This is Jinsy (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
Nameworm
Poones.
Definition, the air found between moustache hairs.
42 points to me.
Any objections? No? Good.
Right.
Your go, Trince.
What? Your go, Trince.
"Welcome back to the Meat Draw.
" "Round 3, which is the rump teaser.
" Now, who can identify the mystery voice on this early recording? Listen.
(DOES CRACKLY RADIO IMPRESSION) Betti Jeven in Chalet 153.
Oh! Am I on? I pressed it by accident.
I'm going to have to hurry you.
Erm Couldn't I come inside? Just for one? No.
You'd drip everywhere.
Come on, what's your word? Feap.
F-E-A-P.
To jump over a tiny fence.
On the triple bonus.
No, you can't have the triple bonus.
Why not? Well, I'm going there next turn.
Mrs Jeven.
Mrs Jeven, could I have an answer, please? She's dead! What am I going to do? Well, you could solve the teaser or play your hot poker joker.
I'll do the teaser, please.
Is the answer Tree Marshal Winkins on Black Foursday, during the one day week? You're right! (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) I've never won anything before! (COMPUTER REPEATS "DEAD") Oh, look, sir, A resident's just ended.
You'll have to do a recycling.
In this weather? What idiot would go out in this? "Residents of Jinsy! Stand by your tesselators!" "Now is the time to sing, sing, sing!" (COUGHS) Sorry about your loss, Mr Jeven.
But a lovely piece of meat.
Your prize, not your wife, obviously.
Mr Jeven, if you could just pop into the Grief Kiosk, a presentation will explain the procedure.
Have you ever had a wife die on you before? Not on me.
Near me.
Congratulations on the meat draw, by the way.
What are you planning? A casserole? (CRIES) "The first part of the recycling process is the removal of the nameworm.
" "The nameworm is a small invertebrate that lives in the gut and gives each resident their name.
" "After death, the worm is extracted and inserted into the island's newest-born baby, so that the name can live on.
" Frett's Chimney! Here's Threcker.
Wonder what kind of mood he's in tonight.
You can usually tell by the nostrils.
Wasn't he one of your teachers at school? Yes.
Is that why you've gone all pale and clammy, sir? No, I'm always like this.
Oh, yeah, I suppose you are.
Ah.
Mr Threcker, sir.
(PANTS NERVOUSLY) Isn't the weather big? You're not wearing your woggle.
It's standard uniform for an Arbiter.
I had to rush out - 100 lines.
I must not forget my woggle.
If you were a beetle, I could crush you in my hand like that.
(MAKES CRUSHING NOISES) But you aren't, so let's get on with it.
Yes.
He seems really nice.
(ALL GASP) "The removal of the nameworm will be carried out by one of our experienced professionals, ensuring we maintain your loved one's dignity throughout.
" Can't get her bloody mouth open! You don't believe all this nameworm business, do you, sir? Keep your blasphemous remarks to yourself, Sporall.
Especially under the watchful eye of the Permed Owl of Veronica.
(MIMICS OWL) (PIANO PLAYS) We all go to Frettery's For our fuel hardware needs Its prices are competitive Where's the infant? Erm They couldn't get here, sir.
They're snowed in.
Well, let's just go home, then.
You lazy cretin.
We shall deliver the nameworm in person, tonight.
And now, in accordance with Jinsy custom, we will all kneel.
And leave the hall.
Ooh! Is the answer Tree Marshal Winkins? (SCREAMS) "Hello and welcome to Punishment Round-Up.
" "First of all, ex choir-member Nayleen Shem of Chalet 332 did pinch one carrot and two turnips from Reg's Hedge Veg on the Lower Road.
" "And did make a phallic arrangement outside the Island Singers' rehearsal hut.
" "So that's not good.
" "Punishment, two front row tickets to the Island Singers' recital of Oh, Hear My Big Voice Sing and a mild electrical.
" "Fine!" Ah! Good! My bags! You forgot the big one.
So where exactly do we have to take this withered invertebrate? If we're here, Chalet 333 is here.
That's not far.
But we're not here.
We're over here.
We can't walk all that way in this! Typical.
Always last in cross-country.
Always a bit of sick on your running smock.
You told me you always came first.
I can feel another book coming on.
You, boy, you can be my photographer.
Not another of his tedious travel books.
Come on.
I've had a funny life, really.
I've spent most of it in this hut.
