Vikingane (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Yes, we'll soon be back in Norheim, folks.
Let's have a cheer for that!
Hooray!
First of all, I have to say that I feel
we've developed a very special bond.
All of us here. Together.
So, uh
That's quite nice, isn't it, folks?
Some of you may have noticed that
we sailed towards the West this time.
And Jarl Varg,
he doesn't need to find that out.
So if anyone asks,
just say East, OK?
Excuse me.
You mean lie?
Because it's really stressful
to be caught in a web of lies.
Yes.
Sure, but
Does anyone here know
what a blood eagle is?
A blood eagle is when
your spine column is exposed
and your ribs are severed
from the spine and pulled out
to resemble wings.
And then your lungs
are pulled out of your body.
So anyone who says anything to anyone
about traveling to the West,
gets a blood eagle.
Just so you know it.
Is it OK if I tell my brother?
In strict confidence, of course.
- No you can't tell your brother.
- Could I tell my cousin?
If he promises not to say anything?
He's really good at keeping secrets.
No, you can't tell your cousin,
either. Any other questions?
Ship!
There's the ship!
Ship!
They're coming!
Look at you!
Are you trying out some new costume?
You're shaking.
Is everything OK?
Everything is OK.
Everything is according to plan.
Look at this.
Treasures.
Gold.
Coins.
I've led the most successful raid
in the history of this village.
That's not bad.
I made it pretty clear
that we needed metal
to complete the installation.
Haven't you
couldn't you steal any metal?
There's some silver cups and some cutlery.
But no metal.
Metal, metal, metal.
Where can I find lots of metal?
Good folks, as you all may know,
this was our very, very last raid.
We're now going to become
a cultural capital.
But in order to make that happen,
I order each of all of you
to place your swords, and your helmets
and your chainmails and your
axes in that carriage over here.
This is the Viking Age. Armed conflict
is kind of part of the game here.
What if someone attacks us?
Your reactionary attitude
is hilarious, Arvid.
Who in their right mind would attack
a village that is organizing
the country's best
and only summer play?
- And building an installation?
- Come on, Arvid!
So into the carriage with the weapons.
All the weapons
are being melted into art.
Good, good.
Not so hard.
Thank you.
Very well.
- This is good!
- One ax, one sword, makes art.
Now we're talking!
Allow me to propose a first toast.
To the most successful raid ever.
And to Rufus, who has done
a phenomenal job while we were gone.
- Skål!
- Skål!
So, are you also excited
about the installation and the play?
Yeah.
I'm sure it will be a real upgrade.
It's crazy.
We have no weapons.
- We've never been so unsafe.
- You should be the chieftain, you know.
Orm is totally useless,
especially as a chieftain.
Are we having fun?
What are we talking about?
Nothing special. We were
just reminiscing about the raid
and all that.
- Really? That's all?
- Yeah.
Strange.
I thought I heard you mention me.
- No way. We weren't talking about you.
- No?
So how are things going
with the disarmament?
We have collected everything
and delivered to the blacksmith.
Good. Good.
Well done. Well done.
No, no, no.
I know a man's perineum
is forbidden fruit,
but that's what makes it
so exciting!
Well, if it isn't Jarl Varg's men!
Welcome.
Welcome to my humble abode.
As I call it.
Don't just stand there. Get some mead
and meat for our honorable guests.
What's the occasion for this feast?
I don't think it's a feast.
It's more like a gathering.
We're celebrating our return
from the lands to the East.
With an extremely meager bounty.
I see.
Yeah. I presume you have
Jarl Varg's share ready?
Yes, yes.
- I see you've got some new slaves?
- Yes.
Do you mind if I take a look myself?
No.
Sure.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Look at this.
Is there a new type of slave out East?
- No.
- Aren't they more square-faced?
With narrow eyes
and hooked noses?
No, that was before.
I see.
You can see for yourself.
They are extremely Eastern people.
Almost Chinaman.
They're not Chinaman.
- The jury's still out on that.
- No, they're not.
We are from the West.
They stole us from Britain.
Over the sea to the West.
East, East.
East.
These guys have red hair and talk
a language I've never heard before.
There are so many different languages.
You never know what a slave speaks.
What does a slave speak?
