Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to
Was It Something I Said?,
the quotations show that marvels at
all the remarkable things
that people have said.
For instance,
Richard Branson once said:
But sadly, it seems,
not all the public appearances.
On Richard Ayoade's team tonight
is actor and comedian Miles Jupp.
With Micky Flanagan tonight is my
reluctant life partner, Robert Webb.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read out our quotations
is an actor who once said:
Well, if the question was
"onto a Channel 4 panel show,"
the answer is yes.
Please welcome actor and star of
Game Of Thrones, Charles Dance.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, round one is called Threesomes.
In this round, we give both teams
a series of quotations
and ask them to work out
which of three people said it.
If you want to play along at home,
you can do so on Twitter
by following @somethingIsaid
or, in an exciting breakthrough
for interactive technology,
you can shout the answers
at your TV screen.
We can hear you, but we're very
professional, so we won't react.
The theme of this week's threesome
is school days.
Can we have the first quotation,
please, Charles?
R Kelly.
APPLAUSE
- I don't really know who he is.
- No, I know.
He's a very self-reflective man,
a little like Michel de Montaigne.
- I don't really know
who that is either. - Yeah.
I can tell you, it's none of the
people you've mentioned so far.
I'm going to give you
the threesome it might be.
So, was it actor Sylvester Stallone,
author Ian Fleming
or professor
Professor Stephen Hawking?
I don't think it's Sylvester
Stallone, because it says, er,
"school".
APPLAUSE
As we all know,
he didn't go to school,
he sprang fully formed
from a block of solid rubber.
That's no way
to talk about his mother.
I think it's not Hawking,
because, I mean,
he's quite scientific, isn't he?
I think it is Hawking, because
he was thinking about the universe
the whole time and he was, like,
black holes and everything.
He's basically a Time Lord,
and he's got a lot of stuff
going through his mind,
and it's very difficult
to expect him
to concentrate on the formation
of an oxbow lake.
And he might just, y'know, he might
have been a bit scatty at school.
- You think it happened
during geography? - Yes.
- I can give you a clue. This person
was bullied at school. - Ah! Stallone.
- You think it's Stallone? - Yeah,
cos this is what it's all about.
- The bullying led to - AS STALLONE:
Oh, I can't wait to be Rocky.
- I wish I was Rocky. - Yeah.
- I wouldn't do that as Rocky.
- AS ROCKY: They drew first blood!
They drew first blood!
- You're going Stallone?
- Yep. - And Richard and Miles?
- I think Ian Fleming is more likely.
- We won't provide reasons.
- You refuse to give reasons.
- I refuse reasons.
Well, the answer is
Sylvester Stallone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And he did,
he just jumped off the roof
holding an umbrella
as a sort of parachute.
- Cos he's thick as shit. - What a twat!
Do you know what other
safety precaution he took?
He was wearing a superhero costume
under his school uniform.
And do you know what he was voted
at junior high school?
Most likely to end up in a montage.
No. They weren't that sensible.
According to Stallone, he said:
Only in America
would that be a category.
Yeah. OK, Charles,
can we have your next quotation on
the subject of school days, please?
So, whose attitude was
one of "complete bordom"?
Was it Stallone, Fleming or Hawking?
- David, can I point something out?
- Yeah.
It's that "bordom"
doesn't have an E in,
which would make me think of
Sylvester Stallone.
Is that part of the quote?
Or is that?
That spelling
is a correct quotation.
OK. Stallone. Final answer.
APPLAUSE
This sort of sounds like a mission
statement for Tower Hamlets council.
Isn't that their crest?
The person that said this
also said, "In the end,
"I did learn to read, but not until
the fairly late age of eight".
Ian Fleming. Final answer.
Final answer, David.
I will say, you are devaluing
the words "final answer".
No, cos each time I say it,
it is final.
Final answer, Ian Fleming.
It's Fleming, because it's pompous -
"an attitude of complete 'bordom'".
Y'know, it's a little bit
"nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah"
I don't like Ian Fleming.
HE IMITATES ROBER
"Oh, Bond got out of his car"
You're both going
Ian Fleming. Well
the answer is
Professor Stephen Hawking.
BOOING
Don't boo the professor!
The glaring spelling mistakes
in many of Stephen Hawking's quotes,
including the misspelling
of "boredom",
are deliberate and aid pronunciation
by his speech synthesiser.
- Ah! - So that explains that.
That's the end of the round,
and a quick look at the scores
tells me that Micky and Robert
are in the lead.
APPLAUSE
- Can I ask Charles something?
Charles? - Yes?
You were in For Your Eyes Only,
weren't you?
- Yes, I was. - Yes.
Great lap-dancing club. Really is.
- The Southampton one is fantastic.
- Is it? - Oh, yeah.
When you were in For Your Eyes Only,
was that amazing fun,
to be in a Bond film,
or was it just like another job?
I have one line
..which the director wanted to cut,
and Roger Moore, bless him, said,
"Oh, no, you can't cut the line.
