UnREAL (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Welcome to Everlasting.
Chet Wilton, creator of Everlasting, big kahuna.
You're very lucky that your little stunt got me boo-yah ratings last season.
Yeah, Jeremy, I'm sorry that I That you disappeared without saying a word? Saw that you and Lizzie got back together.
She's my fiancée.
I called, Rach.
Yeah.
Mary.
I'm the old old, desperate one.
Her husband was physically abusive.
Hit the kid, too, broke her arm.
Well, what we need you to do is talk about being a virgin.
Oh! I think I'm a little out of my league.
Are you kidding me? You're the most attractive person here.
Chet stole Everlasting from both of us.
It's your word against his.
Well, unless you were to find your original look book.
You have taken everything from me.
Not anymore.
Some people think it's old-fashioned to ask a girl's family for her hand in marriage.
But here at Everlasting, chivalry is not dead.
So, in the spirit of true courtship, Adam will be going home with one lucky lady this week to meet her family in hopes of taking their relationship to the next level.
Adam? Ladies, I wish I could go home with each and every one of you.
But No, seriously, I I plan on taking this serious step with someone who I haven't got to know very well but who has definitely piqued my curiosity.
Faith.
Oh! Oh, hey.
Nice job, lady.
How did you get him to pick Faith? Oh, that's some toddler-level reverse psychology.
Yeah, I told him to cut Faith, and so he picked her.
Aw.
You know, who knew horse face was gonna be a crowd favorite? So, let's give them some hard core Americana.
What are we doing? Okay, so I was thinking about a sweet little mini rodeo followed up by a church dance Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're working way too hard.
Screw the rodeo and just get your woof woof to lose it to the big guy.
Yeah, but she hasn't even admitted that she's a virgin yet, so Well, then get her to.
Come on, Goldy.
It's 10k off your debt if you can pop her cherry in Dixie.
Huh? Ripped By mstoll Now, the rest of you ladies will be making video invitations explaining to Adam why you would like him to meet your family.
Ugh.
Mary's a freaking robot with that creepy smile.
I'm surprised she can feel anything with all the mood stabilizers she's on.
She's bipolar and she has PTSD from the domestic abuse.
Can I see that? Yeah.
- Shia, I need you all over those video invitations today.
- Yeah.
I can cover Rachel's girls while she's gone.
You're not gonna be too busy trying to get your entire head up Chet's asshole? Nah.
I'm a born multi-tasker.
All right, let's go, people! Rachel? A word? I'm worried about you, hon.
Why? Well, you're about to go on your first overnight trip with Jeremy.
Right.
Yeah, I I'll be fine.
Listen, I I just want you to keep making good decisions for yourself.
Giving into him, in particular, kind of destabilized you last time.
Mexico? I remember.
Yeah, I remember.
I understand.
I got it.
And if you could stay away from the booze on the road.
Makes us horny.
Got it.
Thanks.
You want to walk me through why you did the opposite of what I asked you to do? Because I'm not your meat puppet.
Wow.
It's gonna be a fun weekend.
Try not to fight with your boyfriend the whole time, okay? Adam.
Hey.
There is actually one more thing I might ask you to do for me this week.
But this one I swear it's gonna be right up your alley.
Up my alley, really? Yeah.
I'll just wait Holy crap! I cannot wait for you to see Gran's ranch.
I know.
It's gonna be so good! Hey, guys, time out, guys.
Time out.
Now, let's go have a conversation.
I'll talk to you later.
All right.
Oh.
Let's go chat, okay? Ooh, a chat.
A chat! I'm not even supposed to be telling you this, but the audience has been feeling a ton of heat building between you and Adam.
Really? Come on.
Why do you think he asked you on this date? Bringing him home to meet your family? Hey, that's a big step.
It might also be the perfect, like, most magical time to let your relationship evolve, you know? In a physical way.
Rachel, you know I can't.
No, listen.
I know that's a really big deal for you, you know, but I'm just saying that Adam he's, like, a really great guy.
Right? He's super sweet, crazy hot, and that's why you came here, to try new things, right? Yeah, I guess.
Can I think about it? Of course, sweetie, come on.
