Three's Company (1977) s01e05 Episode Script

Come and knock on our door we've been waiting for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company too come and dance on our floor take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is calling for you down at our rendezvous three's company too hey, that's pretty good.
Yeah, that's the first na i hit today that wasn't my own.
Okay, let's do the other end.
Okay.
Now we have to pull it really tight or else it won't hold springs, okay? Okay.
Give a heave.
Okay, it's a good thing we've got a man living with us; otherwise, we'd have to do the heavy work ourselves.
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
We have to pull together, okay? All right.
Okay go! Lying down on the job again, huh? F.
The moment my back is turn ed, the workers start goofing of where have you been? You were supposed to help us fix this couch instead of out riding your bike.
I was doing it for you.
For us? Well sure, i have to keep in shape don't i to protect you two? Ol' watch dog jack, that's me.
Well, old watch dog jack was supposed to be back here an hour ago to help.
I know, i would have been, but as i was coming home i saw a bicycle in front of me with a girl on it.
Ah ha.
That 'ah ha' was uncalled for.
The only reason i noticed her at all was because her seat was jiggling all over the place.
So naturally you had to follow her, right? Well, sure i was worried about her.
A loose seat can be very dangerous.
T.
Especially with yo u behind i that was unworthy of you, janet.
I thought it was very good.
U.
Thank yo anyway, i stopped her and i fixed her seat.
How about getting behind this couch and helping us fix it, huh? No sweat.
Are you girls luck you got a man around this house.
Now watch and learn.
Hammer, please.
Tacks.
Okay.
Not just one, give me a whole handful.
Yes, but wouldn't it be easier if i held them? Haven't you ever seen the way a real upholsterer works? One at a time is a waste of time.
Careful! There, see how easy that is? How can you talk so clearly with all those tacks in your mouth? I don't have- i'll get you some water.
No water, the tacks will get rusty.
What? Oh! Oh, my tooth! What's all that thumping going on up there? They're redecorating, stanley.
What for? I already redecorated.
You did a very nice job, too, but i think the styles have changed since 1947.
It was two years ago.
I remember it perfectly because your mother was visiting.
Well, i don't see how anything could get that grubby in two years.
Don't look at me; it's your mother.
There, there it is stanley, look, look.
How would you like to see me coming to bed in that? A golf cart? The other page, stupid, the red see-thru nightie.
Rt.
You'd look be tter in the golf ca that's the trouble with you , stanley, you wouldn't even notice if i came to bed wearing nothing.
Oh, you're wrong there.
I'd be the first to complain.
Oh, why don't you go see your dentist? What for? Because your toothache is giving me a pain.
Then you go see the dentist.
The place i got a pain, you don't see a dentist.
All right i'll go.
I'll go tomorrow.
Yeah, you wait much longer and you'll be able to mail your teeth in.
Oh, that's cute, that's cute, helen, the way you'll step on a gu y when he's down.
Look, stanley, do me a favor and take a couple of aspirin.
A couple of aspirin won't stop this pain.
Then take the whole bottle.
That could kill me.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Ms.
Merry widow.
Only joking, stanley.
But as long as your looking through that catalog, would you see if that nightie comes in black? Let it down, let it down, let it down.
T? How's tha pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! It's on my foot! Oh! Oh, jack, oh, jack, we're sorry .
are you all right? Oh, fine, nine toes are more than enough for anybody.
Oh.
Oh, are you okay? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, all right then, let's try it out.
Oh, hey, this is really firm now and comfortable.
Well, what do you expect when you got a man who knows how to put things together- okay, get up.
Come on, let's get it right.
Up, up, up.
Relax, will you, coach i would hate to work for you in your flower shop.
I bet you've got all the daisie s standing at attention.
He's right, janet, it's saturday.
I'd really like to get out.
Janet, it's o ur one day off.
Come on, come on, come on.
We have to have some time to- we agreed we were going to work on the apartment this weekend.
All right, well, i've had i t with this couch.