It's very important."
So he said, "Awright, Charles,
you 'ang on to the line, Charles."
He kind of resented me
for the rest of the film,
having to restore my line, I think.
"And now, Charles wants
to say his line
"All right, come on"
Can you remember your line?
Yes. "Get in."
APPLAUSE
Continuing our theme of quotations,
the next round is called Key Words.
We give our panellists a few
key words from a famous quotation
and ask them to work out
the whole quote.
So, basically, you'll only get
about one word in four,
a bit like listening to
digital radio in Cornwall.
The team that gets nearest the
actual wording scores the points.
Now, this is from a quotation
by Martin Luther King Jnr.
As the first clue, please could you
give the key words, Charles?
OK, we all know he said,
"I have a dream,"
but what did he say after that?
"I have a dream most nights."
"I have a dream.
I can never remember them."
- Yeah. - "I know they're really weird,
but I can never remember them."
I think there should be
a thing you can do in life
that when people start telling you
their dreams, you just go, "Sh"
It would have slightly marred
that occasion, though, wouldn't it?
"Sh, Martin.
"Not now.
I don't want to hear about it.
"I don't care
if there was an alligator in it.
- "I'm sure it was brilliant"
- I'm going to give you one more word.
Charles, can we have another word
from the speech, please?
- Children. - "I have a dream.
I have a dream
"children won't be allowed
in the pub after six o'clock.
"I have a dream they won't be allowed
on long-haul flights."
These are all good guesses.
I'm going to push you
for an answer each.
What you have to do is
say your closest go, each team,
and then the one that gets closest
I'll give a point to.
If you're both really close,
I'll give you both a point.
And if neither of you are close,
I won't give either of you a point.
But the "both getting a point"
and "neither getting a point",
that essentially doesn't matter.
It's if one gets a point and
the other doesn't, then it gets
and I don't think
I'm using hyperbole
when I say "fucking exciting".
APPLAUSE
I think Rob knows.
It's something like, "I have a dream
that one day the black children
"and the white children of America
"will sit down
in a classroom together
"and a person will be judged
not by the colour of his skin
"but by the content
of his character,"
- and then he said loads of other
stuff. - He said loads of other things.
- Before and after. - What's your pitch?
- That. - Yeah.
APPLAUSE
With the addition of -
cos this is the bit I remember -
it's "four children", cos I thought,
"Ooh, he's managing to get a lot
done AND cope with the childcare".
Cos four children,
that's no picnic.
I think I'm tremendously impressed.
Charles, can you give us
the full quotation, please?
APPLAUSE
I think, basically,
you all worked as a team,
like Martin Luther King's
four little children,
and so I'm going to give you all
a point. So, well done.
APPLAUSE
So, at the end of that round,
Micky and Robert are in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Over the break,
see if you can complete
this quotation from Vegas
entertainers Siegfried and Roy.
Tweet your answer
to @somethingIsaid
and we'll see you
in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break we asked you
to complete this quotation
from Siegfried and Roy:
..wish you'd stopped at three.
You spend a lot of time opening
great big fucking tins.
- HE GROWLS
- All right! All right!
All right! It's coming.
It's difficult to go on holiday.
It becomes more difficult.
"I'm off to Tenerife. Yeah.
The house is free.
"Yeah. I'd love you to sit.
"There's one catch that has been
putting some people off.
"Can you look after
"..58 lions and tigers?"
Didn't one of them
try to eat one of them?
- One of them got a little bit
- Killed? - No, not killed. No.
- Just maimed? - Maimed, yes.
- Oh, can't win 'em all, can you?
What Siegfried and Roy actually
said was, "If you live with 58 lions
and tigers then you will"
I think we can agree that
that sentence is more regrettable
than the mauling of Roy.
LAUGHTER
So, Charles, in the opening scene
of Game Of Thrones,
- you skinned a deer. - I did indeed.
- Were you taught how or did you just
improvise? - I was taught how.
And is there more than one way or
is it not like a cat?
LAUGHTER
- No, there's really only one way. - How?
The producers came to me
two days before.
This was a new scene
and they came and said,
"Are you vegetarian, Charles?"
And I said, "No. Why?" And they
gave me this scene and we did it.
- And are you a vegetarian now?
- No, I'm not.
And I was hoping they would give me
a nice leg of venison to take back.
I didn't even get an ear.
LAUGHTER
It's now time for the round called
What Are They Talking About?,
in which you'll hear a quote
of someone talking about something
and you have to work out,
you've guessed it, their star sign!
Wait, you haven't guessed it.
You have to work out
what they're talking about.
Here's one from American World War
II general General Patton.
So what is he talking about?
I don't know why everyone worries
about upsetting little old ladies.
Everyone always says,
"Oh, a little old lady!"
Some of them are right slags.
LAUGHTER
They are. I used to work
in a factory and this old girl
came up to me and went,
"You know you lot, you all talk
about sucking cock all the time.
We used to suck cock.