You're crazy.
I just I would never want you to do anything that doesn't feel right.
I'm just saying that I think Adam's been connected to you since day one, and if I were you, I'd want him to take my flower.
All right, sweetie, I'll see you soon.
Oh, my gosh! Hi, guys! Oh! Oh! Oh.
Come here, my sweet little tater, and hug my neck.
Oh.
Hi, Gran.
Yes.
Oh.
And who's this nice, young man? Adam Cromwell.
Thank you so much for inviting me into your home.
Oh! And these are for you.
Thank you.
Ooh, Adam, this is my best friend, Amy.
Hi.
Welcome to Mississippi.
Thank you.
Would you push me inside, young man? Sure, yeah.
Now relax and enjoy the day, sweetheart.
You're in God's country now.
Hey, Gran looks great.
Thank you for taking care of her.
Has she been easy? Eh.
Mostly.
Oh, gosh.
I'm shocked that I'm still here.
Okay, well, Adam kissed you in Napa.
What more do you want? Who else has he kissed? You know? I'm sorry.
I I just miss my kid.
I'm too old for this.
No, only because you're acting old.
You're not in menopause, Mary.
You're hot as hell, like, stunning.
Thank you.
Bathroom's on the left, hon.
Be in your business.
You're better than that.
How could you not think that? Amy, I'm sorry.
Look Are we done? Because Hey, hey.
I noticed that you haven't been drinking.
Are you, like, an alcoholic or something? No, Shia, I don't drink.
Those are two very different things.
Okay, and I respect that.
But, you know, maybe make an exception.
Two or five margaritas always help me sparkle.
I know that there is another Mary in there the real Mary.
We just have to find her and let her shine.
Okay.
Thanks.
Or you get dumped on national television for being a dull dead-eyed loser.
You think that's good for your kid to see? You get your hands off of me.
Before we begin, I'd like to make sure that my clients understand what a suit like this really entails.
Well, we are not your clients yet.
Exactly.
We talked about this.
She gets it.
Look, I just don't want to get that weird kind of cancer that people get from being bitter, and letting Chet take credit for my ideas is gonna give me that.
So, let's sue the bastard.
Okay, show me what you got.
Wow.
This is it? What? No, it's proof positive that the show was Quinn's idea.
No, all this proves is that you developed something, possibly with Chet while you were under his employ.
And intellectual property suits are almost impossible in reality TV.
Okay, you think I don't know that? Give it back.
Thank you.
Wait.
Is it true that you and Chet are connected on more than just a professional level? What are you implying? I'm implying that we may have another way to make a case.
Okay, so why don't you just tell me about your your physical relationship with Adam so far? My physical relationship with Adam has been hot and sexy and oh, he held my hand on the way up here.
I thought that was very romantic of him.
Okay, but you are going to be spending the night with him, and you haven't even kissed him.
Yeah, that's weird.
Faith, you seem uncomfortable.
No, no, no.
I'm fine.
No.
Well, it doesn't have anything to do with your friend Amy? What do you mean? I saw you two talking on the front lawn and it looked you know, it looked kind of intense.
She just thinks that sex shouldn't even be talked about on TV, let alone Oh, really? Where does she think it should be discussed? It's a subject for two married people under the watchful eye of God only.
That doesn't leave a lot of room for finding yourself, you know, exploring all the different options, which is a very, very normal part of growing up, don't you think, Faith? No, I don't think that.
I actually don't even know what you're talking about, Rachel.
To me, it just seems like Amy's opinion really matters to you.
Like, she's a very important person in your life, possibly the most important.
Rachel, you need to stop, seriously, because I'm in love with Adam, and I want him to take my virginity tonight.
So, your great grandfather built this barn? The whole town pitched it.
I know.
And screw it.
Sorry.
No, please.
That was that was lovely.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, Adam, the thing is I'm a virgin.
And I'd like you to be my first.
Oh, wow, Faith.
That is that's such an honor.
It is, right? Yes, of course.
Yeah.
Can you excuse me for just a second? Sure, yeah.
Rachel, are you kidding me? Her first? Take it as a compliment, okay? Nothing but satisfied customers in your wake.
