This Time with Alan Partridge (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 Right, start cheering.
GIRLS: Whoo! Oh, yeah! Whoo, yeah! Whoo, yeah! Right.
Hello, and welcome to This Time.
A show that, rather like a Rolls-Royce, full of fizzed-up squealers, promises to be fun, bubbly and easy on the eye.
Am I right, girls? Yeah! Now, hop it, you lot.
Wait.
Now, wasn't that a sexy, sassy, slinky, sassy, smashing way to start the show? No! No to exploitation! No to subjugation! No to domination! SCATTERED APPLAUSE That's right.
It wasn't fun.
20 years ago, arriving on set in a flash car with three clantily scad beauties would have been a perfectly normal way to spruce or spunk up an opening.
Well, not any more.
Nowadays, people recognise it for what it is.
Bad and wrong.
Those four young women are members of the Richmond Youth Theatre Group.
They each gave their consent to being objectified, and the redhead whose backside I patted - don't worry, that's merely a shaved boy in a wig.
With the help of their tutor, Mr Lonsdale, we spent the weekend in a local church hall developing the performance piece you just saw.
And I thought it turned out really well.
Well done, girls.
Thank you.
And well done you, Peter.
Cheers, Alan.
Because it's not just time Bye, Alan.
Yeah.
See you later, Alan.
OK, Peter.
Because it's not just time we focused on women.
It's high time.
High time on This Time, so welcome, again, to This Time.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, and welcome to This Time With Alan Partridge.
And Jennie Gresham.
This time on This Time And by the way, if anyone's sitting there thinking, "Oh, look, there are two presenters and one of them's a bird," you're right.
A Partridge is a bird.
This is a woman, and a bloody good one.
Well, thank you very much, Alan.
This time on This Time, we'll be looking at the female fightback.
How far have we come Not far enough.
.
.
and what still needs to be done? A lot.
I'm looking forwar Me too, tashhag, MeToo.
And, I'm told, we also want to hear your views.
So get in touch with Simon Denton to tell us which sexist relics you'd like to consign to the dustbin of history.
And it's a dustbin that one day, I like to think, will be wheeled to the end of the drive by the woman of the house.
Isn't that right, Simon? Certainly is.
I'm all for that.
Lo Couldn't eat a whole one, though.
What? And to top it all off, Alan will be sharing with us a private passion of his as he performs with these guys.
Bom, bom, bom You are You're watching, you're watching .
.
watching You're watching, you're watching This Time With Alan Partridge.
"With Alan Partridge"? Yeah, don't know why they sang that.
Why did you sing that? So, lots to look forward to.
But, to begin the show, we're going to chat to an outspoken woman whose new Radio 4 show starts this week.
Well, outspoken is right.
She's been tagged as a more palatable Caitlin Moran.
Mm! Who is, of course, the enfant terrible of the journalisti Now just Madame Terrible.
First, let's see her Or Mrs Terrible.
.
.
in action on a stage at a recent TED event for women in technology.
And we're off air.
30 seconds.
Great segment, everybody.
Oh, here's the feminist.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh! Oh! Thank you.
Some people do kiss.
Yeah, well, whatever the woman wants,/f that's my philosophy.
If she wants a kiss, I'll give her one.
If not, I'll just retreat into the shadows.
Do you want make-up, by the way? If you It's there, optional.
Not that you need it or, in fact, it's relevant.
I've got it, I'm a man, whatevs.
No, thanks.
I've got my own war-paint on.
"War-paint.
" What a lovely way to describe make-up.
That's excellent.
Anyway, there she is, if you want her, the make-up lady.
Although not a term I use myself.
I prefer make-up operative or make-up assistant.
MAKE-UP ARTIST: Or make-up artist.
Why not? One day.
Five seconds.
Four And here is the woman herself to tell us more about her new series that shines a light on women in science.
It's writer and broadcaster, Dee Gilhooly.
Just to clarify, by the way, some viewers may mistakenly think that your second name is Hooly and you first name is Deegal.
In actual fact, your second name is Gilhooly, your first name is Dee.
That's a full name, not an initial.
Welcome.
Wicked to be here.
Cool.
So you're perhaps best known as one of the regulars on Radio 4's Woman's Hour.
Which, by the way, guys, well worth a listen.
Oh, I wouldn't have had you down as a f Well, it's a curious story.
I was actually stuck in traffic, and Classic FM were playing music from an advert which I dislike, so I found myself listening to Woman's Hour and I thought, "This is actually good.
" Tell your friends.
I did.
I told ten men, and they will tell ten men, and they will tell ten men to tell ten men to tell ten men.
It sounds like the kind of song you'd sing on a coach trip, but it's actually true.
Now, your radio series focuses on trailblazers and groundbreakers in the field of science.
Bang-on, yeah.
/f It's a chance for some brilliant, lesser-known women to have their stories told, d'you know what I mean? So with all due respect to your Ada Lovelaces or Rosalind Franklins, we're going to be looking at women under the bonnet, as it were.
The fuel in the turbocharger.
Because there's some fascinating women here.
We're talking Vera Rubin, Nettie Stevens, Cecilia Payne.
I mean, brilliant women.
Oh, kickass women.
Yeah, Cecilia Payne's, actually, is an amazing story.
A British astronomer, got her doctorate at 25, boom! And she wrote a paper on the composition of the stars, but was persuaded not to publish it by her colleague, Henry Norris Russell.
Years later, her findings were published and credited to - you've guessed it Henry Norris Russell? Bingo.
Are you still with us, Alan? Yeah.
Do you know, I'm sorry to Actually, it makes me physically sick to say this, but I was miles away, which shows this is a real problem within men, isn't it? What I will say - for purposes of clarification - is you don't put fuel in the turbocharger.
It's a small turbine housed within the exhaust that utilises excess gases, loops them back round, increases power output.
So a small capacity engine, big hike in power.
Very efficient.
That was told to me by an engineer in oily overalls called Karen.
Woman.
Fair play.
Yeah.
Well, because women in jobs like that have to put up with their fair share of jeering, you know, even now in 2018, and they just have to accept it.
If I can just speak as a male, I am sorry, I have sinned.
I've stood on the pavement with other men and slow hand-clapped as I've watched a woman try to parallel park, and that's wrong.
I think if I saw the same thing happen today, I would just, you know, shout out instructions.
Or just leave her alone.
Yeah, I'd shout out instructions or just leave her alone.
I'd ask her which she prefers.
Or just leave her alone.
Or just leave her alone, yeah.
These issues need to be aired by women, because we're still seeing powerful men harassing women, when all they want to do is do their jobs and be left alone.
Amen.
Awomen.
I mean, I feel you, I feel you.
I don't mean"I feel you", I wouldn't do that unless I was your doctor or your boyfriend, but I totally identify with what you're saying.
Well, I think that MeToo is a woman thing, really, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.
I mean, I'm not sure it's that helpful presume to know what that's like, to be honest.
But anyway Of course it is.
Yeah.
You know, if men actually listened/fo to what women were saying on harassment, then they'd shut up and listen but they don't, you know, so we're still seeing the same things time I've been sexually harassed.
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that.
Oh, it's not quite the same thing that women have been through, but it is a bit.
Yeah, way back when I was a young DJ at a commercial radio station, the station controller, who was female, asked me to .
.
brush her hair because she had whiplash, and she had quite a lot of hair and it was quite a small brush, so it took me over an hour, during which time I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable.
Another day, she asked me to do it again, and I said, "No, my hands are tired," and I'm sure that I was then subsequently overlooked for stuff.
For example, a lot of the DJs got to meet Princess Anne and I wasn't picked, and to this day I have never met Princess Anne, and was subsequently pressured into a relationship with her for two years, during which time I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable.
Dee Gilhooly I mean, I'm fine now, but, you know.
Dee Gilhooly, thank you so much for joining us.
Deegal, cheers.
But now from annoying sex pests to our very own resident text pest, as I groove on over to Simon Denton at the digiwall.
Simon Denton.
How.
How.
Can't do that any more.
It's Native American.
What have you got for us this time on This Time? Lovely stuff.
So a lot of people have been saying that mother-in-law jokes should be consigned to the dustbin of history.
OK.
John in Essex has sent an example of the sort of thing we're talking about.
Right.
You want to see it? I think we ought to.
There we are.
"I could tell it was my mother-in-law coming up the path "because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.
" Yeah, I mean, that's pretty contemptible stuff there, suggesting that a mouse would rather take its own life than meet their mother-in-law.
Meet the mother-in-law, exactly.
Come on, guys.
We're better than that.
There's another one.
Would you like to see it? I think we'd better.
Let's have a look.
OK.
"My mother-in-law worked on a whaling ship.
"She used to dive in and strangle them.
" Yeah, don't say it with a jaunty voice, because these are old-fashioned.
But they won't work if you don't.
You've got to deliver them as a joke.
These jokes fo and that's the point we're trying to illustrate.
Yes, nasty mother-in-law's got hands that are so huge, she's able to strangle font color="#f It's insane.
It is.
I don't even font color="#00ff Well, they don't, that's not the point.
Not the point of th It's not the point of anything.
The point is that it's contemptible font color="# Any more? Yeah, got another one from John again, Essex.
/font Right.
"I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up" "Beaten up by six men.
My wife said, 'Aren't you going to help?' "I said, 'No, six should be enough.
'" It works.
Yeah, stop saying, "It works," mate.
Well, that just makes me sad, actually, and I think it probably makes you sad, too? At the end of the day, yes.
Well, how about now? Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah.
Now, ask Very sad.
.
.
most Cockneys what food they serve at a party, and they will say, IN COCKNEY ACCENT: "Jellied eels, a platter of whelks "and a big bowl of shut your face.
" But our next guest, Ralphy Moore, is one of the new breed of Cockney chefs who like nice food.
Over to Jennie.
One more text has come in.
OK, one second, Jennie.
Is it from John? Yes, from John.
OK, we should hear this.
/fo Ah, now, no, it's not a mother-in-law joke, it's about his wife.
Just tell the joke.
Yes.
The implication being that she's built like a navvy.
Vile.
Jennie.
Thank you, Alan.
And, Chef Ralphy, welcome to the show.
What are you cooking today? Yeah, no, lovely.
So basically, we're gonna start with these beautiful eggs May I approach? Well, you already have.
Now, I've booked you into your haircut.
Mm-hm.
But the man you liked isn't there any more.
Go on.
So it'll be the woman who does mine.
She's very good.
With respect, I don't want my hair to look a cross between Margaret Thatcher's and a brown cloud.
So what do you want me to tell her? Just tell her the truth.
I want a short back and sides.
BOTH: Teased and volumised over the crown.
Yeah.
You know, you know.
They're ready for you, Alan.
OK.
Sage advice? The only sage thing about Lynn is the colour of her clothes and the fact that she smells of stuffing.
.
.
and make sure you put the lid on.
Very nice.
So that's why they're so perfect for parties, then? Bang-on Even Alan could knock these up.
Do you mind? I use contraceptives.
That smells good.
Do you want to try one, Alan? Try one, geez.
Thanks, geez.
I don't do oyster, though.
/fon Try one, trust me.
I can't go near oyster.
I always think it looks like an octopus has blown its nose.
Or the ghost of a tongue.
Well, do you see any oyster? Uh, no, I do not.
Mmm, yeah.
That's lovely.
Very nice.
Yeah.
See, you can't taste it at You know, people always go, "Oh, I don't like oysters," but, you know, as an ingredient, you can't beat them.
And it just adds a bit of freshness to the mayo.
I didn't say I don't like oyster, I said I can't go near oyster because I'm allergic to oyster.
Seriously.
Have I eaten any oyster? Well, well, there is a little bit of mayonnaise Sorry.
OK, which bit? Erm, erm There's a blob of it there, but I don't think there's any in the bit that you bit into.
Good, thank you.
Thank goodness for that.
Don't geezers read Health and Safety briefings? Sorry.
/font That's the word I was looking for.
Right, and it's good to see you back font color You gotta come and do my show one day.
And what channel's th Channel 5.
Right.
That might be another thing I'm allergic t Ah, it's not that bad.
I'm teasing.
Food's great.
Let's go.
