Vice Principals (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 (snoring) - (metal music playing) - Jackie: Fuck yeah! I love pain, I live to fight - Homicide is what I like - (groans) - Full of anger and filled with hate - Dude, turn it up! Lee.
- Lee! - What? I'm sleeping.
Jackie's working out again.
Well, put in the earplugs I got you.
I did.
They keep falling out.
Please, Lee? It's so loud.
Can you go over there? I was just having the most incredible dream.
I can't believe this.
You can't fucking put in fucking earplugs.
Fuck yes! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! (grunts) Hey, Jackie! Uh, fellas? Jackie: What's up, Lee? How's the, uh, the workout going? Ah, it's leg day.
Not my favorite thing to do, but still gotta do it, right? Oh, absolutely.
You have to do it, right? - (chuckles) So hey, uh - What's happening? I I think maybe we've talked about this, but, um, uh, when When you boys are out here doing your thing, do you mind keeping the garage doors closed? My wife, she gets all weird about getting eight hours of sleep.
Me, I can snore through anything.
To tell you the truth, I I kinda gotta leave it open, man.
Keeps the air fresh in here, you know? Oh, I bet it gets real ripe in there, all y'all big boys just sweatin' everywhere.
- (chuckles) - But, uh well, maybe y'all can take it inside then.
- Enjoy the air-conditioning.
- Lee I think I can do what I want in my own garage, can't I? (chuckles) Well, of course, Jackie.
I'm I'm not saying it's Okay, if you want to get technical right now, you're trespassing.
(laughs) I'm fucking with you, man.
Man, chill.
You were scared, you were scared.
- I was just I didn't get scared.
- Yes, you were.
- Yes.
Yes, you were.
- Come here! No, I wasn't scared.
Aah! - That's a little bitch.
- Yeah, boy! - We got a live one here tonight, boys! - Please, please, guys.
- (yelling in Korean) - I can't breathe! Jackie.
Please, Jackie, I can't breathe.
- Whoa! Damn! - I can't breathe! You just tried to touch my dick! - No, I didn't! - Yes, you did.
No.
You tried to jerk me off.
Why would I try to touch your dick, Jackie? I've got my own dick.
- I didn't try to touch your - Whatever you say, princess.
- (Mi-Cha continues yelling) - Hey, Chinks! - How you doin' over there? - (yells) Okay, you've been here too long.
(mocking accent) You go now.
You go now.
Prease, go.
Night-night.
(music plays louder) Jackie: Yeah, boy! Welcome to hell, Lee! Fuck yeah! (theme music playing) Gamby: Let's keep the line moving, guys.
Come on.
Get your macaroni and cheeses.
Get your cutlery and let's keep the line flowing.
Good work.
Dayshawn: What's up, Mr.
Gamby? What'd you get up to this weekend? Hey, it was nice talking to you, Mr.
Gamby.
Miss Snodgrass.
- Oh, hey.
- You should grab a tray and follow me.
- We're gonna skip the line.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah.
There's gonna be a fire drill.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
We're not supposed to say it's a drill, but it is a drill.
I just didn't want you to be scared is all.
Oh.
Thanks, uh, for looking out for me.
Oh, I know you'd do the same for me.
Hold the line, everyone.
It's a faculty member.
Back up, back up.
Dayshawn, I think she'd like a warm, hot meal.
- Okay.
- Uh, thanks, Dayshawn.
Yeah.
- Sure.
- You got it.
(fire alarm rings) Gamby: Use all doors, all doors.
Keep moving.
The school is on fire! Slow children burn, smart kids learn! Find your class, find your teacher, get your ass in line! Move, move, move! - Gamby: Come on, you guys! - Like your life depended on it! - Come on, guys! - Why'd you bring your book bag? You're not leaving school.
Go! Get in line, goddamn it.
Zip the lips! Straighten the lines right now! In a real fire, or if a terrorist organization had infiltrated us, we need to be able to identify who's missing, who's possibly burnt, and dead inside the school.
All right.
12 minutes, 46 seconds.
I know that seems like a long time, but it's actually pretty good for November.
You know what? I'm very impressed with the organization, but we should still be Hold up for a second.
Demetrius Todd! Demetrius! Phone down now.
If this were an emergency, how do you expect to hear what I'm saying if you're yip-yapping on the phone? - My mom's calling.
- I don't care if it's the queen of England.
All right? Put the phone down right now.
Don't you snarl at me.
I will smash that phone.
One week detention for that phone, one week's detention for snarling at me.
Fix the face.
Fix the face right now.
Do you hear me? Marcus Byrd, what's so funny? Buy a belt and pull your pants up.
