Weird City (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Essentials for a successful brunch Above The Line; - Fresh organic produce - "Toasts" of some kind - In-depth knowledge of prestige television - Trendy toe shoes - and of course, Virtue Signaling Chonathan & Mulia & Barsley & Phephanie (CHONATHAN): I am so glad we could all get together for this brunch.
Mulia and I really missed seeing you guys.
Yes, Chonathan and I are so glad to finally have you over to see the changes to our house.
We feel the flow is much better, now that our walls are entirely organic.
Phephanie and I are so glad to see you guys, and see what you've done with this place.
- Aren't we, Foofy? - Please don't call me that.
Uh, I brought an organic cantaloupe from our cantaloupe trellis in the backyard.
Please, cut some.
- Oh, wow! - Uh-huh.
Maybe later.
It's organic I'm focusing on a completely flesh-free diet, so anything that has a flesh-like exterior, it's not on the table.
- Oh, wow, that is amazing.
- I know.
I just think it's so great what you're doing.
It is.
It is great.
It is great.
You know what I've been doing, I've been picking up trash along the Line.
Just in my down time.
It is so spiritually empowering.
Oh wow, that's great.
Are you doing both sides of the Line? (SNIFFING) Hmm? Are you Also going to the other side of the Line, Below the Line? And then picking up trash from there? (POURING DRINK) Let's toast.
Using my locally sourced, home-brewed, pumpkin lavender ale! To those less fortunate than us.
(GLASSES CLINKING) Hmm.
How are the avocado finger toasts? Avocado is fleshy, so I wouldn't know.
I've been putting an effort into just being kind to everyone.
Even store clerks and waiters.
I've been posting about my opinions on social media.
If a politician disagrees with what I have to say, I make sure he hears it by retweeting like 40, 50 times.
You know what I heard? I heard that Palph and Plisa sponsored a kid from Below the Line.
They just send him a few credits every month, to help the kid buy tablets for school, and you know, socially acceptable toe shoes.
I've seen those commercials, with the sad music and the awful conditions those Below the Line kids live in.
Steffi.
Play the commercial.
(STEFFI): Okay, Phephanie.
(SAD MUSIC, ALL SINGING ALONG) When a child says "Mommy I'm hungry" And you know that You want to do good Do you just walk away 'Cause you're busy today Or send credits like You know you should Sending credits makes You feel so good (MUSIC STOPPING) That is just so good! And great, of Plisa and Palph.
Yes, so good.
So great! It's a little impersonal though.
Right? Wait, what? I mean, they're sending credits.
I'm sorry, but that's a little impersonal.
- Yes! - Yes.
- Right! - Right.
What Below the Line kids need is contact.
Love! Yes! Yeah, absolutely! They're doing it wrong, completely wrong! Love them so much, though.
Yeah, they're amazing, but yes, they're doing it wrong.
The morally correct thing to do is to spend some real face-to-face time with some poor, Below the Line kids.
I mean really, we all should.
Right? I mean, what Palph and Plisa think they're better than us? Yes, they do.
But they aren't.
Because we're gonna go Below the Line, and find a kid to sponsor.
Right now! (UPBEAT MUSIC) Okay.
Sure.
I'm gonna bring the cantaloupe, for hunger later.
So, I don't wanna say this to any way signal that I'm scared, because I'm absolutely in no way scared, but just for conversation sake, I will let you know that I have never been Below the Line.
I'm not scared either.
No need to worry, or be scared.
I have been Below the Line.
Know it very well, as a matter of fact.
Love it down there.
So vibrant.
(AUTOMATED VOICE): Enter Below the Line at your own risk.
You know what? It just occurred to me.
If we ride our bikes Below, how are we gonna bring our sponsee back? There's no room on the bikes.
No room? Absolutely no room.
Just to make it clear, Chonathan, are you sure that's not because you don't want to be riding your bikes down Below the Line? Of course not.
This is a totally practical point.
The kid is from Below the Line, he might not even know what a bike is.
He may think it's some sort of animal predator.
I don't want him to be scared.
Listen, I'm famished from this bike ride.
Anybody want to dig into this cantaloupe? We're not gonna walk down there, are we? (CAR DOOR CLOSING) Should we (CLICKING TONGUE) You're not stealing a van! The virtue of our mission of mercy overrides the moral ambiguity of taking the van.
"Can't start a revolution without lighting a match.
" Marlo Umfree.
You can't start a revolution without breaking some eggs.
He always has to be right.
No, it's not right.
(SIRENS, DOG BARKING) (DWARD): Go! Move it along! (O-SHELL): Move it along! Let's go! (BARSLEY): This place is so vibrant.