I once considered asking them for a bigger hut, but I've found as I get older I'm shrinking.
I reckon, by the time I'm about 84, it'll be just the right size for me.
Mr Threcker, Mr Threcker.
You wouldn't mind signing this for me, would you? Ah, Cliff to Cliff! Life-changing.
The people I met.
The parishes I saw.
Clouds.
A dog.
I crossed the Stinky River on the back of a water camel, ate the Showanga leaf in the mud caves.
Different climates, foods, illnesses.
That's an afternoon I will never forget.
(SHOUTS) Come on, you nasty lagger! (ECHOES) Let's not just walk aimlessly.
My shoe's really rubbing.
Why have you stopped now? You've got us completely lost.
Give me the map.
Not with your sense of direction.
In orienteering classes, he ended up on top of the water tank in the girls' changing room.
Observe him.
He is a human turd.
Listen, Mr Threcker.
I am official overseer of The Lovely Meadows, Holder of the Glossy Cup and Wearer of the Big Pink Sash and I'm very cold.
So from this point onwards you will address me as Arbiter Maven! Oh, he's leaving, sir.
He's coming back.
He's carrying most of a tree.
You were always the scourge of the school! Sitting there, day in, day out, with your squeaky voice and your mottled legs sticking out of your shorts like two uncooked sausages with shoes on.
Do you know how much I've paid the brain-doctors to go over and over those days! I wasn't Don't answer back! Picture, Mr Threcker? "Now it's time for Sandy's Choice.
" "A talent competition judged by a dog.
" Put in your teeth Put in your teeth And smile at me the way you used to smile at me Put in your teeth Put in your teeth The upper set would be just fine But both of them would be divine Put on your hair Put on your hair That curly blonde one made the boys all stop and stare Tighten your truss Tighten your truss And dance for us the way you used to dance for us! (BLOWS INTO HAND) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) (DRUMROLL) (AUDIENCE BOOS) .
"Element Report for the 24th of Wilter.
" "Over in Nool, terrible conditions for the Fun Fungus Walk, setting off from Bob's Mould Hut at 7:00pm and 3:00am this nightly.
" "And bring a stick.
Moo.
" "A real cow-freezer in the south.
" "A quick look at the weather veins.
" "Cramps in the calves.
Ankles enlarged.
Dirty toes.
" She's my best friend Pam She's my best friend Pam Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam Pam Pam (APPLAUSE) Light! There's a chalet in the distance.
Actually, it's not in the distance, it's just really small.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ah, that's better.
Tea, anyone? Don't you want to come inside? No.
I've got to look after his bag.
Anyway, I'm completely numb.
I can't feel anything.
Look.
Shut the door.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Hello there.
You must be surprise visitors.
I'm not really used to people, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't make direct eye contact.
Hang on a minute.
I recognize you.
Over there, in my peripheral vision.
Aren't you Ernest Threcker? Yes, I am.
I've read all your book! It's the abridged version.
I think I can safely say, without fear of exaggerating that I quite enjoyed it.
Would you sign it for me? What name? My name is Sorry? It's Of course! You must be the man with no nameworm! But didn't he go mad and end up living in an abandoned model village? So we're all agreed.
I'm going to tell you the story of my life through a 29-verse song cycle, with a short break for light refreshments.
When I was a boy I was very, very small Smaller than a tree But bigger than a ball But not so very tall People thought I was a hill (SNORING) Oh.
Oh.
Betti.
What you doing with my worm? It's rubber! My one chance to get a nameworm and it isn't even real! Shh! Look, there's no such thing as nameworms.
What? The Great He doesn't want people just choosing their own names.
You mean all this time I've lived here in torturous isolation for nothing? Stop, man! You can have any name you want now! Oh.
Yes From now on, I'm going to be known as Dwayne! Yes, Dwayne.
Spelt with a Y.
Or with an A-I, which would be equally effective.
Of course, there are other ways to spell (GASPS) Oh.
Sorry.
Right.
Here comes the man called Dwayne.
(LAUGHS) Yes! Dwayne is coming! Dwayne! Duan.
Duan.
Woggle.
(SINGERS HUM) Lunchbreak Teabreak Home time Sleep The next day Lunchbreak (LAUGHS) (BOTH SQUAWK) Oh.
How's your throat? (SMALL SQUAWK) Even a little one hurts.
I meant to tell you.
I had that dream again last night where I'm walking around with big thick human legs.
What, you mean a walking dream? A walking dream, yes.