You look like a flippin' circus clown! Yeah.
Mr.
Gamby, how many students would you say you suspended last year? In school or all the way? 51 students.
See, you didn't let me guess.
I was gonna probably say 45.
183 detentions and four expulsions? These numbers are pretty high.
Well, yeah, that might be a little higher than usual.
We had a pretty mouthy senior class last year.
Do you feel that you get positive results with your method? I mean, do the kids turn it around when they come back from suspension? I mean, the smart ones that have sense do.
You know, then there's some that just have darkness in their heart and will never learn.
Mr.
Gamby, we're gonna try something brand-new.
Flip the script, as it were.
From now on, zero suspensions, zero detentions, and for damn sure, zero expulsions.
(snorts) All right.
Well, that's pretty much all the tools that there are to discipline people, so kids are gonna run wild.
Sounds like a great idea.
We're gonna try a method called restorative justice.
Instead of trying to punish bad behavior, we're gonna bring the offenders together, give them a non-judgmental space called The Circle Room.
- Miss Swift? - Yes? Can you look into the price of (loud thwack) Why don't you look into the pricing - for some beanbag chairs, - Okay.
A boom box, and - Ooh! A popcorn machine! - Ooh! - Swift: Okay! - I can't even tell if you're being serious right now.
Beanbags and a popcorn machine? Relax, Mr.
Gamby.
This is gonna be nice for you, too.
You won't have to walk around here - yelling at everybody.
- (chortles) Don't laugh, Swift.
It's not funny.
She can laugh at whatever she wants to laugh at, Mr.
Gamby.
Well, her face is disrespectful Put your eyebrows down and calm down.
Thank you.
- That's what I - (loud snap) Are you threatening her? Nope.
This pencil broke.
Gamby: This goddamn woman.
How dare her try to make me feel like I gotta be self-conscious about my fucking record.
I was looking at her and I'm thinking, "You know what Lee Russell would do right now? I bet you money Lee Russell would just haul back and just smack the fuck out of her face.
" And you know what? - I almost did it.
- Are you serious right now? I couldn't believe it either.
- Done with her shit.
- You're complaining about Belinda Brown being mean to you.
(scoffs) Yeah.
I'm just so sick of it.
Ow! Russell, what the You did this, you fucking piece of shit! We had her dead to rights, on the fucking ropes, and you just pussied out! We should've taken her out when we had the chance, and now we're worse off than when we started, Gamby.
Where's my fucking cigarette? Well, I think that that's an unfair assessment of the situation.
If you ask me, I, you know, it's it's been mild success.
You know, I have I have a lot of dark shit going on in my life right now, Gamby, and I could really use a And you don't even fucking care! Yes, I do, Russell.
- We're partners.
- No, we're not.
We're not partners.
Fuck this partnership.
I'm gonna get me a new partner.
Someone who will actually help me get things done.
Someone who's not a fucking little pussy! - A fucking little pussy? - A hairy, - mustached pussy! - That's what you think I am? I burned her whole goddamn house down.
No, you didn't! I set that fire and you ran! You're just a A fat-ass, narcissistic, selfish fucking oaf is what you are - with a stupid fucking haircut and ears! - Stop! That's enough! - Don't touch me! - Don't you just sit there and insult me! I'm sick and tired of you always railing on me.
You know, there's shit about you that I think is disgusting! - Oh? - Your whiny voice.
You're just like a little hysterical bitch all the time! You know what? You got such problems with me? Well, fuck you.
I'm done with you.
- Oh, it's done.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it is done! - Well, it's done.
- It wasn't a fucking question.
- It was rhetorical.
I'm done with you up to here! Right up to here! It's over! Fuck this! - It's done! - Yeah, because I said it's done! I'm the one who said it was done! I said it was done first.
You just repeat everything I say, you little fucking mockingbird.
Oh, okay, I'll say something you haven't said.
I hope you die, bitch! You're already dead.
You're already fucking dead.
No, I'm not! You're just saying that.
I'm the one who's alive 'cause I'm standing here.
You're dead 'cause you're walking away.
Fuck you! You're dead! I'll see you in fucking hell someday! Keep walking, sassy-pants! (scoffs) Fine, Russell! Leave! You bitch! You dumb bitch! Russell, do you have your your walkie on? Come back.
Russell, come back, man.
Look, we can just Let's just talk about it real quick.
Maybe things got out of hand there for a second.
(dramatic music plays on television) (woman speaking Korean) (man singing in Korean) (Mi-Cha gasps) (metal music playing) It's Jackie again.
