We Might Regret This (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

Free Da Heat.
I'm actually an artist.
Oh, my God, I'm an artist, too.
I can see that in you.
She needs 24-hour, round-the-clock
care from a professional.
You pee in the shower, don't you?
I do pee in the shower.
I'm peeing right now.
You, Jane and Levi are like
this impenetrable trio
and it always leaves me
in this really weird place.
Sam was my brother.
The one who
Yeah. Aneurysm just
Pwwwwh!
Chicken, sure! Put the fucking
skewer down! Put the skewer down.
All right, all right, all right!
You can afford to let go of me
a little bit.
I will be fine, I won't die.
I called you and, what,
your wife answers the phone?
Well
Tonight, OK? I promise you'll get
to at least third base, lights on.
I don't understand the base system,
but that is VERY exciting!
It terrifies me that you don't
know that there are three holes.
QUIETLY: I know there
are three holes.
Then why are you waving
that thing around
like a fucking virgin on prom night?
Because I don't want to hurt her,
obviously. OK, just
There you go. Ah! Ooh!
WATER TRICKLING
Have you been drinking?
I had a night-cap.
It's 7am. All right, Big Ben!
TAPPING
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't shake it
like it's a tiny plastic dick!
HE EXHALES
Skol!
Leevo. Big Leevs.
Leave it out Hi, Daniel.
How you doing, mate?
Oh, yeah, I am smashing it.
Right. Not like
Oh! Hi. Imo, have you met Levi?
Hi. He's my oldest friend.
Family friend.
It's a nice spot, isn't it?
Tonnes of heavy machinery.
Do you guys live nearby?
Oh! God, no.
No. No, no, no.
So, we saw this place on Time Out
and we just kind of fancied
a little bit of edge
for our engagement party.
Sure. Yeah, I mean, they only have
Prosecco,
which isfun.
Oh, God. Mm. Have you guys
got security
just in case any of the locals
try and get in?
So, cooking, huh?
Always knew you'd do something
different.
What's on the menu, Chef?
A risotto. Ooh! Ooh!
In Milano, they say
it should flow like lava.
Famously hard to get right.
Ah-ah, you know, it's hardly
investment banking.
Asset management. Same thing.
Ooh! It's not.
I know! I know!
Argh! It's not.
Hey, listen, erm,
don't be shy about invoicing, OK?
Dad told me about your rough patch.
Mm. Anything we can do to help.
Thank youmate.
Please, don't be embarrassed.
I know lots of people
with mental health.
Right. OK. Er, catch you in a bit.
MUTTERS: Fuck off.
Charger? Check.
Catheters? Yep.
Frittata.
Oh, it's in the hamper.
No shit stuff?
Nope. Don't need it. OK.
Did you find my red lingerie set?
Erno.
Ah, Jo!
Deep-clean it and give it back.
Abe got me that as a gift.
So, a night away, just you and Abe.
You sure you're feeling
OK about it? Yeah.
Like, I'm really looking forward
to some one-on-one time,
even if that means he gets really
acquainted with my urethra. Fair.
Plus, I think it's a good thing that
he's not here for Levi's first gig.
Time for Daddy to cut
the umbilical cord.
What about you? Just happy to help?
What with the truck?
Abe asked me to.
Since when did you ever
listen to Abe?
I also find the idea of spending
time alone with Levi terrifying.
He's not THAT bad!
What? I thought you'd be pissed
if I said no.
Plus, I'm trying to make
more of an active effort with Abe.
OhmyGod.
What?
You're fucking Levi.
SHE LAUGHS
Just kidding! Ha-ha.
Your face!
I mean, that would be so gross.
Can you imagine?
I mean, that would be like the
worst thing that you could ever do.
Don't you have some disgusting
fuck-a-thon to be getting to?
Listen to you,
you sound just like a real chef!
Now, look, today,
this a warm-up, OK?
You get today right, you could have
months of bookings lined up!
Stop pacing,
I can literally hear you pacing.
