Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
April Macie
1 April Macie is unlike any other comedian.
She speaks about what's true to her heart, and she is not afraid to talk about what makes her feel good.
She wants women to not feel any shame about their sexuality or about their body.
Like, that's your thing and you should be proud of it.
- We gonna do our thing - They ready, I think they ready - They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world There goes April! Oh, look how cute you are! - So happy you're here! - Aww! - Oh! You look cute.
- Would you like some champagne? - Yes.
- Or sparkling Kool-Aid? You know I day-drink.
I'm April Macie and I've been doing comedy for 17 years.
There's no reason to be a lady comic if you had a normal upbringing.
If you had homemade pudding in your fridge and lots of hugs growin' up, you don't do this shit.
It was my dad who told me, "You're not good at anything else.
- Might as well try stand-up.
" - They all the way ready April, I wanna know, why do you do comedy? 'Cause I have no other life skills, and I had a sad, tragic childhood.
And I think it would relieve pressure in my household, like, it was the only bit of happiness and joy when you're surrounded by a lot of sadness, so I was always just Shucky Duckying throughout life.
[all laughing.]
[April.]
There's so many challenges as a female comic.
You look at comedy club calendars and there's just no women.
It's like, if there's one woman in every four months, you're kind of lucky, and there's a chance the woman's a medium.
Really? Why do you have to speak to the dead to get stage time? [laughs.]
I feel like women are half an audience and women are the social planners and women come out in lady packs.
Like, why are comedy clubs still Like, one woman every four months? That's why I put this together, 'cause everybody sittin' here is a headliner, and I want everybody in the world to know that you all are super talented.
Tiffany and I met years ago.
We became friends.
She lived with me for a little while.
She was in my wedding, threatened my husband to murder him if he ever hurt me, which I thought was very satisfying.
It feels good to know that a friend would reach out.
Goddamn it, I'm cryin' again! Aaaah! [laughs.]
You just work for something for so long and I couldn't be more excited.
It's about fuckin' time.
[crowd cheering.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah [Tiffany.]
All right, y'all, make a whole lot of noise for the last black unicorn, Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Welcome! Hello and welcome to They Ready! [cheering.]
This comedian I'm bringin' to the stage right now, when I think of the words "Ride or die," I always think April Macie.
[cheering and applause.]
She's my friend, my partner in crime, and she fine as a dime.
Make a whole lot of noise for April Macie! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, shit! Oh, man! I'm fucked up, that's why I do this shit, everybody! Yeah, there is no reason to seek validation from a room full of strangers unless your parents didn't hug you enough, so here I am! - Yeah.
That's right.
- [cheering.]
Yeah! Normal women don't tell dick jokes, but I do, so let's do this shit! Yeah! All right! I wasn't raised right, as you can tell.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah, my mom drinks every night and paints pictures of her and Michael Bolton in various tender embraces, so That's true.
I grew up poor.
That was my first birthday right there.
I grew up really poor? Yeah.
So I've come a long fuckin' way.
We were so poor, my dad bought all of his medicine at pet stores and insisted it was the same thing.
- [audience laughs.]
- Yeah.
Yeah! He was like, "April, penicillin's penicillin.
Fish penicillin, people penicillin.
That's just fuckin' penicillin.
" I'm like, "No.
No, Dad.
There's a fucking guppy on that bottle right there.
That's a guppy.
" That's not even a pill, that's a pellet you drop into a tank when a fish has a fucked-up fin and keeps hittin' its head on the reef, just swimmin' and hittin' That's not for human consumption.
I know a doctor did not prescribe that shit.
He's like, "Aah, what do doctors know?" I'm like, "More than you and that fuckin' Petco cashier, that's for sure.
" [audience laughs.]
No, I have a friend, she gets so mad at me.
'Cause I had a fucked-up childhood, and she's like, "April, you can't blame your parents anymore for your problems, okay? You're an adult, you make your own decisions.
" I'm like, "Yeah, bitch, you can say that 'cause you grew up with homemade pudding and positive reinforcement.
" Yeah! I grew up with a family of alcoholics and front lawn fights.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah! Last Christmas, we had a double butter knife stabbing in the living room.
My crackhead cousin didn't get the Secret Santa gift she had her eye on, and she just fuckin' butter-knifed a man.
[audience laughs.]
I'm fucked-up, yeah! I have an uncle I have an uncle that was arrested for DUI by a cop on a horse.
[audience laughs.]
I grew up I grew up with an aunt that's a paranoid schizophrenic.
Anybody else? No, crazy is fun as shit when you're a little kid, 'cause you both have imaginary friends, right? Yeah! I'd go to her like, "Aunt Carol, I think I saw the boogeyman.
" And she was like, "His name's Carl.
" [audience laughs.]
No, my aunt was crazy, my grandmother had a stroke when I was in second grade and she she lost her speech.
She only retained the words "good," "boy," "son of a bitch," "goddamn it," "cocksucker," "fuck" and "raisins.
" That was it.
That was her whole vocabulary.
Swear to God.
Oh, and she could sing "Happy Birthday," which made birthdays so fuckin' fun, 'cause every once in a while, you get a few "fuck shit raisins" throw in, which is a good time.
Happy birthday Shit fuck raisins! You're like, "Oh, man, Grandma knows how to party!" No, so my aunt was crazy, my grandmother didn't talk, and I also had this uncle, he was in a car accident when he was 18 and he was left kind of folded up in a chair.
Yeah, they would just wheel him out on holidays like he was some sorta ornamental decoration.
Put a fuckin' bow on his head, give him a blanket.
You're like, "What the fuck? Poor Uncle Henry.
" So, as a kid, right, we'd all load up, the whole crazy family, we'd go on vacation.
And we didn't go to, like, Disneyland.
We went to, like, some KOA campground and went blueberry picking.
'Cause nothin' spells vacation for a kid like fuckin' pickin' fruit with the elderly, the mentally ill, and the disabled.
- That's a good fuckin' time.
Yeah.
- [audience laughs.]
And we'd all go to the beach, like, the whole fuckin' crazy family would load up and they would make me push my Uncle Henry down the beach in his wheelchair.
I don't know if you know how fuckin' strong you have to be to push a 190-pound fucking quadriplegic man in sand.
- But that fucker was heavy, right? - [audience laughs.]
And they would just load shit on top of him.
They'd put a case of beer on his lap [audience laughs.]
Yeah, they'd just hang all the lawn chairs off the handle.
Sometimes, my nana, her feet would hurt, right, cos of the 'betes.
She'd just hitch a ride for a few minutes, right? They would turn my Uncle Henry into a disabled dolly, right? And then my crazy aunt would be like, "They're watching us! They're watching us!" And I'm ten, like, "No fuck! Everybody's watchin' us!" [audience laughs and applauds.]
And that's why I talk about dicks to strangers today, everybody.
That's why I talk about dicks.
- [cheering and applause.]
- Yeah.
Thanks.
[chuckles.]
Thanks, guys.
No, I'm not ashamed.
I had sex really early.
By early I mean, after it happened, I went home and watched Fraggle Rock, so [audience groaning.]
No shit! That's a great fuckin' show! Wipe the tears away, bop-bop! Come on! [chuckles.]
You know, I don't get it.
Why do people attach shame? It's like the one common denominator for all of humanity, right? And people are always like, "Ah, sex is dirty.
Sex is dirty.
" I'm like, "No, it's not.
Sex is fun.
Fuck it.
Put a horse head on him, ride around the livin' room.
Do some fun shit!" - Yeah.
- [woman.]
Whoo! Yeah, thank you.
One whore in the back.
Thank you.
[audience laughs.]
No, my my husband thinks I'm really kinky 'cause I like to be tied up and blindfolded.
I was like, "Babe, I'm just lazy.
I'm fuckin' nappin' under there.
" [audience laughs.]
No, do you guys know, Americans have always been really puritanical when it comes to sex? I saw this on the internet I believe everything I see on the internet, as should you.
Raise your hand if you've heard this.
Basically, in the Victorian era, if a woman had any sexual feeling or any sexual urge, they thought she was just crazy, right? Women were not expected to have any sexual desires, and they thought peens were just runnin' the show.
They didn't know about the clit game yet.
You guys know this? They thought And they thought clitoral stimulation cured disease.
So here's what women did.
Women just made up a fuckin' "I need a diddle" disease called "hysteria.
" - Do you guys know this? - [woman.]
Whoo! Yeah, women would go to the doctor complaining of hysteria and the doctors would manually stimulate these women to climax.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How fucking awesome is that? [audience laughs and cheers.]
Yeah.
If they did that today, not one woman is here.
We're all lined up.
We're in line like that shit's is Black Friday, and we need a cheap TV, just Just Just ready to slide that co-pay.
Yeah.
That's how the vibrator was invented.
Did you guys know that? Yeah, 'cause this doctor, he had so many ladies pullin' up in horse and buggies and stagecoaches.
He was like, "I cannot keep this shit up all day.
" He was like, "Seriously, I'm gonna get tendinitis.
What the fuck is that? Just" [audience laughs.]
So he invented the vibrator.
And by the way, first vibrator? Awesome.
It had a hand crank.
You had to crank that shit.
Just Like you're watchin' old silent film or makin' ice cream, just There was another This is my favorite vibrator! It was like a fuckin' power washer.
Like, women would just stand there and they would just get a fire hose to the cooch, right? Swear to God! They called it a pelvic douche.
It looks like something you'd use to clean aluminum siding.
How fuckin' awesome is that? [audience laughs and cheers.]
I feel like most women do most of their masturbating in the shower.
Am I alone? Little removable shower head, little bah-bah-bah-bah-bah Yeah? If you don't have a removable shower head, you can always make do with the bathtub faucet.
Where my faucet ladies at? [audience laughs.]
There's a faucet lady right here! There you are! And some of you look confused.
You ever try the faucet? I like the guys, they're like, "What the fuck's goin' on in the bathtub? [audience laughs.]
I thought she was takin' long baths!" Ladies, if you haven't tried it, you're gonna try this shit when you go home, all right? You guys have homework assignments after the show.
But it's my job to warn you, you might drown.
All right? [audience laughs.]
Yeah, 'cause here's what happens.
Your butt is parked over the drain, your butt acts as a permanent stopper, right? So water water just starts slowly fillin' up.
[audience laughs.]
[audience cheers.]
[chuckles.]
Yeah! You're just in your own bathtub trying to float yourself to stay alive, just [cheering.]
Thanks, guys! Yeah.
Yes! [chuckles.]
Yeah.
Sometimes, the water gets too high.
You don't wanna fuck up the bathroom, so what you gotta do is you just drain, and then you sit there cold and creepy.
Right? Just cold A little creepy And then you start again, 'cause ladies aren't quitters, right? Like, "I wanna get this shit done!" [audience laughs and cheers.]
"It's gonna happen!" "If I have to go to the garage to get out floaties and a snorkel, this shit's gonna happen!" [audience laughs.]
Look.
Men aren't embarrassed.
Look, guys, clap if you masturbate, just the guys.
- [applause.]
- Whoo.
A few dudes not clappin'.
I call bullshit.
First of all, a man that doesn't masturbate is a dude that keeps, like, 17 Asian women playing violin in a well somewhere, right? [audience laughs.]
"I wanna go home!" Aren't you sad? Men are never embarrassed! Like, here's a question, sir.
What's it called when you hook up with a chick I don't know how you do it, but this is what I'm fuckin' bringin'.
Look at me! Don't you look away when I'm fuckin' the air.
You look at me! [audience laughs.]
Like, "You want some? You want some?" You're like, "Fuck, no! I can't even look at it, what the fuck?" Like, "God, that's like lookin' at the sun.
Holy shit.
" You're like, "No, thanks.
I'm gonna be over here watchin' Property Brothers until that shit stops.
" [audience laughs.]
Oh, man.
I love those fuckin' Property Brothers.
They're my perfect idea of a threesome, right? One, you're fuckin' twins.
You don't have to feel bad about yourself.
You're not even fuckin' two dudes, you're fuckin' the same dude twice.
Look at that shit! [audience laughs.]
You're like, "It's not my fault! I'm not slutty, that's just a fuckin' egg that split there.
That's not my fault!" [audience laughs.]
Oh, shit.
Do you ladies like a big wiener or a small wiener? - [woman.]
Big.
- Big? Oh, shit! Okay.
I don't! I like a small I like a small I like a small wiener.
Here's why.
You know why? Big dicks go wanderin'.
Little dicks stay home, play Monopoly with you on a Sunday, right? Yeah! Uh, that's right! That's right.
I want a board game dick.
That's what I want.
[audience laughs.]
I do! I feel like porn is just fucking with men's self-esteem, right? 'Cause all men are convinced that women want these big old hogs.
And I don't Like my husband, he's convinced.
He thinks all women just wanna gobble that fuckin' porn star dick meat.
I think they're creepy.
You ever see a porn star dick on a computer and maybe you're a little far away, you don't have your glasses, your contacts in, and at first you can't even recognize it as a dick? Right? Or my husband, he'll be very serious, like, "Babe, seriously, you wouldn't want that?" I'm like, "Wait, what, that's a dick?" [audience laughs.]
I'm like, "Oh, fuck, babe! I thought that was a Doberman! Holy shit!" [audience laughs.]
"I swear to God, I thought you were watchin' a dog show, babe.
I don't think that's a fuckin' dick, that's a service animal right there.
That should help somebody.
That That dick needs a vest.
" [audience laughs.]
Oof.
You know, to alert people that dick's comin'.
Oh, man.
I just got married, everybody! - [cheering.]
- Yeah.
Oh! [chuckles.]
Thanks! Aw, look at that! You don't have to clap.
He's Iranian, he can't get in the country.
That's fuckin' true, everybody.
That's true.
I've always been into foreigners.
Anybody else into foreigners? - [cheering.]
- Yeah? Awesome! Not the kind you can get here, the kind you can import for three months till their visas expire.
And then you can send 'em home if you don't like 'em.
America has a great return policy on foreigners right now.
Yeah! You don't have to break up with 'em, America does it for you, right? Like, "Hey, it's not me.
It's America.
She said you gotta go.
I'm so sorry.
" Yeah.
No, my husband and I, he lives in Florence, Italy, that's where we met.
And he's lived there since he was 17, and we got married September 2nd.
Our visa was denied September 18th because of the travel ban, right? And I was fuckin' pissed, right? 'Cause it took me a long fuckin' time to find a husband.
I'm crazy as shit, right? Do you know how hard it is to tell dick jokes and fuckin' scoop a man? That shit's fuckin' hard! Right? So So I was pissed.
We were in the U.
S.
consulate in Naples, Italy and I was fuckin' furious, so I turned to my husband, I was like, "Babe.
" I saw a picture of the president on the wall.
I was like, "I'm gonna fuckin' rip that down!" He was like, "Hey! Hey! Cuckoo bear! Cuckoo bear!" He's like, "You can't fuckin' vandalize a consulate! You're white, you'll walk.
I'm brown.
They're gonna fuckin' kill me.
So don't do that shit.
" [audience laughs.]
No, so now, for the travel ban, we had to file this waiver, we have to prove three things.
We have to prove, one, that my husband's not a national threat.
I'm like, "He wears skinny jeans and lives in Florence, Italy.
[audience laughs.]
When the fuck have you ever seen a threatening man in a pair of skinny jeans coming at you, right?" I'm like, "My husband, literally, in the morning, he points his toes to get it into pants.
" Really does just He You know, just Kind of like [audience laughs.]
I'm like, "That's what you're afraid of?" I'm like, "That's not a fuckin' terrorist! That's a ballerina right there! Look at that!" [audience laughs.]
Yeah! And I'm like, "He's He's not a national threat! I am! I'm crazy as fuck!" I got a restraining order for slappin' a man when he was takin' a shit.
Anybody else? [audience laughs.]
No? Just me? All right, thought we were friends.
Fuck you guys! All right.
All I'm sayin' is this.
Ladies, if you ever wanna hit a man, you hit him when he's shitting, and here's why, right? 'Cause a man will not get off a toilet to hit you, right? He won't.
His pants are around his ankles.
Even if he tries, he's not gonna get that far as he chases you.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
So now we have to prove he's not a national threat, we also have to prove he's of national interest.
Does anybody in here feel like you're of national interest? - [silence.]
- Right? Who the fuck's of national interest? I've done some cool shit in my life, I've been to 67 countries, I got to sleep in Saddam Hussein's palace when I went to entertain overseas, right? Cool shit, but I'm not of national interest.
I'm like, "You know who's of national interest? Elon Musk.
" That dude knows how to get fuckin' humans to space.
I'm so dumb, I bought a car 'cause it smelled good.
That's where I'm at, right? I'm dumb, I'm not that bright.
My husband is so much smarter than me.
My husband speaks four languages, completely fluent, English, Italian, Farsi, and Spanish.
I thought Yeah.
I thought I was killin' it 'cause I know all the words to the Humpty Dance, that's where I'm at.
[audience laughs.]
I was like, "But do you know he got busy in a Burger King bathroom?" [audience laughs.]
And he's arrogant! Right? The other day, he says to me, he goes, "Hey, babe, I think I might pick up French this next month or two.
" I was like, "Motherfucker, you pick up an STD or a hooker.
You learn French, you fuckin' asshole!" Right? Yes, he's a much better human than me.
He's a much better trade for America.
Like, I'm such a fuckin' asshole, my favorite thing to do, I love to send my husband videos of Americans that are allowed to live here.
Yeah! I love it! I love it.
Yeah! I found this woman, she was shooting bottle rockets out of her ass at Walmart.
She set her cooch hair on fire in the toy aisle.
And I was like, "Babe, she's fuckin' one of us, you leave her alone, right?" Yeah.
Oh, we also have to prove undue hardship.
I'm like, "What's not a hardship about having a husband that lives in another country?" I'm like, "My husband couldn't be here tonight because of this fuckin' travel ban, so that's" And I want a fuckin' baby.
I'm gettin' old.
I got, like, 17 fuckin' eggs left.
That's all I got.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah, pretty soon, you'll have to take my vag out, hang it on a clothesline and beat it with a broom, like an old rug, just to get an egg out.
[audience laughs.]
No, my husband, he is, he's a much nicer person than me.
This is how you know.
His ex-wife, they were married for ten years, she cheated for the last two years of their marriage, right? And she never worked, which makes me so fuckin' mad.
She, yeah, never worked, he just paid for her to get multiple masters degrees in the French horn.
I was like, "Wait, what?" I was like, "This bitch looks like Edward James Olmos.
She got to sit home, fuckin' toot her French horn, eatin' snacks? I'm over here peddlin' my fuckin' wiener jokes from town to town.
[audience laughs.]
What kind of fucking bullshit is this?" [chuckles.]
So I was furious, right? And this is the kicker, right? She cheated with a dude who plays It's like I think it's called a santur.
It's like a Persian xylophone.
I was like, "You got cheated on with a dude that plays the dinky-donks? That's fucking hilarious!" [audience laughs.]
I'm like, "That's an unfuckable instrument.
" The French horn and the xylophone, there is nothin' less fuckable, unless he played the spoons on his mouth.
Nothin' else.
And here's the kicker, right? Here's the kicker.
So, because she never worked The guy she cheated with lived in Iran.
So, without my husband's knowledge, he was paying for her flights to go fuck this dude.
- [groaning.]
- Yeah, that's what I said! I was like, "What'd you do when you found out?" I was like, "Did you wrap that fuckin' French horn around her neck?" I was like, "Did you set her shit on fire?" And he got scared 'cause he could see the instability in my eyes.
- [audience laughs and cheers.]
- Yeah! He did.
He was like, "Oh, God, no.
Why? Why, April? Why would I do that? He was like, "I knew that would hurt me a lot more than it would hurt her.
" He's like, "I just wanted a peaceful separation.
I knew the relationship was over.
I just wanted to be amicable and go our separate ways.
" And I was like, "Oh.
[audience laughs.]
Okay.
Well, just so you know If you ever cheat on me I'm gonna put a bomb-making pamphlet and a few lug nuts in your backpack.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah! Send you off to the airport! Good Good luck at immigration!" - [audience laughs.]
- Yeah, I told you I wasn't normal! Thank you guys so much, everybody! [audience cheers.]
There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me - Ohhhh! - I'm so proud of you! - Thank you so much! - So proud of you.
You ready! They ready, I think they ready I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - They ready, I think they ready - We gonna do our thing I think they ready They all the way ready - [Page Hurwitz.]
Oy vey.
- [Wanda Sykes.]
Use your knees! Push it!
She speaks about what's true to her heart, and she is not afraid to talk about what makes her feel good.
She wants women to not feel any shame about their sexuality or about their body.
Like, that's your thing and you should be proud of it.
- We gonna do our thing - They ready, I think they ready - They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world There goes April! Oh, look how cute you are! - So happy you're here! - Aww! - Oh! You look cute.
- Would you like some champagne? - Yes.
- Or sparkling Kool-Aid? You know I day-drink.
I'm April Macie and I've been doing comedy for 17 years.
There's no reason to be a lady comic if you had a normal upbringing.
If you had homemade pudding in your fridge and lots of hugs growin' up, you don't do this shit.
It was my dad who told me, "You're not good at anything else.
- Might as well try stand-up.
" - They all the way ready April, I wanna know, why do you do comedy? 'Cause I have no other life skills, and I had a sad, tragic childhood.
And I think it would relieve pressure in my household, like, it was the only bit of happiness and joy when you're surrounded by a lot of sadness, so I was always just Shucky Duckying throughout life.
[all laughing.]
[April.]
There's so many challenges as a female comic.
You look at comedy club calendars and there's just no women.
It's like, if there's one woman in every four months, you're kind of lucky, and there's a chance the woman's a medium.
Really? Why do you have to speak to the dead to get stage time? [laughs.]
I feel like women are half an audience and women are the social planners and women come out in lady packs.
Like, why are comedy clubs still Like, one woman every four months? That's why I put this together, 'cause everybody sittin' here is a headliner, and I want everybody in the world to know that you all are super talented.
Tiffany and I met years ago.
We became friends.
She lived with me for a little while.
She was in my wedding, threatened my husband to murder him if he ever hurt me, which I thought was very satisfying.
It feels good to know that a friend would reach out.
Goddamn it, I'm cryin' again! Aaaah! [laughs.]
You just work for something for so long and I couldn't be more excited.
It's about fuckin' time.
[crowd cheering.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah [Tiffany.]
All right, y'all, make a whole lot of noise for the last black unicorn, Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Welcome! Hello and welcome to They Ready! [cheering.]
This comedian I'm bringin' to the stage right now, when I think of the words "Ride or die," I always think April Macie.
[cheering and applause.]
She's my friend, my partner in crime, and she fine as a dime.
Make a whole lot of noise for April Macie! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, shit! Oh, man! I'm fucked up, that's why I do this shit, everybody! Yeah, there is no reason to seek validation from a room full of strangers unless your parents didn't hug you enough, so here I am! - Yeah.
That's right.
- [cheering.]
Yeah! Normal women don't tell dick jokes, but I do, so let's do this shit! Yeah! All right! I wasn't raised right, as you can tell.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah, my mom drinks every night and paints pictures of her and Michael Bolton in various tender embraces, so That's true.
I grew up poor.
That was my first birthday right there.
I grew up really poor? Yeah.
So I've come a long fuckin' way.
We were so poor, my dad bought all of his medicine at pet stores and insisted it was the same thing.
- [audience laughs.]
- Yeah.
Yeah! He was like, "April, penicillin's penicillin.
Fish penicillin, people penicillin.
That's just fuckin' penicillin.
" I'm like, "No.
No, Dad.
There's a fucking guppy on that bottle right there.
That's a guppy.
" That's not even a pill, that's a pellet you drop into a tank when a fish has a fucked-up fin and keeps hittin' its head on the reef, just swimmin' and hittin' That's not for human consumption.
I know a doctor did not prescribe that shit.
He's like, "Aah, what do doctors know?" I'm like, "More than you and that fuckin' Petco cashier, that's for sure.
" [audience laughs.]
No, I have a friend, she gets so mad at me.
'Cause I had a fucked-up childhood, and she's like, "April, you can't blame your parents anymore for your problems, okay? You're an adult, you make your own decisions.
" I'm like, "Yeah, bitch, you can say that 'cause you grew up with homemade pudding and positive reinforcement.
" Yeah! I grew up with a family of alcoholics and front lawn fights.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah! Last Christmas, we had a double butter knife stabbing in the living room.
My crackhead cousin didn't get the Secret Santa gift she had her eye on, and she just fuckin' butter-knifed a man.
[audience laughs.]
I'm fucked-up, yeah! I have an uncle I have an uncle that was arrested for DUI by a cop on a horse.
[audience laughs.]
I grew up I grew up with an aunt that's a paranoid schizophrenic.
Anybody else? No, crazy is fun as shit when you're a little kid, 'cause you both have imaginary friends, right? Yeah! I'd go to her like, "Aunt Carol, I think I saw the boogeyman.
" And she was like, "His name's Carl.
" [audience laughs.]
No, my aunt was crazy, my grandmother had a stroke when I was in second grade and she she lost her speech.
She only retained the words "good," "boy," "son of a bitch," "goddamn it," "cocksucker," "fuck" and "raisins.
" That was it.
That was her whole vocabulary.
Swear to God.
Oh, and she could sing "Happy Birthday," which made birthdays so fuckin' fun, 'cause every once in a while, you get a few "fuck shit raisins" throw in, which is a good time.
