Undercover (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

'For most people, life is all about family.
'But as an undercover cop, 'my life is all about a family of Armenian gangsters 'who might kill me at any moment.
' Ssh! The Armenians have always been proud and noble tribesmen.
While the rest of Europe lived as animals, we were building empires.
We have always been culturally and intellectually superior to everybody else.
Oi, oi! Jesus, Stepan! What? I'm just a proud tribesman.
Who's contravening the Highway Code and objectifying women.
How many times have I told you about long words? I know, I know, five letters max.
Right, what does everyone want? The usual for me.
Couple of boreg, couple of manti.
I'd rather eat sheep's bollocks.
Good idea.
I'll have a couple of those, too.
Shit! Shit, shit! Were wolf! Werewolf! Agh! Right, so, boreg baklava, manti.
They didn't have any garam frie - Chris! Chris! All right, calm down, greedy bags! Chris! Shit! Jesus Christ! Leave the wolf to me! It's arrived.
Shit, shit, shit, shit! Give me your bastard bike, you prick! Stay with me! Stay with me, Ara! Here, here! Smell this! Smell the tree, Ara! Stay with me! Smell the tree! You're right, I shouldn't use language like that.
It's very, very offensive.
I'm really sorry.
Now can I please borrow your bike? Fuck off.
It's me.
Ara's been shot.
We're in the car.
Yes, I'm driving.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, my God! Protocol? Are you serious? OK, hang on.
Yes, I've got it on! OK.
We're on our way to St Phillips Hospital.
Stop going on about protocol! Let's rendezvous at the hospital.
OK, bye.
Protocol? Rendezvous? Chris? Yeah.
That was my mate.
Erm We always say rendezvous because he's, er, French.
French? Yeah, you know what they're like, always making people speak their language.
"Oh, let's rondayvoo for a creme brulee baguette "and go and buy some lonjeree," they probably say.
The French wankers! Lingerie? Smell the tree, Ara! Smell it! Don't worry, Lucine, I won't take my eyes off him for a second.
He's safe with me.
He's in a safe pair of hands.
Oh, my God.
Are you OK? I think so.
Good.
Ara was in the car when you rang me.
What the hell were you thinking? I made a call.
Yes, I know.
No, I mean Never mind.
This is a very delicate situation.
Upstairs are very worried.
Let's hope there isn't a war, then.
The likes of Garabed and Stepan? You know they'll go looking for retribution.
You need to keep a lid on things, Chris, calm things down.
It's just, they're not very calm people.
Do your best, then, Chris.
And in the meantime, we pray Ara survives.
Ara's not actually such a bad guy.
All right, he's killed a few people, but overall, he's a pretty good bloke.
How could you let him get shot? Hm? I only wanted a chamomile tea.
It's OK.
It's just stress.
They say tears are just weakness leaving the body.
I think quite a lot of weakness is about to come out.
Looks like some already has.
That's chamomile tea.
That's not the weakness.
This is the weakness.
It's OK.
I cried too, once, you know, this one massive tear, when I was a little girl.
And? Oh, that was it, to be honest.
That's so sad.
Look, Chris, you need to get in there, find out who did it.
Keep everything calm.
No war, just think calmness.
What's going on? I'm meditating.
You said think calmness.
Not you! Find out who's behind this and keep everybody calm.
I think it's best if you take hold of your emotions, Chris.
Lock them in a box and shred the key.
It's easier to focus.
Can shredders shred metal? Where the hell have you been? You think it's OK to leave your boss on his own? Can you believe they've run out of Lucozade in the shop? Not the first time, is it? They've run out of Lucozade? That you turned your back on the boss! Look, guys, we all just need to calm down and figure out who's behind this.
Jesus.
What's the matter now? Jesus .
.
have mercy .
.
on Ara's beautiful soul! I'm just so moved that the boss is still with us.
He is still with us, isn't he? Ara needs grapes.
What are you doing, woman? His bedding's fine.
Someone's got make-up all over the pillow.
Someone who wears quite a lot by the looks of it.