When is it my time, Christine? When do I just get to relax? (Mi-Cha speaking Korean) Please - Mi-Cha, Mi-Cha, let other people talk.
- Boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom! Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! Boom, boom, boom, boom! - Tick, tick! - All right, I'm fed up.
I'm fed up! I warned him.
You step to me, this is what you get! Yes, this is Lee Russell, and I would like to report a disturbance.
No, not in my house.
- Next door.
- (phone chatter) - (police radio chatter) - (chuckles) Russell: Who's got the muscles now, dick-head? I do.
That's who.
You don't want to tussle with Lee Russell 'Cause I have the muscle Busted I'm busted by Lee Russell I'm busted Busted by Lee Russell Who put the po-po in your ho' ho'? Lee Russell, that's who You're busted You're busted You're busted by Lee Russell And you're busted Put that in your fucking boom box and play it.
(chuckles) - Oh! - (clattering) (exhales) (school bell chimes) Aaron Jeffries, you better be glad that Travis Knight is still alive.
If you would have clipped him in the right part of the temple, you know, that would have been murder one.
And you are being tried as an adult.
So now, this belongs to me.
An infraction like this would definitely make sure you don't get into college.
But I don't imagine you're going to college anyway.
You're a goddamn idiot just like your brother was.
It's the truth.
You and your brother are the two dumbest bucktoothed cousin fuckers I've ever met.
Understand? Good.
Circles is done.
Okay, that's not exactly how we're gonna do things here, so let's back it up.
Now, why don't you begin the discussion in a polite manner? What, just, like, do it for fake? Talk to them with some respect, like equals.
You set the tone here.
Now, why don't you ask Aaron what Travis said that made him so upset? Fine.
Go.
He asked me how his dick tastes.
Okay.
Uh, why was it important for you to know that information? Because I used to date Megan, and now he dates Megan, So I was like, "How does my dick taste?" I'm just not really sure what we're trying to figure out here.
I mean, is this what Circles is supposed to be like? We sit around on beanbags and discuss the flavor of young boys' penises? Belinda: Perhaps.
This is the beginning.
You guys were being honest.
Now, why don't you ask Travis if he's hurt that Aaron is now seeing Megan? Are you hurt because they're boyfriends and girlfriends? (scoffs) Shit.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I think it's time for some popcorn.
(Russell and Seychelles talking) - Russell: You guys do shampoo? - Man: Yeah.
- I would be the perfect Warren Beatty.
- Oh, you Yeah, you could! You could do that.
- Oh, hi, Gamby.
- Hi, Neil.
Didn't see you around much today, Russell.
Well, I've been here.
Not really sure what you've been doing.
We're about to go get haircuts.
- Haircuts.
- Yeah.
Seychelles knows a barber who's very gifted.
He does the whole thing with scissors.
Never uses clippers at any time.
At any time.
Big deal.
I have a barber who does the same thing.
Huh.
You got You got a nice haircut.
Everything all right, Gamby? Everything's great.
- You didn't wait long, did ya? - Well, I'm not really sure - what you're talking about.
- Do whatever you want.
It's fine.
I don't care.
Interesting choice though.
Don't you have anything better to do than just stand around just bothering people all the time, like a gnat? Just a (buzzes) flying around, everywhere.
- (buzzing) - Stop.
Get out of here.
I have plenty to do.
I'm about to achieve my goals, but you have fun with the Fine Arts department - over here.
- Oh, I I will.
- Good.
I hope you do.
- Oh, I am.
- Then do it.
I don't care.
- Oh, I will.
Great.
Fantastic.
Never see you again.
Never talk to you ever again in my life.
Fine.
What is going on right now? Nothin'.
He's just being a freak.
Come on, Seychelles.
- You're being a little freak.
- You are.
You are being a freak.
- Out of the corner of my eye.
You do.
- A little bit? - Perfect.
- I've slept with almost - as much women as he has.
- Oh, yeah? (speaking Korean) - Oh, Mexico.
- Oh.
Oh, taco.
- (both speaking Korean) - Howdy, neighbor.
Oh, Jackie.
Hello.
Herro, Mi-Cha.
Saw you guys walk in when I drove by.
Thought this might be - a good chance for us to chat.
- About what? Oh, Lee told me you haven't been sleeping so well lately.
Yeah, only when you guys go really late.
Usually it's not that bad.
Well, I guess you're just not used to the noises that men make when they're strengthening their bodies now, are ya? (yelling) Okay, speak English! None of that "bing-ba" bullshit.
- I don't wanna fucking hear it.
- Okay, Jackie, I don't really have time to chat right now.
Some neighborly advice.
Don't call the cops on me again.
