Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - (BIRDS CHIRPING) - Popcorn.
'Cause it's Crappy Movie Night, y'all.
Oh.
Shrub and I have been doing this every Friday night since we were in high school.
We get a ton of snacks, and we watch a stupid movie.
Yeah, like, last week, we watched this really old one called Citizen Kane.
Guess what.
No Kane and no Batman.
And no color.
How dumb is that? But we've got a really good one for tonight.
Yeah, it's called The Notebook.
(CHUCKLES) A movie about a pad of paper.
Probably some stupid Pixar thing.
- Like, how lame is that? - It's gonna be hilarious.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (CRIES) This movie's so stupid.
(SNIFFLES) Shut up, would you? ♪ Um, so, big news.
Beth has a date with someone on Friday.
- Guess who.
- Death.
Me.
Um, I broke into my sandwich-press fund, and it turns out, I have enough money to take her to Flatch's hottest date place.
You're taking her to China Wok? - Yep.
- She doesn't deserve a feast like that! Okay.
Someone's jealous.
No, I'm not, okay? I just can't believe you're abandoning me on Crappy Movie Night to hang out with the human yawn.
It's like saying you can't go to Disneyland 'cause you'd rather go hang out in a shed.
- "Oh, it could be fun.
" - It's a date, dude.
What is this? - A new store.
- (BELL CHIMES) A vaping and magic shop? Yeah, that's not completely weird.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Lame.
MICKEY: Hey, bros.
Can you believe it? Three of my favorite things in one place The magical arts and my two magical friends! (CHUCKLES) Can you believe how cool this is? It's so totally awesome! So, Dylan used to be a magician when we were friends in grade school.
He performed at my grandma's nursing home when she was still alive.
His tricks were all so small, and their eyes were so bad, so no one could see what he was doing.
- Ta-da! - (APPLAUSE) - But he was super cute.
- Whoop, whoop! So they would just come and stare at him to forget they were old.
I love magic.
I even won the talent show in high school.
But then everyone started calling me "Abraca-Dork.
" Then Nadine suggested that I stop doing magic, and so I did.
'Cause she's the boss.
(CHUCKLES) - (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Oh, got to run.
Can't be late to Grandma's bridge club.
- (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, Smokus Pocus is proud to present Murray Hillman! Guess what.
That's me.
Hey, hold your applause till now.
Thank you.
Look at this, kids, the crystal tube.
- Behold, $5.
99 - Crystal tube, classic.
Totally classic.
All right, and you stick your fingers in here.
Not two fingers, kids.
You got to be careful.
Why don't you do magic anymore? You used to be so good at it.
Nadine thinks it's dumb.
She's probably right.
Not if you love it, she's not.
Yeah, I do kind of miss it.
(CHUCKLES) Then you should do it again.
I could be your assistant.
We could do it at the retirement home like you used to do.
No, no.
Nadine would kill me.
Whoo! Hey, hey, there we go.
Although she is out of town this week.
Oh, yeah.
My sorority sisters and I put together this Babes and Babies glamping trip.
It's pretty cute.
It's really fun we just get out here in nature, let our hair down, bring our babies.
It's so fun.
I still got a hotel room, though, 'cause, you know, bugs.
- (THUNK) - Whoa! Look at that, huh? I bet all the old people you used to entertain back then really miss you.
Well, I bet they're probably all dead by now.
- (SCOFFS) Dark.
- Okay, well, then there's a whole bunch of new old people who are forgotten and lonely.
Think about how happy you'd make them.
You know what? You're right.
Let's do it! I think it's a wonderful idea, you two.
A very selfless act.
I'm proud of you both.
Father Joseph, do you know that there is a shop in our town that specializes in black magic? Smokus Pocus? Ah, no, they're fine.
I mean, I don't really approve of their smoking devices, but the magic tricks they sell are a lot of fun.
Father Joe, as a man of the cloth, I demand that you drive that shop and the Satan worshipper who runs it out of town! (WHISPERING) June's mad.
(GRUNTS) Check it.
Superhero tie.
Saw one of these bad boys online, but it cost too much money, so I took matters into my own hands.
Repurposed some old bedsheets from when I was a kid.
Beth is gonna see me wearing this in my suit? Oh, she's about to fall harder than Nick does for Allie in Notebook.
Why is there a ballerina on it? It it's not a ballerina.
That it's Mystery Man.
You know we couldn't afford Batman! (MATCH SCRATCHES) DYLAN: All it takes is a little magic.
KELLY: Oh, my God! DYLAN: It's been really fun reconnecting with Kelly.
She and I used to have fun all the time when we were kids.
I don't feel like I have that much fun anymore.
Not that Nadine isn't fun.
It's just, uh It's a different kind of fun.
What's my definition of fun? Oh, cleaning out the attic.
(LAUGHS) I don't even bring a vacuum up.
I just do it all with my hands.
Whoo-whoo! (LAUGHS) Are you jealous? - Dylan! - (DYLAN LAUGHS) You're so much better than you were in high school! Man, I I really miss doing this stuff.
Thanks for talking me into it, Kelly.
So what does your assistant do? You just bring each trick out, and then you take each one back when I finish.
- With a little style? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's it! That's perfect.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then you bring it to me.
- Thank you.
- Sir.
And we're there.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Ooh, this is gonna be so good! I miss hanging out with you, Kelly.
My God.
- Me more.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) NADINE: (THROUGH RINGTONE) Dylan, pick up your phone.
Dylan, pick up your phone.
Nadine, hey.
I'm working on something in the garage.
How's the glamping going, babe? I heard Dylan is doing a magic show at the home this Friday.
I want to entertain those old people, too.
Um, hello, Mandy.
Uh, that's great.
What, uh, what do you do? I'm an insult comedian.
- Insult comedian? - Yeah, like, "Your face looks like a cow's ass.
" (LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's clever.
But, uh, it might not be right for the retirement crowd.
Yeah, I figured you'd say that.
I can sing, too.
Really? What kind of songs? All kinds.
Can you sing a nice, uplifting hymn? Yeah, I can definitely do that.
Excellent.
Let's do that instead.
Okay.
Repent! Repent! (DOOR OPENS, BELL CHIMES) - Repent! - Oh, crazy old broad.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Hey, what can I get you? Bubblegum vape juice, half off today only.
I actually need some flash paper for my dove pan.
What do you need the flash paper for? You doing a kids' party or what? Retirement home.
Uh, the dove pan is my big finish.
No, kid, come on.
They're gonna laugh you right out of there if you end with the pan.
Listen, you want to send them back to their rooms with a showbiz bang.
The Zig Zag Lady! The best finale in the business! You got an assistant? That's me.
I'm the assistant.
Oh, excellent.
Hop on in here, toots.
KELLY: I can see a world where Dylan and I get famous for doing our act.
I'm inspiring him to be his best.
He needs that.
Can you imagine being married to Nadine? She'd inspire me to live in the crawl space under their house.
And there are, like, a lot of possums under there.
- Oh! - Oh, oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Whoo-hoo! - Pow, pow! - Can I get can I see? I thought it was a mirror.
Poor Dylan.
I think, like, I make him better.
- Showbiz, bitches! - (LAUGHS) Hey, I like this girl.
She's a pip! This would be amazing to end the show with, but, uh - it's got to cost a fortune.
- Oh, kid, come on.
Don't worry about it.
I like to inspire new talent, and, clearly, I need all the advertising help I can get.
Look, I'll make a deal with you, all right? You kids tell all your friends about Smokus Pocus, and I'll loan you this for the night, huh? - Deal.
- Deal, all right! - Deal.
- Okay.
- Deal! - All right, great, great.
The key to dressing up is to always leave something a little messy.
It's what the Italians call sprezzatura, which I read all about in a magazine I found on the street.
Okay, so you know how you see my tie knot is just a little off? Sprezzatura.
Oh, also, picked up this bad boy at Smokus Pocus today.
Basically, you put a dollar in it, you close it, you pull it back out, it's gone.
Close it again, pull it back out, the dollar is there.
Beth is gonna fall hard, because Murray told me that girls go crazy for little magic tricks.
Hey, I got to pay my rent, don't I? Nobody vapes in this fakakta town.
So where are we going? I hope you like international cuisine.
- Oh, I do! - Mm.
Do we have to cross an ocean to get there? Nope, it's right here in Flatch.
- I thought you hated Flatch.
- I do.
But I'm man enough to admit that you have the best and only Chinese food in the area, so feel free to show me off to whoever you want as payback for our town stealing your sign.
I can take it.
JOE: Look, Murray, I just want everyone to get along, okay? So can you just go out there and tell her that you're not a devil worshipper? - How do you know I'm not? - Are you? Oh, you got something on your shirt.
(LAUGHS) Showbiz! Of course I'm not, padre.
Come on! Let me go talk to the old tomato, all right? All right.
(BELL CHIMES) June? Murray wants you to know that he has only the best intentions for Flatch.
No, he doesn't.
We don't need his black magic in our town.
Maybe not, but you look like you could use - a red rose.
- (GASPS) - JOE: Wow! - Oh, my.
June, that was amazing, wasn't it? Oh, no, I'm not falling for that.
Get thee behind me, Satan! Well, I'd try, but there's something - already there.
- (GASPS) - JOE: Oh-ho! - (CHUCKLES) Oh, now, you stop that! Only if you stop being so beautiful.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) - Jackpot! - (BOTH LAUGH) JOE: Wow! Hey! Do me, do me, do me! Father, I'm not gonna do you.
- See, June? Murray's a good guy.
- I'm good.
Well, that was rather charming.
Now, my dear, are you familiar with the concept of vaping? What kind of food is this? It's Chinese.
So good.
Everything on this menu sounds weird.
Oh, uh, do you like magic? Hey, bros! - This is crazy! (CHUCKLES) - Oh, God.
Fancy meeting you two here.
Yeah, it's a real surprise.
I hope you both have a great dinner.
Hey, do you mind if we join you? No, come on in.
Capital! (CHUCKLES) And I was worried I'd have to talk to this character all night.
- (CHUCKLES) - Snore! (BOTH LAUGHING) Ah, got ya! The next number is the one that we all - love to hear our doctor say.
- ALL: B-9! That's right.
B-9.
PERSON: Bingo! You going out in a bathrobe? No, I just don't want to give away my look to the audience before I go on.
- It's a showbiz thing.
- All right, everyone.
We have a special treat tonight for our break.
Mandy Matthews is gonna uplift us with a hymn.
- Mandy? - (APPLAUSE) Thanks, everybody.
This hymn is very special to me because it's an original that I wrote earlier this afternoon.
Make your life righteous ♪ Keep your faith strong ♪ Cast off your sorrows ♪ Sing praise with your song ♪ Always do good deeds ♪ Show love to the sick ♪ Or you won't get into Heaven ♪ You dumb [BLEEP.]
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) MICKEY: So the professor says, "It was Kierkegaard," to which I reply, "Well, at least he didn't let his Kierkegaard down.
" (LAUGHTER) Um, I-I dropped a cherry bomb down the toilet in seventh grade, and it made water shoot out of the sink in the girls' bathroom.
Someone could've gotten really hurt.
Uh (WHISPERING) Shrub, your tie's crooked.
Yeah, it's sprezzatura, Mickey.
Everybody ready to order? Yes, um, I will be ordering for the lady and me.
Um, we are gonna have the Kung Pao shrimp, sweet and sour pork, an order of spring rolls, and some fried rice, please.
I don't eat any of that.
Oh, um did you maybe see something you did want or? - No.
- Maybe we can make you something special.
Can I have some steamed chicken? No sauce or rice or vegetables or salt or anything.
Beth's food issues are so cute.
Um, like, I don't think I'd ever, ever get tired of this.
So what's the deal with all the riddles, anyway? Mm, mm.
Even though I love destinations, my favorite part is the journey to get there.
And so the more fun and winding I can make the trip to things that I've truly been looking forward to, the more appreciative I am once I've arrived.
Like tonight.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) - Oh, my God.
- BETH: Wow! (SPEAKING CHINESE) Oh, uh, Beth.
Uh, do you want to see a trick? - Okay.
- You're gonna love it.
Just one sec.
Oh, uh, does anyone have a dollar I can borrow? - Mm-mm.
- I don't have any money.
I only use plastic, my bro.
Paper money is filthy.
Thank you for nothing, Mickey.
I will use my 20.
Now you see it - Now you don't.
- (GASPS) - Ah! - Ha.
- Pretty cool, huh? - Wow.
- SHRUB: Yeah.
- That's amazing! Yeah.
Make it reappear.
One sec.
Well, hey, I say good riddance to that germ-covered Jackson, right? Remember when you taught me how to make animals out of napkins? Wha Yeah, um, Mickey's always try Asking me to teach him things.
Like when you taught me how to make a dog.
(CHUCKLES) - And there we go.
- (LAUGHTER) - Ruff, ruff, ruff! - That's so cute.
I taught him that.
- Oh, now you do one, Shrub.
- What? Remember when you taught me how to make a rabbit? That was fifth grade, dude.
Sure.
That doesn't look like a rabbit.
Yeah, I told Mickey that back then, too.
Uh, but, Shrub, do you remember when you taught me how to make a monkey? Flip that around, cut it in half, and then you come over here, and then here you go.
There we go, huh? Right? - (IMITATES MONKEY CHATTERING) - (LAUGHTER) I was trying to help Shrub look good in front of Beth, because bro code, but I just can't help being impressive.
Even when I try to underachieve, I overachieve.
Hey, Mandy, you should really double-knot those laces so they don't come untied again.
I know how to tie my damn shoes, Mickey.
(WHISPERING) She doesn't.
Okay, and now before our jackpot game, we have a second treat.
Please welcome to the stage the Amazing Dylan and his assistant, Kelly.
(APPLAUSE) (FANFARE PLAYING) KELLY: I was a bridesmaid at my Aunt Lola's wedding.
She bought me this fancy dress, but I only wore it once.
But I need to glam up Dylan's act, and I know I look hot in it.
Wow, you look really great, Kelly! - Presenting the Pan of Mystery.
- Hmm, what are these? Hmm? ♪ Thank you.
Let's see what's cooking.
♪ (ALL GASP) Oh, I think this rabbit stew is a bit undercooked.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
(WILD LAUGHTER) I'd say this bears investigation.
You never know, might be a story in it.
Okay, let's go.
Hey! Me, who am I? Swear to God, Mickey.
Swear to God.
Anyone care to guess what this majestic creature is? Yeah, a [BLEEP.]
napkin, Mickey, that normal people use to wipe their mouths when they're out on a date, with only two people, because that's how many people are supposed to be on a date! God! A flamingo.
Correct, sir.
Hold on.
Aren't you the editor of the Pockton Gazette? (CROWD MURMURING) Uh, yep, yep.
But not here on Pockton business.
Just having a-a night out with my, uh my good friend and colleague.
(CROWD MURMURING) And abracadabra! (THUNK) (APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Thank you.
And for my final trick, I shall enthrall and amaze you with the Zig Zag Lady! Ooh! (TOTO'S "HOLD THE LINE" PLAYING) ♪ (FABRIC RIPS) Uh, wait, uh it's caught.
The blade is caught on my dress a little bit.
Now you know why I don't wear dresses.
(FABRIC RIPPING) - (STRAINING) - Ow! I'm totally cut in half! Uh-oh! - (FABRIC RIPS) - Wait.
I'm sorry.
It's the dress, it's the dress.
Okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
I'm good with it.
Oh.
I'm just gonna I'm gonna put this through again.
(FABRIC RIPPING) Ah! I'm cut in half again! ♪ (FABRIC RIPPING) Ta-da! Also, my Aunt Lola's marriage only lasted, like, four months, so pretty sure the dress is bad luck.
(SIGHS) Miscalculation on my part.
I got ya.
Let me help, let me help.
- Three, two, one.
- (BOTH STRAINING) You guys and your soft hands haven't done an honest day's work in your life.
- Out of my way! - (CREAKING) Oh, my God, they're gonna break it.
- Oh, my God! - (ALL GASPING) Showbiz! Oh, jeez.
It was great spending all that time with Dylan.
But I think being the magician is more fun than the assistant, so I don't think I'll do it again, mostly because I'm pretty sure Nadine won't let me.
No, I probably wouldn't use Kelly as my assistant again.
Nadine would be way better at it anyway.
But can't do it together, because we got rid of all his magic stuff.
Not gonna need it.
Well I'm sorry about the crappy evening.
I had a really nice time.
And it was nice of you to let Mickey and his grandma sit with us.
But you were right, it should have just been you and me.
Can I give that food to my sisters? Oh, would they eat it? Yeah, they'll eat anything.
Well, thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES) You don't think anyone's gonna give me a hard time about being seen with you, do you? Hey, as long as you get more eyes on your paper, who cares? Oh, here I am.
(CHUCKLES) So What's red and drawing all of my attention to your face? My lips? - Duck sauce.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES) That's Oh.
And your lips.
(GIGGLES) Well, worked for both, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) - Good night.
- Good night.
So, yeah, we had to pay Murray back for breaking his Zig Zag box, so I got people to come to his show for ten bucks a pop.
And now with the help of my assistant, I shall mystify you with the Genii Box! (APPLAUSE) KELLY: Gonna have to do more shows, though, 'cause that stupid thing's - so expensive.
- Whoo! Super interesting, 'cause no one's paying for my bruises from falling out of the box, and my legs are frickin' purple.
Half off, today only! Watch this, kid.
Oh! Oh! Oh! (LAUGHS) Showbiz!