United We Fall (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
It's 7:15!
If we're late for school again,
we all go to jail.
Check us out!
Alright! Power suits.
What's the occasion?
Well, the girls have a half-day today,
so I'm bringing them to work.
Ah, the half-day
When the Denver school system
throws its hands up and goes,
"You wanted to have kids.
You deal with them."
I can't wait to go to work!
[GASPS] Because you're as
inspired by construction as Mommy?
No, because my uncles will
sneak me candy all day.
Great. Well, I'll be using one
of my personal days
to bring my mother to her colonoscopy.
Wow, that prep was
completely out of control.
But I can confidently say
that the needle is on "E."
- Cool.
- Okay.
Oh, remember those sandwiches
we had at Giamela's about a month ago?
Well, apparently, mine was pinned in
by a slice of birthday cake.
How those blueberries skipped the line,
I have no idea.
Don't wanna be late.
Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute.
I I just have to say
goodbye to the girls.
After all, this might be
the last time they see me.
It's a very routine test.
[VOICE BREAKING] I love you so much.
Little dramatic, Mom.
Adiós, Gran-cake.
Okay. Come on, everybody.
Time to go. Let's go. Let's get out.
Here we go. Come on, Emily.
Thank you, babe.
You know,
if this is my last moment in this house,
I just have to say
I hate that couch.
Hey, where's all my artwork?
Oh, my God! I've been robbed!
Tío Felix! Tío Javier!
Hey, Emily! How are you?
Hey, shouldn't you two
deadbeats be at the jobsite?
- Deadbeats?
- Deadbeats?
You're a deadbeat.
These callused hands are the
foundation of this business.
Right, so go build something.
[CHUCKLES]
We will, but first,
there's a small matter that
requires your attention.
We need a modest advance.
10 paychecks up front.
Why?
[SIGHS] The Nuggets keep losing.
No.
Wow!
And that's why, even if Jesus came back,
I wouldn't let Him wear
sandals on a work site.
- Tía Jo!
- Marta!
Oh, my favorite niece!
I haven't seen you in so long!
I miss you guys.
She's not allowed at your
house for health reasons.
Are these your new co-workers?
'Cause they can't be my cousins.
They're way too grown up!
No, mamita, these are your cousins.
They don't work here.
Dad, I know.
What are you doing here?
It's a half-day today.
Shouldn't you be out planking or
Pokémon-ing?
God, I'm so old.
Well, my friends went to see a movie,
but, uh, I wasn't allowed.
Chuy, what do you think is gonna happen
if you let Marta see one movie?
Well, she'll see a movie,
then afterwards,
some kid will say, "Hey,
yo, let's go to my house.
I got more movies there."
Next thing you know,
there's a giant heroin orgy.
Chuy, come on.
He's not finished.
Huh-huh! Nine months after the orgy,
Marta gives birth to
a drug-addicted niño.
And the precedent has been set.
I have to let it see movies.
And the horrible cycle begins again.
Okay, I get that you have to
draw the line somewhere, but
She's a teenager, Jo.
I have to draw the line everywhere.
One bad decision could
derail her entire life.
- Right, Marta?
- Yes, Papa.
How is she supposed to learn anything
if she can't make mistakes?
You're questioning my parenting?
Your 2-year-old is
playing with a stapler.
I-I took the staples out.
There's always one in the chamber.
I feel like there's
still one in the chamber.
Yeah, that's called a phantom.
It's just a pocket of fresh air.
Ohh.
If you're ready, Sandra,
let us begin the anesthesia.
- I'm nervous.
- Don't you worry.
I've done over 10,000 of these,
and I've never lost a camera.
It's okay, Mom. You'll be fine.
I always thought I'd die
next to the man I love,
but I guess you'll have to do.
No offense.
"No offense." [CHUCKLES]
Such fitting last words.
Whoop. Uh-oh.
I got, like, what, 30, 40 minutes?