You've got plenty to say for yourself, haven't you? Stupid cow! Lara! Yes? She has got a lot to say for herself, hasn't she? Lara's make-up is always immaculate, so leave us alone, you stupid bitch! There's no need for that, Chris.
Stepan tells me you were nowhere to be found when the shooter came.
I was in the cafe, if that's what you mean.
Very convenient! You're not seriously suggesting I was involved? Quiet! He's trying to say something.
Boss? Arno .
.
knows Yurik .
.
looking for a successor.
What's a successor? Someone who replaces someone else.
Right, yep, got it.
Who's Yurik? The big boss of all the families.
How do you even get across the road? Arno wants to be .
.
new Yurik.
Who's the old Yurik? Yurik's the old Yurik.
Quiet! What do you want us to do, boss? Get .
.
Arno.
I knew it, man! Calm down! Ara probably meant, "Let's get Arno round for a drink and a chinwag and a bowl of soup.
" Let's not be too hasty.
Who's for soup? Boss? Boss! Boss! I'm going to kill that bastard Arno! Stepan! Stepan You can't kill him.
Brothers fight.
It doesn't necessarily mean Ara wants him dead.
They're still brothers.
Scientists call it attachment theory.
He shot him, Chris! But he didn't kill him, did he? Families fight.
You fought with Lara but you never killed her, did you? Course not.
She's my sister.
I killed her cat.
OK.
The point is, you didn't kill her, did you? Sometimes in life, killing the cat is enough.
Looks like we found our cat.
Stepan, you're being hasty.
Why are people always saying that to me? Being hasty is one of my best qualities! Dig.
I don't want to hurt you.
Don't worry, you won't.
I don't want to but, erm, I could.
But you won't.
I'm not to be trifled with! I mean, fucked with! I'm not to be fucking fucked with! You don't get it, do you? I mean it.
Gun beats shovel.
But cop can't use gun.
What? I know all about you, Christopher Gregorian.
Or should I say Christopher Anderson? One-eighth Greek.
Started in Traffic.
Undercover for nine months.
Operation Piccolo.
Zoe Keller's your handler.
You know Zoe, Chris? Gets that rash on her neck when she gets tense.
Big fan of George Alagiah.
- Irrational hatred of - Coriander.
But But how? Oh, my God! She didn't tell you, did she? I'm a cop, too.
You're making me all confused.
I'm just a lot, lot better than you at it.
I can't believe this.
All right, then, if you're so smart, why did Arno's crew shoot Ara? Jesus! They didn't.
How can you be so sure? Cos I spent the last four years making it my business to know every move that family makes.
It's called police work, Chris.
You should try it some time.
If it wasn't your lot, who was it? Ara is a boss of a crime family, it could be literally anyone - the Maradians, the Adamians, the Kardashians.
Seriously, you can't rule those bastards out of anything.
Now give me your keys.
What? No.
You give me your keys.
And your shoes.
And your necklace.
Keys.
I'm taking your car.
What, and you're just going to leave me here, in the mud, with an idiot? Have you seen Deliverance? When he comes round, you head home.
You forget we ever had this chat, understood? What do I tell him and the Sarkissians about all this? Good point.
We're going to have to make this look realistic.
You're kidding me?! So we're agreed, we won't tell them you gave him the shovel and we won't tell them I had the gun.
Agreed.
What the hell happened? Stepan gave him the shovel.
Chris has the gun.
He was unbelievably quick.
So Christophe gets away.
Very convenient You are buying tea when Ara is shot.
Very convenient We've been over this.
And anyway, why weren't you in the car, Garabed? Very convenient Garabed shoot Ara? Next you be saying it's me, Chris, his own mother.
Very convenient None of us are above suspicion.
Listen to me, you streak of shit.
You better pray that the boss pulls through, because if he dies, you're a dead man.
And if he pulls through? Then, we speak to him calmly and get to the bottom of all this.
Then I kill you.
Very convenient I'll be here, boss, 24/7.
Those Serbian paramilitaries trained me to last three weeks without sleep.
Before I killed them all.
Oh, happy days! What the hell were you thinking, going off with Stepan and taking Christophe hostage? That's not calming the situation down! What the hell was I thinking? Why didn't you tell me Christophe was a cop? What else haven't you told me? Arno Sarkissian's your mum in disguise? No need to bring my mum into this.
Look, I can't inform you of every little detail that happens in the case! I'm not asking for hourly breakdowns of what colour bra you're wearing.
You could tell me the big stuff.
No need to get emotional, Chris.
Let's keep our emotions locked up in that box, the one you destroyed the key to.
Which, by the way, if you destroyed the key, how do you keep opening it to stick new emotions in? I never meant to put you in danger.
Head bandage! We're on your side! He did that for you.
So thoughtful.
Please, thank him from me.
I'm here to help you, Chris.
OK.
OK! Just don't leave anything out any more.
Like how Lucine is your gran.
You put on the mask and shot Ara and you're engaged to Christophe.
Well, we're not engaged but Yeah, right! As if you'd go out with that prick Christophe! His real name's actually Matt.
Matt! Yeah, right! Course it is! Oh, no.
No way.
Look, Chris - Don't you dare! Don't even try and talk your way out of this one.
Your behaviour is reckless, dangerous, and I can't think of a third one! Shit! Your behaviour is shit! I forgot my phone! Christophe? Really? Sorry, I thought you were Garabed.
He's convinced I shot Ara.
He's always hated me and now he's got just the excuse he wants.
There's only one way out of this.
Move to Brazil and have gender realignment surgery.
This has got Christophe's name written all over it.
It definitely wasn't Christophe.
It's often the people you least expect.
You can't trust anyone.
Maybe it was the police.
No, the police wouldn't go that far.
Wake up, Chris.
The police are the biggest criminals out there.
Surely the biggest criminals out there are, well, the criminals.
But, yeah, could be the police.
Those bacon-flavoured crooks! Agh.
Well, whoever it is, I need to find out fast.
If I don't, Garabed will kill me.
Calm down.
Garabed can't lay a finger on you unless, God forbid, Ara dies.
At least until he comes round.
What is it? Ara's come round.
You didn't do it, so you've got nothing to worry about.
OK.
But I'm telling you, it'll be on your head if Garabed whacks me off.
Boss, let's just save time.
Leave, Garabed.
I'd like to speak to them alone.
But, Boss Enough.
And, Garabed, don't you ever kiss my head again.
Sorry, Boss.
How are you feeling? That must've been such a shock.
The biggest shock came after the shooting when I worked out who done it.
Ara, I know what Garabed's been saying.
I can assure you - Relax, Chris.
I know it was not you.
I would never do anything like that, and I'm a terrible shot! Chris I know it wasn't you.
Oh, thank the Lord! I knew it had to be one of the family.
They were the only ones who knew my movements.
Garabed is too loyal.
Stepan is too stupid.
Chris too Chris.
Too Chris? What does that mean? The thing that really gave it away was the mask.
There's only one person I know who was obsessed with Little Red Riding Hood when they were a child.
That's what I really love about you, Uncle, always one step ahead.
Almost always.
What the hell are you doing? I'm about to finish what I started.
Why don't you ask my beloved uncle what happened to my father? Your father? W-What has this got to do with Rafi? Arno told me the truth.
What truth did he tell you? Ara killed my father.
He killed his own brother.
Oh, thank God! Thank God I know what's happening.
Don't you see, it's in our family's nature to look for revenge.
Arno's taking advantage of this.
You can be hot-headed sometimes, getting angry at the drop of a hat.
Shut your fat mouth, Chris! Your father's death was an accident, Lara.
Stop lying to me.
Arno told me everything.
That arsehole Tommy may have pulled the trigger, but it was you who made it happen.
Tommy pulled the trigger, that is true, but when I found out, I killed him.
You killed Tommy? I knew it was you, Ara! Didn't I say? God, you're good.
You don't give anything away, do you? Shut up, Chris! Arno wants me out of the way, so he gets one of my own family to do it.
The eagle killed by the arrow .
.
made from its own feather.
No.
I don't get played.
If anyone's doing the playing, it's me.
Isn't it? Oh, God! Arno's taking me for a fool, isn't he? I'm so sorry, Uncle! I am so sorry! Don't be.
I respect you, Lara.
For shooting you? We're peas in a pod.
I would've done exactly the same.
I'm proud of you, Lara, proud of you for putting a bullet in me.
Thank you.
That means so much.
This is like the weirdest episode of Jeremy Kyle ever.
I'm going to kill that bastard Arno.
You can't.
To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, "To shoot one uncle may be regarded as misfortune, "to shoot the other" Not now, Chris.
OK.
You can't kill Arno.
He's a connected man.
Finally, someone talking some sense.
An end to all this terrible bloodshed.
Kill Christophe.
What? That will send a message to Arno.
They are meeting at the Park Cafe today.
They go every Saturday afternoon after Arno makes his collections.
You're the best uncle ever! I just hope you have more luck than when you shot me.
Fingers crossed! "Hi, this is Zoe.
You can get me on the other number - 999.
" It's about Christophe.
Remember Christophe? The one you didn't tell me was a policeman.
Or your boyfriend.
Lara's going to kill him.
I'm on my way there now.
See how easy it is, keeping someone in the loop.
All I did was pick up the phone and tell you what was going on.
And guess what? I didn't forget to tell you about undercover policemen, or the fact that my boyfriend was a cop.
Well, not my boyfriend, obviously.
I haven't got I'm sorry about the long message.
Just call me back when you get this.
We told them it was pork and they ate the lot! No-one lies to me.
Oh, shit.
Jesus Christ! Oh, shit.
Give it back to me.
I've told you, I'm doing the word search.
Oh, my boys! Look at you both.
Just like when you were little! Did we get shot a lot as children? You were both headstrong.
The men in this family have always been that way - robust, independent, intelligent.
All right, bitches! It sometimes skips a generation.
The good news is, it's all over.
No more guns.
No more hits.
Everything's all square.
Nothing is square, Chris.
I still want Christophe dead.
What? So, how about you help me out? I'll do it! You will? That is such a lovely gesture.
Thank you, Chris.
You're right.
That stupid twat Christophe deserves to die.
Consider him a goner.
I am getting so good at evil plans.
So, bit awkward this, but I've kind of promised someone, as a favour, that I'll .
.
kill Christophe.
What are you talking about? If I don't do it, Lara will.
Why the hell would Lara kill Christophe? Lots of reasons.
But mainly because she's a raving psychopath.
The point is, you have to make him disappear.
No way! This case is his life.
It's a big chance in his career.
You don't get it, do you? I'm doing this for you.
For your happiness.
Unless one of your favourite hobbies is having a dead boyfriend, I'm helping you.
Don't worry about Christophe.
He can take care of himself.
He's not some bloke fresh out of Traffic.
He can handle the Lara Sarkissians of this world.
Oh, he can handle her all right.
What? Nothing.
Come on.
What do you mean by that? I told you, nothing.
Ohh! Don't bullshit me, Chris! What's going on? It's just I happen to know that Christophe might have, sort of, kind of .
.
had sex with Lara.
Had sex with Lara? Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I know all about it.
What? It's all part of the case, isn't it? We talked it through.
Agents do what they have to do in the field.
Of course.
The case But on reflection, I think I .
.
I will take him off the case for his own safety.
For his own safety.
Just to be clear, the story is that I've killed Christophe.
Yep.
Look at me.
Proper hitman.
Come on, Keller.
Box .
.
key .
.
shredder.
I still can't believe that you did that for me.
It's all part of the service.
You won't be seeing Christophe again.
Where do you think you're going? One good turn deserves another.
Shall I be Grandma? Yurik Petrossian, the big boss, here on UK soil! It's what we've been waiting for.
Just say it, Uncle.
You think he might be naming his successor.
Maybe we could go for a Shit! Yurik Petrossian! Shit! Make him pay! So Who is the rat?