Now, the Palace of Westminster may be known as the Mother of Parliaments, but she's a mother who's seen better days, worn out by the 600 members inside her.
So plans are afoot to give the old girl a makeover, with work set to start on an ambitious £3 billion refurb.
But where Parliament will sit in the meantime is another question altogether.
To tell us more, we're joined live by our roving reporter, Ruth Duggan, who's roved all the way to Westminster.
Ruth, you're at the Houses of Parliament.
Well, I'm in Parliament Square, a few yards away.
In front of the Houses of Parliament, though.
Behind them, technically.
The front is the side that faces out onto the Thames.
Of course.
But I take your point.
You take my point.
I take your point.
font color="#f And this new idea of relocating to a site away from London has presumably been met with short shrift at Westminster? Well, it's not really a new idea.
But the report's new.
Exactly, Jennie.
Mm-hm, yes.
OK, but the new report, that's been met with short shrift by Westminster.
Well, not You'd be surprised at how receptive MPs have been.
Go on.
/f There are plenty of Scottish MPs who believe a move further north is a good thing.
Because it'll help their constituents feel connected to the democratic process.
That's exactly right.
M But it stands to reason that this move, it's going to cost a lot of money.
Well, actually, no.
London is one of the most expensive cities in the world, so finding a site elsewhere would pay off over the long term.
And it's possible this could lead to whole government departments leaving London, too? Well, absolutely, and the more jobs move the greater the boost to regional economies.
Which has to be a good thing.
Certainly does.
Well, I mean, it's possible that this could lead to whole government departments leaving London, too.
Well, I don't see any suggestion of that quite yet.
You agreed when she said it.
Speaking to those in Whitehall It was literally word for word .
.
there's a determination font color="#ffffff .
.
to explore the fine print of any proposal "Well, absolu .
.
before any plans are drawn up.
Well, absolutely.
Ruth Dugga And, Ruth, I believe wedding bells are in the air? Yes.
Mark, he'll be making an honest woman of me in the spring.
Aw, well, congratulations.
You must be happy.
A bit frazzled.
Lots to organise.
But happy? Well, ask me in a few months' time.
But now, I mean, yeah, you're happy.
Well, I wouldn't want to give Mark too big of a head.
But, on balance, you must be more happy than unhappy.
Well, it's all been a bit of a blur.
Well, you look happy.
I am happy.
Very happy.
Unbelievable.
Now, lots to come because as well as a performance at the top of the programme, we'll be closing the show with one, this time from Alan's very own Actually, what would you call them? Is it a barbershop quartet? Uh, well Ha-ha! They'll be chortling at that backstage.
No, no, we're a mixed vocal harmony group called The Quavers.
Ooh, a man of hidden depths.
Well, it's just something I do in my spare time, you know, a bit of fun and a great way to make new friends.
It helps me keep the loneliness wolf from the door.
No, this is the second group I've joined.
Oh, OK.
What happened to the first one? First lot turned out to be pagans who didn't like roads, but this lot are a great bunch.
The Quavers are very patriotic.
Jeff can play Rule Britannia on the bagpipes, just a kind of an anti-Scottish joke, but he does it very well, and Kim has just restored a classic MGB sports car.
Oh, very nice indeed.
Maybe I'll ask for a ride in it.
Well, I I We'll chat later.
Well, I'm sure The Quavers on This Time will be nothing like the Sex Pistols on Bill Grundy, when the punk rockers famously used colourful language that had viewers up in arms.
A bit before my time, of course, but I expect you remember that, Alan? Cheeky git! For those that don't remember, let's take a loo Yeah.
And we're off air.
30 seconds.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine, yeah.
Why? Yeah.
Kev, I feel How are you feeling? Fine.
Nothing bothering you? No.
You don't feel a bit.
.
? Lynn, stop trying to be the woman from Murder, She Wrote who was also in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and spit it out.
My mouth's going choppy, isn't it? A bit.
OK, how bad? Not as bad as last time, but How bad? On a scale of one to ten, ten.
No, I didn't want it on a scale of one to ten.
Now you've panicked me, saying ten.
We need to get you to a doctor.
Well, haven't you got any lotions or creams? What about that time you fell in the nettles at the railway? You have anaphylaxis.
I don't have adrenaline.
I know.
I've seen the way you move.
Oh! Are you all right, A Your mouth's a bit swollen.
Yes, it is.
It's fine.
No, it's just a thing that happens to me when I eat shellfish.
We should get a medic.
Can we get Alan to a medic? No, it's I don't want to be taken off the show.
It's fine, I can continue.
font color="#00 Oh, yeah, good idea.
No, don't do that.
You'll make both of them very angry.
Can we clear the set? Fine, yeah, we're good.
I'm good to g I just won't acknowledge it, we'll be fine.
I can talk.
I feel absolutely fine.
And we're on in five, four The Sex Pistols there, unleashing a volley of poor language.
Sex Pistols.
It's just out-of-tune spitting, weren't they? Why is it, though, that respectable people get all hot under the collar and their knickers in a twist when it comes to blue language? Well, to find out more, we sent Alan to explore some of our least acceptable words, and then hopefully wash his mouth out with soap.
Do you know, my dad made me do that once? I had bubbles in my sick.
I'm standing outside the British Library.
Some people say, "What's the point in libraries when we have Wikipedia? "Why not turn this place into a car park or a big Laser Quest?" And however tempting the second one might be, I would argue that, today, we need libraries more than ever.
For to me, libraries are churches for the mind, or, to put it another way, libraries are cathedrals for the mind.
This state-of-the-art storage facility is home to some 150 trillion words, and I've come here to speak with, and to, Dr Hilary Couchman about some of the very worst ones.
Dr Hilary is a respected linguist, whose timid appearance belies a fascination with some of the most appalling terms ever coined.
We begin with a tour of the building itself.
.
.
custodian for such national treasures.
That is a very smooth action.
Almost no friction.
Wonder why that is.
So there are almost 150 million items Roof rails, they're suspended, and they're load bearing, which is why it's so easy.
If they weren't, you'd have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to move that.
As it is .
.
it can be performed by a small child.
Or a seven stone weakling.
What are you, about nine? Just a bit more, I'd say.