Okay, then we'll do the wallpaper.
Show it to him, chrissy.
This should be a thrill.
What do you think of this? It's kind of plain, isn't it? That's the back.
I knew that.
I like the back better.
Alright, you two, now let's get to work.
Fixing the couch or putting up the wall paper.
Or going to the pub.
I pick that one.
Let's go.
Moving out.
Oh, hey, wait for me.
So, once we got past the breakwater, i said to her, i said, "what do you say you and me go below and mess around?" Me.
Hey, that smooth t alk gets them every ti she also knew it was a long swim back to shore.
What happened to her boyfriend? He's probably still swimming.
, wait, wait, wa it, wait, wait, wait, wait ght.
Let's get one thing strai this is just a little work break.
Re.
We're not going to spen d the whole night he relax, will you? She's such a slave driver look, we'll just have a couple of beers and then we'll go back you can work on the walls and chrissy and i'll get on the sofa.
At? Wh to work.
Let's grab this table.
S? Boy, you k now what jack's trouble i azy.
He's just plain l all men are like that; it's in their jeans.
Thanks, jim.
Oh, yeah, they'd like two egg salads on white and i'll have a chicken sandwic on wheat toast.
Aw, ain't that a shame? That poor guy got stuck with two broads.
I think i'll do him a favor rt.
You got a good hea yes, just watch the old pro in action.
Janet, look, fixing the couch is a man's job.
What? Sure, men are just naturally stronger than women.
Oh, here we go all through the ages, men have been the builders, the protectors, the hewers of wood, while women have sat at home learning how to put on eye shadow.
Oh, come on.
Hi, honey, buy you a drink? Oh, no thanks.
Go ahead, jack , we're really interested oh, excuse me, well what i meant was you just can't ignore the physical differences of- you know i've always been partial to blondes that's nice.
Have you thought about getting yourself a cocker spaniel? Hey, you don't kn ow what you're missing why don't you take a walk? R.
I've got a 35 - foot cabin cruise all right, take a cruise.
Go ahead, jack.
Ahead? Well, what i meant was is that men are physically stronger than the-than the- hey listen, are you with anybody? I am with him.
Him? Huh? Oh well yes, in a sense, i mean we're all together hey sonny, do me a favor, butt out.
Listen, i think i should warn you- and i think i should warn you, the last guy who warned me about something got all his teeth knocked out.
Oh, well, i wouldn't want that to happen.
My father paid a fortune for my braces.
Come on, jeff, come on, you haven't finished your drink yes, right, right.
I'll be back here tomorrow, babe, but don't bring him along he frightens me.
Well, i didn't want to cause a scene.
No, no sense in that.
No.
You were perfectly right, jac k.
I wasn't scared or anything , he just- hey, you did the right thing.
M.
You st ood up to hi yes, and then you sat down again.
I mean that you didn't want to cause a scene.
Oh, hi kids.
Hi.
Re.
Hi the i'm in agony, helen.
This tooth is killing me.
But does anybody feel sorry for me? Yes, stanley, you do.
Hey, jim, give him a brandy, will you? Sure.
I don't know if i can open my lips wide enough to drink it.
Could you put it in a baby bottle? You're mo uth giving you trouble? Not as much as hers.
Oh! You clumsy idiot.
Why don't you watch where you put your elbows, stupid.
Where do all of these stupid people come from, anyway? Stupid? Yeah.
Pop.
You're absolutely right, barkeep, give my friend here another brandy we just made an important discovery we just found a man in this joint.
Makes me feel real good to see a little runt like you stick up for his rights.
Thank you.
Let's see you two are the egg salad- thank you.
And i believe you're the chicken.
Good morning! I am all ready and waiting for my cooking lesson.
Your what? You're going to show me how to make a cheese omelet, remember? Not today.
Oh, come on, jack, please? Come on, the cheese is ripe.
You'll love it.
At? What kind of a crack is th what? Cheese.
You mean i'm a mouse not a man, i get it.