Abe! It's time to go!
OK.
Don't get hot-headed. All right?
Look, definitely
don't call anyone a cunt.
This gig was my idea!
I'm excited!
You know, I've never been away alone
with a partner before.
Really?
Yeah, I just never wanted
someone I was with
to feel like they needed to help me
pee or do my care and, besides,
I want to ensure that you fancy me
for the rest of your life.
FAINT MURMURING
You never have to worry about that.
But I'm honoured, that means a lot.
It's definitely her.
Gawkers to the right.
You want me to say something?
No. It's just classic.
Like, they've never seen a
wheelchair-user in the wild before.
It's just ignorant ableist bullshit.
FAINT LAUGHTER
MUTTERING CONTINUES
Oh, oh!
Hey, guys. What's that about?
I mean, why are you
staring at a wheelchair user?
Not very cool.
We didn't do that.
It's his fucking daughter's eating
shit in a hot sauce ad.
Ah! So, ah, you're the new girl.
Well, I should warn you,
the boss is very handsy
and there's no HR, so
OK, I'm literally just stopping by,
your dad asked me to check in, so
You good? What, you don't want to be
sous-chef?
Can I just see that you're good
and just go? Yeah, I mean, now
OK, cos this is a bad idea.
OK? It was selfish and shitty
and I am a good friend, OK?
And good friends don't sleep
with their friend's new stepsons.
I going to get that on a T-shirt.
Right. Off you fuck, then.
HE SNIFFS
Wait, you're cooking risotto?
Yes. I'm cooking a RISOTTO.
Are you high?
It's impossible to batch-cook.
OK. Thanks.
I mean, are we done here?
Because I've actually got this
completely under control.
Are you sure? Cos you don't seem
like you're Yeah.
I actually have. OK, fine. Bye!
Oh, shit! Shit! Shit, shit, shit
Fuck! Oh, my God!
Sorry. Sorry.
That's OK. Fine. I will help you
cos you need it,
but we are just colleagues OK?
These bozos won't know
it's been on the floor.
No sign of ramp guy.
What does ramp guy
actually look like?
Like a guy, but with a ramp.
Makes sense. Yeah.
Hey, surprise. Hmm?
I got us a little pregame
in the bag.
This guy? Yeah! Pop her open.
Now? Why not? OK.
We have We have time?
I mean, is it
Is it safe?
Are we going to be, er,
dealing with it in ten, 15 minutes?
I mean, maybe, but I want a drink.
OK. Boom! Well, then,
a drink you shall have.
Glasses are in the hamper.
Glasses are in the Ah.
Abe! I'm sorry. Sorry.
A lot on my mind this morning.
Seriously?! I'm sorry!
I didn't forget it on purpose,
obviously.
Why don't I get you
something from the kiosk?
Only cos you're cute.
Do you think THEY think
it's a good party?
JO AS IMO: I know you said this
place is industrial chic, Daniel,
but we look like we're in
a bloody sweat-shop!
LEVI AS DANIEL: No, no, no, no.
The man on the phone assured me
this had never been used
as an actual factory
and I'm kindly choosing
to believe him, despite his accent.
Et voila.
Aww!
They only had, er, prawn cocktail,
so that's all you're Aww!
I love it. I will find ramp guy,
if it's the last thing I do.
Please don't let it be
the last thing you do. Wish me luck.
Good luck, sir.
LEVI AS DANIEL:
Darling, I would never, ever
let you step foot inside
a place of labour.
JO AS IMO: Oh, my God, Daniel,
I love you so much!
I can't wait to get married to you.
Oh, same.
I can finally get my dick wet.
What does that mean?
THEY LAUGH
You'll find out.
Oh, my God!
JO GIGGLES
Clink! Yay!
Oh.
Can't believe you went to school
with these assholes.
Yeah, and it's a miracle
that I'm so well adjusted, actually.
Well Yeah.
What does this place even look like?
I don't know, a cottage.
Found it on Unseen Hideaways.
No images, but 50% off. Oh, OK.
Hey, I had that dream again.
Naked 5K? Yep.
Right there, enjoying my run,
suddenly everyone's
looking at me weird.
Cos your bits
are swinging in the wind.
Yeah. No, that's the point,
nothing's swinging.
Cos it's cold in my dream. Oh!
SHE LAUGHS
No, don't laugh.
I had it twice last week.
You're just stressed, it's why
we need a holiday. Yeah, well
What if this place is like some
inaccessible shithole, though. Or
Jesus Christ.
It could also look like that.
PAN SIZZLES
Mm! Hard.
Just trust the process, OK?
A few people are getting hungry.
Is that chicken even cooked through?
You sound un-confident.
Er, cautious.
Boring.
Realistic.
Horny?
Hi. You're not serving, are you?
I've had so many olives, I think
the bar's put me on the watch list.
Ah, I'm afraid not.
And if I'm honest,
I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Jo, can you not tell customers to
Oh, my.
Levi. Erm, I'll just
Hi Mae. Oh, my God!
How are you? Sorry. Yeah, good.
Just really sweating, sorry.
That's OK.
I, erm You're
Yeah. Huge. Yeah.
Mainly bar snacks.
I mean, and a baby?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
Wow. Erm, congratulations.
Thank you. I'm due next month.
It's mad.
Fuck! Yeah.
You guys go to school together?
Um Yeah.
We, we knew each other way back.
Can you tie me up?
Mymy hands are wet?
Yeah, sure.
Anyway, it was good to see you,
Levi. Just
Poke me when food's ready.
Yeah, sure.
THEY CHUCKLE
Tell me again how you found
this place. I have no idea.
Most places for disabled people
are all like,
"My grandma who was an invalid
died, want to come stay?"
But this is unreal!
Ooh! Oh, God, I'm going to check out
the bedrooms. Yeah.
Check out this bad boy.
Oh, my God, the shower is huge!
Ooh, we're definitely
having sex in there.
Where are you?
I'm just setting up the Wi-Fi.
Do you have to do that immediately?
Yeah. I just want to check in
on Levi.
Not a problem, is it?
Well, I mean, I just organised this
so we could be alone.
No Jo. No Levi.
I know, I know.
I know. I want that, too.
I justcan't switch off the fact
I have a son.
Well, obviously,
I'm not asking for that. I just
It's the first time we've been
away aloneever.
Sorry.
He's cooked risotto 1,000 times.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, you might be right.
Hey. OK, I am right. OK.
Shall I make us a pre-sex
cheeseboard? Fuck, yeah.
Fuck.
Is it flowing like lava?
Shut up!
There you go.
Dude, they're ordering in,
can't you just serve it as is?
Can't you justskim off the,
like, burnt bits and the raw bits?
Yeah, I can bring this back.
II can.
Levo?
Yes! Hey! Hi!
Getting a bit peckish, mate.
Any ETA on the riz?
Let's just call it,
like, five minutes, OK?
You did say that half an hour ago.
Yes, well, why don't you go
and talk to an oil baron
and it'll be ready when it's ready,
all right?! Yes, Chef!
Levo,
would you be super offended
if I went off and joined them
for a slice of pizza?
What? Dude, can you stop staring
at your ex-girlfriend for, like,
five seconds and focus?!
Just What is wrong with you?!
Fuck this!
Is it bad I judge people
who are allergic to cheese?
I mean, I know it's not
technically their fault
No, no, I think it is.
This is so nice.
Yeah. I did have a little
bit of a wobble
Well, a, erm
When Jo was showing me
your care before,
I did, just for a minute,
kind of hope
that you might want to stay home.
Just with Levi
and the old intrusive thoughts.
Thinking about how
I might accidentally kill you.
But But now we're here - love it.
Love it!
I can see why we needed it, too,
you know.
Just the two of us.
But the The easier part
was about my care?
No, II You know what I mean.
Not really. I think
you're focusing on the wrong part.