I hate cops.
Okay, we have to go.
Oh, one more thing.
You should try smiling more.
It'd make your face look a lot better.
Just sayin'.
Well, I'm sure you're blowing it out of proportion.
It's a small town.
Who cares? You were both in a grocery store.
It's not like he followed you in there.
He said he saw me in the parking lot and followed me in.
Did you get a new haircut? Yes.
I did.
With a friend.
Who cares? Why don't you concentrate on what you're all fucked up about and ruining my evening with? God.
He's mad that you called the police.
I don't know what he's gonna do, Lee.
Mi-Cha's upset.
You should go over there and apologize.
(dishes clatter) I literally just walked in the door, Christine.
My feet are killing me.
Fine.
Fine! Fucking bitch.
(Jackie grunts) - (weights clank) - Jackie: Fuck yeah! Jackie! Hey, you, uh, you got a sec? What? Jackie, I I just I want to clear the air here.
I I didn't mean to piss you off about the whole noise business.
It was it was just a suggestion.
And and I understand that the The cops came out here or something the other night.
Well, Jackie, I I didn't have anything to do with that.
But here's the thing.
Christine said that you were being a little aggressive with her at the store today.
I know.
I'm married to her.
I Trust me, I know she tends to exaggerate.
You are a real piece of work with your complaints, you know that? You think I like living next door to you three? Just the other day, I caught your mother-in-law digging through my trash can like a fucking refugee.
Your wife's cooking, the smell of that Dink cuisine that comes into my yard every other night! Okay, okay.
That's enough with that talk.
- Let's leave my wife out of this.
- Your wife.
(chuckles) Wow.
That's a laugh.
Tell me, what skin magazine did you order her from? I said that's enough.
Stay off my property, Lee.
I won't warn you again.
Go home.
(grunts) I warned you.
But you had to test me.
Night-night, termite.
Gamby.
You okay? You seem tense.
Wound up.
No, I'm chill.
Just looking forward to going into school and not punishing kids for a whole entire day.
Oh, you can't be coming up in the school with all this negative energy, Gamby.
I don't know what you're talking about, negative energy.
- I don't have any negative energy.
- Okay, you know a trick I used to use when I was feeling overwhelmed and cranky? I would park in the furthest spot in the lot, and on that long walk back, I would ease my mind and adjust my attitude.
Well, that sounds like a really cool technique.
I'll remember that next time.
I want you to give it a shot.
You want me to park at the end of the parking lot? I want you to adjust your attitude.
(car door closes) See? How's that? Fine.
Great.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Where did you get that scarf? In a catalog.
- In a catalog.
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause they don't have that kind of - thing right here, do they? - Oh, no.
(scoffs) Look at those stupid haircuts.
Russell's makes his face look all fat and bloated.
And Seychelles, a lump on a log.
Yeah, it is a fucked up haircut.
- Hey, are you all right, Mr.
Gamby? - I'm fine.
I just think it's hilarious how many people in this school aren't fine.
(both laughing) (scoffs) Let me ask you a question, man, - and be honest with me, all right? - Yeah, okay.
Go for it.
Are you fucking Mr.
Russell? Am I what-ing Mr.
Russell? I'm not here to judge you about having gay sex, man.
I'm just saying, you make a cute fucking couple.
Plus y'all go off in the woods together all the damn time.
First of all, I am not G, Dayshawn.
Second of all, I never go off into the goddamn woods.
Everyone knows that about me.
I saw you take your happy ass off in them woods yesterday.
Okay, well, fine.
I went into the woods yesterday.
- I forgot about that.
That was the only time I've been.
- See? And Russell wasn't there.
I was out there by myself.
Well, no wonder you're sad, man.
You're just heartbroken.
Mind your own fucking business, Dayshawn.
Get the trash and get out of here right now.
Stop accusing me of fucking men in the woods.
Hang in there, Mr.
Gamby.
You're an idiot, Dayshawn.
I'd never fuck that man.
- (whistle blows) - Seychelles: What a macho jerk.
Why don't you just call the cops? I've already tried! They can't do shit.
Honestly, I'm thinking about just getting a fucking gun and shooting him.
Go down to ISS, throw a quarter at any one of those degenerates, get them to do it.
- Whoa, Lee.
- Well, I'm not for real.
Jesus.
It just sucks, Martin.
I mean, what would you do if your big, muscular neighbor was harassing you? Muscles? Does does he look like a bodybuilder? Well, not like big, bulging muscles.
I mean, don't get me wrong, he's strong.
He works out a lot and he looks good in a tank top.
Okay, so like big, country muscles.