I felt so free.
As free as a bird.
Well, as free as a bird with big thick legs.
Mm, yeah.
Snowball? Yeah.
Me too.
(SQUAWKS) (BOTH SQUAWK) (THRECKER) Right.
I need a clear table, a cloth, some boiling water and a dozen pigs' trotters.
Are you doing the operation straight away? No.
I'm going to have my breakfast.
Wait! Oh, dear! Look at this.
Jirimmy Maven! This is your nameworm.
The nameworms have swapped places.
Somebody must have opened the canister.
Betti Jeven's nameworm is inside you.
What? Is that possible? It can happen.
A healthy nameworm usurping a small, shrivelled, useless one.
The effects are quite astounding.
The voice, for instance.
My voice! I can feel it changing! Listen to me, Threcker, as Arbiter of this island Arbiter Betti.
I demand you return my nameworm to its rightful place! Well, I can try.
How are you with excruciating pain? This is probably the most direct route to get it out.
I'll need more light.
Open the curtains.
(SHOUTS) (WHIMPERS) I trust we'll be keeping the details of our journey just between me and you.
Yes, sir.
Good.
Between me and you.
And everyone who buys Threcker's new book, Travels With A Turd.
Look, you're on the front cover.
Oh, I took that picture! It's very good.
860 pages? We were only gone one night! Still, I don't suppose anyone will buy it.
Actually he's doing a signing today, sir.
Look, the queue goes from there to there, to there, to there, along there, there, there, there Out! Out! Will you sign this? No, I won't sign it.
Out.
Shoo, shoo.
This is a good bit, sir.
Take a seat.
"Minute 50" (GASPS) ".
.
52.
" "Maven lay snoring like some insipid shaved stoat, the spittle half frozen down his wretched cheek.
" "Looking at him, I was reminded of that time when he" ".
.
wet his pants in double geometry and all the other boys laughed at him.
" "Which made me laugh too.
" (LAUGHS) O fare-diddly-well my Jinsy-o We stand here on the shore I pound the Nugwit hunting drum I scratch my little saw Oh.
Put in your teeth Put in your teeth And smile at me the way you used to smile at me Put in your teeth Put in your teeth The upper set would be just fine But both of them would be divine
Definition, the air found between moustache hairs.
42 points to me.
Any objections? No? Good.
Right.
Your go, Trince.
What? Your go, Trince.
"Welcome back to the Meat Draw.
" "Round 3, which is the rump teaser.
" Now, who can identify the mystery voice on this early recording? Listen.
(DOES CRACKLY RADIO IMPRESSION) Betti Jeven in Chalet 153.
Oh! Am I on? I pressed it by accident.
I'm going to have to hurry you.
Erm Couldn't I come inside? Just for one? No.
You'd drip everywhere.
Come on, what's your word? Feap.
F-E-A-P.
To jump over a tiny fence.
On the triple bonus.
No, you can't have the triple bonus.
Why not? Well, I'm going there next turn.
Mrs Jeven.
Mrs Jeven, could I have an answer, please? She's dead! What am I going to do? Well, you could solve the teaser or play your hot poker joker.
I'll do the teaser, please.
Is the answer Tree Marshal Winkins on Black Foursday, during the one day week? You're right! (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) I've never won anything before! (COMPUTER REPEATS "DEAD") Oh, look, sir, A resident's just ended.
You'll have to do a recycling.
In this weather? What idiot would go out in this? "Residents of Jinsy! Stand by your tesselators!" "Now is the time to sing, sing, sing!" (COUGHS) Sorry about your loss, Mr Jeven.
But a lovely piece of meat.
Your prize, not your wife, obviously.
Mr Jeven, if you could just pop into the Grief Kiosk, a presentation will explain the procedure.
Have you ever had a wife die on you before? Not on me.
Near me.
Congratulations on the meat draw, by the way.
What are you planning? A casserole? (CRIES) "The first part of the recycling process is the removal of the nameworm.
" "The nameworm is a small invertebrate that lives in the gut and gives each resident their name.
" "After death, the worm is extracted and inserted into the island's newest-born baby, so that the name can live on.
" Frett's Chimney! Here's Threcker.
Wonder what kind of mood he's in tonight.
You can usually tell by the nostrils.
Wasn't he one of your teachers at school? Yes.
Is that why you've gone all pale and clammy, sir? No, I'm always like this.
Oh, yeah, I suppose you are.