What the hell are we doing here? You want lessons on intellectual property, or are we having a little lawyer playdate? Ooh, sounds fun, but no, we've thrown out the I.
P.
Case.
I'll let my client do the honors.
I am suing for palimony, promissory estoppel, and fraud.
What? So, now you're alleging that your client is my client's mistress? Ooh, more like an eight-year-long monogamous affair with promises made that remain unfulfilled.
My client has turned down job offers and marriage proposals based on said promises and is simply claiming recompense in the form of a 40 percent stake in Everlasting.
Oh, this should be fun.
Shouldn't it? We have cellphone records and credit card bills, not to mention photographs.
That really didn't go well.
Was I supposed to like it? Yeah, Faith.
Kissing is supposed to feel really good.
Wait, wait.
Have you never kissed anybody for real? Yeah, I mean not I mean I don't know.
Amy and I sort of practiced on our pillows at camp, but And each other? What? No.
No.
Oh, god.
All right, well, Faith I don't know, have you have you ever thought that you and Amy, you know, that you might be in love with Amy? That's disgusting.
No, it's not.
It's beautiful.
Wow.
Looks like you enjoy spas.
As does he.
We just went to Canyon Ranch six weeks ago for four nights.
And all these credit card charges are in your name.
Yes, but the hotel folio shows two guests and a male facial.
Mm, that could be any man.
But it wasn't.
And I'm sure that Mr.
Wilton's credit card statements, once subpoenaed, will reflect charges in Tucson, Arizona, that week, as well.
No, he actually pays cash.
What? Based on all of this evidence, the only thing that I can gather is you've been stalking my client.
Oh, come on.
Stalking? We have grounds for a restraining order, which if Chet gives the word, I'm prepared to file today.
We've had unholy thoughts but we've never acted on them.
Faith, why did you come on TV if you were so confused about this stuff? I don't know.
I thought I would go off to Hollywood, and there would be this prince, and he'd be rich.
And then everything everything would be fixed.
Yeah, listen, you don't need any fixing.
There is just a whole world of people that are just waiting to love you, and Amy, for who you both are.
God's gonna strike me down for loving a woman.
My family is gonna disown me, and my church would kick me out.
They'd have to.
Okay, well, I have an idea, Faith.
I have an idea.
What if you just what if you just said it out loud one time? You know, see if God strikes you down.
Huh? I can't do that, Rachel.
I can't do that.
Oh, come on.
How does it feel having all of this bottled up all the time? Just say it out loud.
One time.
Hey, Faith, you all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry about all that kissy kissy stuff earlier.
Oh.
That's perfectly all right.
Don't worry.
Yeah.
Adam, I got to tell you something.
Sure.
Actually I'm not attracted to you.
Are you attracted to someone else? Yes.
To one person, actually.
To my friend.
Amy.
Mmm.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh.
Oh, hey, you.
Oh, hey, Quinn, can I talk to you about the video invites? Where is Rachel? Mississippi, remember? Quinn, what's wrong? Chet's screwing me.
Sorry, Quinn, but I kind of feel like everybody knows that.
No, no, no.
I mean he's trying to say that I stalked him.
Why the hell would he say that? Because I'm suing him.
What are you suing him for? Because I created this.
Everlasting.
You did? Yep.
Yeah, it was my idea.
It's my idea.
All mine! Ow.
Ha, ha.
They are throwing my case out.
Listen, why are you taking this so literally? You're the best producer in the industry.
You could make a perfectly happy person jump off a bridge.
Thank you.
So, screw the lawyers.
Produce Chet.
Make him jump off a bridge.
Legally, I mean.
Damn it.
You are right.
What, wait What did you want? I mean, before.
Oh, it's nothing.
Look, it's Mary.
I tried.
I really got in there, but I think Oh, Mary.
No, I'll do it.
I'll go talk to her.
I'll go do it.
I'll go talk to her.
No, no, no, Quinn.
That's not what I wanted It's okay.
We're good.
Good talk.
Hey.
Hi.
I I need you to pull out that coming out bit and put Rach, Rach, I can't.
Why? The new post supervisor is crazy OCD.
Yeah, but I promised Faith that we wouldn't air it unless she was ready.
Rach, you got to ask me before you do stuff like that.
All right, I could have dropped a new card in.
You could have shot whatever the hell you wanted.
Okay, okay.
What are we gonna do? What can we do? There's nothing to do, Rach.
You got to call someone at home.
You got to get them to intercept it and log it and then hide it.
Okay.
Copy that.
Well, hey, y'all.
How is Mississippi? Hey, do you remember coming out to your parents? Ugh.
Oh, God.
Why did you remind me? Yeah, I need you to do something for me.
Mary? Hi.
I'm Quinn.
We've never officially met, but I'm the executive producer of this show.
Did I do something wrong? I just have a question for you.
Oh, okay.
Why are you here? What? I mean, why did you decide to do this show? Oh.
To start over, to put myself out there and broaden my horizons.
And you feel like you're doing that? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, this is definitely out of my comfort zone.
It shows.
Come on.
Sit down with me.
It just makes me so sad, because I can see that something or someone scared the crap out of you.
Made you scared of your own power.
Did someone scare you, Mary? Maybe.
Then nail them to the cross and burn it down.
Okay? Because let me tell you something one grown-ass woman to another you do not want to find yourself another eight years down the road, having never been honest about what you really want.
So Either ball up and give a shit, or pack your bags right now.
Take care.
I mean, honestly, you guys, screw my friends at Vassar working at PBS.
Faith's coming out could be seen by 15 million people.
That changes lives.
I mean, that's the reason why I wanted to get into TV in the first place.
I mean, it's a huge, huge platform.
I suppose I wouldn't mind if this crazy chapter in my life did something good for the human race.
I mean, right? - Right? - You guys.
Yeah.
Hi.
Okay.
I've been praying on it.
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I'm in love with Amy.
I want to quit the show.
Wow, Faith.
That, well, have you talked to Amy yet? Yeah.
She's praying on it, too.
There's a there's a lot to pray on.
God's grace is in me, Rachel.
I can feel it.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
It's just giving me God bumps all over me.
Look at my arm! I want to do it again tomorrow.
At the church dance.
I want to testify.
Okay, Faith, no, listen, that's a huge step.
My congregation needs to know that God cherishes all his children.
Yes, of course, of course.
But have you talked to your gran yet? Rachel, look, if Gran can see that one person you or you guys, can accept me, if she can see that I can have friends and I can have love, it's gonna soften the blow.
Don't you think? All right, all right.
Let's just let's just kick this hillbilly town's ass into the new millennium! Should we do it? Yeah! This is what I'm talking about! I mean, I'll see if I can find some extra, you know, bonus money for you and Amy so you guys can move someplace a little bit more accepting.
What? No, I'm not moving.
This is my home.
This is where I live.
I'm gonna stay here and make them all believe.
I just want to see her married before I die.
Don't you think that Adam is a nice young boy? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
He's a great guy.
"Real mensch," as my mother would say.
Hey, Gran? Would you excuse us for just a minute? Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Oh.
I'll be right back.
Thanks.
One sec.
What's up, sweetie? I don't know what you did to get Faith's head all screwed up, but she is not in her right mind.
Listen, Amy, did she tell you Yeah.
She told me.
She might be ready, but I'm not.
I'm a Sunday School teacher.
I know.
I know.
But Amy, I promise you I promise you the world has really changed.
Yeah, in Hollywood.
You know what they do to gay people around here? Does Matthew Shepard ring a bell? Ah.
Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for being here.
It's been so great to see all y'all, remembering all the love and support that you've given me all my life.
We love you, Faith! I love you, too! There is there's something I I got to tell y'all, that might change that.
It shouldn't.
Hell, nothing should, right? Right! And, okay, the thing is this is just about who has my heart.
Truth is there's someone here that I love Just go up there.
Aw.
More than anyone in the world.
Oh, God.
And I am so sorry for interrupting, Faith, but I think I know where you're going with this.
So, I have a question for you.
Oh.
Faith Faith, will you continue this journey with me for another week? Yes, I will.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It's Jay.
