The Young Ones (1982) s01e05 Episode Script

Once in every lifetime Comes a love like this Oh, I need you, you need me, Oh, my darling, can't you see? Darling, we're the Young Ones The Young Ones (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid To live, love There's a song to be sung 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones very long Come on, Neil, stick it on the fridge.
Michael'll be here any minute.
No, wrong direction.
Fridge! Just stick it up on the top.
On the top.
Quickly! - Oh, terrific (!) - The whole back's come off.
That's Michael's television, you Well, what do you think, Mike? Pretty tidy, eh? Not a bad job.
Seeing as how it took 16 hours of continuous hard labour without help from certain unnamed people, i.
e.
Vyvyan and Neil.
- I resent that.
- Oh, shut up, you never stop talking! - That's what stopped us working! - All right, all right, it's not bad at all.
(MIKE) Ah-ah! What's that? - (Vyvyan!) - Er, that's Vyvyan's job.
And making the punch.
He's only doing two jobs 'cause he hasn't got many friends.
He's got loads of friends! Yes, but apparently he doesn't like any of them.
Is that why you haven't done anything, Neil? 'Cause you haven't got any friends? - You know I've got a friend! - Oh, really? Yes, really, and he's gonna be here very soon.
Well, he better hurry if he doesn't wanna miss the party.
15 minutes and counting.
15 minutes? Look, this is Vyvyan's job! We're never going to be ready in time! I'm right here! I thought the vacuum looked a bit weak so I souped it up a bit.
That's very good, Vyvyan.
Although, it could be very bad.
Depends how you look at it.
Not so good if you're a bit of dirt, but who is? Shall I do it, then? That seems the only reasonable course.
(ENGINE ROARS INTO ACTION) (ENGINE STOPS) That's absolutely brilliant! You can't get any cleaner than that! - You've destroyed a section of the floor.
- Cleaned it, Michael.
We can quibble over terms.
Suffice it to say, that is one hell of a sucker.
- And I don't mean it's easily fooled.
- It certainly can suck! Stop it! It's stopped! The bag must be full.
Thought so.
I better empty it.
- No! - Oh, wow! Neil! Nice one, man! I haven't seen you since Glastonbury.
How are you? Well, I've just been sucked up by a vacuum cleaner.
Then someone tried to knife me, but apart from that, - really terrible, actually.
- Bummer! Yeah.
Have you got any decent food? Neil, who is this? What is it doing? Oh, this is Neil, Rick, Rick, Neil.
Just don't bring him down - It's a hippie, isn't it? - Yeah.
This isn't a youth hostel, you know! Neil, my barely adequate psychic defences are crumbling! Look, just tell it to get out! This is worse than my birthday! (JAZZ PIANO ) - You lookin' for me? - Hey, big boy, lookin' for action? I'm dyin' for a coffee, it would save my life.
You wanna drink with me? It helps you forforget.
I been picked up by the cops So many times gone by They grill ya for an hour And they say you're gonna fry-y-y I been skinned alive and purified And cut up with a knife, oh, I've just got to ketchup with my life - Where is he? - Probably shopping for decent food.
- You've vapourised my only friend, right? - No, I haven't.
That is the domestic equivalent of a black hole.
You are not to use it.
- But - You're not to use it! Poof.
(MALE AND FEMALE GROAN) - How was it for you, darling? - Electric! Don't eat the cornflakes, Rick, there's only one each! You haven't made the lentil nibbles! Oh, yeah, I know I mentioned the idea, like, in embryo, but I could only get wooden cocktail sticks and why should trees die for our party? Oh, and I suppose it's OK if a few hundred students die of starvation because you didn't do your share! There's plenty of henna dip, Rick.
(DOORBELL) It's only 7.
20! I don't know anyone that unfashionable! It can't be one of my friends 'cause, er, well, he's here, somewhere.
(RING) Oh, Christmas trees! If it's one of Vyvyan's friends, I shall show them the door! I should think they can see it already.
Oh, ha, ha, Neil! Big bloody joke! Hello! I come from God and he said AGH! Get off! My foot! Let me in! It's a miracle! Just a moment ago, I was a useless cripple! But now I can run and dance and skip! Oh, thank you, God! Thank you, baby Jesus! Look, what do you want? I come from the Archangel Gabriel.
Yes, he with wings of driven snow and eyes aflame! - I bring good news for mankind.
- Well, I'm afraid I don't believe in God.
How do you know his name, smartass?! Repent! Everyone, repent! Accept Jesus! I don't mean, ''Everyone except Jesus, repent.
'' I mean, ''Accept Jesus into your life and repent at the same time.
'' Have you said yes, hippie? Ohwell, I do a lot of yoga.
Come, brother, let us pray together.
Look, do you mind going? If we'd wanted you to come in, we might've said something like, ''Oh, hi, Christian, come in!'' But we didn't! So go take a running jump! No, thank you.
I'm going to sit right down here until we've all been saved.
- Ugh! - Oh, no! Don't look at me, I'm an agnostic! - The Day of Judgement is nigh! (MIKE) Day of Judgement? - Do I get a prize? - Agh! A locust! - I'm supposed to be an ant.
- Repent! OK, how about you and me and the 'oly Ghost go upstairs for a closer look at those moral understays, eh? This should get things going! (SLURPING) Beholdthe Beast! Hello.
- Now is the worrying time! - Yes, it is, rather.
- Woe! Woe! - Woewoe Armageddon and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
(THUNDERCLAP) (Woman ) FamineI PestilenceI DeathI And the other one (HORSES NEIGH) Is that a seagull? Famine, is that seagull a seagull? No, Pestilence, it's a dog.
A flying dog? Flying, er, catapult.
Flying catapult? - Erm - Oh, I'm famished! - So what's new? - Microchip technology.
Microchip technologyit's quite a a new thing, isn't it? Really There's nothing so boring as waiting for the Apocalypse.
Well, except for that film.
- What film? - ''Chitty Chitty Bang Bang''.
- There's bored for you.
- Oh, God, I'm bored.
God, I am bored.
(THUNDERCLAP) - Travel Scrabble, anybody? - No, put it over there with the others.
Sometimes God can be so unimaginative.
He's worried about his son, isn't he? - What? - He's a Born Again Christian.
Want a game of Travel Scrabble, Death? Death? You want a game of Travel Scrabble? - He's dead.
- I'll be dead soon if I don't eat.
How about a bloody sandwich? (THUNDERCLAP) See this? And I beheld a medium-sized group of people running around madly, waving their hands and shrieking, ''Twelve score oxen have spent over a year in the same field!'' Well, that's typical! Five minutes to go till the most important party of my life and the house has been wrecked by a gigantic sandwich! Well, at least it means there'll be something to eat now.
- Eugh! - What? It's meat! Listen, get this cleared up before the guests arrive or you're in trouble! (DOORBELL RINGS) You're in trouble! - Who the hell are you? - Hi, Rick, we're here for the party.
It doesn't start for five minutes! I told you 7.
30! Are you calling me a liar? - We can go to the pub.
- That's right, piss off to the pub.
- I thought you were my friends.
- It's only five minutes.
''It's only five minutes!'' Tell that to Roger Bannister! - Roger, it's only five minutes.
- Oh, really? How interesting.
(DOORBELL) - Is this Mike's house? - He is a member of the commune, yes.
Oh, come in, then, make yourselves at bloody home! - It's a bit smelly! - Smells like a gents.
- Gent's what? - Wait, wait! Sit over there till the party's ready! Italian chair designers are so uncompromising now.
Yeah, looks like a sandwich.
What on earth do you think you're doing?! - Well - Just put that down! Three minutes to go! Are you an alcoholic or something?! This isn't a refugee camp! (DOORBELL) Stay there! Nobody move! Hi, girls.
Didn't hurt at all! Wanna see how many press-ups I can do? Christ's sake! Oh Hello, Dr Morrison! I didn't think you'd make it.
Oh, thanks.
I'm glad you did.
I've been meaning to talk to you about Trotsky.
I've got some trousers like yours.
Great, aren't they? - Yeah.
- Oh, look at me being stupid.
Come in.
- How did you get here? - In my car.
Huh, amazing! Ermdo you know everyone? Erm Can I get you a drink? - Yeah, beer.
- Right.
Small cup? Hi, John.
Hi, Sue.
Hi! Jim Morrison, Sociology.
Hey, nobody's drinking.
The party hasn't started yet.
Rick, has the party not started yet? Er, yes, yes, of course it has! I don't know what's wrong with you lot! First you don't want a drink, then you do! You're all completely potty! Here, get stuck into that lot! Oh, that's my flatmate, Vyvyan.
Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing? Shut up, you girl! (RICK LAUGHS LOUDLY) He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house! Last night, we were all watching the TV, it was a programme we liked, and we were just watching it and right in the middle, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, y'know.
Unless it's work or anything like that, you know.