Ah.
Mr Threcker, sir.
(PANTS NERVOUSLY) Isn't the weather big? You're not wearing your woggle.
It's standard uniform for an Arbiter.
I had to rush out - 100 lines.
I must not forget my woggle.
If you were a beetle, I could crush you in my hand like that.
(MAKES CRUSHING NOISES) But you aren't, so let's get on with it.
Yes.
He seems really nice.
(ALL GASP) "The removal of the nameworm will be carried out by one of our experienced professionals, ensuring we maintain your loved one's dignity throughout.
" Can't get her bloody mouth open! You don't believe all this nameworm business, do you, sir? Keep your blasphemous remarks to yourself, Sporall.
Especially under the watchful eye of the Permed Owl of Veronica.
(MIMICS OWL) (PIANO PLAYS) We all go to Frettery's For our fuel hardware needs Its prices are competitive Where's the infant? Erm They couldn't get here, sir.
They're snowed in.
Well, let's just go home, then.
You lazy cretin.
We shall deliver the nameworm in person, tonight.
And now, in accordance with Jinsy custom, we will all kneel.
And leave the hall.
Ooh! Is the answer Tree Marshal Winkins? (SCREAMS) "Hello and welcome to Punishment Round-Up.
" "First of all, ex choir-member Nayleen Shem of Chalet 332 did pinch one carrot and two turnips from Reg's Hedge Veg on the Lower Road.
" "And did make a phallic arrangement outside the Island Singers' rehearsal hut.
" "So that's not good.
" "Punishment, two front row tickets to the Island Singers' recital of Oh, Hear My Big Voice Sing and a mild electrical.
" "Fine!" Ah! Good! My bags! You forgot the big one.
So where exactly do we have to take this withered invertebrate? If we're here, Chalet 333 is here.
That's not far.
But we're not here.
We're over here.
We can't walk all that way in this! Typical.
Always last in cross-country.
Always a bit of sick on your running smock.
You told me you always came first.
I can feel another book coming on.
You, boy, you can be my photographer.
Not another of his tedious travel books.
Come on.
I've had a funny life, really.
I've spent most of it in this hut.
I once considered asking them for a bigger hut, but I've found as I get older I'm shrinking.
I reckon, by the time I'm about 84, it'll be just the right size for me.
Mr Threcker, Mr Threcker.
You wouldn't mind signing this for me, would you? Ah, Cliff to Cliff! Life-changing.
The people I met.
The parishes I saw.
Clouds.
A dog.
I crossed the Stinky River on the back of a water camel, ate the Showanga leaf in the mud caves.
Different climates, foods, illnesses.
That's an afternoon I will never forget.
(SHOUTS) Come on, you nasty lagger! (ECHOES) Let's not just walk aimlessly.
My shoe's really rubbing.
Why have you stopped now? You've got us completely lost.
Give me the map.
Not with your sense of direction.
In orienteering classes, he ended up on top of the water tank in the girls' changing room.
Observe him.
He is a human turd.
Listen, Mr Threcker.
I am official overseer of The Lovely Meadows, Holder of the Glossy Cup and Wearer of the Big Pink Sash and I'm very cold.
So from this point onwards you will address me as Arbiter Maven! Oh, he's leaving, sir.
He's coming back.
He's carrying most of a tree.
You were always the scourge of the school! Sitting there, day in, day out, with your squeaky voice and your mottled legs sticking out of your shorts like two uncooked sausages with shoes on.
Do you know how much I've paid the brain-doctors to go over and over those days! I wasn't Don't answer back! Picture, Mr Threcker? "Now it's time for Sandy's Choice.
" "A talent competition judged by a dog.
" Put in your teeth Put in your teeth And smile at me the way you used to smile at me Put in your teeth Put in your teeth The upper set would be just fine But both of them would be divine Put on your hair Put on your hair That curly blonde one made the boys all stop and stare Tighten your truss Tighten your truss And dance for us the way you used to dance for us! (BLOWS INTO HAND) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) (DRUMROLL) (AUDIENCE BOOS) .
"Element Report for the 24th of Wilter.
" "Over in Nool, terrible conditions for the Fun Fungus Walk, setting off from Bob's Mould Hut at 7:00pm and 3:00am this nightly.
" "And bring a stick.
Moo.
" "A real cow-freezer in the south.
" "A quick look at the weather veins.
" "Cramps in the calves.
Ankles enlarged.