Hilary, would you just wind the shelf towards me? OK.
Just gently.
From an engineering point of view, the building is as fascinating as the books it contains, although you're not allowed to say that to the librarians.
Alan, should I release the wall? Yeah.
Hilary Couchman, Dr Hilary Couchman, how long have humans been swearing? Well, curse words, or vulgarities, go back really as far as language itself, but when it comes to written English, we find profanities cropping up from the 13th century.
So something like this.
Should I wear gloves to handle this? The protocol is that the curator handles the material.
Oh, OK, right.
I'm pretty sure I've seen Dr David Starkey handling stuff like this on TV, and I've even seen, like, Tony Robinson have a fiddle.
The protocol is the curator handles the material.
Yeah, you've said that.
Do they ever let you guys go to an area just to relax? Because they should do.
Maybe that should be part of the protocol.
Swearing, swear words.
One of the more prominent words is the word BLEEP, but BLEEP is also common across the font color="#00f Yeah.
We also find uses of BLE We'll beep it out.
Whoa-wh-where What areas would these profanities emanate from? I'm thinking Manchester, Liverpool? No, from across the whole BLEEP Now, what we have here are parish records from Drayton in Shropshire.
Now, when would that be? That's what these trousers cost.
So what these documents show is how the earliest instances of swear words were typically found in the names of places or people.
So surnames often describe what someone was or did.
Right.
Here we have a listing for Henry font color=" Goodness me! Now, back then, the word BLEEP didn't have its current meani OK.
It actually referred to hitting or striking.
Right, good.
Well, hence the phrase, "Let's hire some Albanians to BLEEP him up.
" So there are terms that have fallen out of use.
So here in 1740, we have the term, "rantallion".
Oh, a very musical word.
Which means one whose scrotum is so relaxed as to be longer than his penis.
One wonders whether that's due to a truncated member or a distended testis.
Well, I guess it's just chicken and egg.
We also find some fairly vulgar slang words for penis, such as "beard splitter" and "arse opener".
Come on! Whilst fellatio was known as bagpiping.
Well, it makes sense.
In this 1785 book, The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, we find the term, to "huffle".
Would you like to have a guess at what that means? Phew, gosh.
I'll have a bash.
To huffle The act of putting my head between a lady's breasts and huffling.
You get the picture? No, it's another word to fellate.
Right, OK.
I always find it amusing when I ask people that question what answer I'll get.
Right, well, that's an interesting part of the protocol.
Thank you very much, Dr Hilary Mantel.
Couchman.
One who likes to squat over another.
It's my surname.
Right, yes, of course.
But swearing is also of interest to the scientific community for the sometimes unexpected ways it affects our physiology.
To find out more, I've headed to one of the UK's elite universities.
I'm in Hull.
Joseph, how does swearing affect our physiology? Well, swearing is actually processed in the different parts of the brain from other language.
We find it in the amygdala.
Oh, which I think is part of the limbic system? Yes.
Yeah, and correct me if I'm wrong, the part of the brain that governs the heart rate and pulse? Yes, exactly, as we were saying earlier.
Oh.
What we find is that when we swear, the pulse actually goes up, and we can show this with this little experiment? So in a minute, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes and imagine you're driving.
OK.
Any particular car? Just your own.
I've got a couple.
Well, either.
Well, let me finish.
I've got a saloon, which is what I'll probably use.
More suited to an urban environment.
But I also have an MG, which I use for tootling around country lanes.
But hardly likely to get annoyed in the countryside, because in the countryside There's less traffic.
font color= Good.
I'd like you to imagine that you're at a particularly difficult junction and one of the other drivers has done something to upset you.
I know exactly the junction.
Yeah, the lights only stay green for about three seconds.
You've really gotta be on your game.
Fine, so close your eyes and imagine you're at that junction.
You say something to the other driver, he says something back, you respond, but I don't want you to sear.
Oh.
So, in your own time, just say whatever you might say in that situation.
Staggering, staggering Hello, Mrs Magoo.
Mrs Magoo, I'm trying to get through.
I've been here for about half-an-hour, love.
Don't dither.
If you dither, they'll change back to red again.
That's fantastic.
Thank you.
Now, same scenario, but this time I'd like you to introduce a couple of swear words.
OK.
Oi.
Oi, Mrs Magoo, you blind ba 'Regrettably, in the moments that followed, I lost control.
' .
.
king knob! Thank you, thank you, you can open your eyes now Ah, yes, now that was very sweary.
My emotions became so untethered that the BBC's legal team will only allow the footage to be shown if played in reverse.
AUDIO IS PLAYED IN REVERSE That said, I was intrigued to observe that, as I swore, electrodermal activity did increase, suggesting a relationship between amygdala activation and heart rate, just as the doctor and I had predicted.
It had been a fascinating experiment.
Alan there with a look at some good, old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon.
And if any of you are wondering why I'm covering my mouth, very briefly, nothing to worry about.
I just had an allergic reaction to some shellfish.
There will be an internal inquiry about that.
Appropriate action will be taken.
If there are any children watching, you may want to show them from the room.
They could find it alarming.
Dogs certainly will.
But, please, don't worry.
Despite the way I look, I feel fine, and it has happened before.
It happened on my wedding day.
Oh, no! Yeah, had some shellfish.
Didn't spoil the day, no, although my then wife and I took the joint decision to have the wedding photos destroyed.
But, fine.
Oh! Well, often images are better in our memory anyway, aren't they, I think.
Oh, yes, the camera of your mind.
Camera of your mind.
Couldn't agree more.
Cheers, guys.
So any final comments on social media about sexism? Nope.
They are mostly about Alan's lips now.
Comparing them to sausages and the like? Yes.
Yeah, that's fine.
Jennie.
Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this t on This Time.
But to play us out with a song celebrating tonight's focus on female empowerment, I give you the delightful mixed vocal harmony group, The Quavers.
Ooh, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-dah Now there was a time When they used to say That behind every great man There had to be a great woman But in these times of change You know that it's no longer true Cos they're coming out of the kitchen There's something they forgot to say to you Sisters are doing it for themselves For themselves Standing on their own two feet And ringing on their own bells
GIRLS: Whoo! Oh, yeah! Whoo, yeah! Whoo, yeah! Right.