Happy birthday Shit fuck raisins! You're like, "Oh, man, Grandma knows how to party!" No, so my aunt was crazy, my grandmother didn't talk, and I also had this uncle, he was in a car accident when he was 18 and he was left kind of folded up in a chair.
Yeah, they would just wheel him out on holidays like he was some sorta ornamental decoration.
Put a fuckin' bow on his head, give him a blanket.
You're like, "What the fuck? Poor Uncle Henry.
" So, as a kid, right, we'd all load up, the whole crazy family, we'd go on vacation.
And we didn't go to, like, Disneyland.
We went to, like, some KOA campground and went blueberry picking.
'Cause nothin' spells vacation for a kid like fuckin' pickin' fruit with the elderly, the mentally ill, and the disabled.
- That's a good fuckin' time.
Yeah.
- [audience laughs.]
And we'd all go to the beach, like, the whole fuckin' crazy family would load up and they would make me push my Uncle Henry down the beach in his wheelchair.
I don't know if you know how fuckin' strong you have to be to push a 190-pound fucking quadriplegic man in sand.
- But that fucker was heavy, right? - [audience laughs.]
And they would just load shit on top of him.
They'd put a case of beer on his lap [audience laughs.]
Yeah, they'd just hang all the lawn chairs off the handle.
Sometimes, my nana, her feet would hurt, right, cos of the 'betes.
She'd just hitch a ride for a few minutes, right? They would turn my Uncle Henry into a disabled dolly, right? And then my crazy aunt would be like, "They're watching us! They're watching us!" And I'm ten, like, "No fuck! Everybody's watchin' us!" [audience laughs and applauds.]
And that's why I talk about dicks to strangers today, everybody.
That's why I talk about dicks.
- [cheering and applause.]
- Yeah.
Thanks.
[chuckles.]
Thanks, guys.
No, I'm not ashamed.
I had sex really early.
By early I mean, after it happened, I went home and watched Fraggle Rock, so [audience groaning.]
No shit! That's a great fuckin' show! Wipe the tears away, bop-bop! Come on! [chuckles.]
You know, I don't get it.
Why do people attach shame? It's like the one common denominator for all of humanity, right? And people are always like, "Ah, sex is dirty.
Sex is dirty.
" I'm like, "No, it's not.
Sex is fun.
Fuck it.
Put a horse head on him, ride around the livin' room.
Do some fun shit!" - Yeah.
- [woman.]
Whoo! Yeah, thank you.
One whore in the back.
Thank you.
[audience laughs.]
No, my my husband thinks I'm really kinky 'cause I like to be tied up and blindfolded.
I was like, "Babe, I'm just lazy.
I'm fuckin' nappin' under there.
" [audience laughs.]
No, do you guys know, Americans have always been really puritanical when it comes to sex? I saw this on the internet I believe everything I see on the internet, as should you.
Raise your hand if you've heard this.
Basically, in the Victorian era, if a woman had any sexual feeling or any sexual urge, they thought she was just crazy, right? Women were not expected to have any sexual desires, and they thought peens were just runnin' the show.
They didn't know about the clit game yet.
You guys know this? They thought And they thought clitoral stimulation cured disease.
So here's what women did.
Women just made up a fuckin' "I need a diddle" disease called "hysteria.
" - Do you guys know this? - [woman.]
Whoo! Yeah, women would go to the doctor complaining of hysteria and the doctors would manually stimulate these women to climax.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How fucking awesome is that? [audience laughs and cheers.]
Yeah.
If they did that today, not one woman is here.
We're all lined up.
We're in line like that shit's is Black Friday, and we need a cheap TV, just Just Just ready to slide that co-pay.
Yeah.
That's how the vibrator was invented.
Did you guys know that? Yeah, 'cause this doctor, he had so many ladies pullin' up in horse and buggies and stagecoaches.
He was like, "I cannot keep this shit up all day.
" He was like, "Seriously, I'm gonna get tendinitis.
What the fuck is that? Just" [audience laughs.]
So he invented the vibrator.
And by the way, first vibrator? Awesome.
It had a hand crank.
You had to crank that shit.
Just Like you're watchin' old silent film or makin' ice cream, just There was another This is my favorite vibrator! It was like a fuckin' power washer.
Like, women would just stand there and they would just get a fire hose to the cooch, right? Swear to God! They called it a pelvic douche.
It looks like something you'd use to clean aluminum siding.
How fuckin' awesome is that? [audience laughs and cheers.]
I feel like most women do most of their masturbating in the shower.
Am I alone? Little removable shower head, little bah-bah-bah-bah-bah Yeah? If you don't have a removable shower head, you can always make do with the bathtub faucet.
Where my faucet ladies at? [audience laughs.]
There's a faucet lady right here! There you are! And some of you look confused.
You ever try the faucet? I like the guys, they're like, "What the fuck's goin' on in the bathtub? [audience laughs.]
I thought she was takin' long baths!" Ladies, if you haven't tried it, you're gonna try this shit when you go home, all right? You guys have homework assignments after the show.
But it's my job to warn you, you might drown.
All right? [audience laughs.]
Yeah, 'cause here's what happens.
Your butt is parked over the drain, your butt acts as a permanent stopper, right? So water water just starts slowly fillin' up.
[audience laughs.]
[audience cheers.]
[chuckles.]
Yeah! You're just in your own bathtub trying to float yourself to stay alive, just [cheering.]
Thanks, guys! Yeah.
Yes! [chuckles.]
Yeah.
Sometimes, the water gets too high.
You don't wanna fuck up the bathroom, so what you gotta do is you just drain, and then you sit there cold and creepy.
Right? Just cold A little creepy And then you start again, 'cause ladies aren't quitters, right? Like, "I wanna get this shit done!" [audience laughs and cheers.]
"It's gonna happen!" "If I have to go to the garage to get out floaties and a snorkel, this shit's gonna happen!" [audience laughs.]
Look.
Men aren't embarrassed.
Look, guys, clap if you masturbate, just the guys.
- [applause.]
- Whoo.
A few dudes not clappin'.
I call bullshit.
First of all, a man that doesn't masturbate is a dude that keeps, like, 17 Asian women playing violin in a well somewhere, right? [audience laughs.]
"I wanna go home!" Aren't you sad? Men are never embarrassed! Like, here's a question, sir.
What's it called when you hook up with a chick I don't know how you do it, but this is what I'm fuckin' bringin'.
Look at me! Don't you look away when I'm fuckin' the air.
You look at me! [audience laughs.]
Like, "You want some? You want some?" You're like, "Fuck, no! I can't even look at it, what the fuck?" Like, "God, that's like lookin' at the sun.
Holy shit.
" You're like, "No, thanks.
I'm gonna be over here watchin' Property Brothers until that shit stops.
" [audience laughs.]
Oh, man.
I love those fuckin' Property Brothers.
They're my perfect idea of a threesome, right? One, you're fuckin' twins.
You don't have to feel bad about yourself.
You're not even fuckin' two dudes, you're fuckin' the same dude twice.
Look at that shit! [audience laughs.]
You're like, "It's not my fault! I'm not slutty, that's just a fuckin' egg that split there.
That's not my fault!" [audience laughs.]
Oh, shit.
Do you ladies like a big wiener or a small wiener? - [woman.]
Big.
- Big? Oh, shit! Okay.
I don't! I like a small I like a small I like a small wiener.
Here's why.
You know why? Big dicks go wanderin'.
Little dicks stay home, play Monopoly with you on a Sunday, right? Yeah! Uh, that's right! That's right.
I want a board game dick.
That's what I want.
[audience laughs.]
I do! I feel like porn is just fucking with men's self-esteem, right? 'Cause all men are convinced that women want these big old hogs.
And I don't Like my husband, he's convinced.
He thinks all women just wanna gobble that fuckin' porn star dick meat.
I think they're creepy.
You ever see a porn star dick on a computer and maybe you're a little far away, you don't have your glasses, your contacts in, and at first you can't even recognize it as a dick? Right? Or my husband, he'll be very serious, like, "Babe, seriously, you wouldn't want that?" I'm like, "Wait, what, that's a dick?" [audience laughs.]
I'm like, "Oh, fuck, babe! I thought that was a Doberman! Holy shit!" [audience laughs.]
"I swear to God, I thought you were watchin' a dog show, babe.
I don't think that's a fuckin' dick, that's a service animal right there.
That should help somebody.
That That dick needs a vest.
" [audience laughs.]
Oof.
You know, to alert people that dick's comin'.
Oh, man.
I just got married, everybody! - [cheering.]
- Yeah.
Oh! [chuckles.]
Thanks! Aw, look at that! You don't have to clap.
He's Iranian, he can't get in the country.
That's fuckin' true, everybody.
That's true.
I've always been into foreigners.
Anybody else into foreigners? - [cheering.]
- Yeah? Awesome! Not the kind you can get here, the kind you can import for three months till their visas expire.
And then you can send 'em home if you don't like 'em.
America has a great return policy on foreigners right now.
Yeah! You don't have to break up with 'em, America does it for you, right? Like, "Hey, it's not me.
It's America.
She said you gotta go.
I'm so sorry.
" Yeah.
No, my husband and I, he lives in Florence, Italy, that's where we met.
And he's lived there since he was 17, and we got married September 2nd.
Our visa was denied September 18th because of the travel ban, right? And I was fuckin' pissed, right? 'Cause it took me a long fuckin' time to find a husband.
I'm crazy as shit, right? Do you know how hard it is to tell dick jokes and fuckin' scoop a man? That shit's fuckin' hard! Right? So So I was pissed.
We were in the U.
S.
consulate in Naples, Italy and I was fuckin' furious, so I turned to my husband, I was like, "Babe.
" I saw a picture of the president on the wall.
I was like, "I'm gonna fuckin' rip that down!" He was like, "Hey! Hey! Cuckoo bear! Cuckoo bear!" He's like, "You can't fuckin' vandalize a consulate! You're white, you'll walk.
I'm brown.
They're gonna fuckin' kill me.
So don't do that shit.
" [audience laughs.]
No, so now, for the travel ban, we had to file this waiver, we have to prove three things.
We have to prove, one, that my husband's not a national threat.
I'm like, "He wears skinny jeans and lives in Florence, Italy.
[audience laughs.]
When the fuck have you ever seen a threatening man in a pair of skinny jeans coming at you, right?" I'm like, "My husband, literally, in the morning, he points his toes to get it into pants.
" Really does just He You know, just Kind of like [audience laughs.]
I'm like, "That's what you're afraid of?" I'm like, "That's not a fuckin' terrorist! That's a ballerina right there! Look at that!" [audience laughs.]
Yeah! And I'm like, "He's He's not a national threat! I am! I'm crazy as fuck!" I got a restraining order for slappin' a man when he was takin' a shit.
Anybody else? [audience laughs.]
No? Just me? All right, thought we were friends.
Fuck you guys! All right.
All I'm sayin' is this.
Ladies, if you ever wanna hit a man, you hit him when he's shitting, and here's why, right? 'Cause a man will not get off a toilet to hit you, right? He won't.
His pants are around his ankles.
Even if he tries, he's not gonna get that far as he chases you.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
So now we have to prove he's not a national threat, we also have to prove he's of national interest.
Does anybody in here feel like you're of national interest? - [silence.]
- Right? Who the fuck's of national interest? I've done some cool shit in my life, I've been to 67 countries, I got to sleep in Saddam Hussein's palace when I went to entertain overseas, right? Cool shit, but I'm not of national interest.
I'm like, "You know who's of national interest? Elon Musk.
" That dude knows how to get fuckin' humans to space.
I'm so dumb, I bought a car 'cause it smelled good.
That's where I'm at, right? I'm dumb, I'm not that bright.
My husband is so much smarter than me.
My husband speaks four languages, completely fluent, English, Italian, Farsi, and Spanish.
I thought Yeah.
I thought I was killin' it 'cause I know all the words to the Humpty Dance, that's where I'm at.
[audience laughs.]
I was like, "But do you know he got busy in a Burger King bathroom?" [audience laughs.]
And he's arrogant! Right? The other day, he says to me, he goes, "Hey, babe, I think I might pick up French this next month or two.
" I was like, "Motherfucker, you pick up an STD or a hooker.
You learn French, you fuckin' asshole!" Right? Yes, he's a much better human than me.
He's a much better trade for America.
Like, I'm such a fuckin' asshole, my favorite thing to do, I love to send my husband videos of Americans that are allowed to live here.
Yeah! I love it! I love it.
Yeah! I found this woman, she was shooting bottle rockets out of her ass at Walmart.
She set her cooch hair on fire in the toy aisle.
And I was like, "Babe, she's fuckin' one of us, you leave her alone, right?" Yeah.
Oh, we also have to prove undue hardship.
I'm like, "What's not a hardship about having a husband that lives in another country?" I'm like, "My husband couldn't be here tonight because of this fuckin' travel ban, so that's" And I want a fuckin' baby.
I'm gettin' old.
I got, like, 17 fuckin' eggs left.
That's all I got.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah, pretty soon, you'll have to take my vag out, hang it on a clothesline and beat it with a broom, like an old rug, just to get an egg out.
[audience laughs.]
No, my husband, he is, he's a much nicer person than me.
This is how you know.
His ex-wife, they were married for ten years, she cheated for the last two years of their marriage, right? And she never worked, which makes me so fuckin' mad.
She, yeah, never worked, he just paid for her to get multiple masters degrees in the French horn.
I was like, "Wait, what?" I was like, "This bitch looks like Edward James Olmos.
She got to sit home, fuckin' toot her French horn, eatin' snacks? I'm over here peddlin' my fuckin' wiener jokes from town to town.
[audience laughs.]
What kind of fucking bullshit is this?" [chuckles.]
So I was furious, right? And this is the kicker, right? She cheated with a dude who plays It's like I think it's called a santur.
It's like a Persian xylophone.
I was like, "You got cheated on with a dude that plays the dinky-donks? That's fucking hilarious!" [audience laughs.]
I'm like, "That's an unfuckable instrument.
" The French horn and the xylophone, there is nothin' less fuckable, unless he played the spoons on his mouth.
Nothin' else.
And here's the kicker, right? Here's the kicker.
So, because she never worked The guy she cheated with lived in Iran.
So, without my husband's knowledge, he was paying for her flights to go fuck this dude.
- [groaning.]
- Yeah, that's what I said! I was like, "What'd you do when you found out?" I was like, "Did you wrap that fuckin' French horn around her neck?" I was like, "Did you set her shit on fire?" And he got scared 'cause he could see the instability in my eyes.
- [audience laughs and cheers.]
- Yeah! He did.
He was like, "Oh, God, no.
Why? Why, April? Why would I do that? He was like, "I knew that would hurt me a lot more than it would hurt her.
" He's like, "I just wanted a peaceful separation.
I knew the relationship was over.
I just wanted to be amicable and go our separate ways.
" And I was like, "Oh.
[audience laughs.]
Okay.
Well, just so you know If you ever cheat on me I'm gonna put a bomb-making pamphlet and a few lug nuts in your backpack.
[audience laughs.]
Yeah! Send you off to the airport! Good Good luck at immigration!" - [audience laughs.]
- Yeah, I told you I wasn't normal! Thank you guys so much, everybody! [audience cheers.]
There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me - Ohhhh! - I'm so proud of you! - Thank you so much! - So proud of you.
You ready! They ready, I think they ready I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - They ready, I think they ready - We gonna do our thing I think they ready They all the way ready - [Page Hurwitz.]
Oy vey.
- [Wanda Sykes.]
Use your knees! Push it!