Leave a message.
Jay, I need you to kill the footage.
I mean, bury it, burn it, physically destroy it, and I'm not kidding.
Okay? I'll take the heat.
What are we gonna tell Quinn? We don't have a story.
I'll figure it out.
Standby for Mary's video invite.
Take one.
Are these gonna be big enough for you? Throw away the cue cards.
I've got a new script.
Great.
Cheers.
No, thank you.
All right, people, Mary's video invite, take one.
Here we go.
Okay, so, what do you need to sell this? I'm thinking like a silhouette in the window of the two of you taking your clothes off, and then just, you know, making some noises.
Like , you know.
Yeah, okay.
That's it.
Okay.
That's all I'm thinking.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you okay with this? Yeah, yeah.
I guess.
It's you know, finish the show, give Gran a thrill.
Okay.
I mean, you're asking about all of it? I'm good with you.
You just got to give me some time, okay? Okay.
Ready? Oh, my gosh.
Hey.
Hi.
There you go.
Mm, no, thanks.
What? Not drinking, and you did a totally selfless act today? Don't worry.
I won't tell Quinn, I promise.
Covering it up feels weird.
Not as weird as outing someone who's not ready yet, Rach.
No, if you think that I wanted this just for the show I don't.
No, no, no.
Hey, no, no, no.
I think you did something good for Faith, and she's gonna thank you for it one day.
I promise.
That's great.
Rach, I got to ask you.
Yeah.
What happened while you were gone? Where'd you disappear to? I don't I I don't want some Rachel story.
I want the truth.
Well, I was in jail.
The whole time? Come on, Rach.
I was in my sweatpants under the covers watching bad TV and eating ice cream.
Which wait a second.
I had it delivered.
Ah.
Okay, I didn't I didn't leave the house.
Not at all? No, no, no.
Mnh-mnh.
Depressed? Yeah, I could barely move.
Why didn't you call me, Rach? Because depressed people don't call.
Not depressed people when they're depressed.
Was all of this because of Mexico? I was that bad? No.
Come on.
God, no.
I just uh, God.
I don't really do well, you know, with happiness.
It's it's very unfamiliar.
It's It's terrifying, actually.
Why'd you come back? Honestly? I wanted to see you.
Ah.
I can't.
Why? Why? Why? Because I know how things start with you.
And I know how they end.
I can't do it, Rach.
What the hell am I doing here? My client has one last piece of evidence she'd like to present.
I have advised her not to, but she is incredibly stubborn.
This is evidence? Leave.
Chet, you sure? You pay me $ 700 an hour to make sure you don't think with your dick.
Get out.
You too.
You kept that? Yes, you asshole.
Why? Because it's the only time you ever said "I love you.
" I'm sorry about that, kiddo.
I really am.
I'm agreeing to her original terms.
Forty percent ownership of Everlasting in perpetuity.
The show was your idea.
I'll give you a minute.
Adam, you have one video invitation left.
Are you ready? Well, Adam, up until this morning, I thought I'd be going home this week.
I want to explain why I haven't been completely honest about myself.
How can you pick me if you don't know who I am? So, I was in an abusive marriage.
I know I don't look the part.
Neither did he, but behind closed doors it was it was brutal.
When he broke my daughter, Lily Belle's, arm, of course he threatened to kill me if I told.
And he meant it.
But I told.
I told the police.
I told my family.
I would do anything to protect my baby.
I guess I I just want you to know that's the kind of woman I am.
So, send me home so I can be with my sweet girl or pick me so you can meet her.
I trust that you'll do that.
Mary, your story moved and impressed me.
I'd love to meet your daughter.
Rach? Hmm? You know how Chet gets really pushy sometimes? Mm-hmm.
He said we didn't have any drama in this ep, and What? He read the damn logs from the Faith trip.
What was I supposed to do? This is just about who has my heart.
That's it right there.
See? Chet, hey.
Hey, weirdo.
Hi.
And what's the prince doing here? We just wanted We just we wanted to talk to you about the footage.
Oh, I know.
All that hillbilly lesbo stuff is great, isn't it? And thanks to Jay for spotting that.
