin, but certainly he has fans.
- I love his bones.
- If I have a baby, I'm gonna rip off all his skin too.
- Appeared on tee shirts, mugs, his hip-hop single, or the wildly successful line of children's toys.
â« Baby Bones Baby Bones Schmampftz â« - Baby Bones merchandise is a must-have accessory for kids this summer.
- I like Baby Bones because he doesn't listen to teachers.
(screaming) - I love those bones! - Baby Bones has become a media darling.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Pottinger have faced harsh scrutiny, forcing their child to undergo a life-threatening procedure to have its bones surgically removed.
Needless to say, Baby Skin has failed to capture the imagination of the Australian public.
But is it all too much? Child Psychologist and mother of four, Miranda Merhtens believes Baby Bones should be Baby Left Alones.
- I just don't think it's healthy that the youth of our country is so obsessed with what is objectively a spooky, scary skeleton.
- And do you have any words tonight for all those fans watching you? (screeching) - All your skins shall cast asunder and all that will remain will be bones! (laughing) - What a darling little trooper.
- He may not look like a normal baby.
But he's an extraordinary Baby Bones.
- [Deborah.]
And what do you think of the media's obsession with your Baby Bones? - I consider it an invasion of my family's privacy.
I beg of everyone please, stop making my family into a media circus.
(disturbing rasping and whispering) - Well we thank you for letting our crew into your home.
- Oh you're welcome.
It's been my pleasure.
(horns honking) - Whew these Cubans are delicious.
Cigar's not bad either.
Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak.
Seriously bud, I ate a lot of Cuban people.
And most of them were delicious, except Diego.
- Shut up! I'm trying to listen to this interview that I am missing.
- [Voiceover.]
Talk about Jack the Ripper, Ripoff.
Jack the Ripoff.
This is typical.
This is the mark of a coward.
They're good aren't they.
You create a level playing field.
And he hasn't got the guts to turn up.
Why? What's he hiding? It's disrespectful to your wonderful listeners whom I adore.
It is rude, crude, it's kangarooed.
It's absolutely fair dinkum, unfair dinkum.
He's a dirty, rotten coward.
This is appalling, Paul Hogan.
(screech snoring) - And now for some unfortunate news.
Since we recorded that episode, there have been some alarming developments in the Baby Bones saga.
Two days ago, Baby Bones's adoptive father Harry Swinton disappeared.
While no full body has been recovered, his undamaged skin has been found in the crawlspace beneath the family home.
The whereabouts of Baby Bones is currently Baby Unknowns.
However the police have released this security footage taken from a mechanic's mere blocks from the Swinton residence.
(creepy music) Baby Bones is considered at large and dangerous.
Here at Channel Bueno, we strongly urge all our viewers to keep children and pigs inside, doors and windows firmly fastened, and please lock up your bones.
(reporters shouting at man on television) - I have no official comment tonight.
But I will say this, this latest business, the quadruple B, the bigger Baby Bones business, this is disgusting.
It sticks in my craw.
They've gone too far this time.
They went too far the other times as well.
But this time they've gone even further.
It's time for us to do a little bit of magic and make the bastards disappear next Saturday at the ballot box.
We've had enough! - I'm totally boned.
(screeching) (gentle music)