You tell me. I can stretch
it out as long as you want.
An hour?
Cool. We'll take the scenic route.
[SIGHS]
You remind me exactly
of me when I was 15.
My dad used to make me sit
here every vacation day.
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
Let me guess,
your brothers are off playing sports,
going out on dates?
Actually, they're seeing a movie.
[CHUCKLES] Unbelievable.
Hey.
You want to at least
go get an ice cream?
You actually think I'm
allowed to have sugar?
You know, let me
Let me try something.
Chuy!
[RATTLING]
I hope this is important.
I just got my chair into
the perfect position.
I just wanted to say
you were right.
[CHUCKLES] I know.
But about what?
I shouldn't question your parenting.
My family and home are disasters.
My daughters have no real role models.
That's all I was saying.
What if Marta came over
and was the role model that I can't be?
Yeah.
I could keep them
from watching movies.
You know what?
That all makes wonderful sense.
I'll discuss your proposal
with my wife, Brie.
I know who your wife is.
Hey. Everything go okay?
No.
Oh, my God.
It went amazing.
Your mother has the single most
impressive colon I've ever seen.
She might live to be a billion.
Ah, that's great to hear.
Some people shoot dope.
Some people jump out of planes.
This is my rush.
And I'm flying high, baby.
Any paperwork for me to sign or?
Bill, on my deathbed,
I'm gonna remember two things
Losing my virginity to Elizabeth Taylor
and your mom's colon.
Wow.
Maybe she should be charging you, right?
That's inappropriate.
Well, helloodle-doodle.
Uh, Doc, would it be
alright, if I, um
Take a video of her woozy,
drugged-out ramblings?
Sure. Go ahead.
[CHUCKLES]
Ladies and germs, "Mambo No. 6."
Oh, I think you mean "No. 5," huh, Ma?
No, this is boys' names.
A little bit of Tim.
A little bit of Jim.
A little bit of Dave.
Where's Dave?
Where's Dave?
I want Dave!
Oh-ho-ho. I don't know!
Dave's missing, I guess.
Well, I need Dave.
I looove Dave.
Ohh! You love him? Okay.
I'll go find him, then. Who's Dave?
- My first husband.
- What?
You should probably wash your phone.
It is disgusting in here.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Marta's coming over tomorrow.
Thought she wasn't allowed
here on account of the squalor.
Yeah, well, I tricked Chuy into it.
He's suffocating Marta.
I bet just one night here will
completely change her life.
Probably.
You're awesome.
Every night here
completely changes my life.
Sorry. I feel like I should have
a compliment for you right now,
but I don't.
That's okay.
- Oh! Found him.
- Who?
My mom's first husband. That's him!
Dave Plonker.
He lives in Denver,
and he runs a sprinkler-repair business.
My God, I can't believe your
mom was married before,
and you didn't know.
Ooh, ooh! Maybe she'll call him.
No, no, she wouldn't call.
My mom hasn't been on a date
since my dad left 30 years ago.
But you could call him.
Jo, I'm married.
But we do have that broken sprinkler.
You know, the one that goes
"Pfffft-f-f-f-f-f-f, pffft-f-f"
Actually, no, it's
It's it's more like
"Fffffff-f-f-f-fff-f-f-ffffff."
Okay. Yeah.
While that is the movement
- "F-f-f-f."
- Okay, you're way off on the noise.
- 'Cause it, like, sprays everything.
- The noise is the "Pffft, f-f-f-f-f."
No, no, no, babe, it's "Ffffff, fffff."
- Yeah, "Pffft" with the "Fff."
- "F-f-f-f, ffft."
Alright, look, the point is,
Mr. Dave Plonker
could come and take
a look at our sprinkler.
Right, right, and then who
knows what happens, you know?
They might fall back in love.
She could move out.
We could turn her room
into a bird sanctuary.
No way, dude. I'm getting a drum set.
You know, I would love to
see my mom find happiness
in something other than
low-priced rotisserie chickens.
Between Marta and your mom,
we are fixing so many
people's lives right now.
Mm-hmm, and our sprinkler,
which we both know goes like this
"Pffft, f-f-f-f-f."
You're spitting all over me!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey, you two.
There's my daughters' new role model.
Hey, Tía.
My father also believes
your kids will scare
me off of having sex.
Yeah, he's probably right.
Not so fast.
Just because you're not
under my roof tonight
does not mean that you
won't be following my rules.
- Of course.
- Yes, sir.
To review respect this home,
even though they clearly don't.
No TV. No video games.
If you even see Twitter, scream.
Do not use the word "sucks."
Do not say "biz-natch."
I put coasters in your backpack
because I've never seen one here.
Do use a coaster, don't be a boaster.
But she can vape, right?
- What?!
- Chuy, I'm kidding!
See, that's your problem.
You're always kidding.
I'm adulting.
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
Aha! We did it. You're out!
And don't worry. The only
rules here are ice-cream-related.
And they're very flexible.
Hey, uh, Marta, I gotta fill you
in on something really quick.
- Okay.
- Earlier today, I called
my mom's secret first
husband's sprinkler business,
and he'll be here any minute,
but he doesn't know that she lives here,
and she doesn't even know that
I'm aware of the marriage.
And, as Bravo says,
"We're gonna watch what happens."
What's Bravo?
I don't know.
You know, something Jo watches.
[MUFFLED] Mmm. Can you believe it?
This chicken was $3.99.
I bought a ton of them.
It's as good as it gets.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Uh, Mother, would you get that?
I am very lazy.
Dave Plonker?
[GASPS]
Sandy Bethesda Sanders?
You lying sack of [BLEEP]!
Okay. I deserved that.
You also deserve this.
This is way better than my house.
Sorry, Dave.
I was angry.
So, wait, you guys haven't
seen each other in 35 years?
That is a huge coincidence, huh, Jo?
Mm.
I can't believe these
chickens were $3.99.
You haven't changed a bit, Sandy.
You're still finding bargain chicken.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, remember that time
in North Carolina?
- 25 cents!
- 25 cents!
You know, up until today,
that was the craziest thing
that ever happened in my life.
- Me, too.
- Mm.
You haven't aged a day.
He hasn't?
I'm sorry.
The The way we left things,
it was just
I was so stupid.
I just thought I wasn't
experienced enough.
Well now I've experienced
literally everything.
Well, that's literally impossible.
But I never met another woman like you.
Oh, it was my fault.
I-I-I-I just kept screaming at you
when you'd leave your
underwear everywhere.
I just don't wear them anymore.
- Me
- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom!
It's cool if you want
to say "Me either,"
but I would like to leave
the room first, please.
The boy is right.
We should catch up solo.
How'd you like to hop on my hog tonight,
and we go for a quick ride,
like old times, huh?
Is that a euphemism?
Do you have a helmet?
I have two.
- Big ones.
- Oh!
- I can't tell.
- Mm.
Mm.
Nothing pairs better with vitamins
than a buttery Chardonnay.
Mm.
I'm literally catching a healthy buzz.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [GLASSES CLINK]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
Uch. It's Chuy,
making sure Marta did her push-ups.
I'm sending him back a text
of Stanley from "The Office" going
- You know?
- Yeah, I know. It's a good one.
Yeah.
Finished my push-ups.
Marta, come. Sit down.
Let's talk for a second.
How's school this year?
I don't know.
Dad's making me take all honors classes,
and I also have to do orchestra
because he says that most
violinists are virgins.
What do you do for fun?
Dad says getting
into college will be fun.
Sounds like you're doing
everything your dad wants.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
Nobody's ever asked me that before.
Really?
Honey, that's very sad.
I just do whatever my
parents tell me to do.
Wow.
Me, too.
Marta, you're 15.
You can start making some
of your own decisions.