Slavonian? Or Slavish?
Slavegian?
Slavish, perhaps?
Don't bore yourself with these slaves.
Have a sip of our local mead.
Mead isn't just mead anymore.
- No, you're right.
- There are a lot of different types.
No, I agree.
- It's complex. Full-bodied.
- Yes.
It's tasteful. Yes.
- Well-balanced.
- Yes.
With a
A hint of smoke
in the aroma, the flavor.
Yes, all of that.
Let's just enjoy ourselves, now.
And not worry about
whether someone went on a raid
in this direction or that.
All that's very boring.
Cheers! Skål!
Skål!
So sure you're sober enough to ride?
Yes, I'm sure.
Give Jarl Varg my very, very best.
You know, big hugs.
I'm sorry his share wasn't bigger,
but you know how it is out East.
Take care!
I almost forgot one thing. I'd like
to bring one of the ginger people.
They look like a bit of fun.
I hope the Jarl won't find out
where that slave really came from.
- How would he figure that out?
- I don't know.
By someone understanding
the language he speaks for example?
That's not going to happen, is it?
One can only hope.
No, no, no, that won't happen.
It's just a matter of positive thinking.
Nine out of ten concerns
are completely unfounded.
Isn't that what they say?
- I don't know
- No, that's what they say.
Who says that?
Nine out of ten concerns
are unfounded.
Yeah, yeah.
But, who says that?
No, I don't know who says it,
I haven't got names.
People.
People do.
- I've never heard that.
- No, it's true.
Please!
Please, Jarl Varg!
Everything is OK.
Relax.
Relax.
Great.
Open your mouth.
Yes?
Jarl Varg?
Our assumption was right.
The Norheim villagers
have been on a raid.
Something tells me our share
was somewhat meager?
Well, Orm isn't trustworthy, so it's
hard to say, but this is our share.
Wow. Buttons.
They're just to fill it up a bit.
They got some pretty
exotic slaves, too.
Gingers.
Look at his teeth.
Very nice teeth.
His hair is red as fire.
And he's got spots
on his face.
How odd.
Carrot head.
Lord in heaven, blessed are thy name.
Forgive us of our sins, as we
forgive those who sin against us.
- You understand what he says?
- Sure.
Ask him where he's from.
Where are you from?
England.
He's from England.
It's a land to the West.
Norheim will be crushed.
By Thor, I'm so excited.
There something about a man
that wants something,
no matter how silly it may seem,
that does something to me.
Sorry.
My dear, loyal subjects.
The day has arrived.
And this is not only the unveiling
of an installation.
But this is the unveiling
of a new era!
Now you're allowed to cheer.
As I'm just as excited as you are.
I give to you
The installation!
What is it?
Some kind of big weapon?
Weapon? No, no, no this is art.
And art may be the most
powerful of all weapons.
If you think about it.
- So it is a weapon.
- No, no, not exactly.
Then how are we going to win battles?
With our emotions.
- So what do you think?
- It stinks!
This is good.
It seems like I've triggered some
emotions here and that's perfect.
Because art is supposed to
provoke and challenge.
Create debate. Disgust.
We have to dare to debate.
But not come to the point
where we suppress
and censor based
on individual taste.
- Yes?
- I just think everyone here
is having trouble understanding
what the point
behind this installation
is supposed to be.
Well.
The installation is a very important
focal point.
And it shows
- It shows cultural strength.
- And puts us on the map.
And that is very important. And
Anyway.
It's an artist's privilege
not having to explain his art.
And tomorrow rehearsals will begin
for the summer play.
So those of you participating,
make sure to get a good night's sleep.
So you can deliver 100% on stage.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Move.
Move, assholes.
- Orm
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
Jarl Varg?
- I'm back from Norheim.
- Yes?
It seems like they have
completely lost their focus,
or are focusing on something
that didn't make sense to me.
- There wasn't one guard in sight.
- Perfect. What are we waiting for?
This will be like stealing raisins
from a baby.
Rotten.
A rotten tooth. A rotten tooth.
Rotten tooth.
Arvid?
Are you still sleeping?
Today is the big day!
Look what Orm has sent you,
costumes for today's rehearsals.
This is gonna be so magical.
- What?
- Unwrap it.
Don't just lay there like a dork.
- What's this?
- "What's this"?
Just because it isn't an ax or a sword,
you have to ask "what's this"?
I can see what it is but
why did I get it?
Because you have been hand-picked
for a role in the play. What an honor!
To be honest, I have to say,
I'm a bit surprised they believe in you.
They must see something
no one else sees.
Loki!
OK, folks. We're finally ready
to start rehearsing.
So if everyone works together,
I guarantee you we'll put Norheim
on the theater map.
Of course, Chieftain Orm has the lead.
As the prince's mother.
Arvid will play
the prince's sister, Othella.
And Kark is their maid servant.
OK, let's hear it for them, folks!
OK.
Oh, knights of the West!
What do you want from us?
We are but simple farm girls
lost in the castle.
Spare our lives, for we are virgins.
- Yes, to that we swear.
- We can all swear.
Line.
- Spare our lives, for we are virgins?
- Your next line!
Arvid, the least you can do is focus.
Jesus!
Damn.
Fuck!
Sabotaging this is absolutely
uncalled for, Arvid.
Just look at Orm.
He's never acted before.
But he's practically
blowing me away here!
And Kark?
Exceptional!
So expressive,
in both movement and delivery.
Thank you. That's the first time
anyone's ever given me a compliment.
If a retard like Kark
can manage to act,
surely you can too?
You actually frighten me with
your lack of intellectual capacity here.
And you're ugly.
What?
I'm not saying that to be mean but
it's important to vent all the crap
if we're going to work
this close together.
From the top.
Oh, knights of the West!
What are they doing?
All I see are three gorgeous
women showing off.
I really got this
Sodom and Gomorrah vibe here.
It's really important
that these ladies don't distract us.
We are here to find Orm.
And when we do,
we'll carve him
into tiny, tiny pieces.
That's why I brought
this tiny, tiny knife.
You have to defend yourselves.
Raise your arms like this.
You're under attack,
for Christ's sake!
We're under attack!
Well, that's a tad too much.
Odin, my creator!
Jarl Varg in the flesh!
So powerful.
Now that's a real man for you.
Sure brought my little acorn to life.
I just got a clit-boner.
Women to the great hall.
Men in the cage.
I hope you're satisfied with yourself,
now that we've become
a cultural capital and all.
Not a single weapon to be found.
Excellent plan. Great job.
This is not the time to dwell
on our differences.
You have to save me, Arvid!
There's something about protecting your
chieftain that is extremely important.
Where is that miserable Chieftain Orm?
Next on the agenda:
Defiling!
But where to start?
Let's see.
Nice and firm.
By Thor!
No wonder the women of Norheim
are of such high repute.
Help!
Help!
Save me! Save me!
Help!
Mercy!
Where is Orm?
Clever.
That old pretend-to-whisper-
and-suddenly-spit-in-the-face trick.
Very good.
We have to get out of here
before they defile us to death.
So here's the plan.
You go to the guard by the door.
And distract him. Then I'll sneak
up on him from behind and kill him.
And then we just run out, charge the
others and hope for the best.
Good plan.
We could of course use the
potty hatch, but you're the Viking.
What's the potty hatch?
It's a hatch that leads directly
into the woods. But you wanted
- No, no, no, no! Potty hatch.
- Potty hatch.
Come on!
Come on!
Yes!
Come on!
What about Orm?
He's really getting pounded in there.
Come on!
Yes! Yes!
Anyone else want
to sacrifice something for Orm?
- A finger, maybe?
- No, no.
I won't sacrifice a damn shit
for that guy.
Orm is in the guild hall
in a turquoise dress.
Come on!
Yes, yes, yes!
Fuck, yeah!
Come on!
Yes, come on
Come on, we have to go.
But we have to get
the Map to the West.
No, I'll get it.
You don't have to worry about that.
You don't have to worry about that.
- I'm right here.
- That's a very private chest.
No, that's not the map.
Put that down again.
What is it?
Don't look at it.
I don't know what it is. It's
Someone left it there.
It's a tent peg.
Is there some sort of law
against having tent pegs?
Here it is!
Just put it in the sack
and I'll take care of it.
That's probably the safest.
I'll take it!