Chet I mean I'm sorry.
Excuse me, did Jay brought it to you, huh? Yeah.
I told him we needed a water cooler moment next week for renewal and this is so weird.
It's good, and it's weird.
Hey, go back cut back to that shot of her with the crucifix.
Yeah.
And go.
Next week on Everlasting, one of the ladies will put Yeah, Chet, I know that the footage is really good.
What happened? I thought she was gonna come out at the church dance.
That would have been so boo-yah.
Gay is so actually, it's like two years ago, and transgender is now.
God, he's a populist genius, isn't he? You know what? We actually stopped the story because there was a much better story here, a much bigger story.
Oh, yeah? What? She lost it to Adam.
Yeah.
Come on.
She's a lesbo, lezzie, lezzie, lesbo, les.
Chet, you just can't All those fake sex noises.
Sorry, guv'ner, she doesn't fancy your bangers and mash.
Became clear while we were shooting that outing her would ruin her life, so Well, she signed up for it.
They all sign up for it, so You can't use this footage.
I'm sorry, what did you just say? You can't use the footage.
Okay, I made a verbal agreement with her.
You can't use it.
Well, that's a little like the maid saying that she owns the silver because she polished it.
You don't have the right to make an agreement like that.
You know why? Because I own every inch of footage and every single camera on this show.
You're day labor.
You got it? Well, I'm just gonna chain myself to the bulldozer, then, okay? I own the bulldozer.
I own the chains.
So, why don't you grow up, huh? Hey, Chet, can I steal you for a quick minute? Honestly, look, I'm with you on this one.
But I do look, I've got something that you might you might enjoy even more.
Look, I'm sorry, okay, but she's got to come out sometime.
So, what, it's up to you to decide when? You know, Perez stopped doing that recently.
Rach, our show's like a mirror, okay? It helps people face the truth.
Did you just quote Dr.
Wagerstein to me? Oh, my God.
How did it feel when that that ball of crap fell out of your mouth? I mean, it feel good? Chet said he would hook me up if I found something big.
And so, what, you fell for it? I've got to find my way out of here somehow.
I just want to remind you that there used to be at least, like, a few things that you wouldn't do.
Yeah, you too.
Yeah, but we're not talking about me.
We're talking about people we can still save.
Hey, Goldberg, where the hell you been? Come on.
Let's go.
Get in here.
Hollywood Tonight's airing next week's promo.
I'm good.
I don't want in.
Come on.
I think you're gonna want to see this one.
Come on.
"Hollywood Tonight's" exclusive scoop on the Everlasting suitor's sex tape.
This newly leaked tape shows Adam Cromwell shagging the sister of a royal someone.
I want to get ahead of it.
And I want to reassure the women I'm currently courting I am serious about putting my past behind me and about finding true love.
I wonder why Adam gave this straight to Chet.
Hey.
Staying strong? Heard you did well on the road.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
So good.
Hi.
Hi.
So, they said everything is on this, but I will double check, yeah.
Thank you.
Really.
Seriously.
No, don't don't mention it.
Faith's great for ratings, and Fly-over states are gonna love me, so Pippa? I have to.
I have to ask.
Pippa? Yeah, well, it's it's a lot of my face and a lot of very blurry bits that might not actually be Pippa.
But tell the story once and they latch on.
Look at you, Cromwell, getting the hang of it.
Very impressed.
Hmm.
Well, Faith is your baby bird to protect now.
Oh, you think? Well, I would say that she's our baby bird.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Can I ask you a weird question? Yeah.
Are we friends? Hadn't really thought about it.
Yes? I guess we are.
Look, I don't know how in the hell this just happened, but in this exact moment you're my only friend.
Let's not break it.
Breaking is really fun.
Yeah, but for, like, the first 20 minutes, you know.
Come on, listen.
You you should get some rest.
You've got kids flying in tomorrow.
Sounds like so much fun.
I I Where are you gonna be in a year? I'm gonna be writing my novel.
Where are you gonna be? I'll just be married to you.
Oh, really? You don't say.
Mama's still got it.
Bitches beware.
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