Dirty toes.
" She's my best friend Pam She's my best friend Pam Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam Pam Pam (APPLAUSE) Light! There's a chalet in the distance.
Actually, it's not in the distance, it's just really small.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ah, that's better.
Tea, anyone? Don't you want to come inside? No.
I've got to look after his bag.
Anyway, I'm completely numb.
I can't feel anything.
Look.
Shut the door.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Hello there.
You must be surprise visitors.
I'm not really used to people, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't make direct eye contact.
Hang on a minute.
I recognize you.
Over there, in my peripheral vision.
Aren't you Ernest Threcker? Yes, I am.
I've read all your book! It's the abridged version.
I think I can safely say, without fear of exaggerating that I quite enjoyed it.
Would you sign it for me? What name? My name is Sorry? It's Of course! You must be the man with no nameworm! But didn't he go mad and end up living in an abandoned model village? So we're all agreed.
I'm going to tell you the story of my life through a 29-verse song cycle, with a short break for light refreshments.
When I was a boy I was very, very small Smaller than a tree But bigger than a ball But not so very tall People thought I was a hill (SNORING) Oh.
Oh.
Betti.
What you doing with my worm? It's rubber! My one chance to get a nameworm and it isn't even real! Shh! Look, there's no such thing as nameworms.
What? The Great He doesn't want people just choosing their own names.
You mean all this time I've lived here in torturous isolation for nothing? Stop, man! You can have any name you want now! Oh.
Yes From now on, I'm going to be known as Dwayne! Yes, Dwayne.
Spelt with a Y.
Or with an A-I, which would be equally effective.
Of course, there are other ways to spell (GASPS) Oh.
Sorry.
Right.
Here comes the man called Dwayne.
(LAUGHS) Yes! Dwayne is coming! Dwayne! Duan.
Duan.
Woggle.
(SINGERS HUM) Lunchbreak Teabreak Home time Sleep The next day Lunchbreak (LAUGHS) (BOTH SQUAWK) Oh.
How's your throat? (SMALL SQUAWK) Even a little one hurts.
I meant to tell you.
I had that dream again last night where I'm walking around with big thick human legs.
What, you mean a walking dream? A walking dream, yes.
I felt so free.
As free as a bird.
Well, as free as a bird with big thick legs.
Mm, yeah.
Snowball? Yeah.
Me too.
(SQUAWKS) (BOTH SQUAWK) (THRECKER) Right.
I need a clear table, a cloth, some boiling water and a dozen pigs' trotters.
Are you doing the operation straight away? No.
I'm going to have my breakfast.
Wait! Oh, dear! Look at this.
Jirimmy Maven! This is your nameworm.
The nameworms have swapped places.
Somebody must have opened the canister.
Betti Jeven's nameworm is inside you.
What? Is that possible? It can happen.
A healthy nameworm usurping a small, shrivelled, useless one.
The effects are quite astounding.
The voice, for instance.
My voice! I can feel it changing! Listen to me, Threcker, as Arbiter of this island Arbiter Betti.
I demand you return my nameworm to its rightful place! Well, I can try.
How are you with excruciating pain? This is probably the most direct route to get it out.
I'll need more light.
Open the curtains.
(SHOUTS) (WHIMPERS) I trust we'll be keeping the details of our journey just between me and you.
Yes, sir.
Good.
Between me and you.
And everyone who buys Threcker's new book, Travels With A Turd.
Look, you're on the front cover.
Oh, I took that picture! It's very good.
860 pages? We were only gone one night! Still, I don't suppose anyone will buy it.
Actually he's doing a signing today, sir.
Look, the queue goes from there to there, to there, to there, along there, there, there, there Out! Out! Will you sign this? No, I won't sign it.
Out.
Shoo, shoo.
This is a good bit, sir.
Take a seat.
"Minute 50" (GASPS) ".
.
52.
" "Maven lay snoring like some insipid shaved stoat, the spittle half frozen down his wretched cheek.
" "Looking at him, I was reminded of that time when he" ".
.
wet his pants in double geometry and all the other boys laughed at him.
" "Which made me laugh too.
" (LAUGHS) O fare-diddly-well my Jinsy-o We stand here on the shore I pound the Nugwit hunting drum I scratch my little saw Oh.
Put in your teeth Put in your teeth And smile at me the way you used to smile at me Put in your teeth Put in your teeth The upper set would be just fine But both of them would be divine