Toast of London (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
The End
The new TS4 - it's the car that literally goes "Vuh-roo-mmm-uh!" That was great.
Oh, actually, Steven, before you shoot off, there's a little thing that's just come in.
Do you mind? What is it? Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
We'd like to do this charity thing for the radio.
Won't take a second.
The script's in front of you, sir.
Yeah, OK, I've got it.
Are we rolling? Yeah, ready when you are, Steven.
Don't miss your opportunity to experience Bon Ja-Vee live, up close and personal.
OK? You've got to understand, I haven't a clue what that means.
I'm guessing it's the name of some kind of pop group or dance craze? Spot-on, Steven.
Also, the bit underneath, Steven, when you're ready.
Where else could you see Bon Ja-Vee, Madame Ga-Gah .
.
and The Cold Play under one roof? Oh, that's perfect.
See you again soon, yeah? I sincerely hope not.
What the hell happened to Roy Highknock? Oh! I'm afraid I had to take his picture off the wall.
What, because of the Yes, because of the Anyway, pastures new.
Ooh.
Who's Sookie Houseboat? Oh, she's come over from Debbie.
I knew I'd get her in the end.
Things just weren't working out for her there.
I know how she feels.
Sookie Houseboat, I could do with a slice of that.
I haven't had as much as a sniff since you-know-who cleared off.
I could get stuck into that, and no danger! Toast! Please! Sorry, Jane.
Must be the hot weather.
Plays havoc with my blood pressure.
I've no interest in your carnal rumblings.
My brother Blair calls it "the summer swell".
They seem to be wearing a lot less this season.
You know, I had to loosen my belt on the underground train If you carry on I will be sick.
No, I WILL be sick.
So, what's going on? Ooh! Doctor Who.
You can fuck that sky-high.
Huh! Not after last time.
No way.
Well, that's no way to greet a fellow scientist.
Would you like a jelly baby? We grow weary of your adolescent diversions, Doctor! Take him to the laboratory! I'm sure a dissection on that brain could prove very useful to us! Yes! I could have been anyone in that mask.
I felt like a top arsehole.
Right, well, that is it.
I'm not too happy at the moment, Jane.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut here.
Maybe I should broaden my horizons a little.
Well, the thing is, Toast, you don't actually have any horizons.
'Well, that may be what you think, Jane Plough, 'but there's a lot more to Steven Toast than meets the eye.
' It's pronounced "Pluff", as you well know, as in Brian Clough the sportsman.
'That's odd.
She seemed to be able to read my thoughts there.
' Now bugger off, Toast.
Some of us are working.
Now.
Oh, morning, Toast.
You're up early.
Oh, who's that boy? Not one of yours, hm? You don't have children.
Apparently, it's Brooklyn Beckham.
Brooklyn Beckham? What, Becks and Posh Spice's eldest? Yes.
I downloaded the image accidentally about a month ago and I can't get it off the screen.
Oh, I can probably help you with that.
Let's see.
Ugh.
Get rid of that.
Ed! That should get Followed by Garlic.
And there we are.
Oh, what's that file? Another Wife For Henry by Paloma Toast.
It's my new novel, Ed.
Using a nom de plume, eh? I've been working on it for some weeks.
I'm just pissed off with all those voice-overs and appearing in that shit play.
I'm even thinking about getting a new agent.
Do you know Brooke Hooberman? Yes, I've heard of her.
David Bowie told me he was thinking of signing up with her when he was doing The Elephant Man on Broadway, but he just went back into the pop scene.
Well, she's a hard-nosed American female bastard, and that's exactly what I need, and she's in town and she's agreed to meet me.
So, this novel.
Sexy, is it? I'd say! It's a cross between Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall and Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Oh, I've read Fifty Shades.
I must say it's damn near my favourite book of all time.
It's superb.
And like that book, my heroine is a strong-willed feminist who won't be dominated by anyone.
So, what's the story about? Well, I can read you some if you like.
Oh, yes, please.
"Henry The Eight placed his toothbrush beside Stephanie's, "his a dashing royal blue, hers a luminous pink.
"How harmonious they looked together "in the silver goblet he had given her for Valentine's Day 1541.
" 'Oh, if only we could live together, ' he thought, "remembering the time they made love in the shed "where the bows and arrows were stored for the archery tournaments sss!" So, how does it end? Well, I was thinking that it may not need an end.
Oh.
I don't think I've ever read a book without an end.
I'm experimenting with a new literary form.
So, what are you going to do with it? Send it out to potential publishers? Already done.
And the fact that it doesn't have an end, I think, will work in my favour.
I am very excited about this.
Any replies from the publishers? None.
But I'm hoping Hooberman will give it a good push.
Good for you, Toast! Things are picking up at last.
I think they are, Ed, and I'm going to tell her that I see myself .
.
very much at the peak of my career! I can honestly say I've never acted better in my life! There's always openings in Hollywood for British actors, butlers and chauffeurs and that kind of shit.
That's what I like to hear.
Sorry about having to meet you in a car.
My office isn't quite ready yet.
I'm also about to embark on a complementary career as a novelist.
I understand you have strong contacts in the literary world.
I do actually know a publisher called Yvonne Wryly.
Had a bit of a nervous breakdown due to overwork.
But she's back.
If she likes a book, she really gets behind it.
Does this mean you're taking me on as a client? Do you have representation at the moment? I'm with someone who's basically as old as the pyramids and as dynamic as a weather forecast.
Sorry.
It's an old friend of mine.
Jane Plough.
Do you know her? And if I'm honest, it was bloody embarrassing, but she said she wouldn't tell Jane.
Who is Jane again? Jane is my agent.
So, you're some kind of actor? I'm not a kind of actor.
I am an actor.
Sorry, my name's Toast, Steven Toast.
Hello, Toast.
I'm Kate.
Kate Khan.
Kate? Mm.
Kate's in my top 20 of favourite female names.
Number 18, actually.
I love a sing-along.
Don't you? Yes.
Why don't you have a go? No, I don't normally sing.
Though there is one song I am told I perform particularly well.
Sing it! Go on! Get me a drink and then sing the song.
What will you have? Vodka and Coke.
Ian, could you get the lady a vodka and Coke, please? You so I'd like to dedicate this next song to a beautiful lady in the audience called Kate.
This is an old song about London.
This town is coming like a ghost town! Bands don't play no more! Too much fightin' on the dance floor! This town is coming like a ghost town! Bands don't play no more! Too much fightin' on the dance floor! Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! Aah, aah-huh! Hop it, old-timer.
Steven, this is my aunt, Deepa.
Ah, nice to meet you.
Hope you don't mind if she sits there.
No.
I enjoyed that.
It was unusual.
Well, it's another string to my bow.
What's the deal with your aunt? Oh, she likes these nights out.
Unfortunately, she's deaf and blind.
Also has a slight limp.
My mother usually cares for her, but one month every year I, er, come to London and give Mum a bit of a break.
So, she's deaf, blind and with a bit of a limp.
Something of a fiasco, one might say.
Would you like to go to a club? A club? Yeah, there's a club I go to around here.
Do you like dancing? Of course.
Come on.
Let's have some fun.
Oh.
Ooh.
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's good.
Oh, like that.
Come on.
You don't mind me wearing my sports vest? No.
Ooh.
What's wrong? Are you sure she can't see or hear anything? No, I told you she's deaf and blind.
It's a little odd, isn't it? Why? She doesn't know what's going on.
Does she have to be in the bedroom? Yes! I can keep an eye on her here and, honestly, she's completely oblivious to this.
Yes? Yes.
Ah.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on.
Oh, you like that, don't you? Ah! Yeah.
Lucky you! Lucky me! Yeah! Ooh! Oh, give it to me! Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Come in! Steven Toast.
Wow.
What? What a book! Oh, thank you.
It's seriously one of the best things I have ever read.
I think it's actually much sexier than Fifty Shades and just much better than any of Mantel's books.
I mean, I love Hilary.
She's one of my best friends.
But can she write strong female characters? I don't think so.
But you've created this incredible, strong-willed, believable, independent woman.
She's amazing! You're not concerned she's a columnist with a left-wing newspaper? Not in the slightest.
OK, they probably didn't have newspapers like the Guardian in the 16th century, and they didn't have columnists like Stephanie.
That's her name, isn't it? Yes.
Stephanie de Swasson.
But who cares? We just kind of go with it cos the character is so brilliant.
She doesn't take any shit from Henry The Eight.
Totally in control of that situation and obviously the dominant sexual partner.
Yeah, well, that was very important for me when I was writing it.
Well, we're so excited about this here.
We've just put this together.
Where the hell did you find that photograph of me? Oh, it's a collage portrait put together by the art department.
First, I should say, it's not right.
We can do much better.
But the size is correct.
No.
But this this is the most important part.
Major ads in all the trade papers.
Heavy TV and cinema advertising.
We are really gonna sell this book because we believe in it so much.
I can see this being, quite seriously, the biggest book of all time.
And I hate hyperbole, I hate all that bullshit, and I see it all the time, but this book really is that good.
Oh, I'm glad you like it as much as I do.
Publicity are planning a massive celebratory lunch.
There's a possibility we can get Obama along to it.
Oh, top-notch! Can I ask you, Steven, do you have a wife or partner? Well, I'm having sex with an Indian lady, which is great, but it is complicated by the presence of a third party.
Because we can organise getting an A-list Hollywood actress along to accompany you on the day.
Yes, I'd like that very much.
I'll contact Brooke about the sums involved here.
Obviously, we're talking millions.
But I don't want to even discuss that with you now, because the book isn't quite finished.
Erm It needs an end.
Well, I was thinking I could get away without having an end.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
Who told you that? Ben Elton? Who? Having an end is very important.
We need to know what happens to Stephanie.
But don't worry.
You could tie up the whole thing in a few paragraphs, maybe even a sentence or two.
But it does need an end.
All right.
I'll try and think of one.
And thank you, Steven, for writing the greatest book of all time.
Yes-sss! "Henry The Eight felt hot that day, "and not just because the sun was beaming down "on the ramparts of Hampton Court Palace.
"Stephanie began to undress slowly before her monarch.
"Henry responded by loosening some of his heavy armour.
" Oh, I like that, Toast.
That's got me going.
Come on.
Oh, yes.
Ooh.
Oh, yes! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! This is great sex! Absolutely superb stuff! Oh, you're certainly delivering the goods today, Toast! That's cos I'm in a good mood! Your aunt seems to be filming us making love.
Oh, come on, Toast.
She's just playing with her phone.
I told you she can't hear or see anything.
Well, if she's deaf and blind, why does she need an camera phone? Oh, get real, Toast.
Every phone has a camera these days.
Oh.
Oh, that was lovely.
Excuse me for a moment.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Oh! I wonder if you really can't see or hear.
Hey! You there! Yeah.
Omm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm-muh! Ooh! Bet you've not seen anything like this for a while, have you, eh? Er What you doing to Aunt Deepa? Ah, still working on the novel, Toast? It must be nearly finished if you don't need an end.
Well, looks like it may need an end after all.
Publisher lady thinks it's crucial.
What happens to Stephanie de Swasson? It's a tough nut to crack.
I'm sure it's easy enough to think of an end.
You could kill everyone.
I need to get out of here.
Clear my head.
Good thinking, Toast.
I'm sure you'll definitely, definitely be able to think of something.
Definitely! How the shit am I gonna end this book? How about, " 'This'll cure the toothache, ' uttered Stephanie de Swasson, "as the executioner raised an impressive axe.
The end.
"? That might work.
"As the sun went down over Hampton Court Palace, "Henry watched the starship containing Stephanie de Swasson "zoom vertically up into outer space.
" Could be popular with the young set.
" 'What a perfect day, ' Stephanie thought to herself, "as she pulled up her wedding dress, undid her flies "and urinated into the urinal.
The end.
" These are awful.
Writer's block? Writer's cock, more like.
You're on form today, Deepa.
Deepa? Deepa? Deepa? Do you want another pint? No, I'm cool.
Oi! Oh, fuck You'd better go, Dave.
I bloody knew it! All this not hearing and seeing stuff, total bullshit.
Am I right? Look, I was deaf and blind, but last year I went to the holy temple in India and received a miracle cure.
I didn't tell anyone cos I didn't want to lose my benefits.
So, you're a benefits cheat.
You know, it's because of people like you that the membership of the UK Independence Party has gone up 12-fold! Don't tell everyone! Oh, I will, I will.
In fact Officer! Stop that woman! She's a benefits cheat! Well, go on! This is a routine fire drill.
Would everybody in the library please leave the building! Oh This is a routine fire drill.
This is a routine fire drill.
Ah.
I've got it, Ed.
What? An end.
I've got the end to my novel.
I see.
Oh, well done.
It's truly inspired.
I'm very pleased with it.
Come on, then.
Do tell.
What happens to the fair and feisty Stephanie de Swasson? Spontaneous combustion.
Spontaneous combustion? Yes.
Stephanie de Swasson spontaneously combusts? You must be fucking joking! It's a ridiculous cop-out.
Is the end of Moby-Dick, the whale spontaneously combusting? Did JK Rowling have Harry Potter Who? .
.
bursting into flames to tie up her series of seven hugely successful novels? People can spontaneously combust.
It's on the internet.
No, they can't! Yes, they can.
Though rare, there have been exactly 200 documented cases.
It's totally unbelievable! To think I offered you the sun, moon and stars, and this is the best ending you can think of! I had a nervous breakdown, and I come back to work after six months and have to deal with this shit! And I tell you something else, you little prick, if I ever Well, that's not gonna help my book.
She was just saying how completely unbelievable it would be for someone to spontaneously combust, and then, "Bang!" I mean, it was the definition of irony.
Irony writ very large.
Yes, I guess we'll never know what causes spontaneous combustion.
It's one of the great mysteries.
Like the moon landings.
Excuse me.
Toast.
'Frinkbuster says he'll meet you!' Well, that is promising.
'He'll meet you in an hotel.
' All the best.
Who was that, Toast? Brooke Hooberman.
Apparently, a Hollywood film producer called Dinky Frinkbuster wants to meet.
Hollywood producer, eh? Oh, that's impressive.
Must be staying somewhere like Claridge's or the Dorchester.
I expect so.
Make yourself comfortable, Toast.
You want a banana? No, I'm good.
So, what's this movie about, Frinkbuster? Well, it's about a couple of lesbian lovers, right? And they get kind of bored of lesbian sex, so one goes out with this big black bodybuilder.
The other one stays at home lying in the sun until a hunky British guy comes by to clean out the pool.
OK.
So, I I need to get the overall picture.
What would you say the theme of the film is? What do you mean, theme? So I'm playing the British pool cleaner.
Yeah.
So, what's my relationship with the girl? What Well, you just fuck her.
Well, that sounds like it could be a porn film.
Look, I've seen your work.
What? I hope we're not at cross-purposes here.
'Ooh! This is great sex! 'Absolutely superb stuff!' 'You're certainly delivering the goods today!' 'That's cos I'm in a good mood!' Haven't you seen that? That's outrageous! Got half a million hits.
That Indian lady with the sunglasses is not a professional film-maker.
She's a benefits fraudster.
Well, suit yourself.
Hold your horses.
Don't turn it off.
'Yes! Oh, come on, Toast!' 'Yes!' How many hits? Half a mill.
Is that good? You're a superstar.
'Lucky you!' 'Lucky me!' You are lucky! 'Come on, give it to me! Oh!' She sure is.
Toast you fucking snake! Going behind my back with all that secret squirrel stuff.
Sit up straight when I'm talking to you! I asked her not to tell you.
Brooke and I are very old friends.
Course she's going to tell me if one of my clients is trying to jump ship, you fucking idiot.
Well, nothing materialised.
Shh.
You do have some ridiculous ideas, don't you? Hollywood films, novel writing.
I'm this close to taking your picture off my wall.
Oh, come on, Jane.
I shall think about this tonight and let you know my decision in the morning.
You'll be needed in the studio at ten o'clock.
Bzzz.
Bzzz.
Bzzz.
Bzzz.
Look, I'm gonna need some direction.
Which bee am I meant to be?
Oh, actually, Steven, before you shoot off, there's a little thing that's just come in.
Do you mind? What is it? Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
We'd like to do this charity thing for the radio.
Won't take a second.
The script's in front of you, sir.
Yeah, OK, I've got it.
Are we rolling? Yeah, ready when you are, Steven.
Don't miss your opportunity to experience Bon Ja-Vee live, up close and personal.
OK? You've got to understand, I haven't a clue what that means.
I'm guessing it's the name of some kind of pop group or dance craze? Spot-on, Steven.
Also, the bit underneath, Steven, when you're ready.
Where else could you see Bon Ja-Vee, Madame Ga-Gah .
.
and The Cold Play under one roof? Oh, that's perfect.
See you again soon, yeah? I sincerely hope not.
What the hell happened to Roy Highknock? Oh! I'm afraid I had to take his picture off the wall.
What, because of the Yes, because of the Anyway, pastures new.
Ooh.
Who's Sookie Houseboat? Oh, she's come over from Debbie.
I knew I'd get her in the end.
Things just weren't working out for her there.
I know how she feels.
Sookie Houseboat, I could do with a slice of that.
I haven't had as much as a sniff since you-know-who cleared off.
I could get stuck into that, and no danger! Toast! Please! Sorry, Jane.
Must be the hot weather.
Plays havoc with my blood pressure.
I've no interest in your carnal rumblings.
My brother Blair calls it "the summer swell".
They seem to be wearing a lot less this season.
You know, I had to loosen my belt on the underground train If you carry on I will be sick.
No, I WILL be sick.
So, what's going on? Ooh! Doctor Who.
You can fuck that sky-high.
Huh! Not after last time.
No way.
Well, that's no way to greet a fellow scientist.
Would you like a jelly baby? We grow weary of your adolescent diversions, Doctor! Take him to the laboratory! I'm sure a dissection on that brain could prove very useful to us! Yes! I could have been anyone in that mask.
I felt like a top arsehole.
Right, well, that is it.
I'm not too happy at the moment, Jane.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut here.
Maybe I should broaden my horizons a little.
Well, the thing is, Toast, you don't actually have any horizons.
'Well, that may be what you think, Jane Plough, 'but there's a lot more to Steven Toast than meets the eye.
' It's pronounced "Pluff", as you well know, as in Brian Clough the sportsman.
'That's odd.
She seemed to be able to read my thoughts there.
' Now bugger off, Toast.
Some of us are working.
Now.
Oh, morning, Toast.
You're up early.
Oh, who's that boy? Not one of yours, hm? You don't have children.
Apparently, it's Brooklyn Beckham.
Brooklyn Beckham? What, Becks and Posh Spice's eldest? Yes.
I downloaded the image accidentally about a month ago and I can't get it off the screen.
Oh, I can probably help you with that.
Let's see.
Ugh.
Get rid of that.
Ed! That should get Followed by Garlic.
And there we are.
Oh, what's that file? Another Wife For Henry by Paloma Toast.
It's my new novel, Ed.
Using a nom de plume, eh? I've been working on it for some weeks.
I'm just pissed off with all those voice-overs and appearing in that shit play.
I'm even thinking about getting a new agent.
Do you know Brooke Hooberman? Yes, I've heard of her.
David Bowie told me he was thinking of signing up with her when he was doing The Elephant Man on Broadway, but he just went back into the pop scene.
Well, she's a hard-nosed American female bastard, and that's exactly what I need, and she's in town and she's agreed to meet me.
So, this novel.
Sexy, is it? I'd say! It's a cross between Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall and Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Oh, I've read Fifty Shades.
I must say it's damn near my favourite book of all time.
It's superb.
And like that book, my heroine is a strong-willed feminist who won't be dominated by anyone.
So, what's the story about? Well, I can read you some if you like.
Oh, yes, please.
"Henry The Eight placed his toothbrush beside Stephanie's, "his a dashing royal blue, hers a luminous pink.
"How harmonious they looked together "in the silver goblet he had given her for Valentine's Day 1541.
" 'Oh, if only we could live together, ' he thought, "remembering the time they made love in the shed "where the bows and arrows were stored for the archery tournaments sss!" So, how does it end? Well, I was thinking that it may not need an end.
Oh.
I don't think I've ever read a book without an end.
I'm experimenting with a new literary form.
So, what are you going to do with it? Send it out to potential publishers? Already done.
And the fact that it doesn't have an end, I think, will work in my favour.
I am very excited about this.
Any replies from the publishers? None.
But I'm hoping Hooberman will give it a good push.
Good for you, Toast! Things are picking up at last.
I think they are, Ed, and I'm going to tell her that I see myself .
.
very much at the peak of my career! I can honestly say I've never acted better in my life! There's always openings in Hollywood for British actors, butlers and chauffeurs and that kind of shit.
That's what I like to hear.
Sorry about having to meet you in a car.
My office isn't quite ready yet.
I'm also about to embark on a complementary career as a novelist.
I understand you have strong contacts in the literary world.
I do actually know a publisher called Yvonne Wryly.
Had a bit of a nervous breakdown due to overwork.
But she's back.
If she likes a book, she really gets behind it.
Does this mean you're taking me on as a client? Do you have representation at the moment? I'm with someone who's basically as old as the pyramids and as dynamic as a weather forecast.
Sorry.
It's an old friend of mine.
Jane Plough.
Do you know her? And if I'm honest, it was bloody embarrassing, but she said she wouldn't tell Jane.
Who is Jane again? Jane is my agent.
So, you're some kind of actor? I'm not a kind of actor.
I am an actor.
Sorry, my name's Toast, Steven Toast.
Hello, Toast.
I'm Kate.
Kate Khan.
Kate? Mm.
Kate's in my top 20 of favourite female names.
Number 18, actually.
I love a sing-along.
Don't you? Yes.
Why don't you have a go? No, I don't normally sing.
Though there is one song I am told I perform particularly well.
Sing it! Go on! Get me a drink and then sing the song.
What will you have? Vodka and Coke.
Ian, could you get the lady a vodka and Coke, please? You so I'd like to dedicate this next song to a beautiful lady in the audience called Kate.
This is an old song about London.
This town is coming like a ghost town! Bands don't play no more! Too much fightin' on the dance floor! This town is coming like a ghost town! Bands don't play no more! Too much fightin' on the dance floor! Ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! Aah, aah-huh! Hop it, old-timer.
Steven, this is my aunt, Deepa.
Ah, nice to meet you.
Hope you don't mind if she sits there.
No.
I enjoyed that.
It was unusual.
Well, it's another string to my bow.
What's the deal with your aunt? Oh, she likes these nights out.
Unfortunately, she's deaf and blind.
Also has a slight limp.
My mother usually cares for her, but one month every year I, er, come to London and give Mum a bit of a break.
So, she's deaf, blind and with a bit of a limp.
Something of a fiasco, one might say.
Would you like to go to a club? A club? Yeah, there's a club I go to around here.
Do you like dancing? Of course.
Come on.
Let's have some fun.
Oh.
Ooh.
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's good.
Oh, like that.
Come on.
You don't mind me wearing my sports vest? No.
Ooh.
What's wrong? Are you sure she can't see or hear anything? No, I told you she's deaf and blind.
It's a little odd, isn't it? Why? She doesn't know what's going on.
Does she have to be in the bedroom? Yes! I can keep an eye on her here and, honestly, she's completely oblivious to this.
Yes? Yes.
Ah.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on.
Oh, you like that, don't you? Ah! Yeah.
Lucky you! Lucky me! Yeah! Ooh! Oh, give it to me! Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Come in! Steven Toast.
Wow.
What? What a book! Oh, thank you.
It's seriously one of the best things I have ever read.
I think it's actually much sexier than Fifty Shades and just much better than any of Mantel's books.
I mean, I love Hilary.
She's one of my best friends.
But can she write strong female characters? I don't think so.
But you've created this incredible, strong-willed, believable, independent woman.
She's amazing! You're not concerned she's a columnist with a left-wing newspaper? Not in the slightest.
OK, they probably didn't have newspapers like the Guardian in the 16th century, and they didn't have columnists like Stephanie.
That's her name, isn't it? Yes.
Stephanie de Swasson.
But who cares? We just kind of go with it cos the character is so brilliant.
She doesn't take any shit from Henry The Eight.
Totally in control of that situation and obviously the dominant sexual partner.
Yeah, well, that was very important for me when I was writing it.
Well, we're so excited about this here.
We've just put this together.
Where the hell did you find that photograph of me? Oh, it's a collage portrait put together by the art department.
First, I should say, it's not right.
We can do much better.
But the size is correct.
No.
But this this is the most important part.
Major ads in all the trade papers.
Heavy TV and cinema advertising.
We are really gonna sell this book because we believe in it so much.
I can see this being, quite seriously, the biggest book of all time.
And I hate hyperbole, I hate all that bullshit, and I see it all the time, but this book really is that good.
Oh, I'm glad you like it as much as I do.
Publicity are planning a massive celebratory lunch.
There's a possibility we can get Obama along to it.
Oh, top-notch! Can I ask you, Steven, do you have a wife or partner? Well, I'm having sex with an Indian lady, which is great, but it is complicated by the presence of a third party.
Because we can organise getting an A-list Hollywood actress along to accompany you on the day.
Yes, I'd like that very much.
I'll contact Brooke about the sums involved here.
Obviously, we're talking millions.
But I don't want to even discuss that with you now, because the book isn't quite finished.
Erm It needs an end.
Well, I was thinking I could get away without having an end.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
Who told you that? Ben Elton? Who? Having an end is very important.
We need to know what happens to Stephanie.
But don't worry.
You could tie up the whole thing in a few paragraphs, maybe even a sentence or two.
But it does need an end.
All right.
I'll try and think of one.
And thank you, Steven, for writing the greatest book of all time.
Yes-sss! "Henry The Eight felt hot that day, "and not just because the sun was beaming down "on the ramparts of Hampton Court Palace.
"Stephanie began to undress slowly before her monarch.
"Henry responded by loosening some of his heavy armour.
" Oh, I like that, Toast.
That's got me going.
Come on.
Oh, yes.
Ooh.
Oh, yes! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! This is great sex! Absolutely superb stuff! Oh, you're certainly delivering the goods today, Toast! That's cos I'm in a good mood! Your aunt seems to be filming us making love.
Oh, come on, Toast.
She's just playing with her phone.
I told you she can't hear or see anything.
Well, if she's deaf and blind, why does she need an camera phone? Oh, get real, Toast.
Every phone has a camera these days.
Oh.
Oh, that was lovely.
Excuse me for a moment.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Oh! I wonder if you really can't see or hear.
Hey! You there! Yeah.
Omm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm-muh! Ooh! Bet you've not seen anything like this for a while, have you, eh? Er What you doing to Aunt Deepa? Ah, still working on the novel, Toast? It must be nearly finished if you don't need an end.
Well, looks like it may need an end after all.
Publisher lady thinks it's crucial.
What happens to Stephanie de Swasson? It's a tough nut to crack.
I'm sure it's easy enough to think of an end.
You could kill everyone.
I need to get out of here.
Clear my head.
Good thinking, Toast.
I'm sure you'll definitely, definitely be able to think of something.
Definitely! How the shit am I gonna end this book? How about, " 'This'll cure the toothache, ' uttered Stephanie de Swasson, "as the executioner raised an impressive axe.
The end.
"? That might work.
"As the sun went down over Hampton Court Palace, "Henry watched the starship containing Stephanie de Swasson "zoom vertically up into outer space.
" Could be popular with the young set.
" 'What a perfect day, ' Stephanie thought to herself, "as she pulled up her wedding dress, undid her flies "and urinated into the urinal.
The end.
" These are awful.
Writer's block? Writer's cock, more like.
You're on form today, Deepa.
Deepa? Deepa? Deepa? Do you want another pint? No, I'm cool.
Oi! Oh, fuck You'd better go, Dave.
I bloody knew it! All this not hearing and seeing stuff, total bullshit.
Am I right? Look, I was deaf and blind, but last year I went to the holy temple in India and received a miracle cure.
I didn't tell anyone cos I didn't want to lose my benefits.
So, you're a benefits cheat.
You know, it's because of people like you that the membership of the UK Independence Party has gone up 12-fold! Don't tell everyone! Oh, I will, I will.
In fact Officer! Stop that woman! She's a benefits cheat! Well, go on! This is a routine fire drill.
Would everybody in the library please leave the building! Oh This is a routine fire drill.
This is a routine fire drill.
Ah.
I've got it, Ed.
What? An end.
I've got the end to my novel.
I see.
Oh, well done.
It's truly inspired.
I'm very pleased with it.
Come on, then.
Do tell.
What happens to the fair and feisty Stephanie de Swasson? Spontaneous combustion.
Spontaneous combustion? Yes.
Stephanie de Swasson spontaneously combusts? You must be fucking joking! It's a ridiculous cop-out.
Is the end of Moby-Dick, the whale spontaneously combusting? Did JK Rowling have Harry Potter Who? .
.
bursting into flames to tie up her series of seven hugely successful novels? People can spontaneously combust.
It's on the internet.
No, they can't! Yes, they can.
Though rare, there have been exactly 200 documented cases.
It's totally unbelievable! To think I offered you the sun, moon and stars, and this is the best ending you can think of! I had a nervous breakdown, and I come back to work after six months and have to deal with this shit! And I tell you something else, you little prick, if I ever Well, that's not gonna help my book.
She was just saying how completely unbelievable it would be for someone to spontaneously combust, and then, "Bang!" I mean, it was the definition of irony.
Irony writ very large.
Yes, I guess we'll never know what causes spontaneous combustion.
It's one of the great mysteries.
Like the moon landings.
Excuse me.
Toast.
'Frinkbuster says he'll meet you!' Well, that is promising.
'He'll meet you in an hotel.
' All the best.
Who was that, Toast? Brooke Hooberman.
Apparently, a Hollywood film producer called Dinky Frinkbuster wants to meet.
Hollywood producer, eh? Oh, that's impressive.
Must be staying somewhere like Claridge's or the Dorchester.
I expect so.
Make yourself comfortable, Toast.
You want a banana? No, I'm good.
So, what's this movie about, Frinkbuster? Well, it's about a couple of lesbian lovers, right? And they get kind of bored of lesbian sex, so one goes out with this big black bodybuilder.
The other one stays at home lying in the sun until a hunky British guy comes by to clean out the pool.
OK.
So, I I need to get the overall picture.
What would you say the theme of the film is? What do you mean, theme? So I'm playing the British pool cleaner.
Yeah.
So, what's my relationship with the girl? What Well, you just fuck her.
Well, that sounds like it could be a porn film.
Look, I've seen your work.
What? I hope we're not at cross-purposes here.
'Ooh! This is great sex! 'Absolutely superb stuff!' 'You're certainly delivering the goods today!' 'That's cos I'm in a good mood!' Haven't you seen that? That's outrageous! Got half a million hits.
That Indian lady with the sunglasses is not a professional film-maker.
She's a benefits fraudster.
Well, suit yourself.
Hold your horses.
Don't turn it off.
'Yes! Oh, come on, Toast!' 'Yes!' How many hits? Half a mill.
Is that good? You're a superstar.
'Lucky you!' 'Lucky me!' You are lucky! 'Come on, give it to me! Oh!' She sure is.
Toast you fucking snake! Going behind my back with all that secret squirrel stuff.
Sit up straight when I'm talking to you! I asked her not to tell you.
Brooke and I are very old friends.
Course she's going to tell me if one of my clients is trying to jump ship, you fucking idiot.
Well, nothing materialised.
Shh.
You do have some ridiculous ideas, don't you? Hollywood films, novel writing.
I'm this close to taking your picture off my wall.
Oh, come on, Jane.
I shall think about this tonight and let you know my decision in the morning.
You'll be needed in the studio at ten o'clock.
Bzzz.
Bzzz.
Bzzz.
Bzzz.
Look, I'm gonna need some direction.
Which bee am I meant to be?