I'm really not allowed.
God! Nobody gets us, Marta.
You know, growing up,
my dad was exactly like yours.
[SIGHS]
He was so strict.
I mean, he wouldn't even
let me play volleyball.
Meantime, m-my brothers were
out doing whatever they wanted.
And, finally,
I-I-I had to confront him about it.
And it was really hard,
but you know what?
I think it actually made
him respect me more.
Wow.
I know your dad is intense,
so whenever you need a break,
you can always come here.
- Thanks, tía.
- Yeah.
You know what?
This calls for an ice cream soda.
My dad says I'm only allowed to
eat ice cream in an emergency.
One decision won't ruin your life.
Let me go get my coaster.
[CHUCKLING] No.
Marta, you are gonna
leave a ring on that table
and you're gonna like it.
This feels so great.
Oh. Look at that.
That ring made the fifth
circle of the Olympic logo.
[LAUGHS]
S-O.
"So."
With the double-letter score,
that's three points.
Wow! Look at you!
Hot stuff!
I need to cancel. I can't go on a date.
Tell us what's going on.
I-I-I guess I was flying on
adrenaline when I saw Dave.
I'm not a teenager. I'm 71.
I can't go on a date.
Mom, listen, before your test yesterday,
you said you wished you
were with the man you loved.
I don't know if Dave's the guy,
but you gotta start looking,
'cause the doctor said you're
gonna live to be a billion.
I'd like to find what
you have with Jo.
Aww.
Well, Jo's taken, so
- I don't know.
- Ohhh!
Besides, it'd be a crime
to waste that killer outfit
hanging with your giant, simple son.
You're so sweet.
- I'll go.
- Aww.
Thanks.
Oh. Okay. Alright.
- No, we'll just
- Oh!
Excuse me.
I guess I should've gone
around the other way.
Nah, it's fine. It's fine.
So, Marta, if I don't drive
you home in 12 minutes,
your dad says I'm grounded, so
Alright. See you, Uncle Bill.
Jo, I won't look at
your letters. I swear.
Thank you both so much.
I know it was just a
regular night for you,
but it was a lot of fun for me.
Aww. Anytime, Marta.
You guys laugh so much.
Well, I'm very funny.
Okay, let's go.
Bye, Marta.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hold on. Is "marf" a word?
Can I just take a moment
to celebrate us?
Marta's life has changed forever.
Your mom is on a hot date.
Yep. Our deception completely
fixed our families' lives.
We're basically gods,
manipulating puny, little mortals
like pieces on a chess board.
Haven't heard from
my mom in a while, though.
- Should I be nervous?
- No.
I mean, what do we even
know about this Dave guy?
What if he gets her hooked on meth?
Babe, have you seen
her medicine cabinet?
I don't think meth would even touch her.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Oh, good. She's home.
Must've forgot her key.
Marta?
I did what you said.
Uh-oh. W-W-What did we say, again?
I told my dad I need to start
making my own decisions.
Then he said if I wanted to live there,
then I have to obey his rules.
So I said I don't want to live there.
And so I'm here.
Ah!
Wow!
Yikes. [CHUCKLES]
Darn. Um
Okay, okay, Marta.
Uh why don't
Why don't you go to bed,
and we will figure this out
in the morning?
- Thank you,
- Sure.
BILL: Good night, Marta.
Chuy's gonna kill us.
And how the hell are we gonna
figure this out in the morning?
- I have no idea.
- Man.
We really marfed this one.
What?
- I think marf's a word.
- Marf's not a word.
Yes, it is! Well, it's in Scrabble.
I mean, they have to check in a
dictionary or something, don't they?
Hey, buster. Wake up.
Mom? What's happening?
Yeah, I need 80 bucks.
Dave's taking me cosmic bowling.
There you go.
Okay, don't wait up, busters!
What's happening?
We now have two teenagers living here.
Ugh. I ate too much chicken.