Last Wednesday, we stayed up till 1 o'clock in the morning.
OK! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? OK! (MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY) Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining! You just watch your step, sonny! - Phew! - Pigs, huh! - Fascists! - Yeah! I'd really like to join the police! Shut up! - Eranyone got a straight? - A what? - A cigarette.
- Oh, sure.
Oh, great bag! It's great, isn't it? In here, are they? Look, it's tinted! Amazing! You've bought me a present! What is it? What do you do with it? No, don't tell me, don't tell me, I'll guess.
It's a telescope! A telescope with a mouse in it! Brilliant! Dumdy, dumdy, dumdy, dum! Hello, Rhiannon, are you glad you could come to the party? Have a drink, mousey! (RICK) Oh, it's gone all big.
I'll get a tissue, it's all right.
There's a whole box in here! They're called I think I'd better go to the lavatory.
- Is that the time? - No, the clock's broken.
The hands keep whizzing round fast.
It's only half past seven.
- Hi, Mike! - Not yet, but I soon will be! (TRUMPET NOISE) Hello! I must say, student parties are not what they used to be.
Oh, wow! This is so uncool! Wow! What is this stuff? Tobacco orPink Floyd? Cryogenics! Nice one, man! Let's see if it really works.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Is that the front door? No, the front door's in the hall.
- Hadn't someone better answer it? - I'll go and see what the question is! (LAUGHS) Go and see what the question is! That's marvellous! (BURPS) All right, mate! 'Ere, I'm sorry I ain't got no drink, I had some but I drank it all in the off-licence.
Tommy Balowski.
Look, I've told your cousin Jerzei and now I'm telling you, if I want trouble, I'll call the police.
Get lost! I am lost.
That's why I'm here.
- Can I use your toilet? - No.
- I thought not so I pissed in your garden.
- Go away! - Eh, you know me! - Oh, yeah.
Who am I? - You're you.
- Right.
Wanna make somethin' of it? I don't, but if you want a fight, Neil's in the lounge.
- Are you threatening me? - Are you looking for teeth in a basket? - There you are.
- Cheers, I've been looking for them.
- Looks like the party's started.
- I'm looking for my prince.
Maybe they're upstairs with my etchings, darling.
Please, this way! Look, Neil! Look, everybody! This is supposed to be a party! So for flip's sake start having fun! The pigs smashed the hi-fi, we've got no music.
No music, my braces! What about Rip, Rig and Panic? You're my kind of climate Swing lost paradise Your touch, your smell, you can tell, I ain't talkin' 'bout heaven or hell You're my kind of climate Swing lost paradise Met a Mexican in the kitchen Rule your life by the dice You got a crazy disposition And you always challenge tradition Better to travel than ever arrive Being together, side by side Lost in a climate called loneliness It's a crime of passion, deep repression What's that whisper in your blood? The heat within rising You're my kind of climate Swing lost paradise Your touch, your smell, you can tell I ain't talkin' bout heaven or hell You're my kind of climate Swing lost paradise Met a Mexican in the kitchen Rule your life by the dice Yeah.
OK.
Er, the pubs just closed so the rest of the guests should be here any moment.
(LOUD CHEERING, MUSIC) Hi, Fisher, what do you want to know? Better be ready for some angry vibes! Ah! Political activist, eh? - What's the last thing you blew up? - A rubber johnny, in the Union bar! It was hilarious, everybody thought so.
Yeah, look Next Tuesday, I'm gonna blow up a Panda in Croydon.
Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos! Who needs 'em? No, a police car, you terminal wally! - Oh, the pigs? - Bastards! Yeah! (SNORTS) Specially the few bad apples that spoil their spotless image.
If pigs could fly, Scotland Yard would be London's third airport! Here, listen.
I got everything ready.
All I need is a plan, a bomb and a dedicated accomplice.
Are you in? - You spilt your drink! - I know, I was getting bored.
Shall I get you another one? Cinzano? All right, matey? All right, I'll tell ya, I got ''war'' tattooed on this hand, and ''peace'' on this hand.
I got ''The Brothers Karamazov'' tattooed down me spine.
But you can't see that 'cause, erm, I got me shirt on, you know.
- Well, isn't it painful? - Nah, it's polyester and cotton.
No, I mean, like, having tattoos.
Nah! Naaaaah! Naaaah! Nah, nah, God bless ya, nah.
It's not painful, it's just like having red-hot needles stuck under your skin.
I once wrote a shopping list on the back of my hand.
- It was a stupid thing to do.