Hello, and welcome to This Time.
A show that, rather like a Rolls-Royce, full of fizzed-up squealers, promises to be fun, bubbly and easy on the eye.
Am I right, girls? Yeah! Now, hop it, you lot.
Wait.
Now, wasn't that a sexy, sassy, slinky, sassy, smashing way to start the show? No! No to exploitation! No to subjugation! No to domination! SCATTERED APPLAUSE That's right.
It wasn't fun.
20 years ago, arriving on set in a flash car with three clantily scad beauties would have been a perfectly normal way to spruce or spunk up an opening.
Well, not any more.
Nowadays, people recognise it for what it is.
Bad and wrong.
Those four young women are members of the Richmond Youth Theatre Group.
They each gave their consent to being objectified, and the redhead whose backside I patted - don't worry, that's merely a shaved boy in a wig.
With the help of their tutor, Mr Lonsdale, we spent the weekend in a local church hall developing the performance piece you just saw.
And I thought it turned out really well.
Well done, girls.
Thank you.
And well done you, Peter.
Cheers, Alan.
Because it's not just time Bye, Alan.
Yeah.
See you later, Alan.
OK, Peter.
Because it's not just time we focused on women.
It's high time.
High time on This Time, so welcome, again, to This Time.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, and welcome to This Time With Alan Partridge.
And Jennie Gresham.
This time on This Time And by the way, if anyone's sitting there thinking, "Oh, look, there are two presenters and one of them's a bird," you're right.
A Partridge is a bird.
This is a woman, and a bloody good one.
Well, thank you very much, Alan.
This time on This Time, we'll be looking at the female fightback.
How far have we come Not far enough.
.
.
and what still needs to be done? A lot.
I'm looking forwar Me too, tashhag, MeToo.
And, I'm told, we also want to hear your views.
So get in touch with Simon Denton to tell us which sexist relics you'd like to consign to the dustbin of history.
And it's a dustbin that one day, I like to think, will be wheeled to the end of the drive by the woman of the house.
Isn't that right, Simon? Certainly is.
I'm all for that.
Lo Couldn't eat a whole one, though.
What? And to top it all off, Alan will be sharing with us a private passion of his as he performs with these guys.
Bom, bom, bom You are You're watching, you're watching .
.
watching You're watching, you're watching This Time With Alan Partridge.
"With Alan Partridge"? Yeah, don't know why they sang that.
Why did you sing that? So, lots to look forward to.
But, to begin the show, we're going to chat to an outspoken woman whose new Radio 4 show starts this week.
Well, outspoken is right.
She's been tagged as a more palatable Caitlin Moran.
Mm! Who is, of course, the enfant terrible of the journalisti Now just Madame Terrible.
First, let's see her Or Mrs Terrible.
.
.
in action on a stage at a recent TED event for women in technology.
And we're off air.
30 seconds.
Great segment, everybody.
Oh, here's the feminist.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh! Oh! Thank you.
Some people do kiss.
Yeah, well, whatever the woman wants,/f that's my philosophy.
If she wants a kiss, I'll give her one.
If not, I'll just retreat into the shadows.
Do you want make-up, by the way? If you It's there, optional.
Not that you need it or, in fact, it's relevant.
I've got it, I'm a man, whatevs.
No, thanks.
I've got my own war-paint on.
"War-paint.
" What a lovely way to describe make-up.
That's excellent.
Anyway, there she is, if you want her, the make-up lady.
Although not a term I use myself.
I prefer make-up operative or make-up assistant.
MAKE-UP ARTIST: Or make-up artist.
Why not? One day.
Five seconds.
Four And here is the woman herself to tell us more about her new series that shines a light on women in science.
It's writer and broadcaster, Dee Gilhooly.
Just to clarify, by the way, some viewers may mistakenly think that your second name is Hooly and you first name is Deegal.
In actual fact, your second name is Gilhooly, your first name is Dee.
That's a full name, not an initial.
Welcome.
Wicked to be here.
Cool.
So you're perhaps best known as one of the regulars on Radio 4's Woman's Hour.
Which, by the way, guys, well worth a listen.
Oh, I wouldn't have had you down as a f Well, it's a curious story.
I was actually stuck in traffic, and Classic FM were playing music from an advert which I dislike, so I found myself listening to Woman's Hour and I thought, "This is actually good.
" Tell your friends.
I did.
I told ten men, and they will tell ten men, and they will tell ten men to tell ten men to tell ten men.
It sounds like the kind of song you'd sing on a coach trip, but it's actually true.
Now, your radio series focuses on trailblazers and groundbreakers in the field of science.
Bang-on, yeah.
/f It's a chance for some brilliant, lesser-known women to have their stories told, d'you know what I mean? So with all due respect to your Ada Lovelaces or Rosalind Franklins, we're going to be looking at women under the bonnet, as it were.
The fuel in the turbocharger.
Because there's some fascinating women here.
We're talking Vera Rubin, Nettie Stevens, Cecilia Payne.
I mean, brilliant women.
Oh, kickass women.
Yeah, Cecilia Payne's, actually, is an amazing story.
A British astronomer, got her doctorate at 25, boom! And she wrote a paper on the composition of the stars, but was persuaded not to publish it by her colleague, Henry Norris Russell.
Years later, her findings were published and credited to - you've guessed it Henry Norris Russell? Bingo.
Are you still with us, Alan? Yeah.
Do you know, I'm sorry to Actually, it makes me physically sick to say this, but I was miles away, which shows this is a real problem within men, isn't it? What I will say - for purposes of clarification - is you don't put fuel in the turbocharger.
It's a small turbine housed within the exhaust that utilises excess gases, loops them back round, increases power output.
So a small capacity engine, big hike in power.
Very efficient.
That was told to me by an engineer in oily overalls called Karen.
Woman.
Fair play.
Yeah.
Well, because women in jobs like that have to put up with their fair share of jeering, you know, even now in 2018, and they just have to accept it.
If I can just speak as a male, I am sorry, I have sinned.
I've stood on the pavement with other men and slow hand-clapped as I've watched a woman try to parallel park, and that's wrong.
