Wander Over Yonder (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

1 1x05a - The Bad Guy You don't have to say it.
Shortcuts through asteroid fields - not the best idea.
- We'll be fine! As long as we don't run out of Orbble juice.
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Ohh! Are we completely dry? But don't worry! Look, there's a nice little town over there.
Doomstone I bet they can rustle us up some Orbble juice.
I'm'a go ask 'em for help.
Wander! Don't you know where we are? This is Doomstone! Refuge for the meanest, nastiest outlaws in the galaxy.
You can't just walk in there asking for Orbble juice.
- They'll tear you apart! - What if I ask real nice? No! If we're gonna go in there, you gotta do the opposite of that.
You gotta act tough, nasty, mean! - You gotta act like a bad guy! - Bad guy? Got it! No problem.
Is that Is there some dinosaur in there? - Little bit.
- Ohh.
We're doomed.
Ohh.
Okay.
I'm gonna go see the owner about hooking us up with the juice.
Just remember: Grrrr! - You're in my seat, little man.
- Why, I'm sorry.
I I mean, get yer own Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I'm a wanted man.
Ten million credit reward for the capture of Badlands Dan, meanest man in the whole durned land! I'm a wanted man.
Ten million and one credit reward for the capture of Wild Wooly Wander, wickedest wan in the whole wurned wand! Sylvia: So any idea where a perpetrator of generally unpleasant things like myself can buy some Orbble juice? Well, I don't have any, but, uh Ohh.
There is someone who might have His name is Papa Doom.
Here's his address and directions to his place.
Enjoy.
So what's the catch? There is a catch, right? Papa Doom's the meanest, nastiest crime lord on Doomstone! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! You ain't tough enough! He's gonna blast you into atoms and keep the crystals himself! Ha ha! But that shouldn't be a problem for you and your partner, right? - He seems real tough.
- Tough? - Let's take it outside, little man.
- Let's do it! Let's take it all the way outside! Let's take it for a nice walk in the park You and the rest of these wimpy wimpersons.
The name is William Wimperson, thank you very much.
Are you three kinds of crazy? I asked for bad, not death wish! Now, we need to find a way to get these crystals across town Wander? - Hop on.
- What?! - Where did you - He stole my ride! - You stole from those guys?! - Yeah.
Should I give it back? No.
Go, Wild Willy Wander! - Go! - Yeahhh! Get him! Watch out! Watch this.
Truck full of explosives! Truck full of explosives! Good idea.
Bein' bad is raaad!!! You crazy whammer jammer! You you got us exactly where we needed to be! This must be Papa Doom's joint.
Oh, not bad, Wander.
Not bad at all.
"Oh, not bad, Wander.
" So you're thinking we should ask nice this time? No.
No, no, no.
We're almost home free.
We can't give up the act now.
So don't be nice! But ya know, don't be cuckoo either.
Oh! How about you let me do the talking? And you play the strong, silent type.
Right? Bad, but quiet.
Can you do that? Can I?!!! Shh! What kind of evil crime lord leaves his front door unlocked? Papa Doom: The kind who knows there's nobody stupid enough to walk through.
I, uh, I hear you have some Orbble transporter juice for sale.
Me and my partner here need to get off this rock to continue our life of bad an unsavory behavior.
I have a better idea.
I take your money, I don't give you any Orbble juice, and my friends here crush you into floor wax.
What's the matter, twerp? Ain't ya scared? Hold on! This is that guy I heard about, the guy who stood up to Badlands Dan! Who wrecked the motor hogs! Boss, this is Wild Wooly Wander! Is that true? I'm sorry! I didn't know! Please forgive me and my associates Lunker! Get our nasty friend Wander here a bottle of our finest Orbble juice.
See? We're all sensible but evil folks here.
Now we have our juice and you have your Papa Doom: Bag of rocks?! I switched the bags! Now we have the crystals and the juice.
Pretty bad, huh? After them!!! Game over, fur ball.
Bring it on, fellas! I'm Wild Wooly Wander! I'm the toughest meanest there is! Come on! I'll take all of ya on! Stop! Hoo-hoo-ee! That was some kind of fun! You folks are all real good sports.
All: Huh??? Look, we're not bad guys.
We were acting bad to try to blend in.
We're just lost travelers who need some help, and we're very sorry for all the trouble we caused.
Could you find it in your hearts to help us out? - No! - No! - No! We don't help strangers! And we ain't got hearts! So, someone's gonna hit us, right? Wait a flossin' second.
You're all a bunch of fakers, aren't you? Just like Wander was! Well, of all the you I can't believe Yeah.
You're right.
I never hurt anybody.
I heard Doomstone was a tough place, so I only faked tough to survive.
Oh, that's super news! I thought I was the only one pretending! No! - Boys, I was fakin', too.
- Aw, me too! - Oh, I was so scared of you! - This isn't even a real tattoo.
I just want some chamomile tea.