- Why? It was half-day closing.
- Are you a virgin? - No! No! I'm not asking, I'm just using it as a term of abuse.
You want your face flattened - Hi, Warlock! - Here, mate, get your lips round this.
Oh, oh, thanks, man.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, that's the front door.
I'll, er, I'll catch up with you in a minute.
All right, pal, I'll be looking for you Oh, no, what if it's the pigs? I'll just have to All right, mate? I'm, erquite friendly with Norman.
No, not Norman, what's his name? Dave.
No, Keith, yeah, Dogger, he's a mate of, er, Del's, Mitch, yeah.
Well, you know, more'n friendly, really.
I'm, er, his brother.
Oh, yeah, I'm his brother too! We was in a car crash together.
You know Chopper Chan, don't ya Not Chopper, Jen - Big Jen? Yeah? I'm his dad.
- Her dad.
- Yeah, her dad too.
- Well, her dad's cousins.
Cousins of who? All right! How you doing? (NEIL CHOKES) All right, see you later, then.
I must be losing my touch.
(Don't think we're gonna get in.
) (Think he's a hippie?) - Try something else, yeah? - All right.
You gonna let us in, or am I gonna have to call you an ambulance? Bloody hell! Have a bang of this number, man.
(GATECRASHER) Did you see that? (ASTRONAUT) This is just like that record by David Bowie.
- What? The Jean Genie? - YesI Hey, look, the Planet Earth is blue and there"s nothing we can do.
- Nice trip, man? - Far out, man.
Get down there! Are you frit? I ain't frit of nothin'! There's something down here already.
Cor, thanks, guv, I've been stuck down there since the late 19th Century.
Good evening.
My name's Philip and, er, this is Torquil.
Yeah, we was just looking for my tie-pin which an eagle stole when I was asleep.
- Santa, I'm free! - You what? Don't give us that Santa Claus routine.
We've known for some time now that he don't exist.
- What? - I'll tell you later.
Not for the last 100 years or so.
He's been stuck down there.
Look I'm getting well miffed with you.
You gonna get off or have I gotta open the medicine cupboard? How dare you! I'm a well-respected fictional character! - Expensive-looking dress, doll.
- It was a present from my godmother.
Would you like me to put my hand here? No, I have to go.
My stepsisters will be wondering where I am.
No, stay, doll, it's only just midnight.
What?! Doll? That's nothing! I kissed two girls on the lips last week! Lying toe-rag! Why ain't you pregnant, then? Well, I might be! But I don't care! I don't care if I live or die, mate! I had this friend, rightand he killed himself for the insurance money.
How much did he make? Nothing.
Only third party.
- I've just been wrecking the bathroom! - Ha! Terrific! - But it's your house, Vyv.
- Yeah, but it's a party, innit? Oh, hi! I'm Collins.
I'm from the Entertainment Committee and I was Hello, mate! Hello, my mate! - Sorry? - You and me against the world, mate! The bastards, eh? We'll get 'em, eh? 'Ere, come 'ere, come 'ere, come 'ere.
I'll tell ya something, right.
Between you and me, I think I'm gonna be sick! I've got a great idea! Why don't we set off all the fire extinguishers?! Yeah! No, wait! Back! Back! We haven't got any fire extinguishers.
Hi! I'm Colllns.
I'm from Ents and I've been asked to compile jokes for this year's Rag Mag.
Do you know any good jokes? It's for charity, you know.
Yeah! Here's a good one.
Here, you and you, put him on that stretcher, and put his feet in the fire.
You, bring me my surgical kit! I've thought of a great new party game! Dissection! You stay there! Scalpel! Down the chimney, you runt! Bloody students! (GATECRASHER) Help! - HELP! HELP! - Help, I'm stuck! Get me an aspirin! You seen my new girlfriend, with the expensive dress? I've made her a present.
I don't know! We're so decadent! - Ho-de-ho! Ho-de-ho! - Fascist! (THUD ON WALL) That'll be the neighbours! Shut up, you old witch! - Oh, dear, oh, dear! - Has something happened? I don't like people who stick blunt objects forcefully into my ear.
- It's terrible when that happens.
- Yeah, terrible.
Perhaps you'd like to help usbeat you up! Eh? Kill the hippie! (SCREAMING AND SHOUTING) STOP IT! YOU'RE ALL HOOLIGANS! Don't hit me! I'm a vegetarian, man! Oh! Oh, it was all a dream.
Fancy that.
Phew! Kill the hippieI Oh, no! This is the dream! (SCREAMING)