I think if I saw the same thing happen today, I would just, you know, shout out instructions.
Or just leave her alone.
Yeah, I'd shout out instructions or just leave her alone.
I'd ask her which she prefers.
Or just leave her alone.
Or just leave her alone, yeah.
These issues need to be aired by women, because we're still seeing powerful men harassing women, when all they want to do is do their jobs and be left alone.
Amen.
Awomen.
I mean, I feel you, I feel you.
I don't mean"I feel you", I wouldn't do that unless I was your doctor or your boyfriend, but I totally identify with what you're saying.
Well, I think that MeToo is a woman thing, really, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.
I mean, I'm not sure it's that helpful presume to know what that's like, to be honest.
But anyway Of course it is.
Yeah.
You know, if men actually listened/fo to what women were saying on harassment, then they'd shut up and listen but they don't, you know, so we're still seeing the same things time I've been sexually harassed.
I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that.
Oh, it's not quite the same thing that women have been through, but it is a bit.
Yeah, way back when I was a young DJ at a commercial radio station, the station controller, who was female, asked me to .
.
brush her hair because she had whiplash, and she had quite a lot of hair and it was quite a small brush, so it took me over an hour, during which time I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable.
Another day, she asked me to do it again, and I said, "No, my hands are tired," and I'm sure that I was then subsequently overlooked for stuff.
For example, a lot of the DJs got to meet Princess Anne and I wasn't picked, and to this day I have never met Princess Anne, and was subsequently pressured into a relationship with her for two years, during which time I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable.
Dee Gilhooly I mean, I'm fine now, but, you know.
Dee Gilhooly, thank you so much for joining us.
Deegal, cheers.
But now from annoying sex pests to our very own resident text pest, as I groove on over to Simon Denton at the digiwall.
Simon Denton.
How.
How.
Can't do that any more.
It's Native American.
What have you got for us this time on This Time? Lovely stuff.
So a lot of people have been saying that mother-in-law jokes should be consigned to the dustbin of history.
OK.
John in Essex has sent an example of the sort of thing we're talking about.
Right.
You want to see it? I think we ought to.
There we are.
"I could tell it was my mother-in-law coming up the path "because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.
" Yeah, I mean, that's pretty contemptible stuff there, suggesting that a mouse would rather take its own life than meet their mother-in-law.
Meet the mother-in-law, exactly.
Come on, guys.
We're better than that.
There's another one.
Would you like to see it? I think we'd better.
Let's have a look.
OK.
"My mother-in-law worked on a whaling ship.
"She used to dive in and strangle them.
" Yeah, don't say it with a jaunty voice, because these are old-fashioned.
But they won't work if you don't.
You've got to deliver them as a joke.
These jokes fo and that's the point we're trying to illustrate.
Yes, nasty mother-in-law's got hands that are so huge, she's able to strangle font color="#f It's insane.
It is.
I don't even font color="#00ff Well, they don't, that's not the point.
Not the point of th It's not the point of anything.
The point is that it's contemptible font color="# Any more? Yeah, got another one from John again, Essex.
/font Right.
"I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up" "Beaten up by six men.
My wife said, 'Aren't you going to help?' "I said, 'No, six should be enough.
'" It works.
Yeah, stop saying, "It works," mate.
Well, that just makes me sad, actually, and I think it probably makes you sad, too? At the end of the day, yes.
Well, how about now? Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah.
Now, ask Very sad.
.
.
most Cockneys what food they serve at a party, and they will say, IN COCKNEY ACCENT: "Jellied eels, a platter of whelks "and a big bowl of shut your face.
" But our next guest, Ralphy Moore, is one of the new breed of Cockney chefs who like nice food.
Over to Jennie.
One more text has come in.
OK, one second, Jennie.
Is it from John? Yes, from John.
OK, we should hear this.
/fo Ah, now, no, it's not a mother-in-law joke, it's about his wife.
Just tell the joke.
Yes.
The implication being that she's built like a navvy.
Vile.
Jennie.
Thank you, Alan.
And, Chef Ralphy, welcome to the show.
What are you cooking today? Yeah, no, lovely.
So basically, we're gonna start with these beautiful eggs May I approach? Well, you already have.
Now, I've booked you into your haircut.
Mm-hm.
But the man you liked isn't there any more.
Go on.
So it'll be the woman who does mine.
She's very good.
With respect, I don't want my hair to look a cross between Margaret Thatcher's and a brown cloud.
So what do you want me to tell her? Just tell her the truth.
I want a short back and sides.
BOTH: Teased and volumised over the crown.
Yeah.
You know, you know.
They're ready for you, Alan.
OK.
Sage advice? The only sage thing about Lynn is the colour of her clothes and the fact that she smells of stuffing.
.
.
and make sure you put the lid on.
Very nice.
So that's why they're so perfect for parties, then? Bang-on Even Alan could knock these up.
Do you mind? I use contraceptives.
That smells good.
Do you want to try one, Alan? Try one, geez.
Thanks, geez.
I don't do oyster, though.
/fon Try one, trust me.
I can't go near oyster.
I always think it looks like an octopus has blown its nose.
Or the ghost of a tongue.
Well, do you see any oyster? Uh, no, I do not.
Mmm, yeah.
That's lovely.
Very nice.
Yeah.
See, you can't taste it at You know, people always go, "Oh, I don't like oysters," but, you know, as an ingredient, you can't beat them.
And it just adds a bit of freshness to the mayo.
I didn't say I don't like oyster, I said I can't go near oyster because I'm allergic to oyster.
Seriously.
Have I eaten any oyster? Well, well, there is a little bit of mayonnaise Sorry.
OK, which bit? Erm, erm There's a blob of it there, but I don't think there's any in the bit that you bit into.
Good, thank you.
Thank goodness for that.
Don't geezers read Health and Safety briefings? Sorry.
/font That's the word I was looking for.
Right, and it's good to see you back font color You gotta come and do my show one day.
And what channel's th Channel 5.
Right.
That might be another thing I'm allergic t Ah, it's not that bad.
I'm teasing.
Food's great.
Let's go.