Art is made on walls here? (CHONATHAN): No, Barsley.
That's called "graffiti".
They can't afford tablets, so they just write on the walls.
(MULIA, BARSLEY): Ohh! What kind of yoga is that? (PHEPHANIE): Looks like just regular hatha yoga.
I think he's in shavasana it right now.
Where are the children in need? Is there a bin full of them somewhere? Let's find out.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) What is that? They put their clothes into machines full of water, and it's just spinning around.
Oh! Is this some kind of theme park? No, Phephanie, those are called "laundromats".
You see, people Below the Line are forced to wash their own clothes.
(ALL, DISGUSTED): Oh Okay, well what is that? That place with the giant "T" on it? (CHONATHAN): That's not a "T", it's a crucifix.
It's a symbol of their religion.
Aw, they have religion? Sad! It comforts and guides them through life, we're so lucky we have an app for that.
There but for the grace of Steffi go I.
Houses? Barsley, did you get us lost? We're back Above the Line.
Actually, Phephanie, Below the Line, they have neighborhoods just like we do You know what? I'm just thinking this right now, in fact, I might be the first person to think this, but in a lot of ways, people Below the Line are no different than us.
It's almost like they're people too.
We never would've learned this if we'd just sent credits like low-morality Palph and Plisa.
I mean, Below the Liners are almost like us.
- They have houses, they walk around.
- Exactly.
And where's the best place to find a poor kid? A house.
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) Is that primitive yard art? They're child accoutrements.
- A poor kid lives here! - (ALL GASPING) (SQUEALING IN EXCITEMENT) Oh.
(BARSLEY): Aw, he seems good.
Seems good? He's perfect! I wanna sponsor him.
I wanna sponsor him right now! I hope he likes cantaloupes.
- Let's get him.
- Okay.
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING) Hey, guy.
We're here to sponsor you! (PATTING LEG) C'mon, buddy! Come on! What's your name? Um, Oliver.
You can't just walk into people's houses.
Ooliver? What a great name! Dad! No, he's not your dad.
We're here to sponsor you! Dad! Some weird people just walked into the house! Yeah, you can call me Dad if you really wanna.
This cantaloupe is organic! I love you so much! (RAY): Hey! - Get the hell out of here! - (ALL SCREAMING) - You okay? - Yeah.
I'm okay.
What the hell was that? (DOG BARKING, SIRENS WAILING) Jeff? Detective Girth Haddock.
I've been assigned to your stolen van case.
Nice to meet you.
A detective? For a stolen van? This is by far the worst crime committed Above the Line in a really long time.
But don't worry.
I'll put out an immediate APB, and we'll find these scum.
That's great, thank you.
I guess the game has begun.
(DRAMATIC UPBEAT MUSIC) You okay? Hmm? Yeah, I'm just trying to remember where I parked my car.
(GIRTH): Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop! Stop! (BRAKES SQUEALING) (WOMAN): Great, thanks so much.
(MAN): Thank you.
(CHONATHAN): We're in luck.
These are known as "long-meats".
Very popular Below the Line.
(LOUDLY): Four long-meats please! Steffi, check my Don't-put-that-in-your-mouth app, for Below the Line food.
(STEFFI): All food Below the Line is potentially toxic.
But eating here does have character building social merit These long-meats look so authentic! What's wrong, Mulia? The long-meats too good for you to handle? I can't seem to enjoy anything, ever since we lost Ooliver.
(BASKETBALL DRIBBLING) Ooliver! Shh, shh, shh! Everyone get in the van.
I have a plan.
Hey! Cut it out! Hey! Let me out of this van! - (CHONATHAN): Go, go, go! - (OLIVER): Stop! (ALL LAUGHING) He's so perfect! Would you like some cantaloupe, sport? It's organic.
- Who are you texting, buddy? - Weirdos from house KIDNAPPED me.
Telling my dad I got kidnapped.
What? No! We're not kidnapping you.
I'm pretty sure if you lock a kid that's not yours in a van, it's called kidnapping.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, so precocious! Aw, he already hates me! We're sponsoring you.
We want to show you what happiness looks like.
And just for a few hours.
You'll be home by supper.
No not kidnapped, SPONSORED.
Be home by supper.
(BARSLEY): We're gonna get you so much bigger than you already are.
(PHEPHANIE): But not too big.
(BRAKES SQUEALING) (O-SHELL): ID? (SCANNING ID) Is that your child? - No.
- Yes.
To clarify, he's not our biological child.
We just put him in a van, and we're taking him home.
We're sponsoring him.
Organic cantaloupe? Whatever.
Go ahead.
O-Shell.
I just got an APB on a stolen delivery van.
Have you seen anything? Nope.