I think I'm focusing on the part
where this felt like
an inconvenience.
That's ridiculous.
What, you think I want you
to do my care?
When we were at the train station
and you said
we'd be dealing with that champagne
later, so don't drink it,
that that didn't suck?
Dealing with it is the bare minimum.
Yeah, but I didn't say
not to drink it. Yes, you did.
You literally said,
"We'll be dealing with that
in 15 minutes,
"so don't fucking drink!"
Where are you getting
your quotes from?
I didn't sa
I think you're wildly embellishing.
I didn't say that
and if I can just speak for myself
and not just have your side
of the story.
You are so patronising.
Just cos I'm a little older than
you, doesn't mean everything
I say is patronising!
You're doing it again!
But you just
You overuse the word.
Freya, we took the whole journey
with no problems.
And now you want to ruin it
with wilful misinterpretation
and pernicious simplification?
Come on! Oh, go fuck a thesaurus!
Honestly, you argue like you have
a fucking word count on!
Did it impress Jane?
Cos it does nothing for me.
I am bone fucking dry.
Wow.
Well, you can fuck right off.
You fuck off!
OK.
All right.
Shall we take a little time out?
I think you're clearly worked up.
What?!
MUFFLED MUSIC BLASTS
Dad's going to be so pissed.
Just blame it on me.
He'll find a way to do it anyway.
She isn't my ex.
Mae.
She was Sam's.
They were, like,
childhood sweethearts,
they went out for a year,
right up until he died,
but, of course, back then,
that felt like forever.
And I know I'm going to sound
like a really selfish prick
for saying this, but I couldn't
believe how happy she was.
Like, how moved on.
And pregnant. I mean, Christ!
That slut.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I think the weirdest thing for me
is that nothing stopped that year.
Sam died, but everybody else
just carried on, moving forward.
Except us.
You know, when he died,
Mum made us risotto every night.
She said that the stirring
sort of busied her hands
and kept her mind off,
you know, the grief.
It was the first thing
I ever learned to cook.
And you still can't make it.
THEY LAUGH
No.
Do you know what I was doing
before I came here?
Nothing.
I was just waiting to leave,
like I always do.
When I was a kid, I was kind of
hot potatoed between aunts
and grandparents and strangers.
It's like a carousel
of stopping and starting.
New place, new school, new bed.
I mean, I know people are like,
"Oh, it's Jo! She's so much fun,
she's wild."
But, really, it's just hard work,
a lot of leaving people,
leaving places,
and starting all over again,
and it's just
..really, really fucking lonely.
Well, I like you being here.
Works for now.
I'll take for now.
Hey!
Fuck the van. Let's have fun.
What?
Yeah.
Wait, are you sure?
You don't have to.
No, no, no, no. Fuck it.
Ah! Mm! Come on. Let's go. Fuck it.
AS IMO: Oh, my God, yay!
I'm the asshole?!
I'm the asshole for pointing out
you have an unhealthy obsession
with your son?!
Abe, honestly, he needs some space!
Just He's fucking
screaming for it! All right.
You want to talk about
unhealthy relationships?
Fucking hell, of course. Yeah.
Scapegoat's arrived! Abe's
projecting his insecurities again.
So, what? First it's Ty,
now it's Jo. How convenient!
Stop using your best friend
as a buffer between us!
Like a bird. Oh.
No! You have to suck! Oh!
You're not actively sucking!
OK, OK! Do it over.
No!
LEVI COUGHS
I'm sorry, my mum's just
teaching me how to smoke. Hi.
I told you you had mummy issues.
Yeah, well, you know,
I really love a woman who leaves.
Shut the fuck up!
You're obsessed with me.
You're obsessed with me.
You're obsessed with me.
You know what your problem is?
What What is my problem?
You're wearing it!
You know why?
Cos you dress like a liberal,
but you act like a conservative
and that's the worst type.
Could be worse though, couldn't it?
I mean, I could be a hot sauce model
pretending to be an artist!
At least I'm not afraid
of my own ball sack.