Now, the Palace of Westminster may be known as the Mother of Parliaments, but she's a mother who's seen better days, worn out by the 600 members inside her.
So plans are afoot to give the old girl a makeover, with work set to start on an ambitious £3 billion refurb.
But where Parliament will sit in the meantime is another question altogether.
To tell us more, we're joined live by our roving reporter, Ruth Duggan, who's roved all the way to Westminster.
Ruth, you're at the Houses of Parliament.
Well, I'm in Parliament Square, a few yards away.
In front of the Houses of Parliament, though.
Behind them, technically.
The front is the side that faces out onto the Thames.
Of course.
But I take your point.
You take my point.
I take your point.
font color="#f And this new idea of relocating to a site away from London has presumably been met with short shrift at Westminster? Well, it's not really a new idea.
But the report's new.
Exactly, Jennie.
Mm-hm, yes.
OK, but the new report, that's been met with short shrift by Westminster.
Well, not You'd be surprised at how receptive MPs have been.
Go on.
/f There are plenty of Scottish MPs who believe a move further north is a good thing.
Because it'll help their constituents feel connected to the democratic process.
That's exactly right.
M But it stands to reason that this move, it's going to cost a lot of money.
Well, actually, no.
London is one of the most expensive cities in the world, so finding a site elsewhere would pay off over the long term.
And it's possible this could lead to whole government departments leaving London, too? Well, absolutely, and the more jobs move the greater the boost to regional economies.
Which has to be a good thing.
Certainly does.
Well, I mean, it's possible that this could lead to whole government departments leaving London, too.
Well, I don't see any suggestion of that quite yet.
You agreed when she said it.
Speaking to those in Whitehall It was literally word for word .
.
there's a determination font color="#ffffff .
.
to explore the fine print of any proposal "Well, absolu .
.
before any plans are drawn up.
Well, absolutely.
Ruth Dugga And, Ruth, I believe wedding bells are in the air? Yes.
Mark, he'll be making an honest woman of me in the spring.
Aw, well, congratulations.
You must be happy.
A bit frazzled.
Lots to organise.
But happy? Well, ask me in a few months' time.
But now, I mean, yeah, you're happy.
Well, I wouldn't want to give Mark too big of a head.
But, on balance, you must be more happy than unhappy.
Well, it's all been a bit of a blur.
Well, you look happy.
I am happy.
Very happy.
Unbelievable.
Now, lots to come because as well as a performance at the top of the programme, we'll be closing the show with one, this time from Alan's very own Actually, what would you call them? Is it a barbershop quartet? Uh, well Ha-ha! They'll be chortling at that backstage.
No, no, we're a mixed vocal harmony group called The Quavers.
Ooh, a man of hidden depths.
Well, it's just something I do in my spare time, you know, a bit of fun and a great way to make new friends.
It helps me keep the loneliness wolf from the door.
No, this is the second group I've joined.
Oh, OK.
What happened to the first one? First lot turned out to be pagans who didn't like roads, but this lot are a great bunch.
The Quavers are very patriotic.
Jeff can play Rule Britannia on the bagpipes, just a kind of an anti-Scottish joke, but he does it very well, and Kim has just restored a classic MGB sports car.
Oh, very nice indeed.
Maybe I'll ask for a ride in it.
Well, I I We'll chat later.
Well, I'm sure The Quavers on This Time will be nothing like the Sex Pistols on Bill Grundy, when the punk rockers famously used colourful language that had viewers up in arms.
A bit before my time, of course, but I expect you remember that, Alan? Cheeky git! For those that don't remember, let's take a loo Yeah.
And we're off air.
30 seconds.
Are you all right? Yeah, fine, yeah.
Why? Yeah.
Kev, I feel How are you feeling? Fine.
Nothing bothering you? No.
You don't feel a bit.
.
? Lynn, stop trying to be the woman from Murder, She Wrote who was also in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and spit it out.
My mouth's going choppy, isn't it? A bit.
OK, how bad? Not as bad as last time, but How bad? On a scale of one to ten, ten.
No, I didn't want it on a scale of one to ten.
Now you've panicked me, saying ten.
We need to get you to a doctor.
Well, haven't you got any lotions or creams? What about that time you fell in the nettles at the railway? You have anaphylaxis.
I don't have adrenaline.
I know.
I've seen the way you move.
Oh! Are you all right, A Your mouth's a bit swollen.
Yes, it is.
It's fine.
No, it's just a thing that happens to me when I eat shellfish.
We should get a medic.
Can we get Alan to a medic? No, it's I don't want to be taken off the show.
It's fine, I can continue.
font color="#00 Oh, yeah, good idea.
No, don't do that.
You'll make both of them very angry.
Can we clear the set? Fine, yeah, we're good.
I'm good to g I just won't acknowledge it, we'll be fine.
I can talk.
I feel absolutely fine.
And we're on in five, four The Sex Pistols there, unleashing a volley of poor language.
Sex Pistols.
It's just out-of-tune spitting, weren't they? Why is it, though, that respectable people get all hot under the collar and their knickers in a twist when it comes to blue language? Well, to find out more, we sent Alan to explore some of our least acceptable words, and then hopefully wash his mouth out with soap.
Do you know, my dad made me do that once? I had bubbles in my sick.
I'm standing outside the British Library.
Some people say, "What's the point in libraries when we have Wikipedia? "Why not turn this place into a car park or a big Laser Quest?" And however tempting the second one might be, I would argue that, today, we need libraries more than ever.
For to me, libraries are churches for the mind, or, to put it another way, libraries are cathedrals for the mind.
This state-of-the-art storage facility is home to some 150 trillion words, and I've come here to speak with, and to, Dr Hilary Couchman about some of the very worst ones.
Dr Hilary is a respected linguist, whose timid appearance belies a fascination with some of the most appalling terms ever coined.
We begin with a tour of the building itself.
.
.
custodian for such national treasures.
That is a very smooth action.
Almost no friction.
Wonder why that is.
So there are almost 150 million items Roof rails, they're suspended, and they're load bearing, which is why it's so easy.
If they weren't, you'd have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to move that.
As it is .
.
it can be performed by a small child.
Or a seven stone weakling.
What are you, about nine? Just a bit more, I'd say.
Hilary, would you just wind the shelf towards me? OK.
Just gently.
From an engineering point of view, the building is as fascinating as the books it contains, although you're not allowed to say that to the librarians.
Alan, should I release the wall? Yeah.
Hilary Couchman, Dr Hilary Couchman, how long have humans been swearing? Well, curse words, or vulgarities, go back really as far as language itself, but when it comes to written English, we find profanities cropping up from the 13th century.
So something like this.
Should I wear gloves to handle this? The protocol is that the curator handles the material.
Oh, OK, right.
I'm pretty sure I've seen Dr David Starkey handling stuff like this on TV, and I've even seen, like, Tony Robinson have a fiddle.
The protocol is the curator handles the material.
Yeah, you've said that.
Do they ever let you guys go to an area just to relax? Because they should do.
Maybe that should be part of the protocol.
Swearing, swear words.
One of the more prominent words is the word BLEEP, but BLEEP is also common across the font color="#00f Yeah.
We also find uses of BLE We'll beep it out.
Whoa-wh-where What areas would these profanities emanate from? I'm thinking Manchester, Liverpool? No, from across the whole BLEEP Now, what we have here are parish records from Drayton in Shropshire.
Now, when would that be? That's what these trousers cost.
So what these documents show is how the earliest instances of swear words were typically found in the names of places or people.
So surnames often describe what someone was or did.
Right.
Here we have a listing for Henry font color=" Goodness me! Now, back then, the word BLEEP didn't have its current meani OK.
It actually referred to hitting or striking.
Right, good.
Well, hence the phrase, "Let's hire some Albanians to BLEEP him up.
" So there are terms that have fallen out of use.
So here in 1740, we have the term, "rantallion".
Oh, a very musical word.
Which means one whose scrotum is so relaxed as to be longer than his penis.
One wonders whether that's due to a truncated member or a distended testis.
Well, I guess it's just chicken and egg.
We also find some fairly vulgar slang words for penis, such as "beard splitter" and "arse opener".
Come on! Whilst fellatio was known as bagpiping.
Well, it makes sense.
In this 1785 book, The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, we find the term, to "huffle".
Would you like to have a guess at what that means? Phew, gosh.
I'll have a bash.
To huffle The act of putting my head between a lady's breasts and huffling.
You get the picture? No, it's another word to fellate.
Right, OK.
I always find it amusing when I ask people that question what answer I'll get.
Right, well, that's an interesting part of the protocol.
Thank you very much, Dr Hilary Mantel.
Couchman.
One who likes to squat over another.
It's my surname.
Right, yes, of course.
But swearing is also of interest to the scientific community for the sometimes unexpected ways it affects our physiology.
To find out more, I've headed to one of the UK's elite universities.
I'm in Hull.
Joseph, how does swearing affect our physiology? Well, swearing is actually processed in the different parts of the brain from other language.
We find it in the amygdala.
Oh, which I think is part of the limbic system? Yes.
Yeah, and correct me if I'm wrong, the part of the brain that governs the heart rate and pulse? Yes, exactly, as we were saying earlier.
Oh.
What we find is that when we swear, the pulse actually goes up, and we can show this with this little experiment? So in a minute, I'm going to ask you to close your eyes and imagine you're driving.
OK.
Any particular car? Just your own.
I've got a couple.
Well, either.
Well, let me finish.
I've got a saloon, which is what I'll probably use.
More suited to an urban environment.
But I also have an MG, which I use for tootling around country lanes.
But hardly likely to get annoyed in the countryside, because in the countryside There's less traffic.
font color= Good.
I'd like you to imagine that you're at a particularly difficult junction and one of the other drivers has done something to upset you.
I know exactly the junction.
Yeah, the lights only stay green for about three seconds.
You've really gotta be on your game.
Fine, so close your eyes and imagine you're at that junction.
You say something to the other driver, he says something back, you respond, but I don't want you to sear.
Oh.
So, in your own time, just say whatever you might say in that situation.
Staggering, staggering Hello, Mrs Magoo.
Mrs Magoo, I'm trying to get through.
I've been here for about half-an-hour, love.
Don't dither.
If you dither, they'll change back to red again.
That's fantastic.
Thank you.
Now, same scenario, but this time I'd like you to introduce a couple of swear words.
OK.
Oi.
Oi, Mrs Magoo, you blind ba 'Regrettably, in the moments that followed, I lost control.
' .
.
king knob! Thank you, thank you, you can open your eyes now Ah, yes, now that was very sweary.
My emotions became so untethered that the BBC's legal team will only allow the footage to be shown if played in reverse.
AUDIO IS PLAYED IN REVERSE That said, I was intrigued to observe that, as I swore, electrodermal activity did increase, suggesting a relationship between amygdala activation and heart rate, just as the doctor and I had predicted.
It had been a fascinating experiment.
Alan there with a look at some good, old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon.
And if any of you are wondering why I'm covering my mouth, very briefly, nothing to worry about.
I just had an allergic reaction to some shellfish.
There will be an internal inquiry about that.
Appropriate action will be taken.
If there are any children watching, you may want to show them from the room.
They could find it alarming.
Dogs certainly will.
But, please, don't worry.
Despite the way I look, I feel fine, and it has happened before.
It happened on my wedding day.
Oh, no! Yeah, had some shellfish.
Didn't spoil the day, no, although my then wife and I took the joint decision to have the wedding photos destroyed.
But, fine.
Oh! Well, often images are better in our memory anyway, aren't they, I think.
Oh, yes, the camera of your mind.
Camera of your mind.
Couldn't agree more.
Cheers, guys.
So any final comments on social media about sexism? Nope.
They are mostly about Alan's lips now.
Comparing them to sausages and the like? Yes.
Yeah, that's fine.
Jennie.
Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this t on This Time.
But to play us out with a song celebrating tonight's focus on female empowerment, I give you the delightful mixed vocal harmony group, The Quavers.
Ooh, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-dah Now there was a time When they used to say That behind every great man There had to be a great woman But in these times of change You know that it's no longer true Cos they're coming out of the kitchen There's something they forgot to say to you Sisters are doing it for themselves For themselves Standing on their own two feet And ringing on their own bells