I hate these bikes.
They're so dangerous.
- I was just fakin' it.
Nice to meet you! - I miss my garden.
Well, how about that? Yeah, yeah, you were right.
We just had to ask nicely.
This should be enough juice to get you guys wherever you want to go.
And a little something for the road.
Ahh.
Y'all come back and visit, ya hear? - Why, thank you.
We surely will.
- Hee hee hee! Tickled.
Wander: What a nice bunch of folks.
Sylvia; Ah, bunch of softies if you ask me.
1x05b - The Troll Um you gonna get the door? To arms! Guess they don't like solicitors.
My friends forgive us this rude intrusion on the feast meant to honor our most recent feats of strength and bravery.
We never could have dreamt it would be interrupted by our greatest of enemies hoist the food sack of Thuringian! Our most valuable resource.
For centuries, it has held our annual harvest and kept our people fed and mighty through each of the seven seasons.
We protect it with our lives, for without it, we would starve! And it is what he has come for.
Warriors of Baaaa-halla, assemble! Hey, dum-dums! I thought I told ya not to lock this gate no more! What an adorable little troll! That? That's what they're so afraid of? Await my command! Well, if it isn't Prince Cashmere.
I hope you losers filled up that pretty little food sack after last year I'm hungry.
You are not welcome here, troll! Return from whence you came, and we shall not harm you.
"Return from whence you came.
" I'm Cashmere, and I sound like this Hurdy gurdy, gurdy, gurdy, hurdy, hurdy! How dare you! I am born of the seventh tribe of Markhoor! I speak with great eloquence! Yeah!!! Take that, losers! Oh.
I see.
Troll: You call that hitting? It feels like sweet little kisses! Curl! I would never kiss anyone except someone who I admired and respected, and only after we dated for quite a while! Ja.
Kissing is very intimate.
I'm saving my first kiss for my special someone, not you! Here we go! Heroic Wander and mighty Sylvia, I must command my troops from the ground.
Can I rely on your bravery and impressive physical prowess to hold down the great hall? Ho ho! Are you kiddin'? Fighting, my thing.
Helping, his thing.
Right, Wander? Wander? Wander! Yep.
Oh, thank you, my friends.
Ground squad, follow me! All right, archers, head to the roof and start firing! Catapult guy, make it rain! Go! Go! Go! - Wander, let's go! Battle time! - Don't I know it? Nice beard! Did your little sister braid it for you? Ohhh! As a matter of fact, she did! Ja, and she did a very good job! She's a talented braider, and I am very proud of her! Hurdy, gurdy, hurdy! Hurdy, gurdy, hurdy! Ha ha! Hey, buddy boy, you know what would be awesome? If you helped me out here!!! I am helping.
Boy, those peanuts sure know how to get stuck in there.
Hey! Why you gotta be so stupid?! I have above-average intelligence! Thank you! - Out of the way, baldy! - It's normal for my age!!! Hey, Cashmere! I totally forgot how lame your cape is! How dare you?! My dear sweet nana ba ba made this for me! Hey, lazy, I'm thinking of a word.
It starts with an "h" and it rhymes with "help"!!! Ahhh.
I am helping.
Oh, I don't have time for this.
Cashmere! I'm coming! I immediately regret that decision.
Score! Looks like this guy is gonna get his food sack on after all! Wander! Wake up! The food sack! Huh? Huh? Huh?! You! Hey, ya dumb yokel! I'm talking to you.
Huh? Hmm.
You look like a hairy spoon! Your shoes are out of style! That's the stupidest hat I've ever seen! What the ? Ding! The troll has be shrunken! The sack of Thuringian is safe at last! Thank goodness! Now let us proceed to stomp upon him! Oh, look! Just what I needed.
Troll: Your mom is ugly! You are such a meanie! - Your dad is ugly! - Uh-uh! Your great-aunt twice removed is ugly! Wash your mouth out with soap! My friends? Why do you stand idly by? Nay! Nay! Lying idly by whence the invader threatens to destroy my people! We cannot once again afford to feed this monster! - Then stop feeding him.
- But that's what we're trying to do! Dude, just ignore the guy.
You getting all upset just makes him stronger.
- Uh, yeah.
Don't feed - The troll.
Just give me one more, you dum-dum! Cashmere: No! Give him none! Don't you see, my friends? We are proud and brave and strong.
We are good people with good hearts.
And we are all beautiful on the inside.
We know this to be.
So why should we care what this sad, pathetic, pitiful creature thinks of us? You believe that schmaltzy garbage? What a bunch of wusses! And and babies! Yeah! You're sappy-wappy babies! Your armor could use a polish? Your hair is kinda messy? You're two inches too short! Your mother wears combat booooots! You saved us! Hey! You're all wimps! With tiny muscles! You're weak, and your food is terrible! I didn't even want it anyway! Hey! Pay attention to meeee! Huh? Ohh!