Toast of Tinseltown (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

It just says "Scream."
Yeah, Steven, that's all we need.
So, just scream.
Shouldn't take too long.
Steven, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fan
Why the fuck is Clem Fandango
in a trash can?
It's a free soaking bath.
Didn't have time to go wild
river swimming this morning.
Of course he didn't. Oh, how
stupid of me. I'm terribly sorry.
No problem, Steven.
And any particular reason why
you're dressed as Jack the Ripper?
I'm on the penny-farthing today.
Oh, right.
Just a great way to see LA.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I bet that's really handy up
the hills and across the canyons.
No, Steven, a penny-farthing's not
practical for that kind of terrain,
it's more for Silver Lake,
parts of Highland Park.
I couldn't give a shit.
What have I got to do?
Just scream, Steven.
Ready when you are.
Sounded pretty good to me. Alrighty,
so, I'll see you soon, fellas.
Have a good day.
Sorry, sorry, Steven, that That
really didn't sound like a scream.
You what? I said it didn't
sound much like a scream.
I'll just talk to Clem about it.
OK, so we've just discussed it,
and, with regret,
have to say we both don't feel
that sounded like a scream.
Yeah, we just discussed it,
at length, and,
well, neither of us thought
it sounded like a scream.
Yeah, well, I did think
it sounded like a scream.
You thought that sounded like
a scream? Yeah, I bloody did!
What the fuck.
OK, so, we've just discussed it,
and maybe we could write it down
phonetically. Might help.
Just take a sec.
Phonetically!
That's not a scream,
that's just uuuuh.
Well, why not try it?
Well, if I tried that, it
would just sound like uuuuh.
Give it a go.
OK, Steven, we're ready.
Uuuuh.
I think that might have been worse
than the first one, Steven.
Yes, because I can't scream!
Sorry, Steven?
I can't scream.
You satisfied? I cannot scream.
I've never been able to scream.
Even as a small child,
I could never scream.
Hey, hey, Steven,
it's all cool, man.
No, I'm sorry. Look, you're going
to have to get somebody else.
I apologise for wasting your time.
Good morning to the both of you.
Sorry, Brooke, I couldn't help
noticing we're in a stagecoach.
Yeah, I needed a little more space
this week, I got Orson Welles
dropping in, but I'll be back in
my regular office real soon.
Now, talking of stagecoaches, how
would like to appear in a western?
A western?
Bit old-fashioned, wouldn't you say?
This is one of those modern westerns
with drugs and aliens.
Aliens? Good God!
Well, if it doesn't clash with
Star Wars, then count me in.
You'll be shooting in Death Valley.
Death Valley?
I've heard that's particularly hot.
And what red-blooded man wouldn't
want to be dressing up as a cowboy!
Next week, you'll be having the time
of your goddamned life! Bang, bang.
Hello?
Uh, sorry, Steven,
but there aren't enough unit drivers
to take you to our desert location
so we're going to have to
pull your trailer, if that's OK?
Sorry, what was that?
Good God!
Stop!
What the fuck!
Heaven help me.
Stop the bus!
Christ!
Uh-ah!
Bloody place.
Yee-haw! How long you been out
in the desert, cowboy guy?
Look at his eyes, Gypsy.
That must have been
one hell of a trip.
The fastest way into your mind is
through your eyes.
That's what Barney told me.
Good afternoon.
You haven't seen a film set
anywhere near here, have you?
Is that accent from the past?
No.
Are you Canadian?
No, I'm not.
Wait! I know this guy!
You were the dude sitting
in the creepy photo car.
No, no, no, I'm on my way to
a film set but my trailer ended up
in the middle of the desert,
would you believe.
Far out, man.
Jesus Christ!
You scared the shit out of me!
Where did you come from?
Oh, my God, it's you.
Howdy, partner.
Yeah, howdy. Erm
My name's Steven Toast, and, uh
..I need your help.
You need my help?
You sure?
We're all here to help each other,
brother.
Fantastic. Look, I need to get
back to Los Angeles.
Is there a town near here
where I can get a taxi?
Hey, Barney, why don't we take him
back to the ranch?
OK, now. What if I was to
give you a ride back to LA?
Would you do something for me,
cowboy?
That would depend on
the nature of the request.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
My!
Say, Snorky, twirl for me.
Twirl!
Blimey.
Get up.
Why don't you girls go with
blondie, fetch my guitar,
and make yourselves look pretty.
Daddy's got talk business
with his new Canadian buddy.
Canadian?
Sit down, cowboy.
Is that a scorpion?
About that favour you said you were
going to do for me
Yep. I remember.
You know he's out there somewhere.
Out in the desert.
Who? Whom is out there?
Rusty Halloween, that's who.
I sent him off a year ago to find me
the meanest deadliest
sidewinder rattlesnake
in the whole damn desert.
"But, Uncle Barney, why would you
want to bring a nasty-ass
"rattlesnake back here?"
you might be thinking.
I wasn't thinking that.
I got plans for that snake.
A guy in Sacramento
twisted my melons, man,
and Barney can't let that roll.
You dig?
So, I got to send him
a messsssssssssssssssssss
..sssssssssssssss
..ssssssssssssssssssssage.
You dig what I'm saying, cowboy?
Yes. I'm sorry about that hissing.
I have a speech impediment
which means I can't say the word
"message" properly.
Yes, you can,
you said it right there.
Did I?
Yes.
Anyway I need you to find me
Rusty Halloween.
That's all very interesting
but I've got a part in
the new Star Wars movie.
Yeah, sure.
So I don't really have time to go
searching the desert for snakes.
Mm-hm? GYPSY! Ugh!
You're going to head
in that direction.
After about four hours, you'll hit
a town called Gaping Hole.
Ask for a drifter named Rusty
Halloween.
Gypsy!
Bring out the water.
Do you not have a bigger container?
That's all we got, cowboy.
And don't get any ideas about
cutting loose.
Or coming back without a snake.
You dig?
I dig.
Now, I just need you to sign this.
Snorky!
What the hell is that?
Oh, this thing? It just says that
if you don't do what I ask,
then you agree to be
hunted down and killed.
And what if I refuse to sign it?
Between you and me, she's crazy.
Likes that shit more than I do.
Yeah, so I can see.
All right, I'll sign.
Just here.
Oh, and another thing. Snorky!
When you find Halloween,
give him this goldfish.
Do what?
This is Halloween's goldfish.
He loves this goldfish.
I'm sure he's missing it like hell.
You seriously want me
to travel across the desert
with this goldfish?
Bye-bye, cowboy guy.
Jim?
Hey, Steven.
God, a familiar face.
What are you doing here?
If you want to use the phone,
it's not working.
Don't you have a mobile?
Hm?
Listen, to cut a long story short,
I'm looking for someone
called Rusty Halloween
who lives out here in the desert.
Do you know him?
Jim?
Jim?
A glass of water, please,
barman.
And a whiskey,
if you'd be so kind.
I needed that. Tell me, I'm looking
for a man called Rusty Halloween.
Do you know him?
Rusty Halloween?
Snake guy? That's the chap.
Well, I recall
he owned a private zoo
and then one day,
he let all his animals roam free
here in the desert.
I ain't seen him in a while.
You know, it was his damn tiger
that bit of Sheriff Baker's arm.
Sounds like our man.
Listen, do you have a toilet here?
A toilet?
Yes.
Oh, um, a latrine.
A shit box.
A bathroom.
Well, sure.
It's right upstairs.
My grandfather's hands
went a-wandering
Wandering from north to south. ♪
Ooh.
I'm terribly sorry,
this must be the wrong room.
No, no, no, come on in.
My name's Wildcat Lil.
I got Wildcat in my name
but I got a heart of gold.
Howdy, stranger.
Whatcha doing here in Gaping Hole?
I'm looking for a chap
called Rusty Halloween.
Geez, that's one hell of an accent,
are you from Toronto?
No, I'm not from Toronto.
You say you're looking for
Rusty Halloween? The snake guy?
Yes, I am.
He hung around here for
a while last winter.
We're a tightly-knit community.
It's just me, bartender,
never really says much,
Sheriff, Doc Brown,
and Bill, the old-timer.
The sheriff lost an arm in a fight
with a wild tiger, which was
one of the animals released from
Halloween's private zoo.
Yeah, I've just heard
that from the old-timer downstairs.
That tiger is still out there
in the desert somewhere.
Do you think the sheriff might know
Rusty Halloween's exact whereabouts?
He might,
but he ain't around right now.
He's at an international
human rights standards for law
enforcement conference in Sweden.
Should be back in a few days.
Mm.
Maybe I'll hang around.
Well, that will be just fine.
Good Lord.
I once heard a preacher in Tucson
say that a goldfish
is as smart as any human being
and if he had heads and arms and
legs, well, there would be nothing
to stop it becoming president
of this here United States.
Well, I don't doubt
that for a second.
You're looking for Halloween,
ain't you?
Yeah. Mm.
I know where he is.
You do? Mm-hm.
I saw him about two weeks ago.
About 20 mile from here.
He lives in an old abandoned
tin mine out by Silver Creek.
An old abandoned tin mine, you say?
Yeah.
And how do I find it?
Well,
the best way
is Google Maps.
In 50 yards, turn right.
Then, turn left.
Oh, shit!
Back in the bag!
You're on private property, cowboy.
Is that a goldfish in your bag?
Yes, it is.
You better come inside.
Ho-ho! My, oh, my!
I can't actually believe it's you,
little fella.
I'd heard you and the goldfish
were close.
Shit, is that your real accent?
Vancouver, right? Sit down.
Listen, I don't suppose you have
any food, do you? I'm starving.
Food?
Supplies ran out weeks ago.
All I got left is, uh
..a little box of
anti-snakebite pills.
Hey. I've got something to show you.
What's that?
Dolphin World.
In Miami.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, baby!
Whoo!
Welcome home, little buddy.
Welcome home.
Now, ain't that something.
It certainly is.
Look, I'm starving, are you sure
you don't have anything to eat?
Hope you don't mind
having the head, mister,
because I just can't
look him in the eyes.
Not a problem.
It's most generous of you.
Must be a bit weird -
finally reuniting with your
beloved goldfish,
playing with it in the miniature
version of Dolphin World in Miami,
and then eating it?
Lots of crazy things happen
out here in the desert.
I heard you had a private zoo.
That's right.
It started out small.
A few mice and a hen.
And things got out of hand.
Tigers, elephants, emus,
llamas, apes.
Had to let them all go.
There's still a tiger out
there somewhere.
When did you run into Barney?
I'm guessing that's
the purpose of your visit.
Guilty as charged.
I heard he sent you out here
to get him a giant rattlesnake.
That's right,
but I haven't seen any.
Like you, I can't go back
until I find one.
That Barney is mad as
a pack of baboons.
And that Gypsy, who he rolls with,
she scares
the living shit out of me.
She's worse. Mm.
Finally told me if I didn't
complete his task, he'd kill me.
Mentioned something about some chap
in Sacramento twisting his melons.
That's all very, very puzzling.
Ah! That's Barney all right.
That was surprisingly filling.
May I use your facilities?
My what? Your lavatory.
Your water closet. Your bathroom
..as you Americans say,
inaccurately.
This is just a one-room cabin in the
middle of the Death Valley desert,
there ain't no water lavatories,
you're going to have to go outside.
I'm presuming you don't have
any toilet paper?
A toilet what?
Let's hope there aren't
any complications.
Least that sandstorm's died down.
I wouldn't fancy getting
any of that up my Khyber.
Khyber.
Jesus H Christ.
Uh.
I say, Rusty Halloween!
I think I've found your
Snake? Yes.
I can't believe it.
It's a giant sidewinder rattler.
I've been searching for you
for months.
Open the crate.
Now, stay perfectly still and listen
very carefully to everything I say.
If a rattler feels threatened
..the best way to avoid attack
is to move very, very slowly
..assess the situation
..and listen carefully for any
Oh, f
Fucking brilliant.
Don't know how I managed that but
nice job, even if I say so myself.
Now, all I need to do is
nail the fucker shut.
I'm alive.
I wasn't killed by the tiger.
Thank God.
Oh, shit!
Hey, I was talking to Sheriff Baker,
and he was telling me all about
his lecture at the international
human rights standards for law
enforcement conference in Sweden.
Yeah? So, what did he say?
Well, primarily,
there are four domains of practice -
assessment, primarily pre-employment
referrals
I need help.
Toast!
Looks like your arm's been
chewed damn right off!
Guess we better
clean him up them, Doc?
Hot damn!
You're lucky, Toast,
you've got the kind of arm
that can be easily reattached.
You need to keep it on ice
till you get to a hospital.
I'll just give you some more
painkillers.
It doesn't hurt that much,
not since I took some of Rusty
Halloween's anti-snakebite pills.
Those pills kept you
going for a while,
but there will be a delayed shock.
Believe me, by tomorrow,
you'll be praying to the devil
himself to ease your pain.
Ah, shit.
All right, well,
thank you very much, Doc Brown.
You better get some rest.
I, uh, got a bottle of Wild Turkey
waiting for me at Ma Reilly's place.
I'll see you all tomorrow.
Night, Bill.
I've got to go and perform
a vasectomy early tomorrow.
So, I better go.
Night, Doc. Good luck with that.
I must thank you, Wildcat Lil,
you've been very kind to me.
It's been nice having you around.
I must say, it gets kind of lonely
looking at the same old faces
all the time and
..you've got a nice face.
Hm.
Ooh!
Well, this is very good.
Very good indeed.
And that'll do it.
Coffee?
Don't mind if I do.
Presuming you don't have any tea?
No tea here, honey.
Ain't got no cups neither so I have
to pull it straight into your face.
All right, just a little.
Last night's sex was superb.
You certainly live up to your name,
Wildcat Lil.
I've never had sex with
a one-armed man before.
Apart from Sheriff Baker.
Where is my arm?
It's in the mini fridge.
Right, well, I better get back
to crazy Barney
and deliver his snake pronto.
How do I get out of here,
my darling?
You can borrow my mule and cart.
oh, darn it! Doc Brown or Bill
must have taken my mule!
Can you pull the cart yourself?
I'm sure I can manage that.
I'll make sure you get
your mini fridge back.
Lucky it's solar powered.
Don't forget your pill.
You heard what the doc said.
As soon as the painkillers wear off,
the pain will be tremendous.
Hopefully,
you'll be back in LA by then.
Let's hope so.
You've been very kind to me.
I'll never forget you, Wildcat Lil.
Goodbye!
Bye.
Shit.
Hey, look who it is.
What happened to your arm, cowboy?
It was bitten off by a tiger.
Your snake's in the wooden box.
Hold on, buddy.
This snake is dead.
It looks all right to me.
Don't dance with me, man.
This snake is as dry
as a goddamn bone.
Why didn't you feed him?
I don't know. I guess that means
we've got to kill you.
Ain't that right, Gypsy?
Sure is.
He signed a contract.
Yeah, at gunpoint.
And I don't remember any stipulation
about the snake having to be alive.
Is that right, cowboy?
Yes.
Turn around now!
Step over here.
What the hell is that?
It's a box with dead rattlesnake
in it.
What's in the mini fridge?
My arm. It got bitten off
by a tiger.
Is that so? Yeah-yeah.
You ever hear an accent
like that before, Mickey?
Toronto, am I right?
Ha-ha-ha!
Looks like we've got the hippie
that ambushed that movie crew.
No, no, no, I'm one of the actors.
I'm actually over here to
appear in the new Star Wars movie.
Oh, yeah, sure.
You don't want me,
you want these two.
Shit. They were there a second ago.
Sure they were. All right.
Now, get your goddamn hands
in the air
and don't you move,
you Canadian cowboy bastard.