Well, i don't blame you janet, janet, you've go t to take the plastic wrap off before you slice it.
Don't you know anything gee whiz, what's bugging you? I was just thinking of what a coward i was last night.
You were not a coward.
I was yellow; let's face it i've got chicken in my blood.
Aw, come on jack, cut it out.
Even the kids at school could spot it.
Fat kenny jensen would threaten to beat me up every morning unless i gave him a nickel.
What did you do? I put him through college.
Aw, come on, jack.
You did the right thing last night.
Remember, he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.
S? Will you can i t with the proverb ay.
Besides, i didn't fig ht and run aw t.
That's the whole poin well, he who doesn't figh t and runs away, lives to run another day.
I'm going to shave.
Hey wait; aren't you going to show me how to make my omelet? Me? I couldn't even beat up an egg.
Who's there? Oh, i'm sorry, chrissy.
I didn't know you were in here.
I am taking a shower.
Do you mind? I won't be a minute.
I'll just get my shaving stuff and split.
Hey, when are you going to fix the lock on that door? Why don't you call a man to do it? We've got a man, you.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Hey, you can't see through this curtain, can you? No, that's why i bought this can.
It dissolves plastic instantly.
Jack, i am warning you.
If you- chrissy, chrissy, i am so down this morning; i couldn't even raise a smile.
Why? Do you think i'm a coward oh, come on, don't take i t so seriously.
I mean, you did the right thing not doing anything.
I mean, if you would have done something, he would have done something, and you wouldn't be able to do anything, would you? What? Will you forget about last night? We don't think badly of you we like you just the way you are, with a face and everything.
Pow! Pow! Pow, pow, pow, pow! Oh, here's your sunday breakfast, stanley.
Look, helen, i still got it! Where? You saw how i stood him up to him, eyeball to eyeball.
Eyeball to navel, you mean.
He was shaking, helen.
He was trying to control his laughter, stanley.
He apologized.
Yes, he was afraid of what might happen if he hit you.
I know what would have happened.
Yeah, i know what woul d have happened, too l.
I'd have been able to buy t hat black nightgown after al see what you did? You brought the pain back.
Y.
Oh, i'm sorry, stanle t.
I thought you we re very brave last nigh thank you.
Where's the sunday paper? T.
Oh, it hasn't come ye maybe i made the sports page.
Or the funnies.
That's funny, really funny.
Any coffee left? Yeah.
Hey, how come we got the sunday paper delivered? We don't have a subscription.
Well, i don't know.
I heard it land on the front balcony this morning so i went out and got it.
Oh.
You know, that paper boy was so thoughtful.
He waited for me to bend over and pick it up before he rode away.
You enjoying the funnies, jack? Yeah.
Oh.
That's good.
I'm glad you found something to take your mind off last night.
There's this little guy, you see, and he's being tormented by his foreman who's this big bully- and then over here, the little guy dumps a can of paint on the bully's head- and why couldn't i have done that? Because you can't draw.
Besides, it's pretty hard to find a can of paint in a pub.
All over the world, little guys are standing up to tyrants, but not me.
Well, i hate violence.
In fact, my father always told us in his sermons, "he who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword.
" Yeah, well you can tell your father that if i had been david, goliath would still be alive today.
Come on, jack, will you stop putting yourself down? If i had any guts i would have rung his neck.
I would have stood up to him and torn him apart.
Good morning.
Er i was wonderin g if my sunday pap e? Was delivered here by mistak your sunday paper? T, yeah, you know i love to l ook at the funnies over breakfas especially "andy capp.
Now there's a guy that know s how to treat the women he cracks me up.
Ah, well, here's most of him.
Why would anybody do this to andy capp? Oh, mr.
Roper, it was an accident.
Where's the rest of the paper? Well, i think it's in the- - excuse me, i think it's right in here.
Roper's paper-oh, my lor d, what happened? Roper? I knocked the coffee pot over.
Well, he's right out there.
Listen, will you hurry? I got to- it was an accident.
