Undeclared s01e05 Episode Script

What's up? Hi.
You don't look very comfortable.
That's 'cause I'm not.
Well, hon, why do you like sleeping on the couch? What? Lloyd said that you liked to sleep on the couch.
Is it for your back? Is that it? Yeah.
We both know how lloyd is terrified to sleep alone.
Yeah, it's See you soon.
I hope so.
I don't understand.
What was wrong with the girl who walked out of here this morning? Don't you feel bad about what you do to these girls? No, actually.
I feel quite good about what I do to these girls.
You don't think that maybe they might want more than just sex? You know? Like, they all probably like you a lot.
But you could be and this, like, might sound stupid or whatever, but you could be hurting them.
They never seem upset.
Yeah, but how would you know, anyways? You don't talk to them.
I know they're like, I love to talk after sex.
You had sex once.
And we talked.
It was great.
[Coughing.]
Hey.
We heard you were sick, so we just came to see how you're feeling.
Yeah, not so good.
But you know, I'm goin' to the health clinic.
Wait.
The school health clinic? Marshall, listen to me.
Doctors are bad.
Doctors are bad? Yeah.
I mean, they fill your body up with all kinds of chemicals, and they don't even know what the hell they're doing.
All I ever use are natural remedies, and they totally, totally work.
Right, lizzie? Yeah, it's true.
UmYou know, I had a cold last week, and she gave me these weird herbal pills, and I was better in, what? 4 or 5 days.
Yeah! See? These herbal remedies totally work.
And they're all natural.
From the earth.
Yeah.
Like one time, I, uh I ate grass until I puked like a dog, and then I felt, like, so much better.
Like that, right? Marshall, people have been getting healed from these plants for thousands and thousands of years.
And if you actually want to get better, I'd be more than happy to help you.
Thanks.
Maybe I I'll do that.
Great.
Feel better.
Ok.
Dude, she just offered to take care of you, right? You should totally do that.
Think about it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right, right.
And she'll spend time with me.
And she'll feel sorry for me, and and then doctors won't put chemicals in my body.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then it's boob time.
Cool.
Cool.
Man, this flu rules.
All right, mr.
Magoo.
Time to leave.
Rebecca's gonna be here any second.
Ok.
Well, uh, have fun, and in case you need me, I'll be sleeping on the disgusting- ass little couch right there that ron puked on the other night.
Thanks.
All right.
We'll try not to talk too loud.
[Marshall coughing.]
Hey, steve, you can't you can't sleep there tonight.
Uh-uh.
Come on.
Why? I mean, marshall isn't having sex tonight, is he? No.
Marshall is sick.
So, if I sleep in there, I'll get sick.
So, you know, you gotta go sleep in the rec room.
ICome on.
I was here first.
Just go.
You're not gonna win the argument.
Just go.
Now.
Come on.
1, 2.
Grrr! 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
Ok, 21 drops.
No, don't swallow it.
Just keep it under your tongue.
Feeling any better? What is this stuff, exactly? Western evergreen root oil.
And some antitoxins.
It increases favorable prostaglandins.
Mmm.
It feels better.
Good.
You're really smart.
Thanks.
[Giggles.]
And you're pretty.
You're smart, and you're pretty.
Like a dolphin.
Thanks.
[Shivering.]
You're welcome.
God, it's hot.
Oh.
I'm really hot.
This is the school's video show, and I'm the host.
It was supposed to be me talking about music, but they wanted to play videos, so as usual, I'm just going to talk until they cut me off.
Coming up next, we have a generic r&b video.
I don't know who it's by, but excuse me.
Student on tv: A guy without a shirt on spinning around in the rain.
Am I, like, interrupting a a slumber party or something? No, our roommates are having sex.
How 'bout you? Yeah [Laughs.]
He is.
Wait.
Uh, can I sit here? Thank you.
Thank you.
Um All of your roommates are having sex? Yep.
This is where we wait until they're done.
Who's your roommate? Oh, um, the blond english guy.
Lloyd? Yeah.
Yeah.
That must be hell.
Yep.
Yeah.
Um, what about you? Who's your roommate? The brown-haired girl with the very large chest.
Oh, lucy big boobs.
Yeah.
I've seen her.
Mmm.
Well, um I I I should probably get goin'.
Yeah, ok.
Um Ok, well Thanks.
[Laughs.]
I mean, you know, for yeah.
Oh, thanks.
Ok.
You know, you could, um, stay for a while if you like.
We could, umUm, talk.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, we should talk.
That's one of the things that I like to do af um, with you, is talk.
Ok.
[Chuckles.]
Ok.
Yeah.
Excellent.
[Laughs.]
Hmm.
[Knock on door.]
You guys gotta come with me and see this.
What is it? Just come.
[Coughing.]
[Coughing.]
[Coughs.]
I think my hands are shrinking.
See? [Coughs.]
Is that supposed to happen? That's a lot of sweat.
Marshall, you're sure you don't want to go to the doctor? I think that you should go to the doctor now.
This isn't bad.
He is just sweating out the toxins.
It means the fever's breaking.
Marshall: I feel fine.
Look, rachel's doin' a good job.
We talked and talked and talked.
That girl is funny.
How was your night? Uh, terrible, ok? I had to sleep in the rec room.
I hate it.
I hated it.
Well, it's not for nothin', steven.
You'll be happy to hear that rebecca and I are goin' out on a second date.
Wow, a second date.
Whoop-de-doo.
Should I throw a party? You're never happy, you know? I thought that was good.
A second date is not good.
I'm sorry.
Like, a year is good, but, like but, like, I mean, I I I bet you probably couldn't even last with her till, like, friday or something.
Oh, of course I could last with her till friday.
This is serious, steven.
It could last for, like, a week.
[Laughs.]
Wow.
See, what are you doin'? See, you don't care about girls, a-and y-you're just way too self-centered to even to even, like, listen to them or care about their needs.
Easy, sunshine.
Gettin' ahead of yourself there.
Well, that's what sleeping in the rec room will do to you.
Ok? I can't believe the textbook for that class costs $55.
It's, like, this big.
Hey! I'm serious.
Hey, you need to tell marshall to go to the doctor.
He doesn't need to go to the doctor.
He's getting better.
No, he's not getting better.
He he looks terrible.
He looks like death.
I almost buried him this morning.
Ok? That's because his body is releasing all the toxins.
He needs to go to a doctor.
Ok? A real doctor.
Not not a witch doctor with, uh with skull necklaces and jungle mud, you know.
Like, a doctor with pills and tongue depressors.
No.
Doctors don't know anything.
My uncle had stomach pains, and the doctors took out his kidney.
And then they found out there was nothing wrong with it.
Now he has to go through the rest of his life without a kidney.
Well, you'll be very happy to know that he does have a kidney 'cause you're born with 2 kidneys, you moron.
You're an idiot.
Yeah.
Ok.
I am an idiot.
You know why? Because I told marshall to take your dumb herbs in the first place 'cause he liked you and he wanted a reason to talk to you.
Oh, you think you're so much smarter than me, don't you, ron? No, rachel, I don't think that.
I don't sit around thinkin', "oh, I wonder if I'm smarter than rachel? "Ooh, she seems so much smarter than me.
It takes a lot of smarts to cull your eyebrows.
" I don't think that, 'cause I'm so obviously smarter than you.
Ok? I know it.
Ohh! You're such a jerk! Tell him to take real pills.
No! No.
Because I am right! And you're wrong! Why don't we ever hang out in my room? I don't know.
This is only the second night I've seen you.
Well, yeah, but the first time, we were in your room.
I mean, why aren't we in my room this time? Uh Um You're right.
You're right.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Um Ok.
Well, if it'll make you happy, next time, we'll hang out in your room.
Ok.
You're so sweet.
Whoa! Ok.
[Chuckles uncomfortably.]
We're like jennifer aniston and brad pitt.
Yeah.
I know, but LikeThey're married.
[Chuckles.]
[Rebecca laughing.]
[Snoring.]
Uh-huh.
My name is nicola, and I choose to take this risk.
Boy: Faller ready? Ready.
Falling.
Boy: Fall on.
Whoo! Yeah! All right! [Clapping.]
Steven! [Group applauding.]
Hey.
How's it goin'? Oh.
Where's roy? He's back in his room.
His roommate broke up with his girlfriend.
UhWell, good for roy.
Right? Why are we out here and they're in their rooms having sex? Are we the losers? Nah.
We're as cool as they are.
Are we? I've spent $600 this month on internet porn.
I feel sorry for you, steve, 'cause lloyd see, lloyd, he's sexy.
And, umOnce I took a picture of him bending over at the water fountain.
[Chuckles.]
He is so fine To me.
Well, you know what? I'm not jealous of lloyd.
And none of you guys should be jealous, either.
You ever think that maybe we're not hookin' up every night because we're choosy? We're choosy.
And from where I'm sittin', there's a hell of a lot of hot, choosy people sitting right in this room right now.
That's right.
I'm hot and choosy.
Yeah.
Any woman would love to get with this.
Yeah! They would! And all I need is a chick that I didn't download off the net.
And you know what? One day, that's gonna happen.
I ain't choosy at all.
I'll take anybody.
Well, I'm saving myself for lloyd.
You might want to rethink that one.
You need to find a temperature that's neither hot nor cold 'Cause those don't feel good anymore.
Oh [Coughs.]
Marshall, do you actually feel better? Course I feel better.
So you don't want to see a doctor? Uh, no.
I I hate to bother oh [Coughing.]
[Shivering.]
I'm gonna take a shower And I'm gonna go to class.
[Coughs.]
Ok.
Just in case, I'm gonna sleep in here in ron's bed tonight, just so I can look after you during the night.
Ok.
Good night.
Yeeeeeeee! Ee-e-e-e! What? What? What? That means "thank you" in dolphin.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Remember? I called you one.
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
[Coughs.]
Uhh! [Coughing loudly.]
Are you ok? [Coughing.]
Uh[Coughs.]
Fine.
Ok! Good night! [Coughs.]
Good night.
[Coughs.]
Yeeee-e-e-e-e-e! Girl, it's only you have it your way and if you want, you can decide and if you'll have me it's nice in here.
You know? Yeah.
It's not so bad.
Everything that you desire let me get a feeling the feeling that I'm feeling won't you come closer mmmTo me, baby hey then you already got me right where you want me, baby is your name lloyd? How does it feel? Yeah how does it feel? Yeah girl, I wanna know, how does it feel? how does it feel? how? how does it feel? yeah, how? [coughing loudly.]
[Wheezing and coughing.]
[Coughing continues.]
Marshall.
Marshall.
Wake up, buddy.
What's happening? You gotta get up now, and you gotta get your student I.
D.
Card.
Why? [Coughing.]
Shh! Don't wake up rachel.
Shh! I found this guy who makes fake I.
D.
S out of your student card, but, you know, he's in he's in a hurry, so we gotta go now.
Ok.
[ Coughing.]
Come on.
So, I'm gonna be able to drink and rent a car? Yeah.
You can do anything now, marshall.
That's great, ron.
That's really great.
[Chuckling.]
Yeah.
[Coughs.]
Whoa! Hey, you gotta keep walkin', man.
The guy doesn't do this all day.
Come on.
That's the health clinic.
Yeah.
That's where we get our new fake I.
D.
S at the health clinic.
You're tryin' to trick me into goin' to the doctor, aren't you? No! No.
[Coughing.]
[Coughing.]
Ok.
Ok.
Marshall, look.
You are very sick, and you you have to go to the doctor.
[Coughing.]
No, I don't.
I don't I don't have to go to the doctor.
OhLook, do you want to die of the flu? Is that what you want? Do you want to die? That would be Pathetic.
Ok? That hasn't happened for hundreds of years.
So come on, man.
Let's go.
She she slept in my room last night.
Really.
It was amazing.
I dreamt of what our kids would look like and stuff.
Beautiful [Coughs.]
Marshall.
That's reallyThat's That's beautiful.
Come on! No.
Come on.
No.
Come on, man! Just come on! No! You can't it's a fever dream! It's nothing! It's a fever dream! It's meaningless.
[Coughing.]
[Coughing.]
Oh, god! Come on! Come on! Stop! Ohh! Ohhh! Keep that's Disgusting, man.
Disgusting! You're not my friend, ron! I thought you were my friend! You're not! What's it like being so good-looking? I mean, do you think people treat you differently, or [Chuckles.]
No, I don't think so.
[Chuckles.]
Aren't you gonna ask me? What? Wow.
Uh, what it's like being good-looking? Or do you not think I'm attractive? Of course you're attractive.
You're beautiful.
Forget it.
Just 'cause you asked me a question, I didn't realize I had to ask you the same question back.
[Unbelieving sigh.]
Of course you're attractive! You're beautiful.
That's why I'm here.
Is that all that matters to you? That's not what I meant.
Uh-huh.
UmWhat else do you like about me? Um Well, you're nice.
Ohhh! Nice? Oh, I hate that word.
What does it even mean? You know? Weak.
I meanWhy are we even here? We're getting to know each other.
Getting to know each other? We had sex.
Don't you think if you had any respect for me, you would have done that before you violated me? [Chuckles uncomfortably.]
Obviously, I'm not understanding.
Here Tell me how you feel.
Ohh! What are you doing?! I'm being sensitive to your needs! I'm listening.
Oh, well, aren't you just so sensitive? Let me just take off my pants.
Here.
I'm so lucky to know you.
What are you talking about? You know what? You know what? Just get out.
Ok? Look.
Rebecca, we can make this work.
Just give me through friday.
You know, we're not like brad pitt and jennifer aniston.
We were like brad pitt and gwyneth paltrow.
What do you mean? They broke up.
Please just give forever.
Ah.
[Knock on door.]
Lloyd: Steve, is this your idea of a joke? Sorry, lloyd.
I'm in here with a lady.
Come back in a little while.
[Snoring.]
How much longer should we do this? Another half an hour should be good.
Yeah.
Ok.
Just make sure to save some energy, 'cause we have to go to my room next.
Yeah.
Sure.
Tv: Hey, welcome to nrl no requests live.
We're not live.
Why no requests? Well, I don't get to pick a video, so why should you? Evening.
[Tv continues.]
Hi.
My name is lloyd And I guess I'm ready to take this risk.
All: Faller ready? Falling.
All: Fall on.
Ahh! [Chuckles.]
That was fun.
Hey, I'm lloyd.
Yeah, I know.
[Coughing.]
[Coughing.]
Ron! Ron! Wake up.
What's happening? UhWell I just kinda wanted to apologize, 'cause, uh, I think that you're maybe kind of right and I was maybe Kind of wrong.
'Cause, um I think maybe marshall should see a doctor.
And why couldn't this wait until later? Because I need help carrying him.
What's that in his hair? It looks like Shaving cream.
Hey, how'd it go last night? I don't want to talk about it.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
The rec room rules.
[Chuckles.]
Am I right? Hey, I think if we leave him here, someone'll pick him up.
You know, you should really be carrying the heavy end.
My back is killing me.
Oh, you know, tannis root is good for back pain.
I've got some.
Marshall: Tannis root.
That's what helped me.
No, thank you.
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