Sort of like an old-school wrestler build? Well, I guess.
I mean, I wouldn't call him ripped or anything.
He's just beefy.
You know, he doesn't have a whole lot of definition.
Okay.
Seems like he's got farm strength.
What's going on in his tricep area? - See any raised triceps in the upper arm area? - Jesus, Martin.
Enough with the fucking muscles.
You're getting hung up on the wrong details.
Well, you're one who brought up muscle in the first place! Now don't be turning this back around on me.
Stop being a cunt.
- Excuse me? - What's up? What did you just call me? I didn't Did I say something? - C-word.
- I didn't say anything.
- C-word.
- You're We just need to keep walking and burn some calories.
Come on.
There is nothing that disgusts me more than a female who cheats.
It can be on a husband or on a math test.
It's all equally disgusting to me.
I want each of you to tell me where you think you're gonna be in five years and how cheating on this math test is gonna help you get there.
Tracy Parks, we'll start with you.
I don't know.
Look, you don't have to know.
Just make a goddamn guess.
Make something up, okay? Can I get some more popcorn? You want some more popcorn? Girls, more popcorn? Are you hungry? Yeah? Great.
I'll go get it for you.
More popcorn from the popcorn machine.
How about this? How about this? Fucking popcorn.
You want some popcorn? There's more for you.
There's some for you.
Take all the fucking popcorn you want to eat! Popcorn! You think there's popcorn and beanbags in the real world? There's not.
The real world is full of meanness and shit! And you girls are just gonna grow up to add to it.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
(sighs) I just got my own things going on in my life.
Doesn't have anything to do with you guys.
Are you okay, Mr.
Gamby? I'm just feeling depressed, feeling remorse, feeling some hopelessness.
Thank you, Beth.
I was just working on a project with a business associate of mine.
And I thought we were working on some pretty important stuff.
Then he pussied out and bailed on me.
Now I'm left to do the project all by myself.
And it's hard.
It's hard to do it alone.
I just keep getting beat down and now the whole entire school is crumbling.
Why did your associate leave? Well, he said that I was messing up the business partnership because I was being selfish and I didn't have his back.
Well, did you? I mean, to be honest, yes, I did have certain questions about his tactics and ideas, but, I mean, come on, were both professionals.
I mean, we're obviously going to have different approaches to things.
Maybe you should just try to talk to him.
Explain how you feel.
I'd like to, but this man in question is very mean-spirited.
But you'll never know unless you try.
Did you just make that up? Tracy: I guess.
It just kind of came to me.
It's pretty good.
You should sign up for Creative Writing.
I'll be right back.
Miss Swift, where's Russell? I haven't seen him.
Russell: Jackie! Yeah, that's right, motherfucker! I'm on your property now! You disrespect me, you disrespect my wife, and I told you before to keep this fucking down! Keep it down! (grunts) Just keep it down! Down! Keep it (distorted) down! Now, enough is enough.
Now, I don't want to I don't want to have to hurt you - (groans) - Are you fucking serious right now, - you little bitch? - (groans) I told you to stay off my property! I'm in my rights! (groans, coughs) Gamby: Hey! Hey! That's enough right there! Step away from Mr.
Russell.
Leave him alone right now.
Gamby? Who the fuck are you? His boyfriend? No, his regular friend.
If you keep kicking him, then you and I are gonna have to talk it out.
(groans) What are you gonna talk to me about, motherfucker? My feelings.
Russell.
Holy shit.
Gamby.
(grunts) You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
I owe you an apology.
Maybe I haven't been the best business partner.
Business partner? You know, partner in the partnership.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I'm willing to try harder.
It's just been a really long time since I've been in a partnership of any nature with anybody, and I've forgotten how to do it.
I I don't want to take Belinda Brown down by myself.
I don't even think I could.
To be honest, Gamby.
I had all my own shit going on over here, and it's just been fucking me all up.
I lashed out at you, and I'm sorry.
What about Seychelles? Oh, please.
Fuck that fucking fruitcake.
Fuck that whole Fine Arts department.
- Fuck the Fine Arts department.
- (chuckles) Partnership back on? Re-engaged.
Hey, man, those brass knuckles were the real deal.
- Did you confiscate them? - Yep.
Aaron Jeffries, sophomore.
Can I see 'em? - (door opens) - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Lee! What is going on? What do you think's going on? - I fucking handled shit.
- Did you do this? Yes, baby, I did.
(Mi-Cha speaking in Korean) (speaks Korean) Yeah.
Mi-Cha, watch this.
- Ooh.
- Sleep, motherfucker! (brass knuckles clatter) Whew! Gamby: Good job, Russell!