Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e05 Episode Script
Kimmy Kisses a Boy!
1 Hey, Red.
You're making me wish I was those jeans.
Well, I wish I was your yellow hat.
Heh.
What? It's my favorite color.
Did I say something wrong? Okay, I'm sorry about the jeans thing.
You made your point.
But And my point is wh? That I say these things to women even though I got a mother that I love and three beautiful sisters.
Okay? Are you happy? Happy but nervous.
My friend from Indiana is coming.
Why do I talk to women like that? What are we doing here, guys? I mean, big picture.
Does the world really need another bank? Ripped By mstoll That's gonna be, uh, you know, uh, a fascinating transition.
Smooth Jazzercise coming at you.
Now, let's do some sitting.
Good morning, Black.
What? A construction worker called me "Red.
" I thought we could have nicknames.
Oh Look at you getting hit on by a construction worker.
Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner for my morning scrod.
Crushing it.
Aah! Titus, Cyndee is going to be here in four hours.
What did you promise me? That I will not ask her any questions about the bunker.
I know you think I'm a little clueless about how the world works, but wait till you meet Cyndee.
Down in the bunker, I was her big sister.
I always had to look out for her.
Gretchen, Cyndee has been waiting a long time to play with that tennis racket.
And the imaginary ball.
Thank you, Gretchen.
I didn't give it to them.
Heh-heh-heh.
There were side tubes? Sometimes I feel guilty, like I abandoned Cyndee.
That's how I feel about my wife.
Interesting, Kimmy.
Go on.
You're the only person who knows our deal so help me take care of her while she's here.
Okay? Of course, Kimmy Schmidt.
And in case I overhear any juicy bunker tidbits, I'll get all my crazy reactions out of my system now.
Ooh! No, she did not.
Sweet baby Jesus.
Guess who.
I don't like that! Hi, Charles.
Hey.
Heh.
Did you get my text? I did.
And I texted you back.
Oh.
It's a photo of a man's penis.
I read that people text them to each other.
It's called a Yeah.
Yeah.
I know what they're called.
Hola morning, Vera.
You want cereal? Most important meal of the day.
Let's hear it for breakfast! Hey, I just sent you a text.
Ooh.
It's a duck pic.
Wow.
I always knew you were funny, but this is another level.
Hey, what are you up to later today? My friend Cyndee is coming into town.
I'm gonna show her New York.
Oh.
That's too bad because I was gonna kind of psych myself up to kiss you later.
Or you could do that now maybe.
Interesting.
Now, huh? Go on.
Well, we'd have to stop talking.
Give it to me.
Seriously, I don't need help.
Let go, mister.
You leave her alone! Scram, you stupid honky! Kimmy, stop.
Cyndee, this is New York.
You don't just give your bags to people.
He's not people.
He's my boyfriend.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I just assumed It's okay, Kimmy.
I'm Brandon.
So good to meet you.
Oh.
And I've got more luggage to get.
This one does not pack light.
I don't know why I brought so much pancake mix.
Is that your car? Mm-hm.
And is that Brandon Yeagley? You remember him? Do I remember your middle school crush? I only had to pretend to be him like, a bazillion times.
Well, here we are, Cyndee.
Makeout Point.
It's so romantic, Brandon.
Stop.
If we really love each other, then we can wait.
Oh, come on, Cyndee.
I drove all the way out here.
I have to pay for my own gas, you know.
Forget it.
Let's just go home.
Ha-ha-ha.
Now I've got the real thing.
I get to kiss him and smell his chest.
Oh! Wow.
So you're doing great, huh? Oh, my gosh, super great.
I'm managing the pet store in town and Brandon and I are moving into a new house.
It's got an aboveground pool and an inground trampoline.
Cool.
Wait a minute.
Did you get a tattoo? Yeah.
I saw it on a Chinese menu and I just fell in love with it.
It means "bean curd.
" Brandon got a matching one for our anniversary, but there was a mix-up, so his is in English.
Oh, wow, matching tattoos.
Yeah, it's real popular now, like taking pictures of your food or being biracial.
Gosh, Cyndee, I am so proud of you.
You're really living your life.
Well, it seems like you're doing pretty great too.
Yeah.
This guy at work, we kissed today.
In the pantry.
This is boring! So you kissed somebody.
Everybody kisses things.
White people kiss their dogs.
You lived in a bunker.
Where did you go to the bathroom? Did anybody try to eat anybody? Was there a moment where you were like, "The real prison is in my mind"? I am as God made me.
Where have you been, mister? Well, I wanted to let you two catch up so I went and got you flowers from the Flower District.
And from the Meatpacking District, meat.
Thank you.
I love them.
Hi, I'm Brandon.
Titus Andromedon.
Star on the rise.
Kimberly, a word.
You asked me to keep an eye on Cyndee, correct? Yeah, but now you don't need to.
I underestimated her.
She's got a job and a house and a guy who brings her the meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.
Yeah.
That boy's gay.
What? Gay as a penguin.
Educate yourself, read a nature video.
He's not gay.
Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet.
There have been rumors in Ohio.
I know small-town gay, Kimmy.
Brandon has a tan line where he wears a leather cuff.
From Indiana, but weighs less than 200 pounds.
And there's a stain on his jeans from re-varnishing an Edwardian escritoire.
What? It's gay for "desk.
" Aw! You're being ridiculous, Titus.
Titus, when are us guys gonna talk about cars? Huh.
Titus, Brandon is into cars.
Kimberly, a word.
That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy, two things gay men love.
I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cors.
Did I say that right? Curs.
Cuors.
Stop it.
Why would a gay man even wanna be with Cyndee, Titus? What would he get out of that? Very well.
I'm sure you're right.
There's no way Brandon's gay.
Which means you wouldn't care if I tried to seduce him.
What? I'm just saying.
Obviously, I'll fail.
Because Cyndee's boyfriend is super straight, right? Right.
Do whatever you want.
The wheels are already in motion.
So, Brandon, tell me about yourself.
What do you like to do? I'm just a regular guy.
I like NASCAR and fishing, you know, quoting Borat, setting up universal remotes and of course, Vegas, baby.
Heh.
Come on, let's go someplace else.
Let's go to the fanciest place in Manhattan.
Did you know some places call shrimp "prawns"? I do now.
We could get a reservation anywhere.
Just call up and say we're Mole Women.
What? No.
I don't tell anyone about that.
Really? Kimmy, that's crazy.
When people find out you're a Mole Woman, they feel bad and give you free stuff.
Is that what you do in Durnsville? Get stuff because people feel sorry for you? Sure.
I didn't finish middle school.
I'm not qualified to run a pet store.
I just said I liked dogs, so they Oh, no, I forgot to get someone to cover for me while I'm here.
So the clothes, the house, the kurz The car, that is not an easy word.
It really is pretty great.
The Durnsville Elks Club is paying for this whole trip, plus spending money.
I wanna get a big-city spray tan.
Heh.
So you both get stuff out of this.
Ooh, it's the Durnsville Board of Education.
This year, I get to pick the chapter that gets taken out of the science textbook.
I think I'm going to have the chef salad.
Who do you like to have sex with? I like hairless guys with a little bit of You are an escritoire.
I'm a desk? I mean, I don't know what that means.
Oh, what do you want, dear? I was Rear Window-ing and it was just starting to get good.
The old man on the third floor is stuck in the tub.
He's starting to panic.
Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.
A seduction.
I remember those days.
A cocktail at the bar, a conversation held only with the eyes and then the two of you retire to the bathroom.
I called you to keep Kimmy and her girlfriend out of the apartment.
Oh, sure.
I need five minutes with that country boy.
Or however long Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" is.
Titus, cherish this time.
Someday you'll wake up and you'll say, "Who's that old woman in the mirror?" And then she'll punch you and you'll say: "That's not a mirror, that's an open window.
" What are we talking about again? Eh You're lying to my friend.
I'm telling her.
Kimmy.
Kimmy.
Please.
I'm not using Cyndee to get stuff for myself.
I'm part of the stuff.
What? She wanted me.
Ever since middle school.
What choice did I have after what she's been through? I do whatever she wants.
I got a tattoo that says "bean curd.
" You're doing all this to make her happy? I dumped Richard Hinkle for her.
He's the one I wanted to give flowers and meat to.
No, this is not okay, Brandon.
You're lying to her.
Really? You never lied to Cyndee in the bunker? We're never gonna get out of this stupid bunker.
I'll never own a sports car or a pool, and Brandon Yeagley got apocalypsed.
Well, that's not true.
The reverend told me.
God spared Brandon.
And he's in an all-men's bunker, so you know he's being faithful.
Really? Okay.
Cyndee needs someone to take care of her.
You left, so everyone back home is stepping up.
Please don't ruin it for her.
Welcome to New York, I wanna say, Brandon? Titus, it's Brandon.
The gals are outside talking to your landlord.
So then, in 1984 No, wait, let me back up.
Modern-day Israel.
What's going on? I think you know.
Well, I was wrong.
Brandon is not gay.
No, he is.
He told me.
That's impossible.
I tried to seduce him.
In my over-shorts.
Am I not a pretty young thing anymore? Am I a bear now? Or a daddy? Or a Huxtable? Titus, my best friend's dream boyfriend is gay.
What do I do? You asking me for advice because I seem like a wise old black man? Oh, God, my reflection.
I'm old.
I've been in that bath for hours.
You all watched me struggle.
Shame! You're not gay, right? Straight guys can be vegetarians.
Hitler was a vegetarian.
Ooh.
I have to go.
I promised Cyndee I'd take her out for a real New York pizza bagel.
Well, I'm working tonight, if there's any chance you could come by.
I'll be here.
With my kissing hole.
Okay.
They did it again.
They undercharged my breakfast by 15 percent.
They're giving me the senior citizen discount.
Why think someone ordering broiled scrod and a black coffee is a senior citizen? Heh.
Dude, I think it's great the strides you gays have made.
You cut it out.
I know this straight act is just a What's that Stanley Donen movie with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn? Uh, Charade? Aha! Oh, tell me I'm a pretty boy.
I can't do that.
What are you two doing? Sports.
How old do you think I am? Titus, age doesn't matter.
You can die at any time.
Hey, you.
What's going on? Not much.
Where are you right now? Home.
Just sucking on a chill pill.
Cool.
Are you free? Sure.
What's up? Uh, I want us to get to the next level.
I've only got one life so it's now or never.
What do you mean "next level"? Like relationship-wise? Let's go for it.
I found these butterscotches in my pocket.
They just appeared.
It's a sign.
Come on.
I'm totally exposed here.
Don't let me down, dude.
Okay, dude.
I'm in.
Awesome, yes.
I love you.
Me too.
Cyndee, we're friends no matter what, right? Of course.
Okay.
Well, maybe I'm spoiled because things are going so well with Charles, but I think you can do better than Brandon.
Are you kidding? Brandon's perfect.
He takes care of me, like you used to.
Okay.
I just want you to be happy, so Cyndee Sandy Pokorny, will you? Yes! Aah! Of course I will.
Aah! What the H-E-double No.
You know what? What the hell, Brandon? Kimmy.
Don't use that kind of language in front of a unicorn.
Oh, my gosh, Cyndee, unicorns aren't Offended by strong language.
Their magic protects them.
I think we all just want Cyndee to be happy, no matter what.
No, this is too far.
Brandon is gay, Cyndee.
He likes men.
Pfft.
Gay? Would a gay guy have just asked Cyndee to be My wife? Why are you trying to ruin this? I'm not.
I'm trying to protect you.
As always.
Dang it, Kimmy.
I know what I'm doing.
Jeez.
You think I don't notice Brandon's tooth-whitening strips or talking about ancient Greece and how things were different then? There was a culture of mentors and students Wait, you know? Then why are you? Because he's what I've wanted for 15 years.
But this isn't love.
He just feels sorry for you.
Your whole life in Durnsville is just people feeling sorry for you.
But who cares? I'm happy.
Don't I deserve to be happy? I'm a Mole Woman.
No.
That is not going to work with me.
I'm a Mole Woman too, but I'm trying to move past it.
Are you? Because I'm doing what I said I was gonna do back in the bunker.
You were gonna see the world and get an education and a great job.
But you're a 29-year-old babysitter who lives in a basement.
Well, at least I have a boyfriend who isn't fake, Cyndee.
He's my fake fiancé, Kimmy.
And we're gonna live a beautiful fake life together.
Play! Well, hello.
Look, dude, I don't think I actually said the words when you called, but I love you too.
So let's get matching tattoos.
It's a thing now and maybe I'm overthinking it, but Garfield? Kimmy, what are you talking about? Hmm I don't know.
Maybe when you called me and said you loved me? Uh, no, I I didn't call you.
Oh.
I guess I butt-dialed you.
Hey, you.
What's going on? Did you get ammo from those corpses? Not much.
Where are you now? Sucking on a chill pill.
Where the missile launcher was.
Cool.
Are you free? Yeah, I killed the prison guard.
Sure.
We can eat him later.
I want us to get to the next level.
Awesome.
I've only got one life, so it's now or never.
What do you mean "next level"? Like relationship-wise? Okay, cool.
Draw their fire, I'll steal the antidote from the lab.
Let's go for it.
I found these butterscotches in my pocket.
They just appeared.
It's a sign.
Come on, I'm exposed here.
Don't let me down, dude.
Okay, I'm gonna blow the door.
The monkeys look mad.
Okay, dude.
I'm in.
Okay.
I'm in.
I got it.
Meet me by the hover car.
Awesome.
Yes! I love you.
Me too, dude.
Me too.
Oh, my gosh.
I thought it was weird when you said, "Troll the respawn, Jeremy," but I figured that was just a new way of saying goodbye.
I've been saying it all day.
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
Ha-ha-ha.
First time on bath salts, dear? So you thought that I said "I love you" after we kissed, like, twice and you wanna get matching tattoos.
You don't know anything about me.
You're from Tampa, have two sisters, Liz and Sarah, and your childhood dog was named Jellybean.
None of that is correct.
Kimmy, I thought that this was just fun Me too.
I was trying to have fun and then I made everything weird.
Because I'm weird.
And now you're looking at me like I'm Jesus' crazy stepbrother, Terry.
That's not in the Bible, is it? No.
It'd probably be for the best Yep.
Got it.
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
Black, gay and old? Oh I'm not even gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.
Excuse me, pal.
Sorry to bother you, but, well, the last couple of days, I've been asking myself tough questions about how I treat women.
Interest level exceeded.
Wait, wait, wait.
Um, the thing is, I I I think that I envy women because they can be with men.
And I've never said this out loud before, but I think that's what I want too.
So you wanna go out for a drink sometime? Are you asking me out, you tasty little Bob the Builder? Yeah.
I am.
You can't handle this yet.
Still got it.
Call me in 10 years.
This is actually supposed to take that long, so Cyndee.
My fiancé and I have decided to return to Durnsville, the city that never sleeps.
Is that siren still going off? Cyndee, I'm sorry.
Go on.
You were right.
I'm not doing any of the things I said I would.
It turns out I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't have anything.
It's like in the Bible, when Terry borrowed his brother's moped.
Listen to me, don't listen to me.
You get to live your life the way you want.
That's the whole point of not being in a bunker.
No one gets to tell you what to do.
And I think part of me is jealous of you because you really do have everything you want.
You just took a shortcut to get there and I can't do it that way.
You're gonna take the road less traveled.
I guess so, Cyndee.
Even though that's exactly how you got kidnapped.
True.
But if I'm gonna do all the things I said I would, I need to get going.
And I know where I'm gonna start.
I'm here to enroll in eighth grade.
Sorry, someone your age can't enroll in middle school.
But Billy Madison did.
Yes, but Billy Madison's family was very wealthy.
They owned Madison Hotels, a Fortune 500 company.
But there is a GED class that meets here.
This is perfect.
And they have a lacrosse team.
No, those are all flyswatters.
Look out, world, here comes Kimmy.
End of Breakfast Club.
I know what it is.
Ripped By mstoll
You're making me wish I was those jeans.
Well, I wish I was your yellow hat.
Heh.
What? It's my favorite color.
Did I say something wrong? Okay, I'm sorry about the jeans thing.
You made your point.
But And my point is wh? That I say these things to women even though I got a mother that I love and three beautiful sisters.
Okay? Are you happy? Happy but nervous.
My friend from Indiana is coming.
Why do I talk to women like that? What are we doing here, guys? I mean, big picture.
Does the world really need another bank? Ripped By mstoll That's gonna be, uh, you know, uh, a fascinating transition.
Smooth Jazzercise coming at you.
Now, let's do some sitting.
Good morning, Black.
What? A construction worker called me "Red.
" I thought we could have nicknames.
Oh Look at you getting hit on by a construction worker.
Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner for my morning scrod.
Crushing it.
Aah! Titus, Cyndee is going to be here in four hours.
What did you promise me? That I will not ask her any questions about the bunker.
I know you think I'm a little clueless about how the world works, but wait till you meet Cyndee.
Down in the bunker, I was her big sister.
I always had to look out for her.
Gretchen, Cyndee has been waiting a long time to play with that tennis racket.
And the imaginary ball.
Thank you, Gretchen.
I didn't give it to them.
Heh-heh-heh.
There were side tubes? Sometimes I feel guilty, like I abandoned Cyndee.
That's how I feel about my wife.
Interesting, Kimmy.
Go on.
You're the only person who knows our deal so help me take care of her while she's here.
Okay? Of course, Kimmy Schmidt.
And in case I overhear any juicy bunker tidbits, I'll get all my crazy reactions out of my system now.
Ooh! No, she did not.
Sweet baby Jesus.
Guess who.
I don't like that! Hi, Charles.
Hey.
Heh.
Did you get my text? I did.
And I texted you back.
Oh.
It's a photo of a man's penis.
I read that people text them to each other.
It's called a Yeah.
Yeah.
I know what they're called.
Hola morning, Vera.
You want cereal? Most important meal of the day.
Let's hear it for breakfast! Hey, I just sent you a text.
Ooh.
It's a duck pic.
Wow.
I always knew you were funny, but this is another level.
Hey, what are you up to later today? My friend Cyndee is coming into town.
I'm gonna show her New York.
Oh.
That's too bad because I was gonna kind of psych myself up to kiss you later.
Or you could do that now maybe.
Interesting.
Now, huh? Go on.
Well, we'd have to stop talking.
Give it to me.
Seriously, I don't need help.
Let go, mister.
You leave her alone! Scram, you stupid honky! Kimmy, stop.
Cyndee, this is New York.
You don't just give your bags to people.
He's not people.
He's my boyfriend.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I just assumed It's okay, Kimmy.
I'm Brandon.
So good to meet you.
Oh.
And I've got more luggage to get.
This one does not pack light.
I don't know why I brought so much pancake mix.
Is that your car? Mm-hm.
And is that Brandon Yeagley? You remember him? Do I remember your middle school crush? I only had to pretend to be him like, a bazillion times.
Well, here we are, Cyndee.
Makeout Point.
It's so romantic, Brandon.
Stop.
If we really love each other, then we can wait.
Oh, come on, Cyndee.
I drove all the way out here.
I have to pay for my own gas, you know.
Forget it.
Let's just go home.
Ha-ha-ha.
Now I've got the real thing.
I get to kiss him and smell his chest.
Oh! Wow.
So you're doing great, huh? Oh, my gosh, super great.
I'm managing the pet store in town and Brandon and I are moving into a new house.
It's got an aboveground pool and an inground trampoline.
Cool.
Wait a minute.
Did you get a tattoo? Yeah.
I saw it on a Chinese menu and I just fell in love with it.
It means "bean curd.
" Brandon got a matching one for our anniversary, but there was a mix-up, so his is in English.
Oh, wow, matching tattoos.
Yeah, it's real popular now, like taking pictures of your food or being biracial.
Gosh, Cyndee, I am so proud of you.
You're really living your life.
Well, it seems like you're doing pretty great too.
Yeah.
This guy at work, we kissed today.
In the pantry.
This is boring! So you kissed somebody.
Everybody kisses things.
White people kiss their dogs.
You lived in a bunker.
Where did you go to the bathroom? Did anybody try to eat anybody? Was there a moment where you were like, "The real prison is in my mind"? I am as God made me.
Where have you been, mister? Well, I wanted to let you two catch up so I went and got you flowers from the Flower District.
And from the Meatpacking District, meat.
Thank you.
I love them.
Hi, I'm Brandon.
Titus Andromedon.
Star on the rise.
Kimberly, a word.
You asked me to keep an eye on Cyndee, correct? Yeah, but now you don't need to.
I underestimated her.
She's got a job and a house and a guy who brings her the meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.
Yeah.
That boy's gay.
What? Gay as a penguin.
Educate yourself, read a nature video.
He's not gay.
Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet.
There have been rumors in Ohio.
I know small-town gay, Kimmy.
Brandon has a tan line where he wears a leather cuff.
From Indiana, but weighs less than 200 pounds.
And there's a stain on his jeans from re-varnishing an Edwardian escritoire.
What? It's gay for "desk.
" Aw! You're being ridiculous, Titus.
Titus, when are us guys gonna talk about cars? Huh.
Titus, Brandon is into cars.
Kimberly, a word.
That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy, two things gay men love.
I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cors.
Did I say that right? Curs.
Cuors.
Stop it.
Why would a gay man even wanna be with Cyndee, Titus? What would he get out of that? Very well.
I'm sure you're right.
There's no way Brandon's gay.
Which means you wouldn't care if I tried to seduce him.
What? I'm just saying.
Obviously, I'll fail.
Because Cyndee's boyfriend is super straight, right? Right.
Do whatever you want.
The wheels are already in motion.
So, Brandon, tell me about yourself.
What do you like to do? I'm just a regular guy.
I like NASCAR and fishing, you know, quoting Borat, setting up universal remotes and of course, Vegas, baby.
Heh.
Come on, let's go someplace else.
Let's go to the fanciest place in Manhattan.
Did you know some places call shrimp "prawns"? I do now.
We could get a reservation anywhere.
Just call up and say we're Mole Women.
What? No.
I don't tell anyone about that.
Really? Kimmy, that's crazy.
When people find out you're a Mole Woman, they feel bad and give you free stuff.
Is that what you do in Durnsville? Get stuff because people feel sorry for you? Sure.
I didn't finish middle school.
I'm not qualified to run a pet store.
I just said I liked dogs, so they Oh, no, I forgot to get someone to cover for me while I'm here.
So the clothes, the house, the kurz The car, that is not an easy word.
It really is pretty great.
The Durnsville Elks Club is paying for this whole trip, plus spending money.
I wanna get a big-city spray tan.
Heh.
So you both get stuff out of this.
Ooh, it's the Durnsville Board of Education.
This year, I get to pick the chapter that gets taken out of the science textbook.
I think I'm going to have the chef salad.
Who do you like to have sex with? I like hairless guys with a little bit of You are an escritoire.
I'm a desk? I mean, I don't know what that means.
Oh, what do you want, dear? I was Rear Window-ing and it was just starting to get good.
The old man on the third floor is stuck in the tub.
He's starting to panic.
Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.
A seduction.
I remember those days.
A cocktail at the bar, a conversation held only with the eyes and then the two of you retire to the bathroom.
I called you to keep Kimmy and her girlfriend out of the apartment.
Oh, sure.
I need five minutes with that country boy.
Or however long Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" is.
Titus, cherish this time.
Someday you'll wake up and you'll say, "Who's that old woman in the mirror?" And then she'll punch you and you'll say: "That's not a mirror, that's an open window.
" What are we talking about again? Eh You're lying to my friend.
I'm telling her.
Kimmy.
Kimmy.
Please.
I'm not using Cyndee to get stuff for myself.
I'm part of the stuff.
What? She wanted me.
Ever since middle school.
What choice did I have after what she's been through? I do whatever she wants.
I got a tattoo that says "bean curd.
" You're doing all this to make her happy? I dumped Richard Hinkle for her.
He's the one I wanted to give flowers and meat to.
No, this is not okay, Brandon.
You're lying to her.
Really? You never lied to Cyndee in the bunker? We're never gonna get out of this stupid bunker.
I'll never own a sports car or a pool, and Brandon Yeagley got apocalypsed.
Well, that's not true.
The reverend told me.
God spared Brandon.
And he's in an all-men's bunker, so you know he's being faithful.
Really? Okay.
Cyndee needs someone to take care of her.
You left, so everyone back home is stepping up.
Please don't ruin it for her.
Welcome to New York, I wanna say, Brandon? Titus, it's Brandon.
The gals are outside talking to your landlord.
So then, in 1984 No, wait, let me back up.
Modern-day Israel.
What's going on? I think you know.
Well, I was wrong.
Brandon is not gay.
No, he is.
He told me.
That's impossible.
I tried to seduce him.
In my over-shorts.
Am I not a pretty young thing anymore? Am I a bear now? Or a daddy? Or a Huxtable? Titus, my best friend's dream boyfriend is gay.
What do I do? You asking me for advice because I seem like a wise old black man? Oh, God, my reflection.
I'm old.
I've been in that bath for hours.
You all watched me struggle.
Shame! You're not gay, right? Straight guys can be vegetarians.
Hitler was a vegetarian.
Ooh.
I have to go.
I promised Cyndee I'd take her out for a real New York pizza bagel.
Well, I'm working tonight, if there's any chance you could come by.
I'll be here.
With my kissing hole.
Okay.
They did it again.
They undercharged my breakfast by 15 percent.
They're giving me the senior citizen discount.
Why think someone ordering broiled scrod and a black coffee is a senior citizen? Heh.
Dude, I think it's great the strides you gays have made.
You cut it out.
I know this straight act is just a What's that Stanley Donen movie with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn? Uh, Charade? Aha! Oh, tell me I'm a pretty boy.
I can't do that.
What are you two doing? Sports.
How old do you think I am? Titus, age doesn't matter.
You can die at any time.
Hey, you.
What's going on? Not much.
Where are you right now? Home.
Just sucking on a chill pill.
Cool.
Are you free? Sure.
What's up? Uh, I want us to get to the next level.
I've only got one life so it's now or never.
What do you mean "next level"? Like relationship-wise? Let's go for it.
I found these butterscotches in my pocket.
They just appeared.
It's a sign.
Come on.
I'm totally exposed here.
Don't let me down, dude.
Okay, dude.
I'm in.
Awesome, yes.
I love you.
Me too.
Cyndee, we're friends no matter what, right? Of course.
Okay.
Well, maybe I'm spoiled because things are going so well with Charles, but I think you can do better than Brandon.
Are you kidding? Brandon's perfect.
He takes care of me, like you used to.
Okay.
I just want you to be happy, so Cyndee Sandy Pokorny, will you? Yes! Aah! Of course I will.
Aah! What the H-E-double No.
You know what? What the hell, Brandon? Kimmy.
Don't use that kind of language in front of a unicorn.
Oh, my gosh, Cyndee, unicorns aren't Offended by strong language.
Their magic protects them.
I think we all just want Cyndee to be happy, no matter what.
No, this is too far.
Brandon is gay, Cyndee.
He likes men.
Pfft.
Gay? Would a gay guy have just asked Cyndee to be My wife? Why are you trying to ruin this? I'm not.
I'm trying to protect you.
As always.
Dang it, Kimmy.
I know what I'm doing.
Jeez.
You think I don't notice Brandon's tooth-whitening strips or talking about ancient Greece and how things were different then? There was a culture of mentors and students Wait, you know? Then why are you? Because he's what I've wanted for 15 years.
But this isn't love.
He just feels sorry for you.
Your whole life in Durnsville is just people feeling sorry for you.
But who cares? I'm happy.
Don't I deserve to be happy? I'm a Mole Woman.
No.
That is not going to work with me.
I'm a Mole Woman too, but I'm trying to move past it.
Are you? Because I'm doing what I said I was gonna do back in the bunker.
You were gonna see the world and get an education and a great job.
But you're a 29-year-old babysitter who lives in a basement.
Well, at least I have a boyfriend who isn't fake, Cyndee.
He's my fake fiancé, Kimmy.
And we're gonna live a beautiful fake life together.
Play! Well, hello.
Look, dude, I don't think I actually said the words when you called, but I love you too.
So let's get matching tattoos.
It's a thing now and maybe I'm overthinking it, but Garfield? Kimmy, what are you talking about? Hmm I don't know.
Maybe when you called me and said you loved me? Uh, no, I I didn't call you.
Oh.
I guess I butt-dialed you.
Hey, you.
What's going on? Did you get ammo from those corpses? Not much.
Where are you now? Sucking on a chill pill.
Where the missile launcher was.
Cool.
Are you free? Yeah, I killed the prison guard.
Sure.
We can eat him later.
I want us to get to the next level.
Awesome.
I've only got one life, so it's now or never.
What do you mean "next level"? Like relationship-wise? Okay, cool.
Draw their fire, I'll steal the antidote from the lab.
Let's go for it.
I found these butterscotches in my pocket.
They just appeared.
It's a sign.
Come on, I'm exposed here.
Don't let me down, dude.
Okay, I'm gonna blow the door.
The monkeys look mad.
Okay, dude.
I'm in.
Okay.
I'm in.
I got it.
Meet me by the hover car.
Awesome.
Yes! I love you.
Me too, dude.
Me too.
Oh, my gosh.
I thought it was weird when you said, "Troll the respawn, Jeremy," but I figured that was just a new way of saying goodbye.
I've been saying it all day.
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
Ha-ha-ha.
First time on bath salts, dear? So you thought that I said "I love you" after we kissed, like, twice and you wanna get matching tattoos.
You don't know anything about me.
You're from Tampa, have two sisters, Liz and Sarah, and your childhood dog was named Jellybean.
None of that is correct.
Kimmy, I thought that this was just fun Me too.
I was trying to have fun and then I made everything weird.
Because I'm weird.
And now you're looking at me like I'm Jesus' crazy stepbrother, Terry.
That's not in the Bible, is it? No.
It'd probably be for the best Yep.
Got it.
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
Black, gay and old? Oh I'm not even gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.
Excuse me, pal.
Sorry to bother you, but, well, the last couple of days, I've been asking myself tough questions about how I treat women.
Interest level exceeded.
Wait, wait, wait.
Um, the thing is, I I I think that I envy women because they can be with men.
And I've never said this out loud before, but I think that's what I want too.
So you wanna go out for a drink sometime? Are you asking me out, you tasty little Bob the Builder? Yeah.
I am.
You can't handle this yet.
Still got it.
Call me in 10 years.
This is actually supposed to take that long, so Cyndee.
My fiancé and I have decided to return to Durnsville, the city that never sleeps.
Is that siren still going off? Cyndee, I'm sorry.
Go on.
You were right.
I'm not doing any of the things I said I would.
It turns out I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't have anything.
It's like in the Bible, when Terry borrowed his brother's moped.
Listen to me, don't listen to me.
You get to live your life the way you want.
That's the whole point of not being in a bunker.
No one gets to tell you what to do.
And I think part of me is jealous of you because you really do have everything you want.
You just took a shortcut to get there and I can't do it that way.
You're gonna take the road less traveled.
I guess so, Cyndee.
Even though that's exactly how you got kidnapped.
True.
But if I'm gonna do all the things I said I would, I need to get going.
And I know where I'm gonna start.
I'm here to enroll in eighth grade.
Sorry, someone your age can't enroll in middle school.
But Billy Madison did.
Yes, but Billy Madison's family was very wealthy.
They owned Madison Hotels, a Fortune 500 company.
But there is a GED class that meets here.
This is perfect.
And they have a lacrosse team.
No, those are all flyswatters.
Look out, world, here comes Kimmy.
End of Breakfast Club.
I know what it is.
Ripped By mstoll