"When an air raid comes over,
you get on your hands and your knees
"and you get on with it
and you don't moan."
Keep calm and carry on!
I think that's what
they call oral history.
LAUGHTER
I've got an image of Micky's
grandmother saying,
"You can tell that story but can you
say it was at work or something?"
Is it about war? That war may not
sound nice to old ladies
- when they're trying to have a cup
of tea? - You're on the right lines.
I know he said something about,
"We're going to get over
and kill these Germans
"because if you don't,
they'll beat you to death
with a sock full of shit."
- That's what he said.
- He did once say that.
And if I was an old lady and I heard
that, I'd be, "Ooh, language!"
"There's no need for that,
General."
Well, I think I have to give
Micky and Robert the point.
Charles, can we have the full
quotation, please?
APPLAUSE
Patton was talking about his copious
profanity when motivating his men.
It was Patton's devotion to
military profanity which caused him
to petition so passionately
to end the war by dropping
the C-bomb on Japan.
Do you want to hear some more
of Patton's remarks?
You were absolutely right, Micky,
that he said:
How long do you think it would take
to kill someone with a sock of shit?
I think they'd end up going,
"Could you go and get something
a bit heavier, please?"
I don't think you have that option
when someone has chosen
that particularly sadistic form
of execution. You just have to wait.
It might take years.
There might be some infection
caused by the shit
that gets you in the end
rather than the impact of the sock.
So that's the end of the round.
A quick look at the scores
tells me that Micky and Robert
are in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Our next round is
the Was It Something I Said? round,
in which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll be from someone on the show
tonight or our virtual guest
Mike Tyson.
I'm afraid he can't be with us
tonight although not half as afraid
as I would be if he could.
So first up is Micky's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Richard, Miles, Charles, me
or someone we'd rather not be
mistaken for, Mike Tyson?
I don't think it's Mike Tyson.
I don't think he would think it was
"horrendous".
LAUGHTER
I think he'd just go round
and bite the man's ear off.
Definitely not yourself.
I know David has a couple of
then girlfriends
- but I can't imagine
either of their fathers forbidding
you from doing anything, really. - No.
LAUGHTER
I think this is erring towards
Charles. The sort of thing he'd say.
"Forbidding" is a little bit
old school.
Just that, you know
- You know, our fathers
- It's all right, Charles.
We're of a generation
where our fathers were all hippies
whereas the father of a young lady
you might be dating would have
been from the '30s.
LAUGHTER
The father of. I'm not saying
you're from the '30s. Jesus!
- Are you saying Charles? - I think
we're going to go for Charles.
AS CHARLES: I had a letter from
the father of my then girlfriend
forbidding me to see
his daughter ever again
Boris Johnson isn't
one of the options!
LAUGHTER
It's beautifully constructed.
"I had a letter from the father of
my then girlfriend" It's Charles.
It's Charles?
It is Charles.
APPLAUSE
What was the story there, Charles?
I and a group of people
gatecrashed a party,
I don't know,
when I was about 18 or 19,
and I was arrested for unruly
behaviour likely to cause
a breach of the peace,
section 5 of the Public Order Act
And I was arraigned
before the magistrate
and a piece appeared
in the local newspaper
and the father of my then girlfriend
wrote to me and said,
"I forbid you to see or attempt
to contact my daughter ever again."
- That's like a Bertie Wooster
type of disgrace, isn't it? - Yes.
Oh, I've dropped all my cards.
Sorry.
He got down really well there.
LAUGHTER
- Well done, Charles. You did really
well. - Thank you. Thank you.
Good lad.
APPLAUSE
Next, Richard's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Micky, Robert, Charles,
me or Mike Tyson?
Cara Shucksmith?
One member of the opposite team
looks quite bashful about this.
LAUGHTER
My gut instinct is this is Robert.
You think Charles would
remember that it was
I doubt it was as late as 13 or 14
for Charles Dance,
for heaven's sake.
AS CHARLES: The first time
I stayed the night I was eight.
LAUGHTER
She was 20, let's just clear that up!
Cara Shucksmith?
LAUGHTER
Can I have the first of your final
answers, please?
I think it's Robert.
Well, you're absolutely right.
It was Robert Webb.
APPLAUSE
What have you got to
say for yourself?
Well, it was her idea!
LAUGHTER
Yes, she had a party.
Her dad used to run a pub
and he closed the pub for the night
and let these children come to play
and her older sister showed us
how we were supposed to
She was supposed to put her hands
there and I put my hands there
and that's how you do a slow dance
and then some kissing started.
Oh, that's quite nice.
I wish that had ever happened to me!
I wish you had been her!
Saved a lot of time.
APPLAUSE
Well, I'm afraid that's all
we've got time for.
A quick look at the scores tells me
this week's winners are
Micky and Robert.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky and Robert,
Richard and Miles
and to our guest narrator,
Charles Dance.
APPLAUSE
And we leave you with some lines
by TS Eliot.
With which in mind, it only remains
for me to say welcome to the show.
Good night.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE