Warren (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 How long you been teaching for, then, Warren? - Oy! Put your phone down and keep digging.
That's my taxes paying for that, you lazy bastards.
I'm not sure shouting at 'em - And another one.
Look at them both laughing! Oy! Get digging! Ugh, supposed to be going on holiday this afternoon.
Oh, where you going? Morecambe.
You been? Yeah, when I was younger.
It's nice.
Yeah, it should be good.
I could do with a break.
Although we're taking my in-laws, so you can't have everything, can you? Ah, should be fun anyway.
Her dad's just been given a clean bill of health, so apparently we're celebrating.
Just booked a cheap little caravan for the weekend.
My family used to go to Morecambe all the time Actually, I could just drop you here, cos if I go all the way back to yours I'll only hit the traffic in the ring-road as well.
I live miles from here.
Well, you could walk.
You could do with the exercise.
You're a fat little knacker, ain't you? No, that's ridiculous.
You can drive me home.
Ooh! All right, Your Majesty.
Shall I call a butler and get him to run you a bath as well? I think you should be a little bit more professional.
- Fine.
How about I drop you at the Shell garage next to the school? - No.
Park Inn Hotel, that's at least halfway.
- No.
Swimming pool on Kimpton Place.
Last offer.
Fine.
You drive a hard bargain, I'll give you that.
Finally! What, um, what time are you back Sunday, Mum? Probably around lunchtime, depending on what time checkout is.
Warren likes to stay till the last minute to get his money's worth.
Why? Oh, no reason, just wondering.
Bloody hell, Anne, what have you got in here? We're only going for two nights.
Did you get passports? Do we need passports? We're going to Morecambe, luv.
Just in case? In case what, we take a wrong turn and end up in Mexico? Bloody hell, Anne, what's that? Oh, me dad's bought a new patio heater, so he's given us his old one.
Oh, great, more of his old shit filling up my garden.
Right, are we ready to go? Yeah.
Be careful, luv.
Right, see you in a bit.
If someone knocks on the door, don't answer, just hide.
OK? Putting a lot of trust in you this weekend, so please be sensible.
Yeah, and I've asked Ian to keep an eye out, so don't try anything stupid Charlie.
But.
Keep waving, Dan, that's it.
Wait till they've gone.
Right, you ready? Ready? For what? For the biggest house party that Preston has ever seen.
What? Here? Charlie.
- Eh-up.
- All right, Dad? Hiya, Mam.
Good drive? - Oh, yeah, it were easy, weren't it, luv? Yeah.
- Did you have a good drive? Yeah, no problems, Bill.
You signed in yet? No, we thought we'd leave that to you.
You thought you'd leave that to me? Why? Well, just in case we got it wrong.
How long have you been sat here, then? About two hours.
You've been sat in the car for two hours? What were you doing? Oh, well, we started counting caravans, but when we got to about 12 we couldn't remember what row we'd started on, so we gave up in the end.
We've been sat in car for two hours counting caravans.
I've just told him that.
Bloody hell, you two know how to live, don't you? Going to be a wild weekend, I can tell.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.
Hello, there, sir.
How can I help? I'd like to check in, please.
- Great.
Well, welcome to Sunny Groves.
What's the check-in name, please? - Thompson.
- Thompson.
Here you are.
Ah, now, you're in our golden deluxe chalet, is that right? Golden Deluxe chalet? Our top of the range static home, one with the en-suite bathroom and balcony.
Yeah, that sounds like our caravan.
Absolutely, yeah.
Great.
If you'll just give me a little scribble here and here I'll get your key.
Lovely job.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.
That's enough stuff now, innit? Well, that's the dance floor cleared, at least.
Now, grab the other end of this before Ian sees.
What about when all the people come, won't that give the game away? Paula and Ian are going to be in bed by the time all the cool people get here, anyway.
And what about the music, won't that wake them up? You all right, boys? What you doing? Ooh, building a den? Er, no.
No, no, no.
We were, we were, er, just redecorating the lounge.
You're redecorating the lounge? - Yeah.
As a surprise.
Have you got Carol Smillie coming round later or something? What? No, no, no.
No-one's coming round.
Changing Rooms? Oh, maybe you're too young.
Oh, right.
Well, no-one is coming round, so.
Boys, my neighbour radar is going off something chronic over here.
You're not having a party, are you? I told him we shouldn't have one, Ian.
I didn't want to.
- Oh, Dan.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, chaps, I don't want to be an old party pooper, but I was asked to keep an eye on you by your dad.