Yeah,
even your anxiety dreams are basic.
CLATTERING
Careful,
there's loads of sharp objects.
Listen, I know you think
it's really cool and modern
and whatever to come and tell me
every time you've been
actively flirting with someone,
but guess what?
I fucking hated that!
I'm sorryfor
OPENLY COMMUNICATING!
JO LAUGHS, LEVI PANTS
Oh, fuck!
You know what that is?
Yeah. Oh, I know what that is,
but that's not what
you were doing, is it?
You came and you told that
because it makes you feel powerful.
SHE GROANS
Am I right, am I right?
This time you're actually wrong.
No, I think I'm.
JO MOANS
OK, OK!
BREATHLESSLY: Stop, stop, stop!
I'm sorry.
SOFT SMASHING, CLATTERING
I could do the same thing,
by the way.
You know? Guess what?
I flirt all the time.
For example, the girl
at the Starbucks where I work,
she puts little hearts in my coffee
every time I go in there.
Do I come running back to you
and openly communicate that fact?
No, I don't.
A heart? Really? Maybe you two
are meant to be together.
Sh!
THEY LAUGH
Fucking
LAUGHS: I'm sorry.
Fuck you, this is your
fucking fault. Oh!
Yeah. You knew from the minute
we met that I had PAs
and if you could just get over
Jo being around
Oh, yeah. ..it might be easier
for all of us.
Yeah, I'll just get over Jo.
It's I'll just
I'll take that, shall I?
THEY MOAN
No, not yet, not yet, not yet!
Oh, I think it's
bloody reasonable about Jo.
I mean, II can give you
unrelaxed, if you want.
THEY MOAN
Un-relaxed might be, um,
maybe she doesn't have to join us
for all three meals of the day.
How's that? Is that unrelaxed?
Unrelaxed would be, uh
..would be voicing the fact that
you seem biased towards anything
she has to say at any given moment.
Oh, fuck! Oh! I'm
Relaxed Abe, be
Abe, be quiet.
No, I don't want to be quiet,
I'm on a roll! Hear me out.
Unrelaxed would be simply
acknowledging the fact
that she fucking hates me, has done
since the beginning and I
I don't think I'm
FREYA GROANS
Hey, whoa! Are you OK?
Are you cramping?
Is it a spasm?
SHE GROANS
Freya?
I think I think I'm shitting.
I think I'm shitting myself.
What?
I'm shitting myself.
Um, don't look. Huh?
It's happening. OK.
I'm go I'm We
I'm going to I'll call Jo.
Oh, fuck Jo! OK. Yeah.
Erm, listen. No. It's OK, I'll
This is so embarrassing!
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not embarrassing.
No, I mean, it was
Listen, darling, it's not. Listen
Obviously the train station
sandwich
Just It's OK, though.
Get away! OK. OK.
It's It's only
Don't even look at me! Turn around!
What? Yeah. All right.
It's mortifying! OK.
Sitting in shit,
arguing with my boyfriend.
Er
OK.
All right.
What are you doing?
I'm, er
I'm going to go for a quick run.
What? Yeah.
Just going to go for a run.
UNZIPPING
Naked 5K?
Naked 5K. Well, naked half K,
looking at that.
In fact, if you do an embarrassment,
I'm doing it with you.
SHE CHUCKLES
No. Come on. Oh.
Come on, give me some of that.
All right. Time me. OK? Here we go!
On your marks, get set,
here we go! Go!
Can you pass me my underwear?
Mm?
QUIETLY: Ahh!
You don't ever have to be
embarrassed in front of me, OK?
That never needs to happen.
Now, we're going to go
in that shower
and then we're going to go to bed
with a nice glass of wine each.
And we're going to forget how awful
we were to each other earlier.
OK? Hm-mm. OK.
I am still sitting in my shit.
# Electric vacation
# Electric vacation
# Electric vacation
# Electric vacation
# Electric vacation. #
ELECTIRCITY ZINGS
LIGHT GROAN