Next! (OLIVER): I've never been Above the Line before.
The air is really clean.
Sure is, buddy.
And your palm trees are green, too.
And the truck we passed was re-paving a street that looked like it just got paved! They didn't re-pave our street, even after the sinkhole opened up.
That's terrible! (SNIFFING) Yep.
These are delivery van tire marks.
I would know.
My father was a delivery van driver.
Uh-huh (DOOR CLOSING) Thank God.
Girth Haddock.
Police detective.
Thanks for coming.
You kidding? I'd do anything to save a van.
I called the cops about my kid being abducted.
A kidnapping and a van theft? (CHUCKLING): Crazy day.
You know what, I wouldn't normally do this, but I'm gonna fold your kidnapping case into my stolen van investigation.
- Thanks, are you a cop? - Sorry.
- That's Jeff, the delivery driver.
- Hey.
You know, these van thieves they don't think like you and me.
They're sick in the head.
They can't wait to get their greasy palms around the wheel of that van, and take control like they don't have at home! Did I mention my father was a delivery van driver? - Yeah, you did.
- I did, okay.
You know what? Here.
My kid has been texting me, do you wanna track his phone? You kidding? That's exactly what they'd think we'd do.
So what are we going to do? We're gonna stay one step ahead, just like a game of chess.
Consider me and Jeff, the delivery van driver, showing up, bishop to rook six.
Crack the goddamn phone.
Track the text, Jeff.
(JEFF): I don't know how to do that.
Jeff doesn't know how to track texts.
This is the softest couch I've ever sat on! - Nice! - (ALL CHUCKLING) So So what do we do with him now? We should take pictures of ourselves with Ooliver, to show our friends how much we're helping him.
And to motivate them to take action.
Why is the middle toe of your shoes missing? Oh, well, it (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - circulation.
- The conduit to the eighth shakra.
It just looks cool.
Yes, we have one of the best collections of screen-saver art in the city.
I miss my dad.
Oh, he's sad.
I got this, guys.
I've been going to therapy machines for years, I'm best equipped to talk to a neglected child.
I'm not neglected.
My dad takes care of me.
Mm-hmm? Clear the room, please.
This is my crying closet.
It's where you can go to take a break from the world, and let your emotions out.
Come on, try it! I don't need to cry right now.
I'm actually kind of having fun! Even though you guys are weird.
Yes, you do need to cry, Ooliver.
You need to release your trauma.
I want you to tell me about yourself, no detail is too disturbing.
I can help.
Um Well I live with my dad.
- And he abuses you.
- No.
I love my dad.
He's really cool.
He's raised me on his own ever since my mom died in that sinkhole accident.
I was pretty young.
But I do sometimes think about her.
Oh, my God.
That reminds me so much of Chonathan! He's always telling me what to do, you've noticed that, right? I just I need to be self-actualized, and I don't know if I can do that with Chonathan, he just can be so cold sometimes.
Do you know that we haven't had sex in seven months?! - Have you tried talking to him? - Talking?! No! What do you know, you're just a kid.
(SOBBING) (SOBBING LOUDLY) Dad I'm BORED.
Can you pick me up? The address is I gotta get its scent on me.
You left me a trail of breadcrumbs to follow, didn't you? You van thieves thought you could outrun the long arm of the law, but you can't! 'Cause this van didn't want to leave its daddy! - (PHONE CHIMING) - Great! Oliver just texted me the address.
I know where my son is.
You bring me to your son I'll bring you to your van.
You got a car? I took one of those scooter rentals here.
- Yeah, right here, the white one - Great, I'll drive.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, I got it! - No, no! - I got it.
I'll drive! - You're not driving my car, man.
- Okay, I'll take shotgun.
(JEFF): No, my legs are longer.
Okay, I'll hop in the back.
(CHONATHAN): Hey, Ooliver! Brought my home-brew kit, so I could teach you how to brew some beers.
Smell these hops.
They smell weird! I agree, they smell great.
Get you drunk, too.
(CLEARING THROAT) So Did Mulia mention me during you guys' therapy sessions? I don't know if you noticed, but she tends to complain about me behind my back.
You know? She just wants so much attention.
I just had sex with her seven months ago, what else does she want? That's great, Chonathan, just great! Pitting Ooliver against me?! It's not like you weren't doing the same thing! I think it's time that we got some time with Ooliver.
Ooliver - What do you want to do, buddy? - I'm kinda hungry.
Oh, great, okay.
Why don't you come and eat with me? My Don't-put-that-in-your-mouth app just alerted me to a brand new diet, where you receive all of your nutrients through air and sunlight.
It works something like this, here we go.
(EXHALING, MOANING) Okay, you know what? Me and Ooliver are gonna brew some beers.
What is wrong with you? He is just a child! Do you know how much gluten there is in beer? Oh, I am so sorry, Phephanie, that we're not feeding him rainbows and sunshine! Or is that not okay with your app?! I don't know! (OVERLAPPING SHOUTING) (MULIA CRYING): Stop it, stop it, stop it! We shouldn't fight like this in front of the child! You're gonna be okay.
It's okay.
You're okay.
You're okay Can we watch some TV? Of course.
Ha! Of course! You know what? This is a great time to introduce you to some prestige television.
Yes.
You're gonna love it.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) This is what we call prestige television, you are going to love this.
(BEEPING) (GASPING) (MOANING) (MOANING, GRUNTING) (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) Yo, why we gotta be waiting out on these corners? I hear Above the Line, they got texting services for schnootzy.
- They don't need no copping zones! - Man, that's bullshit! What if the rollers be tapping your phone? You use codes, and shit.
Your head too full of dreams.
Gonna get you dead one day! Maybe.
But not today, foo! (DRAGON ROARING) Splinter's coming! Run! (INTENSE MUSIC, SCREAMING) (DRAGON SHRIEKING) Ah, incredible! To see your experience captured like that.
I can't believe you have to live through that every single day.
So, what'd you think? Realer than reality, right? Except for the dragons, we know the dragons are just a metaphor for poverty, there's no actual dragons Below the Line.
I didn't watch it.
Oh, you know what? It really picks up after season seven, so you just gotta tear through the first 300 episodes.
Okay.
I have to go.
My dad's gonna pick me up soon.
I have to get home and do my homework.
What? Are we not good enough for you?! After all we did? Not even a thank you? You know what? If it wasn't for you and Mulia, arguing in front of him the whole time, he wouldn't be running away right now.
Oh, like you and Phephanie's relationship is just so good.
Excuse me, what are you insinuating? Phephanie, you're clearly starving your feelings, and not addressing any of the underlying emptiness that pervades your existence.
And it's like, Barsley, do you literally have any other personality trait, other than that cantaloupe? What?! Yes! I have these glasses.
(OVERLAPPING ARGUING) You know what? Glasses aren't a trait.
(INTENSE MUSIC) (GRUNTING) Thanks.
Thanks for driving.
Boom! There's our van.
Ha-ha! Now there's just one thing left to do.
- Get my son back.
- Bring these van thieves to justice.
We're gonna need an "infil" plan.
Dad, you flank the place.
Inverted wedge formation, wait for my signal before you commit, wait for my signal! Jeff.
You're gonna take the back.
Triple-I formation.
Watch your six.
Keep your eyes on your six.
Keep your eyes on your six.
These van thieves are ruthless, Jeff! (INDISTINCT ARGUING) - Oliver? - (ALL SHOUTING) Come on, come on! (GLASS SHATTERING) Freeze, you van-stealing sickos! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING) No! My cantaloupe! (SOBBING): Who am I? Oh God, please.
No.
Get it in there, get it in there.
Come on! Officers, cuff 'em.
(OFFICER): Right this way.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) You four are under arrest for stealing a van.
- And kidnapping.
- Right.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say or do will be uploaded to the cloud.
You have the right to an attorney app.
Okay, we didn't kidnap him.
We were sponsoring him! They don't need to go to jail, do they? They didn't hurt me, or anything.
They stole a van, kid.
This is what happens when you do that.
I would know.
My dad was a delivery driver.
Wish we could spend more time together, but There's probably another van getting stolen somewhere.
Yeah, we're all set.
If you ever wanna hang out, or something, get a beer - No.
We're all set, thank you.
- Good luck.
Yeah, appreciate it.
You okay, Oliver? Yeah, I'm good, Dad.
It was fun.
And I learned a lot.
Did you know they eat sunshine Above the Line? I did not.
But I bet sunshine doesn't taste as good as ice cream! (LAUGHING) - That's what you get! - Aw, it was broken! The whole thing's broken! Mmm.
Mmm.
Are you gonna eat that? Do you mind if I just take a quick bite? It's real good.
I think I was transferring my feelings towards my absent father onto Chonathan.
Ooliver offered me a chance to finally break that pattern.
He's my best friend.
I do think I was a good mother to him.
Hello, Barsley.
You've been a bad boy! But we're here to sponsor you.
(WOMAN): It's the new Adopt a Prisoner Program! We brought you a cantaloupe.
It's organic.
(MAN): Yum, yum! When a child says "Mommy, I'm hungry" Tap to send credits SPONSOR A CHILD BELOW THE LINE And you know that you want to do good Do you just walk away 'Cause you're busy today Sending credits makes you feel so good