He's not our dad.
And I do take that responsibility very seriously, so I don't think I can just - What's going on? Er, the boys were going to throw a party later, but Oh, I love a party.
Are we invited? Well, it's not really that sort of - Yeah, you can come, yeah! What are you doing? It might be good to have some adults there just in case.
What do you reckon, luv? One last wild party with the youngsters? Come on, you know you love a dance.
Well, I suppose if we were there we would technically still be keeping an eye on them.
Or you could just stay next door and we could just Oh, go on, then.
- Yeah.
Why not? Might be nice to dust off the old dancing shoes.
I did win a few competitions as a lad with my moves.
Ian, they don't want to hear it.
Have you filled the dishwasher? Oh, no, sorry.
See you later, boys.
Er, peace out.
- Heh heh - What? Oh, it's got non-stick pans.
Oh, and Sky, all the channels.
Oh, Warren, this is the biz.
Well, I thought I'd splash out, you know, celebrate Bill's good news.
Do you want a beer, Bill? Oh, yeah, lovely.
Thanks, Warren.
You heard that all right, didn't you? Let's see what we've got, then.
- Where's Sheila? Oh, she's just trying to work out the underfloor heating in the en-suite.
Oh, you really did treat us here, Warren.
Thanks ever so much.
- Good health, Bill.
- Cheers.
It's got an espresso machine.
Does anyone want an espresso? I'd love an espresso, Anne.
Hello, there, Mr Thompson.
Yeah? Problem? Bit of bad news.
You'll laugh at this, actually.
Try me.
Well, turns out there are two Thompsons booked in this weekend.
There's yourselves and, um, another family, and, well, you haven't actually booked the Golden Deluxe chalet.
- You just booked the bronze range one.
- So? So you're in their caravan.
Well, just don't tell them.
They'll never know.
Stick 'em in the bronze one.
Oh, no, no, I can't do that.
See, they paid for this one, and anyway, we're fully booked now.
Well, we've unpacked now.
Well, when we were in reception you did tell me that you'd booked the golden deluxe when I asked you.
No, I didn't, you said that.
I just agreed.
Well, maybe if you'd been a bit more transparent.
Oh, so it's my fault now, is it? - No, no, no.
I never said that.
Oh, don't worry, everyone.
This tosser just puts people where he wants them and then tries to blame them for it.
Mr Thompson - No, it's fine.
Fine.
I'll move my elderly in-laws because you messed up.
No worries.
I am very sorry.
Sorry, pal.
What a mix-up, eh? - Yeah.
Now, look, you're in caravan number 12.
It's still a lovely caravan.
And what I'll do is I'll wait here, and I'll give you a hand with your stuff.
And, er, well, here we are.
Does this one have non-stick pans? - It doesn't, sadly, no.
- Oh.
Oh, not to worry.
Let's put kettle on.
- If it's got one.
What are we doing? Warren's booked the wrong caravan.
What? - Oh right.
Oy-oy, girls! Who the bloody hell, are they? Oh, they're the girls in Caravan 11.
Hen do this weekend, all the way from Cardiff.
Oh, that's all I bloody need.
Bad enough with you northerners.
Now I've got the king Welsh as well.
They're no trouble, they're all nurses.
Listen, if there's anything else you need you just - Wanker.
just give me a shout.
Bit bloody tight, innit? Oh, Warren, don't worry, this is perfectly nice.
Hasn't even got Sky.
Got Freeview.
Bloody Freeview.
We've got Sky at our house.
Would you like to go there? - No, thank you.
- Bill will drive you, won't you, luv? Yes, I'll take you now if you want to watch our Sky.
It's not about the Sky, it's about the principle.
We could phone Liz.
She's got Sky.
No, I don't Should I take you to Liz's to watch her Sky? Oh, will you shut up about the bloody Sky? - Charming.
- Why don't we all go and play bowling? You like bowling, don't you? Who wants to go and play bowling? Anything to get us out of this shit-hole.
Warren, there's nothing we can do about it anyway.
It's not like they're going to swap caravans with us, so let's just enjoy the holiday.
Coats on, everyone.
Oh, hang on.
I think I left mine in t'other caravan.
I'll go get it.
Oh, we'll just stop on the way.
- No, no, no.
We're here to celebrate.
You crack on enjoying yourselves.
I'll see you down the bowling alley.
Oh, he's a good lad.
You picked a winner there, Anne.
Did he like his patio heater? Oh, yeah, he were chuffed to pieces.
Oh, hello there.
I'm Warren Thompson.
I don't suppose my father-in-law left his jacket here, did he? - Yeah.
Wondered if it were yours.
Poor old Bill.
He's ever so forgetful these days.
Sorry, I get emotional.
- He's not got long left.
- Oh.
God, no, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we thought he'd beaten it, and then suddenly, pow.
Right kick in the teeth.
- Yeah, sure.
Time to get the Sky on, luv.
Sorry, I'd better get going.
Yeah, course.
Him having only a week left to live, he wanted to come to Morecambe for one last trip, stay in the old caravan where he used to stay when he was a boy.
- Right.
- And then us getting chucked out of here Life seems so unfair sometimes, doesn't it? This were the actual one? - Yeah.
This were the caravan he stayed in when he were growing up? Yeah, the ol' Golden Deluxe.
This is only three months old, though, isn't it? Yeah, but it's the same plot, so.
- Right.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear all this.
If there's anything we can do, just let us know.
- Swap caravans.
- I'm sorry? Well, we could swap caravans, you know.
Give my father-in-law the holiday he deserves.
Oh, look, I'm really sorry to hear about your father-in-law's illness, but I can't swap caravans, you know.
Why not? Well, we've been looking forward to this holiday for ages.
- So has he.
As soon as we heard it was terminal, he looked at me with his little face and he said, "Warren, take me to Sunny Groves for one last hurrah.
" Matthew! Look, I've got to go.
Um, I'm really sorry I can't be any more help.
Yeah, well, I'll go and break the bad news to him, if he's still with us.
Thanks for the coat.
Enjoy your holiday.
That's it.
Yeah, just put it down there, lads.
What's all this? That, Danny, is the sub-zero woofer, 125 decibels and a bass that'll shake the foundations.
Charlie, please, this is getting crazy.
Dan Lighten up.
People are going to be talking about this night for years.
Right, come on.
Give us a hand with the disco lights and the smoke machine.
Dan, come on.
I need you to roll the glitterball in.
Christ, he's done it again! - Well done, Dad.
Did they all go down? - Yeah.
You sure you haven't played before, Bill? No, I played ping-pong, but never bowling.
- It's your go, Mam.
- No way.
What are you doing, Warren? - I thought you were wobbling.
You all right, Dad? - I'm fine.
I don't know what he's bloody doing.
Bill, fall over.
- What? Pretend to fall over.
- Fall over? Why? Just fall over.
- No, sod off.
Oh, forget it.
They're not looking now anyway.
Oh! This is the one, Mam.
Oh, bad luck.
Hopeless.
Yeah, it doesn't matter, Sheila.
Well, wasn't that fun? Shall we go back and get a bit of dinner? Fish and chips from the chip shop? Oh, great.
Come on, then.
Yeah.
Here you go, Bill.
I can manage.
Warren, I can! All right, there you go.
Poor old sod.
Warren, can you hear that? Course I can bloody hear it.
Whole of Lancashire can hear it.
Where's it coming from? I bet it's coming from that hen party.
If it is, I'm going to say something.
- No, don't, Warren.
It's not that bad.
Is somebody playing music? Oh, Christ, even he can hear it.
No, Warren.
Oh, leave him.
Oh, here we go, girls.
Stripper's here.
Phwoar, get your kit off.
Don't be so personal.
Don't look like your pictures, I can tell you that.
Oh, I don't know.
I think he's quite fit.
I like a dad bod.
Can you turn that bloody music down? Why? We're enjoying ourselves.
Why? Cause I'm on me holiday.
I want to go in the caravan, eat my dinner, watch Pointless and relax.
What a crap holiday.
Your poor wife must be bored shitless.
Well, the joke's on you, she's not my wife.
All right, fine.
Girls, turn it down.
Is that better? Yeah, was that so difficult? Enjoy Pointless.
Yeah, I bloody will.
You boring old fart.
Who's got Waterworks? - Warren.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you have.
I saw you buy it.
No, I got Electric Company, not Waterworks.
Warren, I watched you buy it.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
I didn't buy Waterworks, Sheila.
I bought Electric Company about three rounds ago, but no Waterworks.
Oh.
Hang on, I've got Waterworks.
Oh, I'm going to go round there again.
Oh, no, Warren, don't.
I'll pull their electric out if I have to.
Hey, why don't we go to the bingo at the social club tonight? - Oh, I love bingo.
- Dad? Yeah? - Want to go and play bingo? Want to go and do what? - Bingo.
Oh, have they got bingo? There's bingo on at the social club tonight, you deaf old sod.
Oh, yeah, right, let's go.
Warren, bingo? - Oh, anything to get away from that rabble.
Great.
Coats on again.
Let's go.
Are we off again? I'm up and down like a bride's nighty.
Oh, Danny's rung.
Hold on.
Danny? What does he want? I don't know yet.
- Call him back.
Quickly! All right, calm down.
- I'll call him myself.
Why have you still got your bowling shoes on, Mam? They're ever so comfortable, Anne, and I love the Velcro.
Oh, it's gone straight to bloody voicemail.
I'll try Ian.
We'll see you there, then.
- All right, luv.
Hello, Warren, luv, how's your holiday? - Ian? - No, it's Paula.
- Oh, hello, Paula.
Noisy.
We had a missed call from Danny.
Is everything all right there? - Oh yeah, it's fine.
Not heard a peep from 'em.
Oh, thank God for that.
Any problems, you give me a call, all right? Roger that.
Bye, Warren.
Five and three, 53.
All right, luv? Sit there.
Six and seven.
Whoo! Hi! Oh, bloody hell.
I thought we got rid of that lot.
Shhh, Warren, we're halfway through a game.
What took you so long? - Nothing.
Hello, mate.
- Hello, again.
How's he getting on? Oh, he's doing as well as can be expected.
Do you know what he said to me? He said, "If I can't have my caravan, then grant me one last game of bingo, Warren.
" - Right, yeah.
- Poor old bugger.
He barely has the strength to dab his card now.
I wondered if you'd managed to think any more about our conversation earlier.
Line! Line! Warren, will you give me dad a hand? He can't hear half the numbers.
Do I have to? Yes, that's £25 for Kathy.
Now, eyes down for a full house, where we'll be playing on for our star prize, the karaoke machine! That's all we bloody need, them getting their hands on a karaoke machine as well.
Is everybody ready? Here, give us that, Bill.
Warren, share it, please.
You concentrate.
If they win that prize, we're going home.
On its own, number four.
Unlucky for some, 13.
What were that? Never mind, Bill, I've got it.
Those two little ducks, 22.
A favourite of mine, 69.
Whoa! Oh, they are just vile.
- Oh, I think they're hilarious.
Jump and jive, 35.
Oh, ready, girls.
Here we go.
Whoo-whoo! I can't hear what he's saying.
And 72.
Hang on a minute, he's going too fast.
Tell him, Warren.
Did he say seven? I think he said seven.
- Did he say seven? I think he did, yeah.
Did he say seven, Anne? I don't know, Warren, I think so.
Shout bingo, Bill.
Shout it.
Bingo! We have a caller.
Let's check that all-important card.
Here we go.
False call, everybody.
False call.
I'm afraid number seven hasn't been called.
Yes, it bloody has.
Which means the karaoke machine is still up for grabs? No, you just bloody called it.
- Not to worry, Warren.
We're going to carry on with the game.
If you just return to your seat, please.
- It don't matter.
You just called it.
You just called seven.
Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Where's the independent adjudicator? Warren, please sit down, luv.
Going on with three and nine, 39.
- Disgraceful.
- Warren, luv.
One and four, 14.
Bingo! Bingo! I did it! We may have a winner.
Oh, you're joking me.
Let's check those numbers.
There we go.
Yes! Yes, that's the final win of the evening, taking home the karaoke machine.
Congratulations to the girls.
That will be winging its way to your caravan.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
Remember, the bar is open for another half-hour.
- Oh, I love bingo.
- Well, I'm not sleeping next door to that.
No chance.
I'm going to talk to someone.
Oh, will you at least get us a round in first? I'll get you a round Yeah.
Same again? Sorry, can I just get a tap water, please? - Ah, bless him.
Did you see that? He thought he'd won.
Last ever game.
He came so close.
He'd have killed for that karaoke machine.
- I did feel bad for him, yeah.
- Yeah.
Problem is, his mind's all over the place at the moment.
He was dabbing numbers left, right and centre.
Actually, Warren, cancel that.
Dad's getting a bit tired, so we're going to go back.
Oh, yeah, good idea.
Get some rest, Bill.
Can I just say, I think you're so brave.
Well, I had a good run.
It were fun while it lasted, but time to call it a day.
I don't have the energy like I used to.
Course, and I'm sorry about the caravan.
It's just with a little one and stuff.
You understand, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah, might see you tomorrow.
Who knows? - God bless.
- Yeah.
God bless you, too.
Oh, bless him.
Well, I'd better get on.
Try and make him comfortable.
Warren, you know what? Please, just take my caravan.
Really? It just breaks my heart to see him like that.
Give us a half-hour to clear our stuff away.
Oh, that is Yes, you made an old man very happy.
Get in! I might be anyone A lone fool out in the sun Your heartbeat of solid gold I love you, you'll never know When the daylight comes Is anyone coming? I don't know.
He said he asked loads of people.
Any sign of anyone yet, Charlie? Not yet.
Right, well, can we get the disco lights off, then? I think they're giving me epilepsy.
I had so many people saying they're attending on Facebook.
So many.
Absolute waste of time.
Maybe it's for the best no-one came.
I'm never going to be able to show my face around town again.
Oh, my God, quick, get the door.
Whoo! Oh, this is funky.
Is it grime? Where are your wine glasses, luv? In a cupboard above the kettle.
I'll show you.
Are you the first one here? Um, yeah.
Right, gotcha.
I'm Ian.
I live next door.
I'm Jenny, Danny's girlfriend.
Oh, very cool.
Yeah.
So he said we could swap, just like that? Yeah.
His wife didn't trust the oven or something.
Anyway, who cares? We got the Golden Deluxe back.
What a strange woman? Hey, Bill, we can watch the football on Sky Sports.
I might have an espresso.
Oh, not at this hour, Mam, you'll never sleep.
We're supposed to be celebrating, Anne.
I'll take this one and come back for the others in a couple of secs, all right? Shall I give you a hand? - Ah, no, no, Bill.
That's all right.
You stay here and, um, remember your coat.
What the hell do you think you're doing? What's going on? He was just rubbing himself against the window and peering in on us.
Don't be stupid.
He was spying on us! He's a Peeping Tom! I'm not a bloody Peeping Tom.
If I was a Peeping Tom, I'd peep on much better looking girls than you.
You pervert! - I wasn't peeping.
I was trying to unplug that.
What is going on here? People are sleeping? He's been spying on us in the dark.
What? - Don't talk shit.
The only reason I came over here was to unplug their electric.
What'd you try and do that for? That's specifically against site rules.
Oh, I suppose it's perfectly all right for them to sing Bananarama all bloody night long, is it? It was Spice Girls, actually.
Sorry, is it all right to move now? It's way past her bedtime.
- Yes, mate.
- What do you mean, move? What the bloody hell is going on here? Where'd you want this, Warren? Oh! 12 stitches, a black eye and concussion.
Well, how was I meant to know he was bloody coming out? - It's lucky those hens were all nurses.
- He'll be fine.
It looked worse than it is.
He's 83, Warren.
And he only got out of hospital a few month ago anyway.
Well, one more night won't do him any harm, then, will it? I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
Getting kicked out of a caravan park and your partner accused of being a Peeping Tom.
They should never have had that karaoke machine in the first place.
He called seven.
- Oh, will you leave it? Just take me home.
I'll be honest, I was expecting a bit of a better vibe.
Yeah, we all were.
Is there any more wine? - or beer, maybe? I think there might be some more wine in the kitchen.
and, erm Warren might have some beers in the garage.
You check the cupboard.
I'll look in fridge.
Do you want one? No, thanks.
I'm fine with squash.
What are we doing with the cans, then? Putting them in recycling? Oh, right.
Right, that's it.
I'm calling it.
Party's over.
Great, great.
Shall we start getting the stuff in from the garden, then? What the bloody hell is going on? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my Danny! What the hell's going on? It's not what it looks like.
- It looks like a party.
Yeah, all right, it is what it looks like, but Danny, what have you been doing? What? No no, I didn't want to have a party.
Danny, where does Warren keep his lime? What are you doing here? I bloody live here.
What are you doing here? Danny invited us over for a party.
- No, I didn't.
- You were supposed to be keeping an eye on them.
I was.
Well, no, I still am.
We're supervising the party.
Danny, I could only find Oh, my God, it's a bloody free for all, and those are my beers.
Oh, I can't believe you, Danny.
I'm so disappointed.
You've really let me down, and in front of Jenny as well.
Mum, I - Where's all my bloody furniture? Bet he's stuck it all in the garden, ain't he, to make some space.
What? No, I didn't.
Didn't know we had a barbecue going.
Well, Dad did say that patio heater was a bit dodgy.
Why he bought a new one.
Huh! Oh, Anne.