What am i supposed to do with this? Well, maybe if mrs.
Roper put it in the dryer? You ruined my sunday, i hope you realize that.
Mr.
Roper, we're really sorry.
R look, to make up for it, why don't i buy you a bee down at the pub tonight? You're not going to go down to the pub again tonight- what? Oh, hey, i was thinking it would be so great to stay home tonight and relax.
Ah.
Oh, ye oh, oh, i heard about you and that fellow.
You know, he never should have picked on somebody like you.
What's that supposed to mean? Ht; well, you could never get into a fig ls.
It would ruin your nai ng.
You kn ow, jack did the right thi d.
Fighting's uncivilize yeah.
Ld you kn ow, if women ran the wor rs.
There'd be no ne of these stupid wa yes, all the countries would nag each other to death.
Say mr.
Roper? Yes, tinkerbell? I'm jack.
My name is jack.
Oh, i'm sorry, jack en.
Oh, helen, helen, list re i was just telli ng all the girls he that if they need protection they know where to come.
Oh, yeah.
Look, stanley, i finally got your dentist on the phone and he says he can take you right now.
Oh, oh.
Oh, no.
He says it's very simple.
One quick yank- oh, now, don't you fuss.
If you're good he'll probably give you a lollipop.
Three beer's, jim.
No wait, make mine a whiskey.
Boy, this is so cr azy coming here.
Ay? What's he tryin g to prove, anyw oh, i know what he's up to.
See, if that big creep hits him and puts him in the hospital, he won't be around to help us redecorate.
Ahhhh.
Has kong been in here tonight? No, i don't think he'll be around tonight.
Oh, good.
I mean good for him, i mean.
Hey, let's just drink up an get out of here really quick, just in case, okay? Chrissy, a man's got to d o what a man's got to do.
John wayne rides again.
You know, janet and i will respect you a lot more if you don't fight him.
It will show that you are more a man than he is.
More a man, really? Yes.
Well, if he comes up and apologizes i might let him off the hook, after all, i am a civilized kind of- there he is.
Wha-? Two beers.
Hello, sweetie.
That does it, he's asking for it.
And you' ’re going to get it.
He only said hello.
Yes, but the way he said it, "hello, sweetie.
" Re.
Don't go up the i'm going to order some sandwiches.
O.
No, i will g you stay right here.
If he starts anything, there's going to be serious trouble.
Hi.
I wanted to talk to you about my friend.
Eat.
Yeah, she's n the four of us could have a good time.
Do you want me to get rid of that jerk for you? The jerk is the friend i was talking about.
He's going to knock your block off.
Oh, that does it.
He's only laughing, i mean jane is funny sometimes, you know? Well, why isn't he laughing now is he insulting you? No.
Well, he insulted you and chrissy last night and well- well what? Well, i think, you know, you owe someone an apology.
What? Hey man, you behaved like a creep in here last night, insulting women, spoiling people's evenings out, knocking drinks over.
Oh, i'm really sorry- listen- no, i'm not sorry.
I'm glad i did that and i got a suggestion for you, big man.
Why don't you bug out, leave, vamoose, or i'll waa! Okay, okay, i'm sorry.
Just don't get mad.
Is he gone? He sure is.
You were fantastic.
Jack, you were terrific.
Come on, let's go back to the table and finish our drink.
I don't think i can move.
Okay, okay.
Here you go, jack, on the house.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, i didn't know about that steel plate in your head.
What plate? The one you got saving your platoon in vietnam? Viet-? Janet.
Oh, well, i kind of told that to the creep so he'd think twice before killing you.
Thanks a lot, now i feel like a fool.
Oh, well you shouldn't.
You were very brave.
Brave? Well, yes, i mean, you stood up to that guy even though you thought he might murder you.
I? That's true i did, didn't id.
Oh, you sure d i guess i was a hero even if i didn't go to vietnam what's that? Cambodia.
It was cambodia.
I had a grenade in my hand and- three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience.